a discussion with myself

i don't know how you do it...how you get under my skin without so much as a single word. how can someone just merely walk into the room and initiate such a reaction within me? i feel so hateful, yet at the same time, i feel it's perfectly justified.

i don't think i will ever get it. i will never understand you, your humour, your family, and especially your thinking. I have never understood how you could be so particular in one way but then in others so different...characteristically different. Maybe that's why you bother me...because you're so hypocritical in your ways at times. that you know how to complain and fuss but don't do anything to remedy these same things. i don't like how you probably don't realize how much we have done. how you think things are magically always like that. or perhaps you think your few contributions are in some way equal. or maybe you know and simply don't care. afterall these things have always been done for you without you even noticing, im sure.

i don't understand how you can be so controlled by them..that even your opinion changes from one second to another just because they give a hint that they think otherwise. i don't understand how you are so dependent on them. i don't get it when i see you struggle and instead of just guessing or using your best judgement, you cower and then go running back. it's like you are incapable of thinking for yourself...and i think that really frustrates me.

i just don't know what it is about you. i can't put my finger on it...

i realize it's not so much 'bad personality' (for lack of a better term) and it's moreso a compatibility issue between us. i'm sure people exist out there that think you're just swell. i think i know some...maybe. although now that i think about it, you're not 100% with them either. i figure you're not a constant person in my life so this anger i feel shouldn't be such an issue. i'll let it swell up and ebb out as need be until it is no longer a problem. this will fade with time, this i know. i think i'm an angry person...

until then i should stick to low doses.

the end.

'it'

how do you know if it is really 'it'? how do i know i am not just fooling myself? people have said (albeit in movies and other fictional circumstances) that you just know. i think this is 'it'. ...but is my mere questioning of 'it' proving that it really isn't?

i haven't experienced a lot in this department. i am the equivalent of that baby that has just discovered how to crawl. and a few week-long flirtations (because they really don't deserve to be called much more than that) obviously do not count. this is my first actual relationship. the first time where there has been compromise and understanding and just overcoming a lot of shit. and sometimes i feel as though i'm too naive to be judging the validity of my 'it' feeling. i wouldn't know what 'it' is or isn't. sometimes i feel i need to explore a little bit, just so that i can fully grasp what i have. a lot of things change once they're in perspective.

sometimes he seems to fit so perfectly (i'll spare you the enzyme/substrate analogy), despite how we are both flawed and retarded in so many ways. it's like.. the things i need him to understand; he does. but sometimes, just sometimes... i wonder if there isn't someone else who also fits. afterall, how do i know? maybe he doesn't fit all that great but i just can't tell because he's like my first pair of shoes and i don't realize that shoes aren't supposed to pinch my toes. not that he's a pair of shoes that does that...

no matter how much has changed, i see the old me peeking out once in a while. the one that is insecure and ready to run and always wondering what's on the other side.

i am happy, i really am. it's just once in a while, my head kicks the shit outta my heart and takes charge for a bit and i question.

undecisive...again

i had psyched myself up for it. i told myself it wouldn't be that bad. but i realize i couldn't do it. i perhaps wasn't that strong nor tolerant. the oppertunity just found me and really, i guess it continued the cascade of events. who knew what one sentence 4 days ago could do. now i find myself set on finding my own way even if this doesn't work out. and right now it doesn't look like it will. but either way, i still need some time. i mean i could just be caught up in it all. funny how i felt so guilty when really the same may be happening to me. but i'm tired of it all. oh if only i were braver... if only i cared more. we'll see how it pans out. there are pros and cons on both sides. some weighing more than others. i hate decisions. i just can't make them.

what i want for christmas...

i've decided that if i could have anything; it would be some more time. it would solve everything. no, seriously. you need money? get extra time to work. essay due? get extra time to write it. need to see everyone in the span of a week and a half? solves that too. that evie (pronounced like the letters E V) chick from that tv show had something there....

i don't know when it happened, but i've suddenly gotten too lazy to do or care about anything anymore. i remember back in grade 12 when i still couldn't drive...everyday i would hop on that nugget bus and go somewhere. all that just to do nothing important or in particular EVERYDAY! now it seems too much of a hassle to take it into campus. i remember being up for anything; ramming my days full so that i was constantly busy from morning to night. i can't do that anymore. i've gotten old- and very quickly.

and again on boxing day...maybe it was the lack of sales or maybe it was the lack of expendable money...but oh man..amanda we were one sad couple of girlies. it's true, trying things on is too much hassle....highly overrated i must say. but i got a lot over the few days considering, but it was stuff that i've been eyeing for a while mostly..like my boots and brown couch pants.
but we had our adventures and found our few treasures (haha i rhymed) and created our curry cloud on the subway. that was soo hilarious that moment we realized we kinda smelled like curry. it's like smelling B.O and then trying to check to see if its from you. oh man. its okay amanda, they'll never suspect a whitey and her china friend. it's all good. oh and i loove that black hoodie thing we got from the outlets. yay for getting cheaper stuff.

another highlight of this break was finally going to one of the boy's fam jams. oh boy he has a lot of family. but nothing disaterous so i guess that's good. and well i guess things were a little more comfortable after the first hour or so and the fact that sam and this girl tammy (also not part of the family) were there helped a lot. it was reminiscent of all those parties i went to with my friend's relatives all over the place. the only difference is, is now i actually care what they think. the highlight of the night? i guess the boy's drunk cousin and his equally drunk girlfriend telling me that i was hot. lol i think i'm gonna like this family afterall. but seriously kidding aside, despite the awkwardness and the nervousness on my part, his cousins are cool and i honestly felt semi confortable with them by the end of the night. and this is good.

for new years i decided to go out. out out like i had intended to and wanted to before break began. i just got lazy as break went on and things werent planned and really, sitting just sounded so much more appealing...just because i wouldn't have to move. but i figured if i had to move anyways, it would be to the beat of music and in a drunken haze. it was one of my drunkest nights. and oh so fun! a lot more people showed up than was first expected and it turned into this big thing. but people were still missing.. i felt it. but i got my dancing out of me and it semi made up for the fact that i missed nicki's b day and hey i'm smiling.

i can't believe i'm back here. as short as i know this term is gonna be, i still don't want to deal with everything that is coming with it.