happy birthday baby jesus

and despite how everything has changed in the last little while, sometimes things still stay alarmingly the same. once again, christmas at the leung household was non existant. so for christmas eve, while everyone was doing the family dinner and whatnot, i got my two trusty boys...my hybrid family. and believe it or not they managed to drag me to midnight mass. i swear i havent been to a mass i wasn't required to go to (ie: brother's confirmation, cousin's baptism, school mass) since probably elementary school. not saying its something to be proud of, but i wouldn't necessarily be ashamed of it either. it wasn't as bad as i remembered it but then again, i can't tell you what was being said- i made my own fun. AND does anyone else notice that during communion they close all the doors and open them back up afterwards? yoyo and jacsen think i'm crazy but trust me, you church go-ers look next time. i'm thinking there must be a reason i just dont understand.

n.e.r.d.

it's sad when it takes tragic things like a funeral to get us all together again. it seems as though i've been going to way too many over the last few years. but i guess they also serve as a reminder that we're still connected. we've realized that none of us have really seen or talked to him all that much since we've all split ways. but when things like this happen, it makes you realize that maybe we're not so far apart afterall. i mean everyone who needed to know found out and everyone who needed to be there, was. even that teacher from highschool...who'd you'd have never thought at first would have found out.

i like that he smiled as i approached..despite what he was going through. i liked that he knew i would say something about his leg and that he was all ready with a story for me.

afterwards was a late lunch. i was so hungry and risked popping those stitches just to get the food down my mouth as fast as i could. it was not the time for careful chewing. despite how complicated and messed up that whole group of people are at times, i still miss them and how they make me laugh.

it was a good christmas eve. despite the circumstances that brought us all together of course.

meet chipmunk cheeks

i feel trapped in this house. trapped, but at the same time weary of going anywhere.
the actual procedure went great. that feeling....of yourself going under.. of feeling yourself losing contact with the world- its weird. when one of the nurses asked me if i was okay, i wasn't sure if i could physically get myself to answer...

and now im swollen and can fall asleep at any time. oh tylenol 3s...so unpredictable. and i guess that's whats keeping me from doing a lot of things- the fear of getting hit in the face (i've actually done it to myself a few times) and the fact that i need naps every time i take me pain medication... and of course there's also the fact that my left cheek is square. damn the uneven swelling...

the boy dropped by today with fruit in pureed smoothie form. thank you for helping me stave off scruvy for another day. and it was just extra nice considering it was more than what my mom has done for me this whole time. i got fed up of eating nothing and actually tried making real food. my jaw hurts. maybe i got a little over zealous with the chewing.

apparently tomorrow is going to be hell. we'll see. i really would much rather go shopping with jaxs.

monday was our christmas. thank you and i hope you enjoyed yours. and ang finally owns her first real dvd. lol.

sometimes i dont realize how things sound until after i have had the chance to rethink things through. i really dont mean to sound so ungreatful...and maybe that's not how you heard it, but playing it back through my head.... it just sounded wrong. sometimes i wonder if you are somehow just immune to all of this somehow. or if somehow you understand me more than i think you do. and it's just nice knowing that you are still there...no matter what. and no matter what stupid things i seem to do.

keep on truckin'

it's amazing what those pheromones can do. thanks to jaxs i am semi-regular once again. and its even better cause she gets hers first. haha Funny how it also worked last year (although i'm sure coincidentally) even though three out of the four of us were on the pill. Go mentrual synchrony.

i wanna go boxing day shopping!!! i haven't been truly out shopping for soo long. i'm hoping i can spare the christmas money from being used for rent and splurge a little. and i'm also hoping for some good sales to ease the pain. AND i've decided that i'm gonna be great by then (yes, these are things i can decide..) so that if i get elbowed in the face by some irrate woman trying to get her hands on a sweater, i won't die of pain.

just ONE more to go baby! haha and as excited as i am to come home for christmas, i'm also not. i think more than anything, i just need the break. and a little lovin' from my boy and girls. and yoyo, if you're reading this, you're included in the girl pile.

all that i can say is that next semester is going to be quite interesting.. lol we'll see how this all goes.

i was thinking the other day... you know how some people don't ever seem to have to make a hard decision in their life? and i don't mean they just couldn't decide something; i mean that things just fall perfectly into place so that the decision is pretty clear. i hate those people. okay no i don't. i am just jealous at a how easy it is for them. not saying its their fault for it or anything- just the cards we are dealt. but still : / why does there not seem to be any consequences for you no matter what? why does life like you so much better?

a part of me still winces when i let myself think that this whole thing is gonna last. i do think that; but i won't let myself. i can't let myself believe that i can win the race when the finish line is so far i guess. the disappointment will be that much greater when i don't.

and i know... there really is no real reason for me to leave. i just like to entertain these thoughts for now though...

flip flop

and i think it just seeded a thought. or perhaps just made a deep hidden desire grow. it's always kinda been there since the day i left, sitting on my shoulder, sometimes louder at times than others. but for some reason it didn't seem like a viable idea. i had always just pushed it aside and labelled it s bit of homesickness. but as of late i just keep on wondering.

do I really belong here?

it just seems easier, of course not initally.... there wouldnt be a long distance anything, i wouldnt be missing the people back home, perhaps things would have been a little less screwed up. i would have a job and the money that would have gotten loss through rent, could have by now paid for a car....if i had not been so stubborn to leave from the begining.

i try to think back on why i wanted to get out of there to begin with, why i was so set on leaving not just the city, but perhaps the province. things just dont seem as bad when they've been faded and blurred by time...because although i can remember why, i think back and believe that i could have easily coped.

and then i think of how weird it would be suddenly not knowing anyone from my labs and suddenly not have some of the people i know here. and suddenly having everything unfamilliar again. i think what's done is done and going back will just remind me of why i wanted to leave and how it can't undo this whole mess, and that some way i would end up screwed anyways. and i think how there's still something here for me to discover...something that brought me here.

it left a bad taste in my mouth

it's like i can't even think anymore without getting yelled at in some way. what the hell is wrong with me? it finally occured to me today how much that one little decision i made back then had such an impact...and how i'm paying for it in so many ways right now. and in the back of my mind, im still thinking of how easy it would to just give up and give in to what seems easier right now. but i won't let myself, i've gone so far already.

i know you tried and i do get it but stupid thought or not, it was still my thought. it wasn't like it was unjustified or unreasonable but it just kills me that no one will ever see it that way. to you i will always be the unreasonable one in this situation and i guess i'm okay with that. friends always have their unreasonable moments...what can you do...lol

hmm an on this thing i just noticed that the word unreasonable lined up right on top of eachother....and now i sound weird, cause it probably won't post that way...

and i just realized how im probably gonna feel the reprocussions of this very post but i really really really don't care right now. i just need to get the last bits of the conversation residue out. as was said, no one has to read this right? and im thinking that should work for everyone.

and on another note. . .

sometimes i wonder what you two fight about and if in about a year or so whether i'll be in that position too. it's weird to think that it could be so, but at the same time, it's very possible.

two more weeks about and im outta here.. of course 2 weeks of hell but outta here nonetheless. which is what really counts in my head. well i guess it doesn't count if i fail....or in my case get below 70 in my courses.. oh man that would suck.

ive been eating so much lately...im gonna come home obese...lol but maybe with all the non-eating from the teeth gouging, it will balance the world out a bit. or maybe not, since i see myself sucking down liquid lard rather than starving..okay maybe not liquid lard. how about we substitute that word for..milkshakes.. lol big is beautiful

and i guess with that i'm off..

bunched up

this past weekend at home was great! and although it was too short and involved two epic journies, it was well worth it. it just felt different this time; but different in a good way i guess. I got absolutley no work done as expected, did this weird AE exchange.return things, met my new dentist, and spent way too much time in a store of only ribbons than any normal person should have.

but i guess that's our thing. from picking beads outta a barrel at lewis craft, to being late because of ikea, or emerging out of a bead store we entered at 1 in the afternoon only to find ourselves in the middle of jazz fest. so why not a ribbon store? it was uber fun though. and mostly; it was comfortable.

maybe that's it...what made this weekend different....it was the first i felt comfortable for a while. there was no drama, no me trying too hard, none of the whole being weary of situations and over-analysing every little thing.

i like it when luke's parents aren't home and we have the house all to ourselves and we dont have to worry about making sure we're not in the way or too loud or whatever. and its nice that justin doesn't seem so scary anymore. he's better with me and doesnt groan silently and run away to another room like he normally does. its a nice feeling to be able to actually watch tv with me and him and luke outta the room and actually be comfortable (and yes even talking) instead of me constantly hoping luke will come back..and soon.

it was a good weekend for reasons i could never really explain

i never said i was normal
and this whole thing is seeming really stupid
and i let go.

snowman cookies

I've decided that I would rather pluck out every hair on my body individually with tweezers than study for this chemistry exam. And to think, I still have another semester of this...except harder. I will never understand chemistry.

tomorrow might be a value village adventure with jaxs. teehee and maybe get me some groceries too. im excited.

my christmas present is sitting in his room right now. it's wrapped up and everything. the other part to it just arrived by mail today. i'm dying to know what it is. who wants to go find out for me....come on i'll make it worth your while. must stop...being..so....ridiculously nosy. on that note, anyone know where i can get an iskin and what they cost? i think 30 bucks? well thats how much they were when they first came out but i saw 40-buck ones in the store and was thinking that was a little expensive for a rubber envelope of a product.

sorry amanda, no coming back home this weekend. way to much work. and my micro class decides to be really nice and dumps our last three lab reports on the next week cause they were stupid and panicked with they realized school was ending sooner than they thought. yay me. so yeah i figure this also de-complicates things.. um yeah ill email/msn you about that. lol.

and the christmas countdown starts...

lemon cookie

why WHY do i keep on doing this to myself. i ....i just want to take a pair of scissors and cut that aspect of my life out right now. it's not the best thing to do, but everything is good or at least okay except for you. things seemed to be getting better, and by better i mean more 'normal' but just when i think things have settled, it hits me again. i can't help it...im fine until out of no where something is there and i feel it and know its there. i know that probably millions of other people have heard of the struggles, on-going struggles, and struggles have been re-hatched and dissected and re-told again. i just get mad about it all, all over again. but i just dont wanna deal with it now...or ever. and i think i'm doing my running away from things that i do so well now. cause afterall if you can't physically run why not do it in other ways.

the company that we rent our townhouse apartment thingy from is offering us a free case of beer per tenant who is renewing the lease for next year... haha so we might have three cases of beer sitting in our living room. i knew this whole issue would be soon, but i didnt realize this soon. oh london.

i found this weird maggot/grub in my bok choy. yes i have china vegetable here. it fully grossed me out. and no it was while i was cuutting them up before washing them that i found it. if i had found it cooked, i would have thrown up. but the path it took intot he vegetable to make its new home was kinda cool. theres a dead maggot.grub in our garbage can right now.

i'm excited to go christmas shopping...excited and a little worried i guess. must get everything done before the 21st...stupid teeth pulling.

i know you probably don't know how much you've helped. thank you. and hopefully i get to see you for a bit this weekend. oh, but dont kill yourself. :P

and im thinking how my parents would react if i came home three weekends in a row...lol. my parents arent the type of parents who are happy to have me back. itsmore of a 'what are you doing back' sorta thing. not that they dont want me there, just not hey lets go take you out and have family time types..lol and i dont even want to think about the work i have to do. sigh.

my teeth hurt

i think i have a cavity. this is going to make my upcoming dejntist appointment really interesting. i remember when i was a kid, i had a bajillion of them. it was like every time i went, i had to fill at least one. but since all my baby teeth have fallen out, i can say i am cavity free. DMAN YOU CAVITY!!! i'm hoping its one of those cavities that you feel is there, but was only a figment of your overactive imagination. maybe when i eat candy and bite into the wrong things with it, it really doesnt hurt.

the bump i received from dropping a digital camera on my head is slowly receeding (sp?). and it no longer hurts to wash my face. lol yay for that

dead skin cells

i don't know what's going on anymore. all of the little secrets, the everyday inside jokes kinda things, the words that come out of your mouths.

and no matter what, i know things are still weird and i know things are not alright because things like this happen. suddenly im not a part of the conversation even though the whole point was that you thought it was me. suddenly, i dont get to laugh about it, but rather get to hear about it after everything has gone down. suddenly i feel like giving up. and so maybe i myself have not totally come to terms with everything that has happened. but maybe its time that i do. and if things return to relatively where they were before like it has so many other times with so many other people, then good; but i also have to learn to accept that they very well might not.

i give up on learning

sometimes you just gotta tell yourself that there will be more to life than this... someday. and sometimes waiting to get to that point is just too much. i just want to get to that point right now- not cause there is anything wrong with where i am now, im just not content when the 'one day' seems so much better.

i have an interview on thursday. one of those sit down, explain your experiment, and listen while i tear apart your scientific article types of interviews. and we all know how great i am with those.. mer.

it wasn't until recently that things sorta started to make sense. i never knew why there was all this fighting; why it was always so explosive. i really didn't get it. i thought that maybe it was because i just couldn't understand it yet; that my time in life to learn was not here. but now im seeing how things are just like that cause youre messed up. and i know its mean and judgemental to say that. but no really, youre messed up. and im messed up too, but thank goodness not in that way.
okay i thinki should go now, im getting mean.

i hate everyone!!! the end.


*bows and exits*

its getting cold

alison found me today in biochem. kirsten wasnt showing up today cause she was cramming for our midterm tomorrow and al couldnt find her girlie either. i know it was nothing, but it was nice having her there again. it reminded me of our bio ap days...both of us writing crap down we both dont totally understand and having to look over at eachother's notebooks to see if we spelled things right.

i know i probably blew it out of proportion considering it was such a little, insignficant thing. maybe it was compounded by the fact that we've both been so stressed-out and busy lately. it's just really frustrating because i hate how sometimes i can never get a straight answer and i hate how i have to ask like 36 different questions just to find out something. i hate feeling as though everytime i want to know something so ordinary and normal for a person to say, i turn into an interrogator. and i know you say its fine that i ask...but maybe i get tired of asking...you never seem to have to ask me.

ihate biochem. thank goodness the final isnt cumulative.

i know it's a little late...but

i'm wearing halloween underwear. my crotch says "BOO"

waiting for the shower

At what point does a blog or lj entry turn into a cheesey tabloid-like article, but one in which the reader knows the stories are true? What line separates it from an informative medium to vent out ideas and frustrations until it turns into something people view in the same way as an on-going magazine serial or like a real life soap opera. yes, ive also taken part in this whole 'reading people's entires who i technically know, but who i dont really personally know or talk to', and i think everyone has participated in this indulgence at least one time or another. but it's true, as someone else says, its not fair when the story is one sided and perhaps shared without taking into account the feelings of the people involved. it's not fair when you share the same group of friends and that although unintentional, the other person so constantly mentioned, is changed in everyone else's opinion.

Even the greatest journalists are still biased in their writing even when they make a conscious effort not to be. it's just human nature to have an opinion and to let that come through in what we think or do. And there's also a reason why they are legally required to get permission from people who they write about when collecting information. it's what separates a credible, information-gathering journalist, from one who sifts through the trash of others for a scoop. it's just not fair when we don't hear the other side of things and its even more unfair when the person involved doesn't feel comfortable with the level of sharing. cause it's their problem too and you may just be making it bigger than they would like.

How would you feel if you opened up a friend's blog or lj and were constantly reading of how crap-tacular you are...and knowing that all your other friends are reading this too?

card-pickin' goldfish

something just made me not want to go. it was a mix of the fact that i woke up at 6am that morning after three hours of sleep and the fact that by going, i would have ruined some aspect along the way. they wouldn't have looked back at that night in the same way and so im thinking it was all for the better.

and sometimes you just need that person who doesn't go and never asks why. the person that doesnt seem to care what your reason is; just that you dont want to. There's just some things that i don't want to go into detail with because it wouldnt be fair for you.. and your relationships. i dont want anything happening because of some weird loyalty thing...and even you knowing about it all may just be a little too weird. and because i know you dont know even half of what's really going on, or rather went on, i'm greatful that we're at this point where you can just sense that its not something i want to get into, even though you know there's something incredibly wrong.

i wanna know why im paying a health care premium and then getting my free eye doctor exams taken away. what the hell. give me back my money mr. premier! arg.. just cause YOU'RE rich enough to pay for your own eye exams doesn't mean i am.

oooh i just wish this exam schedule is finalized soon so i can possible still change my teeth-gauging appointment.

hmm so im really getting nervous about this biochem exam now. let the memorization begin...

unloading

-there's a new dynamic. and again, i feel like that kid in elementary school, looking at all the other girls playing double dutch and just getting confused and dizzy by the swinging ropes...and i still cant figure out how to jump in.

-and although it was a short weekend with me constantly thinking oh man orgo exam sat and another exam and test thursday...it was a needed break...with familliar home faces. i had a blast and breakfast and such was great. thank you for coming. i just wish i had more time to spend with you...we could have actually done somethign the night you came in and sat during the day...

- i was really drunk saturday...but something tells me that maybe i should have been drunker.

-sean at my house twice within the last month is kinda weird..lol

-matty is never gonna get his butt here to start our little exercise regime at this rate. lol

- it's hard to continuously feel sad about something when it feels as though more and more that i'm the one being blamed. and i know they'll never say it outright that hey it's my fault and instead say thats just how life changes, but its always about how things have changed around me. it's never weird when its the three of them, only when its the four of us....so the only logical conclusion would be....yup.
so what if i am the one to blame..
we all know things are different. and i know its just venting and whatnot and i'm by no means telling anyone to stop, but its kinda hard getting how ive failed thrown in my face all the time even though it's meant as a 'hey this is life'. cause no matter how much a part of life this is, it's still me reading about how i was somehow a disappointment. and i really dont feel like dealing with that.
i guess the above doesn't apply to the same degree for everyone. im kinda lumping i know. and really, i am thankful for the talks and explosion extinguishing during this whole thing...but there's just still something about the whole mess.....maybe its just a general thing.
and in truth, all the sadness that i still have concerning this whole issue, is slowly hardening into resentment and im not even sure why.

-i miss china fish...yeah i know, random thought...but im just craving for a nice steamed fish with lotsa green onion and ginger and soya sauce. mmm sauce.

-i hate how this whole thing is affecting me. im tired of feeling like shit. i need a mini break from it. time to rearrange my weekend...or at least what i thought my weekend would be.

-lab tuesday, lab wednesday, lab and 10% test for bio thursday and 40% micro midterm thursday as well.. it doesnt help that a pass to stay in my program is 70% now....is that heartburn i feel? lol

a dozen

there's a whole new level of excitement that comes about when there's a delivery man at the door you. suddenly you don't care that your computer just exploded yesterday night, or that you just came out of the shower and your hair is wet, or that you just threw on any old pants so you could run down the stairs. there's this big smile as you try to tear open the box as quickly as you can without actually breaking it. there's the indescribable feeling you get when you finally read the card.

and sometimes something frivolous and unexpected is just the thing you are in need of and not even know it. it wasnt an anniversary, or a birthday, or anything at all - it was just because. and because it was for no particular reason at all, or perhaps because you knew i was gonna be having a rough couple of weeks, it made the surprise all the better. thank you for the roses. :)they're beautiful...

playing dress up

why oh WHY did i sleep in again? doesn't my body know i have exams and need to be up and studying; not unconscious and drooling? hmph. its strange and scary how out of all my courses, i'm the least afraid for the orgo exam. dum dum dum

and now the bajillion of people who were supposed to be coming next week aren't. i studied on a saturday night for you!!! well in preparation for you anyways. but at the same time, maybe this is the Big Guy Upstairs saying, "ang.. study, stupid". I thought it was a do-able weekend. lol So i figure whatever happens, happens.

I finally finished the wrap that's been sitting in the fridge. If i die of some sort of stomach explosion or food poisoning, please let the world know that fully made wraps (with mayo) should be consumed before they are two days old. Shut up I was really hungry and really lazy. And besides, it smelled and tasted fine to me.

Speaking of our fridge...student living has just gotten a little more ghetto. to accompany our freezer avalanches, the bulb in our refridgerator no longer works. one would think that it was just a burnt out bulb, and in theory it was, but when we put in another bulb, it still didn't work. do refrigerators have some sort of special bulb we don't know about? Needlesstosay, now when we open our fridge for food, it's like exploring and scavenging through a cave. It's like you need one of those hard hats (like them coal miners wear) just to use it, with signs saying, "beware of falling frozen food" and warnign you about visibility conditions when searching for the margarine. I feel like i should be grunting and snorting and yellling "ooh food" in a caveman, er.. cavewoman-esque way while pulling out a large chicken leg. too bad there aren't any large chicken legs (mmmm chicken), and a tree of broccolli will have to suffice. hmm what doyou call that head of brocolli anyways? a bunch? but what if it's only one stem? bouquet? haha i like that one, that's what it is now. ..a bouquet of broccolli.

i made double chocolate muffins at like 12 last night. they were good, especially right out of the oven. how marth stewart of me. k, not really cuase they came out of a package. how pseudomartha stewart of me.

gobble gobble gobble

i know it's a little late to be doing this, but i never really felt like writing til now...and mostly only because this isn't microbio. this is what i'm thankful for:
-for friends like you who don't mind a little off-tune, raspy-voiced, accompanied by bouts of coughing singing that i do while in the car on our journey home.
-for you, who had thanksgiving dinner at swiss chalet with me cause we both have a non-existant family. i know it wasn't the turkey we were craving for, but the night couldn't have been more satisfying.
-for the person who is still patiently there, despite all the things i do that one would think would drive any sane person away. no matter how big the freak outs or how much i try to push you away (whether it be subconsciously or not), you're still there at the end of the day...and surprisingly, wanting to be there. thank you for putting up with me.
-for the girls who are willing to haul ass downtown so that there can be a little bit of the seeing, the lunching, and the shopping. only with you guys would there be arm injuries from the uber amounts of clothes, random polaroid taking, wishing/pretending we had a bajillion things for a few minutes because we couldnt afford them, and explainations as to why you shouldnt by things just because they're cheap...oh man that ugly skirt..lol haha and that just remnded me of "oh excuse me, i have chicken"
-wing night. one of the highlights of the weekend.
-all the middle aged women/moms who all weekend kept on insisting i lost weight. it was a nice little body boost, especially after gaining those few pounds last year in rez and never really losing it over the summer. Damn you rez food, beer, and cheap mcdeals *shakes fists in air* my mom however, still begs to differ.
-for my parents...who although are the cause of many of the struggles, but who also seem to try...well once in a while. hmm so maybe i'm thankful for their trying.

on another note...
while everyone is getting jobs up there in toronto...i am still unemployed. had an interview with jacob, but they were hiring christmas staff and needed me there for boxing day. and although since im having my teeth gouged out of my mouth this year and am not going to montreal, and thus will have another non-existant christmas, the thought of driving down here christmas day just so i can work isn't too appealing at all. so i stopped the interview, told her thanks for her time, but that there was no point in continuing with it, just bccause i cant work boxing day and well i cant work half of christmas break even if i wanted to. and the thought of having to wear dressy clothes to school jus because i have a shift after at work? bleeeck. dresspants and winter salt dont mix.

phlem, or something like it

the sickness has started to subside. and im vaseline-ing my nose as a preventative measure against the kleenex chappies. i swear i have NO immune system! what the hell. i blame it on the week that i actually went out to run. physical activity never did anyone any good. you know when you work out, you're actually killing and tearing all your muscles and its the rebuilding of these tissues that make you stronger? i think my body is too lazy to actually do any of this 'rebuilding' and has decided to leave me broken. and i am covinced that while i was hunched over trying to breathe and not die during these runs (if you can even call it that, probably more like run/walks), some sort of evil-doing organism made a home in my throat or nasal passage.

for a while i was also convinced that i had somehow infected myself with one of those many microbes we've been handling in my microbio labs. but after a bit of thought, i realized these are not the symptoms of watered down E. coli or that one that sounds like pneumonia (haha yes, i am obviously learning lots. it is quite clear that the 5 thousand dollars as not gone to waste). hmm i wonder if i could sue... haha yes i would be like one of those stupid people who spills coffee on themselves and then says it wasnt their fault for getting burned because the coffee was too hot. really now...who blames their own stupidity on others? you're a clumbsy rhino of a person. deal with it.

somewhere between a rock and a hard place [edited]

i'm kind of in this weird phase right now. not sure what it is. but things just dont seem right.

There are some things i feel as though i want to talk about but at the same time don't really feel like sharing. And it's not as though i dont have people who wont understand and who wont be there.. but its just weird and im thinking maybe they wont understand afterall...at least not in the way i need them to. things are difficult when people are too close.

so maybe sometimes i'm a bit more abbrasive than i realize. i make fun; im sarcastic; im bitchy...but its all in good fun. maybe im just too used to having people around me that already know that and are used to it. but at the same time another side of me is thinking...maybe it's them. maybe they are just too....you know. maybe that's why there are so many fights that i think are stupid. it's all about the.. you know.

so i admit, im a bit frustrated. and i know its just the way i so happened to grow up and whatnot but i totally dont get it when people dont know how to LIVE. don't get me wrong, i am certainly no pro...but i mean the basics, like laundry not hollandaise sauce. and its surprising how this is what's 'normal' too, cause i can name off like 10 people right now that would fit into this category. but god i would be soo pissed off at myself as a parent if i sent my kid out into the world and didnt teach them how to wipe their own ass.

there's something off about that boy...oh man...it'll be interesting to see where i am in, oh i dont know, a year or so.

it would have been nice if he had enough balls to just straight up tell me. i dont care that it's broken, but i care that he's pretending he doesnt know. at first i wasn't bothered. i was going to let it slide. but i think it was that instant when he asked me if i knew what happened and was content with my answer of 'i'm not sure' and didnt say anything about it after. what was i supposed to say? yes i do know? maybe i was expecting too much, but i really thought he was going to offer an explaination or some sorts. and that's when i became really bothered by the whole situation because he KNOWS i technically dont know and he's cool with just keeping it a secret. and eventually he will hear about it.. but probably in some sort of drunken rage...and probably later than sooner. lol dishonesty by omission it t'was. and i know this may be just paranoid of me, but it makes me wonder what else. it's starting a bad precendent.

i joined what i like to call a nerd society. okay its some bio undergrad thing. but dammit it'll all be worth it once i have that nice internship within my reach. im member 240.. lol it's all about the networking baby.

dammit why is thre so much more work this year... arg. and i just foudn out my second semester chem course is going to make me cry....literally.

my tealights are pure liquid now. i guess that means time to blow them out.

dizzy

- i think the costs of actually living in this place is finally hitting me- now that the grocery, telephone, internet and utility bills have all started to come in. it seems as though there is something new to pay every other day. and it certainly doesnt help when i'm pretty sure i'm the only one actually paying for this stuff outta her own pocket. dammit i wish i could just fax a copy of the bill and have magic money fly to me.
- i am completely exhausted after all that. and even though it was contructive i guess you say, i dont really think that it did anything. i know there wasn't a lot of signs that things weren't right with me... but its hard to start talking about things when you can't talk with the person you usually tell things first to and who's usually there to tell you that you're not so crazy and out of line afterall.
- maybe i like being a loser at home in my pajamas. maybe i'm begining to find it annoying that i always feel somewhat obligated to hang out with you and whatnot. maybe i think it's kind of childish that you guys are gonna end up staying a fifth year because all you do is dick around and smoke pot. and maybe im kinda of jealous that things academically seem to come so easily to those fourth year engineers when i'm already starting to struggle. sometimes i just wish we had gotten the townhouse on the other side of the complex like we were supposed to. but who knows maybe it just takes more time to warm up to them.
- i wish i had a gun. not to shoot me of course, but to shoot whoever is blaring their music with all that bass in it that i think my heart is having palapitations

hmph

-i dont want people to say sorry for things they aren't really sorry for. i wouldn't do it either. i dont need or want anyone to be sorry. i need her to see that venting is one thing. but its another thing to vent to others and expect me to solve it...even more so because none of that venting was actually to me. what the hell do people expect? it's like im damned if i do, damned if i dont. she gets mad at me because she thinks that i dont care. she gets mad at me cause she thinks i dont know. it all turns into a big joke and for some reason everyone is in on it, except the person involved. it was like i was in elementary school again. i was in a fuckin fight without even knowing it. when the hell does that happen past the age of 12? was i really that wrong to not do anything? i dont care that she vented cause i do the same damn thing. i just dont pretend as though by writing on this thing, it solves anything. she has no right to be mad that i didn't know or didn't do anything about it because she never told me anything or did anything herself other than 'vent' as i'm doing now. but the difference is, is that she knows what i'm talking about cause she's already heard it all before, but from me...and not a blogger post where you have to guess at what pertains to you or not. so go ahead vent...everyone knows that i am one of the queens of venting. but please don't turn around and expect people to change just because somewhere out there in cyberspace, you have posted cryptically that you were mad.
- i think the word 'vent' has lost all meaning.
-i know we have changed a lot this summer. but i didn't think it was so much so that things would have gone to shit. yes in part, it was due to our own immautrity. a little thing got blown up way outta hand. but perhaps my phase is over and it's time to move on. it's happened before, it's bound to happen again i guess. but i'll still be around because i dont know about you, but i still want to be around...although not right at this moment. cause if history does repeat itself, like it so often does...it takes a lot more than a thing like this to kill it permanently.
-i'm already starting to get lazy. i don't want to get course materials...i dont want to read. it's the second week of school for goodness sakes. and to top it all off, my bio group hates eachother. and i want to hit them all. twice.
-and to whoever runs the north campus building: mr. north campus building man, please turn down the ac. i think i'm catching a cold.

unit seven

it was an awesome weekend to say the least. too bad the stupid sunday night group project had to ruin the fun. but thank you brian for caring and making it a little less bad, and to matty, who i wouldnt have made get me unless i was actually scared...but i appreciate that you were willing.

seeing 14 or so people bouncing around our place made it feel a little bit more like home. not exactly all the people i wanted here if i had my pick, but a little bit of scarbrough is a little bit of scarborough i guess. the white guys downstairs got a kick outta all the asians. it actually was like chinatown in our apartment. highlights included a surprise visit by sean hundt, a boy from elementary school that got more than a little friendly with the other ang and made all of the beder's elementary dreams come true, jac sen trying to mix up drinks, drew being drew and matt being matt ...and we can't forget oh rita. i wish you were there girlies...

but the night of all nights was friday. the chaotic mess i made in my bedroom as i found something to wear and the quick shots of straight rum to catch up with the boys were just the begining. the best part was the walk downtown...me and the boys-jeff, brian and matt. great entertainment and even despite their drunken state, knew how to watch over and take care of a lady. it made my night. and oh yoyo... so fun at the bar.. lol and needlesstosay, seeing your boyfriend at a bar wearing your favourite shirt on him for the first time in a couple of weeks while you're totally drunk is great. but what as greater was seeing HIM drunk for the first time the next night. teehee

220a

and i was thinking maybe i should have kept my mouth shut and not called and bitched and tried so hard to get into the second year micro course that was already full, even before i got to register. all the woman had to say was to take it next near and fill the half credit with something else. priority was given to third year students who needed the course to graduate. so i was put on a waiting list and registered for vertebrate biology that day. turns out i got into the micro class. and in my class of about 150 people, maybe 30 of us are second year students. no wonder i didn't know anyone. and i was thinking maybe it was a mistake afterall to push fate like that, and how easily i could have fit it into my schedule next year and how great that gap of knowledge between a second and thrid year student really was (especially with things like organic chem and bio classes and biochemistry that they already had that i didnt).

but all the panic seemed to fade a bit today. my professors are these two silver-haired ladies and one young woman straight from grad school who assists. i get a TA for every 14 students, which is a lot better than last year's 30-50 or so. and it was something about being taught by a woman..especially in a field that i have all intentions to get into.... it was reassuring, even empowering in a strange way. it was the first lecture i actually enjoyed. it was the first time i got excited about my labs, despite being a little nervous about actual lab techniques. it was all new and strange, but in a good way....like i was a kid in a candy store for the first time.

and despite everything they tell me-how people have died from inhaling unknown spores in an air conditioner or through shower mist, i'm still the kind of person who picks shit off the floor and eats it, claiming that the 5 second rule does indeed exist.

breathe

i knew..but really.. if i didn't read your blog... there's no way i would have known that you knew or cared. and so would you have rather me post all the shit i was thinking? and then told everyone how i thought you both didn't know and didn't care? cause really, you guys act as though you've done something... but other than those mysterious posts, you didn't do any more than what i did. i just didn't talk about it all behind your backs.
so be mad that i didn't care or was to lazy to do anything. and be mad when you thought i didnt notice. but you gotta realize that you did the same exact thing that you're mad at me for. because if i had stayed away from your blog, i would have every right to think that you didnt care or that you were too lazy or that you too were unaware of the situation... and that is something i know youre not going to see.
and you can't say that just because you posted it, it got things out in the air and that because of it you were the bigger man. thats bullshit IF thats what you're thinking. and im not trying to put words into your mouth or anything. i dont want this to end up like that situation. you know which one i mean.

untitled

i'm continuing with my break from blogger. ive never had more things to say but not a way to say them before. it's easier this way. i'll see you soon.

sofas and stairs

it's starting to actually feel like home.

COWCAPE!

my mom was never one of those bake cookies, make sure you're okay kind of moms. not to say that there is anything wrong with that i guess... but it kinda just pisses me off when she expects certain things from me. she makes it seem as though i was some horrible kid..(edit: still AM some horrible kid) that somehow no matter how much she tried or did, she could never please me.
i don't need her to be there constantly doting over me, i would never ask for that. but it would just be nice to know that when i come home i can get fed, even if it's leftovers, and not have to worry about groceries and whatnot when im living with capable adults who are still technically raising another child at home other than me. no one cooks here. what the fuck do they eat?
i also don't want her to be complaining about my mess, when she's off making her own. yes my room is disgusting, with clothes and shopping bags strewn on the floor. but i bet you if you ask me where anything is, i can tell you the general vicinity of where it is...even if it is buried under a week's worth of laundry. don't tell me to pick up my shit when i have to sit in yours.
i know i'm far from being the perfect daughter. i know i really should spend more time at home and come home at decent hours. i know sometimes i spend too much money for my own good. but dammit, it's my own money, its not like i'm spending yours. i haven't asked you for anything more than shampoo and bus tickets over the past 4 years. and it's not as though i'm doing anything at 2 in the morning other than sitting on my ass in someone's house. and i'm sure i could be doing more things around the house IF i was home, but really, telling me the thousands of ways i did whatever it was wrong, isn't going to make me want to do it any more. if it's not one thing, she'll complain about another.
on another note: cow capes are the shit. my boyfriend would look great in one...standing in his shopping cart and all. whooosh.

its the little things

i know i haven't posted in a while...and really, this post will just be disappointing, especially after the long wait, but i think its needs to be said.  i know you don't read this and so maybe that's making doing this a little easier, but THANK YOU.  i know people may think its funny and/or just cute in a loser-y way, but i really appreciate that you really really just want to spend time with me...that you're willing to shake up and rearrange your whole schedule just so you get just a little bit of time.  i know in the past i've made it harder than it had to be, but you still tried.  it amazes me that you're still here sometimes...even after the freak outs and girly moments and the times when i havent been the easiest to deal with.  and re-reading this all makes me feel like a loser just writting it, but it something that just needs to get off my chest.

getting to know you...

so i know its been a while since i last posted. and it just seems that i never have the time to turn on this stupid machine and that nothing really big is happening.. but there is stuff to update you all on.
-im not totally hating the gap...but its almost time to quit. im trying to figure out when would be the best time to say something and how.. hmm
-im getting a new phone.. this sean guy who sold it to me seems uber nice.. he's personally delivering my phone to the office cause he had some problems ordering it. but yeah ill give you the new number once i get it.
-it makes me wonder how things are gonna be next year, when it's such a drama to even plan getting together to discuss a few things. i like how i was the one who was called inflexible when i was the one trying to work around other people's schedules. im sorry if i wasnt willing to let you take your sweet ass time doing whatever it was. cause we all know by the time it was all done, it would have been too late. excuse us, if people have work early the next morning and aren't willing to conform to you and haul ass across the city at 11 oclock at night. it would have been so easy if you had just called jackie and figured things out yourself.. instead of expecting me to figure it out for you. it sorta makes me want to move out even before moving in. but im still excited.
-i burned myself on a pop tart. it's true, the filling is incredibly hot. and when i say burned myself, i mean actually burned myself. my finger is still red and on the verge of blistering. here's a tip: if you take a pop tart out of the toaster and it starts to fall, for goodness sakes just let it fall to the floor and make a mess rather than trying to catch it. cause it will only cruble into a million pieces as it hits your hands and burn you and still make a mess on the floor as you gasp and grasp your fingers in pain.
-50 hours this week. and really, it's not so bad anymore.

spoiled

sometimes it's nice to be taken care of...even if just a little.
for the past few days, the boy has driven me to work after a hellish 8 hour day of his own. he really didn't have to. i take the bus all the time. but it made the day so much better knowing that someone was there that cared enough to even consider it. and even though to some, it may not be much, to me it means a lot...just cause my family sucks. excuse me while i swoon.. lol i think i found me a good one.

the major forms of oral discourse
and sometimes the cliches are true. sometimes you just don't know what you have til it's gone. but in this case, its more of an 'i'm glad i'm not in so and so's position'. hearing her talk about all her crap just made me more thankful for what i had. yes, its not ideal and there are a few rough spots here and there. but the important things...the things that in the end will be what matters are there. at the end of the day, i know that i could ask for anything.

it all seemed perfect. but one day she opened her eyes and realized things had fallen apart..that she had left everything she had known and moved to another city to start a new life. everything seemed to come as a package deal- and without the boy; the house, the dog, the life she had built, would also be gone.

five years no longer seems so far. we bonded about our young, girlish ideals. how we had everything on a timeline-approximate ages for marriage, the first kid by the time we're thirty (sidenote: does anyone else remember that full house episode where danny tanner the father, freaks out about turning thirty? wasn't DJ like already at least 10 then?), enough time to enjoy our retirement. she says time seems to be running out. and then it hit me...wow thats a lot to accomplish in the span of ten years. i mean even if you date someone for a couple of years and you realize that he/she's not the one, you've narrowed your window even further.

strange how when we were young, growing up took so long and now it just seems to be coming all to fast.


hmm and now looking over this post again, i realized that i went from one thought and sorta drifted to another..but that is the way it is...

so maybe i should have slept more than four hours before going into my 9 and a half hour shift today. i was in such a crappy mood and realized that i started to take it out on people. like the baguette lady..mer. but really, its not my fault if no one was there at the cash. i need some sleep and then i will be better. these past few weeks have been crazy.. but crazy in a good way i guess. ahhh

stripes
so now the hours have been upped to about 47 this week. 27 of them still to go.. ahhh. although im kinda hoping that they send me home early (cause really, wednesdays are usually dead), i also think what the hell am i doing anyways? might as well be earning that wonderful 7.65 an hour.. lol but you know what? im actually starting to like this place. it's true, a smaller staff does make a helluva difference.
speaking of the store. since it has gotten hot, and my jacob knits and old navy three quarter length shirts are no longer appropriate for the 30 degree weather, i have been having problems wearing things that look 'gap-ish'. lets face it, all of my t-shirts are pretty distinctly not gap. the ones that aren't screaming American eagle or bluenotes fake vintage are ones with felix the cat or a little yellow rubber duckie on them. and of course this meant shopping spree. but considering, it wasnt a huge shopping spree. 50% off makes a helluva difference.
i appreciate the dr.'s office so much more now. running around the office for 9 hours is much easier than being people's bitch in a retail setting for 5. it makes a helluva difference (haha i stuck that in again for consistency).

millions of peaches
i know this seems to be an ongoing topic for a lot of us, but im really thankful for these past few weeks. and although it hasn't been 'summer' in the same was as summer's past, we really should have ever expected it to be. get-togethers are far less emotionally driven. last year was all about the 'getting it all in before we separate' thing. there just doesn't seem to be that urgency anymore. and no matter what people tell you, its different when you dont see these people on a regular basis. things get awkward, phone calls that were once easy become more strange, simply because the times betweeen talking are only getting bigger. i don't need to be great with everyone, cause as expected the people i NEED to be with me are exactly where they should be. and although i see even these people far less than usual, i like that it's okay to only see them every so often and still be good.

sometimes people just need to suck it up. so what if youre missing out on shit. we all are. and its not just this year either. how many times have people not been able to come to parties or see others cause they had to pull a late shift at the store, or something like that? people need to start realizing that hey a lot of us would kill for an amazing job and gladly sacrifice a few of the impromtu get-togethers just so they know they will be financially sound for at least another school term. you can't complain and then not make an effort. you also can't complain about things you willingly volunteered yourself for.

i see it sometimes...how things have changed since the boy has come along. not saying that he took away from my life or anything, its been quite the opposite. but sometimes i cant help but sit back and wonder if i have indeed turned into one of those girls; one of those girls that i always didnt want to be. it gets confusing, the fine line between choosing your boyfriend over everyone else, and just choosing. i dont know how objective i am. i sometimes wonder if any of the other people feel as though they've lost part of me. i never wanted to do that, if that is the case. i never wanted to be one of those girls attached at the hip, who dragged or was dragged, in some sort of fused two-headed monster...or one of those girls who are stupid and cant function on their own. i guess things are different once you experience them.

sitting
it's a 44 hour week this week. but it's not looking so bad actually. 44 hours spread over the course of 7 days doesn't seem so bad at all. however, this does prevent me from visiting the house this weekend with jaxs. booo

sometimes all i need is a little freak out in the laundry room with a good friend. haha. the news was great and weird all at the same time. we'll see how this all reveals itself now wont we? im happy. well after the freaking out is now cleared away that is. but i still dont know what to say.

is it sad and old woman-ish that i am excited that i readvched the 34000 shopper's optimum point level? haha. whatever, that means free crap for me! yipeee


nothing much has happened. i didn't really want to post, just felt more obligated to than anything else. i think that's horrible.

while talking about birthday presents
mark: so what do you think i should get for beth? a plant? (he was half joking of course)
me: umm..how long have you been going out with beth now? i think maybe you should get her something more meaningful. a plant is the sorta thing that you give your aunt when she moves into a new house.
mark: lol...i got yoyo's mom a plant when she moved into her new house.
me: see! what you're saying is that beth and yoyo's mom are on the same plant-receiving level.
mark: well i won't get the same plant. i'll get a bigger and more colourful one. they can get pretty expensive!

sigh..oh mark.

so one more stupid question. is it only me or are the words 'computer' and flower' in all my posts seem to be links? maybe its just on my retard computer?

you can kiss my ass html
so even though i am computer stupid, i managed to figure out this blog thing on my own. oh man. so the comments are back and im feeling awesome, as i usually do after i conquer things like this. quite minor and insignificant to some, but a major accomplishment over here. *beams* however, what i won't tell you right off the bat was that it was largely trial and error. a lot of "hmm lets paste this over...here" and "hmmm....what happens if we delete...this". but i figure some form of thought had to be put into it..you know, with the choosing of what random thing to do and all. but thank you brian for trying. was almost going to give up.

so i tried
i got the comments back. i just couldnt get them into the right place. haha. oh man. i also restored matty's blog. the fun is over.

major discoveries
i was reading reader's digest at work, cause i was as bored as hell for a few hours and theres this article about pet fish and symptoms they exhibit when they are sick. so maybe my fish weren't just being weird, and were really sick. lol sushi used to sleep up at the top of the bowl with his fins all droopy. apparently thats a sign of lack of oxygen in the water and of skin irritation. stupid retarded london water. hmm or maybe it was the brita water... AND both fishes did this thing called a 'shimmy' where they would swim really fast, but stay in the same spot...think that mc hammer dance.. but for fishes. that's a sign of skin irritation as well. hmm

i used my masterful engineering skills to build me a giant cupcake. i burned my tongue on a hot knife. i am smart.

shopping with matty is very entertaining indeed. i think he may be one of the few guys who truly shops but isnt gay. but if youre ever getting discounts for him, remind him to shut up. he isnt very smooth at all. way to go future millionare.

summer hit me a few nights ago. petrina picked me up from work on saturday and the night was spent just finding out what people are up to, if anything. nothign was happening and it looked like a night at timmy's with the three (we got amanda too) of us in a girl gab fest.. but then the guys called and there was an impromtu late night breakfast at the station. summer is all about the improptu, last minute stuff that you least expect to happen.. sigh.
i am frozen and dreading work.. mer...

introducing...
if you're not busy, just thought you would like to check matty out.

trying
i am not computer savvy...well at least not as much as i thought. who am i kidding, i hate computers..lol. so can anyone tell me why the text on my new template fucks up everytime i try and add in the html for my blog comments link?

those are the strings pinocchio
this week has been a crazy blur of work, work, and more work. and although things seem to be falling apart for those around me, right now things for once, seem to be alright (for me at least). i dont know what it is but even though im busy and things aren't at all perfect, there is just a feeling of content.

i dont knw how long i can last doing this retail garbage again. yes its better that the store is smaller but its still selling shit i dont really care about. i watch some of these people and they're spewing out product knowledge and are selling these clothes in an almost super hero fashion. they just seem to fit the part if that makes any sense. i cant hide in this small store. i have no corners to slip away in. people are starting to secretly hate me cause i've taken their cash position. that's right, i overheard them talking. but a large part of me doesn't care..as long as im the one at cash, they can hate me all they want. but i think i can survive for another two months or so.. oh man.

fuschia ribbon
my room smells like flowers when you walk into it. it makes me smile. i will never understand what it is about flowers...but then again, maybe i dont think i want it to. things aren't the same when they start to make sense.

monday
-so yes i may have blew up and exploded on the worst day possible to blow up and explode..but i did. and i feel bad. and yeah. i'm sorry :(
-there is this little one year old boy named dylan and he is all things good and shiny and giggly wrapped up in a little baby package. dark curly hair, five little white teeth and a dimple on the left cheek is too cute of a combination to ignore even when you're sitting in a funeral. and yes we accidentally made him laugh while trying to secretly make faces at him, which isn't the most appropriate thing to do, but oh man, that kid is great.
-i'm glad i wouldn't have been the only one who would have been frustrated to no end with this whole.. um.. situation. and that is why we are what we are.lol and i would like to say that at least this tells me that i am somewhat normal and justified in my thinking, but really, just cause you agree, doesn't mean anything other than we are both ..mer. lol
-i'm trying to restore my room to some state of 'room', instead of living in the landfil that it is now.
-i am absolutly dreading this week of work. but i cant not work and i would be complaining about the boredom of doing nothing all day, every day eventually. so really, im just a big complainer. i just wish fairview wasnt so fricken far..
-finally changed ketchup and sushi's water. it was getting gross in there...to a point where i couldnt ignore the green sludge that seemed to be growing within their bowl. i couldn't even suck it out with the turkey baster. im assuming its algae that grew since the bowl's been sitting near the window..but eww the bowl itself was slimey. i did a full water change and washed everything clean, which i think might kill the fish since its such a drastic change of environment. but then again, ive done far worse to these fish and they seemed to have survived.
-sometimes i wonder if things are just changed around when they come out of your mouth because you dont want to admit to yourself or us that they are really that bad. but sometimes i think that you really think these dillusional things.

the sheppard room upstairs
let's just start off by saying OH MAN. so tonight was a lot more interesting than i had expected. i thought i could just go in and come out without being noticed by more than just a few, but apparently i was wrong. a certain cousin has a big mouth. it was a little bit overwhelming to say the least and those were just the cousins, not the scary adults with accents im not sure i will be able to understand. but in a way i think i needed to be introduced to the crazy..because maybe i was a little too far away from it and didn't even realize. it was nice to start putting some faces to names and desciptions... not that i remember any now that i think about it. but that moment of a bunch of them trying to tell me to save myself while i can before getting sucked into all the large family gatherings, despite to good food has become one of my new favourite memories.
and its nice just to know that he has told some people about me, not that i necessarily need him to right now, but its just nice to know..you know?. and even though im introduced as "that one" they seem to get it and understand that im not just a "friend", leading me to believe that i do mean something to him...something, whatever it is, big enough to not keep me hidden in a little box under a heavy sheet of doubt and uncertainty. i'm at least a little bit of a sure thing.

beep beep, beep beep, yeah.
so that whole business of getting a driver's liscence is now over with. phew. now i dont have to worry about taking any more of them tests and can drive with my hands wherever on the steering wheel they land, and can slide my seat all the way back and can do whatever the hell i want...that is until the stupid government brings back those driving tests every few years like they've been talking about. damn the man. lol

woah blogger is...different
-so just as i get on the nugget bus home today, i am amazed by the fact that the nugget was actually a new ttc bus, and not the crappy old ones that the toronto transit comission has probably retired, but still keep on the roads. so i sit down on one of those single seats still half surprised and think a bout how maybe finally the nugget bus is moving on up, just like how some of the shelters on the route are actually the nice ones now and not the crusty brown ones. then suddenly as the bus makes its first left turn the emergency window, which is apparently broken starts to flap back and forth and hit against the bus beside me. oh nugget bus...how i gave you too much credit..lol
-so the gap accepted my crappy availability, and yes i am working with brian's sister. at first i didn't want to ask if she was brian's sister cause they really really really don't look alike at all.
-even though i thought that once school ended, i would be living at a slower, more relaxed paced, but things seem to be as busy as ever. i dont know what it is really... im tired already and its only 9:30...sigh

maybe i'm amazed
-sometimes it surprises me what he knows. after all these years of minimal communication and half-assed attempts at 'normalcy' (whatever that is), who would have thought that maybe he has me a little figured out afterall. it wasn't as though what he said completely shocked me or anything, because afterall, it was pretty dead on. but that fact that he noticed was weird to me because even though it's something pretty damn obvious, i just didn't think he cared to notice. and a part of me hates thats he noticed at all. leave it up to him to find yet another weakness of mine to wave in my face. hmm maybe then again, maybe it isn't such a surprise.
-i know i'm sounding like moo right now, but that paul mccartney song on the finale of the oc while everyone was dancing, being sung by that woman....just kinda spoke to me. not sure what it was about it, but there was something... haha watch, this will be the ONE song that didn't speak to vanessa.. haha 10% moment.
-so if any of you are out of town university students and want to get a job, just straight out lie about your university or say something about how youre transfering to a toronto school...cause really, finding a place that is willing to hire you just for the summer is a bitch.
-i got the second job....but i may lose it again cause of stupid large companies and their stupid computer scheduling system. geez i'll do the freakin scheduling for you.. working every other wednesday can't be that difficult of a concept. but i think it might be for the stupid computer.
-we're just so fricken busy... all of us. this will also take some getting used to. and even though i was supposed to see you lots this summer to make up for everything...i really dont think thats happening...well at least not as much as we both initally thought.
-i can't tell if im hungry or full anymore.. sigh. im soo messed up.

paper yard waste bags-two tough plies
so im back and i've already realized the half the things i have planned for summer are obviously not happening. for instance, i wanted to rearrange my room a bit, so that when i move out, im not leaving it in a total jumbled mess. my concept of cleaning was sometimes shoving things into the corner of the closet. i want to start getting rid of all the old magazines. really, when am i going to read a seventeen magazine from 1997 again? im sure those hot fashion finds will be great. i want to donate all those clothes from grade school that i am clearly not going to wear but just kept cause they still technically fit. i wanted to also get this ebay thing started up. and even though i am doing absolutly nothing now, the mound of boxes that occupy the corner of my basement looks just a little too overwhelming. if i could, i would just lounge all summer. damn this stupid job thing. oh i wish i didnt have to work. andmaybe yoyo is right. maybe this whole uncertain job situation i am in is getting me a bit down. i didnt realize it til he said it i guess. but yeah its not about going back to the office, its about knowing i may not have enough after the summer is over and done with. i am scared to check my bank account right now. i dont want to see the remnants of what remains after that first rent check goes through tomorrow.

rounding the corner
-there's just one more. and i think it's going to be harder than i anticipated. and hearing how everyone's last exams were the worst ones ever doesn't help
-HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEANETTE!!! although officially...im still older than you.
-selling textbooks is the greatest thing ever. even though you can only sell ...like two cause its hard to part with them at such a low price knwoing how much you spent on them initially. but money is money sometimes.

minor underwear shortage scare
came in to change after my morning shower and as I peered into the underwear drawer, I had a mild panic attack. Somehow the few pairs of underwear left didn't look like enough to last me the rest of my stay here even though I made sure last laundry day that there were. And with absolutely no money left on the ol' laundry card( in fact, I'm not even sure where I dumped it), I was thinking...Oh shit. But after a quick count, turns out I'm in the clear *phew*

who knew that something as simple as me looking at my fishies while they are sleeping like the sometimes five year old that I am could make you so happy. Everyone needs to feel that special.

the end is just getting closer. I get sad when I see the cars lined up in front of our rez with family members shoving in a year's worth of stuff into their family sedans with first years elated simply cause they're done school. Its not even getting out of here anymore, cause here is fine. I wouldn't mind staying another two weeks if there were only lectures and labs and whatnot. But because they're exams, and even though its only a week left, it just means so much more...the leaving and all.

so I am glad I'm staying the extra day even though I really don't have to. I found Dan, he's done and apparently not dead. Haven't seen him much since we ended first semester calc and decided on skipping psych for the rest of the year together. We've got a date when I'm done my last exam. Gonna roam around London and catch a movie or something and oh most importantly, I'm probably gonna get fed! real food too.. haha and I may sound obese but I really really miss real food (ie: potatoes not from a box and pasta sauce that actually contains something like meat, instead of just being red sauce) and maybe, just maybe I can convince him to come back and help me pack up my box. But then again, maybe I kinda want to do that alone, play India Arie (and other girls who are bitchy/inspired/womanly) and have some 'me' time...

I have never not understood something in my entire life so much. Apparently linear algebra is right up there with life's other mysteries...things like "the meaning of life". Some things will never fully make sense....ever.

morning of chem ramblings
im here eating my oatmeal and although i didnt fall asleep last night til about 2 just cause i couldnt sleep as always, i am surprisingly awake; not in the death to me, zombie state i was expecting as i rolled over and saw that 1:50 was displayed on the clockradio. can't say im really ready for this either, but i'm not totally scared of it, so i guess that's a good thing right? fed the fish their breakfast..well actually their breakfast, lunch and dinnner combined.. hmm getting fed once a day must suck..especially considering i feed myself like 10 times.. lol

another bede kid got shot.. looks like we're an endangered species...that or we're just that super ghetto

the vert
so its official...i don't have the job that would have made summer and the following year of paying rent soo easy, I wouldn't even have to think too much about budgeting. But maybe it was too easy. Although I was extremely upset, im over it now. a part of me knows that maybe it just wasn't the right time. every time I have really needed a job, I found one relatively easily. Yes it was hell trying to find that elusive first job, but i got it the day of my first interview..and at 7 an hour too.. then when i knew i wasn't going to be able to survive there much longer with school coming and all, Old Navy came. and when when the hours at the store were getting a little too much and too unpredictable for my OAC workload, the nice little two days a week office job came. So maybe my time at the office isn't done with. And a part of me is thinking that maybe i can finally get this waitressing job i've been thinking about since I was a kid (yes it was waitressing and anything having to deal with a cash register which were my main two 'teenage' jobs..lol) and I'll try and balance the whole two part time jobs thing. I don't even mind going back to a store...even if its the Gap cause they pay me pretty well there and plus discounts. we'll see...honestly i think I'll just throw myself at whoever takes me.

creatures
it was supposed to thunderstorm all day. the rain has yet to fall. everything smells muggy...like earthworms and humidity and soil sorta muggy. and in the hallway, this smell of muggy mixes with the smells of the boys across the hall and it makes a whole new, equally interesting and unpleasant odour. speaking of odours, our bathroom smells. it doesn't smell like anything i can pick out.. not pee or anything...just smells dingy i guess. i don't understand it, we just got cleaned. but in the back of my mind i always believed that we never really get 'cleaned' no matter what janitor walt does with his magic mops and cloths because we're always cleaned after the boys across the hall and well, as nice and fun as they are, theyre also boys..lol and yeah just thinking about that whole taking a bath in someone else's bathwater thing is making me creeped out.

thud
i am still amazed at how you always know the things to do or the right things to say when i really need you. that scene from scrubs hits me again...you know cause when you really need someone they're there without you even asking. a lot has changed since that awkward october weekend, but all the underlying, important things have remained the same. last night made me see a lot of things i couldn't or even maybe didn't let myself see, you know, just in case. but yes ladies, i think i've fallen.

swimming...but not literally
im smiling...
-because you called just to say goodluck
-because just when i thought you fell off the face of the earth, surprise email
-because TA buddies are still important
-because the first one wasn't the horrible mess i thought it might be
-because for once it didn't snow or rain today. and the sun is shining and it is BEAUTIFUL outside and because i think i can finally open up my window without freezing my ass off
-because people care enough to wake me up...just in case
-because i'm feeling sorta fat, but i really don't care
-because bio is hidden away now and wont be seen for a good little while...and soon i wont ever have to look at math or physics again.
-because i won a free granola bar.. lol

while i was awake in the middle of the night last night, i thought of something really interesting that i wanted to post. it's forgotten now. i don't even know for sure if it was interesting at all in fact, but at the time it was genius. does my mind just work more creatively in the middle of the night like that or do things just seem better cause im just out of it? hmm and so this post was pointless and not only have i bored you with my ramblings, youre all mad cause this was a tease of a post. admit it.

liquid
so the last week of classes were really not a week of classes at all cause I skipped almost all of them to go home, mainly to see the boy. and yes, even though it was nice seeing you girlies, it's different with the boy...I dont know why or how but it just was. I know I am backwards and came back just when everyone is leaving for the long weekend, but I guess I am just odd like that and I also needed to study, and really, none of this studying could have been done earlier than that block of time that is considered cramming, so I might as well have left while I could. I also went to give out a few resumes...although I help back at some of the places that I originally was thinking of applying. I just really have a bad feeling about this social services job. Enough of a bad feeling to make me dig up that stupid resume and cover letter file again and update it for the different places. And I also think I've come to terms with the fact that I might be stuck at the ortho office again...but I'll deal and really, a part of me still thinks that things happen for a reason. And although I still do have control over my own destiny for the mostpart, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.

Also thinking about how although it is nice to have the suite to ourselves (ourselves being me and jaxs), it is ruined by the fact that we are stuck in our own little boxes forcing ourselves to study.. ewww.

the jellow shooters are calling me. J-E-L-L-O

staring blankly
I've been watching the fish; and for two little shiny orange, snake skin-like (yes I've touched them), bugged eyed, wiggly nuggets of creatures, they are quite amusing. it's like they knew they had to be weird for me to like them. one sleeps constantly at the surface of the water, with his fins all droopy and plays dead. he also sleeps vertical just floating there, and face down in the rocks. he's great. sometimes i think they swim a little drunk. maybe it's the london water. algae is starting to grow on the plant. there's a lot of fishshit, now that i look at it. hmm i guess i should go clean that right? lesson for the day: when there seems to be more shit on the bottom of the bowl than rocks, it's a clear indication that maybe, just maybe you should change the water. oh and second lesson for the day: using a turkey baster to clean out a fishbowl is genius...pure genius.

goldfish flakes
i can't wait to have mismatched dishes like friends circa 1994, before they had money for anything and a cutlery set that leaves soemthing to be desired. i can't wait for nights of eating crackers for dinner because i was just too damn lazy to cook. i can't wait to sit down at an actual kitchen table and have a 'family' dinner for the first time in who knows when. i'm looking forward to the nights of coming home late from that part time job just so i can afford water. i wanna decorate my room and make it mine. i wanna have our tests that we horribly failed, hung up proudly on the fridge with my ikea magnets. i wanna go through the fridge every once in a while with everyone and scream at the things that have turned furry and green and have started to make its own gasses. i wanna be forced to learn how to fix a leaky pipe, a sweaty toilet, or how to rewire the house.. lol. it's the part of getting older that i have been picturing in my head since i was little. and yes some things may suck, but its just one of those things i think people should have to deal with at one point or another. a part of growing up. shit adds character.

and sometimes i wonder.. where's mine

PUCCA'D
it is rainy outside. it is almost 9 o clock. i want to crawl back into bed with sting ray.

BUT i did get pucca'd today.. which kinda scared me at first in a "what the hell is this and when did it happen" sorta way. i assumed it was jackie, i just didnt know how she could have done it without me noticing last night. i then remembered how i just came back from the shower.. oh jackie. but it was very entertaining. they were abosolutly everywhere!

summersaults
i've come to 'see' more and more the degredation of some of these highschool friendships. not that anything happens directly, but you start to recognize who is there for the long haul and who is there just because. there are no longer numerous conversations and so the infrequent ones are the ones that you judge everything on. despite the fact that you and i are supposed to be friends, you only talk to me when you want to know something specific about my life. maybe this has been the case all along but i saw you on too much of a regular basis to notice. you only start the conversations when you've read or heard something and want the story from me. honestly, if you cared that much, you would have kept up all along. i think i've had enough.

at least have the decency to tell me what you really think. if you're going to use me to satisfy your need for gossip then at least respect me that much.

tumbling over
today was the first day this semester that i clocked in all 8 hours of my 10-9 hell tuesday. the last one of its kind too. phew. tuesday and tuesday alone hs made me realize the importance of good scheduling. and i vow to not screw up next year's like those stupid academic counsellor people screwed me over this year. honestly now, night labs are bullshit. but i guess my brain does work better then as opposed to 9 am. oh how lazy i have gotten.
this past weekend at home was amazing and it gave me a little taste of summer. i needed the surprise visits, the laid back days of no plans and impromtu eating and shopping, giggles with my girlies, and some time with the boy.
it is true, we are growing up fast. remember when we would talk about who we would move in with, who would be in our wedding party as bridesmaids, where we are going to move once out of university and so forth? its weird now because now its just not talk; pretty soon people are moving and paying rent...and in a few years, we might get an invitation to a wedding or find out someone is living in budapest. it's all becoming real now. makes me wanna just stand back for a second and look....figure out how i got here.

putting in contacts
just when i think im spending the whole day at home trying to do some much needed homework, its nice to get a phone call from someone who is kidnapping (well more like rescuing) me from my work. and then after only getting ten minutes to get ready and doing the best i could considering i was in pajamas and all home-y, coming out feeling gross to someone with a big smile on their face telling me im beautiful. makes me want to not be so far away even more.

whale noises
-and we dealt with it like adults. and i know this may be cliche of me to say but sometimes i really do think things happen for a reason. we're both figuring things out and i think i like it, even though its a bumpy road we travel on.
-i didnt try out for soph like i was supposed to but i really dont want it that badly and really 60 people out of 280? why am i bothering wasting those 5 hours of my life?
-last chem lab today..no more chem lab partner who i want to hit upside the head after every second word she says.
-im gonna be really busy the next few weeks just because tests seem to be a common theme...and i have no motivation to care.
-i really really really want this job. the money would be so great right now. if only i had any indication of how many people are taking this "test".
-hmm you know how were having brunch on sunday...how about hardcore chinatown dimsum anyone? haha ive been having cravings for those shrimp dumpling things.

i swear the air is funny here
i should be downstairs working out. but instead i sit here...blobby

things your mom never told you
there are just some things that you do even though a girl says "its okay". i never thought i would be one of those girls that says one thing and really hopes for another, but turns out i am... i think we all have done it at one point. .. i know it sucks, but it comes with the territory.
sometimes i feel guilty for feeling disappointed...and only because the things i seem to be disappointed about to me re petty and stupid. its not often that i feel this way, just creeps up on me every once in a while. really, a relationship shouldnt be based on things like these anyways. i just wonder sometimes if i was expecting too much or perhaps there is more out there that actually fulfills this "need" i seem to have... i'm not one of those people who are into celebrating monthly aniversaries....i dont need these things.. and i really dont think i want to celebrate so much...it's like we're comfortable with eachother already.. a little too comfortable. i see others sometimes and i know i shouldn't compare, but i do... i can't help it. sometimes it feels as though i've missed out on something. not something essential, but something nonetheless.
there are some things i will never ask you to do for me, but will always hope will be done. to tell you the truth, i thought some of these things would have been accomplished by now (hmm accomplished being the wrong word to use but i cant think of any other rightnow)... and really how can i expect people to read my mind right? its just nice to have things done without having to tell someone. because it's not the same when i know you did it cause i told you so. i go through such highs and lows with you... i think too much sometimes, letting my brain do all that wandering isnt so good...i wish you would think less sometimes, being so rational isnt always what's best. it merely leads to a lot of "i would have"s and "i was going to"s.
im still waiting... and wondering.

anywhere but here
i want to live someone else's life for a while, not that mine is all that bad, i think i just need a change. im bored of it all already...its becoming too routine. i'm sitting on my lazy ass with no motivation to do anything...what have i done this past week?
i have to stop skipping so many classes...its at a point where its not even just going to them thats the pain, i just dont want to be there at all. i went to class today to pick up my midterm and any other normal human being would have just stayed for the lecture since i was already there, but i left just because i really did not want to sit through another algebra lecture THAT much and so i walked right back home. soo lazy...must get motivated..
i'm feeling a little too insecure right now...not about anything specific..just things in general. i hate feeling insecure. make it go away...

i just wanted to say thank you...
i know things haven't always worked out with us, but the fact that i can't wipe this smile off my face still must count for something.

i swore she said a cat
i never really understood it when people had to drink to just get their mind out of a certain situation..but i think i finally get it. i dunno there was just something and i had to get something down so i could not be so bothered by it you know?
i dont like it when people depend too much on me. im not saying i wont do things for you, but its when they in a way expect it constantly because you are incapable of taking care of yourself. if you find a hair in your food, why are you giving it to me to take back? really, youre a big 20 year old now. if you dont know what the name of a drink is and youre standing RIGHT next to me at the bar, why are you asking me to ask the bartender what it is? its things like that. i was so damned annoyed and yes i feel bad and yes i was being super bitchy and even when asked to get them drinks i was like hell no, when normally it would have been no big deal... i must have seemed like the biggest alcoholic bitch....but im sure youre not like that with her. with her youre chivalrous and kind and you go out of your way to do things so i know youre not just a spineless good for nothing, but sometimes with me, i just wanna smack you and tell you to grow up.

all in all it was a good night! happy st. patricks day.

collecting trinkets along the sand
-whenever we talk about the future, we seem to make sure we tell ourselves that it might not get to that point. i think im comfortable with it that way. like yeah i can see it but on the otherhand, i don't expect it to happen you know what i mean? a part of me feels as though i have gained so much, and other part of me feels as though im missing out on something. what? i dont know. but its true three years is a loong time. who knows. if we do actually make it through..wow that would be something alright.
-sometimes people dont meet your expectations. maybe your expectations were too high. i dunno i guess the picture was just a little different in my head. but if anything, things make a lot more sense now....things fit better in my head.
-im still trying to decide if i want to do this soph thing... as fun as it sounds next year, it has its crappy parts this year. come up with a cheer on the spot? im really not cool with doing that. and then to deal with freshmans who think their too cool to join along? hmm maybe ill just feed them alcohol and candy.. my group will be the peppiest.
-apprently according to cosmo, a lot of people have third nipple and dont know it because it looks like a freckle. needless to say after reading that, i did a mental scan of my body. hmm do you think the one on my arm counts? lol
-schools just one big, complicated countdown now. merely a tally of all the tutorial sessions, labs and lectures i have to go to.
-i think my roomate is a closet racist..so closet she doesnt even know herself.. its always the black people who she points at and goes.. he bothers me, but i dont know why.
-Happy St. Patricks Day! date with linds at the pub for lunch and then out with who knows who.

a slice if the T.O.
the brian and matty show proved to be quite entertaining. oh man i wish you guys were all here. i am actually looking forward to having these two around all the time..they are great.
jaxs, i and the roomies brought them to the drink, one of london's sketchy little nightclubs. but its sooo western so we had to bring them you know? but watching them dance and falling cause of their drunkeness and seeing them do things that they dont remember or in fact regret after they sobered up was hilarious. oh matty...brian tried to warn you.. lol

on the phone
you know someone is a keeper when they sit in their house for about two hours describing each page of the yearbook to you over the phone just because youre sad that you can't get yours til april. it was great fun.

Yes!
and i am one more step closer to that full time summer job! score!

crossing my fingers
i really don't want to jinx it, but i really, really, REALLY hope its sitting there waiting for me.

monster
i was rereading a few of my blog entries from 2001 out of complete boredom and i stumbled upon a long one written around christmas time. it was about how i was missing out on christmas because i didnt get to go to montreal that year. and it was kinda funny in my head how although so many things have changed, that's the one thing that has remained the same-the screwed-upness of my family. i would have thought those two would have gotten a divorce my now. i would have thought that i would have cracked by now, gotten put into one of those white jackets and lead into an institution where i make friends with angelina jolie. i would have thought that all those threats i heard a little too often as a child would have actually materialized into something. i've always wondered if it was more beneficial for my brother and i to live as we do than if they had gotten an actual divorce. they might as well have been, the house is practically divided into two sides and although unsaid, there has always been two sets of rules, depending on who was home or in view at the time. amazing what little kids learn to pick up on on their own. and its always bothered me that they're relationship was harming my future ones. that because of them i wouldnt know how to communicate, to compromise, to show love. i was scared of the whole family life and the fact that these things tend to continue through the generations didnt help. in that post i wrote "do i want to procreate and spread the garbage around?" and i still somtimes wonder. i wonder where im gonna screw up, where all those things ive tried so hard not to affect me is suddenly gonna come rushing back. i had to work at not being afraid; work at not running away from things because im scared to get in too deep. i had to work hard at not cringing everytime something was said not pertaining to the near future. ive had to work on a lot of things. lets just hope it wasnt for nothing. i hate feeling fragile.

making hot cocoa
and with the passing of those three exams, a new sense of ease has rushed over me. i'm just waiting this year out. only about a month more of lectures and labs and tutorials. now its just the regular routine of labs and tests and whatnot til april.

it is one thing to be 50 year old man with a pony tail down to the small of your back its another thing when youre a balding 50 year old man with a pony tail down to the small of your back. more hair length doesnt not make up for lack of it on top. kind of like dharma's dad on dharma and greg...soemthing fincklestein. but this prof's was longer.

i have decided to spend 10 bucks to photocopy this linear algebra solutions manual and shit this 50 something dollar book back to amazon.ca. i am seriously not paying 50 something dollars for a book im using for a month and a half for a course i will never in life need again.

i need to clean my room. its still disgusting from the studying and from the not caring about anything else that comes witht he studying. shit is strewn everywhere. and i cant find anything i need cause its been thrown in a corner somewhere after i used it last.

i feel kinda restless... i wanna come over to play. but right now that's simply a little too far. even for an ang adventure.

you try not to get yourself disappointed.
you tell yourself to not get your hopes up.
you make sure that in your head you know it may not happen.
you try and convince yourself that the option wasn't even there in the first place.
but that sinking feeling is always there.
no matter what

and everybody was kung-fu fighting
i came back with a cold. seems like reading week wore me out more than school does...lol
i've been styding like a machine. three exams this weekend. bio, psych, and linear algebra are swimming in the goo that is my brain right now. oh man i can't fit it all in...this is going to be something, but i will be uber proud if i do manage to pull this off.

today we were talking about someone who basically has it made right now...doesnt have to worry about paying for school (its been saved up for them for years now), has a well paying job, doesnt have a crazy parent bearing down on them or restricting them....basically as free as a bird, except for a bit of nagging once in a while. i just thought that if i hd a well paying job and didnt have to worry about money, i would try and get my ass outta my house instead of spending it on some thousand something dollar gadget. i know material things arent everything, but why can't you be even a bit happy with your life? youre not in a sitution where youre working your ass off, only to find out you cant make tuition...youre not in a sitution where your parents are jail wardens condemning you to a life of hermitcy (is that even word?). you don't even have to worry about waking up early to take the ttc, or cooking for yourself or even doing your own laundry im sure. i dont understand and i guess if not having all those things in my life is a tradeoff for me being relatively happy with everything right now, than i guess its a tradeoff i'm good with. i just dont understand how you work sometimes...cant appreciate anything.

you dont understand how great only a month more of school sounds right now. yeah im not counting exams, because they don't count. i just dont want to get up for lectures and go to three hour labs and juggle the seemingly unending slew of tests. and spring is here..birds are chirping when i get up and the sun is shining and yes i choose to ignore the fact that now that it has stopped snowing, the continual rain we had in the fall before the snow will come back once again.

at the finish line
as expected, i did only a fraction of the work i had convinced myself i would do over this break...and i might be in trouble because of it. we'll see by next weekend i guess when the three exams hit all at once. seeing everyone thursday night was great. drinks, friends, mardi gras beads..what more could a girl ask for? it was a new experience dancing with the boy cause ive never really done it before..well at least with a boy i wanted to dance with (eww sasquatch). too bad he's not around more often its different when you actually have someone there you know and not just the friends around you. all the things i am discovering now that i should have been experiencing years ago.
i got to see mostly everyone i wanted to even if it was just for a little while. from just lounging around eating chinese food and cake with amanda to sitting on a couch watching tlc with yoyo to seeing everyone eat a gross amount of wings to trying to bowl to last minute sleepovers to last night in town dinners to drunken nights to running around the halls of mary ward again to dinner with mommy to just sitting there staring at you...im greatful for every moment of it. and now i must go because i have somehow become disgustingly sick and i know its like a quarter to ten but im going to get ready for bed.