maybe this is what healing feels like

Sometimes I understand that right now I am better off without him. I wouldn't be where I am now if he was still in my life. In some ways, he was very hindering. It was a choice I made at the time.. I let it happen. It's weird looking back on it now.

I am starting to see that despite the many ways he was right for me, in some ways he was definitely wrong. I think I put in too much faith that things would be different eventually. Sometimes I even wonder if he is perhaps different for the new girl in his life...that maybe he is this amazingly communicative and romantic boyfriend. Maybe he even does things without being told or does things despite being told not to do them because it would have been too much of a hassle. He never understood the idea of doing something just because...but maybe that was just with me.

Maybe it's just the type of boys I am exposed to here at school....ones who are more or less self sufficient and independent... but I am seeing that some things I thought were too much to expect are actually not.

A relationship is always dynamic. You feed off what the other one gives off and reflect it back. Perhaps our dynamic wasn't working out. Perhaps me getting sick when I did didn't help the situation. Perhaps he contributed to my stress, which in turn made me put stress on him and our relationship. Perhaps both his long hours and my school fiasco made things worse. It was the perfect storm in many ways and sometimes it's hard to deny that this just may be fate... and as cheesy as it may sound, perhaps it is just all happening for a reason. All I know is that a lot of things just started to fix themselves once he wasn't in my life.

The harvest

I spent all day sacrificing mice, taking out their blood, organs and then plating them. Ten hours. Sixteen mice. A hundred and fourty-four plates. Sometimes when I think of what I'm doing, I wonder how I got here.. how I got into doing this. I remember as a child I never knew what I wanted to do and would make up a response everytime I was asked. The obligatory 'doctor' was a favourite response. In many ways I still don't know what I want to do.
Yesterday M asked me what I would be if I could be anything in the world regardless of talent or money. He would have been a soccer player. I still couldn't answer. I like what I do. I find it interesting. Sometimes I even think it's pretty cool. But is that enough?

heartbreaker

I am a heartbreaker. I laugh when I say this cause I'm really not... but when I think back, there have definitely been a few times where it wasn't just disappointment on the other end, but actual emotional pain... like I could have messed up someone just a little. And yes although 6th grade crushes really don't mean much now that I am approaching 25...and summer flings in highschool aren't that big of a deal... back then they were everything. I can't say I made the best choices in those situations. So maybe this one was just to even the field a bit. You can't go through life totally unscathed right? Maybe just once my heart had to be broken too.