at the finish line
as expected, i did only a fraction of the work i had convinced myself i would do over this break...and i might be in trouble because of it. we'll see by next weekend i guess when the three exams hit all at once. seeing everyone thursday night was great. drinks, friends, mardi gras beads..what more could a girl ask for? it was a new experience dancing with the boy cause ive never really done it before..well at least with a boy i wanted to dance with (eww sasquatch). too bad he's not around more often its different when you actually have someone there you know and not just the friends around you. all the things i am discovering now that i should have been experiencing years ago.
i got to see mostly everyone i wanted to even if it was just for a little while. from just lounging around eating chinese food and cake with amanda to sitting on a couch watching tlc with yoyo to seeing everyone eat a gross amount of wings to trying to bowl to last minute sleepovers to last night in town dinners to drunken nights to running around the halls of mary ward again to dinner with mommy to just sitting there staring at you...im greatful for every moment of it. and now i must go because i have somehow become disgustingly sick and i know its like a quarter to ten but im going to get ready for bed.

at odds
i feel as though i'm losing you. and a part of me feels helpless so i just watch. you seem to be spending a lot of time with her. but i want you alone and i know that may be a stupid thing to want, but i do. and it seems as though the whole week is planned and i dont want to spoil anything. but its hard to slip my way into things now. and i know its not like ive made the best efforts, but i dont wanna do some things and others...well it doesnt seem like im included anymore in things and yeah so i go somewhere else. its hard cause im stuck at home. its hard cause i dont want to ask certain people for certain things. it's hard cause no one stays put. it hard cause dammit i suck at this juggling thing. i dont even care that youre annoyed with him..cause right now i think youre annoyed at me.

its friday finally...
i wish i could care more.. but i really dont. i've missed three weeks of psych. and i should be studying like mad for this chemistry exam but ive given up. my head was on its own extended reading week a long time ago.

i hate that im so insecure with myself sometimes. i hate that every little thing turns into something big in my head...and knowing him he probably doesnt care. yes i am one of those stupid girls in the end..and i hate how everytime somethign little happens i just get more insecure.

changing the world 101
things i have noticed about university and would like to put an end to...
-office furniture moonlighting as home furniture: wooden armrests SUCK. apparently nothing not semi flame-retardent is allowed in rez. this means no sofa or love seat, no nothing you can take a nap on and not wake up needing a chiropractor basically.
-small cereal bowls for big university students: its quite a sight to see boys eating breakfast with 5 minature bowls in front of them full of cereal. the caf should know not to serve cereal in dishes that should really be used for dipping sauces.
-people dropping shit on the floor above you: when you're half asleep and your room is all dark and quiet it sounds as though the world is coming to an end and the building is going to implode on you.
-everything costing money: im poor..i want stuff... i want more free shit.
-doing laundry: i cant even begin to narrow down what exactly sucks about it but for somethign this basic in life, it takes too damn long and needs too much damn effort. it was once so easy.

i think thats all.. for now.

only several miles from the sun
this weekend consisted mainly of sitting on my ass in various positions (sometimes even lying down too) next to lindsay in front of the tv. superstation movie weekend...did we need a better excuse? needlesstosay all of the planned "work" that was supposed to be done, wasn't. now i have to pull myself from this lazy mindframe to finish this week off.
i can see the end of this week. you don't understand how i NEED this reading week. unfortunatly i will actually be doing some reason. grrr. but yeah stil a break nonetheless. a break from walking to school in hurricane-force winds and snow blowing in your face...a break from caf food, a break from my box.

11:16 am
i have managed to get my hair into a half decent ponytail. one where there aren't any chunks falling out of the elastic every time i move my head in either direction. it's some form of confirmation that it's growing. i feel like playing dress up. putting on clothes that aren't "me". i wanna feel that way you feel when you're 5 and clip-cloping around in your mom heel's, wearing one of her skirts pulled all the way up to your armpits because to you its a dress and with your play jewelery adorning every square inch of your body. for those moments you felt old, and chic, womanly, and important. you felt different. i love "me" but i still like the rush of exploring and finding who this "me" is. i wish it were as easy as dress up..lol

ladybug
there is a smile plastered on my face...
this feeling is all new and funny but i like it.

i am super-impressed. goodnight.

oreo cookies
i have hit that point where all i feel is that i have outgrown this relationship. that somewhere my maturity level took that one step towards a totally different direction, while yours just stayed back. i'm not saying i'm better or even that im at all mature-because im not. but we're just not on the same level anymore...maybe not even on the same route. your problems seem so petty to me. problems that really should not be problems. you blow things out of proportion. you exaggerate everything you say. it has come to point where i refuse to believe that that was how a certain situation occured because ive heard you retelling stories that i've been involved in, and i know the little things you add in to make your story that much better. i dont know if you consciously do this or whether this is what naturally happens in you head, but i think they are both a little messed up either way. i know we all have those times when it seems as though the little things are huge...but this is how you live your life, its not a once-in-a-while occurance and i cant deal with it all the time.

on a related note (kinda). ive decided that i am good with where i am now. and yes there are things i would change if it was a perfect world, but its not and im not. so yeah im just gonna bask in the present goodness. i think i have to learn how to just live in the now you know?

and the best part was when seth got hit upside the head
i know its just a tv show and it probably rots your insides away and melts your IQ down to nothing for a good 50 minutes but i am seriously addicted to this show like i have never been addicted to a show before... except for gilmore girls, before it started to suck. i mean so much drama...thats how life should be.. the drama in the box not outside it.. lol
oh fictional character seth how i do enjoy you.

fire from the dragon
so apparently i have my hopes up too high. the thing is, they weren't even high at all. i'll keep that in mind...thank you.

never quite there
it bugs me that it's still on my mind; that i haven't been able to shake it off. i hate it when there's something that you really shouldn't be thinking about, but you just can't help it. it preoccupies my time. it takes me away from people, from homework, from my own damn sanity. i can't seem to let things go. time to stop over-analysing ang...time to shut your brain up.

...from dean
i know how you feel but sometimes i think that maybe you shouldn't push it. i dont want anything done that isn't done just cause. i dont wanna keep on wondering where the ideas came from or even where the motivation came from. i figure if its gonna suck, then at least it sucks and i have reason you know? a part of me doesn't want people like you making things right because i know this is mean but i think they need to sweat...feel a little insecure when they actually realize ..or IF they actually realize. its okay leave it.. put it in a bubble and let it free.

scratching myself
-feeling a little better...about everything right now.
-i don't need you to whisk me away to exotic places, but sometimes i wish you would just whisk me away somewhere. even if it means to the corner store for popsicles.
-bitching about the suitemate in secret is kinda fun. hey if it stops me from throwing her stupid green plates at her head and making her eat her coke cans, how can it not be good right?
-we're not allowed pets here. but i hve nowhere to put the fish once i leave for reading week. do you think my resident advisor would mind taking care of my "inanimate objects" while i'm away?
-i think i am slowly getting a beer belly. soo not attractive. but yes i can drink those stupid things now. damn them and their cheapness luring me in and forcing me to make myself like them.
-i think that is it for now. i enjoy these lists. they get out what's in head with minimal effort. exactly what i need right now.

moo, storylines are opening up...and jesse is back.

modulation
the physics isn't looking so bad anymore. i don't curse at it or stare at it blankly wishing it would just go away as much as i used to. i think because i've realized that this course from hell has a purpose now. or maybe because algebra is giving me such a hard time, physics is nothing in comparison.
i think now that i've finally decided (actually maybe decided is too strong of a word) what im doing with myself and to tell you the truth i am a little excited. these courses just sudeenly got better once that goal came into sight i guess and a part of me knows its all gonna be over with soon. no more math or physics for me ever. just have to get through my clump of three midterms (friday night, saturday afternoon, saturday night) after reading week and i think i shouldnt be too bad. i must make myself try harder next year. they only let in 25 people for my program in 4th year. yikes.

PUNK'D....by a fish
so jackie walks into my room and we chat and then she goes "uh ang is your fish dead?" i turn around ready to tell her that they're probably just sleeping because they have done that...just floated around still. so i finish my pivot and sushi, the little fish is floating at the top not moving, and neither is ketchup. ketchup then starts to move, but sushi is still up at the top, motionless... i begin to freak. telling jaxs to wake them up. but to me, sushi is dead cause i have never seen him that still before, they;ve always woken up once i started to move or make noise again..and they've never slept up at the top like that. so im freakin outon my chair for a good minute. then sushi wakes up. oh man. i thought i would be able to just flush them..but judging from that freak out guess not.

how'd you like to be alone and drowning?
what everyone needs in life is that friend who's willing to risk everything just to tell you something that she thinks you should know. and i'm glad we are good enough that things like that can be said and let out and still be fine between us. i know you were only concerned and yes i do see it too. there will be no risk of me being one of those chicks that land themselves on the montel williams show spewing out profanity laden insults to the people who care about her most. i appreciate that you could get yourself to tell me tht cause it was honest and i know youre only looking out for me. its nice to know that you're there..seriously. because if i do go stupid, hopefully you'll tell me...just like we always said we would.

celery and carrot sticks
i almost forgot how great jacsen and i are. there's no one else that i can be a four year old with quite like him. from confusing the hell outta cris with our made up ghetto term to both simutaneously yelling out that dom delouise was the ugliest guy on earth..to poking fights which leave him with a booboo on his finger that he bandages and pretends as though it was an injury from my maiming of him. haha "ang tried to cut off my finger i swear". seeing jacsen dance up on guys just to get them away from us is great.. lol too bad he wasn't there the night sasquatch came out to play.


i know this is pretty evil and petty but i enjoy thinking up bad things to do to one of my suitemates. shes mute and not all that bad really. but she never washes the dishes or takes out the trash or does the recycling, which is 75% composed of her stupid coke cans/bottles. i mean its not even like you bothered to bring your own pot or pn fully knowing you were living suitestyle...she brings two dishes a cup and a cutlery set...and shes uses all our shit and doesn't wash them. the dishes we normally let pile up anyways. but its fucking annoying when i go to make soup with MY pot and i find it in the sink cause she used it and didnt wash it. and is it my fault she goes home every weekend? im not the one who told her to keep her job at home and i know for fact she doesnt work every weekend while shes there, and so its not my fault that we don't totally meld. you choose to be mute. and how many times have you been watching tv while ive been studying? screaming at your stupid scary movies. its not my damn fault you cant study with noise. get used to it, its a fuckin rez.

superbowl party downstairs tonight. im gonna learn about this football thing they like so much here once and for all. or maybe ill just go downstairs for the free food and come upstairs to do all the homework i was supposed to do this weekend like a good little girl.