sneaky sneaky
i dont know.. (well maybe i do a little)... but after that phone call, everything sort of changed. it was weird and nothing i had ever expected. kinda like all the things the horoscopes were promising me, were actually coming true.. in a weird and not-exactly-what-it-said sorta way. but i guess ill take it however it comes to me right?
theres four more days and i feel as though i cant absorb it all.. even if i wanted to. i find myself retreating more towards the people i am comfortable with, rather than trying to see the most people possible, like i thought i would be doing. i think its me realizing who is important...who is worth spending my time with right now. if its a maturation, i dont know...but man its gonna hurt i can feel it. things are alreayd starting to get in the way.
someone told me today that they were gonna cry when the time came just because they were going to miss this other person so much. i dont want to be there for that. not because its wrong or gross.. i just dont think i could take it.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Monday, August 25, 2003
ups and downs
is it wrong that sometimes i just want to smack certain people? its funny how in this time of longing to hold on and sad goodbyes, there is also a few people i want to hit upside the head. i feel guilty. i should be missing them. i should be wanting to spend more time with them. i feel like i should be doing a lot of things actually. but i dont. instead im yelling at them over icq.. over a subject that i really shouldnt be involved with. and i know i shouldnt be angry..but man his attitude towards some things just suck. i dont understand how everything in the world can be seen like that. when you laugh and have an awesome day, how you can still go home and have a shit view on life. can't people just learn to deal with the crap in their life? i know this may sound cruel.. but dammit its not like this is anything new.. you should be used to it by now. and it only gets sadder and sadder with each passing day that you let it affect you the way it does. it is like nothing can convince him that life isnt out to get him... but again, this is coming from a person that sees an interesting insect or a cute couple and is happy. i guess at least he's consistent right? lol
on another note..
had an awesome conversation with someone that at one point i thought i had honestly lost. it was made better by the fact that it came from no where..that it was three hours of stuff..that now it actually feels like i know this person that much better. it was great.. i love those talks that leave you glowing..satisfied..like you actually talked about something more than the usual daily crap. havent had one of those for a while, and i realized afterwards that it was what i needed. its times like these that make me wonder how i will survive without certain people in my life.
is it wrong that sometimes i just want to smack certain people? its funny how in this time of longing to hold on and sad goodbyes, there is also a few people i want to hit upside the head. i feel guilty. i should be missing them. i should be wanting to spend more time with them. i feel like i should be doing a lot of things actually. but i dont. instead im yelling at them over icq.. over a subject that i really shouldnt be involved with. and i know i shouldnt be angry..but man his attitude towards some things just suck. i dont understand how everything in the world can be seen like that. when you laugh and have an awesome day, how you can still go home and have a shit view on life. can't people just learn to deal with the crap in their life? i know this may sound cruel.. but dammit its not like this is anything new.. you should be used to it by now. and it only gets sadder and sadder with each passing day that you let it affect you the way it does. it is like nothing can convince him that life isnt out to get him... but again, this is coming from a person that sees an interesting insect or a cute couple and is happy. i guess at least he's consistent right? lol
on another note..
had an awesome conversation with someone that at one point i thought i had honestly lost. it was made better by the fact that it came from no where..that it was three hours of stuff..that now it actually feels like i know this person that much better. it was great.. i love those talks that leave you glowing..satisfied..like you actually talked about something more than the usual daily crap. havent had one of those for a while, and i realized afterwards that it was what i needed. its times like these that make me wonder how i will survive without certain people in my life.
Saturday, August 23, 2003
8 more days... ohman
one person gone already. it signifies the begining of the end i guess you can say. it is only downhill from here as we realize that there are less and less people around and more people that you will not see for at least a few months. it is definitly weird going from seeing everyone everyday to recognizing no one at all. its sad that at every outting before saying goodbye, you have to mentally check if this is the last time youre seeing them because it could be your final goodbye. and even though a few months pass by so quickly now, and it only means our reunion at christmas will be THAT much better, it also means because i am losing people, i have to WORK at finding new ones. i hate making new friends. it isnt fun until you begin to get comfortable with them, and i apparently dont have enough patience. but i guess its all another step to conquer; another way to discover myself. i need it too.
and even though i was afraid, it turned out to be well worth the wait. and despite fights, misunderstandings, and retarded msn conversations, it is ten times better to live through the shit than be mute with the shit until it explodes. and yes, it was appreciated, but i guess you could see that.
one person gone already. it signifies the begining of the end i guess you can say. it is only downhill from here as we realize that there are less and less people around and more people that you will not see for at least a few months. it is definitly weird going from seeing everyone everyday to recognizing no one at all. its sad that at every outting before saying goodbye, you have to mentally check if this is the last time youre seeing them because it could be your final goodbye. and even though a few months pass by so quickly now, and it only means our reunion at christmas will be THAT much better, it also means because i am losing people, i have to WORK at finding new ones. i hate making new friends. it isnt fun until you begin to get comfortable with them, and i apparently dont have enough patience. but i guess its all another step to conquer; another way to discover myself. i need it too.
and even though i was afraid, it turned out to be well worth the wait. and despite fights, misunderstandings, and retarded msn conversations, it is ten times better to live through the shit than be mute with the shit until it explodes. and yes, it was appreciated, but i guess you could see that.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
cankles
it's like he's back again.. the same person that made me laugh, made me swoon.. made me feel as though we'd always be friends. its not the same as before, but maybe its better because less expectations are being put on everything this time. i missed him. for a while he was ruined and gone.. and it felt as though he really didnt care. no one has been quite able to figure him out...why sometimes he is so fuckin awesome the be around and sometimes he is ass...and why no one knows a damn thing.
it's like he's back again.. the same person that made me laugh, made me swoon.. made me feel as though we'd always be friends. its not the same as before, but maybe its better because less expectations are being put on everything this time. i missed him. for a while he was ruined and gone.. and it felt as though he really didnt care. no one has been quite able to figure him out...why sometimes he is so fuckin awesome the be around and sometimes he is ass...and why no one knows a damn thing.
learning to let go
some people just simply don't get it, even when you say it straight to their faces. and although it frustrates me to no end, it is how they are and in a way i must just accept. i have done my part and have told them. i shouldnt expect everyone to change just cause i say so afterall. but i hate it when i am the one that seems like a bitch cause im the only one that says anything when the whole world is thinking it. can't we all just get along.. i can't believe this might resort to something already visited.. ugh
some people just simply don't get it, even when you say it straight to their faces. and although it frustrates me to no end, it is how they are and in a way i must just accept. i have done my part and have told them. i shouldnt expect everyone to change just cause i say so afterall. but i hate it when i am the one that seems like a bitch cause im the only one that says anything when the whole world is thinking it. can't we all just get along.. i can't believe this might resort to something already visited.. ugh
Sunday, August 17, 2003
if you were a booger, i'd pick you
i'm so exhausted right now... but dammit i have the greatest friends in the entire world! i've never had a real birthday party my whole life. no party hats, loots bags or a house full of kids my age running around. i guess it was worth the wait. teehee i hope the same goes with you know what. lol (for those of you that know me well, you know exactly what i mean, and yes i am a loser). and maybe i didnt cry, as predicted earlier i would in a situation like this but i wanted to. palm tree, flamingos, fishes and birds in the trees, balloons and streamers, angie, pants and sting ray...it was great. my 'boys' showed up and almost everyone i needed to be there was threre and oh man i just have no words. thank you.. soo much.
i'm so exhausted right now... but dammit i have the greatest friends in the entire world! i've never had a real birthday party my whole life. no party hats, loots bags or a house full of kids my age running around. i guess it was worth the wait. teehee i hope the same goes with you know what. lol (for those of you that know me well, you know exactly what i mean, and yes i am a loser). and maybe i didnt cry, as predicted earlier i would in a situation like this but i wanted to. palm tree, flamingos, fishes and birds in the trees, balloons and streamers, angie, pants and sting ray...it was great. my 'boys' showed up and almost everyone i needed to be there was threre and oh man i just have no words. thank you.. soo much.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
wringing out the last juicy bits of summer...yes even the chunky ones
i'm busy and i love it! i have plans and i'm excited and i'm ready to finish this summer with a bang. yes it started slow..well actually it was never really slow for me but it was slow in comparison to these last few weeks...but wow what a finale. i'm worried i cant fit everything in and yes although im the type of person that thrives on being busy and stretching myself, i really didnt think that this was how summer was going to end. a little more lounging and doing nothing surrounded by friends yes..a little less frantic (i thought i would be prepared by now) we are all idiots who were too lazy to do anything during the begining and middle when it seemed as though we had all the time in the world. but here the end is, facing us dead on. next week people are leaving and soon i will be too. and i know i may not have that much time to pack between work, family from montreal, our girlie trailer days up north, montreal with petrina to move jeanette up, and all the other goodness with friends, but i figure packing is not the most important thing in the world right now; especially with the fact that clothes, still on the hanger dump into a cardboard box so well and technically my computer stuff is already in boxes, and i only really live 2 and 1/2 hours away and will be back in october anyways. anything i need to buy i can pick up there..there are walmarts everywhere. so yes i may regret this later when i am nothing but a big ball of frantic but dammit i'm gonna suck summer dry even if it hurts.. hahaha eww
i'm busy and i love it! i have plans and i'm excited and i'm ready to finish this summer with a bang. yes it started slow..well actually it was never really slow for me but it was slow in comparison to these last few weeks...but wow what a finale. i'm worried i cant fit everything in and yes although im the type of person that thrives on being busy and stretching myself, i really didnt think that this was how summer was going to end. a little more lounging and doing nothing surrounded by friends yes..a little less frantic (i thought i would be prepared by now) we are all idiots who were too lazy to do anything during the begining and middle when it seemed as though we had all the time in the world. but here the end is, facing us dead on. next week people are leaving and soon i will be too. and i know i may not have that much time to pack between work, family from montreal, our girlie trailer days up north, montreal with petrina to move jeanette up, and all the other goodness with friends, but i figure packing is not the most important thing in the world right now; especially with the fact that clothes, still on the hanger dump into a cardboard box so well and technically my computer stuff is already in boxes, and i only really live 2 and 1/2 hours away and will be back in october anyways. anything i need to buy i can pick up there..there are walmarts everywhere. so yes i may regret this later when i am nothing but a big ball of frantic but dammit i'm gonna suck summer dry even if it hurts.. hahaha eww
Saturday, August 09, 2003
the big question of the day
where did underwear come from? everyone uses it: from canada to china to those that live in the arctic. who made the first pair of underwear and why? and how did the whole world catch on to this new invention? i noticed that underpants in chinese is directly translated to "underpants". so did they get it off another culture, and when they asked what they were, it was just translated. i wonder what the word for underwear is in other languages. hmm.
where did underwear come from? everyone uses it: from canada to china to those that live in the arctic. who made the first pair of underwear and why? and how did the whole world catch on to this new invention? i noticed that underpants in chinese is directly translated to "underpants". so did they get it off another culture, and when they asked what they were, it was just translated. i wonder what the word for underwear is in other languages. hmm.
mint shooters
never underestimate the power of a good friendship. i have realized that yes we all get angry and pissed off at eachother for the stupid qualities we all have that we should change, but in the end they are always there. i'm not saying that it isnt frustrating when people are so goddamn cheap, or when they choose to be a hermit in their home instead of seeing people, or when something is wrong (and you know it for a fact) and they wont say a fucking word (way to help the situation by ignoring it!)...but it's not like that alone will destroy everything. i bear, i ignore.. and you learn to just not care so much about it. but no matter how used to it all i THINK i get, the pangs of resentment and feelings of being taken for granted (or that maybe you just seem to care more than they ever will) always resurface.
it's times like these that you gotta remember that they are worth all $120 or that maybe the laughs and good talks more than make up for all the added stress (from going what the hell?) as you try to understand their reasoning for doing asshole things. you gotta remember there might be actual valid reasons for not going to the beach for someone's birthday for instance. but dammit i just dont understand sometimes. this must be one of those things that you dont know why you do, but do it anyways... like how some battered wives go back to their husbands after one teary, apologetic conversation on the phone, only to get beaten again. that being said, i'm sure im not the most easy person to deal with either.
never underestimate the power of a good friendship. i have realized that yes we all get angry and pissed off at eachother for the stupid qualities we all have that we should change, but in the end they are always there. i'm not saying that it isnt frustrating when people are so goddamn cheap, or when they choose to be a hermit in their home instead of seeing people, or when something is wrong (and you know it for a fact) and they wont say a fucking word (way to help the situation by ignoring it!)...but it's not like that alone will destroy everything. i bear, i ignore.. and you learn to just not care so much about it. but no matter how used to it all i THINK i get, the pangs of resentment and feelings of being taken for granted (or that maybe you just seem to care more than they ever will) always resurface.
it's times like these that you gotta remember that they are worth all $120 or that maybe the laughs and good talks more than make up for all the added stress (from going what the hell?) as you try to understand their reasoning for doing asshole things. you gotta remember there might be actual valid reasons for not going to the beach for someone's birthday for instance. but dammit i just dont understand sometimes. this must be one of those things that you dont know why you do, but do it anyways... like how some battered wives go back to their husbands after one teary, apologetic conversation on the phone, only to get beaten again. that being said, i'm sure im not the most easy person to deal with either.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
10...9...8...
i am already starting to feel uneasy. a certain churn of the stomach visits me every once in a while. i've realized how little time i have left and am definitly getting nervous. it feels like the last three weeks are being eaten up so quickly already and they havent even begun. family is coming down, im working like everyday...people are leaving earlier than expected. i hate this. i would rather be in the mess than just waiting for it. im gonna start to freak out.. i can tell. just wait for the explosion.
i am already starting to feel uneasy. a certain churn of the stomach visits me every once in a while. i've realized how little time i have left and am definitly getting nervous. it feels like the last three weeks are being eaten up so quickly already and they havent even begun. family is coming down, im working like everyday...people are leaving earlier than expected. i hate this. i would rather be in the mess than just waiting for it. im gonna start to freak out.. i can tell. just wait for the explosion.
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
a box of paper
last night was the first time we all embraced the fact that we were all splitting up. who knew a bunch of magazine ads categorized according to universities would be so much fun. it was definitly one of those times that the truth hits you in the face but at least this time, the usual sting that accompanies it wasnt there. we've begun to accept it and judging by nights like last night you know that obstacles like these arent substantial enough to break us down. it may leave us a bit worse for wear as it has before, but we always find out way home.
last night was the first time we all embraced the fact that we were all splitting up. who knew a bunch of magazine ads categorized according to universities would be so much fun. it was definitly one of those times that the truth hits you in the face but at least this time, the usual sting that accompanies it wasnt there. we've begun to accept it and judging by nights like last night you know that obstacles like these arent substantial enough to break us down. it may leave us a bit worse for wear as it has before, but we always find out way home.
