merry christmas
i had a "that 70s show" moment last night. it was great just all being together and having nicki's mom come around and hug and kiss us as though she's raised us from birth, despite the fact that im sure she's seen some of these people like only twice before. just seemed like soemthing kitty would do to the gang once they came back for christmas break.
i'm off to montreal in a few hours and although the hassle of actually going is putting me into a "maybe i'll just cancel my train tickets" state of mind, i'm actually kind of excited about it all. i kinda of want to tell everyone of my adventures. just feel different and i kind of want to be thrown back into the family craziness once again to see how it feels.
i got a couple of shifts... and that means a little extra money in my account this christmas.
still got lots to do when i come back.. like wrapping gifts and finsihing some in some cases...lol
im glowing and happy and full of merry cheer. its a GREAT christmas.

today someone said something to me that really made me think... well what actually made me think was they way i answered. it scared me. it scared me partly because i knew it could happen...because i've thought about it before and how it would make things so much easier. it scared me because sometimes i feel trapped...okay trapped isnt the best word..but kinda of wedged? in this thing...and a lot of the times i like being there because its secure and nice and whatnot..but you know me, im never in one place for too long, and when you try to hold me back, i only fight harder.

i'm scared because i dont want to do it, but a part of me knows i might.

christmas break has begun
i feel so content right now...like all is right with the world. the most stressful thing to my day is figuring out what i'm doing tomorrow or how to get from place A to place B and i love it. i fucking love it. and even though this calm is obviously only temporary, i chose to bask in it for as long as i can. trying to let go of the fact that i have no car and the fact that i think my mom and dad are already mad at me after 2 days of being home. but you know what? i dont worry about it cause eventually i will leave. and i know running away has been the source of this family's problems, but hey they started it, why not i end it this way too? its gonna suck moving back in here after my four years. i really dont know if i can do it... i really dont.
i cannot quite put my finger on how toronto, or rather scarborough makes me feel anymore. yes it is home and is filled with love and forgotten comforts and carefree fun, but i see it differently now. i think london somehow snuck into the crevices of whatever my original perception of toronto was and changed it just ever so slightly. it's become more foreign as university became more familliar. it's gotten pushed aside the more i embrace western. i know it will always be this place i come running to for that little break because it is afterall home...but i dont have an urge to be here permanently any more.

free at last, FREE at last...
as of last nigth, i was a free woman. i was so excited, even after i started drinking, i could think of anything else other than PACK!! it is the greatest feeling in the world right now, especially cause these past 6 days, with my four exams have left me drained and needing of love. and so yes it was great to come back, and jump and scream I'M DONE!! I'M DONE!!! as it finally sunk in. going to waterloo for a couple of days before i come home home. then seeing the boy for a bit before a night out with the girls. im freee baby!!!

grr...queen of the jungle
- i am going to get a cold once i come back to toronto. i can feel it. my body has been running on overdrive and when its all done and over with, its going to collapse. i can feel the struggling already. this is how i know its going to happen.
- the caf is closed as of tomorrow night. oh man imagine behind trapped here for exams and not having the caf convieniently downstairs. its either cooking yourself or running across the street through four lanes of traffic in the cold for food.
- 2 more to go in the next two days. i got through the first bit of the four exams in 6 days hell. i'm waiting for my first university semester to be done...and also my first christmas break since well, elementary school without homework or a job getting in the way. this may be the only one for a while too, seeing how im gonna get me one of them jobs next year. but again, no boxing day shopping for me, since i will be en route back to toronto from montreal. yes, ive decided to take advantage of the lack of work and homework and see the family for a few days. hmm maybe i should just come back a day late and go shopping there.. or maybe i should cool it with this shopping thing cause i have no money...and all christmas cash should be put into the "im too lazy to cook, lets order pizza" and "lets go out and drink" funds.
-i'm pretty sure i achieved the 70 i needed in calc. we'll see though. lets say i thought i did better in chem than i actually did. lets just hope the same doesnt go for calc, cause that means i cant really do my program next year, which needs a 70% average.
- i realize now how very little three weeks actually is. my growing list of things i want to do may not all happen. i want to bake cookies...but have no car to buy the groceries and perhaps no time to bake them til after christmas...how weird is christmas cookies AFTER christmas? hmm maybe ill do it anyway..
-i just got christmas presents from the roomie.. ladybug socks! yay.. theyre great cause they have actual ladybugs on the ankles. (oh but in pom pom form..haha i just realized how confusing that must hve been)
- sometimes i just want my mommy...to cut me up fruit at 10:30 to eat while im studying or to be there to gently rub my back while i collapse on the floor for a 5 minute tv break... yes i do realize im a friggin 20 year old (well not, but this makes it sound even worse and i like it) asking for her mommy... i just need someone there to hug me and go "its going to be okay".
- i'm kinda scared for this bio exam.. im realizing i know less than i thought i did... lol mer. okay back to studying
-p.s. this president's choice peanut butter ice cream bar thing is phallic shaped...really phallic shaped.. just thought you needed to know.

running on my last bit of fuel
its almost 7 in the morning. i got up at 630 to study a bit for this 9 am exam, which i have decided should be outlawed. i didnt get myself to sleep til about 415...not because i was studying or cause i even wanted to, but because i just COULDN'T sleep. it was damn frustrating. and to tell you the truth im a lot more awake than i thought i would be. lets hope im still this way 5 hours from now... wow i just realized i have more exam hours than hours of sleep.. mer

8 more days...7 technically
-first exam is tomorrow. chem. not really worried about that one too too much... its the calc on wednesday that im nervous about. 50% crap.
-i had a freak out this morning. kind of out of nowhere. i hate feeling this helpless. and even though they were far away, their mere presence, even only in msn form, made the difference. support can come in a lot of different forms and i was so thankful for this person at that moment especially.
-i know i probably dont say it enough and am too busy to make you realize but i do see things the same way and feel the same way and a lot of other things. its just not as obvious as i would like sometimes. and to tell you the truth sometimes i dont fully realize it myself.
-we hung up one of each of our socks in the livingroom. its christmas up in here.
-hours spent at the library arent cool. the lights burn right through my retinas. and you would thinkin a 7 story building with a couple thousand students and a million books would absorb some of the cold air that is circulating in there..but no, its still freezing.
-december the 16th date. teehee and sleepover plans to boot.

slushy
i know it may seem a little early to be thinking about this stuff, but hey this is london, where people sign leases as early as january and where people like this boy across the hall have parents who BUY them houses. i got my roomates and im happy cause im comfortable with them and i trust them and i know i wont want to kill them in a few month's time. and i get uber excited looking through ads for these houses and it makes me feel grown up even though in my mind, i am way in over my head. im glad i dont have to do this alone though, cause even though i know i would manage, its nice to have someone there with you to pick up the pieces when you feel as though you cant. there might be some struggles later on..hey its not my fault if you just assumed...but im not really worried about those and know they'll just fix themselves.

went to the hospital to hand in my application form...would realy like to volunteer there..might as well while im lviing on campus so close to it and while i dont have a job right? its strange but no matter how stressed and tired i get here, i still always feel as though something is missing. years of random school stuff and jobs have definitly left their mark on me. i do realize that i cant handle a job sometimes and it would be stupid cause i would miss out on so much, but another part of me needs it in a way. im hoping i can volunteer next semester.. only about 4 hours a week and it'll give me something else to do.

so i typed this long ass thing and then i clicked something accidentalyl outside the blogger posting window and it asked me to save it or else it would just disappear..so i click okay and now i cant find it.

uptown girls
i'm feelin a bit antisocial as of late, and i can't really figure out why. the only thing i can think of is my period, but i think far too many things are blamed on it. didnt do much this weekend, unlike all the others here that involved some form of alcoholic beverage consumption and some form of dancing or at least getting outside of this building at night. but i liked that the place was cleared out for me. even though lindsay stayed, she was trying to milk her last weekend of freedom before exams for all it was worth, and i got the suite to myself. it felt almost unnaturally good that i had it to myself the past two evenings. really had that sense of this is my place and i can be bum-y and could do whatever the hell i want. was supposed to read psych and even though i did technically read some, it wasnt all that i wanted to get accomplished. i dont like the fact that there are no assignments and whatnot here..well i do but the drawback is, is that i dont do anythign unless i have to. and of course th leads to realizing i have to read half a textbook for this exam coming up cause being stupid, i didnt read it in sections like everyone else seemed to do.

other things that happened in brief:
-had to face the fact that i was losing jess as my physics lab partner, shes dropping the course. we agreed to continue our friday dates though
-jess got told that she could drop the course, but continue doing the labs since they were half done anyways and just not do the lab component next year. we just have to get it approved by the lab coordinator. our fingers are crossed.
-went to masonville with dan where we both figured out we are not "cosmo girls". also gave him a mini crash course on being a girl and make up.. now he sorta understands the goop his sister seems to own. (hahah no, dan doesnt wear the make up..lol)
-was supposed to watch ohl game..london verses sarnia. but seats were sold out due to the retiring of brenden shanahan's (he played for the london knights a million years ago) jersey or number or whatever it is they retire. since it was snow-raining, didnt bother to make other plans, especially when it involved hauling my ass downtown to meet the off campus people who live so damn close to that place in comparison.
-had the first 'bump in the road' with the boy. it wasnt anything..just a little annoyance..a little realization sorta thing. all good now. it will be nothing but a pebble once the real problems show up later on.
-i was scratching my leg the other day and it felt like a mosquito bit me..you know with the itching and the little hardened mass in the middle. then i forgot about it. i looked a day later and its a big ass bruise and the hardened mass is still there but smaller. so the question of the day is, is the mass there cause of the bruise (like some sort of blood clot thing?) or is the bruise there because i was scratching it harder than i realized?

things while 'studying' at the ucc
chivalry: it made me smile just to watch them. the little things that a lot of us take for granted, like making sure that he gets a chair for her first before finding one for himself...like fixing the wobble in the table once he notices it, or even getting her coffee just cause...all this and he had a cute little accent and messy hair.
Ivey: two business students with laptops plugged in and papers spread across the table with the word 'Ivey' emblazoned on them quietly argue amoungst themselves. words spurt out like 'black and decker scenario' and facts, figures, and margins of all kinds. No matter how stressed out you feel, always look at an ivey person and they'll make you feel better.
friends it started with a group of of two girls. sitting, studying like me. one more joins the group, and another, and another; all people who just were in the ucc too. they turned into one massive huddle of laughter and loud voices. normally i would have been annoyed. but today it made me miss people. i miss the feeling of knowing everyone. i miss the feeling of people stopping me from studying. there have been days that i feel as though im bumping into a million people i know...but they dont happen as often as i would like.
jock this gigantor jock with a walking cast walks by. there is a table covered with everyone's collective garbage. jocks are apparently attracted to shiny things cause he walks up to the garbage table picks up the shiny thing he sees only to realize it is a bit of foil from those plastic/foil gum packages. the look of disappointment and confusion was perfect.
sunshine a pat volpe-esque student walks across the pavement, in full view of all those studying at the ucc with a giant labatt blue i am candian PATIO umbrella. you cannot fully appreciate what i am trying to describe without actually seeing the enormity of this umbrella and the way that the slitted sides bounce as he walked. it was great while watching as the laughter spread across the room as each person saw the spectacle, like fans doing the wave at a baseball game. that man was the sunshine to my rainy day.

there are things i cant explain
trip back home was great...refuelled me for the last three weeks. you know friends that you'll keep throughout your life when you come back and its like you have never left. the fact that i can just pop in and we can talk and go out and do things as though we've been together all along still gives me that warm feeling inside because honestly for a while back there i was worried. i forget that im in toronto when im in toronto now... it just feels as though they are a part of my life all the time.. kinda like if i went to school in toronto but at another campus or soemthing. i'm kinda glad that the big city still has that mystic to it..that i still get a little confused downtown. i dont know if i would want it to all change cause well the city wouldnt look the same to me if i had gone to school there. i like how my two once separate worlds melded together so nicely. i was a little scared that they would clash.

howling
ive been doing a lot of thinking lately..about well the future. i realized that there are a lot of things right now that are up in the air that could affect things later on. and if things go the way they seem to be heading, i might be in trouble. i dont want to end up 'taking care' of people who should not be my responsibility to take care of. just because you did not realize that it is time to grow up and take care of things yourself doesnt mean that i should be the one there to take care of it for you. i want to be able to know that if something does happen, it wont always be me being the one to deal with it. and a part of me doesnt trust them to do it either. and its sad when other people dont get worried about these people til they realize that theres no one there to take care of them anymore. its sad in a way.
in the recent years i've started to realize that my parent's nonchalent way of taking care of us and their busy schedules were a blessing in disguise. they probably feel really guilty about it at times but now i kinda want to thank them. i know it was partly my own personality, but im really glad that i was forced out on my own...forced to deal with things. i think being exposed to stuff at a young age and the fact that i like this independent kick i get once in a while let me be better at this being older thing. i know i can be okay on my own. i get frustrated at people who cant seem to put their lives together. and im not saying that mine is perfect or even remotely stable and i do have the occational breakdown; but i cant deal with the people who cant even seem together for two seconds...people who cannot function even a little while on their own, people who meet up with a little bump in the road and simply think its the end of the world instead of merely dealing with it. i dont want to take care of you just cause you cant take care of yourself. sometimes you gotta actually face the wolves to learn how to fight them.

sometimes you make me so sad...and you don't even know it.

out of the vein
i wonder if i am really able to handle this all. sometimes, and i know this is bad, i wonder what it would be like if it all didnt happen. would i actually be reading this psychology that never seems to get read? would i be in the livng room with my roomates more? would i be better adapted and perhaps happier in that respect than my current situation? i am happy. really happy but if it all didnt happen i wouldnt know how happy i could have been right? its like that movie.. where i think gwenyth paltrow has two life paths..sliding doors? well i actually never watched the movie so i could be totally wrong. im just wondering what if? and i just realied i shouldnt be wondering that and instead living in the now, but the question always manages to find a way back into my mental processes. i always think of all the options...i always weigh out every possibility. its engrained in me. even when i make seemingly rash decisions, the millions of possibilities and decisions have all been looked into in those few seconds. i dunno i think im just doubting everything righ tnow. reevaluating my life a bit. i get like this sometimes.

diggin on you
petrina coming by this weekend was my little bit of home that i hd been yearning for. it was great just to catch up...just to sit there and not necessarily do anything and still be comfortable. i liked that lindsays friends were also over. i like that mallory finally got to stay a weekend instead of going home to work. i'm glad we all got to go dancing together and drunk together and be stupid together. it really has made a difference in my head. i am the only one out of the 7 people that were here this weekend to not be hooked on bust a move. and i really dont think i should get started.

there are so many things whizzing through my head right now. im almost dizzy. the blogging i guess will have to wait til i sort them out cause right now i dont even know what i know anymore.

flu shot tomorrow.

housecleaning
you can affect people in so many different ways without you even knowing that you are.
-i didnt want you to feel that way and would have kept my mouth shut about it if i knew that that was what it would do. i wanted to tell you because i thought that you should know..just like all that stuff you wrote you wrote because you thought i should know.
-the bonds that are between us cannot be broken by a few measly miles. i personally didnt think anything was wrong. i wasnt mad that i didnt know. i didnt think that it was a sign of the impending doom of us. i thought that perhaps because we still talked all the time you just forgot you didnt tell us. i honestly spent like no time analysing that in my head and a lot more time than necessary wondering why if you didnt tell the three of us who did you think you told? lol cause its not like you told 15 and left out 5..you like told one person! lol. i just think its amusing thats all. and next time you feel like thigns are falling apart and you dont have enough hands to hold the pieces together while you wait for the superglue to dry, im always here. i know things arent ideal right now.. but think of all the changes you went through the last five years. things are never static and just when you think they are stuck, you find out theyre not. like who woudl have thought that it took us a good chunk of highschool to actually really find find eachother..
-i want to throw them all into a box and tape it up. i want to deal with them when im ready and able.
-is he gay or not? i cant quite tell...not that i will ever see him again. but he sure makes me wonder. do straight boys have tongue rings?
-i sometimes get so frustrated with her and it makes me feel sad. i cant help it but there are things that really get on my nerves but seem really petty and i cannot bring them up...so oblivious.

according to chinese horoscope rats and horses dont get along
i dont know how he does it. even from 300 kilometers away he still has this grip on me. i hate it. i hate it that even after all these years i'm still affected by it. i hate that even on msn i can hear his voice and hear his emotions and hear the underlying sarcasm and that strange way he says everything that makes me want to hit him and wonder why he had any friends growing up at all. i hate the fact that i am 19 years old and he can still make me cry. i hate the way he makes me feel like shit. i hate that after every conversation with him in person or not, all i want to do afterwards is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. no one should be able to do this to you. its so exhausting the mind games he plays. things may have gotten better since back then, but the issues that have always come between us are still there. he pretends like its okay...but that's all it is-pretending. you can tell by the way he phrases things or by the things he does. things aren't fixed.

he wanted a proper little girl. one who didnt scream, or run around, or did anything 'unfeminine'. children are supposed to be seen not heard would be one of his policies. her brother could run around...he was cute and doing what all boys did when he would crawl over people and accidentally poke them in the eye. she apparently was a dissapointment and well more of challange than he expected (you mean girls aren;t supposed to just want to sit there? i think it was a shock the first time i picked up a bug to show him). he simply wasn't ready for what he thought he was. the girl grew and eventually he got laid off. he was forced to stay at home with the two children. the weekend grocery shopping trips and dinner at home didnt seem so hard, but being a full time father was completely different. the fights started. the girl was stubborn just like her grandma...ironically his own mom. eventually he learned that kids involved more than just feeding and clothing them and things did get better, but he qucikly found that maybe he couldn't adapt quickly enough...the kids seemed to change way too fast.
as she hit her preteens, things turned ugly like in most famillies. she grew up in a westernized world he never had any idea of. her mom tried to tell HIM that girls dont stay in and cook and take care of the family here like his older sister did all those years ago. there was no need for that. and that just because she went out with her friends, it didnt mean she was a tramp gallavanting around town. her mom tried to tell HER that her change probably hit him pretty hard too since she went from the little girl who would be interested in computer games and who helped him to build bookshelves and who would hold his hand grocery shopping to suddenly independent and opinionated. turned out she was not the daughter he imagined or wanted in fact. it was made perfectly clear the night of grade 8 graduation. and yes she did many things to intentionally piss him off and there were months of not speaking to eachother and she was by far not perfect (there was even that one HUGE mistake), but this was a blow that even she was not quite ready for and still has not recovered from.

he still doesnt trust me totally... he says he does but its apparent in everything that he does or says. it would be different if he just said hey i dont trust you..cause then we could at least deal with it. but he hides it and does things that just seem unreasonable. the relationship has never had a chance to fix itself..and by the way things look it probably never will. he loves me.. im pretty sure. and sometimes i know he tries really hard. but its just so much harder to appreciate these things when all the other stuff is... well like this.

i smell like pizza
i am finally settling into a routine...if you can call it that i guess. well its the closest thing to a routine that i have to establish yet. and i despite the fact that i need my life to be somewhat hectic and crazy all the time in order to not get bored, i still need that underlying routine to return to once i get tired; that i know will be there for me to crawl back too when i get scared. and no its not a routine in any sense of the word in a way because there is no schedule to be followed and i still dont know what i am doing a few hours from now...but i think i'm used to things around here now. im used to fighting for the laundry and know when i will most likely get it. i dont even get so frustrated with it any more. my long ass hell tuesdays dont even seem that bad anymore cause i have so many under my belt that that dont phase me. yes theyre still a pain but i know i can get through them cause i have. grocery shopping and going to the bank and liquor store seem more like normal activities instead of major inconviences. i have times set aside to just clean the mess that my room has accumulated that week or so.. so that i dont go crazy from the mess. things like that.. i dont know how to explain it exactly.. hmm.
petrina is coming.. not penta, not pete, not trina.. PETRINA is coming. lol :)

jeremiah was a bullfrog
i dont know whats healthy for me anymore. sometimes i want to scream and just kinda leave it in the corner to fester on its own for a while. sometimes i dont want to deal. sometimes i dont know if im just over reacting. but i hold it in...trying to not cause another petty fight...trying to keep things 'good'. but holding it in is never the answer in my head, but i worry that it may be building..building up .

on another note: i was watching this thing on the life network about doctors without borders. and it really made me want to be a doctor...and not just a doctor but a doctor in bolivia or angola or something. just watching those kids faces made me want to help and be there and travel by rusty truck or days by boat just to get to them so th they wont die. but another part of me knows i would die. it knows i would be the first one to break under the pressure. it knows i cant handle the conditions. sigh.