i have convinced myself that if i find these specific heat capacities and do the caloric value calculations, i will get the nobel prize equivalent award for my chem isp.. or at least a really really good mark. but alas, even after signing up for a 7 day free trial for this stupid crc index thingy and searching it, i cannot find it for my fuels.. this book has like a million pages and none of them respond to the search "gasoline"

does anyone know where i can find the specific heat capacity of things such as petroleum diesel, gasoline, natural gas, ethanol, or biodiesel?
i know its kinda weird, cause it would depend on the make up of the fuel, but i just need any old example.

grumble grumble
i hate chem. i hate my isp... okay no i dont, its not that bad actually, just a pain in the butt

oh yeah if you ever talk to you know who, the roof thing never happened.. i want to go up again, so dont tell him i blabbed.. lol

smells like sam
sam, if you were wondering my i was smiling and pointing to my law test on thursday it was because it reminded me of you. it was a case studies test. scenario 1: Darlene gets a job at the neighbourhood garden centre. Darlene is a great worker and gets great comments on her reviews. Suddenly owner of nursery starts to tell Darlene she is pretty and begins to lean in close. Darlene is creeped out but dismisses it. Owner of nursery begins to complain to Darlene about how his marriage is falling apart at home and that he needs to find "satisfaction" somewhere else (and yes, the test did use satisfaction). Darlene tries to avoid owner, but nevertheless, he still comes over and asks her to kiss him, and tries to make her come home with him to make babies. As i read it, i pictured you and johnny.. lol very creepy for you yes, but mildly amusing for me. my verdict? Yes, according to the Ontario human rights code, your rights have been violated.. lol

i love it when the weekends are equally as long as the weekdays. it should always be like this.

ahhh.. its almost 5 and im still in comm, sucking in the fumes... it smells kinda like roasted chestnuts and paint. but together. i hope my yacqueline didnt leave me.. mooshu, where are you?... i just realized that i told jeanette on tuesday that i was gonna take the bus with her afterschool today too woodside.. oops.. i hope she forgot too..

ahhhhhh.. im waiting for jaxs.. waiting for jaxs.. where is she???? its like 430.. comm smells like paint from the art show.. when is it anyways???
had an afterschool adventure with a friend.. hehehee our little secret.. went up to the roof.. its soo cool!! felt like nancy drew. i was convinced we were gonna get caught by a janitor or somehting.. or we would get locked out. we tried to get back into the school, but the janitor was right next tot he door wehn we opened it, luckily facing the other way.. we ran like we've never ran before! it was weird.. he knew all the rooms and everything to get there.. i was quite impressed. i asked him how many other girls he tried to bring up there..

i hate the fact that whenever we get into a fight, im always the one who breaks down. i hate the fact that people have such an effect on me. I hate the fact that even at 17, whenever i feel confrontation or an arguement coming on, i can feel my throat tighten and tears begin to well in my eyes...even while merely debating. i dont tell people much about a lot of things in my life, but i think i should. im beginning to feel it's just being pushed and molded to form a big ball of resentment and frustration, because i dont tell anyone, and at times, not even my diary knows the truth. i never tell people the things that happen that make me swear under my breath, or the times when i was tempted to get out of the car while its stopped at a red just so i wouldnt have to hear or be among the tension anymore, or the things that finally brought me to tears. sometimes they just seem too personal.
it surprised me when gillis asked me if i was alright today. i did feel really crappy but i didnt think anyone had noticed. actually, i hoped no one noticed cause i didnt want to share. i'm one of those people who, if i ever needed psychological help or rehab, wouldn't voluntarily ask for it. i would go on and pretend everything is okay. not the best system i know, which is why i will feel i should talk about things that bother me more, no matter how embarrassing it may be, cause in the end, i will be better for it.

i'm probably the only kid that has ever TOLD her parents to get a divorce. it wasnt in the heat of an arguement either, and after saying it numerous times throughout the years, i still hold this sentiment today. My family hasn't been functioning since at least grade 4. i know for a fact that they would have divorced right then and there if it wasn't for me and my brother being so little and financially, at the time, it wasn't a smart decision. So thats how my house has been running since then. Like a business. Actually worst than a business - a failing, crumpling, bankrupt, burning business. It a business where, if one parent doesn't come home on time, we don't know whether it's because they're working late, out with friends, or missing and somewhere in a dark alleyway. Its where my father has declared, a few days after my grade 8 graduation that he 'doesn't want to take responsibility over me anymore' and that any decisions on where i go, what i do, has to be passed with my mom, not him because i'm not the daughter he expected me to be and didnt treat him like the father he expected to be treated as. Its a family where no one says goodmorning or goodnight and then yells at you for it 5 years later, when they didnt make the effort either. This is where my parents get mad at eachother for stupid things like whether the lid to soup cans should be thrown out for recycling or not, and not argueing with eachother, but instead, bitch and yell at me and my brother for something we were not involved in. and then having one yell at us when we do leave the lid for recycling and the other yell at us, when we dont. This is a family that functions on memos. Whenever things arise that need to be discussed, we dont have actual conversations, we have two parents relaying messages through either me or my brother or writing long, instruction filled letters with the documents mentioned in it, and leaaving them on a table. And now because of something so ordinary like a misunderstanding over time, and an arguement that my parents had over it, i now have to submit a WRITTEN request to my father 24 hours before i need to be picked up from work.
i know im still very lucky, but it just bothers me because it really didnt have to be like this.
.. just let this post sit.. i rather you not comment or say anything about it.. its my rant, and im glad i was allowed to just get it out.

went to get my phone fixed... apparently all prepaid telus people have messed up phones and needed to bring them in. i dont think he really did anything.. it looked like all he did was put it under his counter thing and told me to wait 5 minutes..
chem lab report is pretty much done.
when i get home tomrrow (which will be right after school due to self-groundation) i will footnote it and start on my essay..
i need more days of school this week running out of time!!

im done eight.. i guess its time for a break.. lookie me im truckin

the questions
im doing my chem lab report. i wrote down 20 questions to answer as part of my discussion portion. after these 20 questions everything there is to know about biodiesel will be explained. im done answering four questions. 16 left to go. will keep you updated

having a simply marvellous day
today was great. really nothing special about it, but i guess you could just say it was filled with good vibes or something. yes. didnt do anything workwise, but instead had good conversation, good company. also found out skillicorn is liking the way my lab writeup is going, which is reassuring.. and finally spoke to ms. chong.. an actual conversation almost.. she's not so scary afterall. also found out today that if i insult galang, he doesnt insult me back.. hehehe.. good to know.

i;ve realized that i'm really needy. more needy than i want to be. i need attention. i need my work to be recognized at times. why is it that even when someone says the slightest positive thing about me, i get this big ego boost? i need a confirmation of my skills and talents. is it because i never got any when i was a young child and am now trying to make up for that void? i remember about 5 years ago. my father told me of how he was proud of me and it brought me to tears..and even now as i think of it, i can feel my eyes watering. its not that he said it beautifully or eloquently or anything, its just that i had been waiting so long to hear it and did not even know it. Praise was not something freely given in my house. if you did something stupid, you were yelled at, if you did something good, you weren't. thats just the way things were. i would see tv shows like full house where the kids would be told how much they were loved and where parents said 'thank you' and 'good job' and 'that's great to hear'. It's not that i was never supported. i was, just not in the same way. my support was non-verbal. more like 'well i'm letting you do it so isnt that in itself support enough?". i remember seeing my mom helping my brother with his homework and suddenly feeling this intense sense of jealousy. she never helped me with mine, i thought....she never offerend to help pick out my courses...she never took a half hour out of her day to teach me how to do the laundry... she never helped when i decided to rearrange my bedroom... i guess because i was generally the self-sufficient kid, i never really needed to have her do those things. but at the same time, i felt neglected because she gave more of her attention and energy to my brother. in retrospect, i know she did that because she knew i was going to be okay.. and i guess ive accepted it. but at times i think she forgets that i still really do need her. yes im 17 and yes, i would normally be moving out on my own in 5 months.but i still need to be babied. i still need to be able to do stupid things and know someone is there to pick up the pieces in the end and not running after my brother to pick up his.

you think that as you mature and get older, little things like rumours and gossip are a thing of the past (or at least have declined), and that as adults, are in fact too mature to be keeping secrets and holding grudges. But the fact is, as you grow older, things just seem more complicated. there seems to be some sort of 'politics' in everything. certain friends can't hang out with your other friends cause something is going on between the two. you get selective about who gets to share in the 'news' you have just obtained. you begin to manipulate people just enough so that you get what you want, without them seeing that you really have no desire in being their friend, but must fake this sense of mutual respect just for the sake of it. you may have no confidence in their abilities, or as a person at times in fact, but you still have to sit up and smile. I've experienced first hand (sorta) and as an outsider looking in, how dare i say 'corrupt' the world, more specifically the working world has been. You would be surprised at how many things are being said about other people, without you even knowing it. as an adult, you would have to be more careful about it too, seeing as how the people you bad mouth are your colleagues and bosses. And the fact is, is that oppertunities and whatnot are being taken away from you because of these other people. You just dont know it.

DISTURBING EVENTS
- realizing i have gigantor thighs (okay maybe not realizing, but confirmation of). not in proportion at all with body
- seeing simon measure his waist with the pink measuring tape so enthusiastically
- seeing simon's bare torso as he tried to measure his waist with the pink measuring tape (lol)
- the fact that i sat on the flea-bitten couches in comm and have convinced myself that they are the cause of my itching.
- realizing my chem midterm is coming
- finding out mr emer has a good possibility of coming on queens trip
- finding out im alone in my queens room tuesday night and wednesday day.. someone join me??
- seeing mr. g drawn out in cartoon form. yikes

its friday night, and although this is sad, im proud of myself for staying in and actually doing homework. my self groundationis begining to work. i see lots of units getting doe.. well maybe not lots but enough. yay me

no more blogging for a while.. in fact no more computer for a while.. must get work done

Things I ate this week that tasted like Chemicals
-President's Choice carbonated cranberry juice
-Pillsbury Crescent rolls (why not just lick some insecticides?)
-Pillsbury valentine's day snoopy cookies (you know, the ones that come in a log for you to cut?)
-Michaelina's Taco Bites
-Diet Coke with lemon (the one where the company puts in the lemon for you)

by the way, these are things is think about while trying to avoid chem

i have this norton internet security thing and its supposed to block 'internet attacks' whatever those are. but really, is it really doing that? every few hours there will suddenly be a flashing red dot with a white exclamation mark on it flashing on the norton icon.. i click it (cause after all, it is flashing) and it tells me that there has been a recent attack by some sub zero trojan horse thing. i'm begining to think that this progam makes up attacks to tell the people who stupidly bought it that it does indeed work. i didnt have this thing before.. its not like my computer exploded. so how bad can these attacks be? unless they are really bad and im the only one protected .. mwahahahahhaha

ahh!!! sam we need to work on chem.. i still dont understand that whole concentration graph thingy

i've realized, after getting halfway through bridget jone's diary that all girls.. have fuckwittages in their life. even if you dont think so.. i look around and all my friends.. most of them have their own fuckwits and some of them at times, prolly myself included are fuckwits. its this asshole part of us that rears its ugly head once in a while. its interesting how we;ve just come to accept some people as the idiots that they are, when really, it should be totally unacceptable and we should stone them until there is nothing left to stone. its so dangerous nowadays when a simple hug, linked arms, or peck on the cheek, and for some a make-out session means nothing to us anymore, (whereas a couple of years ago we would;ve probably gone to a corner and giggled). so many things are misinterpreted... so many things are blindly done. So many people put up a front.

ps. thanks jeff for dessert

on the danforth
petrina, jeff and i have consumed so much ice cream and cake that collectively, our calories could have kept the children of a small third world country alive for a week. I feel fat.. like a extra human has attached itself to me and will not let go. (i am still awake right now cause i refuse to go to sleep and let the ice cream sit in my stomach not moving.. and i am standing right now cause fat cows like me dont deserve to sit) but it was fun.. and interesting.. hahahaha. got back from downtown and had a little time, so ang got in and drove petrina's car around her area....seeing how ang's stupid broken down car has a 14 year old handbrake thats never been used, i might have to take my test in hers? Dont they declare your car unfit to drive if the handbrake doesn't work? Well, im gonna test it out monday.. hopefully it wont work, but it'll just seem like it is.. then i can fool the test people.. or how about i say its broken and that we're getting it fixed like the next day (and then not really do it?) hmm. well petrina's car is all new and all sensitive.. im literally just tapping the stupid brakes andit brakes! whereas my car, i practically have to floor the thing.. and thanks to jeff, im all self contious about my right turns now

march break is almost over and today has been the first day dedicated solely to homework. i didnt do a very good job.
for some reason or another i couldnt sleep last night. a lot of nervous energy? i felt tired. i was tired, but couldnt get body to sleep. woke up about 5 times in the middle of the night. even at 6:15 and felt as though i could run a marathon but stayed in bed to eventually doze off again anyways. i got up finally, with a headache. shit
i kinda finished english.. i kinda finished math... im depressed that theyre only 'kinda' finished
i feel fat (like how that came outta no where?)

$3.00 minimum per customer
so i actually woke up and had breakfast with jeanette and jaxs. heheh we were there with a bunch of old people and mothers with their children. we looked at newly developed pictures from jaxs' party (4 rolls x three sets for 2.88 what a deal. lol) and had a good laugh and cry about our disgustingness. i drove jeanette to breakfast like a date.. too bad my mom was there in the front passenger seat.. damn this g1. what if the driving people arent off strike by the time my test comes.. oh please stop striking.. oh please get a good deal and be happy and well rested and more willing than ever to pass me. picked up anthony and went to value village and was tempeted to have a flashback of the 80s contest but didnt cause we didnt want to get in trouble. went bowling and rediscovered how mucho i sucko. but at least i didnt get bowling injuries like jaxs.. who's sportier now huh? then ice cream at fairview.. i wish i had a cool live-in cousin my age who i grew up with and can spend my free time with. they have an amazing relationsip.. im jealous
yesterday had great 'girl day' with nicki. missed our subway stop like three times not because of stupidity, but because of our constant talking and ended up getting off at spadina and walking down. i remember this distinct smell from when i was a little kid whenever i went to chinatown. Although its cleaned up now, the smell is still there and after all these years i still remeber it. the sour, acidic odour that always looms in the air. like rotting food and pee. we also passed by the homocide that was on the news yesterday.. on part of the u of t campus.. which i realized is really big, and makes me want to go there more and live downtown.

i peeled myself off of bed at a quarter to eleven and went driving with my mom. it wasn't the most stress-free afternoon but it went okay. i cant parallel park, or back end park. and i havent even tried a three point turn. my mom's car has a hand brake which she never uses and is scared that it has rusted through. i forget to check my blind spot, which will ultimatly lead to dangerous lane changing, but other than that.. i can pretty much drive..lol
tomrrow's plan: pick up nicola with my newfound driving skills and take ttc downtown for our long overdue date. come back uptown and go visit jeanette with jaxs?
sam, hope you and your mouth are doing fine.

just realized that this whole weekend, i've seen my family for a total of like 3 hours. hehehe i like it this way.

it was a simple night.. but it made me feel grown-up-ish. after work, petrina picked me up and we went to get a movie and a pizza. we got shrek.. not the most mature movie of them all, but none of us has seen it and well.. it was good anyways. Real girls night in.. pizza, movie, popcorn and ice cream. Then jeff came and annoyed the hell out of us. but thats okay.. he drove me home.. ARM!!

ossington and queen
so yeah i havent been here for a while. so heres an update:
thursday i decided to throw my studious-ness to the side and go downtown with petrina to see that movie. it was really interesting.. even though petrina was worried i wouldnt like it. it was my grade eight gifted isp in a movie.
friday was ewa's party, which i decided not to attend. i just wanted to be alone that night.. not up to dealing with people. apparently lis flipped out and im glad i wasnt there cause she would have been left murdered on the side of the road. i stayed at home and ate and watched movies on tmn. anna and the king, get over it, and gone in 60 seconds.. i was supposed to watch the mexican, but i guess that didn't happen..dammit missed brad pitt... it was a good 'me' day, well night to start off the march break.
right now waiting for curry...mmm curry.. vanessa is cooking it and currifying the house. hehehehe i like it when jaxs' parents are gone.. why wont mine ever leave?

my ear is itchy
i stole the info book from ta and highlighted every possible course i would ever even think of taking. Its so confusing. someone please explain that big chart for me please. i thought that if it wasnt indicated on the chart, then it wouldnt be at that university. but i know for a fact that some universities have a course but dont have it down. cause then some courses would only be offered at one university in all of ontario.
anyways, i was also reading this free magazine i got for being a shoppers optimum card user that said you should drink a cup of water for every calorie you eat. um.. an average person consumes like 2300 caloires a day. really, i dont think i can drink that much water. thats 575 litres. im assuming that i read it wrong.. but i swear thats what it said.

im tired.. its only tuesday.. i hate school.. really, did i do anything today??
i got a date with jaxs.. heheh to the library.. arent we cool
but at least im starting to get work done..
should i go with petrina on thursday>?? really its not so good for my education.. but i kinda wanna see it

mango tango.. mmmmm
I'm so upset.. churchie's leaving... i hate you! geez.. all of our good teachers are leaving.. and im sure the younger teachers are good too.. but as galang and i were discussing, they dont have the experience to make them truly good teachers. teachers have to be aged like a fine wine. older teachers have taught for a bajillion years and therefore better understand how people's brain's work.. you could be the smartest person in the world, but if you aren't able to relay your knowledge to students, what good are you as a teacher? good teachers know how to teach and they make students understand. i know its a wicked oppertunity and all.. i know that he's probably now making more money and he'll probably even be happier.. but dammit i'm a selfish bitch and want him to stay so that we can continue our talks and that he can continue to help me understand myself and my complicated head. i want him to stay so that we can go to queens just like he used to.. i want him to stay to teach me ap bio.. i want to just know that he's around. i feel stupid cause im actually tearing.. geez.
anyways.. lana and racs and i went to jaxs' house to wait for the carpet cleaner so that she wouldnt be alone and get raped. i had to leave for an ortho appointment but apparently the cleaners knew that it was a big drunken party cause why else would there be barf on the carpet? so they needed an adult's signature and asked the three of them if any of them were 18.. hahaha which they weren't!! so they tried to call sam, who couldnt come for another 20 minutes. The cleaners gave up and went ahead witht he cleaning anyways, laughing caus ethey knew it was some underage drinking thing.. hehehe they seemed cool. and on their way out, they accidentally hit the garbage bags and heard the bottles inside clink and said 'oh theres the evidence'
then we went to some chinese restaurant.., yes thats right,, i volentarily ate chinese food and paid for it!! hehehe i havent had it in a while so anyways.. so we pay and we;re ready to leave. the bill came to $31.94 before alana's take-out and we left and even 40 dollars on the table, $34 for the meal without take-out. so we're leaving and racs stops at the door and starts thinking about the tip.. i realize that 15% of $30 is $4.50 and we didnt even leave half of that.. i tell racs and everyone to run!! we had only left them $2.06 tip!! for a 32 dollar meal!! hahaha we calculated it and it was only 6%.. we saw the waitresses through the window as we left, staring at our bill in one hand and holding our money in the other.
then off to see sexy sam in her lick's uniform with her oh so cool manager.

im so tired.. and there's a mild throbbing at the back of my brain. but other than that im dandy. it was fun so fun.. except for the projectile vomitting!! hahaha.. i cant believe it was her. i remeber me and jaxs worrying about who would throw up.. never thought it would turn out that way huh baby?? i wanna get my pictures developed.. hhehehe now must pry open my eyes and try to paste together an agenda for tomrrows sac meeting and then try to read some chemisty

weird how now that im soberer.. all i can think about is course selections?? talk about ruining the fun!!!

oh if anyoneis wondering, who j is...its jeanette.. i didnt write allthat garbage about east side

So most of the people have left, only those who are sleeping over now... its been interesting. it's been fun for sure.. but at the same time, its made me look at certain people differently-in both good and bad ways. I got to know different sides.. and some i really appreciate. I have good people around me that really care about eachother.. even if they arent the closest of friends. but there were also those who didnt seem to give a shit..people i need to get rid of.. well its not like they were really in it in the first place.. mainly mingling. It was a good mix of people... people from all different 'groups' people who would have normally never partied together. Chua and Mark..you are my princesses even though you probably dont read this thing, it needs to be said. Im sure she appreciates it.

hey, hey!!!!!! waddup!!!!!!!!it's j here yo! that's tight. east side. yea, yea, represent!!! bops!!!! so what da dillyo!!!! whatcha'll sayin' out there!!!! peace!!!!!

PARRRTY!!
its here! the day is here! hahah woke up really early to go get everything with jaxs.. came back for lunch.. im excited.

IT"S TOMRROW!!!!!! YAHOO!!