Forced Interactions

I just had an 'I'm 10 years old' type of freak out. Everything is finally getting to me. It's coming out in weird ways.

I shouldn't need to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around someone who's supposedly a friend. It's exhausting trying to keep myself in check. One slip and I fulfill the negative expectation in her head. She waits for it, because it's inevitable. It is, but it really shouldn't be that big of a deal. Real friends get mad, who cares. I shouldn't have to feel guilty or stressed every time we are together. It's too stressful. I feel judged. This isn't healthy. I'm trying to leave it all behind...by leaving it.

mom's first turkey

my mom made her first attempt at Christmas dinner tonight. Pre-Christmas dinner I should say... it was this early to accommodate my uncle going to Montreal for what I like to call, "real Christmas dinner". I am 25 years old...and have had 24 Christmases where my mom has NOT cooked Christmas dinner.. so this was a big deal.

I appreciate how sometimes my family tries to be close knit here in Toronto now that everyone is slowly moving over. However, I wonder if I'm the only one that notices the initial awkwardness...the forced banter at first. We were not raised like this. We went to Montreal for family. They were the ones with Christmas. In Toronto, we didn't even put up a tree most years. And although it is better, I'm still having a bit of a tough time adapting to this. I also think it's a bit sad that family has been such a little part of my life that this is still awkward.

As a sidenote, I was truthfully a little disappointed when DC didn't message me back today. Realistically, there was no reason to. The last message ended the conversation topic. Admittedly, he has put a bit of a smile on my face. Could this mean that I really do like him or is this some kinda sick thrill for the chase? I was trying to remember how I felt when Freckles was around. I couldn't remember... let's hope this doesn't go badly.