Adopted family

I miss his family far more than I miss him being around. I love them so much and wish I could keep them. It hurts knowing that they are no longer a part of my life.
I miss them. I miss them. I miss them.

statesman

Today I broke a man's heart.
I will repay one day in karma.
I should have said something sooner. I was unsure.
I am way more screwed up than I am letting myself believe.

....

second thoughts

Sometimes I get hit in the face with how big of a challenge next year is going to be - and how inadequate and unprepared I am. At times I feel so lost in the conversations at work and I wonder: if I feel too stupid to be a grad student at western... how am I going to stand a chance in my super competitive department at u of t?

Maybe the thrill of living in Toronto got to my head and has clouded my judgement. Maybe the fact that I am no longer happy in London - with its undergraduate feel and drinking-obsessed mentality... oh and the fact that I feel like an immigrant- has played too big of a role. Maybe I should have listened to all those warnings and stayed here... where at least I would be happy academically as opposed to feeling sub-par and struggling the next few years.

I'm bad at making decisions.

one year

wow it's been a year since I've posted on this thing. google seems to own everything.

maybe I'll start this thing up again.

After the chase, you work on the relationship

One of my housemates is dating the school president. The other is possibly starting something with her TA and has a blind date tonight. And another is learning with her boyfriend to start leaving clothes and food and whatnot at eachother's places so that it's easy just to spend the night all while trying to keep this a secret from her mother...who calls incessantly. The last housemate we're all convinced has a secret lover. She disappears a lot and has a lot of time gaps in her activities and seems a little more than friends with this one guy.
Is it bad that sometimes it just feels as though I'm missing out on a part of this university life? Not that I necessarily want to throw myself back there either. But its a part that makes going to the bars or going to a party of someone you don't really know a little more appealing. It's true and I've had this conversation many times. Things are just different when you're with someone. And we've seen it happen...Girl goes from routine bar-hopping to staying in because she doesn't feel like it anymore.
It's always been strange to be in this stage of feeling single because your boyfriend is non-existant in terms of my social life here and being part of one of those boring, old couples who are quite content on just sitting and doing nothing for the night. I like the freedom to do whatever with the girls but also don't like it that I can never have one of those quiet nights in either. And it may be strange but I get jealous of both extremes. I get jealous that I no longer have the same drive to get out there anymore and that the part of the 'fun' about going out is gone. And here, a large part of going out is about picking up and flirting a few drinks out of people. And unlike kris, there's no more crush-linked excitment and encounters with 'the boy'. I am also jealous everytime megs or liz have their boys here just to cook and watch a movie. I'm retarded I know.
But it's only sometimes I get jealous and only sometimes I forget how hard it would probably be for me to go back to being single and how I'm just so busy sometimes that I'm kinda glad that at least this is one less thing on my plate and that maybe, just maybe this is good for me.

strap on my utility belt

I've always been compelled to make somewhat of a decision on things even before the choice is really given to me. I guess I need to know where I stand on things before I face whatever it is. So I've made my decision and the outcome? Based on which company wants me...if any. One's just not worth me staying here. I could cell count in my backyard if I wanted to and possibly being the one with the unfortunate luck of getting the farm soil enriched with manure isn't something to look forward to when getting up in the morning. I'm still a believer in fate. The fact there wasn't a single bio job in Toronto must be significant in some way.

islet transplantation

So after I thought that I had my mind made up, of course it changes again. I thought I would never have a chance at these internship jobs so imagine my surprise when I get these emails about interviews. And image my surprise again, when I, who had already decided to opt out of this whole internship thing, really start to take a liking to this diabetes research one. It's something I ACTUALLY want to do. The drawbacks? It's here in London, which means spending another year out here. I know people who will be here for a fifth year but no one in my actual program so looks like I'll be sitting in class alone again. And I don't like the idea of being 'the random' for group projects. Do I wanna spend 6000 on rent and food?

And it's times like this that I realize how important he is in my life. He's so much a part of it that I can't make any decision without considering the implications it has on us. Even when I don't mean to. I don't even have to try or think about it, it just happens.

And maybe it just comes down to whether I would be mad at myself for passing up an oppertunity like this just for the sake of not being so far away if in the end we don't work out. Will I regret not doing it after my 'investment' turns bad? All the other factors in this difficult decision I can figure out and deal with. I can figure out if I'm willing to give up that money; I can deal with knowing no one in my classes again; I can decide on my own if I want to devote an extra year of my life to this school thing. But I can't seem to gauge how I'll feel about being a 5 hour commute away for an extra year and if it will all be worth it in the end. And I never really thought I'll be that type of girl, but I am. It's not like I'm giving up a life dream or anything, it's just an internship..that I might not even get. And I'm glad I have someone there that obviously means that much to me. It's just a strange feeling... to feel something tugging at you when you're so used to being able to take off without a second thought.

last one to buy something floral is a rotten egg.

I remember having those conversations about never understanding why older women chose to wear the things they do. And of course, right after would be the silent vow of never wearing tapered pants, holiday-themes sweaters, or anything floral-patterned no matter how old we got. I remember wondering how it got to that point. Was it an extension of the style in their younger days just carried it through? or was it something they grew into...that came along with a taste for wine and an obsession over gas prices that we would all inevitably follow?

The other day I was walking behind a girl, wearing one of those to-the-knee parkas with the fur-trimmed hood from aritzia with her jeans tucked into midcalf boots. It was nothing out of the ordinary and I was thinking for a second how a hood would be great for the blowing snow we always seem to get here. And then it hit me. Mrs. Hawthorn; my second grade teacher...the one with the knee-length winter coat. It was purple, had a fur-trimmed hood and she always dutifully tucked her pants into her mid-calf leather boots. And at that point I realized how similar our styles had become. that maybe we are all turning into 'those women'. That maybe I should stop making fun of my mom cause one day I'll be borrowing her clothes. haha that's a scary thought.

one year

I'm not good at making decisions, especially those fork-in-the-road type decisions where life will ultimatley turn out very different but you're not fully sure how different because you can't see the end of the road in either direction. *takes a breath* And okay, admittedly, it's not THAT big of a life decision but its enough. I remember when I had to pick a university and I was just so torn between them all that I ended up in tears. I'm still not sure if this was the right way to go. I love it here, but I can't help but wonder. I'm the kind of girl who likes to make a well-informed decision...who likes to know the outcomes. And I guess when those outcomes are just not available, the decision becomes impossible for me to make. Despite weighing all the pros and cons it still doesnt matter. Some things just can't be weighed and some things you can't even comprehend until you're actually in the situation. So maybe I'm just being chicken shit. But maybe I want to enjoy fourth year and finally get out of here instead of coming back to a place where most of my friends have already left and struggle getting back into the swing of things once again. Some may think it's only a year, but it's not just that. A lot changes in a year. I don'tknow what I might be missing out on or destroying by skipping out on this one year.

around the block

I know I always say this, but I love campus when the leaves start to change colours and fall off the trees and when the air is crisp, but not exactly cold either. I guess being in school for so many years, it signifies a new start. Nothing is the same as it was when this time of the year hits.

So I am finally getting settled into my new place. Things are put away, books are purchased, household routines are starting up. It is definitly different living in a house full of girls. I haven't experienced any drama yet, which I admit I expect. But maybe some girls are more about the drama than others. Apparently the big dramas are few and far between. Which of course is good. Whether its personality, or maturity, or somethign else, I don't know...but so far these girls don't seem like the drama type. Which of course is also good. lol

I'm definitely more distracted this year. Which helps with the missing of the one at home. Still miss him...but distractions help.

So after meeting the only random creepy from upstairs, I was not left with a good impression of the boys who live on the upper floors. But long story short, he was a random that someone who wanted to leave the house just stuck in there to pay the rent and he's kicked out now. Of all the 6 boys, I had to spend the 45 minutes with the creepy one.

Boys are good for cleaning up maggoty garbage. Thats what we get for missing a garbage day I guess. After moving a few of the bags, all of the other bags underneath looked as though someone threw up maggots on top of them all. It was a great 291 moment. One for the books.

Double booking one of my lecture periods this semester was definitely not the smartest move. But if it fits all the courses I want in...

I love living so close to everything downtown. I can walk to fries. mmm fries.

weekend

Seems as though all I needed was gentle kiss and a few reassuring words. I'm glad there is someone there who has confidence in it all when I don't.

And thank you packie for driving me around to get stuff. It was weird seeing you go that night and knowing it wasn't just for the weekend.

make it or break it

And it's times like these that make me really think that it may not last much longer. I think the distance is really starting to show and the frustrations at things we cannot control is building itself into a monster.

sobered

I've been looking at photos from the new orleans area and I am floored by it all. Houses totally flattened or imersed in water up to the rooftops..Big ass buildings moved and reloacted miles away from its original sites. I can't imgine having everything wiped out like that...my life...all the keepsakes that can never be replaced. I'm very thankful for the people in my life....The people who I thought about potentially losing who made me get teary-eyed. It's crazy...and amazing the people in the photographs can still smile.

don't knock it til you try it

In an instant I was an ipod convert. I never understood what was so great about those little things and why everyone wanted to get their hands on one so badly. Not that its remarkably unique (its a fricken mp3 player for goodness sakes) or that it's necessarily worth the uber dollar, but it is nice to have around. It reminds me of when I was so against having a cell phone. It was like a wireless umbilical cord allowing my parents to find me whenever they pleased...not that it stopped me from lying to them. You wouldn't know my past resentment towards a cell phone now. I LOVE the thing. It's become a dependence that I'm kind of ashamed of. I actually get a little nervous at first if I accidentally leave it behind at home for a day. So needless to say the little green iPod is with me most of the time; all the time when I'm on public transit. It's still only just over half full. I'm thinking it was a better choice than the pricier 1G sony one I was also eyeing. Luke is slowly turning me into a gadget geek...sorta...okay not at all. BUT, I do sometimes stop and wonder what I DO know because of him. I can pick out a nintendo ds from a mile away in a lecture hall while the girls sitting beside me have no clue what it is looking upclose. Times like that I realize that I probably wouldn't known either. And I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for him, I would still be listening to the ol' cd player or the (always interesting) 'sounds of the nugget' as I like to call them. In conclusion, I'm hooked.

here comes the sun

It finally feels like summer. No homework...no exams. Too bad its only for a few weeks.

Finished the weekend birthday bonanza that was me and yoyo's birthdays. Luckily we decided to switch birthdays this year otherwise that outdoor movie thing would have been quite interesting in the hail and the tornado warnings and all.

Speaking of the crazy storm that hit our area...I'm glad to say that I wasn't really caught up in it all on friday. Luckily for me, I sought refuge at Luke's house down the street and the raining had mostly stopped by the time I got off. After seeing those pictures of trapped buses lined up and cars half sumerged in water, it is almost a miracle how I was not affected at all being a routine commuter. It didn't even affect the birthday plans afterwards. Place was fine and everyone expected to come, came. I'm one lucky duck I am.

Karaoke turned out to be HILARIOUS. It could have gone either way in my mind. So the last minute, night-before decision to do this was a good thing afterall. Thanks packie for your help in telling everyone while I was at work. There's no videoclips or pictures up cause I'm not fancy like that, but if you want to see just let me know.

Dropped by a house party after yoyo's movie night and saw some people I haven't seen all summer...actually some I haven't seen in a long while. Who knew that Sean Lennon would still pop in sporatically in my life. It was nice.

I'm waiting for my ipod mini. 5 days doesn't seem like a long time to wait for soemthin to ship in, but ohh man I want it NOW.

AND thanks everyone for coming out and making it special and thank you for the presents and drinks and everything else :) I don't feel like birthdays call for celebrating anymore, but I do like the excuse for us all to get together and have some fun.

Back from the camping weekend.

A little sun burnt and bitten but all and all a great break from the ordinary. What could have been a very interesting weekend turned out to be drama free despite all the potential for it. I can't say that I'm not a little surprised, but I'm glad for those that were there and as well as myself that things went the way they did.
I went out to 'swim' for the first time in years. It's been probably almost 10 years judging from the last time I actually owned a bathing suit. They tried teaching me, but I think I'm too afriad of the water in my face to be comfortable enough to swim longer than three strokes. And seeing how I'm around water practically never, I'll never really learn how to swim, but I've also kind of accepted that. I'll lump it with the un-coordinated, unathletic part in me.
I saw my first shooting star. The clouds parted just enough for me to catch it.
I loved the corn Jacsen and I got from that farmer's market. It was soo sweet. Suspiciously sweet. Maybe even too sweet.
Having the tent to ourselves was nice. Lotsa space and lotsa late night talks and lotsa cuddling. I liked the 'love shack'....lol.
Tried to get back to Toronto as soon as I could so that I could get downtown with Luke to catch a friend's premiere screening of a movie his production company made. I know Jac sen didn't quite understand my rush, but every minute counted and really, would he have preferred me to just stand there and stare? I would have been uber sad if I had missed it. I'm not gonna be going to the L.A or New York film festivals. One chance kind of deals.
We have so much food left. I dont know why there was so much leftovers...

strawberry shortcakes, huckleberry pie

and with the completion of my english course comes the start of my summer. I can't wait til I can just sit on my butt with nothing to do again. Well there's never ever really nothing to do...but you know..nothing pressing.

I like boys who buy me coronas...thank you

It's semi early saturday morning. What am I doing up? I guess when I 'sleep in', it means getting a full 6 hours of sleep instead of the 4 or 5 I usually get.

I haven't had a night like last night for a while. It was very relaxed and well to be honest, food-filled. And as I was on my way home, I couldn't help thinking that the eating til 3 probably was the reason I gained so much weight before. I appreciate these nights more now that they don't happen so often needless to say. Those Neil boys sure had a lot of crazy stories but then maybe that's expected when you have a school full of boys.

It scared me last night when I realized how old we've become even if we don't feel it. I'm finding more and more people I know with not just jobs, but CAREERS now. I'm not old enough for a career yet.. yuck.

After talking to one of the hygenists at work about all the drama and what really happened that I didn't know about at this and at the other office, it just became more blatently clear how these things are all the same. There were many parallels and sadly, this tells me that even after what has happened in the past year or two, these types of fights will be a threat no matter how old and how mature you get. We talked about our own experiences and what I saw in the situation as an outsider. I told her that they both looked stupid and they both made assumptions and that they were both selfish in their thoughts. I told her I don't blame either one of them for acting as such. I told her that it put a lot of things in retrospective perspective (does that even make sense?) with what has happened with me in my own personal drama. I told her to let the grudge go. It's no point in keeping it with you and letting it control your life. Girls can get so catty. In the end, to make things sane in the office again, someone had to leave. So we lost someone that week. She just quit. Although I would like to say I would never leave my job over soemthing like that...I understood her need to get away despite everything and suddenly didn't think that was a bad idea at all.

and I'm back again...

Wow. I must really not want to read this book cause here I am again. Although the Hobbit isn't really that bad, I find it a bit confusing, and that in itself makes me not want to read it. Things are different when you know what you're reading is going to be on an exam. Gobblins, Dwarves, Elves, Hobbits, Trolls... they are all relatively the same to me. I get mixed up on who hates who and which ones are evil.. blah blah blah.

I jokingly say that God gave Luke this magic job to get him out of my hair. I get so much more reading done with my days off now. I was a little bit sad that he was going to be workign just as I start to get more free time with this course ending and all but right now it's sort of a blessing in disguise. Looks like I will actually be able to read through all the extra course materials and study for this one afterall. At the same time, it feels as though my potential time with him is getting eaten by an evil monster.

Not looking forward to this 9 am exam...with the 2 hour commute on top of it. I might as well be driving to london now that I think about it.

Work drama has ended and I don't have to be uber careful about what I say to people anymore. I didn't want to inadvertently get caught up in it. It's amazing how one innocent thing turns into quite another. Reminds me of my own drama in many ways. We are all stupid. Every single one of us.

Still on the bathing suit hunt. I think it may not end very well. I can't quite find one with both a top AND bottom that I like. Why does it seem that all halter style bikinis have a belt and belt loops on the bottoms? oh that and I have elephant legs.. lol

Shopping for the new place is fun. Too bad none of it is actually in the house. I should really figure out a day to go down.

Welps I guess that is all for now. Back to Bilbo I go...