tumbling over
today was the first day this semester that i clocked in all 8 hours of my 10-9 hell tuesday. the last one of its kind too. phew. tuesday and tuesday alone hs made me realize the importance of good scheduling. and i vow to not screw up next year's like those stupid academic counsellor people screwed me over this year. honestly now, night labs are bullshit. but i guess my brain does work better then as opposed to 9 am. oh how lazy i have gotten.
this past weekend at home was amazing and it gave me a little taste of summer. i needed the surprise visits, the laid back days of no plans and impromtu eating and shopping, giggles with my girlies, and some time with the boy.
it is true, we are growing up fast. remember when we would talk about who we would move in with, who would be in our wedding party as bridesmaids, where we are going to move once out of university and so forth? its weird now because now its just not talk; pretty soon people are moving and paying rent...and in a few years, we might get an invitation to a wedding or find out someone is living in budapest. it's all becoming real now. makes me wanna just stand back for a second and look....figure out how i got here.

putting in contacts
just when i think im spending the whole day at home trying to do some much needed homework, its nice to get a phone call from someone who is kidnapping (well more like rescuing) me from my work. and then after only getting ten minutes to get ready and doing the best i could considering i was in pajamas and all home-y, coming out feeling gross to someone with a big smile on their face telling me im beautiful. makes me want to not be so far away even more.

whale noises
-and we dealt with it like adults. and i know this may be cliche of me to say but sometimes i really do think things happen for a reason. we're both figuring things out and i think i like it, even though its a bumpy road we travel on.
-i didnt try out for soph like i was supposed to but i really dont want it that badly and really 60 people out of 280? why am i bothering wasting those 5 hours of my life?
-last chem lab today..no more chem lab partner who i want to hit upside the head after every second word she says.
-im gonna be really busy the next few weeks just because tests seem to be a common theme...and i have no motivation to care.
-i really really really want this job. the money would be so great right now. if only i had any indication of how many people are taking this "test".
-hmm you know how were having brunch on sunday...how about hardcore chinatown dimsum anyone? haha ive been having cravings for those shrimp dumpling things.

i swear the air is funny here
i should be downstairs working out. but instead i sit here...blobby

things your mom never told you
there are just some things that you do even though a girl says "its okay". i never thought i would be one of those girls that says one thing and really hopes for another, but turns out i am... i think we all have done it at one point. .. i know it sucks, but it comes with the territory.
sometimes i feel guilty for feeling disappointed...and only because the things i seem to be disappointed about to me re petty and stupid. its not often that i feel this way, just creeps up on me every once in a while. really, a relationship shouldnt be based on things like these anyways. i just wonder sometimes if i was expecting too much or perhaps there is more out there that actually fulfills this "need" i seem to have... i'm not one of those people who are into celebrating monthly aniversaries....i dont need these things.. and i really dont think i want to celebrate so much...it's like we're comfortable with eachother already.. a little too comfortable. i see others sometimes and i know i shouldn't compare, but i do... i can't help it. sometimes it feels as though i've missed out on something. not something essential, but something nonetheless.
there are some things i will never ask you to do for me, but will always hope will be done. to tell you the truth, i thought some of these things would have been accomplished by now (hmm accomplished being the wrong word to use but i cant think of any other rightnow)... and really how can i expect people to read my mind right? its just nice to have things done without having to tell someone. because it's not the same when i know you did it cause i told you so. i go through such highs and lows with you... i think too much sometimes, letting my brain do all that wandering isnt so good...i wish you would think less sometimes, being so rational isnt always what's best. it merely leads to a lot of "i would have"s and "i was going to"s.
im still waiting... and wondering.

anywhere but here
i want to live someone else's life for a while, not that mine is all that bad, i think i just need a change. im bored of it all already...its becoming too routine. i'm sitting on my lazy ass with no motivation to do anything...what have i done this past week?
i have to stop skipping so many classes...its at a point where its not even just going to them thats the pain, i just dont want to be there at all. i went to class today to pick up my midterm and any other normal human being would have just stayed for the lecture since i was already there, but i left just because i really did not want to sit through another algebra lecture THAT much and so i walked right back home. soo lazy...must get motivated..
i'm feeling a little too insecure right now...not about anything specific..just things in general. i hate feeling insecure. make it go away...

i just wanted to say thank you...
i know things haven't always worked out with us, but the fact that i can't wipe this smile off my face still must count for something.

i swore she said a cat
i never really understood it when people had to drink to just get their mind out of a certain situation..but i think i finally get it. i dunno there was just something and i had to get something down so i could not be so bothered by it you know?
i dont like it when people depend too much on me. im not saying i wont do things for you, but its when they in a way expect it constantly because you are incapable of taking care of yourself. if you find a hair in your food, why are you giving it to me to take back? really, youre a big 20 year old now. if you dont know what the name of a drink is and youre standing RIGHT next to me at the bar, why are you asking me to ask the bartender what it is? its things like that. i was so damned annoyed and yes i feel bad and yes i was being super bitchy and even when asked to get them drinks i was like hell no, when normally it would have been no big deal... i must have seemed like the biggest alcoholic bitch....but im sure youre not like that with her. with her youre chivalrous and kind and you go out of your way to do things so i know youre not just a spineless good for nothing, but sometimes with me, i just wanna smack you and tell you to grow up.

all in all it was a good night! happy st. patricks day.

collecting trinkets along the sand
-whenever we talk about the future, we seem to make sure we tell ourselves that it might not get to that point. i think im comfortable with it that way. like yeah i can see it but on the otherhand, i don't expect it to happen you know what i mean? a part of me feels as though i have gained so much, and other part of me feels as though im missing out on something. what? i dont know. but its true three years is a loong time. who knows. if we do actually make it through..wow that would be something alright.
-sometimes people dont meet your expectations. maybe your expectations were too high. i dunno i guess the picture was just a little different in my head. but if anything, things make a lot more sense now....things fit better in my head.
-im still trying to decide if i want to do this soph thing... as fun as it sounds next year, it has its crappy parts this year. come up with a cheer on the spot? im really not cool with doing that. and then to deal with freshmans who think their too cool to join along? hmm maybe ill just feed them alcohol and candy.. my group will be the peppiest.
-apprently according to cosmo, a lot of people have third nipple and dont know it because it looks like a freckle. needless to say after reading that, i did a mental scan of my body. hmm do you think the one on my arm counts? lol
-schools just one big, complicated countdown now. merely a tally of all the tutorial sessions, labs and lectures i have to go to.
-i think my roomate is a closet racist..so closet she doesnt even know herself.. its always the black people who she points at and goes.. he bothers me, but i dont know why.
-Happy St. Patricks Day! date with linds at the pub for lunch and then out with who knows who.

a slice if the T.O.
the brian and matty show proved to be quite entertaining. oh man i wish you guys were all here. i am actually looking forward to having these two around all the time..they are great.
jaxs, i and the roomies brought them to the drink, one of london's sketchy little nightclubs. but its sooo western so we had to bring them you know? but watching them dance and falling cause of their drunkeness and seeing them do things that they dont remember or in fact regret after they sobered up was hilarious. oh matty...brian tried to warn you.. lol

on the phone
you know someone is a keeper when they sit in their house for about two hours describing each page of the yearbook to you over the phone just because youre sad that you can't get yours til april. it was great fun.

Yes!
and i am one more step closer to that full time summer job! score!

crossing my fingers
i really don't want to jinx it, but i really, really, REALLY hope its sitting there waiting for me.

monster
i was rereading a few of my blog entries from 2001 out of complete boredom and i stumbled upon a long one written around christmas time. it was about how i was missing out on christmas because i didnt get to go to montreal that year. and it was kinda funny in my head how although so many things have changed, that's the one thing that has remained the same-the screwed-upness of my family. i would have thought those two would have gotten a divorce my now. i would have thought that i would have cracked by now, gotten put into one of those white jackets and lead into an institution where i make friends with angelina jolie. i would have thought that all those threats i heard a little too often as a child would have actually materialized into something. i've always wondered if it was more beneficial for my brother and i to live as we do than if they had gotten an actual divorce. they might as well have been, the house is practically divided into two sides and although unsaid, there has always been two sets of rules, depending on who was home or in view at the time. amazing what little kids learn to pick up on on their own. and its always bothered me that they're relationship was harming my future ones. that because of them i wouldnt know how to communicate, to compromise, to show love. i was scared of the whole family life and the fact that these things tend to continue through the generations didnt help. in that post i wrote "do i want to procreate and spread the garbage around?" and i still somtimes wonder. i wonder where im gonna screw up, where all those things ive tried so hard not to affect me is suddenly gonna come rushing back. i had to work at not being afraid; work at not running away from things because im scared to get in too deep. i had to work hard at not cringing everytime something was said not pertaining to the near future. ive had to work on a lot of things. lets just hope it wasnt for nothing. i hate feeling fragile.

making hot cocoa
and with the passing of those three exams, a new sense of ease has rushed over me. i'm just waiting this year out. only about a month more of lectures and labs and tutorials. now its just the regular routine of labs and tests and whatnot til april.

it is one thing to be 50 year old man with a pony tail down to the small of your back its another thing when youre a balding 50 year old man with a pony tail down to the small of your back. more hair length doesnt not make up for lack of it on top. kind of like dharma's dad on dharma and greg...soemthing fincklestein. but this prof's was longer.

i have decided to spend 10 bucks to photocopy this linear algebra solutions manual and shit this 50 something dollar book back to amazon.ca. i am seriously not paying 50 something dollars for a book im using for a month and a half for a course i will never in life need again.

i need to clean my room. its still disgusting from the studying and from the not caring about anything else that comes witht he studying. shit is strewn everywhere. and i cant find anything i need cause its been thrown in a corner somewhere after i used it last.

i feel kinda restless... i wanna come over to play. but right now that's simply a little too far. even for an ang adventure.

you try not to get yourself disappointed.
you tell yourself to not get your hopes up.
you make sure that in your head you know it may not happen.
you try and convince yourself that the option wasn't even there in the first place.
but that sinking feeling is always there.
no matter what

and everybody was kung-fu fighting
i came back with a cold. seems like reading week wore me out more than school does...lol
i've been styding like a machine. three exams this weekend. bio, psych, and linear algebra are swimming in the goo that is my brain right now. oh man i can't fit it all in...this is going to be something, but i will be uber proud if i do manage to pull this off.

today we were talking about someone who basically has it made right now...doesnt have to worry about paying for school (its been saved up for them for years now), has a well paying job, doesnt have a crazy parent bearing down on them or restricting them....basically as free as a bird, except for a bit of nagging once in a while. i just thought that if i hd a well paying job and didnt have to worry about money, i would try and get my ass outta my house instead of spending it on some thousand something dollar gadget. i know material things arent everything, but why can't you be even a bit happy with your life? youre not in a sitution where youre working your ass off, only to find out you cant make tuition...youre not in a sitution where your parents are jail wardens condemning you to a life of hermitcy (is that even word?). you don't even have to worry about waking up early to take the ttc, or cooking for yourself or even doing your own laundry im sure. i dont understand and i guess if not having all those things in my life is a tradeoff for me being relatively happy with everything right now, than i guess its a tradeoff i'm good with. i just dont understand how you work sometimes...cant appreciate anything.

you dont understand how great only a month more of school sounds right now. yeah im not counting exams, because they don't count. i just dont want to get up for lectures and go to three hour labs and juggle the seemingly unending slew of tests. and spring is here..birds are chirping when i get up and the sun is shining and yes i choose to ignore the fact that now that it has stopped snowing, the continual rain we had in the fall before the snow will come back once again.