merry christmas
i had a "that 70s show" moment last night. it was great just all being together and having nicki's mom come around and hug and kiss us as though she's raised us from birth, despite the fact that im sure she's seen some of these people like only twice before. just seemed like soemthing kitty would do to the gang once they came back for christmas break.
i'm off to montreal in a few hours and although the hassle of actually going is putting me into a "maybe i'll just cancel my train tickets" state of mind, i'm actually kind of excited about it all. i kinda of want to tell everyone of my adventures. just feel different and i kind of want to be thrown back into the family craziness once again to see how it feels.
i got a couple of shifts... and that means a little extra money in my account this christmas.
still got lots to do when i come back.. like wrapping gifts and finsihing some in some cases...lol
im glowing and happy and full of merry cheer. its a GREAT christmas.

today someone said something to me that really made me think... well what actually made me think was they way i answered. it scared me. it scared me partly because i knew it could happen...because i've thought about it before and how it would make things so much easier. it scared me because sometimes i feel trapped...okay trapped isnt the best word..but kinda of wedged? in this thing...and a lot of the times i like being there because its secure and nice and whatnot..but you know me, im never in one place for too long, and when you try to hold me back, i only fight harder.

i'm scared because i dont want to do it, but a part of me knows i might.

christmas break has begun
i feel so content right now...like all is right with the world. the most stressful thing to my day is figuring out what i'm doing tomorrow or how to get from place A to place B and i love it. i fucking love it. and even though this calm is obviously only temporary, i chose to bask in it for as long as i can. trying to let go of the fact that i have no car and the fact that i think my mom and dad are already mad at me after 2 days of being home. but you know what? i dont worry about it cause eventually i will leave. and i know running away has been the source of this family's problems, but hey they started it, why not i end it this way too? its gonna suck moving back in here after my four years. i really dont know if i can do it... i really dont.
i cannot quite put my finger on how toronto, or rather scarborough makes me feel anymore. yes it is home and is filled with love and forgotten comforts and carefree fun, but i see it differently now. i think london somehow snuck into the crevices of whatever my original perception of toronto was and changed it just ever so slightly. it's become more foreign as university became more familliar. it's gotten pushed aside the more i embrace western. i know it will always be this place i come running to for that little break because it is afterall home...but i dont have an urge to be here permanently any more.

free at last, FREE at last...
as of last nigth, i was a free woman. i was so excited, even after i started drinking, i could think of anything else other than PACK!! it is the greatest feeling in the world right now, especially cause these past 6 days, with my four exams have left me drained and needing of love. and so yes it was great to come back, and jump and scream I'M DONE!! I'M DONE!!! as it finally sunk in. going to waterloo for a couple of days before i come home home. then seeing the boy for a bit before a night out with the girls. im freee baby!!!

grr...queen of the jungle
- i am going to get a cold once i come back to toronto. i can feel it. my body has been running on overdrive and when its all done and over with, its going to collapse. i can feel the struggling already. this is how i know its going to happen.
- the caf is closed as of tomorrow night. oh man imagine behind trapped here for exams and not having the caf convieniently downstairs. its either cooking yourself or running across the street through four lanes of traffic in the cold for food.
- 2 more to go in the next two days. i got through the first bit of the four exams in 6 days hell. i'm waiting for my first university semester to be done...and also my first christmas break since well, elementary school without homework or a job getting in the way. this may be the only one for a while too, seeing how im gonna get me one of them jobs next year. but again, no boxing day shopping for me, since i will be en route back to toronto from montreal. yes, ive decided to take advantage of the lack of work and homework and see the family for a few days. hmm maybe i should just come back a day late and go shopping there.. or maybe i should cool it with this shopping thing cause i have no money...and all christmas cash should be put into the "im too lazy to cook, lets order pizza" and "lets go out and drink" funds.
-i'm pretty sure i achieved the 70 i needed in calc. we'll see though. lets say i thought i did better in chem than i actually did. lets just hope the same doesnt go for calc, cause that means i cant really do my program next year, which needs a 70% average.
- i realize now how very little three weeks actually is. my growing list of things i want to do may not all happen. i want to bake cookies...but have no car to buy the groceries and perhaps no time to bake them til after christmas...how weird is christmas cookies AFTER christmas? hmm maybe ill do it anyway..
-i just got christmas presents from the roomie.. ladybug socks! yay.. theyre great cause they have actual ladybugs on the ankles. (oh but in pom pom form..haha i just realized how confusing that must hve been)
- sometimes i just want my mommy...to cut me up fruit at 10:30 to eat while im studying or to be there to gently rub my back while i collapse on the floor for a 5 minute tv break... yes i do realize im a friggin 20 year old (well not, but this makes it sound even worse and i like it) asking for her mommy... i just need someone there to hug me and go "its going to be okay".
- i'm kinda scared for this bio exam.. im realizing i know less than i thought i did... lol mer. okay back to studying
-p.s. this president's choice peanut butter ice cream bar thing is phallic shaped...really phallic shaped.. just thought you needed to know.

running on my last bit of fuel
its almost 7 in the morning. i got up at 630 to study a bit for this 9 am exam, which i have decided should be outlawed. i didnt get myself to sleep til about 415...not because i was studying or cause i even wanted to, but because i just COULDN'T sleep. it was damn frustrating. and to tell you the truth im a lot more awake than i thought i would be. lets hope im still this way 5 hours from now... wow i just realized i have more exam hours than hours of sleep.. mer

8 more days...7 technically
-first exam is tomorrow. chem. not really worried about that one too too much... its the calc on wednesday that im nervous about. 50% crap.
-i had a freak out this morning. kind of out of nowhere. i hate feeling this helpless. and even though they were far away, their mere presence, even only in msn form, made the difference. support can come in a lot of different forms and i was so thankful for this person at that moment especially.
-i know i probably dont say it enough and am too busy to make you realize but i do see things the same way and feel the same way and a lot of other things. its just not as obvious as i would like sometimes. and to tell you the truth sometimes i dont fully realize it myself.
-we hung up one of each of our socks in the livingroom. its christmas up in here.
-hours spent at the library arent cool. the lights burn right through my retinas. and you would thinkin a 7 story building with a couple thousand students and a million books would absorb some of the cold air that is circulating in there..but no, its still freezing.
-december the 16th date. teehee and sleepover plans to boot.

slushy
i know it may seem a little early to be thinking about this stuff, but hey this is london, where people sign leases as early as january and where people like this boy across the hall have parents who BUY them houses. i got my roomates and im happy cause im comfortable with them and i trust them and i know i wont want to kill them in a few month's time. and i get uber excited looking through ads for these houses and it makes me feel grown up even though in my mind, i am way in over my head. im glad i dont have to do this alone though, cause even though i know i would manage, its nice to have someone there with you to pick up the pieces when you feel as though you cant. there might be some struggles later on..hey its not my fault if you just assumed...but im not really worried about those and know they'll just fix themselves.

went to the hospital to hand in my application form...would realy like to volunteer there..might as well while im lviing on campus so close to it and while i dont have a job right? its strange but no matter how stressed and tired i get here, i still always feel as though something is missing. years of random school stuff and jobs have definitly left their mark on me. i do realize that i cant handle a job sometimes and it would be stupid cause i would miss out on so much, but another part of me needs it in a way. im hoping i can volunteer next semester.. only about 4 hours a week and it'll give me something else to do.

so i typed this long ass thing and then i clicked something accidentalyl outside the blogger posting window and it asked me to save it or else it would just disappear..so i click okay and now i cant find it.

uptown girls
i'm feelin a bit antisocial as of late, and i can't really figure out why. the only thing i can think of is my period, but i think far too many things are blamed on it. didnt do much this weekend, unlike all the others here that involved some form of alcoholic beverage consumption and some form of dancing or at least getting outside of this building at night. but i liked that the place was cleared out for me. even though lindsay stayed, she was trying to milk her last weekend of freedom before exams for all it was worth, and i got the suite to myself. it felt almost unnaturally good that i had it to myself the past two evenings. really had that sense of this is my place and i can be bum-y and could do whatever the hell i want. was supposed to read psych and even though i did technically read some, it wasnt all that i wanted to get accomplished. i dont like the fact that there are no assignments and whatnot here..well i do but the drawback is, is that i dont do anythign unless i have to. and of course th leads to realizing i have to read half a textbook for this exam coming up cause being stupid, i didnt read it in sections like everyone else seemed to do.

other things that happened in brief:
-had to face the fact that i was losing jess as my physics lab partner, shes dropping the course. we agreed to continue our friday dates though
-jess got told that she could drop the course, but continue doing the labs since they were half done anyways and just not do the lab component next year. we just have to get it approved by the lab coordinator. our fingers are crossed.
-went to masonville with dan where we both figured out we are not "cosmo girls". also gave him a mini crash course on being a girl and make up.. now he sorta understands the goop his sister seems to own. (hahah no, dan doesnt wear the make up..lol)
-was supposed to watch ohl game..london verses sarnia. but seats were sold out due to the retiring of brenden shanahan's (he played for the london knights a million years ago) jersey or number or whatever it is they retire. since it was snow-raining, didnt bother to make other plans, especially when it involved hauling my ass downtown to meet the off campus people who live so damn close to that place in comparison.
-had the first 'bump in the road' with the boy. it wasnt anything..just a little annoyance..a little realization sorta thing. all good now. it will be nothing but a pebble once the real problems show up later on.
-i was scratching my leg the other day and it felt like a mosquito bit me..you know with the itching and the little hardened mass in the middle. then i forgot about it. i looked a day later and its a big ass bruise and the hardened mass is still there but smaller. so the question of the day is, is the mass there cause of the bruise (like some sort of blood clot thing?) or is the bruise there because i was scratching it harder than i realized?

things while 'studying' at the ucc
chivalry: it made me smile just to watch them. the little things that a lot of us take for granted, like making sure that he gets a chair for her first before finding one for himself...like fixing the wobble in the table once he notices it, or even getting her coffee just cause...all this and he had a cute little accent and messy hair.
Ivey: two business students with laptops plugged in and papers spread across the table with the word 'Ivey' emblazoned on them quietly argue amoungst themselves. words spurt out like 'black and decker scenario' and facts, figures, and margins of all kinds. No matter how stressed out you feel, always look at an ivey person and they'll make you feel better.
friends it started with a group of of two girls. sitting, studying like me. one more joins the group, and another, and another; all people who just were in the ucc too. they turned into one massive huddle of laughter and loud voices. normally i would have been annoyed. but today it made me miss people. i miss the feeling of knowing everyone. i miss the feeling of people stopping me from studying. there have been days that i feel as though im bumping into a million people i know...but they dont happen as often as i would like.
jock this gigantor jock with a walking cast walks by. there is a table covered with everyone's collective garbage. jocks are apparently attracted to shiny things cause he walks up to the garbage table picks up the shiny thing he sees only to realize it is a bit of foil from those plastic/foil gum packages. the look of disappointment and confusion was perfect.
sunshine a pat volpe-esque student walks across the pavement, in full view of all those studying at the ucc with a giant labatt blue i am candian PATIO umbrella. you cannot fully appreciate what i am trying to describe without actually seeing the enormity of this umbrella and the way that the slitted sides bounce as he walked. it was great while watching as the laughter spread across the room as each person saw the spectacle, like fans doing the wave at a baseball game. that man was the sunshine to my rainy day.

there are things i cant explain
trip back home was great...refuelled me for the last three weeks. you know friends that you'll keep throughout your life when you come back and its like you have never left. the fact that i can just pop in and we can talk and go out and do things as though we've been together all along still gives me that warm feeling inside because honestly for a while back there i was worried. i forget that im in toronto when im in toronto now... it just feels as though they are a part of my life all the time.. kinda like if i went to school in toronto but at another campus or soemthing. i'm kinda glad that the big city still has that mystic to it..that i still get a little confused downtown. i dont know if i would want it to all change cause well the city wouldnt look the same to me if i had gone to school there. i like how my two once separate worlds melded together so nicely. i was a little scared that they would clash.

howling
ive been doing a lot of thinking lately..about well the future. i realized that there are a lot of things right now that are up in the air that could affect things later on. and if things go the way they seem to be heading, i might be in trouble. i dont want to end up 'taking care' of people who should not be my responsibility to take care of. just because you did not realize that it is time to grow up and take care of things yourself doesnt mean that i should be the one there to take care of it for you. i want to be able to know that if something does happen, it wont always be me being the one to deal with it. and a part of me doesnt trust them to do it either. and its sad when other people dont get worried about these people til they realize that theres no one there to take care of them anymore. its sad in a way.
in the recent years i've started to realize that my parent's nonchalent way of taking care of us and their busy schedules were a blessing in disguise. they probably feel really guilty about it at times but now i kinda want to thank them. i know it was partly my own personality, but im really glad that i was forced out on my own...forced to deal with things. i think being exposed to stuff at a young age and the fact that i like this independent kick i get once in a while let me be better at this being older thing. i know i can be okay on my own. i get frustrated at people who cant seem to put their lives together. and im not saying that mine is perfect or even remotely stable and i do have the occational breakdown; but i cant deal with the people who cant even seem together for two seconds...people who cannot function even a little while on their own, people who meet up with a little bump in the road and simply think its the end of the world instead of merely dealing with it. i dont want to take care of you just cause you cant take care of yourself. sometimes you gotta actually face the wolves to learn how to fight them.

sometimes you make me so sad...and you don't even know it.

out of the vein
i wonder if i am really able to handle this all. sometimes, and i know this is bad, i wonder what it would be like if it all didnt happen. would i actually be reading this psychology that never seems to get read? would i be in the livng room with my roomates more? would i be better adapted and perhaps happier in that respect than my current situation? i am happy. really happy but if it all didnt happen i wouldnt know how happy i could have been right? its like that movie.. where i think gwenyth paltrow has two life paths..sliding doors? well i actually never watched the movie so i could be totally wrong. im just wondering what if? and i just realied i shouldnt be wondering that and instead living in the now, but the question always manages to find a way back into my mental processes. i always think of all the options...i always weigh out every possibility. its engrained in me. even when i make seemingly rash decisions, the millions of possibilities and decisions have all been looked into in those few seconds. i dunno i think im just doubting everything righ tnow. reevaluating my life a bit. i get like this sometimes.

diggin on you
petrina coming by this weekend was my little bit of home that i hd been yearning for. it was great just to catch up...just to sit there and not necessarily do anything and still be comfortable. i liked that lindsays friends were also over. i like that mallory finally got to stay a weekend instead of going home to work. i'm glad we all got to go dancing together and drunk together and be stupid together. it really has made a difference in my head. i am the only one out of the 7 people that were here this weekend to not be hooked on bust a move. and i really dont think i should get started.

there are so many things whizzing through my head right now. im almost dizzy. the blogging i guess will have to wait til i sort them out cause right now i dont even know what i know anymore.

flu shot tomorrow.

housecleaning
you can affect people in so many different ways without you even knowing that you are.
-i didnt want you to feel that way and would have kept my mouth shut about it if i knew that that was what it would do. i wanted to tell you because i thought that you should know..just like all that stuff you wrote you wrote because you thought i should know.
-the bonds that are between us cannot be broken by a few measly miles. i personally didnt think anything was wrong. i wasnt mad that i didnt know. i didnt think that it was a sign of the impending doom of us. i thought that perhaps because we still talked all the time you just forgot you didnt tell us. i honestly spent like no time analysing that in my head and a lot more time than necessary wondering why if you didnt tell the three of us who did you think you told? lol cause its not like you told 15 and left out 5..you like told one person! lol. i just think its amusing thats all. and next time you feel like thigns are falling apart and you dont have enough hands to hold the pieces together while you wait for the superglue to dry, im always here. i know things arent ideal right now.. but think of all the changes you went through the last five years. things are never static and just when you think they are stuck, you find out theyre not. like who woudl have thought that it took us a good chunk of highschool to actually really find find eachother..
-i want to throw them all into a box and tape it up. i want to deal with them when im ready and able.
-is he gay or not? i cant quite tell...not that i will ever see him again. but he sure makes me wonder. do straight boys have tongue rings?
-i sometimes get so frustrated with her and it makes me feel sad. i cant help it but there are things that really get on my nerves but seem really petty and i cannot bring them up...so oblivious.

according to chinese horoscope rats and horses dont get along
i dont know how he does it. even from 300 kilometers away he still has this grip on me. i hate it. i hate it that even after all these years i'm still affected by it. i hate that even on msn i can hear his voice and hear his emotions and hear the underlying sarcasm and that strange way he says everything that makes me want to hit him and wonder why he had any friends growing up at all. i hate the fact that i am 19 years old and he can still make me cry. i hate the way he makes me feel like shit. i hate that after every conversation with him in person or not, all i want to do afterwards is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. no one should be able to do this to you. its so exhausting the mind games he plays. things may have gotten better since back then, but the issues that have always come between us are still there. he pretends like its okay...but that's all it is-pretending. you can tell by the way he phrases things or by the things he does. things aren't fixed.

he wanted a proper little girl. one who didnt scream, or run around, or did anything 'unfeminine'. children are supposed to be seen not heard would be one of his policies. her brother could run around...he was cute and doing what all boys did when he would crawl over people and accidentally poke them in the eye. she apparently was a dissapointment and well more of challange than he expected (you mean girls aren;t supposed to just want to sit there? i think it was a shock the first time i picked up a bug to show him). he simply wasn't ready for what he thought he was. the girl grew and eventually he got laid off. he was forced to stay at home with the two children. the weekend grocery shopping trips and dinner at home didnt seem so hard, but being a full time father was completely different. the fights started. the girl was stubborn just like her grandma...ironically his own mom. eventually he learned that kids involved more than just feeding and clothing them and things did get better, but he qucikly found that maybe he couldn't adapt quickly enough...the kids seemed to change way too fast.
as she hit her preteens, things turned ugly like in most famillies. she grew up in a westernized world he never had any idea of. her mom tried to tell HIM that girls dont stay in and cook and take care of the family here like his older sister did all those years ago. there was no need for that. and that just because she went out with her friends, it didnt mean she was a tramp gallavanting around town. her mom tried to tell HER that her change probably hit him pretty hard too since she went from the little girl who would be interested in computer games and who helped him to build bookshelves and who would hold his hand grocery shopping to suddenly independent and opinionated. turned out she was not the daughter he imagined or wanted in fact. it was made perfectly clear the night of grade 8 graduation. and yes she did many things to intentionally piss him off and there were months of not speaking to eachother and she was by far not perfect (there was even that one HUGE mistake), but this was a blow that even she was not quite ready for and still has not recovered from.

he still doesnt trust me totally... he says he does but its apparent in everything that he does or says. it would be different if he just said hey i dont trust you..cause then we could at least deal with it. but he hides it and does things that just seem unreasonable. the relationship has never had a chance to fix itself..and by the way things look it probably never will. he loves me.. im pretty sure. and sometimes i know he tries really hard. but its just so much harder to appreciate these things when all the other stuff is... well like this.

i smell like pizza
i am finally settling into a routine...if you can call it that i guess. well its the closest thing to a routine that i have to establish yet. and i despite the fact that i need my life to be somewhat hectic and crazy all the time in order to not get bored, i still need that underlying routine to return to once i get tired; that i know will be there for me to crawl back too when i get scared. and no its not a routine in any sense of the word in a way because there is no schedule to be followed and i still dont know what i am doing a few hours from now...but i think i'm used to things around here now. im used to fighting for the laundry and know when i will most likely get it. i dont even get so frustrated with it any more. my long ass hell tuesdays dont even seem that bad anymore cause i have so many under my belt that that dont phase me. yes theyre still a pain but i know i can get through them cause i have. grocery shopping and going to the bank and liquor store seem more like normal activities instead of major inconviences. i have times set aside to just clean the mess that my room has accumulated that week or so.. so that i dont go crazy from the mess. things like that.. i dont know how to explain it exactly.. hmm.
petrina is coming.. not penta, not pete, not trina.. PETRINA is coming. lol :)

jeremiah was a bullfrog
i dont know whats healthy for me anymore. sometimes i want to scream and just kinda leave it in the corner to fester on its own for a while. sometimes i dont want to deal. sometimes i dont know if im just over reacting. but i hold it in...trying to not cause another petty fight...trying to keep things 'good'. but holding it in is never the answer in my head, but i worry that it may be building..building up .

on another note: i was watching this thing on the life network about doctors without borders. and it really made me want to be a doctor...and not just a doctor but a doctor in bolivia or angola or something. just watching those kids faces made me want to help and be there and travel by rusty truck or days by boat just to get to them so th they wont die. but another part of me knows i would die. it knows i would be the first one to break under the pressure. it knows i cant handle the conditions. sigh.

Question
you know how when you feel a strong emotion, you feel it in your heart? when you miss someone or are heartbroken from one thing or another, there is this weird surge of something that paralyzes you for just a second and you feel it right in your chest. i want to know what causes this. what is exactly in pain right there? why do we feel it there? i know we all relate the heart to emotion, but really biologically, its just an organ there to pump blood. strange how when we feel strongly for something you actually do feel it in your heart in a way..werid.. but WHY?

i'm not alan...stop calling me
i didnt know i could grow so much in a day. there was something about today that made everything worthwhile; that made the crap okay. i woke up sleep deprived and grumpy, and knowingly grumpy too (i still have yet to determine whether it is worse or better than unknowingly grumpy..cause i hate it that everytime i say or do something, i wanna hit myself for being such a bitch). i showered and ate, all the while thinking about whether or not i could in fact make it into toronto, even though i had already resolvednot to go this weekend. at this point, i just wanted something to look forward to...something to get me out. needless to say, it had finally sunk in that the exam-physics of all subjects was today...and that i had a good chance of not doing so well. i went to my nine o'clock class and was incredibly restless in the chair; to a point where my back started to hurt from all my moving around and bad posture. jess honestly made all the difference today. i could not have done that last minute 5 hour study session without her..and the coffee..and the manchu wok (that we both had for the first time in years). and despite this day which consisted of 10 hours devoted to either a physics lecture, physics studying, physics tutorial, or physics exam, it was nice to get that feeling of finding someone that finally understands you...who you can talk to in noises like i talk to the people back home and who doesnt think im crazy for doing so...who knows that the last couple of hours while digesting dinner CANNOT be spent studying and must be spent doing frivilous (sp?) things such as watching downloaded episodes of that 70s show, but still knowing that in the last 20 minutes or so before the test, a quick review of the notes and equations is a must.
also got to know the roomie just a little bit better. feeling nothing but good vibes. and i like how even through the shitty days, a little light comes through. i like that i can still find the good stuff..i like it a lot.

kennedy road
these past few days have certainly been an experience. and well the spontaneous and-not-so-well thought out move i made certainly added to the craziness. i dont think he's ready for crazy ang just yet..lol but it was nice, and i felt grown up. it may be bizarre, but in a way, it felt like my own place.. like we just always wake up and i go walk to get lunch for us and we sit and watch tv...like it was something we do everyday. and it was great getting to know the other side that no one sees. he's really cute with his brother. i can't help but have a perma-smile whenever i see them together. seeing him with his family makes me kinda want to have the same sorta connection in a way. i think i am finally seeing what i missed out on all these years. whether or not i actually make the effort is another thing entirely however. our families are made of different stuff. saw matrix three today, whcih was a pretty good movie, even depsite the fact tht i dont remember the first one and didnt see the second one. i secretly giggled to myself as he bought the tickets. it was just such a 'date' thing that i had yet to experience.
i know we both knew this wasn't going to be easy...but i also didnt quite expect it to be this hard. its strange but i think im falling for this boy..really falling. didnt think that run-away ang would say that huh? but im still looking for whatever it is that will ruin things to come along. not that im actively looking for it. i just realize that you know, this thing may not be forever...and that i choose to take it day by day. and its true, in many ways i am a commitmentophobe (i think i just made up another word..add it to the dictionary)

random
funny how when you see or smell or experience some things, it reminds you SO much of someone else that it hurts to not have them there.

sometimes i have to just learn to deal with the fact that im gonna miss out on things. ive missed out on things before cause of work and whatnot...now i miss outbecause im in london.

no matter how stagnant things seem, theyre always moving...you just dont notice the change til later.. kinda like how the earth is always moving around the sun, but you dont notice it until you see the season change and whatnot... eww did i just relate somethign to science.. haha FREAK.

sometimes other people know what you need more than you do and you should just listen to them.

conversations had by pressing two separate phone receivers (or their equivalents) together are the best...especailly when its with my two.

t-shirts in october
the true beauty of the campus cannot be appreciated until you clear out the tousands of people who wander through it on a daily basis and leave maybe about fifty, drifting about the streets. you only then begin to really notice the way the leaves have changed colours nd have fallen to the floor how they compliment the limestone of the buildings. the streets seem different and the familiar buildings are seen from a new pespective. they look older, more distinguished. even though my friday labs, which end at 5 are a pain in the butt, i appreciate that i can see campus cleared out this way every so often. its really different...really. so much so that the same path that i take everyday from the same building i have my lab in looked so different, for a second i almost took another way..because simply it wasnt the same to me. i started to wish i knew more photography and had an SLR i actually knew how to use. there are some pictures i want to take...crevices i want to explore i guess.. . im thinking that maybe i good 35mm loaded with black and white might suffice.

it is beauuuutiful outside
waking up with the sun shining in and going outside and realizing it is a beautiful 20 degrees can only make the beginings of a great day. it doesnt take much to make this girl happy.

gentle
i learned something today from someone very close. after the familliar feeling of the pang in my heart subsided, i felt stupid because tears started to fill my eyes as i read what was written. never had anyone said anything like that me me before. never had i felt so special. it was as if you knew that it was what i needed to hear... and not even necessarily from you but from anyone at all. it was like it filled some void that i had, that had been ignored. you don't understand what those few sentences did to me just now, but it did a lot...
i don't know exactly what or how, but i know ive been changed a little.

3 days
the exam is on saturday. it's wednesday and i have yet to start studying. i was fine with it until i started talking to people and it seems as though everyone has already started to read up and do questions and panic. its not that i really think im ready...i actully NEED to study. but this is what ward has done. nothing gets done til it HAS to get done. i can cram information in my head and half ass things like no one's business. im not sure anymore whether these are just bad habits that ive picked up or whether these are survival skills im glad i have. its also made me realize that could be really really good student here.. if i tried harder.. but right now i dont think im willing..

i feel good walking through campus.
grown up
scholarly
independent
coy...hahah yes coy
fresh
reinvented
at home
i am woman hear me roar..lol

crash...into me.
i used to worry when people found out; i tried to protect him in a way i guess. i wasnt sure if he was indeed as fragile as i thought he was at times and thought that maybe he would break once a wave came crashing in. yes i thought that it was stupid...that it had to be this way. yes i was a little frustrated..i mean who cares right? but i did it nonetheless.
im not sure what happened or if i just became aware of things, but i think its okay now. i dont have to worry so much. its strange how he doesnt see it; how he doesnt fully realize how things are; how to him people just go to me not because there is a reason to but just because. i see him opening up in front of me. things certainly have changed. maybe i just didnt see it all before.

dundas and richmond
and for a moment it was just the two of us; walking down the rain-slicked sidewalk. the umbrella being held over my head and my hand in his - oblivious of the people probably giggling behind.

and then leo came charging at us like a friggin moose.

walking the sidewalk
this weekend went by in a blur, so fast that i have yet to still realize that it has come and gone and all of the things that i did in between their actual arrival and their departure actually happened. there is nothing really to say about this weekend. nothing monumental hapened. nothing we did was extrodinary. it was the little things like watching my friends being stupid because they are addicted to a video game; or reaffirming a 90% bond that you knew was there all along; or coming home knowing that you wont be able to wipe that stupid smile off your face once you enter the room. it was awesome having the group of us together like that again. sigh it makes me wish that somehow mary ward had ended up coming here because it made me realize that although we were all from different groups and whatnot we didnt care all that much and still all liked eachother. oh we would teach western a thing or two.

karen
i wonder when kids start to notice differences in the way people look; when they start to see what makes one person not like another; when they start to care. i was looking at a drawing my cousin sent to me. she's 8. its of me and her and we look pretty much identical because she only knows how to draw girls one way. the only thing that makes her and i different is that her eyes are hazel and her hair light brown, while mine are brown and black respectively. i still remember the days when she used to draw my hair light brown and my eyes hazel just because hers were.

blueberry muffins remind me of home
they're coming...and i can't help but feel a little nervous. school has become essentially its own little world for me. theres the school reality and then there's also the separate reality that i seem to step into once back in scarborough. they both are a part of me but have never really coincided even though there are many people i encounter that are involved in both. so yes, the bubble that is western must find a way to make room for two more...at least for this weekend.

and as everything here continues i sometimes take a little break out of my day and drown out bits and pieces of lectures with my own thoughts. and all those tv shows which had a big part in raising me keep on playing in my head. and now it feels as though i am living through it... i am now one of those girls who makes those trips home. i am now one of those girls who has people coming to stay. its weird...

jackie is studying...i should be too
i'm in love with my professors.. but not in a sexual way.
i love the way my chemistry teacher talks.. his accent, which is british (we think) and his little boy-ish mannerisms make him the cutest old man on campus. last class someone dropped a glass bottle and the 'ping' of it hitting the linoleum floor makes him perk up from the overhead he is writting on, and he asks, "vodka?" its better if you hear the accent and see the innocent droopy face that accompanies it..
my calc teacher is terrible, so maybe this is an exception. if anything he provides me with entertainment and a new appreciation for ms kopach (thats right i've said it) but he is little, has a little scratchy, nasily voice, and oversized glasses. he reminds me of beastly from the care bears. and im not exaggerating. his stupidity and the ways in which he interacts with our class clearly indicates that he didnt have many friends as a child..and he clearly doesnt have many now. although one time i saw him and his other little old proffessor friends running a few laps around our rugby field. *shivers*
my psych teacher has ways of making psych really interesting.. i admire how he finds ways to get the class involved. i laugh at least once every lecture with him. today we were talkign about dreams and fantasies. he asked what the number one thing people fantasize about. 1200 students yelled out SEX, only to find out we were wrong (it's failure and success by the way). his rule is if the temperature is still in the double digits, he doesnt have to wear real pants. ( he wears shorts or capris by the way.. yes picture patch adams in khaki capris!! lol)

turning things upside down
my new past time is rearranging my room..going through my drawers and rediscovering what is in them...even though i only filled them about a month ago (hardly enough time to justify the rediscovering). even though im more than settled... im always looking for ways to improve. and right now the space is still new..still has things about it that i have yet to find...even though it is essentially a box. how many times have a i moved the rug around already? how many times have i rearranged the items tacked onto my cork board? how many times have i looked behind me yearning for more pictures to add to my wall? it is definintly therapeutic in a way for me...a way to constructively distract me from work.. something with a concrete result i can actually see. i dont sty static. i get bored. its reflected in the way i sit, the way i eat the way i do everything.

hmm i just realized that jaxs locks the bathroom door when shes in there.. at least it sounds like she locks it.. she's scared of me going in there? lol

smiling stupidly
but if you wake up one morning and i look like im dying or im really ugly or something dont run away

and that is why i'm happy.

i dont care as much as you think.


it says a lot. really.

sometimes
i'm scared to death to let you in right now. scared that you'll see and just want to run away. scared that i may come on too strong. scared that maybe i'm not what you thought i was. i worry that one day i might trip and fall and get up only to see you leave. sometimes i may be reading your reactions the wrong way and i know sometimes mine are read wrong too. i wonder if sometimes i am expecting too much....things that in your head you have no intentions of fulfilling. sometimes i think i am trying too hard and get disgusted with myself for being so stupid. to tell you the truth, i think i was just getting accustomed to my box. it began to reflect me. and its not as though i dont want to invite you in but im still not used to it and need that little something to hold on to. not many people will understand why but for those close to me, you know that in the end im more insecure about things than it seems...and i hate it.

skidding along
im sitting here unmotivated, uninspired, un-everything. it's a blah day and i cant afford itbeing a blah day today. theres so much to do.. so much i dont want to deal with right now. everything just seems to be in the same shade of grey. nothing exciting; but nothing bad either. i think things as of this moment are just too mundane. there is no news. there is nothing exciting. i am sitting here staring.

today's exam prep timeline
900-physics class... i manged to lug all my calc books to class with me so that i can walk straight to jeff's afterwards to study
10:00 get to jeff's place. he's still sleeping. luckily the phone in his room rings very loudly.
11:00 actually find a place to study. mind you we are technically studying..but we are also technically talking and eating and making fun of people.
12:30 lunch time...which is followed by a few games of pool. by the way i still suck but jeff didnt beat me by THAT much. i had only one or two balls. i do have the occational pool shark moments.
2:00 back at jeff's room. we're packing. he showers, im on the computer emailing, downloding music for him for this weekend.
3:30 downstairs again to finish studying calc.
430 we leave to go pick up the car with two of jeff's floormates and head to the mall. well actually one of them was forced to come cause we wouldnt go without her.. even though she was REALLY studying.
520: come back, jeff makes sure he has everything ready to go, while i nao on his bed. we pack his car.
5:45 on our way to get steph and go grocery shopping. (yes, this is what we are doing an hour and fifteen minutes before our exam).
607 out of the grocery store and we go to drop off the groceries at my place and at steph's.
6:37 we grab a slice of pizza and bottle of water for the drive back to jeff's.
6:43 leave jeff's place and are on our way to the exam.

so yeah there was maybe 2-3 hours of actual studying...and its funny because last year this would never had happened. who goes grocery shopping an hour before their exam.. lol thanks for the day jeff.. have fun at home. now off to study for psych tomrrow at 9

ba da ba ba bum
so the craziness has really begun to take hold. the midterms, the big-ass tests (quarter terms?) and right now it seems like almost a little too much on top of everything else. i guess i should be glad that its relatively spread out. it isnt going to be like this for the christmas exams.

today was just one of those good days that's a good day without any real reason. i was walking through campus in my peacoat, backpack and a coffee in my hand. the leaves were falling off the trees in different colours and the wind, which was little too strong actually was picking them up and swirling them at my feet. it all felt really good. it felt like the image of university that i pictured when i was smaller. i felt old all of a sudden. not a bad old, but rather a mature old. and i noticed myself walking taller... perhaps a little bit more confidently.. lol it was good.. i do belong here.

grasping
i have a smile on my face. and if i had more time i would try to explain how much the weekend meant to me.... but i must go cram for calc and psychology. too bad these tests had to ruin a perfectly good week...lol

another sip of water
no matter how busy it gets here, when its all done and over with, it doesn't seem so bad in hindsight. but i guess that can be said for a lot of things. this week was crazy...so many things due, so many things to get done. but now after it is all past, it doesn't seem like i did anything at all.
im excited to come home. and even though the inital plan was not to come home til this thanksgiving weekend, i needed those trips in between more than i thought. i'm still a scarborough girl in more ways than i want to admit. i still somehow can't understand how the montreal girls were so able to separate themselves from everything 'home'. maybe i wasn't as ready as i thought. maybe i'm more attached than i knew. and i'm not saying i'm not ready to be on my own, cause we all know i was itching to get out of there.. to get out of everything; i'm not saying that i haven't changed either-cause i have (a lot actually i've noticed); but i wasn't quite ready to let go of it all either i guess. i've been thinking and maybe some of it has to do with some deep-rooted insecurity that will one day be revealed while lying down talking to my high-priced psychiatrist. even though i knew i wasn't going to lose everyone, there was still the chance of it. going back and seeing everything more or less..or rather everything really important to me was still the same sorta of qwelled my fears i guess you can say. i'm not the type of person who can simply go 'screw you' and walk away from someone or a situation unaffected. i become attached, too attached sometimes...and i cant just separate myself like so many others. the people who surrounded me were my family in a sense in a whole different way than my real one. its stupid i know but i needed to know that they would still be there. and it really made all the difference coming back and staying here and going on with everything knowing that. i saw the change in the others who went back also..wwe're all a little more screwed up than we realize i guess.

tuesdays
Tuesday, which have been dubbed 'hell day' because of its 10-9 schedule was actually not that bad today. and i actually attended all the 8 hours that i had to instead of skipping out on a class here or there.
-had lunch on campus with roomate...m turn this into tradition because its nice talking to her and plus it saves me the trouble of running home between classes. mmm greek salad. im craving vegetables here. every vergetable they serve in the caf ends up as overcooked mush.
-had to refrain from coughing for a good 15-20 minutes while in the student health centre. before you can go in you have to fill out a sars sheet. and if i had told the truth and put that i had a cough, i would have been sent home and told to come back in a week. so i lied and stopped myself from coughing... which was kinda hard. but it was either that or get thrown into university jail for lying on that thing.
-i dont know anything about the interworkings of computers. what the hell is an IP address and why is it having conflicts?

also, yesterday night was the first real bio lab. it was that gel electrophoresis that i already did in ap...the DNA fingerprinting thing where the DNA separates. but this time we all looked like we were employed in a research lab as opposed to us just trying really hard not to spill anything last year. we were in lab coats, with our goggles on, and with 300 dollar micropipettes in our hands transferring DNA...it just made everything soo much better. it was a really good lab for me. and for an instant i could totally see myself working in a lab like that. it's times like that that i realize that i really do belong in university despite the stress and work and whatnot.

dizzy
you dont think it makes much of a difference but it does. i can't help but burst into a sporatic smile while going on about my day. its so foreign right now. its the little things ...like even reading something and seeing certain things now and knowing its not just someone else this time kind of blows me away.

i left a few things back in toronto
so a lot has happened this weekend and i think im still trying to wrap my brain around a lot of it. it was supposed to be an in and out weekend of not seeing anyone except for dr. ng and family friends. its ended up not being anything like that at all.
it almost didnt happen. i almost ran away...and i think i would have if he had not brought it up. i didnt really know what to do and the uncertainly well i guess got the better of me. he's the first one...the one im supposed to remember forever...the one im supposed to compare all subsequent ones to.. the one that was supposed to happen when im 13 and not 19..lol. and yes i felt little as i secretly blushed and tried to hold the smiles in but this whole thing is all new. i didnt know it would be this hard. to even decide what we 'are'. yes we're awkward and stupid. but in a way, at least were awkward and stupid together. it may take us longer...sometimes frustratingly longer but yeah... its not as easy as i pictured it all to be.. and as we all know i hate putting myself out on a limb. i had to ask in the end, but it turned out good.. i think.

nachos and cheese
i wonder a lot if the things i am involved in right now are worth it. the headaches, the time, the trouble im dealing with -if in the end its all going to pay off or if its going to blow up in my face. but i guess right now to me, everything is worth the trouble cause im still doing it all right? its hard to convince myself sometimes.

tuesdays are my bitchy days
my chem lab partner is kinda stuck up. she likes to flaunt her 'intelligence' to all those around her. but the thing is she isn't that smart. shes average. and she says things that make me wanna go, "hey im not stupid". so i say things back to make her feel stupid. i want to hit her sometimes. our lab guy jokingly called her a jackass for hoggin gthe tape...so i repeated it saying, hahaha (insert name here) is a jackass as loud as i could...just so i could vent out the sentiment without actually looking like i meant it. people are aware that shes like that. it was mean, but funny.
i came home from my 6-9 lab to china food thanks to jaxs.. luv you.. so omuch.. *muah*

too many hashbrowns this morning
i've noticed that since i got here, i have had an extremely large amount of deja vus...well as far as deja vus go at least. its weird cause its not so much that i feel as though i have experienced it before, but more of a feeling like i dreamt it all before... like i was psychic or something (not saying i am of course). i've been trying to wrap my head around it for a while now. for example this one time i glanced down on my carpet while putting on my socks: it hit me that i had this exact view in a dream or something before. and in a way i remember it in a dream..and me being confused after i woke up as i tried to figure out why i would have a blue and white carpet under me EVER with a fushia thing next to my leg. there is no way i could have known what these thigns would look like because really i have never even thought of owning them before. there was another one i remember on the day of my first lab. i think it was someone's shirt and the faucet in front of them that triggered it. i swear i saw the same exact situation before but in a dream. there are more.. many. i thought i was going crazy for a while.. i thought maybe i saw myself at western all along...i thought of all the other things that i seem to dream about and i got scared because theyre not all good.

reading about the arranged marriages
im reading this special in the star. i found it about half way through the series and have already missed many, so i went to the internet and am starting from the begining. i didnt realize it had such a sad start. reading parts of it made me heart hurt to realize that this is actually what he was going through. he's a boy from scarborough, who took pictures with the girl he loved at cederbrae mall and who sat along the cliffs at the scarborough bluffs and attended york university. i cant help but feel that this boy..well man now, could be anyone of us. and i think this instant connection made his story all the more real..like it was happening to someone i know..someone right now. to have to lose someone like that and then have them reappear out of the blue... it hurts. but i dont think i would ever do what he did.

VIP club toasted on white
the floor luncheon, which was supposed to have been attended by the 45 people on our floor turned out to be a 15 guest event. but what would you expect when EVERYONE was going home this weekend. no suite had all its occupants...many were left with only one or two. then there are always the people too hung over to come. i made sure i wasnt dead last night. and im glad i woke up in time to get ready. i still dont know all of their names, but i guess the effort was worth it this time. i almost didn't go. and hey the pedo that i have as an RA is actually turning into someone i dont mind hanging around.lol

where the boys are pretty and the 'women' are boys
i think i enjoyed the gay club more than the other ones i normally go to. they have fun music that you can dance EC style to..like madonna but the dance version. they have boys that look and smell good who smile when they look at you as opposed to sweaty gross guys who stare and oggle. they have people who say sorry when they bump into you or pat you bum when you get in the way. they have boys who you can hug and dance playful nasty with without worrying and who will also sing the song at the top of their lungs with you. i felt more comfortable dancing with the strangers. and if youre ever bored, theres always the transvestites to look at or the boys looking at themselves dancing in the mirror..lol and yes they actually do that.

loved ones need to shut up sometimes
every time my mom calls, i still feel as though she calls to criticize. every conversation turns into me trying to defend whatever the hell i just said that seemed to disagree with her. so what if i dont always like the food in the cafeteria? i'm sure im not the first person to have said this. so what if i said i like to cook at home better? she couldnt just leave it.. she had to ask why i didnt like the food when other people did. she wanted to know what i was cooking at home if i didnt like the white people food downstairs and i didnt care much for chinese food either. and here i m at 1030 in the morning barely cohearent trying to explain to my mother its not really the type of food rather the food itself that i find offensive. i said i liked it sometimes, but apparently to her you cant like something sometimes.

by the way, im STILL scared of my bio lab partner.
i swear she IS the bully tht ashley was scared of on Fresh Prince of Belair. im convinced.
oh man.. hahhaha

hey CROW
at lunch i sat with the guy that lives across the hall and a football player while watching saved by the bell (which by the way seems to be ALWAYS on). to a person that does not go to a public school with a football team, watch any sports whatsoever, nor cares much about them, it was almost surreal as i sat there in the conversation TALKING about our chances at winning and whatnot with this football guy. the only thing i managed to say was when we were talking about them not playing toronto (u of t) and i quipped in "yeah toronto shouldnt bother having a team, they don't do anything" (sorry petrina but you know its true). this all coming from that one newspaper article on the standings among the universities and my sad conclusion that i didnt even know that toronto had a team so that and their crappy almost last place standing MEANT they sucked and always will suck. luckily my made up conclusion was right and i got agreements all around the table. phew.

i know you were expecting something else
you think you're ready to deal with something at last, but then something tells you that maybe you're not quite up for it afterall. i slowly started to back out and after a while i could tell that maybe he wasn't ready for it either. so why push something we both really dont wanna do? yes things are really screwed up the way they are now, and really i have no idea of my 'place' in anything; and it would be nice to finally get to that step. but really i dont think im up for dealing with it anymore. its hard...REALLY hard sometimes. and we both are people who would rather run. i figure i dont deserve it if im not even willing to fight for it. as with a lot of things in life, im gonna let it just process and see where it goes. im tired of saying things and doing things only to hit a wall. i've hit it before and can surely hit it again. and its damn painful. so no risks this time. i dont think im brave enough to leap.
okay im shutting up.. i hate when i get like this.

drum roll please
i think i might be willing to give it a try. but i guess the 'terms' need to be worked out. hahaha wow i can make anything sound like a business deal. i just wish i wasnt doing all the talking and he would make it easier and meet me half way. as of right now, that could ruin things cause i know i will get frustrated and decide to run.

b is for brown
i like brown. its my new favourite colour. but despite what everyone thinks, i think brown is a trickier colour than most people consider it to be. well for me anyways. i would never wear brown with yellow or orange. reminds me too much of bad 70s shag carpet. i like dark browns over light. but i like browns and you can never do TOO much brown cause there are soo many shades. black you can overdo...blue too.. which is what i have found alot of my wardrobe to consist of. i need clothes. five years at ward has left me with no clue how to dress myself everyday and have to MATCH things. and when theres only so much stuff to chose from too.. well i guess its going to be an adventure to masonville this weekend while everyone is gone.

early transcendentals
i'm not good at making decisions. its something that is embedded into my personality and just comes with being me. and to tell you the truth right now, i just want to say no to it all to make all the struggles go away. this way i wouldnt be thinking about it during class while i should be listening to the professor. this way i wouldnt be distracted from homework because i would rather be doing..well you know what. this way i wouldnt have to deal with how this is all going to work out. this way i wouldn't feel obligated or guilty. this way i can finally go back to forgetting, which in a way is easier. and yes maybe im just chickening out but maybe its also better this way to. i dont know if i want MORE of a challenge right now. things are already crazy enough. and in a way i want something else, which is kinda mean if you actually understood it but yeah...

strawberry pancakes
i like my mornings. sorta. its not the waking up but rather the half an hour i get to just sit, eat and watch tv. i get up two hours before i have to leave in order to get it, but its worth it. i find i cant just rush out of the door anymore. i like to have time in between to just kinda sit alone for a while.

people shouldnt read msn history..it just makes you torture yourself for no good reason..sigh

pop, burst, fizzle fizzle
i live in a bubble. i thought i was uninformed about current events before, but this is ridiculus. there's a friggin' hurricane killing thousands of people and destroying everything in its path..and not only that, its bringing crazy rain, wind and its making people in toronto panic and i did not know of its existence until last week. its a HURRICANE for goodness sakes. i've found that the perimeter of the campus is impermeable to anything from the outside world except for groceries, alcohol, clothes, and people. its as though once you step over the threshold, your mind is erased of everything. what else is happening out there? *knock Knock* tomorrow is saturday. i have a beckers across the street. i will buy a saturday star and devour it. i will beat the bubble and learn things about the middle east, and why i saw yassir arafat on the tv yelling at the american news interviewer. i will find out who exactly is running in this election thing. i will find out what movies are actually playing in real theatres. if you were here, you would think that this homecoming thing was the most important thing happening in the world right now.. like its the olympics or something.

you made me smile last night.. the kind of smile that is genuine and makes you feel all warm inside. the kind of smile that is followed by a tug in your heart. the kind of smile that makes you wanna change things. the kind of smile that forces you to open your eyes.

i am physics queen...at least thats what i tell myself
-about an hour and a half before my first university quiz. oh man...
however, less scary than my first highschool test now that i think about it.
-it is homecoming here this weekend. what the hell is homecoming? can someone please explain this concept. apparently a lot of people are excited.
-brass munk was fun. they said hi to their 'mary ward crew' hahaha. we talked with the little asian one.
-i think i have found a new study space...in the library. however it is right next to the starbucks, which is never good news
-i need more vegtables
-i wish it wasnt perma-raining here so i would be more excited about going dancing tonight. right now i feel blah

thinking again
no matter how hard i try to pretend or convince myself otherwise, im still the silly little girl that cares too much about stupid things and who gets easily excited and who has an incredibly soft underbelly that she keeps heavily guarded. yes i may be loud at times, vocal about all my problems, and seemingly open. sometimes i get myself convinced that perhaps i have moved past my problems; moved past my insecurities and have developed that 'toughness' i have always wanted. i hate being the person to cry once someone yells or to be so stupid that i get frustrated with MYSELF, or the person that reverts back to the shy, mute 4th grader whenever the situation seems to get a little overwhelming. i've always admired people for their independence, their self-confidence, and infectious personalities. i merely pretend. i guess who's to know that they're not pretending right? everyone has their own closet of skeletons i suppose.

well look at that
i am really starting to feel a sense of comfort here, much to my surprise. it wasnt as though i was uncomfortable before (well i was for a bit) but its starting to actually feel like my school. im starting to meet more normal people and talk about normal everyday things instead of the fake small talk i got so annoyed at. the labs and tutorials DO help..well some more than others i guess. i still dont bump into familiar faces as often as i would like but its starting to be okay i can feel it. its honestly a great feeling going into clss and knowing there will be someone there that you know waiting.
the clubs here are a big disappointment...there ISNT a club for everyone. they think there is but not for ang...new thing on list: second year start a club (provided its not too hard to)

hmm.. i wonder what my horoscope said for this month...

upsidedownagain
so nothing happened afteral, even after the freak out. and i honestly cannot say i was disappointed. after a conversation today, it really hit me that if it had actally occured, i dont know what i would have done. things just got so messed up you know? and most of the freak out was because of this reason. im just here.. hi

in need of a little advice
i should be in a physics lecture right now...but i got up and dressed and was already out of the door and changed my mind and walked right back in and took my shoes off. i wasnt going in. it looks miserable outside and technically i already learned this stuff..twice now.
so things got a little interesting last night and yes i needed my moo to freak out to. its times like these that i thank the genius that created the labatt blue line..lol
i'm sure it can't be anything bad, but man it doesnt matter what it is anymore because no matter what happens, it will be bad just because of the situation. i'm just waiting for it to happen cause im so curious but at the same time hoping it doesn't. i'm so confused i dont know what i feel. yeah i dont try to understand myself anymore...

better the second time around
there was something about the visit this time; something about it that allowed me to come back and feel okay about being here. i dont know if it was just a realization that nothing really has changed afterall, or that maybe we are not that far away, or maybe something entirely different that i just cant explain, but what i can say is that it changed me...even if only slightly. i'm more comfortable here now, and on the 2 hour drive up, i no longer felt any pangs of homesickness or fears of impending doom that i had felt on previous trips. could it be a new sense of security? i dont know. needlesstosay the trip and the many people who were apart of the friend-filled weekend was what i needed. hahaha scarborough day.lol

packing...sorta
i didn't think it would turn into something this big. i feel almost princess-y. hahaha. well i do. shut up. and although i was unsure of whether or not to come back so soon, im sooo glad i am making the trip now. what moo said was true, i dont think we realized how much we missed eachother's company until i knew i was coming back for a while. i wish it was a longer trip, not the one day that im really going to be in for, but my schedule's not as nice a jeff's who can leave thursday evening if he wants. i can't wait to see everyone. i thought all those emotions were put behind me now, but oh man they just might resurface. just one more class at 4 and then an interesting trip to the bus station and i'll be home.

just one of 'em days
today in my psychology class, the teacher told us to turn the page of the handout that was distributed, and the roar of over 1200 rustling papers filled the room. that one little sound, echoed 1200 times created an incredible amount of noise. it made me realize the enormity of the class, and how insignificant i, and my sad little rustle was. i think that's the biggest thing i've had to deal with here. i didn't mind so much being different, i minded the fact that i was lost. its a new sense of lonely, but at the same time mixed with feelings of excitement as i explore... its really strange actually.
the girls here make me want to develop an eating disorder and dye my hair blonde.. haha okay i dont really mean that, but wow i think i understand how come girls go to such extremes to get 'the look' cause when youre different in a cookie cutter world, youre REALLY different.

wishing you were here
while freezing on the hill for closing ceremonies, among the many cheers, music, and random noises i heard throughout it all, one song stood out. there was just something about it. and its not as though ive never heard it before, when it was popular it played quite often in fact, but this was the first time it meant something to me; the first time i felt something from it. it was like a tingle or weird electric shock went through me. it reminded me of a certain someone and at that moment i would have done anything to be with them. it made me kinda regret not coming home this weekend. i know two and a half hours isnt far away but its still enough. and despite my better judgment, i'm letting it happen all over again.

wrist checks
things have started to settle down. STARTED. we still ahve frosh going onwhich turns things a little crazy. i think i might be getting sick. i can feel myself getting weaker. this is what no sleep does to ang. gotta start popping those vitamins. although it took a while, i am getting used to the fact that i'm walking around alone, going into massive classes filled with hundreds of people and sitting beside a complete stranger. but ive met far more people this way than i have during the first few days of frosh, which were forgettable. i made my way to the td bank on the outskirts of the other side of campus. i;ve decided to get a presidents choice account so i can use the cibc here. td builds fuckin stadium here but cant put in an automatic teller. meeting up with nicole later to find her roomate and have some adventures downtown. yeah i nkow im skipping out on frosh but i think im over it. i dont NEED to go to a carnival.

i want to take off these wristbands that do nothing more than identify me as frosh (and get me into some events). i liked walking around campus annonymous with my sweatshirt over the unmistakable bright blue band. older students alwasy loko at you and you see their eyes dart straight to your arm for the wrist check. but it goes the other way around too...frosh alws do the wrist check before talking to others. i do it too.. its kinda funny. no one talks to me when they cant se emy wristband.

flippin coins
it was going great..until suddenly it wasnt. i dont know what i did wrong. i could even be imagining this problem. but i really feel as though something is up because well..dammit dont ask. i dont know what i did to make it bad and maybe i do have an idea but im not even sure. oh man why cant people just say why theyre pissed off? it would make everyone's lives a whole lot easier. i would know why i suck and you would get it resolved. its times like these that i understand why sometimes things are the way they are and havent turned into anything more. because if there were, i wouldnt be allowed to push the hurt and whatnot aside, telling myself that i shouldnt expect things and i shouldnt get my hopes up. its hard when you dont know really. okay im going to sleep.

no woman no cry
tomrrow is classes and although a part of me is yearning for something more than meaningless craziness, i am of course also deathly afraid. im not expecting the classes to be that hard, but even today, after talking to professors and having them give us brief 'talk/presentation' about their subject, i was hit in the face with how much i didnt know. there were things that seemed as though it came so naturally to some, like naming the three most abundant elements on earth. things like this i do not know and things like this make me realize that i am in a much bigger pond with far more fishes to compete with. i dont know if im ready for that shot at the ego. i like being on top, maybe not at the peak, but close enough. its scary how if i had dropped three more percent, i may not have made it. i am tired.. but its DISCO SCI tonight, whatever that means

swirling
there is so much stuff happening and even though i am unsure whether i want to be apart of it all sometimes, im glad i am here nonetheless. there is so much to tell and to show but it is 2:41 and havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night since frosh started. and if you know me well, you'll know that im starting to die. its weird how not only are things here changing, everything, even at home has responded as well. only time will tell i guess. thank god for pictures and msn and webcams and microphones. without them i dont know what i would have done. a part of me is still convinced that this is all a trip.. like queens and that i;ll be packing up soon. i need to definitly thank my girls for all the birthday stuff that now hangs in my room. my palm tree is standing tall and for pet who insisted i take the boards of pictures when i was unsure whether i will have anywhere to put them... they helped a lot.

sneaky sneaky
i dont know.. (well maybe i do a little)... but after that phone call, everything sort of changed. it was weird and nothing i had ever expected. kinda like all the things the horoscopes were promising me, were actually coming true.. in a weird and not-exactly-what-it-said sorta way. but i guess ill take it however it comes to me right?
theres four more days and i feel as though i cant absorb it all.. even if i wanted to. i find myself retreating more towards the people i am comfortable with, rather than trying to see the most people possible, like i thought i would be doing. i think its me realizing who is important...who is worth spending my time with right now. if its a maturation, i dont know...but man its gonna hurt i can feel it. things are alreayd starting to get in the way.
someone told me today that they were gonna cry when the time came just because they were going to miss this other person so much. i dont want to be there for that. not because its wrong or gross.. i just dont think i could take it.

ups and downs
is it wrong that sometimes i just want to smack certain people? its funny how in this time of longing to hold on and sad goodbyes, there is also a few people i want to hit upside the head. i feel guilty. i should be missing them. i should be wanting to spend more time with them. i feel like i should be doing a lot of things actually. but i dont. instead im yelling at them over icq.. over a subject that i really shouldnt be involved with. and i know i shouldnt be angry..but man his attitude towards some things just suck. i dont understand how everything in the world can be seen like that. when you laugh and have an awesome day, how you can still go home and have a shit view on life. can't people just learn to deal with the crap in their life? i know this may sound cruel.. but dammit its not like this is anything new.. you should be used to it by now. and it only gets sadder and sadder with each passing day that you let it affect you the way it does. it is like nothing can convince him that life isnt out to get him... but again, this is coming from a person that sees an interesting insect or a cute couple and is happy. i guess at least he's consistent right? lol
on another note..
had an awesome conversation with someone that at one point i thought i had honestly lost. it was made better by the fact that it came from no where..that it was three hours of stuff..that now it actually feels like i know this person that much better. it was great.. i love those talks that leave you glowing..satisfied..like you actually talked about something more than the usual daily crap. havent had one of those for a while, and i realized afterwards that it was what i needed. its times like these that make me wonder how i will survive without certain people in my life.

8 more days... ohman
one person gone already. it signifies the begining of the end i guess you can say. it is only downhill from here as we realize that there are less and less people around and more people that you will not see for at least a few months. it is definitly weird going from seeing everyone everyday to recognizing no one at all. its sad that at every outting before saying goodbye, you have to mentally check if this is the last time youre seeing them because it could be your final goodbye. and even though a few months pass by so quickly now, and it only means our reunion at christmas will be THAT much better, it also means because i am losing people, i have to WORK at finding new ones. i hate making new friends. it isnt fun until you begin to get comfortable with them, and i apparently dont have enough patience. but i guess its all another step to conquer; another way to discover myself. i need it too.
and even though i was afraid, it turned out to be well worth the wait. and despite fights, misunderstandings, and retarded msn conversations, it is ten times better to live through the shit than be mute with the shit until it explodes. and yes, it was appreciated, but i guess you could see that.

cankles
it's like he's back again.. the same person that made me laugh, made me swoon.. made me feel as though we'd always be friends. its not the same as before, but maybe its better because less expectations are being put on everything this time. i missed him. for a while he was ruined and gone.. and it felt as though he really didnt care. no one has been quite able to figure him out...why sometimes he is so fuckin awesome the be around and sometimes he is ass...and why no one knows a damn thing.

learning to let go
some people just simply don't get it, even when you say it straight to their faces. and although it frustrates me to no end, it is how they are and in a way i must just accept. i have done my part and have told them. i shouldnt expect everyone to change just cause i say so afterall. but i hate it when i am the one that seems like a bitch cause im the only one that says anything when the whole world is thinking it. can't we all just get along.. i can't believe this might resort to something already visited.. ugh

if you were a booger, i'd pick you
i'm so exhausted right now... but dammit i have the greatest friends in the entire world! i've never had a real birthday party my whole life. no party hats, loots bags or a house full of kids my age running around. i guess it was worth the wait. teehee i hope the same goes with you know what. lol (for those of you that know me well, you know exactly what i mean, and yes i am a loser). and maybe i didnt cry, as predicted earlier i would in a situation like this but i wanted to. palm tree, flamingos, fishes and birds in the trees, balloons and streamers, angie, pants and sting ray...it was great. my 'boys' showed up and almost everyone i needed to be there was threre and oh man i just have no words. thank you.. soo much.

wringing out the last juicy bits of summer...yes even the chunky ones
i'm busy and i love it! i have plans and i'm excited and i'm ready to finish this summer with a bang. yes it started slow..well actually it was never really slow for me but it was slow in comparison to these last few weeks...but wow what a finale. i'm worried i cant fit everything in and yes although im the type of person that thrives on being busy and stretching myself, i really didnt think that this was how summer was going to end. a little more lounging and doing nothing surrounded by friends yes..a little less frantic (i thought i would be prepared by now) we are all idiots who were too lazy to do anything during the begining and middle when it seemed as though we had all the time in the world. but here the end is, facing us dead on. next week people are leaving and soon i will be too. and i know i may not have that much time to pack between work, family from montreal, our girlie trailer days up north, montreal with petrina to move jeanette up, and all the other goodness with friends, but i figure packing is not the most important thing in the world right now; especially with the fact that clothes, still on the hanger dump into a cardboard box so well and technically my computer stuff is already in boxes, and i only really live 2 and 1/2 hours away and will be back in october anyways. anything i need to buy i can pick up there..there are walmarts everywhere. so yes i may regret this later when i am nothing but a big ball of frantic but dammit i'm gonna suck summer dry even if it hurts.. hahaha eww

the big question of the day
where did underwear come from? everyone uses it: from canada to china to those that live in the arctic. who made the first pair of underwear and why? and how did the whole world catch on to this new invention? i noticed that underpants in chinese is directly translated to "underpants". so did they get it off another culture, and when they asked what they were, it was just translated. i wonder what the word for underwear is in other languages. hmm.

mint shooters
never underestimate the power of a good friendship. i have realized that yes we all get angry and pissed off at eachother for the stupid qualities we all have that we should change, but in the end they are always there. i'm not saying that it isnt frustrating when people are so goddamn cheap, or when they choose to be a hermit in their home instead of seeing people, or when something is wrong (and you know it for a fact) and they wont say a fucking word (way to help the situation by ignoring it!)...but it's not like that alone will destroy everything. i bear, i ignore.. and you learn to just not care so much about it. but no matter how used to it all i THINK i get, the pangs of resentment and feelings of being taken for granted (or that maybe you just seem to care more than they ever will) always resurface.
it's times like these that you gotta remember that they are worth all $120 or that maybe the laughs and good talks more than make up for all the added stress (from going what the hell?) as you try to understand their reasoning for doing asshole things. you gotta remember there might be actual valid reasons for not going to the beach for someone's birthday for instance. but dammit i just dont understand sometimes. this must be one of those things that you dont know why you do, but do it anyways... like how some battered wives go back to their husbands after one teary, apologetic conversation on the phone, only to get beaten again. that being said, i'm sure im not the most easy person to deal with either.

10...9...8...
i am already starting to feel uneasy. a certain churn of the stomach visits me every once in a while. i've realized how little time i have left and am definitly getting nervous. it feels like the last three weeks are being eaten up so quickly already and they havent even begun. family is coming down, im working like everyday...people are leaving earlier than expected. i hate this. i would rather be in the mess than just waiting for it. im gonna start to freak out.. i can tell. just wait for the explosion.

a box of paper
last night was the first time we all embraced the fact that we were all splitting up. who knew a bunch of magazine ads categorized according to universities would be so much fun. it was definitly one of those times that the truth hits you in the face but at least this time, the usual sting that accompanies it wasnt there. we've begun to accept it and judging by nights like last night you know that obstacles like these arent substantial enough to break us down. it may leave us a bit worse for wear as it has before, but we always find out way home.

everything no matter how ugly can be beautiful. you just have to see it in the right context
two people sitting on the subway. one man one woman. they are overweight...so much so that they sort of spill over onto eachother and out of the two seater they were sharing. Their clothes are glaringly bright, mismatched, and have various stains on them. Their faces are pink and saggy and really not that much to look at. anywhere else..even on their own, they would have attracted stares. but when the old man reached over to hold that fat woman's hand, i felt my heart cringe. they somehow, in a matter of milliseconds turned from kinda grotesque to incredibly cute.

on a street corner. north side of queen between university and yonge. there is a homeless person with about 8 rats on his arm and a little box of change at his feet. yes he is dirty. yes the rats are furry and long-tailed. everyone shudders or takes the extra time to walk in a big circle around the man, or kicks the man's change box accidentally in their attempt to quickly get out of the man's vicinity (and well no one helps him pick the coins up cause...well.. there are RATS there). but you have to think. where did that man get those rats from? even though there are pprobably millions of rats in toronto's streets...this man has been able to not only catch them, but to also train then. you gotta at least give him credit for that. Street bum one minute...tamer of wild animals the next.

you can't lose something you never had
so right now i'm extremely disappointed that moo can't have a hole punched into her nose (care of me). i was actually really looking forward to it, not because i want one or anything... just because i know where she's coming from; what she has had to do; and well if anything it was symbollic in a way, in addition to the fact that it would have looked awesome. talk about a birthday present that lasts forever huh? well i have a back up plan.. its not as good.. but i guess it will have to do.

slightly less than half
I scored a 48% on the "how asian are you?" Quiz! What about you?
oh the things i do at 1 in the morning

You know you have to get out when:
-you find all your stuff off the table you left it on and placed into a cardboard box, which has been left in the corner of the room
-your brother, being too lazy to turn on the other computer, decides to use the one i'm on when i go upstairs to make lunch...oh and he closed all my programs
-you speak more to a person at western university over the phone than members of your own family
-you realize you can live perfectly well on your own cause after two weeks of non-home cooked meals, your mom serves you boiled broccoli and store bought chicken for dinner (gee..i could have done that)
-you get mad just KNOWING there are others in the house
-the only conversation you make with your mother all day is the arguement you had about whether or not kleenex boxes are allowed in the green bin (for the record...if ice cream boxes are in, why the hell not kleenex boxes?)

post its
when did it all change? i dont know. i want to rewind my life and find that precise moment where my entire opinion changed. i want to know what happened to make me feel this way. i thought for a while that maybe other people's opinions clouded my judgement, but i honestly cant say that because at one point i was one of their best supporters...one who was ready to defend. maybe after a while i didnt know what i was defending.. maybe.. i saw things that i didnt before..maybe before i was just used to it...maybe i stopped caring? its a little scary to me. have i forgotten all the goodness that i once saw? perhaps i have changed and just view things differently now. its not that im surprised of the change..because my view of people change all the time.. i just mind THIS change because it really wasnt for the better...in fact its quite different. it's been a while since i have wanted to hit someone in the face... and hurt them. it says something indeed when the mere thought of it all puts you in a foul mood.

nehru
it was strange. i went through her things today simply because i was there and i know this may be morbid and weird of me to say, but it was almost as if she was dead. i havent seen her for the longest time..have barely interacted with her... i once saw her like everyday and now i hear tidbits of her life through other people's mouths...she in a way is gone. just a memory almost. hmm.

purple
a couple of nights ago i learned that you are never too old to yell, slam doors, and bawl while seeking comfort and solitude in your closet. it was like i was a little kid again-hiding there, crying in the dark. it was weird and i felt stupid but i also felt a sense of comfort, like an old security blanket. and even as i sat in there recently the old feeling was still there. It was all very interesting to say the least. i dont think my parents know exactly how screwed up stephen and i really are. i dont even think i fully know, although i am discovering more everyday, and quite frankly i'm scared. it was definitly an eye-opener, especially for my mom, who i am sure knew it all along but needed me saying it to confirm it. to my father however, well he remained unscathed at the fact that his daughter was in tears, not bothered by the fact that what was coming out of my mouth was years of supressed frustrations about the whole situation, unaware of how much we were both really hurt. new rule: when i grow up there will be no fighting in front of the kids...no name calling.. no dragging mistakes made 20 years ago...it's childish; immature. the world needs more best friends who you can count on to cry to and tell you stories to make you forget about everything until your so exhausted, you have to go to bed.

although it all started like a day from hell, with a conflict already brewing at 530 in the morning, this academic orientation day was really what i needed. yes i could have gone without the lectures about meal plans and how much fun i am going to have at western, and yes the afternoon, especially for me was full of waiting around doing nothing.....but in the end it was all worthwhile. strange how a few little things can change the whole day around.
the machine that made western id cards was broken (way to go leo) and no one was supposed to get their id cards til september. but somehow me and this other girl got some inside information on where to acquire them at another building...haha so ang has her card! yay!
i also found an awesome proffesor and can't wait to be in one of his classes. he actually made me excited about western again...excited about learning and school and everything. he helped me with my whole bio dilema and everything else that was on my mind. he even went out of his way to track down the head science councellor to make sure i would be okay. he's one of those people that make you feel good about a decision even though you're ready to wet yourself...someone to be confident for you when you aren't. he honestly MADE me confident...we sat the three of us...me and two university adults and all of a sudden i felt really good about everything...like i belonged and would be okay. she was even ready to write me special permission to get into this class reserved for 2nd yr students, but couldn't find the pad... they gave me their card to call anytime especially after first year to talk about my options and it looked like they REALLY meant it.. and even though i know there are thousands of students and they wont remember me, it was what i needed at the moment. so ang will try and take those second year bio courses.. ahhh..or at least juggle the decision until aug 1 when i can register.

oooh shiny
two days in a row of downtown is a little too much for me. it weird to think that people will be living in it all. steps away from the art exhibition in front of city hall. a few stops from stores supplying anything in the world that you want or need. im tired. but it was great both days.
i got my other ear pierced today. my rook. im even again now. lol. im debating whether i should just tell my mom or let her discover it on her own. im wondering how long it would take her to find out. im trying to figure out if it would be better for her to find out sooner on her own or later. hmm. why do we all get piercings and tattoos and whatnots? sometimes i feel like ive fallen into some sort of trap people have set out for me. there are all these articles, tv shows, people trying to deconstruct teenagers and find out what really goes through their mind-trying to tell parents that perhaps these are rites of passage for our times in a sense, or that we are all looking for some way of rebelling. i just think they look cool.. lol

swinging a bat
i think i may have done something stupid. do i regret it? no. well at least not yet. but why did i do it? i'm not sure to tell you the truth. did it accomplish anything? maybe. maybe i just needed to get it off my chest. maybe its because i would have wanted to know..even if it didn't matter. let's just hope it doesn't ruin everything.
sometimes i think i'm too irrational. i do things spur of the moment...thinking hurriedly about the possible outcomes (yes i still try and think of what may happen, i am ang afterall). i'm begining to think that maybe this is just how i work. this is just how i get things accomplished. it's weird feeling my heart poiunding, my head getting light with all the thoughts rushing through it at once. i dont thinki was ever one to think on my feet too well. i was always too calculating...too reasonable.

trippin around downtown...throw me a crumb, throw me a bone
i stumbled upon an interesting blog today. stumbled as in i was bored and kept on clicking on people's links until i found it and interesting meaning that it was the blog of someone i knew. i knew this blog existed, i had seen it before. but it wasnt until i found it again that i remembered. in many ways he is still the boy i had the huge crush on in elementary school. same sarcastic wit; same not so hidden nerdiness; and through the pictures posted, even the same eyes that had taken my breath away all those years ago. he has a girlfriend now. someone i also know. someone i and all those around me would never have put together. they look so happy. it's nice to know what is going on. to know that his little brother and parents are okay. to know that he still lives in the neighbourhood. i haven't really spoken to him since grade school-the year he found out an awkward little asian girl a year younger than him had a crush on him. i dont count polite conversation made in school or the occasional question here or there. i don't think we ever grew out of that oh my gosh that girl likes me phase. it always stuck.

enfermo y se canso de ello
a week into summer break and its already happening. it feels as though i am already losing touch. i know it is only temporary until this whole rush subsides, but it is an odd feeling having someone who was once there almost everyday in some form suddenly not.
i am getting old. the girl that one could barely keep at home no matter what circumstance is begining to die. i want to just lie around...read...sip lemonade. a total 180 from someone who was willing to get up early and take the bus just so she wouldnt have to be home.
i want to quit. i really do. it sucks when you work with someone who knows you outside of school. that whole guilt thing comes in. damn guilt. honestly, its not the job itself, its the people, the situations. i hate it. two more months ang two more months.