granola, breakfast of champions

it's all done. finally. although this year has passed with surprising speed.

i currently have a carload of stuff in the middle of my living room floor. i am so glad my mom isn't here to yell at me. i was so close to not taking it out of the car at all. and part of me knows that most of it will never get unpacked.

it felt kinda weird packing up my room. weird in a this is actually happening in a way. if it were my memoirs, this is where another chapter would be ending and in the movie verison, where the scene would get all quiet and end.

moving my computer into my room just now has made me realize how much crap i have sitting around in boxes and in corners and on my bookshelves. things i for some reason wanted to hold on to. and for some reason now, i just don't have that same need to keep them around. so i figure i should go with this new wave of clearing things and finally clean out my room.

aftershocks

i haven't really had time to think about it, actually i really didn't let myself at first. but i just couldnt help it the other day. i think it scares me that apparently you couldn't help yourself. that you in some way had no control. it scares me that i would have never known if things didn't explode. it scares me because it sounds like it just happened, that there was no reason, so i still don't know why. things were good, there were no arguements; if anything, i began to understand and for lack of other words, accept who you were better.

and i guess, now i know how it is...not that i ever wanted you to have to make a choice. you know i never asked you to... but to sound cliche, actions speak louder than words and what you did showed me something. honestly, i feel as though because it just happened, you instinctively decided what you wanted to do. you knew i just wanted to end things...even if they were on bad terms. i wasn't up for another fight.

just as some are newly formed, some are breaking down. and yeah through this all admittedly, i do miss what i had sometimes. but honestly the memories have been so long ago and so clouded with what has happened that i almost don't remember them anymore. and i think thats why it's not so hard to say goodbye after a while.. when everything that you remember is bad.

i do still wanna try. but i'm tired and trust doesn't come easily. sometimes i'm sad, sometimes i'm numb to it all. i'm trying. it'll work itself out one way or another.

i'm a whole new person because of everything....and i'm not sure if thats a good thing or not yet. the jury is still out.

sizzle

i finally got to lay outside and feel my skin burn under the sun. and even tho the grass had bare patches and every once in a while a train would pass, and we were technically supposed to be studying, it was perfect.

eraser bits

it's almost all over. three more exams in four days.

I was looking forward to having the car all to myself when i got back. it was mainly just having it available; not that i had any real plans with it. days filled with spontaneous adventures and errands or just lounging before things got busy again. but those days are all already filled up somehow...with moving, working, and just random miscellaneous. I won't be getting much of the house all to myself afterall it seems before mom gets back. I'm still kinda surprised at how my week of nothing got so crammed.

Also, because i'm only here for so long, i refused to get more groceries and am determined to live off of what i have here...that and i was too lazy to walk over to the a&p and figure out what to buy that would only last me about a week. So as of late, every day has sorta been an iron chef competition with myself as i try to get creative with my one 'theme' ingredient i pick each meal. but thanks to mommy and daddy wong today, i was spared from my lunchtime battle. i haven't had soup noodles for soo long. mmmm

this moving thing is getting COMPLICATED. okay, it's not really, but there are just a lot of things left up in the air. A lot of things i'm nervous about leaving up in the air cause i'm done soon and leaving here. but at the same time i know i shouldn't be worried, it'll all get worked out. i can't wait to see the house all empty and ready for us to take over. i'm really lookign forward to having the girls there and our little london downtown right there and not having the guys downstairs talk on the porch below my window when i have to get up early the next day.

and i'm also looking forward to restarting anew. spring is a time of rebirth n'est pas?

1

first one down. and one course officially done!! whoohoo.
thank goodness I accidentally met up with Kim on the bus. Who knew my tutorial guy left out all that stuff.

the difference was we weren't friends

You ever reach that point where you would do almost anything short of gnawing off your own limb just to make something go away? When you were almost willing to sarcrifice your own arm or leg just so you could get yourself somewhere else? Do anything that allows you to just turn away and leave it behind? When you didn't care what happened because in the end you would be gone?

I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was easier cutting it short. I'm past it. There's only one goal in mind and thats separating myself right now. No throwing myself back.

mini break

Classes are done for another year. I was talking and semi-freaked myself out...third year already. Not saying that it hasn't been a long time getting here, but it just doesn't feel as though I should be in third year. But then again, I kinda have these moments a lot.

Less than two more weeks and then I'm outta here. And yeah it's early this year which is great but I'm kinda jealous of all those who have their exams so beautifully spaced out. Just cause there are a couple of courses I actually have to do well in to get into courses for next year and so far, theyre not looking so good. Oh why did I leave all this reading til the end again? One day I will learn....maybe.

I'm gonna miss Lindsay and Mallory being so close next year. Yeah we didn't do a whole lot, but I liked stopping by after classes just to say hi, watch some tv, and I liked having them around to go grocery shopping with when no one here needed to. And I also like that I'm finally getting to know Natalie's roomate nextdoor... I guess you don't appareciate these things as much til theyre gone. But the extra money in my pocket will be great and having the girls there all the time will make up for it I'm sure. It sucks when they live on the opposite side of campus and you don't wanna come home at night on your own. Sorta like highschool, but without the car or a decent bus system. Cabs can get damn expensive when you're on your own. Oh this makes me think of all the moving struggles I'm gonna inevitably be faced with. booo

now back to the genetics. yay me.

lighter

i can't honestly say that i wasn't surprised about the whole thing...because i was. I'm not really sure what induced this. And yeah it may have been a little later than the ideal scenario but it's still something and that i gotta acknowledge it and appreciate it for what it is. i took it as a sign that maybe it was some sort of gesture in some way, and even though it may not have been at all, it was certainly something i think.

it was honest effort. it was genuine (i think). i just appreciate that you did all that.

things are a changin' and i will too

failing the hunt

two journeys later, still no psp. i'm begining to think that all of them have some sort of pixel problem. and according to the future shop lady, a whole bunch are getting sent back.

oh future shop and your pretty yet very see-through bags. me, being one of those people who just think of strange things like this, was hoping no one would mug me since it was very evident a 300 dollar toy was sitting on my lap.

but hey it was worth a shot and it kept me out of the house for a bit, which was a blessing in disguise i guess.

it was a great day to be out, a little cold for the flipflops i was wearing but still great. i love it when i come home at 830 and the sun is only still setting.

it's almost seven o'clock and i'm looking outside my window and it's still bright and sunny and the birds are still out! this makes me sooo excited for summer! i'm so giddy right now. *squeals*