dizzy

- i think the costs of actually living in this place is finally hitting me- now that the grocery, telephone, internet and utility bills have all started to come in. it seems as though there is something new to pay every other day. and it certainly doesnt help when i'm pretty sure i'm the only one actually paying for this stuff outta her own pocket. dammit i wish i could just fax a copy of the bill and have magic money fly to me.
- i am completely exhausted after all that. and even though it was contructive i guess you say, i dont really think that it did anything. i know there wasn't a lot of signs that things weren't right with me... but its hard to start talking about things when you can't talk with the person you usually tell things first to and who's usually there to tell you that you're not so crazy and out of line afterall.
- maybe i like being a loser at home in my pajamas. maybe i'm begining to find it annoying that i always feel somewhat obligated to hang out with you and whatnot. maybe i think it's kind of childish that you guys are gonna end up staying a fifth year because all you do is dick around and smoke pot. and maybe im kinda of jealous that things academically seem to come so easily to those fourth year engineers when i'm already starting to struggle. sometimes i just wish we had gotten the townhouse on the other side of the complex like we were supposed to. but who knows maybe it just takes more time to warm up to them.
- i wish i had a gun. not to shoot me of course, but to shoot whoever is blaring their music with all that bass in it that i think my heart is having palapitations

hmph

-i dont want people to say sorry for things they aren't really sorry for. i wouldn't do it either. i dont need or want anyone to be sorry. i need her to see that venting is one thing. but its another thing to vent to others and expect me to solve it...even more so because none of that venting was actually to me. what the hell do people expect? it's like im damned if i do, damned if i dont. she gets mad at me because she thinks that i dont care. she gets mad at me cause she thinks i dont know. it all turns into a big joke and for some reason everyone is in on it, except the person involved. it was like i was in elementary school again. i was in a fuckin fight without even knowing it. when the hell does that happen past the age of 12? was i really that wrong to not do anything? i dont care that she vented cause i do the same damn thing. i just dont pretend as though by writing on this thing, it solves anything. she has no right to be mad that i didn't know or didn't do anything about it because she never told me anything or did anything herself other than 'vent' as i'm doing now. but the difference is, is that she knows what i'm talking about cause she's already heard it all before, but from me...and not a blogger post where you have to guess at what pertains to you or not. so go ahead vent...everyone knows that i am one of the queens of venting. but please don't turn around and expect people to change just because somewhere out there in cyberspace, you have posted cryptically that you were mad.
- i think the word 'vent' has lost all meaning.
-i know we have changed a lot this summer. but i didn't think it was so much so that things would have gone to shit. yes in part, it was due to our own immautrity. a little thing got blown up way outta hand. but perhaps my phase is over and it's time to move on. it's happened before, it's bound to happen again i guess. but i'll still be around because i dont know about you, but i still want to be around...although not right at this moment. cause if history does repeat itself, like it so often does...it takes a lot more than a thing like this to kill it permanently.
-i'm already starting to get lazy. i don't want to get course materials...i dont want to read. it's the second week of school for goodness sakes. and to top it all off, my bio group hates eachother. and i want to hit them all. twice.
-and to whoever runs the north campus building: mr. north campus building man, please turn down the ac. i think i'm catching a cold.

unit seven

it was an awesome weekend to say the least. too bad the stupid sunday night group project had to ruin the fun. but thank you brian for caring and making it a little less bad, and to matty, who i wouldnt have made get me unless i was actually scared...but i appreciate that you were willing.

seeing 14 or so people bouncing around our place made it feel a little bit more like home. not exactly all the people i wanted here if i had my pick, but a little bit of scarbrough is a little bit of scarborough i guess. the white guys downstairs got a kick outta all the asians. it actually was like chinatown in our apartment. highlights included a surprise visit by sean hundt, a boy from elementary school that got more than a little friendly with the other ang and made all of the beder's elementary dreams come true, jac sen trying to mix up drinks, drew being drew and matt being matt ...and we can't forget oh rita. i wish you were there girlies...

but the night of all nights was friday. the chaotic mess i made in my bedroom as i found something to wear and the quick shots of straight rum to catch up with the boys were just the begining. the best part was the walk downtown...me and the boys-jeff, brian and matt. great entertainment and even despite their drunken state, knew how to watch over and take care of a lady. it made my night. and oh yoyo... so fun at the bar.. lol and needlesstosay, seeing your boyfriend at a bar wearing your favourite shirt on him for the first time in a couple of weeks while you're totally drunk is great. but what as greater was seeing HIM drunk for the first time the next night. teehee

220a

and i was thinking maybe i should have kept my mouth shut and not called and bitched and tried so hard to get into the second year micro course that was already full, even before i got to register. all the woman had to say was to take it next near and fill the half credit with something else. priority was given to third year students who needed the course to graduate. so i was put on a waiting list and registered for vertebrate biology that day. turns out i got into the micro class. and in my class of about 150 people, maybe 30 of us are second year students. no wonder i didn't know anyone. and i was thinking maybe it was a mistake afterall to push fate like that, and how easily i could have fit it into my schedule next year and how great that gap of knowledge between a second and thrid year student really was (especially with things like organic chem and bio classes and biochemistry that they already had that i didnt).

but all the panic seemed to fade a bit today. my professors are these two silver-haired ladies and one young woman straight from grad school who assists. i get a TA for every 14 students, which is a lot better than last year's 30-50 or so. and it was something about being taught by a woman..especially in a field that i have all intentions to get into.... it was reassuring, even empowering in a strange way. it was the first lecture i actually enjoyed. it was the first time i got excited about my labs, despite being a little nervous about actual lab techniques. it was all new and strange, but in a good way....like i was a kid in a candy store for the first time.

and despite everything they tell me-how people have died from inhaling unknown spores in an air conditioner or through shower mist, i'm still the kind of person who picks shit off the floor and eats it, claiming that the 5 second rule does indeed exist.

breathe

i knew..but really.. if i didn't read your blog... there's no way i would have known that you knew or cared. and so would you have rather me post all the shit i was thinking? and then told everyone how i thought you both didn't know and didn't care? cause really, you guys act as though you've done something... but other than those mysterious posts, you didn't do any more than what i did. i just didn't talk about it all behind your backs.
so be mad that i didn't care or was to lazy to do anything. and be mad when you thought i didnt notice. but you gotta realize that you did the same exact thing that you're mad at me for. because if i had stayed away from your blog, i would have every right to think that you didnt care or that you were too lazy or that you too were unaware of the situation... and that is something i know youre not going to see.
and you can't say that just because you posted it, it got things out in the air and that because of it you were the bigger man. thats bullshit IF thats what you're thinking. and im not trying to put words into your mouth or anything. i dont want this to end up like that situation. you know which one i mean.

untitled

i'm continuing with my break from blogger. ive never had more things to say but not a way to say them before. it's easier this way. i'll see you soon.