snowman cookies

I've decided that I would rather pluck out every hair on my body individually with tweezers than study for this chemistry exam. And to think, I still have another semester of this...except harder. I will never understand chemistry.

tomorrow might be a value village adventure with jaxs. teehee and maybe get me some groceries too. im excited.

my christmas present is sitting in his room right now. it's wrapped up and everything. the other part to it just arrived by mail today. i'm dying to know what it is. who wants to go find out for me....come on i'll make it worth your while. must stop...being..so....ridiculously nosy. on that note, anyone know where i can get an iskin and what they cost? i think 30 bucks? well thats how much they were when they first came out but i saw 40-buck ones in the store and was thinking that was a little expensive for a rubber envelope of a product.

sorry amanda, no coming back home this weekend. way to much work. and my micro class decides to be really nice and dumps our last three lab reports on the next week cause they were stupid and panicked with they realized school was ending sooner than they thought. yay me. so yeah i figure this also de-complicates things.. um yeah ill email/msn you about that. lol.

and the christmas countdown starts...

lemon cookie

why WHY do i keep on doing this to myself. i ....i just want to take a pair of scissors and cut that aspect of my life out right now. it's not the best thing to do, but everything is good or at least okay except for you. things seemed to be getting better, and by better i mean more 'normal' but just when i think things have settled, it hits me again. i can't help it...im fine until out of no where something is there and i feel it and know its there. i know that probably millions of other people have heard of the struggles, on-going struggles, and struggles have been re-hatched and dissected and re-told again. i just get mad about it all, all over again. but i just dont wanna deal with it now...or ever. and i think i'm doing my running away from things that i do so well now. cause afterall if you can't physically run why not do it in other ways.

the company that we rent our townhouse apartment thingy from is offering us a free case of beer per tenant who is renewing the lease for next year... haha so we might have three cases of beer sitting in our living room. i knew this whole issue would be soon, but i didnt realize this soon. oh london.

i found this weird maggot/grub in my bok choy. yes i have china vegetable here. it fully grossed me out. and no it was while i was cuutting them up before washing them that i found it. if i had found it cooked, i would have thrown up. but the path it took intot he vegetable to make its new home was kinda cool. theres a dead maggot.grub in our garbage can right now.

i'm excited to go christmas shopping...excited and a little worried i guess. must get everything done before the 21st...stupid teeth pulling.

i know you probably don't know how much you've helped. thank you. and hopefully i get to see you for a bit this weekend. oh, but dont kill yourself. :P

and im thinking how my parents would react if i came home three weekends in a row...lol. my parents arent the type of parents who are happy to have me back. itsmore of a 'what are you doing back' sorta thing. not that they dont want me there, just not hey lets go take you out and have family time types..lol and i dont even want to think about the work i have to do. sigh.

my teeth hurt

i think i have a cavity. this is going to make my upcoming dejntist appointment really interesting. i remember when i was a kid, i had a bajillion of them. it was like every time i went, i had to fill at least one. but since all my baby teeth have fallen out, i can say i am cavity free. DMAN YOU CAVITY!!! i'm hoping its one of those cavities that you feel is there, but was only a figment of your overactive imagination. maybe when i eat candy and bite into the wrong things with it, it really doesnt hurt.

the bump i received from dropping a digital camera on my head is slowly receeding (sp?). and it no longer hurts to wash my face. lol yay for that

dead skin cells

i don't know what's going on anymore. all of the little secrets, the everyday inside jokes kinda things, the words that come out of your mouths.

and no matter what, i know things are still weird and i know things are not alright because things like this happen. suddenly im not a part of the conversation even though the whole point was that you thought it was me. suddenly, i dont get to laugh about it, but rather get to hear about it after everything has gone down. suddenly i feel like giving up. and so maybe i myself have not totally come to terms with everything that has happened. but maybe its time that i do. and if things return to relatively where they were before like it has so many other times with so many other people, then good; but i also have to learn to accept that they very well might not.

i give up on learning

sometimes you just gotta tell yourself that there will be more to life than this... someday. and sometimes waiting to get to that point is just too much. i just want to get to that point right now- not cause there is anything wrong with where i am now, im just not content when the 'one day' seems so much better.

i have an interview on thursday. one of those sit down, explain your experiment, and listen while i tear apart your scientific article types of interviews. and we all know how great i am with those.. mer.

it wasn't until recently that things sorta started to make sense. i never knew why there was all this fighting; why it was always so explosive. i really didn't get it. i thought that maybe it was because i just couldn't understand it yet; that my time in life to learn was not here. but now im seeing how things are just like that cause youre messed up. and i know its mean and judgemental to say that. but no really, youre messed up. and im messed up too, but thank goodness not in that way.
okay i thinki should go now, im getting mean.

i hate everyone!!! the end.


*bows and exits*

its getting cold

alison found me today in biochem. kirsten wasnt showing up today cause she was cramming for our midterm tomorrow and al couldnt find her girlie either. i know it was nothing, but it was nice having her there again. it reminded me of our bio ap days...both of us writing crap down we both dont totally understand and having to look over at eachother's notebooks to see if we spelled things right.

i know i probably blew it out of proportion considering it was such a little, insignficant thing. maybe it was compounded by the fact that we've both been so stressed-out and busy lately. it's just really frustrating because i hate how sometimes i can never get a straight answer and i hate how i have to ask like 36 different questions just to find out something. i hate feeling as though everytime i want to know something so ordinary and normal for a person to say, i turn into an interrogator. and i know you say its fine that i ask...but maybe i get tired of asking...you never seem to have to ask me.

ihate biochem. thank goodness the final isnt cumulative.

i know it's a little late...but

i'm wearing halloween underwear. my crotch says "BOO"

waiting for the shower

At what point does a blog or lj entry turn into a cheesey tabloid-like article, but one in which the reader knows the stories are true? What line separates it from an informative medium to vent out ideas and frustrations until it turns into something people view in the same way as an on-going magazine serial or like a real life soap opera. yes, ive also taken part in this whole 'reading people's entires who i technically know, but who i dont really personally know or talk to', and i think everyone has participated in this indulgence at least one time or another. but it's true, as someone else says, its not fair when the story is one sided and perhaps shared without taking into account the feelings of the people involved. it's not fair when you share the same group of friends and that although unintentional, the other person so constantly mentioned, is changed in everyone else's opinion.

Even the greatest journalists are still biased in their writing even when they make a conscious effort not to be. it's just human nature to have an opinion and to let that come through in what we think or do. And there's also a reason why they are legally required to get permission from people who they write about when collecting information. it's what separates a credible, information-gathering journalist, from one who sifts through the trash of others for a scoop. it's just not fair when we don't hear the other side of things and its even more unfair when the person involved doesn't feel comfortable with the level of sharing. cause it's their problem too and you may just be making it bigger than they would like.

How would you feel if you opened up a friend's blog or lj and were constantly reading of how crap-tacular you are...and knowing that all your other friends are reading this too?

card-pickin' goldfish

something just made me not want to go. it was a mix of the fact that i woke up at 6am that morning after three hours of sleep and the fact that by going, i would have ruined some aspect along the way. they wouldn't have looked back at that night in the same way and so im thinking it was all for the better.

and sometimes you just need that person who doesn't go and never asks why. the person that doesnt seem to care what your reason is; just that you dont want to. There's just some things that i don't want to go into detail with because it wouldnt be fair for you.. and your relationships. i dont want anything happening because of some weird loyalty thing...and even you knowing about it all may just be a little too weird. and because i know you dont know even half of what's really going on, or rather went on, i'm greatful that we're at this point where you can just sense that its not something i want to get into, even though you know there's something incredibly wrong.

i wanna know why im paying a health care premium and then getting my free eye doctor exams taken away. what the hell. give me back my money mr. premier! arg.. just cause YOU'RE rich enough to pay for your own eye exams doesn't mean i am.

oooh i just wish this exam schedule is finalized soon so i can possible still change my teeth-gauging appointment.

hmm so im really getting nervous about this biochem exam now. let the memorization begin...