and despite how everything has changed in the last little while, sometimes things still stay alarmingly the same. once again, christmas at the leung household was non existant. so for christmas eve, while everyone was doing the family dinner and whatnot, i got my two trusty boys...my hybrid family. and believe it or not they managed to drag me to midnight mass. i swear i havent been to a mass i wasn't required to go to (ie: brother's confirmation, cousin's baptism, school mass) since probably elementary school. not saying its something to be proud of, but i wouldn't necessarily be ashamed of it either. it wasn't as bad as i remembered it but then again, i can't tell you what was being said- i made my own fun. AND does anyone else notice that during communion they close all the doors and open them back up afterwards? yoyo and jacsen think i'm crazy but trust me, you church go-ers look next time. i'm thinking there must be a reason i just dont understand.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
n.e.r.d.
it's sad when it takes tragic things like a funeral to get us all together again. it seems as though i've been going to way too many over the last few years. but i guess they also serve as a reminder that we're still connected. we've realized that none of us have really seen or talked to him all that much since we've all split ways. but when things like this happen, it makes you realize that maybe we're not so far apart afterall. i mean everyone who needed to know found out and everyone who needed to be there, was. even that teacher from highschool...who'd you'd have never thought at first would have found out.
i like that he smiled as i approached..despite what he was going through. i liked that he knew i would say something about his leg and that he was all ready with a story for me.
afterwards was a late lunch. i was so hungry and risked popping those stitches just to get the food down my mouth as fast as i could. it was not the time for careful chewing. despite how complicated and messed up that whole group of people are at times, i still miss them and how they make me laugh.
it was a good christmas eve. despite the circumstances that brought us all together of course.
i like that he smiled as i approached..despite what he was going through. i liked that he knew i would say something about his leg and that he was all ready with a story for me.
afterwards was a late lunch. i was so hungry and risked popping those stitches just to get the food down my mouth as fast as i could. it was not the time for careful chewing. despite how complicated and messed up that whole group of people are at times, i still miss them and how they make me laugh.
it was a good christmas eve. despite the circumstances that brought us all together of course.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
meet chipmunk cheeks
i feel trapped in this house. trapped, but at the same time weary of going anywhere.
the actual procedure went great. that feeling....of yourself going under.. of feeling yourself losing contact with the world- its weird. when one of the nurses asked me if i was okay, i wasn't sure if i could physically get myself to answer...
and now im swollen and can fall asleep at any time. oh tylenol 3s...so unpredictable. and i guess that's whats keeping me from doing a lot of things- the fear of getting hit in the face (i've actually done it to myself a few times) and the fact that i need naps every time i take me pain medication... and of course there's also the fact that my left cheek is square. damn the uneven swelling...
the boy dropped by today with fruit in pureed smoothie form. thank you for helping me stave off scruvy for another day. and it was just extra nice considering it was more than what my mom has done for me this whole time. i got fed up of eating nothing and actually tried making real food. my jaw hurts. maybe i got a little over zealous with the chewing.
apparently tomorrow is going to be hell. we'll see. i really would much rather go shopping with jaxs.
monday was our christmas. thank you and i hope you enjoyed yours. and ang finally owns her first real dvd. lol.
sometimes i dont realize how things sound until after i have had the chance to rethink things through. i really dont mean to sound so ungreatful...and maybe that's not how you heard it, but playing it back through my head.... it just sounded wrong. sometimes i wonder if you are somehow just immune to all of this somehow. or if somehow you understand me more than i think you do. and it's just nice knowing that you are still there...no matter what. and no matter what stupid things i seem to do.
the actual procedure went great. that feeling....of yourself going under.. of feeling yourself losing contact with the world- its weird. when one of the nurses asked me if i was okay, i wasn't sure if i could physically get myself to answer...
and now im swollen and can fall asleep at any time. oh tylenol 3s...so unpredictable. and i guess that's whats keeping me from doing a lot of things- the fear of getting hit in the face (i've actually done it to myself a few times) and the fact that i need naps every time i take me pain medication... and of course there's also the fact that my left cheek is square. damn the uneven swelling...
the boy dropped by today with fruit in pureed smoothie form. thank you for helping me stave off scruvy for another day. and it was just extra nice considering it was more than what my mom has done for me this whole time. i got fed up of eating nothing and actually tried making real food. my jaw hurts. maybe i got a little over zealous with the chewing.
apparently tomorrow is going to be hell. we'll see. i really would much rather go shopping with jaxs.
monday was our christmas. thank you and i hope you enjoyed yours. and ang finally owns her first real dvd. lol.
sometimes i dont realize how things sound until after i have had the chance to rethink things through. i really dont mean to sound so ungreatful...and maybe that's not how you heard it, but playing it back through my head.... it just sounded wrong. sometimes i wonder if you are somehow just immune to all of this somehow. or if somehow you understand me more than i think you do. and it's just nice knowing that you are still there...no matter what. and no matter what stupid things i seem to do.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
keep on truckin'
it's amazing what those pheromones can do. thanks to jaxs i am semi-regular once again. and its even better cause she gets hers first. haha Funny how it also worked last year (although i'm sure coincidentally) even though three out of the four of us were on the pill. Go mentrual synchrony.
i wanna go boxing day shopping!!! i haven't been truly out shopping for soo long. i'm hoping i can spare the christmas money from being used for rent and splurge a little. and i'm also hoping for some good sales to ease the pain. AND i've decided that i'm gonna be great by then (yes, these are things i can decide..) so that if i get elbowed in the face by some irrate woman trying to get her hands on a sweater, i won't die of pain.
just ONE more to go baby! haha and as excited as i am to come home for christmas, i'm also not. i think more than anything, i just need the break. and a little lovin' from my boy and girls. and yoyo, if you're reading this, you're included in the girl pile.
all that i can say is that next semester is going to be quite interesting.. lol we'll see how this all goes.
i was thinking the other day... you know how some people don't ever seem to have to make a hard decision in their life? and i don't mean they just couldn't decide something; i mean that things just fall perfectly into place so that the decision is pretty clear. i hate those people. okay no i don't. i am just jealous at a how easy it is for them. not saying its their fault for it or anything- just the cards we are dealt. but still : / why does there not seem to be any consequences for you no matter what? why does life like you so much better?
a part of me still winces when i let myself think that this whole thing is gonna last. i do think that; but i won't let myself. i can't let myself believe that i can win the race when the finish line is so far i guess. the disappointment will be that much greater when i don't.
i wanna go boxing day shopping!!! i haven't been truly out shopping for soo long. i'm hoping i can spare the christmas money from being used for rent and splurge a little. and i'm also hoping for some good sales to ease the pain. AND i've decided that i'm gonna be great by then (yes, these are things i can decide..) so that if i get elbowed in the face by some irrate woman trying to get her hands on a sweater, i won't die of pain.
just ONE more to go baby! haha and as excited as i am to come home for christmas, i'm also not. i think more than anything, i just need the break. and a little lovin' from my boy and girls. and yoyo, if you're reading this, you're included in the girl pile.
all that i can say is that next semester is going to be quite interesting.. lol we'll see how this all goes.
i was thinking the other day... you know how some people don't ever seem to have to make a hard decision in their life? and i don't mean they just couldn't decide something; i mean that things just fall perfectly into place so that the decision is pretty clear. i hate those people. okay no i don't. i am just jealous at a how easy it is for them. not saying its their fault for it or anything- just the cards we are dealt. but still : / why does there not seem to be any consequences for you no matter what? why does life like you so much better?
a part of me still winces when i let myself think that this whole thing is gonna last. i do think that; but i won't let myself. i can't let myself believe that i can win the race when the finish line is so far i guess. the disappointment will be that much greater when i don't.
Monday, December 06, 2004
flip flop
and i think it just seeded a thought. or perhaps just made a deep hidden desire grow. it's always kinda been there since the day i left, sitting on my shoulder, sometimes louder at times than others. but for some reason it didn't seem like a viable idea. i had always just pushed it aside and labelled it s bit of homesickness. but as of late i just keep on wondering.
do I really belong here?
it just seems easier, of course not initally.... there wouldnt be a long distance anything, i wouldnt be missing the people back home, perhaps things would have been a little less screwed up. i would have a job and the money that would have gotten loss through rent, could have by now paid for a car....if i had not been so stubborn to leave from the begining.
i try to think back on why i wanted to get out of there to begin with, why i was so set on leaving not just the city, but perhaps the province. things just dont seem as bad when they've been faded and blurred by time...because although i can remember why, i think back and believe that i could have easily coped.
and then i think of how weird it would be suddenly not knowing anyone from my labs and suddenly not have some of the people i know here. and suddenly having everything unfamilliar again. i think what's done is done and going back will just remind me of why i wanted to leave and how it can't undo this whole mess, and that some way i would end up screwed anyways. and i think how there's still something here for me to discover...something that brought me here.
do I really belong here?
it just seems easier, of course not initally.... there wouldnt be a long distance anything, i wouldnt be missing the people back home, perhaps things would have been a little less screwed up. i would have a job and the money that would have gotten loss through rent, could have by now paid for a car....if i had not been so stubborn to leave from the begining.
i try to think back on why i wanted to get out of there to begin with, why i was so set on leaving not just the city, but perhaps the province. things just dont seem as bad when they've been faded and blurred by time...because although i can remember why, i think back and believe that i could have easily coped.
and then i think of how weird it would be suddenly not knowing anyone from my labs and suddenly not have some of the people i know here. and suddenly having everything unfamilliar again. i think what's done is done and going back will just remind me of why i wanted to leave and how it can't undo this whole mess, and that some way i would end up screwed anyways. and i think how there's still something here for me to discover...something that brought me here.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
it left a bad taste in my mouth
it's like i can't even think anymore without getting yelled at in some way. what the hell is wrong with me? it finally occured to me today how much that one little decision i made back then had such an impact...and how i'm paying for it in so many ways right now. and in the back of my mind, im still thinking of how easy it would to just give up and give in to what seems easier right now. but i won't let myself, i've gone so far already.
i know you tried and i do get it but stupid thought or not, it was still my thought. it wasn't like it was unjustified or unreasonable but it just kills me that no one will ever see it that way. to you i will always be the unreasonable one in this situation and i guess i'm okay with that. friends always have their unreasonable moments...what can you do...lol
hmm an on this thing i just noticed that the word unreasonable lined up right on top of eachother....and now i sound weird, cause it probably won't post that way...
and i just realized how im probably gonna feel the reprocussions of this very post but i really really really don't care right now. i just need to get the last bits of the conversation residue out. as was said, no one has to read this right? and im thinking that should work for everyone.
and on another note. . .
sometimes i wonder what you two fight about and if in about a year or so whether i'll be in that position too. it's weird to think that it could be so, but at the same time, it's very possible.
two more weeks about and im outta here.. of course 2 weeks of hell but outta here nonetheless. which is what really counts in my head. well i guess it doesn't count if i fail....or in my case get below 70 in my courses.. oh man that would suck.
ive been eating so much lately...im gonna come home obese...lol but maybe with all the non-eating from the teeth gouging, it will balance the world out a bit. or maybe not, since i see myself sucking down liquid lard rather than starving..okay maybe not liquid lard. how about we substitute that word for..milkshakes.. lol big is beautiful
and i guess with that i'm off..
i know you tried and i do get it but stupid thought or not, it was still my thought. it wasn't like it was unjustified or unreasonable but it just kills me that no one will ever see it that way. to you i will always be the unreasonable one in this situation and i guess i'm okay with that. friends always have their unreasonable moments...what can you do...lol
hmm an on this thing i just noticed that the word unreasonable lined up right on top of eachother....and now i sound weird, cause it probably won't post that way...
and i just realized how im probably gonna feel the reprocussions of this very post but i really really really don't care right now. i just need to get the last bits of the conversation residue out. as was said, no one has to read this right? and im thinking that should work for everyone.
and on another note. . .
sometimes i wonder what you two fight about and if in about a year or so whether i'll be in that position too. it's weird to think that it could be so, but at the same time, it's very possible.
two more weeks about and im outta here.. of course 2 weeks of hell but outta here nonetheless. which is what really counts in my head. well i guess it doesn't count if i fail....or in my case get below 70 in my courses.. oh man that would suck.
ive been eating so much lately...im gonna come home obese...lol but maybe with all the non-eating from the teeth gouging, it will balance the world out a bit. or maybe not, since i see myself sucking down liquid lard rather than starving..okay maybe not liquid lard. how about we substitute that word for..milkshakes.. lol big is beautiful
and i guess with that i'm off..
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
bunched up
this past weekend at home was great! and although it was too short and involved two epic journies, it was well worth it. it just felt different this time; but different in a good way i guess. I got absolutley no work done as expected, did this weird AE exchange.return things, met my new dentist, and spent way too much time in a store of only ribbons than any normal person should have.
but i guess that's our thing. from picking beads outta a barrel at lewis craft, to being late because of ikea, or emerging out of a bead store we entered at 1 in the afternoon only to find ourselves in the middle of jazz fest. so why not a ribbon store? it was uber fun though. and mostly; it was comfortable.
maybe that's it...what made this weekend different....it was the first i felt comfortable for a while. there was no drama, no me trying too hard, none of the whole being weary of situations and over-analysing every little thing.
i like it when luke's parents aren't home and we have the house all to ourselves and we dont have to worry about making sure we're not in the way or too loud or whatever. and its nice that justin doesn't seem so scary anymore. he's better with me and doesnt groan silently and run away to another room like he normally does. its a nice feeling to be able to actually watch tv with me and him and luke outta the room and actually be comfortable (and yes even talking) instead of me constantly hoping luke will come back..and soon.
it was a good weekend for reasons i could never really explain
but i guess that's our thing. from picking beads outta a barrel at lewis craft, to being late because of ikea, or emerging out of a bead store we entered at 1 in the afternoon only to find ourselves in the middle of jazz fest. so why not a ribbon store? it was uber fun though. and mostly; it was comfortable.
maybe that's it...what made this weekend different....it was the first i felt comfortable for a while. there was no drama, no me trying too hard, none of the whole being weary of situations and over-analysing every little thing.
i like it when luke's parents aren't home and we have the house all to ourselves and we dont have to worry about making sure we're not in the way or too loud or whatever. and its nice that justin doesn't seem so scary anymore. he's better with me and doesnt groan silently and run away to another room like he normally does. its a nice feeling to be able to actually watch tv with me and him and luke outta the room and actually be comfortable (and yes even talking) instead of me constantly hoping luke will come back..and soon.
it was a good weekend for reasons i could never really explain
