unloading

-there's a new dynamic. and again, i feel like that kid in elementary school, looking at all the other girls playing double dutch and just getting confused and dizzy by the swinging ropes...and i still cant figure out how to jump in.

-and although it was a short weekend with me constantly thinking oh man orgo exam sat and another exam and test thursday...it was a needed break...with familliar home faces. i had a blast and breakfast and such was great. thank you for coming. i just wish i had more time to spend with you...we could have actually done somethign the night you came in and sat during the day...

- i was really drunk saturday...but something tells me that maybe i should have been drunker.

-sean at my house twice within the last month is kinda weird..lol

-matty is never gonna get his butt here to start our little exercise regime at this rate. lol

- it's hard to continuously feel sad about something when it feels as though more and more that i'm the one being blamed. and i know they'll never say it outright that hey it's my fault and instead say thats just how life changes, but its always about how things have changed around me. it's never weird when its the three of them, only when its the four of us....so the only logical conclusion would be....yup.
so what if i am the one to blame..
we all know things are different. and i know its just venting and whatnot and i'm by no means telling anyone to stop, but its kinda hard getting how ive failed thrown in my face all the time even though it's meant as a 'hey this is life'. cause no matter how much a part of life this is, it's still me reading about how i was somehow a disappointment. and i really dont feel like dealing with that.
i guess the above doesn't apply to the same degree for everyone. im kinda lumping i know. and really, i am thankful for the talks and explosion extinguishing during this whole thing...but there's just still something about the whole mess.....maybe its just a general thing.
and in truth, all the sadness that i still have concerning this whole issue, is slowly hardening into resentment and im not even sure why.

-i miss china fish...yeah i know, random thought...but im just craving for a nice steamed fish with lotsa green onion and ginger and soya sauce. mmm sauce.

-i hate how this whole thing is affecting me. im tired of feeling like shit. i need a mini break from it. time to rearrange my weekend...or at least what i thought my weekend would be.

-lab tuesday, lab wednesday, lab and 10% test for bio thursday and 40% micro midterm thursday as well.. it doesnt help that a pass to stay in my program is 70% now....is that heartburn i feel? lol

a dozen

there's a whole new level of excitement that comes about when there's a delivery man at the door you. suddenly you don't care that your computer just exploded yesterday night, or that you just came out of the shower and your hair is wet, or that you just threw on any old pants so you could run down the stairs. there's this big smile as you try to tear open the box as quickly as you can without actually breaking it. there's the indescribable feeling you get when you finally read the card.

and sometimes something frivolous and unexpected is just the thing you are in need of and not even know it. it wasnt an anniversary, or a birthday, or anything at all - it was just because. and because it was for no particular reason at all, or perhaps because you knew i was gonna be having a rough couple of weeks, it made the surprise all the better. thank you for the roses. :)they're beautiful...

playing dress up

why oh WHY did i sleep in again? doesn't my body know i have exams and need to be up and studying; not unconscious and drooling? hmph. its strange and scary how out of all my courses, i'm the least afraid for the orgo exam. dum dum dum

and now the bajillion of people who were supposed to be coming next week aren't. i studied on a saturday night for you!!! well in preparation for you anyways. but at the same time, maybe this is the Big Guy Upstairs saying, "ang.. study, stupid". I thought it was a do-able weekend. lol So i figure whatever happens, happens.

I finally finished the wrap that's been sitting in the fridge. If i die of some sort of stomach explosion or food poisoning, please let the world know that fully made wraps (with mayo) should be consumed before they are two days old. Shut up I was really hungry and really lazy. And besides, it smelled and tasted fine to me.

Speaking of our fridge...student living has just gotten a little more ghetto. to accompany our freezer avalanches, the bulb in our refridgerator no longer works. one would think that it was just a burnt out bulb, and in theory it was, but when we put in another bulb, it still didn't work. do refrigerators have some sort of special bulb we don't know about? Needlesstosay, now when we open our fridge for food, it's like exploring and scavenging through a cave. It's like you need one of those hard hats (like them coal miners wear) just to use it, with signs saying, "beware of falling frozen food" and warnign you about visibility conditions when searching for the margarine. I feel like i should be grunting and snorting and yellling "ooh food" in a caveman, er.. cavewoman-esque way while pulling out a large chicken leg. too bad there aren't any large chicken legs (mmmm chicken), and a tree of broccolli will have to suffice. hmm what doyou call that head of brocolli anyways? a bunch? but what if it's only one stem? bouquet? haha i like that one, that's what it is now. ..a bouquet of broccolli.

i made double chocolate muffins at like 12 last night. they were good, especially right out of the oven. how marth stewart of me. k, not really cuase they came out of a package. how pseudomartha stewart of me.

gobble gobble gobble

i know it's a little late to be doing this, but i never really felt like writing til now...and mostly only because this isn't microbio. this is what i'm thankful for:
-for friends like you who don't mind a little off-tune, raspy-voiced, accompanied by bouts of coughing singing that i do while in the car on our journey home.
-for you, who had thanksgiving dinner at swiss chalet with me cause we both have a non-existant family. i know it wasn't the turkey we were craving for, but the night couldn't have been more satisfying.
-for the person who is still patiently there, despite all the things i do that one would think would drive any sane person away. no matter how big the freak outs or how much i try to push you away (whether it be subconsciously or not), you're still there at the end of the day...and surprisingly, wanting to be there. thank you for putting up with me.
-for the girls who are willing to haul ass downtown so that there can be a little bit of the seeing, the lunching, and the shopping. only with you guys would there be arm injuries from the uber amounts of clothes, random polaroid taking, wishing/pretending we had a bajillion things for a few minutes because we couldnt afford them, and explainations as to why you shouldnt by things just because they're cheap...oh man that ugly skirt..lol haha and that just remnded me of "oh excuse me, i have chicken"
-wing night. one of the highlights of the weekend.
-all the middle aged women/moms who all weekend kept on insisting i lost weight. it was a nice little body boost, especially after gaining those few pounds last year in rez and never really losing it over the summer. Damn you rez food, beer, and cheap mcdeals *shakes fists in air* my mom however, still begs to differ.
-for my parents...who although are the cause of many of the struggles, but who also seem to try...well once in a while. hmm so maybe i'm thankful for their trying.

on another note...
while everyone is getting jobs up there in toronto...i am still unemployed. had an interview with jacob, but they were hiring christmas staff and needed me there for boxing day. and although since im having my teeth gouged out of my mouth this year and am not going to montreal, and thus will have another non-existant christmas, the thought of driving down here christmas day just so i can work isn't too appealing at all. so i stopped the interview, told her thanks for her time, but that there was no point in continuing with it, just bccause i cant work boxing day and well i cant work half of christmas break even if i wanted to. and the thought of having to wear dressy clothes to school jus because i have a shift after at work? bleeeck. dresspants and winter salt dont mix.

phlem, or something like it

the sickness has started to subside. and im vaseline-ing my nose as a preventative measure against the kleenex chappies. i swear i have NO immune system! what the hell. i blame it on the week that i actually went out to run. physical activity never did anyone any good. you know when you work out, you're actually killing and tearing all your muscles and its the rebuilding of these tissues that make you stronger? i think my body is too lazy to actually do any of this 'rebuilding' and has decided to leave me broken. and i am covinced that while i was hunched over trying to breathe and not die during these runs (if you can even call it that, probably more like run/walks), some sort of evil-doing organism made a home in my throat or nasal passage.

for a while i was also convinced that i had somehow infected myself with one of those many microbes we've been handling in my microbio labs. but after a bit of thought, i realized these are not the symptoms of watered down E. coli or that one that sounds like pneumonia (haha yes, i am obviously learning lots. it is quite clear that the 5 thousand dollars as not gone to waste). hmm i wonder if i could sue... haha yes i would be like one of those stupid people who spills coffee on themselves and then says it wasnt their fault for getting burned because the coffee was too hot. really now...who blames their own stupidity on others? you're a clumbsy rhino of a person. deal with it.

somewhere between a rock and a hard place [edited]

i'm kind of in this weird phase right now. not sure what it is. but things just dont seem right.

There are some things i feel as though i want to talk about but at the same time don't really feel like sharing. And it's not as though i dont have people who wont understand and who wont be there.. but its just weird and im thinking maybe they wont understand afterall...at least not in the way i need them to. things are difficult when people are too close.

so maybe sometimes i'm a bit more abbrasive than i realize. i make fun; im sarcastic; im bitchy...but its all in good fun. maybe im just too used to having people around me that already know that and are used to it. but at the same time another side of me is thinking...maybe it's them. maybe they are just too....you know. maybe that's why there are so many fights that i think are stupid. it's all about the.. you know.

so i admit, im a bit frustrated. and i know its just the way i so happened to grow up and whatnot but i totally dont get it when people dont know how to LIVE. don't get me wrong, i am certainly no pro...but i mean the basics, like laundry not hollandaise sauce. and its surprising how this is what's 'normal' too, cause i can name off like 10 people right now that would fit into this category. but god i would be soo pissed off at myself as a parent if i sent my kid out into the world and didnt teach them how to wipe their own ass.

there's something off about that boy...oh man...it'll be interesting to see where i am in, oh i dont know, a year or so.

it would have been nice if he had enough balls to just straight up tell me. i dont care that it's broken, but i care that he's pretending he doesnt know. at first i wasn't bothered. i was going to let it slide. but i think it was that instant when he asked me if i knew what happened and was content with my answer of 'i'm not sure' and didnt say anything about it after. what was i supposed to say? yes i do know? maybe i was expecting too much, but i really thought he was going to offer an explaination or some sorts. and that's when i became really bothered by the whole situation because he KNOWS i technically dont know and he's cool with just keeping it a secret. and eventually he will hear about it.. but probably in some sort of drunken rage...and probably later than sooner. lol dishonesty by omission it t'was. and i know this may be just paranoid of me, but it makes me wonder what else. it's starting a bad precendent.

i joined what i like to call a nerd society. okay its some bio undergrad thing. but dammit it'll all be worth it once i have that nice internship within my reach. im member 240.. lol it's all about the networking baby.

dammit why is thre so much more work this year... arg. and i just foudn out my second semester chem course is going to make me cry....literally.

my tealights are pure liquid now. i guess that means time to blow them out.