merry christmas
i had a "that 70s show" moment last night. it was great just all being together and having nicki's mom come around and hug and kiss us as though she's raised us from birth, despite the fact that im sure she's seen some of these people like only twice before. just seemed like soemthing kitty would do to the gang once they came back for christmas break.
i'm off to montreal in a few hours and although the hassle of actually going is putting me into a "maybe i'll just cancel my train tickets" state of mind, i'm actually kind of excited about it all. i kinda of want to tell everyone of my adventures. just feel different and i kind of want to be thrown back into the family craziness once again to see how it feels.
i got a couple of shifts... and that means a little extra money in my account this christmas.
still got lots to do when i come back.. like wrapping gifts and finsihing some in some cases...lol
im glowing and happy and full of merry cheer. its a GREAT christmas.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Friday, December 19, 2003
today someone said something to me that really made me think... well what actually made me think was they way i answered. it scared me. it scared me partly because i knew it could happen...because i've thought about it before and how it would make things so much easier. it scared me because sometimes i feel trapped...okay trapped isnt the best word..but kinda of wedged? in this thing...and a lot of the times i like being there because its secure and nice and whatnot..but you know me, im never in one place for too long, and when you try to hold me back, i only fight harder.
i'm scared because i dont want to do it, but a part of me knows i might.
i'm scared because i dont want to do it, but a part of me knows i might.
christmas break has begun
i feel so content right now...like all is right with the world. the most stressful thing to my day is figuring out what i'm doing tomorrow or how to get from place A to place B and i love it. i fucking love it. and even though this calm is obviously only temporary, i chose to bask in it for as long as i can. trying to let go of the fact that i have no car and the fact that i think my mom and dad are already mad at me after 2 days of being home. but you know what? i dont worry about it cause eventually i will leave. and i know running away has been the source of this family's problems, but hey they started it, why not i end it this way too? its gonna suck moving back in here after my four years. i really dont know if i can do it... i really dont.
i cannot quite put my finger on how toronto, or rather scarborough makes me feel anymore. yes it is home and is filled with love and forgotten comforts and carefree fun, but i see it differently now. i think london somehow snuck into the crevices of whatever my original perception of toronto was and changed it just ever so slightly. it's become more foreign as university became more familliar. it's gotten pushed aside the more i embrace western. i know it will always be this place i come running to for that little break because it is afterall home...but i dont have an urge to be here permanently any more.
i feel so content right now...like all is right with the world. the most stressful thing to my day is figuring out what i'm doing tomorrow or how to get from place A to place B and i love it. i fucking love it. and even though this calm is obviously only temporary, i chose to bask in it for as long as i can. trying to let go of the fact that i have no car and the fact that i think my mom and dad are already mad at me after 2 days of being home. but you know what? i dont worry about it cause eventually i will leave. and i know running away has been the source of this family's problems, but hey they started it, why not i end it this way too? its gonna suck moving back in here after my four years. i really dont know if i can do it... i really dont.
i cannot quite put my finger on how toronto, or rather scarborough makes me feel anymore. yes it is home and is filled with love and forgotten comforts and carefree fun, but i see it differently now. i think london somehow snuck into the crevices of whatever my original perception of toronto was and changed it just ever so slightly. it's become more foreign as university became more familliar. it's gotten pushed aside the more i embrace western. i know it will always be this place i come running to for that little break because it is afterall home...but i dont have an urge to be here permanently any more.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
free at last, FREE at last...
as of last nigth, i was a free woman. i was so excited, even after i started drinking, i could think of anything else other than PACK!! it is the greatest feeling in the world right now, especially cause these past 6 days, with my four exams have left me drained and needing of love. and so yes it was great to come back, and jump and scream I'M DONE!! I'M DONE!!! as it finally sunk in. going to waterloo for a couple of days before i come home home. then seeing the boy for a bit before a night out with the girls. im freee baby!!!
as of last nigth, i was a free woman. i was so excited, even after i started drinking, i could think of anything else other than PACK!! it is the greatest feeling in the world right now, especially cause these past 6 days, with my four exams have left me drained and needing of love. and so yes it was great to come back, and jump and scream I'M DONE!! I'M DONE!!! as it finally sunk in. going to waterloo for a couple of days before i come home home. then seeing the boy for a bit before a night out with the girls. im freee baby!!!
Thursday, December 11, 2003
grr...queen of the jungle
- i am going to get a cold once i come back to toronto. i can feel it. my body has been running on overdrive and when its all done and over with, its going to collapse. i can feel the struggling already. this is how i know its going to happen.
- the caf is closed as of tomorrow night. oh man imagine behind trapped here for exams and not having the caf convieniently downstairs. its either cooking yourself or running across the street through four lanes of traffic in the cold for food.
- 2 more to go in the next two days. i got through the first bit of the four exams in 6 days hell. i'm waiting for my first university semester to be done...and also my first christmas break since well, elementary school without homework or a job getting in the way. this may be the only one for a while too, seeing how im gonna get me one of them jobs next year. but again, no boxing day shopping for me, since i will be en route back to toronto from montreal. yes, ive decided to take advantage of the lack of work and homework and see the family for a few days. hmm maybe i should just come back a day late and go shopping there.. or maybe i should cool it with this shopping thing cause i have no money...and all christmas cash should be put into the "im too lazy to cook, lets order pizza" and "lets go out and drink" funds.
-i'm pretty sure i achieved the 70 i needed in calc. we'll see though. lets say i thought i did better in chem than i actually did. lets just hope the same doesnt go for calc, cause that means i cant really do my program next year, which needs a 70% average.
- i realize now how very little three weeks actually is. my growing list of things i want to do may not all happen. i want to bake cookies...but have no car to buy the groceries and perhaps no time to bake them til after christmas...how weird is christmas cookies AFTER christmas? hmm maybe ill do it anyway..
-i just got christmas presents from the roomie.. ladybug socks! yay.. theyre great cause they have actual ladybugs on the ankles. (oh but in pom pom form..haha i just realized how confusing that must hve been)
- sometimes i just want my mommy...to cut me up fruit at 10:30 to eat while im studying or to be there to gently rub my back while i collapse on the floor for a 5 minute tv break... yes i do realize im a friggin 20 year old (well not, but this makes it sound even worse and i like it) asking for her mommy... i just need someone there to hug me and go "its going to be okay".
- i'm kinda scared for this bio exam.. im realizing i know less than i thought i did... lol mer. okay back to studying
-p.s. this president's choice peanut butter ice cream bar thing is phallic shaped...really phallic shaped.. just thought you needed to know.
- i am going to get a cold once i come back to toronto. i can feel it. my body has been running on overdrive and when its all done and over with, its going to collapse. i can feel the struggling already. this is how i know its going to happen.
- the caf is closed as of tomorrow night. oh man imagine behind trapped here for exams and not having the caf convieniently downstairs. its either cooking yourself or running across the street through four lanes of traffic in the cold for food.
- 2 more to go in the next two days. i got through the first bit of the four exams in 6 days hell. i'm waiting for my first university semester to be done...and also my first christmas break since well, elementary school without homework or a job getting in the way. this may be the only one for a while too, seeing how im gonna get me one of them jobs next year. but again, no boxing day shopping for me, since i will be en route back to toronto from montreal. yes, ive decided to take advantage of the lack of work and homework and see the family for a few days. hmm maybe i should just come back a day late and go shopping there.. or maybe i should cool it with this shopping thing cause i have no money...and all christmas cash should be put into the "im too lazy to cook, lets order pizza" and "lets go out and drink" funds.
-i'm pretty sure i achieved the 70 i needed in calc. we'll see though. lets say i thought i did better in chem than i actually did. lets just hope the same doesnt go for calc, cause that means i cant really do my program next year, which needs a 70% average.
- i realize now how very little three weeks actually is. my growing list of things i want to do may not all happen. i want to bake cookies...but have no car to buy the groceries and perhaps no time to bake them til after christmas...how weird is christmas cookies AFTER christmas? hmm maybe ill do it anyway..
-i just got christmas presents from the roomie.. ladybug socks! yay.. theyre great cause they have actual ladybugs on the ankles. (oh but in pom pom form..haha i just realized how confusing that must hve been)
- sometimes i just want my mommy...to cut me up fruit at 10:30 to eat while im studying or to be there to gently rub my back while i collapse on the floor for a 5 minute tv break... yes i do realize im a friggin 20 year old (well not, but this makes it sound even worse and i like it) asking for her mommy... i just need someone there to hug me and go "its going to be okay".
- i'm kinda scared for this bio exam.. im realizing i know less than i thought i did... lol mer. okay back to studying
-p.s. this president's choice peanut butter ice cream bar thing is phallic shaped...really phallic shaped.. just thought you needed to know.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
running on my last bit of fuel
its almost 7 in the morning. i got up at 630 to study a bit for this 9 am exam, which i have decided should be outlawed. i didnt get myself to sleep til about 415...not because i was studying or cause i even wanted to, but because i just COULDN'T sleep. it was damn frustrating. and to tell you the truth im a lot more awake than i thought i would be. lets hope im still this way 5 hours from now... wow i just realized i have more exam hours than hours of sleep.. mer
its almost 7 in the morning. i got up at 630 to study a bit for this 9 am exam, which i have decided should be outlawed. i didnt get myself to sleep til about 415...not because i was studying or cause i even wanted to, but because i just COULDN'T sleep. it was damn frustrating. and to tell you the truth im a lot more awake than i thought i would be. lets hope im still this way 5 hours from now... wow i just realized i have more exam hours than hours of sleep.. mer
Monday, December 08, 2003
8 more days...7 technically
-first exam is tomorrow. chem. not really worried about that one too too much... its the calc on wednesday that im nervous about. 50% crap.
-i had a freak out this morning. kind of out of nowhere. i hate feeling this helpless. and even though they were far away, their mere presence, even only in msn form, made the difference. support can come in a lot of different forms and i was so thankful for this person at that moment especially.
-i know i probably dont say it enough and am too busy to make you realize but i do see things the same way and feel the same way and a lot of other things. its just not as obvious as i would like sometimes. and to tell you the truth sometimes i dont fully realize it myself.
-we hung up one of each of our socks in the livingroom. its christmas up in here.
-hours spent at the library arent cool. the lights burn right through my retinas. and you would thinkin a 7 story building with a couple thousand students and a million books would absorb some of the cold air that is circulating in there..but no, its still freezing.
-december the 16th date. teehee and sleepover plans to boot.
-first exam is tomorrow. chem. not really worried about that one too too much... its the calc on wednesday that im nervous about. 50% crap.
-i had a freak out this morning. kind of out of nowhere. i hate feeling this helpless. and even though they were far away, their mere presence, even only in msn form, made the difference. support can come in a lot of different forms and i was so thankful for this person at that moment especially.
-i know i probably dont say it enough and am too busy to make you realize but i do see things the same way and feel the same way and a lot of other things. its just not as obvious as i would like sometimes. and to tell you the truth sometimes i dont fully realize it myself.
-we hung up one of each of our socks in the livingroom. its christmas up in here.
-hours spent at the library arent cool. the lights burn right through my retinas. and you would thinkin a 7 story building with a couple thousand students and a million books would absorb some of the cold air that is circulating in there..but no, its still freezing.
-december the 16th date. teehee and sleepover plans to boot.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
slushy
i know it may seem a little early to be thinking about this stuff, but hey this is london, where people sign leases as early as january and where people like this boy across the hall have parents who BUY them houses. i got my roomates and im happy cause im comfortable with them and i trust them and i know i wont want to kill them in a few month's time. and i get uber excited looking through ads for these houses and it makes me feel grown up even though in my mind, i am way in over my head. im glad i dont have to do this alone though, cause even though i know i would manage, its nice to have someone there with you to pick up the pieces when you feel as though you cant. there might be some struggles later on..hey its not my fault if you just assumed...but im not really worried about those and know they'll just fix themselves.
went to the hospital to hand in my application form...would realy like to volunteer there..might as well while im lviing on campus so close to it and while i dont have a job right? its strange but no matter how stressed and tired i get here, i still always feel as though something is missing. years of random school stuff and jobs have definitly left their mark on me. i do realize that i cant handle a job sometimes and it would be stupid cause i would miss out on so much, but another part of me needs it in a way. im hoping i can volunteer next semester.. only about 4 hours a week and it'll give me something else to do.
i know it may seem a little early to be thinking about this stuff, but hey this is london, where people sign leases as early as january and where people like this boy across the hall have parents who BUY them houses. i got my roomates and im happy cause im comfortable with them and i trust them and i know i wont want to kill them in a few month's time. and i get uber excited looking through ads for these houses and it makes me feel grown up even though in my mind, i am way in over my head. im glad i dont have to do this alone though, cause even though i know i would manage, its nice to have someone there with you to pick up the pieces when you feel as though you cant. there might be some struggles later on..hey its not my fault if you just assumed...but im not really worried about those and know they'll just fix themselves.
went to the hospital to hand in my application form...would realy like to volunteer there..might as well while im lviing on campus so close to it and while i dont have a job right? its strange but no matter how stressed and tired i get here, i still always feel as though something is missing. years of random school stuff and jobs have definitly left their mark on me. i do realize that i cant handle a job sometimes and it would be stupid cause i would miss out on so much, but another part of me needs it in a way. im hoping i can volunteer next semester.. only about 4 hours a week and it'll give me something else to do.
