wow that performance was... somewhat lacking

why is it taking olp so long to show up on kraig kilborne? dont they know i'm getting sleepy?

my self-indulgent bitch
i'm kinda surprised at how insecure i have been lately - insecure with my body image, insecure with my sense of self, insecure with what i am becoming. but really, i should have expected this, because like clockwork, it comes every year as my birthday approaches and i dont know why... but for some reason this year, it came a bit earlier than before. i guess its a time where you kinda look back and see what you have done.. see what's wrong and needs to be fixed, basically take stock of my life. it's not that i'm unhappy, because i like how everything turned out.. i like my friends, i like my accomplishments, i wouldnt really change anything.. well there could always be a few minor adjustments in a few areas (and if you know me well enough, you'll know where..lol)

i've never been one to worry too much about how i looked... i would see girls with their leggy, toned, slim figures or watch britney spears flaunt her abs and seductive hour-glass figure and like any other girl, i wished that i could look more like that, but then quickly got over it. i wouldnt ever starve myself or anything simply because i didn't care about it all that much. i was okay with who i was. but lately i can tell that i'm more fixated on these things; not to a point of where i am depriving myself, but i'm begining to notice that i care more. i look at myself in the mirror more and stress about how certain things fit or wonder why i'm not proportioned the way i want to be. it hasn't just been a physical thing either. i'm starting to find that certain things i do are really annoying and wonder how anyone could have endured them for so long. i see certain habits or parts of me that are really ugly and that i dont like and want to change. i start to think more about the way i act and how these actions are seen and taken by others. and while all of this is going through my head, i am having the greatest time with everyone, which makes me wonder how i can be so happy, yet so disappointed.

went out for a bite afterwork with some people. It was a nice change from the faces I see everyday..even though i do kinda see them often. It's kind of surreal when you begin realizing how small the world really is. You find out how close people were to you, without you even knowing it all those years ago and you look back and wonder why you were never friends before. I think they think my dad is racist.. or super crazy because i wouldnt let them into my house.. lol i dont want him seeing my friends, its awkward. They even knew the boy next door, who i have never spoken a word to for the ten years i was living here. But today, while we were all sitting doing nothing in the car, the next door boy comes onto my driveway and totally says hi to my friend.. and i think to myself.. wow.. i wonder if my next door neighbour even knew i existed before this moment.
They brought out a different side of me. one that i didn't really like. It's not that I was totally different from what i normally am, because if this had all happened a week ago, i wouldnt have mind. its just because of recent revelations i guess you can call them. hmmmm...

had extremely weird conversation with friend last night.. i can't remember that last time i was so uncomfortable. however, it did clear the air and it turned out okay, so in the end i guess it was good that it happened? it kinda gave me a lot to think about - how i see people, how i see them seeing me, how i treat other people and act around them.. how do you change without people noticing that you've changed?
anyways, girl day with petrina turned out great! we got so much done in one day. i even got a dress for the wedding in september and possibly a semi dress. its really pink and with flowers, and even though semi is usually very formal and dark, i think im gonna try and pull it off.. i'll be the spring princess amidst all the dark winter people.. lol we'll see, it was only 20 bucks.. also got a shirt (it was a little more expensive though).. anyone wanna pay for it??.. it'll be like my birthday present.. lol okay fine dont.
we went to nine different places today.. it was nice, although dorky fun.. need to get my pictures developed. i;ve had this roll for about a month, which is a long time for me... lol
i'm off almost all week this week!!! monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday!!!! hehehehe but then two 9 hour shifts following that.. ugh!!

hurrah! have made plans for tomrrow with petrina, who i have not seen recently. and tonight, although i thought i was doing nothing, turned out to be an adventure, albeit a tiny one. so i go out for dessert, with yoyo and frances and KENJI! yes KENJI!! so if you know me, we already have some sort of idea what kind of an adventure it was. was it wrong for me to consider not going just because he was going to show up? was it wrong for me to make a smart alec remark after everything he said? was it wrong for me and yoyo to exchange knowing glances after every one of his annoying gesture or comment make by one of us, oozing with hidden meaning? no, because i was good. it could have been a lot worse. but it wasnt too too bad, despite the fact that i may have looked like i wanted to make myself so small that i would magically disappear (according to a certain someone).. hahah thank you

wow, everything i planned to do is now changed.. hmm.. oh well
tomrrow's petrina and ang day: coldplay ticket getting via internet, getting petrina's b-day present, sandy lion sticker factory (yes we are SUCH kids), swiss chalet, visit jeanette?

yesterday
what started as a draining day, which left me feeling unappreciated, over looked, and taken for granted...turned around later that night and slowly left me feeling loved and treasured. funny how things work out.

i wanted to get one of those digital fridges.. but i can't register... its www.digitalfridge.com can anyone figure out how to get a new account? i dont think they are taking any new users.. boo

plans..
tomrrow:
-ice cream date with mr. robinson.
-shopping with lis
-yoyo's house
-dinner with lis chez ang?
-tennis with jaxs and lis and luke?
- a visit to shoppers to see a special someone (jeanette)?

friday:
-work
-friday night date with petriners?
-sleep over?

saturday:
-coldplay ticket getting? (i'm not even sure if i wanna go)
-day dedicated to correspondence. since im not going to the debooze, might as well be productive and make sam proud.

i needed today. thank you jeanette, sam, and brendan. but maybe without the annoying world youth day people. the hot ones can stay though.. lol

personal
sometimes people frustrate me so much. and really, its not even their fault, because they are probably just acting normal, and i am probably just being really sensitive. even the little things in normal everyday conversations, that i know wouldn't normally bug me, drive me insane. it may be just because this past while has been really emotionally straining, i'm just irritable because i haven't slept well the last few nights, or the fact that my period is coming. nevertheless, i need a break from certain people and i need to get out more with the people i havent seen in a while - this sounds bad, but sort of like a rotation of friends.

work
the good news: found out this week that the girl i dont like is leaving. was able to have a long conversation with french boy. a certain ass didnt get the job. also made manager proud of me cause i was in the denim shop on saturday and our top selling item was bootcut jeans (i'm pretty sure she previously thought i was a selling failure).
the bad news: yes i'm good at selling, FOR THAT ONE DAY. but manager does not understand and that one day of success has landed me permanently in women's denim and away from my beloved cash register. there could also be another reason for the change, maybe i did something incredibly wrong and they had to move me somewhere (my paranoid thoughts at work but both situations are still bad, perhaps one more than the other, now that i think about it.. lol).
the possible solution(s): as i sorted through the piles of hell today, i was contemplating what would result if i just talked to my manager. i wanted to ask her exactly why i got booted off of cash island. was also thinking about updating resume and submitting it to shoppers, where it is cash all day, every day but the people working there are not as awesome.

school
yeah well, lets just say that this isnt happening.. lol
but do appreciate sam for trying to motivate me.

family
realtionship with family unit improving. its probably because we spend so little time together, that we do nothave time to get on eachother's nerves. it works and i'm fine with sticking to what works.

miscellaneous
-am incredibly mad at myself for lack of g2 and the fact that i dont have parents that stay up past 11.
-have found that if you add sugar covered raisins to anything, i will eat it, even bran flakes.

you think everything is going great and suddenly it hits you. and no, it doesn't really affect you personally, but it still hurts. it's one of those things that makes you grounded once again from whatever high you were just on.

and although i was wondering why it took so long for me to find out, he called me himself and told me and wanted to do this, and wow.. something has got to be said for that, because if i were in his shoes i would hope that my friends would magically know what to do cause i sure wouldnt.

im shaved, and pumiced and buffed. i am soft and i got more of the moisturizer i really like. i'm 150 dollars poorer thanks to alana, but i really dont mind that much. i got my very first eye makeup compact (with four shades of colours).. and still dont know what to do with it.. but intend to one day find out. i ate like a high-class working mother: druxy's pasta salad and a smoothie from cultures. i got my mall discount card (yay me). i got a raise. still wondering if i should go to shoppers where all i have to do EVER is cash instead of trying to be friendly and helping people... ugh. am excited for wednesday full of semi-hall exploring and dinner with my graduates!

good bbq at emmanuel's last night. wasn't anything big or incredibly exciting, just nice to see everyone together again. it was funny and i realized how much i missed everyone together like that. like when we found out no one really knew how to use the BBQ, we all thought we did, but never actually used a charcoal one before and everyone was just adding lighter fluid and charcoal and matches.. lol.. lets just say there were flames.. and billowing smoke.. not enough to start a serious fire, but enough for us all to stare at it and think uh oh.. yesterday's realization: i'm not a bad football thrower (most of the time) i can't get a lot of distance, but my football sprials and goes straight and everything!! was a proud and sporty moment for ang.. even caught the ball while running.. miami dolphins here i come!! hahaha
i got a new phone!!! its so pretty... my new number is on my old phone, which will be given to my brother in a couple of days so dont call it anymore after.. monday? i finally joined a plan, evenings and weekends free, so as part of a deal, my dad paid for the cell phone..it was kinda a birthday present as well... and i promised him that during those free times, i would use my phone and keep my house line free.. because he seems to consider me the phone devil...and im thinking, all this to avoid getting call waiting? so yeah call me i need love.. lol

talked to sam s.p today, which was lovely cause i havent seen or heard from this girl in a while. we were supposed to do soemthing, but laziness and a lack of good ideas stopped us. everyone's in summer school!! that or at work.. ahem sam!!
i am itching to go out.. somewhere thats not work or the mall.. that reminds me.. jeanette when are you working cash so i can pick up pictrues? im excited
also, starting to freak out because i cant seem to find my yearbook.. anyone seen it?

so anyone wanna do something saturday and let me sleepover?? cause a whole snotload of people are coming to stay and they will take over my room and the rest of the house and i dont feel like being around an extra 6 people i dont know who i am sure i will have to spend time with. please take me in *puppy face*

i feel like i'm being changed..not in a naturally occuring kinda way that everyone goes through.. i mean in a purposeful, molding kinda way. well maybe not changed, but they want me to change. i can feel it. but im too stubborn to give in cause i know what's going on.

hey all you people from ward who still read this, especially graduates.. do any one of you remeber a chick named mirabelle?
tell me if you do.. now off i go to find somethng to prepare for the bbq

The name of Andrea gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

true, except for the poetry and nature part..

looking through cell phone and cell phone plans.. geez.. im almost willing to pay the extra money i'm wasting on my prepaid phone just to NOT go through this.

i know it's late, but before i go, just wanted to leave you with this. go to previous entries and click back with the arrows on top. you're gonna fall in love with this boy, i guarantee it

although i might have missed beach day today, it was a pretty good day for ang. work, although it started at 9 in the morning and i was stuck in fits, went by really, really fast and plus the people with me were ones i liked. lol
the highlight of today? doing training that involved us trying on ALL the types of jeans we have.. yes, even the womanly, big-hipped, tapered ones.. lol it was so funny as we all came out of the dressing rooms with our different styles and saw how gross we all looked. things learned today:
-all ON jeans look like shit on me..
-even the short legged ones are too long, much to my manager's amazement
-boys should not wear bootcut jeans, especially if you have chicken legs and are short... they just look like flares.
-starting to develop tiny crush on cute french boy... he is nice and funny and has an adorable nervous laughter when he talks. just found out he is my age which makes it even better.. has aspirations to be a lawyer and has a condo in montreal.. fluent in french and sometimes has a slight accent when he says certain words..*swoons* bonus: also has sister working at montanna's who is in charge of side dishes like that incredibly yummy garlic bread *drools* what more can a girl want? lol
btw, the greatest thing in the world right now is breyer's feature flavour of the month: strawberry shortcake swirl... mmmm. think mcDonald's mcflurry with less cookie...but i like the cookie, so technically not as great as a mcflurry but im too cheap to care.

two things should be learned from today:
1) never EVER let ang and petrina go shopping together unless you want to be late... or have us be late.
2) somehow i always ruin movie nights becuase whenever we're supposed to have one, it just doesnt happen

nevertheless had a good day with my girlies.. really a continuation of the previous night. missed you guys and havent seen you in a while.. it was good.

found this while looking through aa.. i enjoyed it cause i can actually picture people who would seriously do it
NOTICE: Job Offering
For those who have nothing to do during the summer and want to effectively use their time, this is for you.
Position: Grade 12 Mathematics student
Hours: 12:15 - 3:15
Pay: $100
Days of employment: July 2nd to July 28th
Requirements: Must be proficient in math and chinese looking
In addition, transportation will be provided by me and you will recieve a total of one bottle of water every day. You can`t beat this offer. So get off your asses and note me to apply.

jaxs.. i need my laptop back.. gimmie back please?

it is my second attempt at this stupid correspndence course. in the past 2 1/2 hours since i have woken up, i have only managed to write one journal entry, consisting of 4 sentences. im so confused. i dont know what they are looking for. am i even supposed to be handing inthese journal entries? because they are complete bullshit garbage. the first article they tell me to read isnt the first one in the book, which makes parnoid me think that i am missing something. i am lost... because its all too new and i am unsure.

there are ants on my computer desk. i have killed 5.. where are they coming from? i dont know.. and there is still the matter of that earwig that i refused to kill a couple of nights ago.

so went to school yesterday to go to dreaded SAC meeting, which turned out to be more of a painting session than a formal, sit-down meeting (score for me!) but then when i discovered what colour adrian had picked for the wall. i didnt know if i wanted to paint, or run away because the atomic green was burning a hole through my retinas. mental note: never ever put adrian in charge of anything ecer again that has to do with decorating or the coordination of colours.
went to alana's for a little get together and found out exactly what a domestic goddess she was. she made this awesome chicken pasta with vegetables and iced cappucinos. mmm... mr. volpe, cyn, lis, racs and matt came to join in on the fun. have not seen my princesses for a looong time and was glad the oppertunity came up-well worth the sweaty walk from school to her house.lol
watched movies.. the others with nicole kidman, i didnt like.. it wasnt THAT scary, but that's only because i ddint watch half of the movie.. was busy distracting myself and staring at my knees so wouldnt get freaked out by the ghostness of the movie. i can take murder, i can take gore, i can take bleeding flesh wounds, but i cant take this supernatural shit.
p.s. thanks again for the ride home in your man-van mr. volpe.. lol

and i think theyre gone again

oh theyre back.. phew..

no.. this isnt funny.. where did my comments go?

also...waxing legs mission never materialized. went to ashbridges to watch fireworks with friends. saw nicole working at the pizza pizza there.. hehehe hot an sweaty.. just the way i like them. and sexy even in that orange get-up to boot! yeah fireworks werent that exciting, but hey what do you expect for free? company was good though...and it was definitly feeling like summer

i can't believe he stayed up. figures. the night my mom isn't home he stays up. i hate that he doesnt trust me. i hate that the reason he stayed up wasn't out of love (otherwise, why wouldn't he stay up allthe other nights), it was in hopes that he would catch me at something. in hopes that it would give him an excuse to get me in trouble...give him an oppertunity to tell my mom that me going out isnt a good idea. he was secretly hoping that i would come home crazy late so that he could rub it in my mom's face about me not respecting him or something like that.. or hoping that i would come home piss-assed drunk, or stoned, or soemthing to that effect.
is it my fault that he never had a social life? is it my fault that he never had real friends? even today he doesnt have friends. mom goes out for her girls nights out. my dad is too much of an asshole to have friends.... and even has trouble with coworkers, believe me i;'ve been listening. he gets a F for "plays well with others". would he rather have me like my brother sit on my ass all day and play video games.. well maybe he would cause then we would actually have something to talk about. but still.. its better to have me going out, experienceing things than being a social reject who inhales household cleaner fumes for kicks.

if i were a lightbulb, i would be one of those annoying halogen ones that hurt your eyes, or those big ones that people use in theatres to light up actors. really, there's no reason in particular why. is this what it feels like when you're content with who you are or what is happening in your life? cause i dont think its that.. because well, we all know i have problems. lol just a good day today i guess. didnt even do anything but read.
mission for tonight: soften up in the shower and give another go at this whole waxing leg thing. why do i have the feeling that im gonna warm it up, do one strip and chicken out again? tis the way it always turns out

it awesome when you have people in your life you know will be there even at times when you just dont feel like going home....even when they themselves dont want to do anything. i ended up playing video games for a while at yoyo's, and really i didnt mind. i found myself actually interested in the game, which is weird, but at the same time not because i've always been a fan of sonic the hedgehog... lol. we went out for dinner with frances and mike at east side mario's..adam was our waiter.. it was hilarious seeing him sing /chant happy birthday to a five year old, cause i never could have imagined him that way. food was amazing even though we were trying to aim for cheap cause we all had almost non-existent cash. picked up nicki and amanda and drove around old finch..
really a simple night, but i needed it. i can't stay in this house..
my mom is worried i am out too much.. i can tell. cause we rarely see eachother even more now.. not that we usually did mind you. but at least during school there was a reason-school and work. but i figure eventually it'll die down.. people have summerschool.. i;ll be at work.. eww correspondence..