entitlement

Tonight was his first trip up. I completely forgot how it felt to be this emotionally involved again. Had anyone else said it I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But because it came from him... I wasn't sure what to think, despite knowing that it he didn't mean it the way it came out. I just don't want to be the girl who wakes up one day and realizes she doesn't know what she got herself into or how it happened.

Entitlement always was a sensitive issue with me.

flop, turn, river

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone, and I can honestly say that this has been one of the best...maybe even THE best. It wasn't the best because it was anything amazing or out of the ordinary. We spent the day in the apartment and had chinese takeout delivered because we were just that lazy. I've just been used to long distance valentine's days where my boyfriend wouldn't even be there...and then the year that my boyfriend at the time and I were finally together, I was in charge of food and we ended up helping my mom move.

The reason why this year's was the best despite it not being any different than a normal date night was the fact that he took charge and more importantly, he listened. He took care of everything, I just had to be home. He even got the perfect little card with a funny yet surprisingly sweet hand written message and my favourite chocolate. He knew that I've had two weeks of 12 hour days in the lab and that all I wanted to do was to sit. Its simplicity won major points.

Actually, now that I think about it, another very good valentine's day was in OAC when we gave (almost) everyone helium filled heart balloons. I was single and stuck in the chemistry lab working on my independent study but I really felt the love that day. Perhaps heart balloons is the best valentine's.... but this one is definitely a close second.

beansprout?

It's true. You find someone once you've stopped looking for them. And the always come at the most inopportune time.

I was happy with the new single me. It allowed me to be selfish with my time.. I never really had a schedule I had to stick to and perhaps more importantly, being single gave me the chance to devote my time to finishing my master's thesis. I'm the type of girl that will be distracted if there's a distraction, who will feel guilty when I can't see someone I should, and who really needs more down time. Being single allowed me to focus on myself and what needed to get done.

There were boys here and there. I wasn't interested. I was totally devoted to this new me. But one stuck it seems and I couldn't shake him outta my head...and with the incessant encouragement of friends, I agreed to a date. Three dates later and going on a fourth tomorrow, I can honestly say I'm smitten.

I'm still kinda awkward and sometimes I have little freakouts internally... but this one has potential. I'm quite content on seeing where this one goes. I'm feeling quite grown up about this... but like a little school girl all at the same time. Being wined and dined and not having to worry about paying for everything is certainly a nice change... I'll get over the associated guilt eventually (hopefully).

this marks the end of the boy boycott

Differences this time around:

I wasn't dreading the date. I was actually kind of excited for it.

I wasn't thinking that I would rather be with my friends...and thinking of how much of a waste the night was.

I was a bit nervous, which is good. I think this means I care.

I didn't feel an impending sense of doom. no, I'm not exaggerating.

I didn't think he was making up the things we had in common just to have things in common.

I left with a little smile on my face.

Sometimes I still check for remnants of my past relationship. When I stumble on an old photo or a memory, it is strangely satisfying and at the same point intriguing...and like digging up an artifact of a past civilization... and it makes me dig for more. It's really been long enough that I forget sometimes that those past 5 years were such a large chunk of my life. I guess these things are just some indication that I still mattered at one point.