procrastinating
here I am supposedly studying for physics. I mean I skipped all my classes today to study. But instead I am thinking of everything else I could be doing with my time. I am not at all freaked out this exam. I think I've stopped caring. Either that or I have some dillusions on how much I actually know....cause if my quizzes have been any indication..well it's not much. I think I'm gonna go grocery shopping now. I know,but I want chicken nuggets this weekend and I'm uber busy.

ch-ch-ch-changes
what is that fine line that separates what should be expected from expecting too much? I don't think I cross it, but sometimes the reactions of people make me stop in my tracks, look around, and take a few steps back. Is it really that much to ask? I know it's never coming and I'm adding it to the pile of things i never expect to see or hear about again. And I often wonder, is it healthy to be doing this? To be let down and just accepting it? It's done mostly because I don't know... maybe I am asking for too much. But tonight, I don't know...it just didn't seem like a big thing, but the way you at first refused, and then the way you replied; I knew I should just forget about it.

I remembered today in conversation, you said it was "okay". and I know this may not make sense because its totally out of context, but you know what? it wasn't there for you to be okay with. I told you it was kinda important and if anything I should be the one saying "its okay". in my head I think you're a little relieved that its not happening. sometimes you are so dense and i dont even think i mind it as much anymore...but I think what really got me thinking was the fact that I actually had something planned for you.

sometimes i need you here cause youre the only one that understands.. ugh!

they are up-ing the minimum wage, which is very good for a girl on the job hunt.

i don't want to read textbooks anymore. I don't want to learn about things that I technically already know, but are made exponentially harder. It's bad enough that I don't get to read books I really want, but I don't even have a slight interest in these anymore.

I've been floating around here like it's all a dream. I dunno everything just seems so unreal as of late. I've been feeling the dream-like quality of things in the weirdest of places... like i'll be standing in the shower or watching tv in the livingroom and just have a WOAH moment. It's weird.

Tomorrow its the start of the exams.. sigh. first batter up is physics.

keyboard grit
sometimes you are thrown off guard even when the outcome is one that you expect. there is a first time for everything i guess you can say and last night was one of those; where i just kinda sat and didn't know what to do. i fought the urge to run away and yeah eventually it got dealt with. i need that shove in the right direction a lot of the times to get me going. i was so scared. you know how i think that things happen for a reason? well last night, i think it made me realize something. cause lately i've been having doubts about everything and well despite how crappy things got, it was better in the end. so im not saying i'm glad it happened cause it was still interesting..but it did make me open my eyes a little and figure out what was going on.
summary: yes i do feel different and in a good way...i think i just needed to have that reaffirmed.

purple doors
i know you shouldn't have to fight for me, but sometimes i think that because you don't you may just lose me. kinda like how if youre the little runt, you better learn to fight hard for your food otherwise you're not getting any of it. it's not my fault there are other things. im not going to say no to a definite for a maybe. i just want you to take charge sometimes.. tell me where to go what to do.. not in that way but you understand. sometimes my head hurts from the thinking.
and sometimes i don't know...i really don't.

strengthen, lengthen, and tone
this morning linz and i couldn't tell whether snow was actually falling or if it just looked like it was snowing from all the snow being blown off the building tops. turns out it was BOTH. honestly, if it's not continual rain, its continual snow. living in a snowbelt sucks. however it was great seeing tall and lanky jeff almost get blown off the sidewalk like a leaf from the winds and then proceed to make fun of himself for it. i may short and round..haha but i'm like a ROCK baby.

these fish are a clear indication of what type of a mother i will become if that ever happens. yes i may do things that are stupid like do a complete water change cause i cant figure out any other way to get out the crap sitting under the rocks, or put my fish in dixie cups while im changing their water, or make their new water from a combination of boiled water and refrigerated brita water (hot plus cold duh! because our tap water comes out white), but i do them cause in my head these things aren't going to kill them. (when in actuality, they might). i'm not doing them knowing that hey its gonna hurt them; im doing them because i think that they can just deal...i guess tht just amounts to negligence huh? so i think my fish are slowly dying and i just dont realize. oh man im gonna be one of those mothers that let their children put their hands in electrical sockets just because i know the mild shock wont kill them and that they'll learn the lesson themselves..lol (hmm is it a mild shock?)

i feel like twirling... twirling down the hall, twirling in the ucc. haha i dont know why but i do.

the search for the eskimo boots ended. well technically i gave up. london sucks. im gonna go check in toronto maybe if i have the time. some were a little too eskimo.. yuck. and some were cute and half off but yeah me and my stupid calves.

the space between
sometimes you do something and at the moment you feel stupid and insecure about everything but something within you just makes you do it despite your better judgement. i don't know exactly what happened and quite frankly the memory of it is quite blurry right now. i guess there was something...some part of me that just needed to say it, needed to get it out because i've been thinking about it for a while. i guess it's just never been in me told hold something like that in for too long. sometimes i take a look back and wonder if its all affecting me already, and in more ways that i realize. and maybe i just don't want to think about it anymore. and its true, i think too much for my own good sometimes. but i can't help it i swear.

turning
when people try to do something for you for your own good, its best to not fight it and just accept and give into whatever it is, because when you realize why, you see that maybe you gave them a little more credit than they deserved.

highlighter
-the blog got a little makeover today. i still can't find where to change the colour code for the words on the side br, but im starting to like the orange.
-the roomies found a house too today, we're neighbours. tomorrow, the girls, yes all four, of suite 325 will no longer be homeless...and will instead be owing a LOT of money to this london property corporation.
-algebra should not have a lab component; especially when this lab component involved me typing out cryptic codes onto a computer and making it do things. does anyone else know what sqrt(A)^2 is supposed to mean? it actually is a command to maipulate a matrix of some sort. it felt like i was taking a course in computer programming.
-i think im coming home the weekend of the 23rd. probably.
-so i decide to be somewhat responsible and tell my dad that i got place and am signing the lease. instead of being happy, he goes into rant asking if there is a "sub lease". he asks, well if one of your roomates decides to run off what are you going to do? and i replied.. um its jackie and jeff, i know their parents, i'll go to them for the money. he apparently didn't find this very amusing. just the way he was like well i did my part, if anything happens down the line, you cant say i didn't try to tell you. it makes me wonder why i try sometimes.
-out this weekend with jess maybe? we're trying a new place-the martini lounge.. lol sounds exciting.
-my hair feels long...must resist the urge to cut it.

there are times when you frustrate me to no end or make me upset...and you dont even know it.


then there are times it scares me how much i miss you.

grilled cheese
i can't quite put my finger on what i've been feeling these past few days. but i can't say it has been good. it's been a mixture of insecurity, annoyance, fear, and well all other things negative i guess. i'm working my way through things, trying to not let them affect me. and even though people ask, i dont want to share because a part of me thinks that i am being petty, stupid, and over-sensitive about certain things.
i think with the incoming of the constant snow that proves we are in a snowbelt, the magical feeling i held for this campus made an exit. its not that i dont like it here, i really do- but campus no longer makes me feel the same or makes me smile inside the way it used to. perhaps the copious amounts of slush have put a damper on things since it is nothing but wet and cold all the time (there is afterall only so much snow-in-your-face one girl can take) and everything now seems so routine and familliar. i'm waiting for spring to come.
i thought about it today. REALLY thought about it. and for a while it felt okay to go through with it. it was the weirdest feeling knowing that i would let myself do that. it was the weirdest feeling thinking that i would be okay after it, when i know i wouldnt be. maybe its from everything people have been telling me. what they dont know is that it would so much more affected than even i would know. but yeah, i really did think about it, to a point where i was going over the scenario in my head and i saw it come to life.

inside my head and in my space
-so the lease is getting signed tomorrw, 430. oh man. haha its great seeing how giggly jeff and i got. to the point where we drew up the floor plan and started looking at the prices of double vs twin beds.
- i didnt realize this, but man he's mute in a way too. i thought he would be there to back me up but once again i was singing lead with two mute backups when i really didn't want to.
-when she suggested that maybe i should ask, i wanted to drop kick her in the face.. i know i wouldnt have made it, but oh man i would have been willing to dive and fall on my face trying. what the hell-how can you ask a 19 year old who doesn't know what the hell she's doing over grown ups and her own grown son.
-i have started a new workout thing. well i've been once, but im looking into making it routine. bi-weekly at least maybe even tri-weekly. ooh im excited. and i figure even if i try and fail and give up, its still more hours of exercise than i would have done right? ooh feel that blubber melt..lol
-realizations are sometimes fun..even when they are about things that frustrate you, but only when there are people to laugh at the stupidness with you.
-being unmotivated and just sitting there being blobby isn't sexy.
-i keep on forgetting to tell my father about my house
-i ordered cheques-real ones with my name and address already printed on them. no more perforated-edge cheques with 4 blank lines for you to write in your name and address for me anymore.
-i am getting no work done as usual BUT i did better on my tests this week AND i actually liked my chem lab.
-sometimes i'm just too sensitive to things
-so maybe this getting my period on a regular basis isn't all its cracked up to be. every 28 days (21 really, cause by the time you finish it) is sooo often! oh man. its like i JUST had it.
-i had HIVES on my arm the other day.. i dont know from what.. all i kept on thinking was maybe its from the alcohol last night. but if it was really from that, it would have appeared sooner than the night after right? i dunno. but i dont have an antihistamine here. and by the way theyre gone now..and im not tht sure they were hives either.
-first purchase for my new house: a frivilous new vase for my fake fuschia gerberas.
-going to try and finish my book now. turrah

shocked
you know you are more like on of those stupid girls than you thought when you start to think certain people are saying goodnight in the wrong way. i know it means nothing and i tell myself that, but a part of me still was a little let down. i think the syndrome may be kicking in. i refuse to let it take me.

here, we'll flip a coin or something
the struggles are over, even though it hasn't been very long. but yes, its pretty good for what we're paying but needless to say, i will need one nice job this summer. but i think it is do-able, especially if i am working part time next year. oh man. but yes the lease will be signed eventually, once jaxs' parents have a look at it and once we find some time that fits all of our schedules. we showed jeff the place we liked and two hours later when we were ready to look at it a final time before we decided between that one and another, it had already been taken. LESS THAN TWO HOURS. luckily there was a comparable unit across the street. phew

excited and feelin kinda old.. teehee.. now if i can only figure out what this guarantor person is..lol

my list of realizations:
-that i like hats. and even though the whole toque (sp?) thing is lost on me, other hats, if i can find them are great and fun and playful...and great at clubs.
-that i like the fact that when boys hit on me and ask me for my number, statements like, "i dont think my boyfriend would appreciate that" are no longer just lies. and i say this with an inner smile, even when they are sorta cute. and i think im proud of myself for that.
-that really, at a dollar a cup, albeit a small cup, it doesn't matter that beer doesn't taste that great. its a DOLLAR per cup. and im a cheap drunk so really i'm even CHEAPER (monetary wise) now.
-feta cheese on pizza is the greatest thing in the world.
-my tendency to attract the grossest guys in the world still holds true, even when i thought it was over...this reaffirmed by the sasquatch-like thing that was dancing with me last night. surprisingly my nemesis saved me. hah nemesis.
-i'm glad that i'm not like someone right now...who is in a very awkward position. i guess all the trying that i did earlier on helped..and i cant say that i dont wanna go "i told you so".
-cris is great for conversationing...if thats even a word.
-even though i sometimes get these pangs of "oh man i wish so or so was here" i like the fact that i'm away a bit. not cause i don't want you here, but i like that its special when i come home.
-i dont think vodka agrees with my body. however gin seems to go down quite fine.

a jar of moths
i wanted to go home and prove to myself that it wasn't just an msn relationship. in retrospect, i don't think i ever got my answer.

another hit please
it all seems a little overwhelming already...and it's only the first week back. its the little things that make it hard, the things that make me feel discouraged, that make me scared, that make me feel like i should just run away. its when you think you know something and then when they hand you the test, you find out you really dont. and the test seems to be made of questions you have never seen before and you dont even know where to start. or the fact that within two classes of linear algebra, they have manged to cover the equivalent of 5 mary ward units. there's still a whole semester to go, what the hell?!?! or when physics just gets harder and harder and the only thing keeping you going is the fact that its already half over. i'm sick and crabby and all i want to do is curl up into a ball under the covers and disappear for awhile.

circles
so its back to the same ol routine and even though these past three weeks flew by, i am sorta ready to go to school. of course, an extra week would have been perfect, but i guess you cant have too much of a good thing. the goodbyes weren't as hard as i imagined them to be. of course i did have my moments...but i seriously pictured them far worse in my head. i think it'll be a little while before i realize that people arent just a phone call away anymore.

city fever
i took the boy out on a date today... kidnapped him ang style-on the ttc and dragged him downtown. haha it worked out so that i picked him up and everything...well technically.
the plan was to go skating. this was hatched because apparently the boy couldnt skate and well i just wanted this oppertunity to see him fall. and we got down to nathan phillips square and it was uber crowded and the ice was melting and the skates didnt fit quite right, so we knew even before putting on our skates it wasn't going to last long. but yeah the boy lied.. he can skate.. well not skate skate but it was wayyy better than he had led us to believe....let's just say i was the one who fell first...stupid boy knowing how to skate when he wasnt supposed to. went to the AGO to see the degas exhibit i wanted to...bum wet and everything.. stupid melting ice. and after a few hours in there, we foudn oursleves walking around downtown looking for a restaurant. ended up at some italian place on front. really good. and yes petrina, we did order the garlic bread and it was great.
so yes great day and i need to get these great days in before i go... and up until today the boy and i havent really spent any time on our own.. well not outside our houses. it was nice just to walk around holding hands or with my arm wrapped around his. it was nice to look up and see his face right there and feel that little smile appear on my face. it's going to be interesting going back to school and not having him there... interesting indeed.

by the way, chua and dim sum make for a GREAT combination