slap me with a happy stick
Sometimes i just can't help but smile to myself... i've had this smirk on my face for a while now actually. i dont know what it is exactly but it just wont go away...not that i really want it to. for once im feeling really good.. and no matter what stresses school or work brings, i'm still secretly smirking.. smiling.. teehee..
on another note.. i will never understand some people, or rather, i will never understand why people do certain things.. .. how they can just be used in a sense.. ugh.. please dont ever let me get this stupid.. and please just see it too

sometimes one conversation can make all the difference.

your socks are smiling... creepy
you know my mom is right. i get distracted too easily. like last weekend, when i really REALLY needed to do homework but instead slept the weekend away and still managed to go to school more tired than ever. But i know i can handle it.. that i can get it done.. and thats the important thing right? that despite having fun and stressing over it afterwards, it still works out well. im just worried that one day it wont anymore..
there's some people i haven't seen for a while. i miss them in a way. its not the same when you don't see eachother outside of school.. away from the stress and work. i wonder what they're doing without me. i wonder if they even notice i'm not there...i wonder that a lot actually. i really shouldn't but i do. I sound whiny when i talk about it. People shouldn't worry whether or not others know they exist.. they dont care.. they give their finger to the world and say screw you and go on with their lives... but i havent reached that level of maturity yet..and i dont think i ever will..so right now im just gonna deal with my insercurities thank you very much.

"Strength, courage, and wisdom" ("and it's been inside of me all along")
you gotta love a chick who can make you feel good and sing to boot.. lol. im on a female singer kick right now.. i think it started when i heard that sarah harmer song from a while back that i used to sing in TA that would drive Patrick crazy for some reason. India Arie makes me want to rip off my bra, flash my unshaven legs, and yell "I am woman!" lol but we all know that won't ever happen thank goodness. I feel as though when i listen to it, i'm walking taller, being more confident.. and i know it's just all in my head too but does that REALLY matter? next cd will be norah jones.. not really the same, but im intrigued by her nonetheless.

so luckily the SAC event didnt turn out to be a total bomb. i love our oacs... julie with her marshmallow drool, sean 'dominating' that pie, emmanuel with his messed up, ghetto, booty-shakin' hula dancing... im gonna miss you guys so much.

if we all start wearing masks, i will totally be freaked out.. its gonna be like some sort of morbid sci-fi movie that never makes any money cause its so bad

i dont know what im doing lately.
"Where we'll go, baby, I don't know, maybe we should just let nature run the show.."

lose what I got keep what I find
Today was the first day in a long time that school actually worked out for me...the first day where I actually felt productive and felt like i understood things and felt that maybe it wasn't all pointless or some form of societal punishment afterall. That being said, it was also today that i realized that I wanted more in life. i wanted a break, an escape rather from this... this everything. Until quite recently, it was pretty much the same ol' stuff.. school. work. sleep. school. go out. sleep. I dunno. Maybe its just the warm sun on my skin and the puddles of melted snow under my feet talking, but despite how much i actually felt as though i fit into the whole 'school' thing today, i needed out. I need some time to do nothing. To be able to sit around and just watch the sunlight dancing on the ceiling of my room or the stars make their way across the sky. I want to drape myself over a couch, or pile of cushions, or even a picnic blanket and just talk about everything and nothing and all that is in between. I want to take a walk...one without a destination and find out how the neighbourhood has changed and just end up somewhere. I've noticed that although i've seen a lot of other people, I haven't really seen them...myself included. And although i'm not quite sure how i expect to fix this, i do know that i just need to.. somehow. You know you've been watching too much Oprah when you finally understand the meaning of 'feeding your soul'.lol and i think the time has finally come and i realize that mine is hungry.

a weekend at home trying to do nothing but homework is a lot harder than one anticipates. Needless to say, the list i made for myself is not even half crossed out, but in my defence, it was a HUGE list to begin with, an attempt to make up for all the non-work i did all of march break and this week at school.
doing your taxes is the worst thing in the entire world. I went to do them to distract myself from homework.. but after about 15 minutes i gave up and decided that i would RATHER being doing math.. ewww... i have a new appreciation for all the accountants out there..

I should have done something this weekend.. something that was way overdue.. not a project or assignment of any sorts.. just this thing. I didn't feel up to it.. citing my need to do homework as an excuse. But now i'm wondering, is the fact that i havent done it already an indication that maybe i dont want to fix things all that badly? I know to others it may have been mean, but to some it was something that just needed to be done. Not saying that the crazy kids are right, but something caused them to pull the trigger right? something made them go: you know what? this is enough shit for now..... i mean if anything, at least we didnt blow her head off.. (okay now THAT was mean, but you know, i say it like it is). lol things are going to get back to normal eventually.. and i know i have to make the first step.. and i will.. when i'm ready. In fact the process has already begun.

anyone wanna go to the one of a kind show with me next weekend?

ode to luke
luke is so cool, luke is so great
i love him even though he ditched me on our valentine's day date.
he's there when im sad or when i need hugs
and he doesnt seem to fall into holes that are dug.(hehe you know what i mean)
he's great for a laugh and he's oh so smooth
and thats is why he's so groove-y

hahaha i rock i know..lol

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark
i dont know what to think anymore. it seems the world is spinning around me and nothing is really in focus or under my control anymore. I dont like NOT being in control. i mean i dont need to have everything for my manipulation, but i feel insecure when i cant seem to even grasp at the things around me. One minute it's one thing, the next minute it's another. is this what growing up is all about? weird how all those years ago you thought your world was upsidedown when your friend said something about you behind your back. Makes you wonder about how it can only get worse huh?

i think im losing a friend. not in the same capacity as others, but nonetheless the lost is still being sensed. I'm also wondering about other people.... what theyre really feeling.. what is really going on in their head. cause i really dont know and i wonder sometimes what exactly they are thinking.

And althought my night has not been productive in the school/academic way it was planned, it was very productive in another way. We dont consider emotional/social development as a priority and rather it is something we just forget about and push aside. its just not somethign with a due date or deadline that we have to get in. but really tonight was awesome. i mean we are all loved, maybe not in the way we want to be loved... but right now i consider myself fuckin' lucky..cause right now i have more love than a lot of people will ever experience in a lifetime.

A melting pot coming to a boil
i'm not sure what to make of it all. it was basically three years of pent up frustration, spewed out in some weird from of an intervention. i mean to revisit it all again, after thinking i was already over it all was an interesting experience to say the least. I found out i was really more bitter and upset about everything that went on between us than i realized. I didnt want to cry this time. I felt that breaking down in front of her as she sat there staring blankly was in some way letting her win all those years ago And as i heard my voice break and the tears starting to come this time, i only grew more angry with myself for being in a sense weak. Really all of this should have happened earlier. I don't even know if anything will come out of it, whether she has absorbed any of it at all. And although it may seem selfish, I needed it. I needed to finally tell her everything that i have been thinking all these years; to at least open her eyes, albeit only a little. It went better than i thought it should have actually. There was no major crying, throwing, or yelling, although i started to at one point. I guess we can only see what happens huh. If this isnt a weird experiemnet in friendships and social relationships i dont know what is.
What i dont understand is that even after all of this, some people are still attached. i mean how much are some people williing to take? They bitch and yell and complain and yet they always go running back in one way or another. What makes a person so attached that even through all the abuse, you refuse to leave indefiinitly? its just something i will never understand i guess. one of life's little mysteries.

taking another look
i feel as though i have rediscovered someone today. have now seen a whole other side of her, that i knew existed, but just didnt let myself really believe. She was really good. i was proud cause i knew her, cause i was her friend. she was actually in a way living out what a true television teenager would do...what i have been picturing in my head at least...playing in a little smokey room.. It was one of those things that made you both incredibly jealous and inspired. It made me want to start learning the guitar and hiring an old stuffy white european woman with far too much makeup to give me singing lessons. and then reality set in...
She was glowing. it was great.

picking up the pieces
No matter how bad something ends up being, there always seems to be someone there to make it a bit bearable. In truth, it almost made me cry after she whipped out the silver, little box and flashed it in front of my face. It only half registered in my head what it was until i read the raised silver letters and tore open the package. It wasn't because she had saved me twenty bucks, it was because she even thought to do it. She knew i loved it, she knew i lost it.. and for her to just simply replace it like that after a hectic day of running around and replacing everything was just too much for me. Finally something that came easily. Finally something that shows me that the world really isnt out to get me after all. it was one less thing i had to worry about or miss in my life. To someone else it may have been just a simple gesture, but really, it was one of those things that brought so much relief and gratitude i couldn't even explain to myself what it meant to me.

my friends are broken.. we are trying to fix things.. who'd thought fuck friend, pretend friend, silent friend and well brave friend could get themselves in so much trouble..lol and no matter what anybody says, i would chose you over the hole anyday

there's a storm a brewing and i think im going to get caught right in it. fortunatly, i won't be left with anything broken.. but then again who's to say im not already damaged goods?

so its kinda sad how a person can be SO lost without something as trivial as a cell phone. once a person who didn't think i needed one and was against getting one in fact, i kinda cringe at the fact that i am so dependent on it now. i didn't know any phone numbers, i couldnt get a hold of anyone and they didnt know how to find me. it was weird how vulnerable i felt driving home one night without it. i wondered what i would have done if i had broken down while in the middle of nowhere.. because for a portion of the drive home, its all commercial/industrial/construction/fields.
so i went around replacing everything semi-making up stories about how i lost the purse cause just saying i lost it at a drunken party didnt seem like soemthing i should be telling all these banks/government institutions. everything is okay except for my health card...i was too lazy to go down after 3 hours of lining up at various places.. and my visa, which technically isnt cancelled yet but has a block on it. i still want my bag back.. it was a nice bag.. and i loved my wallet.. and semi pictures were in there.. im never getting that roll developed now. thank you jeanette for being there through all the bitchiness.. thank you for putting up with me. thank you for being there just so i wouldn;t be crazy looking yelling at the chinese man alone. you must have hated that day and yes i know i ruined the ang and jeanette day..

ATTENTION!! LOST: ONE SMALL BLACK LEATHER HANDBAG
ugh i lost my purse! i'm ang. i dont lose things. whats kinda ironic is that the camera is lost AGAIN..lol i joked about it being cursed.. i dont think it went over too well with who i said it to if you get my drift..lol things were definitly interesting yesterday.. with lotsof people together drinking that i've never really experienced before..lol from "i dont have a condom" craziness to an almost SAC scandal to a no then a yes? apparently i could have gotten sexually assaulted many times yesterday if i had really wanted to..lol creepy.. hahaha
let me tell you how i get hit in the head twice yesterday.. i felt like that Ty girl on clueless (the movie) when she gets hit in the head with a clog at the valley party. Some tall blond guy fully walks into me and the beer in his hand just so happens to be on the same level as my head.. and all i hear is a cluck when it hits me int the middle of my forehead! Then i get hit with a stupid ping pong ball.. lol mark unger youre gonna pay..lol

so yeah if anyone hears about my purse tell me.. apparently jaclyn brown couldn't find hers either.. we're hoping it got taken accidentally... but i called and my phone is off.. which is weird.. sigh..

how cn soeone convince themself that its okay when its really not
i want to know the truth even when youre doing something stupid

sooo. i'm in another one of those "i dont want to do anything" moods. i think i get into one every time a big break from school approaches and the fact that this time it's also after deadlines, doesn't help. But yeah. watch, tomrrow its all gonna hit me in the face when i take my mag test and i dont knwo anything cause i didnt feel like studying at all today even though i stayed home and also because instead of studying yesterday, i went to amanda's house and went to bed early afterwards. But today wasnt a total waste. i got to talk to people while warm and comfy in my bed, with sunlight streaming through my windows, in my 'fort' of pillows until 1130. i had a good day at work. and actually think that im making progress on the hygenist that i am convinced hates me. have you ever kinda wished you got in a car accident just to get the other driver in trouble? yeah i know its not smart, but sometimes, when im driving my mom's shit car and something like a giant ass truck wide turns into my lane as if he didnt even see me coming, i WANT to get into an accident.. cause technically the truck cut me off and the ugly car im in would be gone cause it wouldnt be worth repairing.. the things that go through my head.

i love my friends. we can turn a nothing day into a tobaggan adventure! it was awesome. i remember now why i'm so lucky. everyone needs people in their lives who can make even the stupidest things exciting and fun. i think we all need to revisit our childhood, go back and do something we remember having so much fun doing while we were 10. cause honestly, you revert right back to your old ways, with girls screaming down the hills and boys trying to aim their speeding tobaggan in between two dangerously close trees. Almost falling into the stream; bailing out right before slamming into a tree, while just missing another one; watching two guys at the foot of a tree squirming on top of one another-stuck; feeling my tobaggan launch into the air and making a giant skid mark as i landed; seeing someone in a tree calling out to the ducks.. priceless all of it.
so moomoo how did your day go?