tuesdays are my bitchy days
my chem lab partner is kinda stuck up. she likes to flaunt her 'intelligence' to all those around her. but the thing is she isn't that smart. shes average. and she says things that make me wanna go, "hey im not stupid". so i say things back to make her feel stupid. i want to hit her sometimes. our lab guy jokingly called her a jackass for hoggin gthe tape...so i repeated it saying, hahaha (insert name here) is a jackass as loud as i could...just so i could vent out the sentiment without actually looking like i meant it. people are aware that shes like that. it was mean, but funny.
i came home from my 6-9 lab to china food thanks to jaxs.. luv you.. so omuch.. *muah*
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
too many hashbrowns this morning
i've noticed that since i got here, i have had an extremely large amount of deja vus...well as far as deja vus go at least. its weird cause its not so much that i feel as though i have experienced it before, but more of a feeling like i dreamt it all before... like i was psychic or something (not saying i am of course). i've been trying to wrap my head around it for a while now. for example this one time i glanced down on my carpet while putting on my socks: it hit me that i had this exact view in a dream or something before. and in a way i remember it in a dream..and me being confused after i woke up as i tried to figure out why i would have a blue and white carpet under me EVER with a fushia thing next to my leg. there is no way i could have known what these thigns would look like because really i have never even thought of owning them before. there was another one i remember on the day of my first lab. i think it was someone's shirt and the faucet in front of them that triggered it. i swear i saw the same exact situation before but in a dream. there are more.. many. i thought i was going crazy for a while.. i thought maybe i saw myself at western all along...i thought of all the other things that i seem to dream about and i got scared because theyre not all good.
i've noticed that since i got here, i have had an extremely large amount of deja vus...well as far as deja vus go at least. its weird cause its not so much that i feel as though i have experienced it before, but more of a feeling like i dreamt it all before... like i was psychic or something (not saying i am of course). i've been trying to wrap my head around it for a while now. for example this one time i glanced down on my carpet while putting on my socks: it hit me that i had this exact view in a dream or something before. and in a way i remember it in a dream..and me being confused after i woke up as i tried to figure out why i would have a blue and white carpet under me EVER with a fushia thing next to my leg. there is no way i could have known what these thigns would look like because really i have never even thought of owning them before. there was another one i remember on the day of my first lab. i think it was someone's shirt and the faucet in front of them that triggered it. i swear i saw the same exact situation before but in a dream. there are more.. many. i thought i was going crazy for a while.. i thought maybe i saw myself at western all along...i thought of all the other things that i seem to dream about and i got scared because theyre not all good.
Monday, September 29, 2003
reading about the arranged marriages
im reading this special in the star. i found it about half way through the series and have already missed many, so i went to the internet and am starting from the begining. i didnt realize it had such a sad start. reading parts of it made me heart hurt to realize that this is actually what he was going through. he's a boy from scarborough, who took pictures with the girl he loved at cederbrae mall and who sat along the cliffs at the scarborough bluffs and attended york university. i cant help but feel that this boy..well man now, could be anyone of us. and i think this instant connection made his story all the more real..like it was happening to someone i know..someone right now. to have to lose someone like that and then have them reappear out of the blue... it hurts. but i dont think i would ever do what he did.
im reading this special in the star. i found it about half way through the series and have already missed many, so i went to the internet and am starting from the begining. i didnt realize it had such a sad start. reading parts of it made me heart hurt to realize that this is actually what he was going through. he's a boy from scarborough, who took pictures with the girl he loved at cederbrae mall and who sat along the cliffs at the scarborough bluffs and attended york university. i cant help but feel that this boy..well man now, could be anyone of us. and i think this instant connection made his story all the more real..like it was happening to someone i know..someone right now. to have to lose someone like that and then have them reappear out of the blue... it hurts. but i dont think i would ever do what he did.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
VIP club toasted on white
the floor luncheon, which was supposed to have been attended by the 45 people on our floor turned out to be a 15 guest event. but what would you expect when EVERYONE was going home this weekend. no suite had all its occupants...many were left with only one or two. then there are always the people too hung over to come. i made sure i wasnt dead last night. and im glad i woke up in time to get ready. i still dont know all of their names, but i guess the effort was worth it this time. i almost didn't go. and hey the pedo that i have as an RA is actually turning into someone i dont mind hanging around.lol
the floor luncheon, which was supposed to have been attended by the 45 people on our floor turned out to be a 15 guest event. but what would you expect when EVERYONE was going home this weekend. no suite had all its occupants...many were left with only one or two. then there are always the people too hung over to come. i made sure i wasnt dead last night. and im glad i woke up in time to get ready. i still dont know all of their names, but i guess the effort was worth it this time. i almost didn't go. and hey the pedo that i have as an RA is actually turning into someone i dont mind hanging around.lol
where the boys are pretty and the 'women' are boys
i think i enjoyed the gay club more than the other ones i normally go to. they have fun music that you can dance EC style to..like madonna but the dance version. they have boys that look and smell good who smile when they look at you as opposed to sweaty gross guys who stare and oggle. they have people who say sorry when they bump into you or pat you bum when you get in the way. they have boys who you can hug and dance playful nasty with without worrying and who will also sing the song at the top of their lungs with you. i felt more comfortable dancing with the strangers. and if youre ever bored, theres always the transvestites to look at or the boys looking at themselves dancing in the mirror..lol and yes they actually do that.
i think i enjoyed the gay club more than the other ones i normally go to. they have fun music that you can dance EC style to..like madonna but the dance version. they have boys that look and smell good who smile when they look at you as opposed to sweaty gross guys who stare and oggle. they have people who say sorry when they bump into you or pat you bum when you get in the way. they have boys who you can hug and dance playful nasty with without worrying and who will also sing the song at the top of their lungs with you. i felt more comfortable dancing with the strangers. and if youre ever bored, theres always the transvestites to look at or the boys looking at themselves dancing in the mirror..lol and yes they actually do that.
Saturday, September 27, 2003
loved ones need to shut up sometimes
every time my mom calls, i still feel as though she calls to criticize. every conversation turns into me trying to defend whatever the hell i just said that seemed to disagree with her. so what if i dont always like the food in the cafeteria? i'm sure im not the first person to have said this. so what if i said i like to cook at home better? she couldnt just leave it.. she had to ask why i didnt like the food when other people did. she wanted to know what i was cooking at home if i didnt like the white people food downstairs and i didnt care much for chinese food either. and here i m at 1030 in the morning barely cohearent trying to explain to my mother its not really the type of food rather the food itself that i find offensive. i said i liked it sometimes, but apparently to her you cant like something sometimes.
every time my mom calls, i still feel as though she calls to criticize. every conversation turns into me trying to defend whatever the hell i just said that seemed to disagree with her. so what if i dont always like the food in the cafeteria? i'm sure im not the first person to have said this. so what if i said i like to cook at home better? she couldnt just leave it.. she had to ask why i didnt like the food when other people did. she wanted to know what i was cooking at home if i didnt like the white people food downstairs and i didnt care much for chinese food either. and here i m at 1030 in the morning barely cohearent trying to explain to my mother its not really the type of food rather the food itself that i find offensive. i said i liked it sometimes, but apparently to her you cant like something sometimes.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Thursday, September 25, 2003
hey CROW
at lunch i sat with the guy that lives across the hall and a football player while watching saved by the bell (which by the way seems to be ALWAYS on). to a person that does not go to a public school with a football team, watch any sports whatsoever, nor cares much about them, it was almost surreal as i sat there in the conversation TALKING about our chances at winning and whatnot with this football guy. the only thing i managed to say was when we were talking about them not playing toronto (u of t) and i quipped in "yeah toronto shouldnt bother having a team, they don't do anything" (sorry petrina but you know its true). this all coming from that one newspaper article on the standings among the universities and my sad conclusion that i didnt even know that toronto had a team so that and their crappy almost last place standing MEANT they sucked and always will suck. luckily my made up conclusion was right and i got agreements all around the table. phew.
at lunch i sat with the guy that lives across the hall and a football player while watching saved by the bell (which by the way seems to be ALWAYS on). to a person that does not go to a public school with a football team, watch any sports whatsoever, nor cares much about them, it was almost surreal as i sat there in the conversation TALKING about our chances at winning and whatnot with this football guy. the only thing i managed to say was when we were talking about them not playing toronto (u of t) and i quipped in "yeah toronto shouldnt bother having a team, they don't do anything" (sorry petrina but you know its true). this all coming from that one newspaper article on the standings among the universities and my sad conclusion that i didnt even know that toronto had a team so that and their crappy almost last place standing MEANT they sucked and always will suck. luckily my made up conclusion was right and i got agreements all around the table. phew.
i know you were expecting something else
you think you're ready to deal with something at last, but then something tells you that maybe you're not quite up for it afterall. i slowly started to back out and after a while i could tell that maybe he wasn't ready for it either. so why push something we both really dont wanna do? yes things are really screwed up the way they are now, and really i have no idea of my 'place' in anything; and it would be nice to finally get to that step. but really i dont think im up for dealing with it anymore. its hard...REALLY hard sometimes. and we both are people who would rather run. i figure i dont deserve it if im not even willing to fight for it. as with a lot of things in life, im gonna let it just process and see where it goes. im tired of saying things and doing things only to hit a wall. i've hit it before and can surely hit it again. and its damn painful. so no risks this time. i dont think im brave enough to leap.
okay im shutting up.. i hate when i get like this.
you think you're ready to deal with something at last, but then something tells you that maybe you're not quite up for it afterall. i slowly started to back out and after a while i could tell that maybe he wasn't ready for it either. so why push something we both really dont wanna do? yes things are really screwed up the way they are now, and really i have no idea of my 'place' in anything; and it would be nice to finally get to that step. but really i dont think im up for dealing with it anymore. its hard...REALLY hard sometimes. and we both are people who would rather run. i figure i dont deserve it if im not even willing to fight for it. as with a lot of things in life, im gonna let it just process and see where it goes. im tired of saying things and doing things only to hit a wall. i've hit it before and can surely hit it again. and its damn painful. so no risks this time. i dont think im brave enough to leap.
okay im shutting up.. i hate when i get like this.
drum roll please
i think i might be willing to give it a try. but i guess the 'terms' need to be worked out. hahaha wow i can make anything sound like a business deal. i just wish i wasnt doing all the talking and he would make it easier and meet me half way. as of right now, that could ruin things cause i know i will get frustrated and decide to run.
i think i might be willing to give it a try. but i guess the 'terms' need to be worked out. hahaha wow i can make anything sound like a business deal. i just wish i wasnt doing all the talking and he would make it easier and meet me half way. as of right now, that could ruin things cause i know i will get frustrated and decide to run.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
b is for brown
i like brown. its my new favourite colour. but despite what everyone thinks, i think brown is a trickier colour than most people consider it to be. well for me anyways. i would never wear brown with yellow or orange. reminds me too much of bad 70s shag carpet. i like dark browns over light. but i like browns and you can never do TOO much brown cause there are soo many shades. black you can overdo...blue too.. which is what i have found alot of my wardrobe to consist of. i need clothes. five years at ward has left me with no clue how to dress myself everyday and have to MATCH things. and when theres only so much stuff to chose from too.. well i guess its going to be an adventure to masonville this weekend while everyone is gone.
i like brown. its my new favourite colour. but despite what everyone thinks, i think brown is a trickier colour than most people consider it to be. well for me anyways. i would never wear brown with yellow or orange. reminds me too much of bad 70s shag carpet. i like dark browns over light. but i like browns and you can never do TOO much brown cause there are soo many shades. black you can overdo...blue too.. which is what i have found alot of my wardrobe to consist of. i need clothes. five years at ward has left me with no clue how to dress myself everyday and have to MATCH things. and when theres only so much stuff to chose from too.. well i guess its going to be an adventure to masonville this weekend while everyone is gone.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
early transcendentals
i'm not good at making decisions. its something that is embedded into my personality and just comes with being me. and to tell you the truth right now, i just want to say no to it all to make all the struggles go away. this way i wouldnt be thinking about it during class while i should be listening to the professor. this way i wouldnt be distracted from homework because i would rather be doing..well you know what. this way i wouldnt have to deal with how this is all going to work out. this way i wouldn't feel obligated or guilty. this way i can finally go back to forgetting, which in a way is easier. and yes maybe im just chickening out but maybe its also better this way to. i dont know if i want MORE of a challenge right now. things are already crazy enough. and in a way i want something else, which is kinda mean if you actually understood it but yeah...
i'm not good at making decisions. its something that is embedded into my personality and just comes with being me. and to tell you the truth right now, i just want to say no to it all to make all the struggles go away. this way i wouldnt be thinking about it during class while i should be listening to the professor. this way i wouldnt be distracted from homework because i would rather be doing..well you know what. this way i wouldnt have to deal with how this is all going to work out. this way i wouldn't feel obligated or guilty. this way i can finally go back to forgetting, which in a way is easier. and yes maybe im just chickening out but maybe its also better this way to. i dont know if i want MORE of a challenge right now. things are already crazy enough. and in a way i want something else, which is kinda mean if you actually understood it but yeah...
Monday, September 22, 2003
strawberry pancakes
i like my mornings. sorta. its not the waking up but rather the half an hour i get to just sit, eat and watch tv. i get up two hours before i have to leave in order to get it, but its worth it. i find i cant just rush out of the door anymore. i like to have time in between to just kinda sit alone for a while.
i like my mornings. sorta. its not the waking up but rather the half an hour i get to just sit, eat and watch tv. i get up two hours before i have to leave in order to get it, but its worth it. i find i cant just rush out of the door anymore. i like to have time in between to just kinda sit alone for a while.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Friday, September 19, 2003
pop, burst, fizzle fizzle
i live in a bubble. i thought i was uninformed about current events before, but this is ridiculus. there's a friggin' hurricane killing thousands of people and destroying everything in its path..and not only that, its bringing crazy rain, wind and its making people in toronto panic and i did not know of its existence until last week. its a HURRICANE for goodness sakes. i've found that the perimeter of the campus is impermeable to anything from the outside world except for groceries, alcohol, clothes, and people. its as though once you step over the threshold, your mind is erased of everything. what else is happening out there? *knock Knock* tomorrow is saturday. i have a beckers across the street. i will buy a saturday star and devour it. i will beat the bubble and learn things about the middle east, and why i saw yassir arafat on the tv yelling at the american news interviewer. i will find out who exactly is running in this election thing. i will find out what movies are actually playing in real theatres. if you were here, you would think that this homecoming thing was the most important thing happening in the world right now.. like its the olympics or something.
i live in a bubble. i thought i was uninformed about current events before, but this is ridiculus. there's a friggin' hurricane killing thousands of people and destroying everything in its path..and not only that, its bringing crazy rain, wind and its making people in toronto panic and i did not know of its existence until last week. its a HURRICANE for goodness sakes. i've found that the perimeter of the campus is impermeable to anything from the outside world except for groceries, alcohol, clothes, and people. its as though once you step over the threshold, your mind is erased of everything. what else is happening out there? *knock Knock* tomorrow is saturday. i have a beckers across the street. i will buy a saturday star and devour it. i will beat the bubble and learn things about the middle east, and why i saw yassir arafat on the tv yelling at the american news interviewer. i will find out who exactly is running in this election thing. i will find out what movies are actually playing in real theatres. if you were here, you would think that this homecoming thing was the most important thing happening in the world right now.. like its the olympics or something.
i am physics queen...at least thats what i tell myself
-about an hour and a half before my first university quiz. oh man...
however, less scary than my first highschool test now that i think about it.
-it is homecoming here this weekend. what the hell is homecoming? can someone please explain this concept. apparently a lot of people are excited.
-brass munk was fun. they said hi to their 'mary ward crew' hahaha. we talked with the little asian one.
-i think i have found a new study space...in the library. however it is right next to the starbucks, which is never good news
-i need more vegtables
-i wish it wasnt perma-raining here so i would be more excited about going dancing tonight. right now i feel blah
-about an hour and a half before my first university quiz. oh man...
however, less scary than my first highschool test now that i think about it.
-it is homecoming here this weekend. what the hell is homecoming? can someone please explain this concept. apparently a lot of people are excited.
-brass munk was fun. they said hi to their 'mary ward crew' hahaha. we talked with the little asian one.
-i think i have found a new study space...in the library. however it is right next to the starbucks, which is never good news
-i need more vegtables
-i wish it wasnt perma-raining here so i would be more excited about going dancing tonight. right now i feel blah
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
thinking again
no matter how hard i try to pretend or convince myself otherwise, im still the silly little girl that cares too much about stupid things and who gets easily excited and who has an incredibly soft underbelly that she keeps heavily guarded. yes i may be loud at times, vocal about all my problems, and seemingly open. sometimes i get myself convinced that perhaps i have moved past my problems; moved past my insecurities and have developed that 'toughness' i have always wanted. i hate being the person to cry once someone yells or to be so stupid that i get frustrated with MYSELF, or the person that reverts back to the shy, mute 4th grader whenever the situation seems to get a little overwhelming. i've always admired people for their independence, their self-confidence, and infectious personalities. i merely pretend. i guess who's to know that they're not pretending right? everyone has their own closet of skeletons i suppose.
no matter how hard i try to pretend or convince myself otherwise, im still the silly little girl that cares too much about stupid things and who gets easily excited and who has an incredibly soft underbelly that she keeps heavily guarded. yes i may be loud at times, vocal about all my problems, and seemingly open. sometimes i get myself convinced that perhaps i have moved past my problems; moved past my insecurities and have developed that 'toughness' i have always wanted. i hate being the person to cry once someone yells or to be so stupid that i get frustrated with MYSELF, or the person that reverts back to the shy, mute 4th grader whenever the situation seems to get a little overwhelming. i've always admired people for their independence, their self-confidence, and infectious personalities. i merely pretend. i guess who's to know that they're not pretending right? everyone has their own closet of skeletons i suppose.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
well look at that
i am really starting to feel a sense of comfort here, much to my surprise. it wasnt as though i was uncomfortable before (well i was for a bit) but its starting to actually feel like my school. im starting to meet more normal people and talk about normal everyday things instead of the fake small talk i got so annoyed at. the labs and tutorials DO help..well some more than others i guess. i still dont bump into familiar faces as often as i would like but its starting to be okay i can feel it. its honestly a great feeling going into clss and knowing there will be someone there that you know waiting.
the clubs here are a big disappointment...there ISNT a club for everyone. they think there is but not for ang...new thing on list: second year start a club (provided its not too hard to)
hmm.. i wonder what my horoscope said for this month...
i am really starting to feel a sense of comfort here, much to my surprise. it wasnt as though i was uncomfortable before (well i was for a bit) but its starting to actually feel like my school. im starting to meet more normal people and talk about normal everyday things instead of the fake small talk i got so annoyed at. the labs and tutorials DO help..well some more than others i guess. i still dont bump into familiar faces as often as i would like but its starting to be okay i can feel it. its honestly a great feeling going into clss and knowing there will be someone there that you know waiting.
the clubs here are a big disappointment...there ISNT a club for everyone. they think there is but not for ang...new thing on list: second year start a club (provided its not too hard to)
hmm.. i wonder what my horoscope said for this month...
upsidedownagain
so nothing happened afteral, even after the freak out. and i honestly cannot say i was disappointed. after a conversation today, it really hit me that if it had actally occured, i dont know what i would have done. things just got so messed up you know? and most of the freak out was because of this reason. im just here.. hi
so nothing happened afteral, even after the freak out. and i honestly cannot say i was disappointed. after a conversation today, it really hit me that if it had actally occured, i dont know what i would have done. things just got so messed up you know? and most of the freak out was because of this reason. im just here.. hi
Monday, September 15, 2003
in need of a little advice
i should be in a physics lecture right now...but i got up and dressed and was already out of the door and changed my mind and walked right back in and took my shoes off. i wasnt going in. it looks miserable outside and technically i already learned this stuff..twice now.
so things got a little interesting last night and yes i needed my moo to freak out to. its times like these that i thank the genius that created the labatt blue line..lol
i'm sure it can't be anything bad, but man it doesnt matter what it is anymore because no matter what happens, it will be bad just because of the situation. i'm just waiting for it to happen cause im so curious but at the same time hoping it doesn't. i'm so confused i dont know what i feel. yeah i dont try to understand myself anymore...
i should be in a physics lecture right now...but i got up and dressed and was already out of the door and changed my mind and walked right back in and took my shoes off. i wasnt going in. it looks miserable outside and technically i already learned this stuff..twice now.
so things got a little interesting last night and yes i needed my moo to freak out to. its times like these that i thank the genius that created the labatt blue line..lol
i'm sure it can't be anything bad, but man it doesnt matter what it is anymore because no matter what happens, it will be bad just because of the situation. i'm just waiting for it to happen cause im so curious but at the same time hoping it doesn't. i'm so confused i dont know what i feel. yeah i dont try to understand myself anymore...
Sunday, September 14, 2003
better the second time around
there was something about the visit this time; something about it that allowed me to come back and feel okay about being here. i dont know if it was just a realization that nothing really has changed afterall, or that maybe we are not that far away, or maybe something entirely different that i just cant explain, but what i can say is that it changed me...even if only slightly. i'm more comfortable here now, and on the 2 hour drive up, i no longer felt any pangs of homesickness or fears of impending doom that i had felt on previous trips. could it be a new sense of security? i dont know. needlesstosay the trip and the many people who were apart of the friend-filled weekend was what i needed. hahaha scarborough day.lol
there was something about the visit this time; something about it that allowed me to come back and feel okay about being here. i dont know if it was just a realization that nothing really has changed afterall, or that maybe we are not that far away, or maybe something entirely different that i just cant explain, but what i can say is that it changed me...even if only slightly. i'm more comfortable here now, and on the 2 hour drive up, i no longer felt any pangs of homesickness or fears of impending doom that i had felt on previous trips. could it be a new sense of security? i dont know. needlesstosay the trip and the many people who were apart of the friend-filled weekend was what i needed. hahaha scarborough day.lol
Friday, September 12, 2003
packing...sorta
i didn't think it would turn into something this big. i feel almost princess-y. hahaha. well i do. shut up. and although i was unsure of whether or not to come back so soon, im sooo glad i am making the trip now. what moo said was true, i dont think we realized how much we missed eachother's company until i knew i was coming back for a while. i wish it was a longer trip, not the one day that im really going to be in for, but my schedule's not as nice a jeff's who can leave thursday evening if he wants. i can't wait to see everyone. i thought all those emotions were put behind me now, but oh man they just might resurface. just one more class at 4 and then an interesting trip to the bus station and i'll be home.
i didn't think it would turn into something this big. i feel almost princess-y. hahaha. well i do. shut up. and although i was unsure of whether or not to come back so soon, im sooo glad i am making the trip now. what moo said was true, i dont think we realized how much we missed eachother's company until i knew i was coming back for a while. i wish it was a longer trip, not the one day that im really going to be in for, but my schedule's not as nice a jeff's who can leave thursday evening if he wants. i can't wait to see everyone. i thought all those emotions were put behind me now, but oh man they just might resurface. just one more class at 4 and then an interesting trip to the bus station and i'll be home.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
just one of 'em days
today in my psychology class, the teacher told us to turn the page of the handout that was distributed, and the roar of over 1200 rustling papers filled the room. that one little sound, echoed 1200 times created an incredible amount of noise. it made me realize the enormity of the class, and how insignificant i, and my sad little rustle was. i think that's the biggest thing i've had to deal with here. i didn't mind so much being different, i minded the fact that i was lost. its a new sense of lonely, but at the same time mixed with feelings of excitement as i explore... its really strange actually.
the girls here make me want to develop an eating disorder and dye my hair blonde.. haha okay i dont really mean that, but wow i think i understand how come girls go to such extremes to get 'the look' cause when youre different in a cookie cutter world, youre REALLY different.
today in my psychology class, the teacher told us to turn the page of the handout that was distributed, and the roar of over 1200 rustling papers filled the room. that one little sound, echoed 1200 times created an incredible amount of noise. it made me realize the enormity of the class, and how insignificant i, and my sad little rustle was. i think that's the biggest thing i've had to deal with here. i didn't mind so much being different, i minded the fact that i was lost. its a new sense of lonely, but at the same time mixed with feelings of excitement as i explore... its really strange actually.
the girls here make me want to develop an eating disorder and dye my hair blonde.. haha okay i dont really mean that, but wow i think i understand how come girls go to such extremes to get 'the look' cause when youre different in a cookie cutter world, youre REALLY different.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
wishing you were here
while freezing on the hill for closing ceremonies, among the many cheers, music, and random noises i heard throughout it all, one song stood out. there was just something about it. and its not as though ive never heard it before, when it was popular it played quite often in fact, but this was the first time it meant something to me; the first time i felt something from it. it was like a tingle or weird electric shock went through me. it reminded me of a certain someone and at that moment i would have done anything to be with them. it made me kinda regret not coming home this weekend. i know two and a half hours isnt far away but its still enough. and despite my better judgment, i'm letting it happen all over again.
while freezing on the hill for closing ceremonies, among the many cheers, music, and random noises i heard throughout it all, one song stood out. there was just something about it. and its not as though ive never heard it before, when it was popular it played quite often in fact, but this was the first time it meant something to me; the first time i felt something from it. it was like a tingle or weird electric shock went through me. it reminded me of a certain someone and at that moment i would have done anything to be with them. it made me kinda regret not coming home this weekend. i know two and a half hours isnt far away but its still enough. and despite my better judgment, i'm letting it happen all over again.
Friday, September 05, 2003
wrist checks
things have started to settle down. STARTED. we still ahve frosh going onwhich turns things a little crazy. i think i might be getting sick. i can feel myself getting weaker. this is what no sleep does to ang. gotta start popping those vitamins. although it took a while, i am getting used to the fact that i'm walking around alone, going into massive classes filled with hundreds of people and sitting beside a complete stranger. but ive met far more people this way than i have during the first few days of frosh, which were forgettable. i made my way to the td bank on the outskirts of the other side of campus. i;ve decided to get a presidents choice account so i can use the cibc here. td builds fuckin stadium here but cant put in an automatic teller. meeting up with nicole later to find her roomate and have some adventures downtown. yeah i nkow im skipping out on frosh but i think im over it. i dont NEED to go to a carnival.
i want to take off these wristbands that do nothing more than identify me as frosh (and get me into some events). i liked walking around campus annonymous with my sweatshirt over the unmistakable bright blue band. older students alwasy loko at you and you see their eyes dart straight to your arm for the wrist check. but it goes the other way around too...frosh alws do the wrist check before talking to others. i do it too.. its kinda funny. no one talks to me when they cant se emy wristband.
things have started to settle down. STARTED. we still ahve frosh going onwhich turns things a little crazy. i think i might be getting sick. i can feel myself getting weaker. this is what no sleep does to ang. gotta start popping those vitamins. although it took a while, i am getting used to the fact that i'm walking around alone, going into massive classes filled with hundreds of people and sitting beside a complete stranger. but ive met far more people this way than i have during the first few days of frosh, which were forgettable. i made my way to the td bank on the outskirts of the other side of campus. i;ve decided to get a presidents choice account so i can use the cibc here. td builds fuckin stadium here but cant put in an automatic teller. meeting up with nicole later to find her roomate and have some adventures downtown. yeah i nkow im skipping out on frosh but i think im over it. i dont NEED to go to a carnival.
i want to take off these wristbands that do nothing more than identify me as frosh (and get me into some events). i liked walking around campus annonymous with my sweatshirt over the unmistakable bright blue band. older students alwasy loko at you and you see their eyes dart straight to your arm for the wrist check. but it goes the other way around too...frosh alws do the wrist check before talking to others. i do it too.. its kinda funny. no one talks to me when they cant se emy wristband.
flippin coins
it was going great..until suddenly it wasnt. i dont know what i did wrong. i could even be imagining this problem. but i really feel as though something is up because well..dammit dont ask. i dont know what i did to make it bad and maybe i do have an idea but im not even sure. oh man why cant people just say why theyre pissed off? it would make everyone's lives a whole lot easier. i would know why i suck and you would get it resolved. its times like these that i understand why sometimes things are the way they are and havent turned into anything more. because if there were, i wouldnt be allowed to push the hurt and whatnot aside, telling myself that i shouldnt expect things and i shouldnt get my hopes up. its hard when you dont know really. okay im going to sleep.
it was going great..until suddenly it wasnt. i dont know what i did wrong. i could even be imagining this problem. but i really feel as though something is up because well..dammit dont ask. i dont know what i did to make it bad and maybe i do have an idea but im not even sure. oh man why cant people just say why theyre pissed off? it would make everyone's lives a whole lot easier. i would know why i suck and you would get it resolved. its times like these that i understand why sometimes things are the way they are and havent turned into anything more. because if there were, i wouldnt be allowed to push the hurt and whatnot aside, telling myself that i shouldnt expect things and i shouldnt get my hopes up. its hard when you dont know really. okay im going to sleep.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
no woman no cry
tomrrow is classes and although a part of me is yearning for something more than meaningless craziness, i am of course also deathly afraid. im not expecting the classes to be that hard, but even today, after talking to professors and having them give us brief 'talk/presentation' about their subject, i was hit in the face with how much i didnt know. there were things that seemed as though it came so naturally to some, like naming the three most abundant elements on earth. things like this i do not know and things like this make me realize that i am in a much bigger pond with far more fishes to compete with. i dont know if im ready for that shot at the ego. i like being on top, maybe not at the peak, but close enough. its scary how if i had dropped three more percent, i may not have made it. i am tired.. but its DISCO SCI tonight, whatever that means
tomrrow is classes and although a part of me is yearning for something more than meaningless craziness, i am of course also deathly afraid. im not expecting the classes to be that hard, but even today, after talking to professors and having them give us brief 'talk/presentation' about their subject, i was hit in the face with how much i didnt know. there were things that seemed as though it came so naturally to some, like naming the three most abundant elements on earth. things like this i do not know and things like this make me realize that i am in a much bigger pond with far more fishes to compete with. i dont know if im ready for that shot at the ego. i like being on top, maybe not at the peak, but close enough. its scary how if i had dropped three more percent, i may not have made it. i am tired.. but its DISCO SCI tonight, whatever that means
swirling
there is so much stuff happening and even though i am unsure whether i want to be apart of it all sometimes, im glad i am here nonetheless. there is so much to tell and to show but it is 2:41 and havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night since frosh started. and if you know me well, you'll know that im starting to die. its weird how not only are things here changing, everything, even at home has responded as well. only time will tell i guess. thank god for pictures and msn and webcams and microphones. without them i dont know what i would have done. a part of me is still convinced that this is all a trip.. like queens and that i;ll be packing up soon. i need to definitly thank my girls for all the birthday stuff that now hangs in my room. my palm tree is standing tall and for pet who insisted i take the boards of pictures when i was unsure whether i will have anywhere to put them... they helped a lot.
there is so much stuff happening and even though i am unsure whether i want to be apart of it all sometimes, im glad i am here nonetheless. there is so much to tell and to show but it is 2:41 and havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night since frosh started. and if you know me well, you'll know that im starting to die. its weird how not only are things here changing, everything, even at home has responded as well. only time will tell i guess. thank god for pictures and msn and webcams and microphones. without them i dont know what i would have done. a part of me is still convinced that this is all a trip.. like queens and that i;ll be packing up soon. i need to definitly thank my girls for all the birthday stuff that now hangs in my room. my palm tree is standing tall and for pet who insisted i take the boards of pictures when i was unsure whether i will have anywhere to put them... they helped a lot.
