everything no matter how ugly can be beautiful. you just have to see it in the right context
two people sitting on the subway. one man one woman. they are overweight...so much so that they sort of spill over onto eachother and out of the two seater they were sharing. Their clothes are glaringly bright, mismatched, and have various stains on them. Their faces are pink and saggy and really not that much to look at. anywhere else..even on their own, they would have attracted stares. but when the old man reached over to hold that fat woman's hand, i felt my heart cringe. they somehow, in a matter of milliseconds turned from kinda grotesque to incredibly cute.

on a street corner. north side of queen between university and yonge. there is a homeless person with about 8 rats on his arm and a little box of change at his feet. yes he is dirty. yes the rats are furry and long-tailed. everyone shudders or takes the extra time to walk in a big circle around the man, or kicks the man's change box accidentally in their attempt to quickly get out of the man's vicinity (and well no one helps him pick the coins up cause...well.. there are RATS there). but you have to think. where did that man get those rats from? even though there are pprobably millions of rats in toronto's streets...this man has been able to not only catch them, but to also train then. you gotta at least give him credit for that. Street bum one minute...tamer of wild animals the next.

you can't lose something you never had
so right now i'm extremely disappointed that moo can't have a hole punched into her nose (care of me). i was actually really looking forward to it, not because i want one or anything... just because i know where she's coming from; what she has had to do; and well if anything it was symbollic in a way, in addition to the fact that it would have looked awesome. talk about a birthday present that lasts forever huh? well i have a back up plan.. its not as good.. but i guess it will have to do.

slightly less than half
I scored a 48% on the "how asian are you?" Quiz! What about you?
oh the things i do at 1 in the morning

You know you have to get out when:
-you find all your stuff off the table you left it on and placed into a cardboard box, which has been left in the corner of the room
-your brother, being too lazy to turn on the other computer, decides to use the one i'm on when i go upstairs to make lunch...oh and he closed all my programs
-you speak more to a person at western university over the phone than members of your own family
-you realize you can live perfectly well on your own cause after two weeks of non-home cooked meals, your mom serves you boiled broccoli and store bought chicken for dinner (gee..i could have done that)
-you get mad just KNOWING there are others in the house
-the only conversation you make with your mother all day is the arguement you had about whether or not kleenex boxes are allowed in the green bin (for the record...if ice cream boxes are in, why the hell not kleenex boxes?)

post its
when did it all change? i dont know. i want to rewind my life and find that precise moment where my entire opinion changed. i want to know what happened to make me feel this way. i thought for a while that maybe other people's opinions clouded my judgement, but i honestly cant say that because at one point i was one of their best supporters...one who was ready to defend. maybe after a while i didnt know what i was defending.. maybe.. i saw things that i didnt before..maybe before i was just used to it...maybe i stopped caring? its a little scary to me. have i forgotten all the goodness that i once saw? perhaps i have changed and just view things differently now. its not that im surprised of the change..because my view of people change all the time.. i just mind THIS change because it really wasnt for the better...in fact its quite different. it's been a while since i have wanted to hit someone in the face... and hurt them. it says something indeed when the mere thought of it all puts you in a foul mood.

nehru
it was strange. i went through her things today simply because i was there and i know this may be morbid and weird of me to say, but it was almost as if she was dead. i havent seen her for the longest time..have barely interacted with her... i once saw her like everyday and now i hear tidbits of her life through other people's mouths...she in a way is gone. just a memory almost. hmm.

purple
a couple of nights ago i learned that you are never too old to yell, slam doors, and bawl while seeking comfort and solitude in your closet. it was like i was a little kid again-hiding there, crying in the dark. it was weird and i felt stupid but i also felt a sense of comfort, like an old security blanket. and even as i sat in there recently the old feeling was still there. It was all very interesting to say the least. i dont think my parents know exactly how screwed up stephen and i really are. i dont even think i fully know, although i am discovering more everyday, and quite frankly i'm scared. it was definitly an eye-opener, especially for my mom, who i am sure knew it all along but needed me saying it to confirm it. to my father however, well he remained unscathed at the fact that his daughter was in tears, not bothered by the fact that what was coming out of my mouth was years of supressed frustrations about the whole situation, unaware of how much we were both really hurt. new rule: when i grow up there will be no fighting in front of the kids...no name calling.. no dragging mistakes made 20 years ago...it's childish; immature. the world needs more best friends who you can count on to cry to and tell you stories to make you forget about everything until your so exhausted, you have to go to bed.

although it all started like a day from hell, with a conflict already brewing at 530 in the morning, this academic orientation day was really what i needed. yes i could have gone without the lectures about meal plans and how much fun i am going to have at western, and yes the afternoon, especially for me was full of waiting around doing nothing.....but in the end it was all worthwhile. strange how a few little things can change the whole day around.
the machine that made western id cards was broken (way to go leo) and no one was supposed to get their id cards til september. but somehow me and this other girl got some inside information on where to acquire them at another building...haha so ang has her card! yay!
i also found an awesome proffesor and can't wait to be in one of his classes. he actually made me excited about western again...excited about learning and school and everything. he helped me with my whole bio dilema and everything else that was on my mind. he even went out of his way to track down the head science councellor to make sure i would be okay. he's one of those people that make you feel good about a decision even though you're ready to wet yourself...someone to be confident for you when you aren't. he honestly MADE me confident...we sat the three of us...me and two university adults and all of a sudden i felt really good about everything...like i belonged and would be okay. she was even ready to write me special permission to get into this class reserved for 2nd yr students, but couldn't find the pad... they gave me their card to call anytime especially after first year to talk about my options and it looked like they REALLY meant it.. and even though i know there are thousands of students and they wont remember me, it was what i needed at the moment. so ang will try and take those second year bio courses.. ahhh..or at least juggle the decision until aug 1 when i can register.

oooh shiny
two days in a row of downtown is a little too much for me. it weird to think that people will be living in it all. steps away from the art exhibition in front of city hall. a few stops from stores supplying anything in the world that you want or need. im tired. but it was great both days.
i got my other ear pierced today. my rook. im even again now. lol. im debating whether i should just tell my mom or let her discover it on her own. im wondering how long it would take her to find out. im trying to figure out if it would be better for her to find out sooner on her own or later. hmm. why do we all get piercings and tattoos and whatnots? sometimes i feel like ive fallen into some sort of trap people have set out for me. there are all these articles, tv shows, people trying to deconstruct teenagers and find out what really goes through their mind-trying to tell parents that perhaps these are rites of passage for our times in a sense, or that we are all looking for some way of rebelling. i just think they look cool.. lol

swinging a bat
i think i may have done something stupid. do i regret it? no. well at least not yet. but why did i do it? i'm not sure to tell you the truth. did it accomplish anything? maybe. maybe i just needed to get it off my chest. maybe its because i would have wanted to know..even if it didn't matter. let's just hope it doesn't ruin everything.
sometimes i think i'm too irrational. i do things spur of the moment...thinking hurriedly about the possible outcomes (yes i still try and think of what may happen, i am ang afterall). i'm begining to think that maybe this is just how i work. this is just how i get things accomplished. it's weird feeling my heart poiunding, my head getting light with all the thoughts rushing through it at once. i dont thinki was ever one to think on my feet too well. i was always too calculating...too reasonable.

trippin around downtown...throw me a crumb, throw me a bone
i stumbled upon an interesting blog today. stumbled as in i was bored and kept on clicking on people's links until i found it and interesting meaning that it was the blog of someone i knew. i knew this blog existed, i had seen it before. but it wasnt until i found it again that i remembered. in many ways he is still the boy i had the huge crush on in elementary school. same sarcastic wit; same not so hidden nerdiness; and through the pictures posted, even the same eyes that had taken my breath away all those years ago. he has a girlfriend now. someone i also know. someone i and all those around me would never have put together. they look so happy. it's nice to know what is going on. to know that his little brother and parents are okay. to know that he still lives in the neighbourhood. i haven't really spoken to him since grade school-the year he found out an awkward little asian girl a year younger than him had a crush on him. i dont count polite conversation made in school or the occasional question here or there. i don't think we ever grew out of that oh my gosh that girl likes me phase. it always stuck.

enfermo y se canso de ello
a week into summer break and its already happening. it feels as though i am already losing touch. i know it is only temporary until this whole rush subsides, but it is an odd feeling having someone who was once there almost everyday in some form suddenly not.
i am getting old. the girl that one could barely keep at home no matter what circumstance is begining to die. i want to just lie around...read...sip lemonade. a total 180 from someone who was willing to get up early and take the bus just so she wouldnt have to be home.
i want to quit. i really do. it sucks when you work with someone who knows you outside of school. that whole guilt thing comes in. damn guilt. honestly, its not the job itself, its the people, the situations. i hate it. two more months ang two more months.

it is weird touching my head. it doesn't feel like it is mine. i went to scratch it and got creeped out by the unfamiliarity.

maybe it's fun in the crazy bin
i'm reading white oleander (finally). this book has been sitting on my bookshelf for months beckoning me. i'm understanding what i'm reading.. and enjoying it, but im kinda lost in between chapters.. like how did i actually get to the point i am now? i understand what is going on.. but how did i get here?... kinda like my own life sometimes really.. hmmm

i know this serves as no real explanation, and if i ever get the guts to tell you in person maybe i will, but until that day (which i have a feeling wont ever happen) this will have to suffice. i'm not sure why i'm doing this because you don't read this and well even if you did quite frankly i dont think you would even know its about you, but it has become something more for me; sort of my own closure and my own little attempt at just not leaving it the way it looks like i am. i do have reasons-even if this blog is my only witness.
i know the change was drastic and sudden, but it is only because i started to realize some things. i began to see that what i thought was significant wasn't...that what i thought meant one thing meant another...that i wasnt the only one...that maybe this is just how you work. i don't compete...i'm not a natural born 'athlete' and quite frankly i have never won in these kind of competitions. i dont want to have to be worried. i am not a jealous person, i couldn't care less sometimes, but i think i was begining to turn into one. i want to let you know that everything that has happened did have something behind it. nothing i did was simply because... i want to think that at least at times it went both ways. but i can't be sure. i value our friendship too much to throw it away because of something i consider right now a un-thoughtout(for lack of a better word.. or for lack of a real word) decision. i want to but i cant. i've been in this position before and i don't like it. i stand here confused, lost, and yes even a little heartbroken. unlike before, this time i'm protecting myself.