happy birthday baby jesus

and despite how everything has changed in the last little while, sometimes things still stay alarmingly the same. once again, christmas at the leung household was non existant. so for christmas eve, while everyone was doing the family dinner and whatnot, i got my two trusty boys...my hybrid family. and believe it or not they managed to drag me to midnight mass. i swear i havent been to a mass i wasn't required to go to (ie: brother's confirmation, cousin's baptism, school mass) since probably elementary school. not saying its something to be proud of, but i wouldn't necessarily be ashamed of it either. it wasn't as bad as i remembered it but then again, i can't tell you what was being said- i made my own fun. AND does anyone else notice that during communion they close all the doors and open them back up afterwards? yoyo and jacsen think i'm crazy but trust me, you church go-ers look next time. i'm thinking there must be a reason i just dont understand.

n.e.r.d.

it's sad when it takes tragic things like a funeral to get us all together again. it seems as though i've been going to way too many over the last few years. but i guess they also serve as a reminder that we're still connected. we've realized that none of us have really seen or talked to him all that much since we've all split ways. but when things like this happen, it makes you realize that maybe we're not so far apart afterall. i mean everyone who needed to know found out and everyone who needed to be there, was. even that teacher from highschool...who'd you'd have never thought at first would have found out.

i like that he smiled as i approached..despite what he was going through. i liked that he knew i would say something about his leg and that he was all ready with a story for me.

afterwards was a late lunch. i was so hungry and risked popping those stitches just to get the food down my mouth as fast as i could. it was not the time for careful chewing. despite how complicated and messed up that whole group of people are at times, i still miss them and how they make me laugh.

it was a good christmas eve. despite the circumstances that brought us all together of course.

meet chipmunk cheeks

i feel trapped in this house. trapped, but at the same time weary of going anywhere.
the actual procedure went great. that feeling....of yourself going under.. of feeling yourself losing contact with the world- its weird. when one of the nurses asked me if i was okay, i wasn't sure if i could physically get myself to answer...

and now im swollen and can fall asleep at any time. oh tylenol 3s...so unpredictable. and i guess that's whats keeping me from doing a lot of things- the fear of getting hit in the face (i've actually done it to myself a few times) and the fact that i need naps every time i take me pain medication... and of course there's also the fact that my left cheek is square. damn the uneven swelling...

the boy dropped by today with fruit in pureed smoothie form. thank you for helping me stave off scruvy for another day. and it was just extra nice considering it was more than what my mom has done for me this whole time. i got fed up of eating nothing and actually tried making real food. my jaw hurts. maybe i got a little over zealous with the chewing.

apparently tomorrow is going to be hell. we'll see. i really would much rather go shopping with jaxs.

monday was our christmas. thank you and i hope you enjoyed yours. and ang finally owns her first real dvd. lol.

sometimes i dont realize how things sound until after i have had the chance to rethink things through. i really dont mean to sound so ungreatful...and maybe that's not how you heard it, but playing it back through my head.... it just sounded wrong. sometimes i wonder if you are somehow just immune to all of this somehow. or if somehow you understand me more than i think you do. and it's just nice knowing that you are still there...no matter what. and no matter what stupid things i seem to do.

keep on truckin'

it's amazing what those pheromones can do. thanks to jaxs i am semi-regular once again. and its even better cause she gets hers first. haha Funny how it also worked last year (although i'm sure coincidentally) even though three out of the four of us were on the pill. Go mentrual synchrony.

i wanna go boxing day shopping!!! i haven't been truly out shopping for soo long. i'm hoping i can spare the christmas money from being used for rent and splurge a little. and i'm also hoping for some good sales to ease the pain. AND i've decided that i'm gonna be great by then (yes, these are things i can decide..) so that if i get elbowed in the face by some irrate woman trying to get her hands on a sweater, i won't die of pain.

just ONE more to go baby! haha and as excited as i am to come home for christmas, i'm also not. i think more than anything, i just need the break. and a little lovin' from my boy and girls. and yoyo, if you're reading this, you're included in the girl pile.

all that i can say is that next semester is going to be quite interesting.. lol we'll see how this all goes.

i was thinking the other day... you know how some people don't ever seem to have to make a hard decision in their life? and i don't mean they just couldn't decide something; i mean that things just fall perfectly into place so that the decision is pretty clear. i hate those people. okay no i don't. i am just jealous at a how easy it is for them. not saying its their fault for it or anything- just the cards we are dealt. but still : / why does there not seem to be any consequences for you no matter what? why does life like you so much better?

a part of me still winces when i let myself think that this whole thing is gonna last. i do think that; but i won't let myself. i can't let myself believe that i can win the race when the finish line is so far i guess. the disappointment will be that much greater when i don't.

and i know... there really is no real reason for me to leave. i just like to entertain these thoughts for now though...

flip flop

and i think it just seeded a thought. or perhaps just made a deep hidden desire grow. it's always kinda been there since the day i left, sitting on my shoulder, sometimes louder at times than others. but for some reason it didn't seem like a viable idea. i had always just pushed it aside and labelled it s bit of homesickness. but as of late i just keep on wondering.

do I really belong here?

it just seems easier, of course not initally.... there wouldnt be a long distance anything, i wouldnt be missing the people back home, perhaps things would have been a little less screwed up. i would have a job and the money that would have gotten loss through rent, could have by now paid for a car....if i had not been so stubborn to leave from the begining.

i try to think back on why i wanted to get out of there to begin with, why i was so set on leaving not just the city, but perhaps the province. things just dont seem as bad when they've been faded and blurred by time...because although i can remember why, i think back and believe that i could have easily coped.

and then i think of how weird it would be suddenly not knowing anyone from my labs and suddenly not have some of the people i know here. and suddenly having everything unfamilliar again. i think what's done is done and going back will just remind me of why i wanted to leave and how it can't undo this whole mess, and that some way i would end up screwed anyways. and i think how there's still something here for me to discover...something that brought me here.

it left a bad taste in my mouth

it's like i can't even think anymore without getting yelled at in some way. what the hell is wrong with me? it finally occured to me today how much that one little decision i made back then had such an impact...and how i'm paying for it in so many ways right now. and in the back of my mind, im still thinking of how easy it would to just give up and give in to what seems easier right now. but i won't let myself, i've gone so far already.

i know you tried and i do get it but stupid thought or not, it was still my thought. it wasn't like it was unjustified or unreasonable but it just kills me that no one will ever see it that way. to you i will always be the unreasonable one in this situation and i guess i'm okay with that. friends always have their unreasonable moments...what can you do...lol

hmm an on this thing i just noticed that the word unreasonable lined up right on top of eachother....and now i sound weird, cause it probably won't post that way...

and i just realized how im probably gonna feel the reprocussions of this very post but i really really really don't care right now. i just need to get the last bits of the conversation residue out. as was said, no one has to read this right? and im thinking that should work for everyone.

and on another note. . .

sometimes i wonder what you two fight about and if in about a year or so whether i'll be in that position too. it's weird to think that it could be so, but at the same time, it's very possible.

two more weeks about and im outta here.. of course 2 weeks of hell but outta here nonetheless. which is what really counts in my head. well i guess it doesn't count if i fail....or in my case get below 70 in my courses.. oh man that would suck.

ive been eating so much lately...im gonna come home obese...lol but maybe with all the non-eating from the teeth gouging, it will balance the world out a bit. or maybe not, since i see myself sucking down liquid lard rather than starving..okay maybe not liquid lard. how about we substitute that word for..milkshakes.. lol big is beautiful

and i guess with that i'm off..

bunched up

this past weekend at home was great! and although it was too short and involved two epic journies, it was well worth it. it just felt different this time; but different in a good way i guess. I got absolutley no work done as expected, did this weird AE exchange.return things, met my new dentist, and spent way too much time in a store of only ribbons than any normal person should have.

but i guess that's our thing. from picking beads outta a barrel at lewis craft, to being late because of ikea, or emerging out of a bead store we entered at 1 in the afternoon only to find ourselves in the middle of jazz fest. so why not a ribbon store? it was uber fun though. and mostly; it was comfortable.

maybe that's it...what made this weekend different....it was the first i felt comfortable for a while. there was no drama, no me trying too hard, none of the whole being weary of situations and over-analysing every little thing.

i like it when luke's parents aren't home and we have the house all to ourselves and we dont have to worry about making sure we're not in the way or too loud or whatever. and its nice that justin doesn't seem so scary anymore. he's better with me and doesnt groan silently and run away to another room like he normally does. its a nice feeling to be able to actually watch tv with me and him and luke outta the room and actually be comfortable (and yes even talking) instead of me constantly hoping luke will come back..and soon.

it was a good weekend for reasons i could never really explain

i never said i was normal
and this whole thing is seeming really stupid
and i let go.

snowman cookies

I've decided that I would rather pluck out every hair on my body individually with tweezers than study for this chemistry exam. And to think, I still have another semester of this...except harder. I will never understand chemistry.

tomorrow might be a value village adventure with jaxs. teehee and maybe get me some groceries too. im excited.

my christmas present is sitting in his room right now. it's wrapped up and everything. the other part to it just arrived by mail today. i'm dying to know what it is. who wants to go find out for me....come on i'll make it worth your while. must stop...being..so....ridiculously nosy. on that note, anyone know where i can get an iskin and what they cost? i think 30 bucks? well thats how much they were when they first came out but i saw 40-buck ones in the store and was thinking that was a little expensive for a rubber envelope of a product.

sorry amanda, no coming back home this weekend. way to much work. and my micro class decides to be really nice and dumps our last three lab reports on the next week cause they were stupid and panicked with they realized school was ending sooner than they thought. yay me. so yeah i figure this also de-complicates things.. um yeah ill email/msn you about that. lol.

and the christmas countdown starts...

lemon cookie

why WHY do i keep on doing this to myself. i ....i just want to take a pair of scissors and cut that aspect of my life out right now. it's not the best thing to do, but everything is good or at least okay except for you. things seemed to be getting better, and by better i mean more 'normal' but just when i think things have settled, it hits me again. i can't help it...im fine until out of no where something is there and i feel it and know its there. i know that probably millions of other people have heard of the struggles, on-going struggles, and struggles have been re-hatched and dissected and re-told again. i just get mad about it all, all over again. but i just dont wanna deal with it now...or ever. and i think i'm doing my running away from things that i do so well now. cause afterall if you can't physically run why not do it in other ways.

the company that we rent our townhouse apartment thingy from is offering us a free case of beer per tenant who is renewing the lease for next year... haha so we might have three cases of beer sitting in our living room. i knew this whole issue would be soon, but i didnt realize this soon. oh london.

i found this weird maggot/grub in my bok choy. yes i have china vegetable here. it fully grossed me out. and no it was while i was cuutting them up before washing them that i found it. if i had found it cooked, i would have thrown up. but the path it took intot he vegetable to make its new home was kinda cool. theres a dead maggot.grub in our garbage can right now.

i'm excited to go christmas shopping...excited and a little worried i guess. must get everything done before the 21st...stupid teeth pulling.

i know you probably don't know how much you've helped. thank you. and hopefully i get to see you for a bit this weekend. oh, but dont kill yourself. :P

and im thinking how my parents would react if i came home three weekends in a row...lol. my parents arent the type of parents who are happy to have me back. itsmore of a 'what are you doing back' sorta thing. not that they dont want me there, just not hey lets go take you out and have family time types..lol and i dont even want to think about the work i have to do. sigh.

my teeth hurt

i think i have a cavity. this is going to make my upcoming dejntist appointment really interesting. i remember when i was a kid, i had a bajillion of them. it was like every time i went, i had to fill at least one. but since all my baby teeth have fallen out, i can say i am cavity free. DMAN YOU CAVITY!!! i'm hoping its one of those cavities that you feel is there, but was only a figment of your overactive imagination. maybe when i eat candy and bite into the wrong things with it, it really doesnt hurt.

the bump i received from dropping a digital camera on my head is slowly receeding (sp?). and it no longer hurts to wash my face. lol yay for that

dead skin cells

i don't know what's going on anymore. all of the little secrets, the everyday inside jokes kinda things, the words that come out of your mouths.

and no matter what, i know things are still weird and i know things are not alright because things like this happen. suddenly im not a part of the conversation even though the whole point was that you thought it was me. suddenly, i dont get to laugh about it, but rather get to hear about it after everything has gone down. suddenly i feel like giving up. and so maybe i myself have not totally come to terms with everything that has happened. but maybe its time that i do. and if things return to relatively where they were before like it has so many other times with so many other people, then good; but i also have to learn to accept that they very well might not.

i give up on learning

sometimes you just gotta tell yourself that there will be more to life than this... someday. and sometimes waiting to get to that point is just too much. i just want to get to that point right now- not cause there is anything wrong with where i am now, im just not content when the 'one day' seems so much better.

i have an interview on thursday. one of those sit down, explain your experiment, and listen while i tear apart your scientific article types of interviews. and we all know how great i am with those.. mer.

it wasn't until recently that things sorta started to make sense. i never knew why there was all this fighting; why it was always so explosive. i really didn't get it. i thought that maybe it was because i just couldn't understand it yet; that my time in life to learn was not here. but now im seeing how things are just like that cause youre messed up. and i know its mean and judgemental to say that. but no really, youre messed up. and im messed up too, but thank goodness not in that way.
okay i thinki should go now, im getting mean.

i hate everyone!!! the end.


*bows and exits*

its getting cold

alison found me today in biochem. kirsten wasnt showing up today cause she was cramming for our midterm tomorrow and al couldnt find her girlie either. i know it was nothing, but it was nice having her there again. it reminded me of our bio ap days...both of us writing crap down we both dont totally understand and having to look over at eachother's notebooks to see if we spelled things right.

i know i probably blew it out of proportion considering it was such a little, insignficant thing. maybe it was compounded by the fact that we've both been so stressed-out and busy lately. it's just really frustrating because i hate how sometimes i can never get a straight answer and i hate how i have to ask like 36 different questions just to find out something. i hate feeling as though everytime i want to know something so ordinary and normal for a person to say, i turn into an interrogator. and i know you say its fine that i ask...but maybe i get tired of asking...you never seem to have to ask me.

ihate biochem. thank goodness the final isnt cumulative.

i know it's a little late...but

i'm wearing halloween underwear. my crotch says "BOO"

waiting for the shower

At what point does a blog or lj entry turn into a cheesey tabloid-like article, but one in which the reader knows the stories are true? What line separates it from an informative medium to vent out ideas and frustrations until it turns into something people view in the same way as an on-going magazine serial or like a real life soap opera. yes, ive also taken part in this whole 'reading people's entires who i technically know, but who i dont really personally know or talk to', and i think everyone has participated in this indulgence at least one time or another. but it's true, as someone else says, its not fair when the story is one sided and perhaps shared without taking into account the feelings of the people involved. it's not fair when you share the same group of friends and that although unintentional, the other person so constantly mentioned, is changed in everyone else's opinion.

Even the greatest journalists are still biased in their writing even when they make a conscious effort not to be. it's just human nature to have an opinion and to let that come through in what we think or do. And there's also a reason why they are legally required to get permission from people who they write about when collecting information. it's what separates a credible, information-gathering journalist, from one who sifts through the trash of others for a scoop. it's just not fair when we don't hear the other side of things and its even more unfair when the person involved doesn't feel comfortable with the level of sharing. cause it's their problem too and you may just be making it bigger than they would like.

How would you feel if you opened up a friend's blog or lj and were constantly reading of how crap-tacular you are...and knowing that all your other friends are reading this too?

card-pickin' goldfish

something just made me not want to go. it was a mix of the fact that i woke up at 6am that morning after three hours of sleep and the fact that by going, i would have ruined some aspect along the way. they wouldn't have looked back at that night in the same way and so im thinking it was all for the better.

and sometimes you just need that person who doesn't go and never asks why. the person that doesnt seem to care what your reason is; just that you dont want to. There's just some things that i don't want to go into detail with because it wouldnt be fair for you.. and your relationships. i dont want anything happening because of some weird loyalty thing...and even you knowing about it all may just be a little too weird. and because i know you dont know even half of what's really going on, or rather went on, i'm greatful that we're at this point where you can just sense that its not something i want to get into, even though you know there's something incredibly wrong.

i wanna know why im paying a health care premium and then getting my free eye doctor exams taken away. what the hell. give me back my money mr. premier! arg.. just cause YOU'RE rich enough to pay for your own eye exams doesn't mean i am.

oooh i just wish this exam schedule is finalized soon so i can possible still change my teeth-gauging appointment.

hmm so im really getting nervous about this biochem exam now. let the memorization begin...

unloading

-there's a new dynamic. and again, i feel like that kid in elementary school, looking at all the other girls playing double dutch and just getting confused and dizzy by the swinging ropes...and i still cant figure out how to jump in.

-and although it was a short weekend with me constantly thinking oh man orgo exam sat and another exam and test thursday...it was a needed break...with familliar home faces. i had a blast and breakfast and such was great. thank you for coming. i just wish i had more time to spend with you...we could have actually done somethign the night you came in and sat during the day...

- i was really drunk saturday...but something tells me that maybe i should have been drunker.

-sean at my house twice within the last month is kinda weird..lol

-matty is never gonna get his butt here to start our little exercise regime at this rate. lol

- it's hard to continuously feel sad about something when it feels as though more and more that i'm the one being blamed. and i know they'll never say it outright that hey it's my fault and instead say thats just how life changes, but its always about how things have changed around me. it's never weird when its the three of them, only when its the four of us....so the only logical conclusion would be....yup.
so what if i am the one to blame..
we all know things are different. and i know its just venting and whatnot and i'm by no means telling anyone to stop, but its kinda hard getting how ive failed thrown in my face all the time even though it's meant as a 'hey this is life'. cause no matter how much a part of life this is, it's still me reading about how i was somehow a disappointment. and i really dont feel like dealing with that.
i guess the above doesn't apply to the same degree for everyone. im kinda lumping i know. and really, i am thankful for the talks and explosion extinguishing during this whole thing...but there's just still something about the whole mess.....maybe its just a general thing.
and in truth, all the sadness that i still have concerning this whole issue, is slowly hardening into resentment and im not even sure why.

-i miss china fish...yeah i know, random thought...but im just craving for a nice steamed fish with lotsa green onion and ginger and soya sauce. mmm sauce.

-i hate how this whole thing is affecting me. im tired of feeling like shit. i need a mini break from it. time to rearrange my weekend...or at least what i thought my weekend would be.

-lab tuesday, lab wednesday, lab and 10% test for bio thursday and 40% micro midterm thursday as well.. it doesnt help that a pass to stay in my program is 70% now....is that heartburn i feel? lol