trying
i am not computer savvy...well at least not as much as i thought. who am i kidding, i hate computers..lol. so can anyone tell me why the text on my new template fucks up everytime i try and add in the html for my blog comments link?

those are the strings pinocchio
this week has been a crazy blur of work, work, and more work. and although things seem to be falling apart for those around me, right now things for once, seem to be alright (for me at least). i dont know what it is but even though im busy and things aren't at all perfect, there is just a feeling of content.

i dont knw how long i can last doing this retail garbage again. yes its better that the store is smaller but its still selling shit i dont really care about. i watch some of these people and they're spewing out product knowledge and are selling these clothes in an almost super hero fashion. they just seem to fit the part if that makes any sense. i cant hide in this small store. i have no corners to slip away in. people are starting to secretly hate me cause i've taken their cash position. that's right, i overheard them talking. but a large part of me doesn't care..as long as im the one at cash, they can hate me all they want. but i think i can survive for another two months or so.. oh man.

fuschia ribbon
my room smells like flowers when you walk into it. it makes me smile. i will never understand what it is about flowers...but then again, maybe i dont think i want it to. things aren't the same when they start to make sense.

monday
-so yes i may have blew up and exploded on the worst day possible to blow up and explode..but i did. and i feel bad. and yeah. i'm sorry :(
-there is this little one year old boy named dylan and he is all things good and shiny and giggly wrapped up in a little baby package. dark curly hair, five little white teeth and a dimple on the left cheek is too cute of a combination to ignore even when you're sitting in a funeral. and yes we accidentally made him laugh while trying to secretly make faces at him, which isn't the most appropriate thing to do, but oh man, that kid is great.
-i'm glad i wouldn't have been the only one who would have been frustrated to no end with this whole.. um.. situation. and that is why we are what we are.lol and i would like to say that at least this tells me that i am somewhat normal and justified in my thinking, but really, just cause you agree, doesn't mean anything other than we are both ..mer. lol
-i'm trying to restore my room to some state of 'room', instead of living in the landfil that it is now.
-i am absolutly dreading this week of work. but i cant not work and i would be complaining about the boredom of doing nothing all day, every day eventually. so really, im just a big complainer. i just wish fairview wasnt so fricken far..
-finally changed ketchup and sushi's water. it was getting gross in there...to a point where i couldnt ignore the green sludge that seemed to be growing within their bowl. i couldn't even suck it out with the turkey baster. im assuming its algae that grew since the bowl's been sitting near the window..but eww the bowl itself was slimey. i did a full water change and washed everything clean, which i think might kill the fish since its such a drastic change of environment. but then again, ive done far worse to these fish and they seemed to have survived.
-sometimes i wonder if things are just changed around when they come out of your mouth because you dont want to admit to yourself or us that they are really that bad. but sometimes i think that you really think these dillusional things.

the sheppard room upstairs
let's just start off by saying OH MAN. so tonight was a lot more interesting than i had expected. i thought i could just go in and come out without being noticed by more than just a few, but apparently i was wrong. a certain cousin has a big mouth. it was a little bit overwhelming to say the least and those were just the cousins, not the scary adults with accents im not sure i will be able to understand. but in a way i think i needed to be introduced to the crazy..because maybe i was a little too far away from it and didn't even realize. it was nice to start putting some faces to names and desciptions... not that i remember any now that i think about it. but that moment of a bunch of them trying to tell me to save myself while i can before getting sucked into all the large family gatherings, despite to good food has become one of my new favourite memories.
and its nice just to know that he has told some people about me, not that i necessarily need him to right now, but its just nice to know..you know?. and even though im introduced as "that one" they seem to get it and understand that im not just a "friend", leading me to believe that i do mean something to him...something, whatever it is, big enough to not keep me hidden in a little box under a heavy sheet of doubt and uncertainty. i'm at least a little bit of a sure thing.

beep beep, beep beep, yeah.
so that whole business of getting a driver's liscence is now over with. phew. now i dont have to worry about taking any more of them tests and can drive with my hands wherever on the steering wheel they land, and can slide my seat all the way back and can do whatever the hell i want...that is until the stupid government brings back those driving tests every few years like they've been talking about. damn the man. lol

woah blogger is...different
-so just as i get on the nugget bus home today, i am amazed by the fact that the nugget was actually a new ttc bus, and not the crappy old ones that the toronto transit comission has probably retired, but still keep on the roads. so i sit down on one of those single seats still half surprised and think a bout how maybe finally the nugget bus is moving on up, just like how some of the shelters on the route are actually the nice ones now and not the crusty brown ones. then suddenly as the bus makes its first left turn the emergency window, which is apparently broken starts to flap back and forth and hit against the bus beside me. oh nugget bus...how i gave you too much credit..lol
-so the gap accepted my crappy availability, and yes i am working with brian's sister. at first i didn't want to ask if she was brian's sister cause they really really really don't look alike at all.
-even though i thought that once school ended, i would be living at a slower, more relaxed paced, but things seem to be as busy as ever. i dont know what it is really... im tired already and its only 9:30...sigh

maybe i'm amazed
-sometimes it surprises me what he knows. after all these years of minimal communication and half-assed attempts at 'normalcy' (whatever that is), who would have thought that maybe he has me a little figured out afterall. it wasn't as though what he said completely shocked me or anything, because afterall, it was pretty dead on. but that fact that he noticed was weird to me because even though it's something pretty damn obvious, i just didn't think he cared to notice. and a part of me hates thats he noticed at all. leave it up to him to find yet another weakness of mine to wave in my face. hmm maybe then again, maybe it isn't such a surprise.
-i know i'm sounding like moo right now, but that paul mccartney song on the finale of the oc while everyone was dancing, being sung by that woman....just kinda spoke to me. not sure what it was about it, but there was something... haha watch, this will be the ONE song that didn't speak to vanessa.. haha 10% moment.
-so if any of you are out of town university students and want to get a job, just straight out lie about your university or say something about how youre transfering to a toronto school...cause really, finding a place that is willing to hire you just for the summer is a bitch.
-i got the second job....but i may lose it again cause of stupid large companies and their stupid computer scheduling system. geez i'll do the freakin scheduling for you.. working every other wednesday can't be that difficult of a concept. but i think it might be for the stupid computer.
-we're just so fricken busy... all of us. this will also take some getting used to. and even though i was supposed to see you lots this summer to make up for everything...i really dont think thats happening...well at least not as much as we both initally thought.
-i can't tell if im hungry or full anymore.. sigh. im soo messed up.

paper yard waste bags-two tough plies
so im back and i've already realized the half the things i have planned for summer are obviously not happening. for instance, i wanted to rearrange my room a bit, so that when i move out, im not leaving it in a total jumbled mess. my concept of cleaning was sometimes shoving things into the corner of the closet. i want to start getting rid of all the old magazines. really, when am i going to read a seventeen magazine from 1997 again? im sure those hot fashion finds will be great. i want to donate all those clothes from grade school that i am clearly not going to wear but just kept cause they still technically fit. i wanted to also get this ebay thing started up. and even though i am doing absolutly nothing now, the mound of boxes that occupy the corner of my basement looks just a little too overwhelming. if i could, i would just lounge all summer. damn this stupid job thing. oh i wish i didnt have to work. andmaybe yoyo is right. maybe this whole uncertain job situation i am in is getting me a bit down. i didnt realize it til he said it i guess. but yeah its not about going back to the office, its about knowing i may not have enough after the summer is over and done with. i am scared to check my bank account right now. i dont want to see the remnants of what remains after that first rent check goes through tomorrow.