hill wedding

the wedding chaos is finally over. was a great party. it both reminded me that i was alone and also made me look forward to the one day when i am that happy.

just a moment of weakness

I think the hardest part about this whole process is knowing that everything in the end will be okay. As much as I keep telling myself that, it still remains a nagging doubt in my life.
My life was set and it didn't matter what happened. I knew that together we could get through it. Everything else in a way faded in importance because no matter what happened as long as I had him with me, things wouldn't be so bad. So what happens when that person is no longer there and you are forced to face the world alone? Suddenly all the things that seemed trivial now become a burden. The future life I had envisioned is now shaken and I realized that the things that were once 'things that would just work out somehow' are becoming giant anxieties of my life becuase now there is no safety blanket and I no longer have the belief that it will all just be okay. Now these small things have a bigger part in my life. Now I am lost. I over analyse. I think perhaps that the relationship was too much of my life. That I relied on it too much. Will I ever let myself go back to that? Was it healthy? Was it normal? My life and my history are filled with questions now.

I've lost that sense of security. I've lost a lot of confidence. It's hard trying to gain it all back.

burn it off

When I was a kid, I had a dark wart on the bottom of my right big toe. On the bottom pad, where the toe touches the ground. It didn't looke like a wart. It looked more like a mole. It was flat and under my skin. My mom was convinced for a while that it was a rock that had gotten trapped in a cut and then eventually just stayed there under layers and layers of new skin that had grown over it over time. It didn't bother me, therefore I didn't care. For years my pediatrician said it was nothing.

One day I noticed more bumps on my foot. On other toes. They were a lighter shade of grey and this time were raised. By this time, many years later I had switched family doctors. He had one look at it and knew. It was warts. Warts had a habit of spreading. He didn't know why it took so long. I freaked out when he tried to scrape away the skin that had grown overtop that first big, black one. I flinched and bit my lip. He didn't even get close to it. It was so deep. I was bleeding.

I had to go to the hospital to get them burned off with liquid nitrogen. The little raised ones were still new- they were easy. A few sessions and they were gone. The big one had been festering for years and was a bitch to get rid of. Many sessions later it was cleared. Most of the time I forget it was ever even there.

Sometimes however, I feel a phantom pain in my right big toe. One that feels exactly like it did when the wart was getting burned off. It's nothing I can explain but so distinct that I can relate the sensation to that one moment. I don't ever feel it on the other toes that had the newer warts.

Strange how something like that still has a way of haunting you 20 or so years later. It just goes to show that its the ones that have been with you the longest that will cause you the most pain and pain that you will never be able to fully escape even when it's gone.

"The Beginning of the End"

A friend said that to me yesterday. She said it felt like this was the beginning of the end for our little group of friends. We were getting old, moving on with our own separate lives. The dynamics of the group has changed. I thought it was funny that she noticed it too, despite being away for school. I could feel it happening for months now. I felt it mainly because I was in many way in the centre of it. I predicted that one person in particular would soon be out of my life. Partly because of things out of our control...partly because I don't agree...partly because I want it to be so.

This should be interesting and truly heartbreaking.

anopheles

I have a problem. A stupid, but nevertheless a nagging and annoying problem.
Every time I want to hang out with my friends, the threat of the ex is there.
Most people break up with their boyfriends and can just avoid them. Yes, there is the chance that somewhere at a mutual friend's birthday they will meet up again. But I face my ex every other week. He is that annoying storm cloud that follows me. And even though it doesn't always rain, the threat is there, it's shadow looms. It ruins your day with the chance.

I think it is actually hampering my healing. Everytime he interrupts my life whether by being with my friends while I can't or actually being in my presence, I can feel all the anger and hurt well up again. I don't have time for it to just go away. I don't like the ups and down. The normal- normal - normal then boom oh yeah my ex boyfriend broke my heart. A cycle that occurs at least every other week. Most people can just go on with their lives and then have the awkward encounters a year later. Not me. I can't just ignore it since it's too big and too persistant to just simply look over. He's too involved. It is just something I have to adjust and get used to. I have no choice.

It's not only the fact that he's there... it's that he's there with his girlfriend...and that even when he's not there, there's always the threat of him there so he may as well have just come anyways....and the fact that he is seeming to make such an effort to see these friends now. How many friends' birthdays have we opted out not to go to since it was too expensive or too out of the way? How many times has he just tagged along because I was already out? Ugh it's so frustrating. Why does he dump all of his pre-relationship freinds despite my insisting that he should hang out with them? And why does he then try harder with the ones we have in common?

I have started a stage of avoidance. I just don't put myself there anymore. I hang out with the friends that we don't share.

It is unfair that I have to choose between mutal friends and my comfort. It's unfair that from day one, I had to deal with seeing him and her in my face all the time. It's unfair that she's infiltrating.

I want to burn everything and start over again.

I need to stop sitting here eating peanut butter out of the jar.

TFC #8

Sometimes it just takes a soccer game, a couple of beers, and a good friend from the past to give you a little perspective on things. I deserve better.

maybe this is what healing feels like

Sometimes I understand that right now I am better off without him. I wouldn't be where I am now if he was still in my life. In some ways, he was very hindering. It was a choice I made at the time.. I let it happen. It's weird looking back on it now.

I am starting to see that despite the many ways he was right for me, in some ways he was definitely wrong. I think I put in too much faith that things would be different eventually. Sometimes I even wonder if he is perhaps different for the new girl in his life...that maybe he is this amazingly communicative and romantic boyfriend. Maybe he even does things without being told or does things despite being told not to do them because it would have been too much of a hassle. He never understood the idea of doing something just because...but maybe that was just with me.

Maybe it's just the type of boys I am exposed to here at school....ones who are more or less self sufficient and independent... but I am seeing that some things I thought were too much to expect are actually not.

A relationship is always dynamic. You feed off what the other one gives off and reflect it back. Perhaps our dynamic wasn't working out. Perhaps me getting sick when I did didn't help the situation. Perhaps he contributed to my stress, which in turn made me put stress on him and our relationship. Perhaps both his long hours and my school fiasco made things worse. It was the perfect storm in many ways and sometimes it's hard to deny that this just may be fate... and as cheesy as it may sound, perhaps it is just all happening for a reason. All I know is that a lot of things just started to fix themselves once he wasn't in my life.

The harvest

I spent all day sacrificing mice, taking out their blood, organs and then plating them. Ten hours. Sixteen mice. A hundred and fourty-four plates. Sometimes when I think of what I'm doing, I wonder how I got here.. how I got into doing this. I remember as a child I never knew what I wanted to do and would make up a response everytime I was asked. The obligatory 'doctor' was a favourite response. In many ways I still don't know what I want to do.
Yesterday M asked me what I would be if I could be anything in the world regardless of talent or money. He would have been a soccer player. I still couldn't answer. I like what I do. I find it interesting. Sometimes I even think it's pretty cool. But is that enough?

heartbreaker

I am a heartbreaker. I laugh when I say this cause I'm really not... but when I think back, there have definitely been a few times where it wasn't just disappointment on the other end, but actual emotional pain... like I could have messed up someone just a little. And yes although 6th grade crushes really don't mean much now that I am approaching 25...and summer flings in highschool aren't that big of a deal... back then they were everything. I can't say I made the best choices in those situations. So maybe this one was just to even the field a bit. You can't go through life totally unscathed right? Maybe just once my heart had to be broken too.

Adopted family

I miss his family far more than I miss him being around. I love them so much and wish I could keep them. It hurts knowing that they are no longer a part of my life.
I miss them. I miss them. I miss them.

statesman

Today I broke a man's heart.
I will repay one day in karma.
I should have said something sooner. I was unsure.
I am way more screwed up than I am letting myself believe.

....

second thoughts

Sometimes I get hit in the face with how big of a challenge next year is going to be - and how inadequate and unprepared I am. At times I feel so lost in the conversations at work and I wonder: if I feel too stupid to be a grad student at western... how am I going to stand a chance in my super competitive department at u of t?

Maybe the thrill of living in Toronto got to my head and has clouded my judgement. Maybe the fact that I am no longer happy in London - with its undergraduate feel and drinking-obsessed mentality... oh and the fact that I feel like an immigrant- has played too big of a role. Maybe I should have listened to all those warnings and stayed here... where at least I would be happy academically as opposed to feeling sub-par and struggling the next few years.

I'm bad at making decisions.

one year

wow it's been a year since I've posted on this thing. google seems to own everything.

maybe I'll start this thing up again.

After the chase, you work on the relationship

One of my housemates is dating the school president. The other is possibly starting something with her TA and has a blind date tonight. And another is learning with her boyfriend to start leaving clothes and food and whatnot at eachother's places so that it's easy just to spend the night all while trying to keep this a secret from her mother...who calls incessantly. The last housemate we're all convinced has a secret lover. She disappears a lot and has a lot of time gaps in her activities and seems a little more than friends with this one guy.
Is it bad that sometimes it just feels as though I'm missing out on a part of this university life? Not that I necessarily want to throw myself back there either. But its a part that makes going to the bars or going to a party of someone you don't really know a little more appealing. It's true and I've had this conversation many times. Things are just different when you're with someone. And we've seen it happen...Girl goes from routine bar-hopping to staying in because she doesn't feel like it anymore.
It's always been strange to be in this stage of feeling single because your boyfriend is non-existant in terms of my social life here and being part of one of those boring, old couples who are quite content on just sitting and doing nothing for the night. I like the freedom to do whatever with the girls but also don't like it that I can never have one of those quiet nights in either. And it may be strange but I get jealous of both extremes. I get jealous that I no longer have the same drive to get out there anymore and that the part of the 'fun' about going out is gone. And here, a large part of going out is about picking up and flirting a few drinks out of people. And unlike kris, there's no more crush-linked excitment and encounters with 'the boy'. I am also jealous everytime megs or liz have their boys here just to cook and watch a movie. I'm retarded I know.
But it's only sometimes I get jealous and only sometimes I forget how hard it would probably be for me to go back to being single and how I'm just so busy sometimes that I'm kinda glad that at least this is one less thing on my plate and that maybe, just maybe this is good for me.

strap on my utility belt

I've always been compelled to make somewhat of a decision on things even before the choice is really given to me. I guess I need to know where I stand on things before I face whatever it is. So I've made my decision and the outcome? Based on which company wants me...if any. One's just not worth me staying here. I could cell count in my backyard if I wanted to and possibly being the one with the unfortunate luck of getting the farm soil enriched with manure isn't something to look forward to when getting up in the morning. I'm still a believer in fate. The fact there wasn't a single bio job in Toronto must be significant in some way.

islet transplantation

So after I thought that I had my mind made up, of course it changes again. I thought I would never have a chance at these internship jobs so imagine my surprise when I get these emails about interviews. And image my surprise again, when I, who had already decided to opt out of this whole internship thing, really start to take a liking to this diabetes research one. It's something I ACTUALLY want to do. The drawbacks? It's here in London, which means spending another year out here. I know people who will be here for a fifth year but no one in my actual program so looks like I'll be sitting in class alone again. And I don't like the idea of being 'the random' for group projects. Do I wanna spend 6000 on rent and food?

And it's times like this that I realize how important he is in my life. He's so much a part of it that I can't make any decision without considering the implications it has on us. Even when I don't mean to. I don't even have to try or think about it, it just happens.

And maybe it just comes down to whether I would be mad at myself for passing up an oppertunity like this just for the sake of not being so far away if in the end we don't work out. Will I regret not doing it after my 'investment' turns bad? All the other factors in this difficult decision I can figure out and deal with. I can figure out if I'm willing to give up that money; I can deal with knowing no one in my classes again; I can decide on my own if I want to devote an extra year of my life to this school thing. But I can't seem to gauge how I'll feel about being a 5 hour commute away for an extra year and if it will all be worth it in the end. And I never really thought I'll be that type of girl, but I am. It's not like I'm giving up a life dream or anything, it's just an internship..that I might not even get. And I'm glad I have someone there that obviously means that much to me. It's just a strange feeling... to feel something tugging at you when you're so used to being able to take off without a second thought.

last one to buy something floral is a rotten egg.

I remember having those conversations about never understanding why older women chose to wear the things they do. And of course, right after would be the silent vow of never wearing tapered pants, holiday-themes sweaters, or anything floral-patterned no matter how old we got. I remember wondering how it got to that point. Was it an extension of the style in their younger days just carried it through? or was it something they grew into...that came along with a taste for wine and an obsession over gas prices that we would all inevitably follow?

The other day I was walking behind a girl, wearing one of those to-the-knee parkas with the fur-trimmed hood from aritzia with her jeans tucked into midcalf boots. It was nothing out of the ordinary and I was thinking for a second how a hood would be great for the blowing snow we always seem to get here. And then it hit me. Mrs. Hawthorn; my second grade teacher...the one with the knee-length winter coat. It was purple, had a fur-trimmed hood and she always dutifully tucked her pants into her mid-calf leather boots. And at that point I realized how similar our styles had become. that maybe we are all turning into 'those women'. That maybe I should stop making fun of my mom cause one day I'll be borrowing her clothes. haha that's a scary thought.

one year

I'm not good at making decisions, especially those fork-in-the-road type decisions where life will ultimatley turn out very different but you're not fully sure how different because you can't see the end of the road in either direction. *takes a breath* And okay, admittedly, it's not THAT big of a life decision but its enough. I remember when I had to pick a university and I was just so torn between them all that I ended up in tears. I'm still not sure if this was the right way to go. I love it here, but I can't help but wonder. I'm the kind of girl who likes to make a well-informed decision...who likes to know the outcomes. And I guess when those outcomes are just not available, the decision becomes impossible for me to make. Despite weighing all the pros and cons it still doesnt matter. Some things just can't be weighed and some things you can't even comprehend until you're actually in the situation. So maybe I'm just being chicken shit. But maybe I want to enjoy fourth year and finally get out of here instead of coming back to a place where most of my friends have already left and struggle getting back into the swing of things once again. Some may think it's only a year, but it's not just that. A lot changes in a year. I don'tknow what I might be missing out on or destroying by skipping out on this one year.