of the 36 ways to avoid disater, sometimes running away is best
today i actually got the oppertunity to sit on my fat ass and read. really read. something which i have not been able to do for a while. and even though the book is one that i should have read a couple of years ago when i could relate better, some things in it still resonated and stayed with me.
maybe it was selfish but the night that i found out, all i really wanted to do was yell and scream and flail my arms about. it has been a frustrating ride to say the least with more bumps (mountains really) along the way than anyone can ever realize. maybe it was mostly because i was hurt. yes i had my suspicions but you dont understand how hard i tried to tell myself that it was just me being crazy. to find out that they were true and that i had tried so hard to doubt myself was somethig i needed to come to terms with for sure. i see how you didnt want to tell me, because you knew i would certainly disapprove. but i am still hurt that i didnt know. i'm just glad now that you see why. sometimes we are so blinded by what we want to see and don't realize that the picture is a lot clearer to others not directly involved and see without the emotion. that being said, i should take my own advice.

the fat lady has sung
so its over. the crazy week of grad/prom goodness is actually over no matter how unreal it all seemed. it already seems as though it happened an eternity ago and i worry i am going to forget it all. i wish i was half as excited as some people. i wish i had appreciated it all so much more. however it was awesome nonetheless. i love the oacs and the way we cheer when our slide show comes up...and the way we heckle eachother...and the way we party in a motel and talk to everyone and our graduation tassle fights and throwing roses....lol
i'm also glad that despite the non-togetherness of pre-prom, somehow we still managed a little time together. it wouldn't have been the same without you girls. i'm all warm and fuzzy just thinking about all that has happened. i don't want to lose anyone right now because it seems as though i'm just discovering some. its was great

not to mention any names, but some people are really messed up. i thought i had my own problems up at wasaga, and well was a little confused. but what happened put a lot of things in perspective for me. i dont want to be hurt and maybe this isnt the best way to deal with it because afterall when has running away solved anything, but that is what i'm doing to save myself. she didn't run. she didn't even run when everyone told her to. some boys are assholes.

way in over my head..in more ways than one
so maybe taking on this slideshow wasn't the greatest of ideas. okay actually in my defence, or OUR defence rather, we didnt CHOOSE to take it on.. it kinda got left there in the dirt next to us. we are not the people to be doing this. oh man. lol

prom is coming. the last celebration. i dont feel it. i pictured prom so differently as a child. it was the big american version that we all got brainwashed with from television shows. at least it's shown that i've changed, evolved if you will over the years, and well evolution is always good isn't it? there may not be a poufy dress, tiara, or boyfriend; but i do have a dress that i'm in love with, a hair appointment that involves sparkles (oh how the hairdresser read our minds moo) and one of my funniest and closest boys as a date. (haha if you do read this, that's right you are mine..for now at least lol)
it sucks that i have to work tomrrow. i was looking forward to the last rush right before the emotional rollercoaster that we've all been preparing for. 5 days of craziness.. oh man i can't wait.

the italian job
i bothers me that sometimes people who deserve it don't get treated as they should. i wonder if they even see that they deserve better. i wonder why they haven't given up; even after all the crap, all the assness, all the supernice and then shit. Yes some things may have been said, but it is obvious that through the actions the words were not as solid as first seemed. i worry cause i know with every false, stupid move someone i love is getting hurt no matter what kind of front is being put up.

i know he was ruined and that i gave up on him, but im semi-impressed with the effort he's making even though sometimes i worry. maybe its just seeing other people not doing anything that is making it all look even better, but he actually surprised me. i didnt mean to doubt or hurt him, but i seriously thought that nothing was done, and that he really didnt care. it honestly made me smile when i found out it was practically taken care of, that he was trying, and that he is coming to something no boy should ever want to go to, despite the fact that he was pretty much forced into it.

when i wake up early now, its because i want to do something that early and not because i am forced into getting up that early (well at least not for anything i dont get paid for). its a beautiful feeling. and the plan to make them ours is well underway oh dont you worry moo.

la ista bonita(what does that mean again?)
it's all over with, and i know it hasn't truly sunk in yet. i feel as though i still need to get up and go to school, still need to be wary of unit dates, still need to be on my toes, even if only for a little bit. i actually dont have to do anything school related tomrrow that i dont want to do. it's great.. absolutly great.. but oh man three days of work ahead of me too..
prom and grad are next week. looking at those dates on a calendar made it seem like we had so much time between the end of school and the actual events that marked them. but wow its soo close.. *squeal*

it is 9:17 am. i am determined to study for this final. i even got up and showered and put on my uniform hoping that some of the residual school goodness may rub off and actually give me some drive to do work.. or that somehow my brain has connected this unifrom with work and thus i will do some. i didnt care last night. i really didnt. i have never really not cared about anything as much before. no matter how much you tell yourself to just suck it in one more time and sit there and read and do problems, you just wont. hopefully it wont blow up in my face.. ugh..

seeing the finish line
there is one more to do. i can;t believe it has finally come to this. okay, yes i can believe it, but it is still in a sense surreal. i realized only today after talking to moo how close grad and prom and everything really is... two weeks is nothing. here i am thinking i have all the time in the world to get everything done..to have fun.. but wow summer is going to pass faster than ever this year. i;m working a lot next week.. i have no time for anything. so tomrrow is a day of ang goodness downtown with my discman and a book?
things i need/want:
-prom shoes
-to fix my dress (hopefully after i find prom shoes)
-a big summer bag. one where you can throw almost anything in.. a book, a discman... the kitchen sink...
-a camera
-a tan
-a lost of where everyone has decided to go next year, even if its just stay at home, not go to school and be a squeegee kid.
-to buy the stuff to do my grad presents..which dont look like they are happenning, but i can always try
-to find my ta the perfect gift.

i'm sorry if i haven't been myself. these past few weeks have been a roller coaster of being fine to totally stressed to fine again. the end is near. i see the light at the end of the tunnel.

you know youre lucky when you have places to go when you cant go home..even if its just because i live a little too far. i sometimes wonder if these people's families question if i am in fact homeless. i mean they sometimes see me enough to think that could be a possibility..lol

i think that summer has hit me a little too hard. i still have exams and somehow magically forgot that fact and am heading into summer at full force.

glowing from grandparent goodness
its decided. and i know it. even when my grandma was secretly disappointed by my decision and i had second thoughts, i knew that i was going and didnt let it get to me. but i love her still cause she was nonetheless still proud and only talked about the merits of western verses mcgill (where my engineering cousin went) and u of t after i had left the phone and gone upstairs seemingly out of earshot. i lovehow proud she is of me right now. she's coming to grad. i think it might actually be the first one shes gone to. im not sure whether it is the maturity, the distance or both, but our relationship, although less now than it was beofre isso much greater.

sometimes i need a runner up
i know i shouldnt let it get to me, but ive been really bothered by it, especially as of late. i think it is because i sort of gave up on it all, but then something there gave me a glimmer of hope. i cant deal with this. and maybe its just the end of the year stress adding to this decision, but i think it's all ruined. really do i want to put up with all this? the on, the off, the maybe there really is nothing and im overthinking the whole situation. if i just let it be i know it cant end badly right? so that is how it is.

i'm sorry if youre feeling neglected.. i really dont mean to be...
i feel as though there is just too much to be done, and that i am failing miserably trying to juggle everything; keeping all the balls up. i know i've dropped things, people, whatever.. broken them in fact and probably stepped all over them in an attempt to save the others. i swear i don't mean to be like this. i swear i dont purposefully snub you. my mind has been everywhere these past few weeks and im sorry if you felt like youve suffered at all from it. i'll make it up.. to everyone i promise...

swoon
hahaha tonight was pure laughs, i can't wait for summer to begin. there have been many brief glimpses into what is oh so close but never quite here. its like having a taste of that chocolate cake you just can't have and dammit.. i like it and want some more.. lol
and let's just say an old feeling is coming back, but i refuse to let it get to me again. but it was sure fun laughin about it.

i wonder if they even called. i know they have things to do that are ten times more important and havent even spoken much words perhaps in the last little while, but i still wonder if they remembered at all. if it were me, i would have liked to think that even though we havent been the same over the last while, i still made enough of an impact as a friend to be remembered.