A friend said that to me yesterday. She said it felt like this was the beginning of the end for our little group of friends. We were getting old, moving on with our own separate lives. The dynamics of the group has changed. I thought it was funny that she noticed it too, despite being away for school. I could feel it happening for months now. I felt it mainly because I was in many way in the centre of it. I predicted that one person in particular would soon be out of my life. Partly because of things out of our control...partly because I don't agree...partly because I want it to be so.
This should be interesting and truly heartbreaking.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
anopheles
I have a problem. A stupid, but nevertheless a nagging and annoying problem.
Every time I want to hang out with my friends, the threat of the ex is there.
Most people break up with their boyfriends and can just avoid them. Yes, there is the chance that somewhere at a mutual friend's birthday they will meet up again. But I face my ex every other week. He is that annoying storm cloud that follows me. And even though it doesn't always rain, the threat is there, it's shadow looms. It ruins your day with the chance.
I think it is actually hampering my healing. Everytime he interrupts my life whether by being with my friends while I can't or actually being in my presence, I can feel all the anger and hurt well up again. I don't have time for it to just go away. I don't like the ups and down. The normal- normal - normal then boom oh yeah my ex boyfriend broke my heart. A cycle that occurs at least every other week. Most people can just go on with their lives and then have the awkward encounters a year later. Not me. I can't just ignore it since it's too big and too persistant to just simply look over. He's too involved. It is just something I have to adjust and get used to. I have no choice.
It's not only the fact that he's there... it's that he's there with his girlfriend...and that even when he's not there, there's always the threat of him there so he may as well have just come anyways....and the fact that he is seeming to make such an effort to see these friends now. How many friends' birthdays have we opted out not to go to since it was too expensive or too out of the way? How many times has he just tagged along because I was already out? Ugh it's so frustrating. Why does he dump all of his pre-relationship freinds despite my insisting that he should hang out with them? And why does he then try harder with the ones we have in common?
I have started a stage of avoidance. I just don't put myself there anymore. I hang out with the friends that we don't share.
It is unfair that I have to choose between mutal friends and my comfort. It's unfair that from day one, I had to deal with seeing him and her in my face all the time. It's unfair that she's infiltrating.
I want to burn everything and start over again.
Every time I want to hang out with my friends, the threat of the ex is there.
Most people break up with their boyfriends and can just avoid them. Yes, there is the chance that somewhere at a mutual friend's birthday they will meet up again. But I face my ex every other week. He is that annoying storm cloud that follows me. And even though it doesn't always rain, the threat is there, it's shadow looms. It ruins your day with the chance.
I think it is actually hampering my healing. Everytime he interrupts my life whether by being with my friends while I can't or actually being in my presence, I can feel all the anger and hurt well up again. I don't have time for it to just go away. I don't like the ups and down. The normal- normal - normal then boom oh yeah my ex boyfriend broke my heart. A cycle that occurs at least every other week. Most people can just go on with their lives and then have the awkward encounters a year later. Not me. I can't just ignore it since it's too big and too persistant to just simply look over. He's too involved. It is just something I have to adjust and get used to. I have no choice.
It's not only the fact that he's there... it's that he's there with his girlfriend...and that even when he's not there, there's always the threat of him there so he may as well have just come anyways....and the fact that he is seeming to make such an effort to see these friends now. How many friends' birthdays have we opted out not to go to since it was too expensive or too out of the way? How many times has he just tagged along because I was already out? Ugh it's so frustrating. Why does he dump all of his pre-relationship freinds despite my insisting that he should hang out with them? And why does he then try harder with the ones we have in common?
I have started a stage of avoidance. I just don't put myself there anymore. I hang out with the friends that we don't share.
It is unfair that I have to choose between mutal friends and my comfort. It's unfair that from day one, I had to deal with seeing him and her in my face all the time. It's unfair that she's infiltrating.
I want to burn everything and start over again.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
TFC #8
Sometimes it just takes a soccer game, a couple of beers, and a good friend from the past to give you a little perspective on things. I deserve better.
