sometimes i feel so.. inadequate, undeserving really...
i was watching the view and hearing some of these people's stories really makes you think. i'm freaking out cause i gottachose which university i wanna go to and how to pay for it, when people my age are working two jobs and still getting good grades at school, all the while dealing with a disabled father and a mother with cancer. imagine being the sole income earner at the age of 18 to support a family. it makes me wonder, wow what have i ever done that could at all compare? it's strange hearing someone say that graduation and prom are trivial and EXTRAVAGANT things cause even though they are, they have become in some way a rite in our society. something that sorta just comes with the actual completion of school. perhaps at this age having too much life experience can be a bad thing too. because then there's just TOO much shit to deal with that even the things that youre supposed to enjoy..well you just cant. the perspective of things are totally changed.

who'd thunk it?
i now declare myself a homework fiend. hahaha i know it's not something that normal people get addicted to, but i dont know lately, through some act of god or something, i have actually wanted to homework. and really its good that i do cause i have LOTS of it. i'm on some sort of homework wave and i'm just gonna let the momentum of it all carry me throuugh. so there will be no failing this year for ang or cramming everything in until im ready to burst at the seams and cry..okay maybe a little cause i'm already pretty screwed. but whatever... summer is here. i can smell it.

the difference one phone call can make
i'm glowing..absolutly glowing from the phone conversation. and also WAY more confused about everything!! i have decided that andrea is the most awesome person in the entire earth cause she was willing to call and she spent an entire hour almost just answering my questions and putting my stupid fears to rest. she's still the same. so grown up and womanly (lol) but still the same crazy andrea that i remember stumbling into the room with textbooks in hand and a great big smile across her face. so western is officially back in the running thanks to her. i love the community atmosphere. i love that she says shes loving her program (cause its what im getting into) i love that she gave me tips on how to survive there and not get screwed. i feel like i'm already there in a way. i was joking before but i think the rory gilmour lists are gonna hafta come out now.

how can anyone not like the smell of bounce?
its beautiful outside. i miss the sun and even though it hasn't been warm warm yet, i dont mind. just waking up to any form of sunshine instead of blue/grey light is good.
even though i'm glad i went, yesterday night was in a way surreal. i would be having fun and then suddenly realize that wow this is actually happening. i honestly half expected me and jeanette to arrive there and have someone tell us that the whole event had been cancelled. funny what some people do on a saturday night. it makes you wonder... cause you know those people that you see on tv who do something stupid with their friends while having it filmed? i am technically one of those spectators now.. lol and i'm pretty sure thats not something to be proud of.

grilled cheese with bacon please
so its weird but i actually want to do homework. i just have this urge to. so maybe tomorrow i'll get up late, skip the yoga and maybe do a tape instead and do some homework. funny. i think my mind is trying to tell me something here.
so why is it that even though i'm exhausted and full and ready to roll over and die and sleep, do still wanna talk and be girly and have the night not end so BADLY? lol haha no matter what i know we'll be fine cause no matter how much we do or do not see eachother, its all the same. and thats damn reassuring.

is it a bird? is it a plane?
i know i JUST got it, but i already have the courses i have to take next year highlighted. THAT'S how i know im uber excited.

ever have one of those moments when you feel grown up? one of those instances that you realize that maybe you arent a three year old; screaming and shouting with knots in your shoelaces and peanut butter and jelly sandwich crumbs on your face. it was just today...maybe cause this morning i ACTED like a three year old and so in comparison, there was a big difference.. i dunno..

uday's love shack
you know how the world gets scarier as you get older and you learn about all the dangers? do you think we ever stop getting more and more scared or does it continuously add up? there just seems to be a lot more to be scared of these days. people don't fly. people don't walk around late at night. people don't leave their doors unlocked. people don't breathe anymore.

my fingers are frozen
so despite the long as emails to and from churchie.. i am still lost. less confused and frantic but still lost. i finished my english today. everything is good. just the self evaluation and a outline for my isp, both which dont have to be done on computer while in this cold damp basement. i could send it out today if i really wnated to. i still have 40 minutes. but i think i mightjust do it afterschool tomorrow. afterall i am in my strawberry pants and glasses and probably smell like basement. i had the weirdest dream last night involving lots of people from school and work. it was weird cause it wasnt weird at all...things that happened in it and places i went seemed soo familiar. i am still convinced that i know of these places and have been there because the way i navigated the store or found something, its like i just knew. some things also made me giggle and blush... weird how dreams can feel so damn real
steph signed onto msn.. i got excited.. she never responded.

finding pi
so i think i surprised my mother...ACTUALLY surprised her. i came home from jeanette's at like 11:15 and came home to a dark house. the only light was streaming from my mom's room and in a very weird, but adult moment i walked in and just sat. It had been a long time since i last did this, which once used to be a common thing. My mom is a lot more like me than i thought, or rather i'm a lot more like her than i thought, even down to the way she mocked me and the way my pants are too low, or my neckline too plunging, and my boobs too well up there. i laughed that she did it, i laughed cause its so something i would do. we actually talked, we talked about next year and i got excited as i told her my plans. We got serious when we discuessed how it was going to get paid for. we set out our own plans like what im getting into, the fact that im going for my masters, me still working throughout university....her working at least another 4 years before she retires. her saying how stephen wont cost as much cause we see him going to college...when we predict the car finally giving out on us. It funny discussing how i see myself in montreal or in western or even in toronto living on my own or in res and my whole plan to work at shoppers so i get toiletries and what not at cost. i told her i couldnt wait until my room is just a stack of boxes and half-barren tabletops and an empty closet. She said that she couldnt wait until my room was made into her new storage area. She also told me that she was glad that i had everything planned out. that she didnt have to worry about me. and really in truth i dont. i say one thing, but in my mind a million other possibilities are running rampant, but for now i like her seeing the responsible me.

it may only be a trickle
western is slowly lulling me into their trap with their glossy brochures and promises of money. i need to see the campus. i also need to get other acceptances and other pretty, new smelling what not so that the vacuum i'm presently experiencing doesnt take further hold. i need to know what the hell i want to do with myself next year. i picture myself everywhere.
i feel like i am melting sometimes, but not in the good way.. more like the way that guy in the x men movie melted and freaked halle barry out..

it was sunny today!
i havent lost him afterall. despite being insecure, despite not being around eachother for a while, despite not talking, despite all of our little fights..despute the fact that we sometimes make eachother mad by just being in the same room... we're okay.. i still have my friend. yes i was dead tired today but it was well worth it.
soo i have just realized how much work i still have to do and how i really dont want to do it.. i'm gonna start staying off msn and icq, both which i have deemed the products of satan. lol its back to 6-9 homework nights.. ugh...

and if i dont make it, know that i've loved you all along
it's three am and i am surprisingly wide awake. i just got home and well maybe its the late night pizza, but i can't sleep.
so i went to the get-together afterall, despite having a bit of anxiety over it. it was sad how i really wanted to impress them in this messed up 'i'm gonna make them miss me and make them regret for not staying in closer touch with me' way and was trying to pretty myself up.. but then went fuck it and went in a t shirt and cords. to be honest it wasn't bad. sure i no longer knew of half the people they were talking about and sure i didn't feel comfortable around everyone.. but the people that i did click with... wow it made me feel so much better about things... it was like i didnt lose them afterall, they were just misplaced for a while. and even though i wouldnt go to another one soon necessarily, im still glad i went.
it was weird seeing them together... i suddenly didn't know how to act. i felt stupid for even feeling it cause that chapter was supposed to be over with. it was one of those situations which is amplified and made ten million times worse in your head.. man im such a girl.. and a gross one too.

so vanessa and lis have fun comments with animated happy faces.. im sooo CHANGING mine!!!

i've come to the conclusion that im not coming to school next week..lol
my ride is gone m y best friend is gone.. the two people i talk to on a regular basis in ta are gone.. ugh
and well i want to KILL mark! lol

now that i think back
i know it meant nothing but at the time the simple 'yes' was needed and very much appreciated. if it had been a no or a silent pause i dont kno what i would have done. all of my friends know i can get really insecure about things really fast and well the other night on the computer, i hit another one of those moments. it made me uneasy knowing that things were changing this fast...knowing that soon my world.. my 'family' as i know it was going to be ripped away person by person. i know this because i can see it happening already. and yes the core few will remain and others will be introduced..but really no one can ever be replaced. imagine us ten years down the road and bumping into one another again...will things pick up from where they left off? or will there merely be an awkward pause as we continue along our way? and even though i will never manage to say this in person, and i'm pretty sure the friend responsible has no clue of what they did that night, i want to say thank you. we take for granted how much our words can affect people and how at the right moment, in the right context, it can save someone.

you know the world is good when just one smile brightens up your whole day.

i need to change identities
so apparently i'm andrew. i dunno its not that i mind that i may not get voted in because of it, because all along ive left it to a whatever happens happens cause i really dont know if i can do it... but i've always had problems with my name and this does not help. I've never liked it cause it was never different enough for me... not only the first, but the last also.. you know how many people have my last name? we must have been a pretty big village all those centuries ago. i still get called wong.

jeanette unknowingly stole all my words and thoughts.. go read her blog entries for the past two days.. cause that's what i'm thinking exactly.. ah summer... teehee

disturbing the peace
so i think i am disappointed. and i use the word think cause i really don't know exactly what i feel but right now disappointed is the closest thing i can think of. I don't expect much, not much at all because i too at times feel as though i am lacking in this department as well.... but lately, with some people, i've been disappointed with how we intereact.. how they respond to something i say... how they treat or respond to me. It's kinda like i feel i've been constantly let down by some people, and really it's not the big things either. It's little things like not being excited when you should be or not listening when i clearly am giving out a cry for help or even saying goodnight in the wrong way. and yes, i do know how crazy and insecure i sound right now, but i'm feeling it with some people and quite frnakly i dont know whether to try harder or to start giving up.
i reek of calgon body mist. after coming home from softball and driving my mom to the subway station, i went straight to pilates and didnt have enough time to shower as i had planned. so what could i do? i misted..lol i mean wow i've never been so sporty/active in my life. i'm gonna be feeling it tomorrow alright.
and dammit the voicemail icon wont go away on my phone... I DONT HAVE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES

a sigh of relief...for now
oh man oh man oh man... that's what i've been saying to myself over and over again. i can't believe im in. they want me! and although it did not come in a pretty official envelope filled with glossy brochures, the one line on the computer screen that read, "admitted-pending final results" and the link to accept or decline the offer... that's all i needed... well for now anyways. so my future in montreal is all the more realistic now.. also got into western. but sadly, its almost an afterthought now.. i think i need to actually go SEE the campus and stuff..cause i bet thats why im not all that excited about it.. but i hear great things..lol
it's such an immense relief.. and i know that no one else got their early accepteances from university and technically i should not have been worried but i was, even if everyone thinks i'm strange for being so. and although i know i shouldnt be getting myself down over stupid things, the way a person reacts to things really affect me, more than they should. i mean she wonders why i dont tell her things sometimes... maybe its just cause i dont want her bringing all my dreams down with her one cynical comment.

shopping
ever see a total stranger on the street and just suddenly become intrigued by them? like you suddenly want to know everything about their life and what makes them tick and what their house and family and heck, even their closet looks like? i find these people often, what that means baout my sad little life i dont know. i stumbled upon another one yesterday. there was nothing different really about her. i'm not even sure why i was drawn to her.. was it the way she held her head? the way she was casually browsing through the aisle of the store with a basket half full of items? She looked self-sufficient.. like the kind of woman who would be the mother of a very young child, with golden locks of hair just like hers, except of course the child's would be in curls in stead of tied up in a tousled ponytail.. the kind of person who dines out every friday and sips wine while relaxing and read books and ran every morning with her dog... and then it occured to me, while secretly trying to see what things where in her basket that she was probably not any of these things. for all i know she could have gone home to her abusive boyfriend, her 5 screaming children all under the age of 6 with gum in their hair and a blow torch in their left hands.... and her home littered with unwashed dishes and left over pizza boxes.. and yelled over all the noise, "bubba, mama got you some of your de-worming medication"
i wonder how many people i see wrong.

im calling.. where are you?
sometimes i need to step back for a while to see how things have changed. You never notice it while it happening, but things are constantly changing. I've never been a person to fear change.. i actually like it sometimes.. its only when the change comes and slaps you in the face, and leaves its red handprint on your cheek that i get uncomfortable with it. I feel as though i'm just waiting for the hot-stinging feeling to spread across my face again. I haven't been hit for a while. I'm not sure when its coming, but i can feel it.

so telus calls today and tells me that theyve done an audit on my account and found out ive been getting call display for free for a long long time now even though i havent been paying for it.. dammit..

yesterday was great girly fun. teehee i love you guys

today the weirdest thing happened... but it made me smile.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF AND STEPH! (well belated now)

reupholstered
okay so its probably stupid and petty for me to be mad at something as small, and well for lack of a better word, stupid as this. But i mean i just can't help it. No one can say things haven't changed cause we both know they have.. one just gets mad when the other one says it that's all or takes it the wrong way. And i didnt expect things to stay the same cause i know a million things have happened to change the situation but man i don't think i;ve ever felt like this.. and its weird cause even a week ago i would have brushed it off and just have been happy. but i'm starting to realize that maybe we all excuse it too easily. maybe something is there that clouds our own perspective of things... cause if it had been someone else.. well things would have been different.

i got a compliment today... and it surprised me just because of who it came from. Someone that i soo wouldnt have thought would have noticed those things or really even care at all. It was nice. especially since its been a while since i've received words like that..and im pretty sure they were sincere. It made me blush. I could feel my cheeks go hot. It was all flushed cheeked happiness for a while. I think i would like to feel that more often.

luckily no casualties
SO IT'S MINE! More than i wanted to ideally pay for it. but as it turns out with my original bid, she would have pulled it out of aution anywasy cause she really wanted to make most of her money back. I almost can't believe it. it's like when i got my tattoo and it didnt sink in that it was really there and sometimes i would remeber and just want to squeal with excitement.. well actually sometimes i still forget its there. But i still got an awesome deal especially considering that time, effort, and gas i saved, and the possible risk of not getting across the border or finding it at all once down there. thank you lukie for being there to feed the obsession and for simply witnessing the panic attack when i realized i wasnt the only bidder and rationalizing every little thing with me.

waiting for the explosion
so here i am... with my face plastered to the computer screen.. refreshing the ebay webpage periodically to learn of my dress's fate. yes MY dress's fate.. i have already declared it mine. It is so close and fuck to have it ripped out of my hands this far into things would just be cruel. so here i am.. and here you will find me: sitting and waiting for the next 40 minutes as i mentally try to send secret voodoo messages to the other bidders to simutaneously have heart attacks. And its strange cause even though im ready to keel over from the anxiety.. its also kinda exhilarating (sp?) .. like i LIKE the stress of it all.

dancing, tripping, falling
sometimes i get weird vibes from people...like im not quite sure where i stand with them. they'll say one thing and it makes me think everything is okay.. then theyll say or do another, and everything is up in the air again. i know im probably just reading too much into these things.. but a part of me insists that im not.. that maybe i should be paying more attention.. maybe there is something there that i simply choose not to see. i dont like things in limbo.. i get frustrated and dont wanna deal with it all after a while.. cause i mean i think things should progress, even if very slowly. stagnant things are no fun.. i like the word stagnant..whoever came up with the word stagnant knew what they were talking about.
so i found the dress.. its on ebay... still wondering if i should make a bid... no one has so far. and well they are willing to ship it here, on my money of course. but i havent even really seen the dress or felt the dress... wow what a risk.. but the fact that its the only dress on ebay thats from this year's line and its the dress i fell in love with and its in my size and its new with the tags still on and a pretty good price to boot can't mean nothing right? how i ended up on the ebay site i dont know.. but im taking it as a sign.. its God practically handing me the dress right? RIGHT?!?!

so what if i have a whole NEW plan?
after a marathon 3-hour conversation with my 90% partner in crime, i feel so much better about everything. I think the trick to me is just letting it out to someone who i know will understand what the hell is going through my head...and really sometimes my friends know me so well its scary and well embarassing too.. lol Some things just need to be said.. and sometimes i just need help rationalizing things in my head. It turned a lot of the "what the hell"s to "ohh that makes sense".
On another note.. i was semi-bumming about not hearing from any universities, with my only consolation being that other people who applied didnt hear from them either. but today i got an email saying that if i was over 85% i was gonna be getting an early acceptance.. so im just waiting now.. i dont even think i wanna go there.. but its true.. its the whole "no on wants me" thing that was worrying me. Weird how something such as early acceptances can put so much stress on a person, especially when we all fully know that 1) university isnt the same as college and most universities havent sent anythign out yet; 2) this is a weird year, with universities saying that they probably wont send out as many early acceptances as they normally do; and 3) they're EARLY acceptances.. the bulk of the acceptances come in may.
all this from a person who's had ample time to think of reasons why no one wants her...lol

shake it up and throw it
funny how a great big slap in a the face is needed to realize certain things sometimes. he thought i was trying to hurt him but really what he said in response stung a lot worse. i think it says a lot about how a person sees you by how they interpret your written word. and i'm not sure exactly how what he said made me feel the way i did, but it did and i dont think i will ever fully understand why. but i'm begining to think that the fact that he chose to take it in that light... well it says a lot.. and well i think i finally realized how much things have changed and how much i really dont know how to deal with it anymore..but the problem is, is that i'm not even sure how it got to this.
i think this is a clear indication that ang's good mood streak is officially over.

and there was a little girl running through a field of sunflowers who stopped, looked around, and realized she was lost

i feel queezy just thinking about it
an idea got put into my head today (yes PUT cause i didnt really think about it until someone forced me to) and well even though i was totally against it, the idea started to fester in my mind..it grew until i couldnt just ignore it. it grew until i started believeing it could actually happen. i thought maybe i wont cry.. maybe i wont get scared and run away..maybe i wont freeze up and choke on my own words and have a million people laugh at me.. maybe i want to do it?