another day of no flipflops! damn you clouds! *shakes fist in anger*
the one day i finally don't have a lab.
foiled, three days in a row.
this trident very bery gum is surprisingly good. i didnt think i would like it but here i sit, chewing and slightly addicted.
ooh and tomorrow is free flip flop getting day! it's this thing from ralph lauren you get after you fill in a survey. me and jackie will be matching...lol. and you're not allowed to laugh if it turns out they are made of paper or high quality bristol board.
summer is coming!!!! i'm so excited!!!!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
second
yeap second post of the day....weird huh. that and i really can't get into this report. let's just say browsing through thousands of scientific articles isn't fun, especially when you wait so long for most of them to load and then they end up not even being in english. so i have lots of time to sit here....doing nothing.
speaking of loading...our internet is uber slow and i can't figure out why. but then again, i'm not the type of person to even begin to understand why.
anyways, the main purpose of this entry...
i've started to only now have time to think. i've started to catch up with things. and yes sometimes i see things and automatically assume, but i've also taught myself to ignore these assumptions. i'm not going to act based on something i've seen. i've learned a lot from the last little while and at the same time i'm also just as confused. what should i do next? should i try and talk? honestly i'm tired of it all. no more analysing, no more trying to get into the mind of someone else, no more! it seemed that i always end up doing the wrong thing no matter what i chose, so why put the effort.
i don't mean any of this in a mean way. just incase somewhow it comes off as that. it's just how it is in my head.
since all that has happened, i need a break. i honestly can't get myself to dive back in right now. it's almost as if during that time something was lost. and no i don't mean a connection or a friendship necessarily, but more of something along the lines of confidence or trust, although those aren't it either. it is this unnamable something that prevents me from doing whatever it is that i think i should be doing. i can't say exactly what made it disappear or fade or when exactly it happened but it did. the closest i can pinpoint it to is sometime after things settled with that first mess and before this second thing, although i didn't realize it back then. something about the whole situation made me look at things differently i guess and that changed a lot of things. and all i have left is a general feeling...one that doesn't make me want to go rushing back into things. and i know this is selfish of me, especially considering the circumstances but i can't try when i'm not ready because it'll end up in a far bigger mess, not to say i don't still regret what happened...i do.
it's not that i want to end things entirely, i do still want to be there, just not right at this moment and just not in the same way. and i know that it'll never be back to where we were, but i don't need that to happen either. so for now baby steps, i need that something to come back...at least a little.
as much as this blog is good to get things off my chest, i sometimes wonder what the point of it is when i can't even write what i want to say.
speaking of loading...our internet is uber slow and i can't figure out why. but then again, i'm not the type of person to even begin to understand why.
anyways, the main purpose of this entry...
i've started to only now have time to think. i've started to catch up with things. and yes sometimes i see things and automatically assume, but i've also taught myself to ignore these assumptions. i'm not going to act based on something i've seen. i've learned a lot from the last little while and at the same time i'm also just as confused. what should i do next? should i try and talk? honestly i'm tired of it all. no more analysing, no more trying to get into the mind of someone else, no more! it seemed that i always end up doing the wrong thing no matter what i chose, so why put the effort.
i don't mean any of this in a mean way. just incase somewhow it comes off as that. it's just how it is in my head.
since all that has happened, i need a break. i honestly can't get myself to dive back in right now. it's almost as if during that time something was lost. and no i don't mean a connection or a friendship necessarily, but more of something along the lines of confidence or trust, although those aren't it either. it is this unnamable something that prevents me from doing whatever it is that i think i should be doing. i can't say exactly what made it disappear or fade or when exactly it happened but it did. the closest i can pinpoint it to is sometime after things settled with that first mess and before this second thing, although i didn't realize it back then. something about the whole situation made me look at things differently i guess and that changed a lot of things. and all i have left is a general feeling...one that doesn't make me want to go rushing back into things. and i know this is selfish of me, especially considering the circumstances but i can't try when i'm not ready because it'll end up in a far bigger mess, not to say i don't still regret what happened...i do.
it's not that i want to end things entirely, i do still want to be there, just not right at this moment and just not in the same way. and i know that it'll never be back to where we were, but i don't need that to happen either. so for now baby steps, i need that something to come back...at least a little.
as much as this blog is good to get things off my chest, i sometimes wonder what the point of it is when i can't even write what i want to say.
...never dusted.
i am so annoyed at you, i can barely even talk to you anymore... not that we all didn't know that this was coming. anyone could have guessed this would all explode.
through this all, i think i've finally realized at least partly why my parent's marriage fell apart...why it was sorta doomed from the begining. it's a weird feeling when you feel as though you are suddenly in their shoes. years of this can certainly build up a lot of resentment towards one another. and imagine, i've only been having to deal for a few months...and at least i have someone to be annoyed with. and i wonder if my parents knew what they were doing to eachother...or did they just not see?
do you know that you are doing this? ....maybe you just don't see that these things don't just happen. and maybe that's the most frustrating part..that you don't know what we have done....that you don't realize how much we actually do...that you think your contribution is adequate...that maybe these things DO just happen...magically.
and yes, a normal person would have just said something, but i have in smaller ways and it just came flying back in my face. and i honestly feel as though i will never get the backup i need...so this time i'm just going to grin and bear....just a little longer. and somewhere there is a lessen learned. things happen for a reason.
on another note, the people in our new house won't be moving until pretty much the last day, which makes things interesting for us, especially since we want a new coat of paint and our carpets cleaned. so this whole moving in thing is turning out just a little bit harder than expected, but then again we were surprised at how easily everything was going. kris and i already started thinking about our bathroom! haha. as much as i'm gonna miss you packie, i think this whole thign was a blessing in disguise...for us both. and i mean that exactly how it is and also in an extra bonus *wink wink* sorta way.. haha yes TWO meanings for you..lol
liz found out one of the guys in her classes is living above us next year.. what were the chances of that huh liz? and no.... you're not allowed to date people in the house.. that could be very awkward if you break up...lol
oh flying tomato, i just realized how much i'm gonna miss having you across the street...now that i'm addicted. dammit i knew i should have just stayed away.
k no more procrastinating or else this already seemingly endless micro project really won't get done.
through this all, i think i've finally realized at least partly why my parent's marriage fell apart...why it was sorta doomed from the begining. it's a weird feeling when you feel as though you are suddenly in their shoes. years of this can certainly build up a lot of resentment towards one another. and imagine, i've only been having to deal for a few months...and at least i have someone to be annoyed with. and i wonder if my parents knew what they were doing to eachother...or did they just not see?
do you know that you are doing this? ....maybe you just don't see that these things don't just happen. and maybe that's the most frustrating part..that you don't know what we have done....that you don't realize how much we actually do...that you think your contribution is adequate...that maybe these things DO just happen...magically.
and yes, a normal person would have just said something, but i have in smaller ways and it just came flying back in my face. and i honestly feel as though i will never get the backup i need...so this time i'm just going to grin and bear....just a little longer. and somewhere there is a lessen learned. things happen for a reason.
on another note, the people in our new house won't be moving until pretty much the last day, which makes things interesting for us, especially since we want a new coat of paint and our carpets cleaned. so this whole moving in thing is turning out just a little bit harder than expected, but then again we were surprised at how easily everything was going. kris and i already started thinking about our bathroom! haha. as much as i'm gonna miss you packie, i think this whole thign was a blessing in disguise...for us both. and i mean that exactly how it is and also in an extra bonus *wink wink* sorta way.. haha yes TWO meanings for you..lol
liz found out one of the guys in her classes is living above us next year.. what were the chances of that huh liz? and no.... you're not allowed to date people in the house.. that could be very awkward if you break up...lol
oh flying tomato, i just realized how much i'm gonna miss having you across the street...now that i'm addicted. dammit i knew i should have just stayed away.
k no more procrastinating or else this already seemingly endless micro project really won't get done.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
in need of some pepto
i'll never really understand st. patricks day. but it's fun and so maybe i don't care to understand how a religious holiday turned into a drinking fest...just because it originated in ireland? i heard somewhere that it was to celebrate his death. we sure don't celebrate jesus that way.
my stomach is kinda acidic. at first i thought it was the shrinp ring and cocktail sauce i shared with jackie, but now i'm thinking maybe it's also from the vodka last night. i realize that this feeling has been off and on all day and i think the cocktail sauce just made it worse. i really shouldn't ever go back to vodka, it's proven time and again it doesn't like me...ugh.
on campus i was getting weird 'knowing' smiles today...and it wasn't until later when i bumped into an acquaintance that i finally understood. everyone who gave an extra smile or extra nod was also wearing green today, and i guess they assumed...well knew, that i also had not been home yet. and it was true, who really makes an effort to wear green the day after?
we broke the tradition and had martinis instead of beer. i was tempted to have one...since its only once a year that it's green but oh the beer belly of 2004... and honestly it doesnt even taste that good.
went by the new house today too... and yeah my room is small and jess may have no lightswitch and the walls need another coat of paint or two..but the rent is better and overall the place is great and the location is even greater and this has really changed a really shitty situation into a good one. well as good as it can get with it still actually happening and all.
we've decided that luke should dress up as waldo ( as in... where is waldo?) for halloween...well actually, i decided that...he never actually said no. but waldo is great.
my stomach is kinda acidic. at first i thought it was the shrinp ring and cocktail sauce i shared with jackie, but now i'm thinking maybe it's also from the vodka last night. i realize that this feeling has been off and on all day and i think the cocktail sauce just made it worse. i really shouldn't ever go back to vodka, it's proven time and again it doesn't like me...ugh.
on campus i was getting weird 'knowing' smiles today...and it wasn't until later when i bumped into an acquaintance that i finally understood. everyone who gave an extra smile or extra nod was also wearing green today, and i guess they assumed...well knew, that i also had not been home yet. and it was true, who really makes an effort to wear green the day after?
we broke the tradition and had martinis instead of beer. i was tempted to have one...since its only once a year that it's green but oh the beer belly of 2004... and honestly it doesnt even taste that good.
went by the new house today too... and yeah my room is small and jess may have no lightswitch and the walls need another coat of paint or two..but the rent is better and overall the place is great and the location is even greater and this has really changed a really shitty situation into a good one. well as good as it can get with it still actually happening and all.
we've decided that luke should dress up as waldo ( as in... where is waldo?) for halloween...well actually, i decided that...he never actually said no. but waldo is great.
Monday, March 14, 2005
for the other a is for...
just came back from dessert and the bar...i guess in a semi celebration that midterms are finally done. and only about two and a half more weeks until finals start....
i like that what starts as a 3 person thing eventually turns into a 7 person thing just by picking people up on the way. it's a small world sometimes. the bar was pretty full for a sunday night considering people are still in midterm mode. one day we will get drunk enough to actually get up and sing. but tonight, we just laughed at the randoms and the people who we recognized from our classes and have never actually spoken to.
i thought the few drinks had no effect one me, the walk home was alright even with the icy patches and the laughter. but then i went to take off my eye make up and was wondering why my eyes were stinging from the eye make up remover when it never burned before. and as i stood there confused, i suddenly realized i was using toner. and i know it sounds really ditzy of me to be telling this story..or maybe because toner to you is somethign you put in a printer or a photocopier...but just trust me, it burns.
i'm just glad i finally get my break where i only have to worry about a few papers.. yay me.
i like that what starts as a 3 person thing eventually turns into a 7 person thing just by picking people up on the way. it's a small world sometimes. the bar was pretty full for a sunday night considering people are still in midterm mode. one day we will get drunk enough to actually get up and sing. but tonight, we just laughed at the randoms and the people who we recognized from our classes and have never actually spoken to.
i thought the few drinks had no effect one me, the walk home was alright even with the icy patches and the laughter. but then i went to take off my eye make up and was wondering why my eyes were stinging from the eye make up remover when it never burned before. and as i stood there confused, i suddenly realized i was using toner. and i know it sounds really ditzy of me to be telling this story..or maybe because toner to you is somethign you put in a printer or a photocopier...but just trust me, it burns.
i'm just glad i finally get my break where i only have to worry about a few papers.. yay me.
