good news
no time or energy for that matter for a read post. must conserve all brain power for math units and whatnot.
-got my dress and it fits. might have to get it hemmed and fixed at the waist but no biggie.. its purdy.
-not as screwed as i thought i was in school, but still gotta work at it. you think i can take 5 tests next week? cause thats what im doing. 3 physics tests in two days sounds really fun doesnt it?
-im not sure whats happening. maybe its the stress, my sinuses, but i get a headache and get dizzy every day almost
-i think im not gonna be able to go to work cause theyre sars psychos and my mom works at st. mikes
-i want to quit because i hate calling 80 patients a day and asking them a fuckin sars questionaire
-i think sometimes it is still too cold for may, but i rather it be cold than hot
-sac craziness is killing me right now
-i need more sleep
-i want it over ..all over
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
im sorry for being crappy
i made the decision and im really happy about it, but the fact is sometimes the alternative creeps back in my head. i feel like giving in, if only for a little while just to see if i would still have ideas about the first one...so that way i know its just me being a loser and making things more complicated... if i fully accept it, it would answer my question though.
i made the decision and im really happy about it, but the fact is sometimes the alternative creeps back in my head. i feel like giving in, if only for a little while just to see if i would still have ideas about the first one...so that way i know its just me being a loser and making things more complicated... if i fully accept it, it would answer my question though.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
i swear this has happened before
it is interesting being a spectator to something you simply don't understand. There is a 'war', and like all wars it is senseless, and no one quite knows exactly when or how it started. And in confession, following this war has become a recent guilty pleasure of mine, unbeknownst to the two battling sides. Although i am finding entertainment in it, i am not quite sure who is right, but i do know who has more to lose. Yes they may be a pain in the ass at times and perhaps disrespectful, but at the same time, i believe although sometimes deserved, the comments or even entries simply go too far. Yes the internet is a forum for free speech, but it wasn't meant to spread hate either. I think that perhaps it was a lapse in judgement to practice that particular brand of free speech because it stemmed from a place of extreme frustration and does not reflect the person i know. He obviously didn't realize that this whole fiasco could affect him more than anyone else in the end no matter how justified whatever it was may have been. Maybe the people being targeted should try and see why the situation is this way. People always have reasons for lashing out. Although i am not surprised by what has happened, and may have shared the same sentiments at one point or another concerning certain people, i don't think it is necessary to vent in the descriptive and overt manner it has been done. I am not taking sides because i really don't know enough to, but lets just say both sides have been rather immature about this, and it all should have ended long before i got caught up in the drama of it all. Yes there are problems, i have seen some of them, not really concerning this matter develop in front of my eyes in fact.
side note: reading some things have made me wonder if perhaps the same thoughts go through his head as he reads this, or anyone else's for that matter. not that i really care that i'll be branded a silly, immature teenager (cause it's obvious at times i still am), but it would be interesting to know.
it is interesting being a spectator to something you simply don't understand. There is a 'war', and like all wars it is senseless, and no one quite knows exactly when or how it started. And in confession, following this war has become a recent guilty pleasure of mine, unbeknownst to the two battling sides. Although i am finding entertainment in it, i am not quite sure who is right, but i do know who has more to lose. Yes they may be a pain in the ass at times and perhaps disrespectful, but at the same time, i believe although sometimes deserved, the comments or even entries simply go too far. Yes the internet is a forum for free speech, but it wasn't meant to spread hate either. I think that perhaps it was a lapse in judgement to practice that particular brand of free speech because it stemmed from a place of extreme frustration and does not reflect the person i know. He obviously didn't realize that this whole fiasco could affect him more than anyone else in the end no matter how justified whatever it was may have been. Maybe the people being targeted should try and see why the situation is this way. People always have reasons for lashing out. Although i am not surprised by what has happened, and may have shared the same sentiments at one point or another concerning certain people, i don't think it is necessary to vent in the descriptive and overt manner it has been done. I am not taking sides because i really don't know enough to, but lets just say both sides have been rather immature about this, and it all should have ended long before i got caught up in the drama of it all. Yes there are problems, i have seen some of them, not really concerning this matter develop in front of my eyes in fact.
side note: reading some things have made me wonder if perhaps the same thoughts go through his head as he reads this, or anyone else's for that matter. not that i really care that i'll be branded a silly, immature teenager (cause it's obvious at times i still am), but it would be interesting to know.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
she felt she was lost, as she clawed against the walls hoping to find some form of escape. But it was all in vain as the walls were solid and not an opening of any sorts was in sight. She didn't know what else to do. As tears brimmed out of her eyes, she collapsed on the cold, damp floor to wallow in her misfortune. Sometimes it is better to give up for a while.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
you gotta have confidence babe
i think i'm in a weird place right now....sort of in a limbo somewhere. it feels like i'm at a crossroads in every aspect of my life, always waiting for a sign of what it to happen, trying to peer down each road to see if there is any indication of what to do. Everything is about as chaotic as my room right not. i am convinced that if i clean it up, not only will i find half the stuff i am missing, but somehow my life will also follow suit and organize itself. it's like i am mentally in a bloody construction site. boards are everywhere, people are shouting out incomprehensible orders, nails ready to plunge into my foot present themselves after every turn.
i think i'm in a weird place right now....sort of in a limbo somewhere. it feels like i'm at a crossroads in every aspect of my life, always waiting for a sign of what it to happen, trying to peer down each road to see if there is any indication of what to do. Everything is about as chaotic as my room right not. i am convinced that if i clean it up, not only will i find half the stuff i am missing, but somehow my life will also follow suit and organize itself. it's like i am mentally in a bloody construction site. boards are everywhere, people are shouting out incomprehensible orders, nails ready to plunge into my foot present themselves after every turn.
Sunday, May 18, 2003
unaware
i'm not quote sure what i'm feeling right now and the closest thing i can use is antisocial, but that isnt it either. i wanna see people, i wanna do things..i just dont wanna do them with a million people. i think i'm just not into the craziness right now i guess. i feel like i need hugs, comfort, love. i wanna use the word cherish.. hahah i like that word.. it soo described how im feeling right now... i wanna be cherished.
had an awesome time with an old friend yesterday. i miss him, even though during the time he was here, we werent that close. but he was one of those people that i saw myself getting to know better, or even just enough. it's like we've been living in totally different worlds and somehow found eachother once again. i love it when i see that the world isnt so big afterall.
and sometimes i feel like im tip-toeing around people. why make something outta something that really isnt anything at all?
i'm not quote sure what i'm feeling right now and the closest thing i can use is antisocial, but that isnt it either. i wanna see people, i wanna do things..i just dont wanna do them with a million people. i think i'm just not into the craziness right now i guess. i feel like i need hugs, comfort, love. i wanna use the word cherish.. hahah i like that word.. it soo described how im feeling right now... i wanna be cherished.
had an awesome time with an old friend yesterday. i miss him, even though during the time he was here, we werent that close. but he was one of those people that i saw myself getting to know better, or even just enough. it's like we've been living in totally different worlds and somehow found eachother once again. i love it when i see that the world isnt so big afterall.
and sometimes i feel like im tip-toeing around people. why make something outta something that really isnt anything at all?
Friday, May 16, 2003
Thursday, May 15, 2003
waiting for a sign
there is something about capturing the moment that facinates me, whether it is in a picture, in a piece of writing, or even if only in my head. like those moments you want to re-live over and over again because you laughed so hard that your stomach hurt or that it was at that instant when you realized that a new bond was established as you and a once not-so-close friend talked. it can also be the day-to-day things that we take for granted. like sitting int he caf with nothing to say or simply taking the bus home and walking the familliar route past the same houses i have seem for the past 12 years. i realize i notice the strangest things sometimes. for instance when watching a soccer game at school, i may not be able to tell you the final score, or who scored them, and sometimes not even the teams playing, but i can give you a full description of the ref's outfit, even including what i thought the words on his shirt were even though his jacket was 3/4 zippedp. funny how some things like seeing a little dog's bum wiggle as it chases after its ovwner or just sitting there under a furball of a blanket with a friend can make my day just that much better, when to other people it is nothing. i'm glad i take joy in all of the little things because i can learn to appreciate everything so much better. people who are bitter and sad all the time; who take things and people for granted; who don't see past themselves; who..ugh i dont even know anymore but you know... are really starting to get to me, and quite frankly i am glad i am not them. yes i may have my moody, bitter, bitchy days, but hey they go as quickly as they come. i dont believe that moping or anything of the sorts helps with anything. it drives people away. and its not like i havent said this before, but i think you're going to lose me.
and i know now may not be the best time to just run away but that's really what i feel like doing. it's been imprinted in me to do that..and i have. i may have run away from a lot of good things without me even knowing it. and yes, i am trying to change that cause i dont expect anyone to chase after me and i know that i can't run away from everything cause it simply doesnt solve anything, but i;ve tried to stay and staying just hurts.
there is something about capturing the moment that facinates me, whether it is in a picture, in a piece of writing, or even if only in my head. like those moments you want to re-live over and over again because you laughed so hard that your stomach hurt or that it was at that instant when you realized that a new bond was established as you and a once not-so-close friend talked. it can also be the day-to-day things that we take for granted. like sitting int he caf with nothing to say or simply taking the bus home and walking the familliar route past the same houses i have seem for the past 12 years. i realize i notice the strangest things sometimes. for instance when watching a soccer game at school, i may not be able to tell you the final score, or who scored them, and sometimes not even the teams playing, but i can give you a full description of the ref's outfit, even including what i thought the words on his shirt were even though his jacket was 3/4 zippedp. funny how some things like seeing a little dog's bum wiggle as it chases after its ovwner or just sitting there under a furball of a blanket with a friend can make my day just that much better, when to other people it is nothing. i'm glad i take joy in all of the little things because i can learn to appreciate everything so much better. people who are bitter and sad all the time; who take things and people for granted; who don't see past themselves; who..ugh i dont even know anymore but you know... are really starting to get to me, and quite frankly i am glad i am not them. yes i may have my moody, bitter, bitchy days, but hey they go as quickly as they come. i dont believe that moping or anything of the sorts helps with anything. it drives people away. and its not like i havent said this before, but i think you're going to lose me.
and i know now may not be the best time to just run away but that's really what i feel like doing. it's been imprinted in me to do that..and i have. i may have run away from a lot of good things without me even knowing it. and yes, i am trying to change that cause i dont expect anyone to chase after me and i know that i can't run away from everything cause it simply doesnt solve anything, but i;ve tried to stay and staying just hurts.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
on another subject:
i love people like mike myers who even though they are big-shot superstars, still go on television shows with maple leafs-emblemed Roots wear and stick up for their city. people like that who dont get so big-headed that they forget about their beginings, the little people, their roots, for lack of a better word. he's still our little canadian.. scarborough boy. forget shane west and brad pitt, he's my new crush. *swoon!*
i love people like mike myers who even though they are big-shot superstars, still go on television shows with maple leafs-emblemed Roots wear and stick up for their city. people like that who dont get so big-headed that they forget about their beginings, the little people, their roots, for lack of a better word. he's still our little canadian.. scarborough boy. forget shane west and brad pitt, he's my new crush. *swoon!*
the space between
how is it that suddenly things have gotten so hard? they were so good a while back. i'm not even sure what has happened, what has changed, what i have done wrong. all i know is that things were great.. and then something happened along the way. it's like i hit a deer and didnt even know it. and worst of all its not even just one thing anymore its a lot of things. at least if it were one, it would be managable. but right now things seem to be falling apart...not totally but falling apart nonetheless. i have always needed that little bubble around me. i needed to feel secure and well, overall ok. i've lost that sense of 'ok' with people...with things and i dont know how to get it back anymore. it seems like everything i do makes things a little more worse. i want to just find my corner, and not deal with it all, hoping that by the time i am done, everything would have just magically fixed itself. it's true, im bad at picking up the pieces.. i'm bad at dealing with things like this. i wish i were better and i guess im learning but its damn frustrating.
how is it that suddenly things have gotten so hard? they were so good a while back. i'm not even sure what has happened, what has changed, what i have done wrong. all i know is that things were great.. and then something happened along the way. it's like i hit a deer and didnt even know it. and worst of all its not even just one thing anymore its a lot of things. at least if it were one, it would be managable. but right now things seem to be falling apart...not totally but falling apart nonetheless. i have always needed that little bubble around me. i needed to feel secure and well, overall ok. i've lost that sense of 'ok' with people...with things and i dont know how to get it back anymore. it seems like everything i do makes things a little more worse. i want to just find my corner, and not deal with it all, hoping that by the time i am done, everything would have just magically fixed itself. it's true, im bad at picking up the pieces.. i'm bad at dealing with things like this. i wish i were better and i guess im learning but its damn frustrating.
Sunday, May 11, 2003
the button with the moon on it puts the computer to sleep
i dont think i remember ever feeling this way, and even if i have, it has been too long for me to remember. i'm not sure even now if i'm scared, awed, creeped out, or even if i regret or liked that it happened. it's like i didn't know how to handle myself in that sort of a situation and i don't like it when that happens. i'm still trying to wrap my head around it. i'm not sure exactly what went on, what it was all supposed to mean, what i'm going to do about it. and really it's no big deal, but i still have to be faced with it every week.
is it weird that i'm really creeped out by super religious people? okay maybe not religious people so much, but rather people who try to recruit me into their cult, posing it as a religion. lol i had to bite my tongue cause what i really wanted to do was scream "CULT CULT CULT!" but i couldn't. please don't invite me to your 'church' even if you sincerely want me to see your band play. please dont try and get me to like church and debate the bible when i have clearly stated that i dont go, although i do believe in God. i argued and bitched for the sake of arguing and not because i really cared. so what if you think that other people misinterpret the bible, there are a million other people that think the same about you. the more you say that you want me to come and experience it all, the more i want to run and hide and report you to the police. yes i do realize there will be many a jehovah's witness and other whatevers.. but this one was different cause it wasn't just a stranger knocking at my door..
i dont think i remember ever feeling this way, and even if i have, it has been too long for me to remember. i'm not sure even now if i'm scared, awed, creeped out, or even if i regret or liked that it happened. it's like i didn't know how to handle myself in that sort of a situation and i don't like it when that happens. i'm still trying to wrap my head around it. i'm not sure exactly what went on, what it was all supposed to mean, what i'm going to do about it. and really it's no big deal, but i still have to be faced with it every week.
is it weird that i'm really creeped out by super religious people? okay maybe not religious people so much, but rather people who try to recruit me into their cult, posing it as a religion. lol i had to bite my tongue cause what i really wanted to do was scream "CULT CULT CULT!" but i couldn't. please don't invite me to your 'church' even if you sincerely want me to see your band play. please dont try and get me to like church and debate the bible when i have clearly stated that i dont go, although i do believe in God. i argued and bitched for the sake of arguing and not because i really cared. so what if you think that other people misinterpret the bible, there are a million other people that think the same about you. the more you say that you want me to come and experience it all, the more i want to run and hide and report you to the police. yes i do realize there will be many a jehovah's witness and other whatevers.. but this one was different cause it wasn't just a stranger knocking at my door..
mychorrize?
this was in one of those email surveys. it wont make sense to you cause you dont know who wrote it, but i died laughing.
"Question: What's under your bed?" "Answer: my sister....we have bunks ok"
my eyes are itchy and sore. i just finished spending an hour and a half doing 120 multiple choice questions to help me prepare for this exam. theres still another hour and a half of essays, which i am saving for tomrrow. im good at multiple choice. or at least these practice exams are making me think i am good at them. for all i know they are giving me a false sense of hope because i'm thinking this way i don't have to worry too much about scoring well on the essays. maybe this is bad? i dont know..
i spent too many an hour on the phone. this is why courses and art projects and studying do not get done. i felt like i was in grade 9 or ten again, where i would just sit and talk for hours. it's hard to have those one-on-one conversations anymore cause it seems like there is so little time just spent with one.
i had the urge to go rollerblading. i dont know of many girls with rollerblades, and the one who do were either suposed to be working today or are busy at some fancy schmancy softball tournament. anyone a size 9 men's shoe? i got rollerblades you can borrow.... kidnap me PLEASE
this was in one of those email surveys. it wont make sense to you cause you dont know who wrote it, but i died laughing.
"Question: What's under your bed?" "Answer: my sister....we have bunks ok"
my eyes are itchy and sore. i just finished spending an hour and a half doing 120 multiple choice questions to help me prepare for this exam. theres still another hour and a half of essays, which i am saving for tomrrow. im good at multiple choice. or at least these practice exams are making me think i am good at them. for all i know they are giving me a false sense of hope because i'm thinking this way i don't have to worry too much about scoring well on the essays. maybe this is bad? i dont know..
i spent too many an hour on the phone. this is why courses and art projects and studying do not get done. i felt like i was in grade 9 or ten again, where i would just sit and talk for hours. it's hard to have those one-on-one conversations anymore cause it seems like there is so little time just spent with one.
i had the urge to go rollerblading. i dont know of many girls with rollerblades, and the one who do were either suposed to be working today or are busy at some fancy schmancy softball tournament. anyone a size 9 men's shoe? i got rollerblades you can borrow.... kidnap me PLEASE
Saturday, May 10, 2003
i went crazy on the whipped cream
i know im supposed to be studying, and that's exactly what i will do... soon.
i want to go out and play..rollerblade maybe? its something i havent dont in years. so maybe i'll do lots and lots of work and then reward myself by kidnapping someone and going rollerblading? lol a little physical activity never hurt anyone right? hahah oh the extremes i go to in order to rationalize things in my head.
the night that was supposed to have consisted of me staying at home being tired and home-y was totally thrown out the window...but im not complaining. it's like i totally saw a whole other side of people.... sorta like i was let into the club and saw everything from an insider's point of view.. its true, why did we only find these people now? has so much changed from even a few months ago? i love it.
today i found someone with the same birthday as me. well except 3 years older.
i know im supposed to be studying, and that's exactly what i will do... soon.
i want to go out and play..rollerblade maybe? its something i havent dont in years. so maybe i'll do lots and lots of work and then reward myself by kidnapping someone and going rollerblading? lol a little physical activity never hurt anyone right? hahah oh the extremes i go to in order to rationalize things in my head.
the night that was supposed to have consisted of me staying at home being tired and home-y was totally thrown out the window...but im not complaining. it's like i totally saw a whole other side of people.... sorta like i was let into the club and saw everything from an insider's point of view.. its true, why did we only find these people now? has so much changed from even a few months ago? i love it.
today i found someone with the same birthday as me. well except 3 years older.
Friday, May 09, 2003
a little bit of sunshine
i think i have started my weekend early. i really didn't feel like doing work. my day had started out with so much potential and the promise of getting work done. however because of a stupid seminar being moved not once, but TWICE, i ended up doing nothing. it just seemed like too nice of a day and well i grew restless, and finding out that this test was easy didnt help..lol so off to kidnap jeaneete and chua, which may not have been the best plan for any of us, cause we did end up staying out all night. but you know what? i kinda needed it..just cause i knew i was gonna have to hibernate this weekend so i can cram for this exam... sigh.
sunny day, cool breeze, great friends, fun conversations, interesting adventures, what more could a girl ask for?
i think i have started my weekend early. i really didn't feel like doing work. my day had started out with so much potential and the promise of getting work done. however because of a stupid seminar being moved not once, but TWICE, i ended up doing nothing. it just seemed like too nice of a day and well i grew restless, and finding out that this test was easy didnt help..lol so off to kidnap jeaneete and chua, which may not have been the best plan for any of us, cause we did end up staying out all night. but you know what? i kinda needed it..just cause i knew i was gonna have to hibernate this weekend so i can cram for this exam... sigh.
sunny day, cool breeze, great friends, fun conversations, interesting adventures, what more could a girl ask for?
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
this pipe is connected to the other pipe?
why does the mere mention of the word 'university' among adults, bring up endless speeches about how university is not just a big party and that there is real work involved? it's just a flow of lectures directed at me and the fact that they obviously dont think im responsible enough or mature enough to deal with all of it. gee university is hard and actually entails doing work? wow why didnt anyone tell me that before? i mean yes i'm going to go out, yes there will be some partying but you should be happy that at least im willing to admit it and isn't that half the experience anyways? it;s not like im not ready for the hard work, its not like im not ready for the active social life that comes with everything. its not that im not totally aware of this all. its obvious that even though ive been out every day this year and even though they worry so much, im still fine. if i haven't proven myself this year i dont know what i can possibly do because sometimes i swear it feels like im raising myself here.... there have been no congratulations, no acknowledgement whatsoever of any of my work. what about that frickin fact that i want to and can go to university? you would think people would be proud. and its not that i necessarily need all that, but when you just criticize ALL the time.....it's like to them, it would make it better if i didnt go at all because that way im avoiding all of the dangers and the failures they seem to see in store for me. i'm wondering if i just decide to become a plumber if it would shut them up or not. and you know im stubborn enough to do it too.
why does the mere mention of the word 'university' among adults, bring up endless speeches about how university is not just a big party and that there is real work involved? it's just a flow of lectures directed at me and the fact that they obviously dont think im responsible enough or mature enough to deal with all of it. gee university is hard and actually entails doing work? wow why didnt anyone tell me that before? i mean yes i'm going to go out, yes there will be some partying but you should be happy that at least im willing to admit it and isn't that half the experience anyways? it;s not like im not ready for the hard work, its not like im not ready for the active social life that comes with everything. its not that im not totally aware of this all. its obvious that even though ive been out every day this year and even though they worry so much, im still fine. if i haven't proven myself this year i dont know what i can possibly do because sometimes i swear it feels like im raising myself here.... there have been no congratulations, no acknowledgement whatsoever of any of my work. what about that frickin fact that i want to and can go to university? you would think people would be proud. and its not that i necessarily need all that, but when you just criticize ALL the time.....it's like to them, it would make it better if i didnt go at all because that way im avoiding all of the dangers and the failures they seem to see in store for me. i'm wondering if i just decide to become a plumber if it would shut them up or not. and you know im stubborn enough to do it too.
Sunday, May 04, 2003
i'm not quite sure what i did
my skin is sensitive. more sensitive than i've ever realized. but the hairs are tough. more tough than i ever realized. and after a good hour of waxing my arms, there are red dots. everywhere. and even though im not exactly sure what the red dots are (burst capillaries or something?) i'm not really surprised theyre there. i shave i get razor burn, after i scratch myself there are lines from where my fingers made contact, i wax my arms, my skin gets mad. however on the other hand, my hair grows incredibly fast. it is relentless and grows in the next day even when i dont want it to, it's hard to pull out and is determined to stay. damn these two extremes for coexisting on the same limb..lol
funny but its kinda reminds me of myself in a few ways...
my skin is sensitive. more sensitive than i've ever realized. but the hairs are tough. more tough than i ever realized. and after a good hour of waxing my arms, there are red dots. everywhere. and even though im not exactly sure what the red dots are (burst capillaries or something?) i'm not really surprised theyre there. i shave i get razor burn, after i scratch myself there are lines from where my fingers made contact, i wax my arms, my skin gets mad. however on the other hand, my hair grows incredibly fast. it is relentless and grows in the next day even when i dont want it to, it's hard to pull out and is determined to stay. damn these two extremes for coexisting on the same limb..lol
funny but its kinda reminds me of myself in a few ways...
judging the fall
it's beautiful outside and i dont get to enjoy it. i went out to get an iced cap..just because i needed to see the outside of my house. i love drive thrus-it doesn't matter that im in a grey house shirt and pink pj pants with hearts on them with a cord jacket thrown over the whole mess. only one person sees you and thinks that you are gross or weird or ugly or all of the above. actually the big plan was to get the iced cap and free muffin and end up in a park or something..somewhere. however out of laziness, the plan was scrapped because i was simply not int he mood to change and look presentable and not scare the children who would be playing in the park and have them point at me and then run to their mothers in fear... or have joan and melissa rivers pop out from a bush and declare me the ugliest person on earth.. oh the things that go through my head...lol i should be downtown checking out the u of t campus instead of here trying to fit a whole year's worth of bio into my head. hmm maybe next week.. but then again maybe not. its only going to get worse from here.
it's beautiful outside and i dont get to enjoy it. i went out to get an iced cap..just because i needed to see the outside of my house. i love drive thrus-it doesn't matter that im in a grey house shirt and pink pj pants with hearts on them with a cord jacket thrown over the whole mess. only one person sees you and thinks that you are gross or weird or ugly or all of the above. actually the big plan was to get the iced cap and free muffin and end up in a park or something..somewhere. however out of laziness, the plan was scrapped because i was simply not int he mood to change and look presentable and not scare the children who would be playing in the park and have them point at me and then run to their mothers in fear... or have joan and melissa rivers pop out from a bush and declare me the ugliest person on earth.. oh the things that go through my head...lol i should be downtown checking out the u of t campus instead of here trying to fit a whole year's worth of bio into my head. hmm maybe next week.. but then again maybe not. its only going to get worse from here.
Friday, May 02, 2003
waiting for the other shoe
so because i left all my books in the car, which is now downtown, i decided to give myself a little break today, whether its well deserved or not. i went through my residence books again, although i only have ones from western and mcgill that im really looking at, where the u of t one is, im not sure. honestly western is really doing great things for me right now. mcgill is really expensive for what you get especially considering that the second cheapest room at mcgill with meal plan for 5 days is still more than gettting a suite style at western with a meal plan. and despite the huge student population taking the jobs that are available in the smaller city i can probably get one ten times more easily at western than i can at mcgill. cause you know that once a person who can speak french comes, my job is gone. and it will take a couple years for me to know enough to put a sentence together that the frenchies wont laugh at. i really need to see the campus i guess. that and the fact that i'm still so in love with mcgill and montreal.. and dammit, i was frickin glowing (really glowing, it was weird but people could actually see it, even when i didnt realize it yet) after that montreal trip cause i felt so much that mcgill was where i was going to go. but the atmosphere im getting from western (again, this is all in my head because i havent actually seen the place) is more of like the university atmosphere i want, that i;ve pictured as an ideal...but then again those things change.. my prom dress fiasco is a perfect example. oh man.. im not good at decisions.
so because i left all my books in the car, which is now downtown, i decided to give myself a little break today, whether its well deserved or not. i went through my residence books again, although i only have ones from western and mcgill that im really looking at, where the u of t one is, im not sure. honestly western is really doing great things for me right now. mcgill is really expensive for what you get especially considering that the second cheapest room at mcgill with meal plan for 5 days is still more than gettting a suite style at western with a meal plan. and despite the huge student population taking the jobs that are available in the smaller city i can probably get one ten times more easily at western than i can at mcgill. cause you know that once a person who can speak french comes, my job is gone. and it will take a couple years for me to know enough to put a sentence together that the frenchies wont laugh at. i really need to see the campus i guess. that and the fact that i'm still so in love with mcgill and montreal.. and dammit, i was frickin glowing (really glowing, it was weird but people could actually see it, even when i didnt realize it yet) after that montreal trip cause i felt so much that mcgill was where i was going to go. but the atmosphere im getting from western (again, this is all in my head because i havent actually seen the place) is more of like the university atmosphere i want, that i;ve pictured as an ideal...but then again those things change.. my prom dress fiasco is a perfect example. oh man.. im not good at decisions.
a view from over there
you would think that after all these years i would understand some things better.. but really i think i just got more confused. when are things really reality and when is a situation just in your head? i get really paranoid sometimes, especially when things are really important to me. i've discovered that it is a very fine line between how a situation or an event actually presents itself and what it manifests into in my head. and really this line is broken and jagged and cracked and lets everything wander from one side to the other. everyone sees the same thing in a different light. i wonder sometimes if things are really this way... case in my head things are bad sometimes, but people may think that i am over-analyzing. sometimes i think theyre right, but at the same time, i'm the one in the situation, im the one whos seeing everything, im the one whos involved. they dont know everythign that has gone on. they have no idea sometimes. they havent been through the ups and then realized that now we've hit a sudden down. and i think that maybe i jinxed it again, like i do with all of them. im starting to believe that something is seriously wrong or that maybe i should just learn to not get any expectations at all.. we'll see i guess im still fine tuning it all..
you would think that after all these years i would understand some things better.. but really i think i just got more confused. when are things really reality and when is a situation just in your head? i get really paranoid sometimes, especially when things are really important to me. i've discovered that it is a very fine line between how a situation or an event actually presents itself and what it manifests into in my head. and really this line is broken and jagged and cracked and lets everything wander from one side to the other. everyone sees the same thing in a different light. i wonder sometimes if things are really this way... case in my head things are bad sometimes, but people may think that i am over-analyzing. sometimes i think theyre right, but at the same time, i'm the one in the situation, im the one whos seeing everything, im the one whos involved. they dont know everythign that has gone on. they have no idea sometimes. they havent been through the ups and then realized that now we've hit a sudden down. and i think that maybe i jinxed it again, like i do with all of them. im starting to believe that something is seriously wrong or that maybe i should just learn to not get any expectations at all.. we'll see i guess im still fine tuning it all..
