maybe i'm amazed
-sometimes it surprises me what he knows. after all these years of minimal communication and half-assed attempts at 'normalcy' (whatever that is), who would have thought that maybe he has me a little figured out afterall. it wasn't as though what he said completely shocked me or anything, because afterall, it was pretty dead on. but that fact that he noticed was weird to me because even though it's something pretty damn obvious, i just didn't think he cared to notice. and a part of me hates thats he noticed at all. leave it up to him to find yet another weakness of mine to wave in my face. hmm maybe then again, maybe it isn't such a surprise.
-i know i'm sounding like moo right now, but that paul mccartney song on the finale of the oc while everyone was dancing, being sung by that woman....just kinda spoke to me. not sure what it was about it, but there was something... haha watch, this will be the ONE song that didn't speak to vanessa.. haha 10% moment.
-so if any of you are out of town university students and want to get a job, just straight out lie about your university or say something about how youre transfering to a toronto school...cause really, finding a place that is willing to hire you just for the summer is a bitch.
-i got the second job....but i may lose it again cause of stupid large companies and their stupid computer scheduling system. geez i'll do the freakin scheduling for you.. working every other wednesday can't be that difficult of a concept. but i think it might be for the stupid computer.
-we're just so fricken busy... all of us. this will also take some getting used to. and even though i was supposed to see you lots this summer to make up for everything...i really dont think thats happening...well at least not as much as we both initally thought.
-i can't tell if im hungry or full anymore.. sigh. im soo messed up.

paper yard waste bags-two tough plies
so im back and i've already realized the half the things i have planned for summer are obviously not happening. for instance, i wanted to rearrange my room a bit, so that when i move out, im not leaving it in a total jumbled mess. my concept of cleaning was sometimes shoving things into the corner of the closet. i want to start getting rid of all the old magazines. really, when am i going to read a seventeen magazine from 1997 again? im sure those hot fashion finds will be great. i want to donate all those clothes from grade school that i am clearly not going to wear but just kept cause they still technically fit. i wanted to also get this ebay thing started up. and even though i am doing absolutly nothing now, the mound of boxes that occupy the corner of my basement looks just a little too overwhelming. if i could, i would just lounge all summer. damn this stupid job thing. oh i wish i didnt have to work. andmaybe yoyo is right. maybe this whole uncertain job situation i am in is getting me a bit down. i didnt realize it til he said it i guess. but yeah its not about going back to the office, its about knowing i may not have enough after the summer is over and done with. i am scared to check my bank account right now. i dont want to see the remnants of what remains after that first rent check goes through tomorrow.

rounding the corner
-there's just one more. and i think it's going to be harder than i anticipated. and hearing how everyone's last exams were the worst ones ever doesn't help
-HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEANETTE!!! although officially...im still older than you.
-selling textbooks is the greatest thing ever. even though you can only sell ...like two cause its hard to part with them at such a low price knwoing how much you spent on them initially. but money is money sometimes.

minor underwear shortage scare
came in to change after my morning shower and as I peered into the underwear drawer, I had a mild panic attack. Somehow the few pairs of underwear left didn't look like enough to last me the rest of my stay here even though I made sure last laundry day that there were. And with absolutely no money left on the ol' laundry card( in fact, I'm not even sure where I dumped it), I was thinking...Oh shit. But after a quick count, turns out I'm in the clear *phew*

who knew that something as simple as me looking at my fishies while they are sleeping like the sometimes five year old that I am could make you so happy. Everyone needs to feel that special.

the end is just getting closer. I get sad when I see the cars lined up in front of our rez with family members shoving in a year's worth of stuff into their family sedans with first years elated simply cause they're done school. Its not even getting out of here anymore, cause here is fine. I wouldn't mind staying another two weeks if there were only lectures and labs and whatnot. But because they're exams, and even though its only a week left, it just means so much more...the leaving and all.

so I am glad I'm staying the extra day even though I really don't have to. I found Dan, he's done and apparently not dead. Haven't seen him much since we ended first semester calc and decided on skipping psych for the rest of the year together. We've got a date when I'm done my last exam. Gonna roam around London and catch a movie or something and oh most importantly, I'm probably gonna get fed! real food too.. haha and I may sound obese but I really really miss real food (ie: potatoes not from a box and pasta sauce that actually contains something like meat, instead of just being red sauce) and maybe, just maybe I can convince him to come back and help me pack up my box. But then again, maybe I kinda want to do that alone, play India Arie (and other girls who are bitchy/inspired/womanly) and have some 'me' time...

I have never not understood something in my entire life so much. Apparently linear algebra is right up there with life's other mysteries...things like "the meaning of life". Some things will never fully make sense....ever.

morning of chem ramblings
im here eating my oatmeal and although i didnt fall asleep last night til about 2 just cause i couldnt sleep as always, i am surprisingly awake; not in the death to me, zombie state i was expecting as i rolled over and saw that 1:50 was displayed on the clockradio. can't say im really ready for this either, but i'm not totally scared of it, so i guess that's a good thing right? fed the fish their breakfast..well actually their breakfast, lunch and dinnner combined.. hmm getting fed once a day must suck..especially considering i feed myself like 10 times.. lol

another bede kid got shot.. looks like we're an endangered species...that or we're just that super ghetto

the vert
so its official...i don't have the job that would have made summer and the following year of paying rent soo easy, I wouldn't even have to think too much about budgeting. But maybe it was too easy. Although I was extremely upset, im over it now. a part of me knows that maybe it just wasn't the right time. every time I have really needed a job, I found one relatively easily. Yes it was hell trying to find that elusive first job, but i got it the day of my first interview..and at 7 an hour too.. then when i knew i wasn't going to be able to survive there much longer with school coming and all, Old Navy came. and when when the hours at the store were getting a little too much and too unpredictable for my OAC workload, the nice little two days a week office job came. So maybe my time at the office isn't done with. And a part of me is thinking that maybe i can finally get this waitressing job i've been thinking about since I was a kid (yes it was waitressing and anything having to deal with a cash register which were my main two 'teenage' jobs..lol) and I'll try and balance the whole two part time jobs thing. I don't even mind going back to a store...even if its the Gap cause they pay me pretty well there and plus discounts. we'll see...honestly i think I'll just throw myself at whoever takes me.

creatures
it was supposed to thunderstorm all day. the rain has yet to fall. everything smells muggy...like earthworms and humidity and soil sorta muggy. and in the hallway, this smell of muggy mixes with the smells of the boys across the hall and it makes a whole new, equally interesting and unpleasant odour. speaking of odours, our bathroom smells. it doesn't smell like anything i can pick out.. not pee or anything...just smells dingy i guess. i don't understand it, we just got cleaned. but in the back of my mind i always believed that we never really get 'cleaned' no matter what janitor walt does with his magic mops and cloths because we're always cleaned after the boys across the hall and well, as nice and fun as they are, theyre also boys..lol and yeah just thinking about that whole taking a bath in someone else's bathwater thing is making me creeped out.

thud
i am still amazed at how you always know the things to do or the right things to say when i really need you. that scene from scrubs hits me again...you know cause when you really need someone they're there without you even asking. a lot has changed since that awkward october weekend, but all the underlying, important things have remained the same. last night made me see a lot of things i couldn't or even maybe didn't let myself see, you know, just in case. but yes ladies, i think i've fallen.

swimming...but not literally
im smiling...
-because you called just to say goodluck
-because just when i thought you fell off the face of the earth, surprise email
-because TA buddies are still important
-because the first one wasn't the horrible mess i thought it might be
-because for once it didn't snow or rain today. and the sun is shining and it is BEAUTIFUL outside and because i think i can finally open up my window without freezing my ass off
-because people care enough to wake me up...just in case
-because i'm feeling sorta fat, but i really don't care
-because bio is hidden away now and wont be seen for a good little while...and soon i wont ever have to look at math or physics again.
-because i won a free granola bar.. lol

while i was awake in the middle of the night last night, i thought of something really interesting that i wanted to post. it's forgotten now. i don't even know for sure if it was interesting at all in fact, but at the time it was genius. does my mind just work more creatively in the middle of the night like that or do things just seem better cause im just out of it? hmm and so this post was pointless and not only have i bored you with my ramblings, youre all mad cause this was a tease of a post. admit it.

liquid
so the last week of classes were really not a week of classes at all cause I skipped almost all of them to go home, mainly to see the boy. and yes, even though it was nice seeing you girlies, it's different with the boy...I dont know why or how but it just was. I know I am backwards and came back just when everyone is leaving for the long weekend, but I guess I am just odd like that and I also needed to study, and really, none of this studying could have been done earlier than that block of time that is considered cramming, so I might as well have left while I could. I also went to give out a few resumes...although I help back at some of the places that I originally was thinking of applying. I just really have a bad feeling about this social services job. Enough of a bad feeling to make me dig up that stupid resume and cover letter file again and update it for the different places. And I also think I've come to terms with the fact that I might be stuck at the ortho office again...but I'll deal and really, a part of me still thinks that things happen for a reason. And although I still do have control over my own destiny for the mostpart, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow.

Also thinking about how although it is nice to have the suite to ourselves (ourselves being me and jaxs), it is ruined by the fact that we are stuck in our own little boxes forcing ourselves to study.. ewww.

the jellow shooters are calling me. J-E-L-L-O

staring blankly
I've been watching the fish; and for two little shiny orange, snake skin-like (yes I've touched them), bugged eyed, wiggly nuggets of creatures, they are quite amusing. it's like they knew they had to be weird for me to like them. one sleeps constantly at the surface of the water, with his fins all droopy and plays dead. he also sleeps vertical just floating there, and face down in the rocks. he's great. sometimes i think they swim a little drunk. maybe it's the london water. algae is starting to grow on the plant. there's a lot of fishshit, now that i look at it. hmm i guess i should go clean that right? lesson for the day: when there seems to be more shit on the bottom of the bowl than rocks, it's a clear indication that maybe, just maybe you should change the water. oh and second lesson for the day: using a turkey baster to clean out a fishbowl is genius...pure genius.

goldfish flakes
i can't wait to have mismatched dishes like friends circa 1994, before they had money for anything and a cutlery set that leaves soemthing to be desired. i can't wait for nights of eating crackers for dinner because i was just too damn lazy to cook. i can't wait to sit down at an actual kitchen table and have a 'family' dinner for the first time in who knows when. i'm looking forward to the nights of coming home late from that part time job just so i can afford water. i wanna decorate my room and make it mine. i wanna have our tests that we horribly failed, hung up proudly on the fridge with my ikea magnets. i wanna go through the fridge every once in a while with everyone and scream at the things that have turned furry and green and have started to make its own gasses. i wanna be forced to learn how to fix a leaky pipe, a sweaty toilet, or how to rewire the house.. lol. it's the part of getting older that i have been picturing in my head since i was little. and yes some things may suck, but its just one of those things i think people should have to deal with at one point or another. a part of growing up. shit adds character.

and sometimes i wonder.. where's mine

PUCCA'D
it is rainy outside. it is almost 9 o clock. i want to crawl back into bed with sting ray.

BUT i did get pucca'd today.. which kinda scared me at first in a "what the hell is this and when did it happen" sorta way. i assumed it was jackie, i just didnt know how she could have done it without me noticing last night. i then remembered how i just came back from the shower.. oh jackie. but it was very entertaining. they were abosolutly everywhere!

summersaults
i've come to 'see' more and more the degredation of some of these highschool friendships. not that anything happens directly, but you start to recognize who is there for the long haul and who is there just because. there are no longer numerous conversations and so the infrequent ones are the ones that you judge everything on. despite the fact that you and i are supposed to be friends, you only talk to me when you want to know something specific about my life. maybe this has been the case all along but i saw you on too much of a regular basis to notice. you only start the conversations when you've read or heard something and want the story from me. honestly, if you cared that much, you would have kept up all along. i think i've had enough.

at least have the decency to tell me what you really think. if you're going to use me to satisfy your need for gossip then at least respect me that much.

tumbling over
today was the first day this semester that i clocked in all 8 hours of my 10-9 hell tuesday. the last one of its kind too. phew. tuesday and tuesday alone hs made me realize the importance of good scheduling. and i vow to not screw up next year's like those stupid academic counsellor people screwed me over this year. honestly now, night labs are bullshit. but i guess my brain does work better then as opposed to 9 am. oh how lazy i have gotten.
this past weekend at home was amazing and it gave me a little taste of summer. i needed the surprise visits, the laid back days of no plans and impromtu eating and shopping, giggles with my girlies, and some time with the boy.
it is true, we are growing up fast. remember when we would talk about who we would move in with, who would be in our wedding party as bridesmaids, where we are going to move once out of university and so forth? its weird now because now its just not talk; pretty soon people are moving and paying rent...and in a few years, we might get an invitation to a wedding or find out someone is living in budapest. it's all becoming real now. makes me wanna just stand back for a second and look....figure out how i got here.

putting in contacts
just when i think im spending the whole day at home trying to do some much needed homework, its nice to get a phone call from someone who is kidnapping (well more like rescuing) me from my work. and then after only getting ten minutes to get ready and doing the best i could considering i was in pajamas and all home-y, coming out feeling gross to someone with a big smile on their face telling me im beautiful. makes me want to not be so far away even more.

whale noises
-and we dealt with it like adults. and i know this may be cliche of me to say but sometimes i really do think things happen for a reason. we're both figuring things out and i think i like it, even though its a bumpy road we travel on.
-i didnt try out for soph like i was supposed to but i really dont want it that badly and really 60 people out of 280? why am i bothering wasting those 5 hours of my life?
-last chem lab today..no more chem lab partner who i want to hit upside the head after every second word she says.
-im gonna be really busy the next few weeks just because tests seem to be a common theme...and i have no motivation to care.
-i really really really want this job. the money would be so great right now. if only i had any indication of how many people are taking this "test".
-hmm you know how were having brunch on sunday...how about hardcore chinatown dimsum anyone? haha ive been having cravings for those shrimp dumpling things.

i swear the air is funny here
i should be downstairs working out. but instead i sit here...blobby

things your mom never told you
there are just some things that you do even though a girl says "its okay". i never thought i would be one of those girls that says one thing and really hopes for another, but turns out i am... i think we all have done it at one point. .. i know it sucks, but it comes with the territory.
sometimes i feel guilty for feeling disappointed...and only because the things i seem to be disappointed about to me re petty and stupid. its not often that i feel this way, just creeps up on me every once in a while. really, a relationship shouldnt be based on things like these anyways. i just wonder sometimes if i was expecting too much or perhaps there is more out there that actually fulfills this "need" i seem to have... i'm not one of those people who are into celebrating monthly aniversaries....i dont need these things.. and i really dont think i want to celebrate so much...it's like we're comfortable with eachother already.. a little too comfortable. i see others sometimes and i know i shouldn't compare, but i do... i can't help it. sometimes it feels as though i've missed out on something. not something essential, but something nonetheless.
there are some things i will never ask you to do for me, but will always hope will be done. to tell you the truth, i thought some of these things would have been accomplished by now (hmm accomplished being the wrong word to use but i cant think of any other rightnow)... and really how can i expect people to read my mind right? its just nice to have things done without having to tell someone. because it's not the same when i know you did it cause i told you so. i go through such highs and lows with you... i think too much sometimes, letting my brain do all that wandering isnt so good...i wish you would think less sometimes, being so rational isnt always what's best. it merely leads to a lot of "i would have"s and "i was going to"s.
im still waiting... and wondering.

anywhere but here
i want to live someone else's life for a while, not that mine is all that bad, i think i just need a change. im bored of it all already...its becoming too routine. i'm sitting on my lazy ass with no motivation to do anything...what have i done this past week?
i have to stop skipping so many classes...its at a point where its not even just going to them thats the pain, i just dont want to be there at all. i went to class today to pick up my midterm and any other normal human being would have just stayed for the lecture since i was already there, but i left just because i really did not want to sit through another algebra lecture THAT much and so i walked right back home. soo lazy...must get motivated..
i'm feeling a little too insecure right now...not about anything specific..just things in general. i hate feeling insecure. make it go away...

i just wanted to say thank you...
i know things haven't always worked out with us, but the fact that i can't wipe this smile off my face still must count for something.

i swore she said a cat
i never really understood it when people had to drink to just get their mind out of a certain situation..but i think i finally get it. i dunno there was just something and i had to get something down so i could not be so bothered by it you know?
i dont like it when people depend too much on me. im not saying i wont do things for you, but its when they in a way expect it constantly because you are incapable of taking care of yourself. if you find a hair in your food, why are you giving it to me to take back? really, youre a big 20 year old now. if you dont know what the name of a drink is and youre standing RIGHT next to me at the bar, why are you asking me to ask the bartender what it is? its things like that. i was so damned annoyed and yes i feel bad and yes i was being super bitchy and even when asked to get them drinks i was like hell no, when normally it would have been no big deal... i must have seemed like the biggest alcoholic bitch....but im sure youre not like that with her. with her youre chivalrous and kind and you go out of your way to do things so i know youre not just a spineless good for nothing, but sometimes with me, i just wanna smack you and tell you to grow up.

all in all it was a good night! happy st. patricks day.

collecting trinkets along the sand
-whenever we talk about the future, we seem to make sure we tell ourselves that it might not get to that point. i think im comfortable with it that way. like yeah i can see it but on the otherhand, i don't expect it to happen you know what i mean? a part of me feels as though i have gained so much, and other part of me feels as though im missing out on something. what? i dont know. but its true three years is a loong time. who knows. if we do actually make it through..wow that would be something alright.
-sometimes people dont meet your expectations. maybe your expectations were too high. i dunno i guess the picture was just a little different in my head. but if anything, things make a lot more sense now....things fit better in my head.
-im still trying to decide if i want to do this soph thing... as fun as it sounds next year, it has its crappy parts this year. come up with a cheer on the spot? im really not cool with doing that. and then to deal with freshmans who think their too cool to join along? hmm maybe ill just feed them alcohol and candy.. my group will be the peppiest.
-apprently according to cosmo, a lot of people have third nipple and dont know it because it looks like a freckle. needless to say after reading that, i did a mental scan of my body. hmm do you think the one on my arm counts? lol
-schools just one big, complicated countdown now. merely a tally of all the tutorial sessions, labs and lectures i have to go to.
-i think my roomate is a closet racist..so closet she doesnt even know herself.. its always the black people who she points at and goes.. he bothers me, but i dont know why.
-Happy St. Patricks Day! date with linds at the pub for lunch and then out with who knows who.

a slice if the T.O.
the brian and matty show proved to be quite entertaining. oh man i wish you guys were all here. i am actually looking forward to having these two around all the time..they are great.
jaxs, i and the roomies brought them to the drink, one of london's sketchy little nightclubs. but its sooo western so we had to bring them you know? but watching them dance and falling cause of their drunkeness and seeing them do things that they dont remember or in fact regret after they sobered up was hilarious. oh matty...brian tried to warn you.. lol

on the phone
you know someone is a keeper when they sit in their house for about two hours describing each page of the yearbook to you over the phone just because youre sad that you can't get yours til april. it was great fun.

Yes!
and i am one more step closer to that full time summer job! score!

crossing my fingers
i really don't want to jinx it, but i really, really, REALLY hope its sitting there waiting for me.

monster
i was rereading a few of my blog entries from 2001 out of complete boredom and i stumbled upon a long one written around christmas time. it was about how i was missing out on christmas because i didnt get to go to montreal that year. and it was kinda funny in my head how although so many things have changed, that's the one thing that has remained the same-the screwed-upness of my family. i would have thought those two would have gotten a divorce my now. i would have thought that i would have cracked by now, gotten put into one of those white jackets and lead into an institution where i make friends with angelina jolie. i would have thought that all those threats i heard a little too often as a child would have actually materialized into something. i've always wondered if it was more beneficial for my brother and i to live as we do than if they had gotten an actual divorce. they might as well have been, the house is practically divided into two sides and although unsaid, there has always been two sets of rules, depending on who was home or in view at the time. amazing what little kids learn to pick up on on their own. and its always bothered me that they're relationship was harming my future ones. that because of them i wouldnt know how to communicate, to compromise, to show love. i was scared of the whole family life and the fact that these things tend to continue through the generations didnt help. in that post i wrote "do i want to procreate and spread the garbage around?" and i still somtimes wonder. i wonder where im gonna screw up, where all those things ive tried so hard not to affect me is suddenly gonna come rushing back. i had to work at not being afraid; work at not running away from things because im scared to get in too deep. i had to work hard at not cringing everytime something was said not pertaining to the near future. ive had to work on a lot of things. lets just hope it wasnt for nothing. i hate feeling fragile.

making hot cocoa
and with the passing of those three exams, a new sense of ease has rushed over me. i'm just waiting this year out. only about a month more of lectures and labs and tutorials. now its just the regular routine of labs and tests and whatnot til april.

it is one thing to be 50 year old man with a pony tail down to the small of your back its another thing when youre a balding 50 year old man with a pony tail down to the small of your back. more hair length doesnt not make up for lack of it on top. kind of like dharma's dad on dharma and greg...soemthing fincklestein. but this prof's was longer.

i have decided to spend 10 bucks to photocopy this linear algebra solutions manual and shit this 50 something dollar book back to amazon.ca. i am seriously not paying 50 something dollars for a book im using for a month and a half for a course i will never in life need again.

i need to clean my room. its still disgusting from the studying and from the not caring about anything else that comes witht he studying. shit is strewn everywhere. and i cant find anything i need cause its been thrown in a corner somewhere after i used it last.

i feel kinda restless... i wanna come over to play. but right now that's simply a little too far. even for an ang adventure.

you try not to get yourself disappointed.
you tell yourself to not get your hopes up.
you make sure that in your head you know it may not happen.
you try and convince yourself that the option wasn't even there in the first place.
but that sinking feeling is always there.
no matter what

and everybody was kung-fu fighting
i came back with a cold. seems like reading week wore me out more than school does...lol
i've been styding like a machine. three exams this weekend. bio, psych, and linear algebra are swimming in the goo that is my brain right now. oh man i can't fit it all in...this is going to be something, but i will be uber proud if i do manage to pull this off.

today we were talking about someone who basically has it made right now...doesnt have to worry about paying for school (its been saved up for them for years now), has a well paying job, doesnt have a crazy parent bearing down on them or restricting them....basically as free as a bird, except for a bit of nagging once in a while. i just thought that if i hd a well paying job and didnt have to worry about money, i would try and get my ass outta my house instead of spending it on some thousand something dollar gadget. i know material things arent everything, but why can't you be even a bit happy with your life? youre not in a sitution where youre working your ass off, only to find out you cant make tuition...youre not in a sitution where your parents are jail wardens condemning you to a life of hermitcy (is that even word?). you don't even have to worry about waking up early to take the ttc, or cooking for yourself or even doing your own laundry im sure. i dont understand and i guess if not having all those things in my life is a tradeoff for me being relatively happy with everything right now, than i guess its a tradeoff i'm good with. i just dont understand how you work sometimes...cant appreciate anything.

you dont understand how great only a month more of school sounds right now. yeah im not counting exams, because they don't count. i just dont want to get up for lectures and go to three hour labs and juggle the seemingly unending slew of tests. and spring is here..birds are chirping when i get up and the sun is shining and yes i choose to ignore the fact that now that it has stopped snowing, the continual rain we had in the fall before the snow will come back once again.

at the finish line
as expected, i did only a fraction of the work i had convinced myself i would do over this break...and i might be in trouble because of it. we'll see by next weekend i guess when the three exams hit all at once. seeing everyone thursday night was great. drinks, friends, mardi gras beads..what more could a girl ask for? it was a new experience dancing with the boy cause ive never really done it before..well at least with a boy i wanted to dance with (eww sasquatch). too bad he's not around more often its different when you actually have someone there you know and not just the friends around you. all the things i am discovering now that i should have been experiencing years ago.
i got to see mostly everyone i wanted to even if it was just for a little while. from just lounging around eating chinese food and cake with amanda to sitting on a couch watching tlc with yoyo to seeing everyone eat a gross amount of wings to trying to bowl to last minute sleepovers to last night in town dinners to drunken nights to running around the halls of mary ward again to dinner with mommy to just sitting there staring at you...im greatful for every moment of it. and now i must go because i have somehow become disgustingly sick and i know its like a quarter to ten but im going to get ready for bed.

at odds
i feel as though i'm losing you. and a part of me feels helpless so i just watch. you seem to be spending a lot of time with her. but i want you alone and i know that may be a stupid thing to want, but i do. and it seems as though the whole week is planned and i dont want to spoil anything. but its hard to slip my way into things now. and i know its not like ive made the best efforts, but i dont wanna do some things and others...well it doesnt seem like im included anymore in things and yeah so i go somewhere else. its hard cause im stuck at home. its hard cause i dont want to ask certain people for certain things. it's hard cause no one stays put. it hard cause dammit i suck at this juggling thing. i dont even care that youre annoyed with him..cause right now i think youre annoyed at me.

its friday finally...
i wish i could care more.. but i really dont. i've missed three weeks of psych. and i should be studying like mad for this chemistry exam but ive given up. my head was on its own extended reading week a long time ago.

i hate that im so insecure with myself sometimes. i hate that every little thing turns into something big in my head...and knowing him he probably doesnt care. yes i am one of those stupid girls in the end..and i hate how everytime somethign little happens i just get more insecure.

changing the world 101
things i have noticed about university and would like to put an end to...
-office furniture moonlighting as home furniture: wooden armrests SUCK. apparently nothing not semi flame-retardent is allowed in rez. this means no sofa or love seat, no nothing you can take a nap on and not wake up needing a chiropractor basically.
-small cereal bowls for big university students: its quite a sight to see boys eating breakfast with 5 minature bowls in front of them full of cereal. the caf should know not to serve cereal in dishes that should really be used for dipping sauces.
-people dropping shit on the floor above you: when you're half asleep and your room is all dark and quiet it sounds as though the world is coming to an end and the building is going to implode on you.
-everything costing money: im poor..i want stuff... i want more free shit.
-doing laundry: i cant even begin to narrow down what exactly sucks about it but for somethign this basic in life, it takes too damn long and needs too much damn effort. it was once so easy.

i think thats all.. for now.

only several miles from the sun
this weekend consisted mainly of sitting on my ass in various positions (sometimes even lying down too) next to lindsay in front of the tv. superstation movie weekend...did we need a better excuse? needlesstosay all of the planned "work" that was supposed to be done, wasn't. now i have to pull myself from this lazy mindframe to finish this week off.
i can see the end of this week. you don't understand how i NEED this reading week. unfortunatly i will actually be doing some reason. grrr. but yeah stil a break nonetheless. a break from walking to school in hurricane-force winds and snow blowing in your face...a break from caf food, a break from my box.

11:16 am
i have managed to get my hair into a half decent ponytail. one where there aren't any chunks falling out of the elastic every time i move my head in either direction. it's some form of confirmation that it's growing. i feel like playing dress up. putting on clothes that aren't "me". i wanna feel that way you feel when you're 5 and clip-cloping around in your mom heel's, wearing one of her skirts pulled all the way up to your armpits because to you its a dress and with your play jewelery adorning every square inch of your body. for those moments you felt old, and chic, womanly, and important. you felt different. i love "me" but i still like the rush of exploring and finding who this "me" is. i wish it were as easy as dress up..lol

ladybug
there is a smile plastered on my face...
this feeling is all new and funny but i like it.

i am super-impressed. goodnight.

oreo cookies
i have hit that point where all i feel is that i have outgrown this relationship. that somewhere my maturity level took that one step towards a totally different direction, while yours just stayed back. i'm not saying i'm better or even that im at all mature-because im not. but we're just not on the same level anymore...maybe not even on the same route. your problems seem so petty to me. problems that really should not be problems. you blow things out of proportion. you exaggerate everything you say. it has come to point where i refuse to believe that that was how a certain situation occured because ive heard you retelling stories that i've been involved in, and i know the little things you add in to make your story that much better. i dont know if you consciously do this or whether this is what naturally happens in you head, but i think they are both a little messed up either way. i know we all have those times when it seems as though the little things are huge...but this is how you live your life, its not a once-in-a-while occurance and i cant deal with it all the time.

on a related note (kinda). ive decided that i am good with where i am now. and yes there are things i would change if it was a perfect world, but its not and im not. so yeah im just gonna bask in the present goodness. i think i have to learn how to just live in the now you know?

and the best part was when seth got hit upside the head
i know its just a tv show and it probably rots your insides away and melts your IQ down to nothing for a good 50 minutes but i am seriously addicted to this show like i have never been addicted to a show before... except for gilmore girls, before it started to suck. i mean so much drama...thats how life should be.. the drama in the box not outside it.. lol
oh fictional character seth how i do enjoy you.

fire from the dragon
so apparently i have my hopes up too high. the thing is, they weren't even high at all. i'll keep that in mind...thank you.

never quite there
it bugs me that it's still on my mind; that i haven't been able to shake it off. i hate it when there's something that you really shouldn't be thinking about, but you just can't help it. it preoccupies my time. it takes me away from people, from homework, from my own damn sanity. i can't seem to let things go. time to stop over-analysing ang...time to shut your brain up.

...from dean
i know how you feel but sometimes i think that maybe you shouldn't push it. i dont want anything done that isn't done just cause. i dont wanna keep on wondering where the ideas came from or even where the motivation came from. i figure if its gonna suck, then at least it sucks and i have reason you know? a part of me doesn't want people like you making things right because i know this is mean but i think they need to sweat...feel a little insecure when they actually realize ..or IF they actually realize. its okay leave it.. put it in a bubble and let it free.

scratching myself
-feeling a little better...about everything right now.
-i don't need you to whisk me away to exotic places, but sometimes i wish you would just whisk me away somewhere. even if it means to the corner store for popsicles.
-bitching about the suitemate in secret is kinda fun. hey if it stops me from throwing her stupid green plates at her head and making her eat her coke cans, how can it not be good right?
-we're not allowed pets here. but i hve nowhere to put the fish once i leave for reading week. do you think my resident advisor would mind taking care of my "inanimate objects" while i'm away?
-i think i am slowly getting a beer belly. soo not attractive. but yes i can drink those stupid things now. damn them and their cheapness luring me in and forcing me to make myself like them.
-i think that is it for now. i enjoy these lists. they get out what's in head with minimal effort. exactly what i need right now.

moo, storylines are opening up...and jesse is back.

modulation
the physics isn't looking so bad anymore. i don't curse at it or stare at it blankly wishing it would just go away as much as i used to. i think because i've realized that this course from hell has a purpose now. or maybe because algebra is giving me such a hard time, physics is nothing in comparison.
i think now that i've finally decided (actually maybe decided is too strong of a word) what im doing with myself and to tell you the truth i am a little excited. these courses just sudeenly got better once that goal came into sight i guess and a part of me knows its all gonna be over with soon. no more math or physics for me ever. just have to get through my clump of three midterms (friday night, saturday afternoon, saturday night) after reading week and i think i shouldnt be too bad. i must make myself try harder next year. they only let in 25 people for my program in 4th year. yikes.

PUNK'D....by a fish
so jackie walks into my room and we chat and then she goes "uh ang is your fish dead?" i turn around ready to tell her that they're probably just sleeping because they have done that...just floated around still. so i finish my pivot and sushi, the little fish is floating at the top not moving, and neither is ketchup. ketchup then starts to move, but sushi is still up at the top, motionless... i begin to freak. telling jaxs to wake them up. but to me, sushi is dead cause i have never seen him that still before, they;ve always woken up once i started to move or make noise again..and they've never slept up at the top like that. so im freakin outon my chair for a good minute. then sushi wakes up. oh man. i thought i would be able to just flush them..but judging from that freak out guess not.

how'd you like to be alone and drowning?
what everyone needs in life is that friend who's willing to risk everything just to tell you something that she thinks you should know. and i'm glad we are good enough that things like that can be said and let out and still be fine between us. i know you were only concerned and yes i do see it too. there will be no risk of me being one of those chicks that land themselves on the montel williams show spewing out profanity laden insults to the people who care about her most. i appreciate that you could get yourself to tell me tht cause it was honest and i know youre only looking out for me. its nice to know that you're there..seriously. because if i do go stupid, hopefully you'll tell me...just like we always said we would.

celery and carrot sticks
i almost forgot how great jacsen and i are. there's no one else that i can be a four year old with quite like him. from confusing the hell outta cris with our made up ghetto term to both simutaneously yelling out that dom delouise was the ugliest guy on earth..to poking fights which leave him with a booboo on his finger that he bandages and pretends as though it was an injury from my maiming of him. haha "ang tried to cut off my finger i swear". seeing jacsen dance up on guys just to get them away from us is great.. lol too bad he wasn't there the night sasquatch came out to play.


i know this is pretty evil and petty but i enjoy thinking up bad things to do to one of my suitemates. shes mute and not all that bad really. but she never washes the dishes or takes out the trash or does the recycling, which is 75% composed of her stupid coke cans/bottles. i mean its not even like you bothered to bring your own pot or pn fully knowing you were living suitestyle...she brings two dishes a cup and a cutlery set...and shes uses all our shit and doesn't wash them. the dishes we normally let pile up anyways. but its fucking annoying when i go to make soup with MY pot and i find it in the sink cause she used it and didnt wash it. and is it my fault she goes home every weekend? im not the one who told her to keep her job at home and i know for fact she doesnt work every weekend while shes there, and so its not my fault that we don't totally meld. you choose to be mute. and how many times have you been watching tv while ive been studying? screaming at your stupid scary movies. its not my damn fault you cant study with noise. get used to it, its a fuckin rez.

superbowl party downstairs tonight. im gonna learn about this football thing they like so much here once and for all. or maybe ill just go downstairs for the free food and come upstairs to do all the homework i was supposed to do this weekend like a good little girl.

procrastinating
here I am supposedly studying for physics. I mean I skipped all my classes today to study. But instead I am thinking of everything else I could be doing with my time. I am not at all freaked out this exam. I think I've stopped caring. Either that or I have some dillusions on how much I actually know....cause if my quizzes have been any indication..well it's not much. I think I'm gonna go grocery shopping now. I know,but I want chicken nuggets this weekend and I'm uber busy.

ch-ch-ch-changes
what is that fine line that separates what should be expected from expecting too much? I don't think I cross it, but sometimes the reactions of people make me stop in my tracks, look around, and take a few steps back. Is it really that much to ask? I know it's never coming and I'm adding it to the pile of things i never expect to see or hear about again. And I often wonder, is it healthy to be doing this? To be let down and just accepting it? It's done mostly because I don't know... maybe I am asking for too much. But tonight, I don't know...it just didn't seem like a big thing, but the way you at first refused, and then the way you replied; I knew I should just forget about it.

I remembered today in conversation, you said it was "okay". and I know this may not make sense because its totally out of context, but you know what? it wasn't there for you to be okay with. I told you it was kinda important and if anything I should be the one saying "its okay". in my head I think you're a little relieved that its not happening. sometimes you are so dense and i dont even think i mind it as much anymore...but I think what really got me thinking was the fact that I actually had something planned for you.

sometimes i need you here cause youre the only one that understands.. ugh!

they are up-ing the minimum wage, which is very good for a girl on the job hunt.

i don't want to read textbooks anymore. I don't want to learn about things that I technically already know, but are made exponentially harder. It's bad enough that I don't get to read books I really want, but I don't even have a slight interest in these anymore.

I've been floating around here like it's all a dream. I dunno everything just seems so unreal as of late. I've been feeling the dream-like quality of things in the weirdest of places... like i'll be standing in the shower or watching tv in the livingroom and just have a WOAH moment. It's weird.

Tomorrow its the start of the exams.. sigh. first batter up is physics.

keyboard grit
sometimes you are thrown off guard even when the outcome is one that you expect. there is a first time for everything i guess you can say and last night was one of those; where i just kinda sat and didn't know what to do. i fought the urge to run away and yeah eventually it got dealt with. i need that shove in the right direction a lot of the times to get me going. i was so scared. you know how i think that things happen for a reason? well last night, i think it made me realize something. cause lately i've been having doubts about everything and well despite how crappy things got, it was better in the end. so im not saying i'm glad it happened cause it was still interesting..but it did make me open my eyes a little and figure out what was going on.
summary: yes i do feel different and in a good way...i think i just needed to have that reaffirmed.

purple doors
i know you shouldn't have to fight for me, but sometimes i think that because you don't you may just lose me. kinda like how if youre the little runt, you better learn to fight hard for your food otherwise you're not getting any of it. it's not my fault there are other things. im not going to say no to a definite for a maybe. i just want you to take charge sometimes.. tell me where to go what to do.. not in that way but you understand. sometimes my head hurts from the thinking.
and sometimes i don't know...i really don't.

strengthen, lengthen, and tone
this morning linz and i couldn't tell whether snow was actually falling or if it just looked like it was snowing from all the snow being blown off the building tops. turns out it was BOTH. honestly, if it's not continual rain, its continual snow. living in a snowbelt sucks. however it was great seeing tall and lanky jeff almost get blown off the sidewalk like a leaf from the winds and then proceed to make fun of himself for it. i may short and round..haha but i'm like a ROCK baby.

these fish are a clear indication of what type of a mother i will become if that ever happens. yes i may do things that are stupid like do a complete water change cause i cant figure out any other way to get out the crap sitting under the rocks, or put my fish in dixie cups while im changing their water, or make their new water from a combination of boiled water and refrigerated brita water (hot plus cold duh! because our tap water comes out white), but i do them cause in my head these things aren't going to kill them. (when in actuality, they might). i'm not doing them knowing that hey its gonna hurt them; im doing them because i think that they can just deal...i guess tht just amounts to negligence huh? so i think my fish are slowly dying and i just dont realize. oh man im gonna be one of those mothers that let their children put their hands in electrical sockets just because i know the mild shock wont kill them and that they'll learn the lesson themselves..lol (hmm is it a mild shock?)

i feel like twirling... twirling down the hall, twirling in the ucc. haha i dont know why but i do.

the search for the eskimo boots ended. well technically i gave up. london sucks. im gonna go check in toronto maybe if i have the time. some were a little too eskimo.. yuck. and some were cute and half off but yeah me and my stupid calves.

the space between
sometimes you do something and at the moment you feel stupid and insecure about everything but something within you just makes you do it despite your better judgement. i don't know exactly what happened and quite frankly the memory of it is quite blurry right now. i guess there was something...some part of me that just needed to say it, needed to get it out because i've been thinking about it for a while. i guess it's just never been in me told hold something like that in for too long. sometimes i take a look back and wonder if its all affecting me already, and in more ways that i realize. and maybe i just don't want to think about it anymore. and its true, i think too much for my own good sometimes. but i can't help it i swear.

turning
when people try to do something for you for your own good, its best to not fight it and just accept and give into whatever it is, because when you realize why, you see that maybe you gave them a little more credit than they deserved.

highlighter
-the blog got a little makeover today. i still can't find where to change the colour code for the words on the side br, but im starting to like the orange.
-the roomies found a house too today, we're neighbours. tomorrow, the girls, yes all four, of suite 325 will no longer be homeless...and will instead be owing a LOT of money to this london property corporation.
-algebra should not have a lab component; especially when this lab component involved me typing out cryptic codes onto a computer and making it do things. does anyone else know what sqrt(A)^2 is supposed to mean? it actually is a command to maipulate a matrix of some sort. it felt like i was taking a course in computer programming.
-i think im coming home the weekend of the 23rd. probably.
-so i decide to be somewhat responsible and tell my dad that i got place and am signing the lease. instead of being happy, he goes into rant asking if there is a "sub lease". he asks, well if one of your roomates decides to run off what are you going to do? and i replied.. um its jackie and jeff, i know their parents, i'll go to them for the money. he apparently didn't find this very amusing. just the way he was like well i did my part, if anything happens down the line, you cant say i didn't try to tell you. it makes me wonder why i try sometimes.
-out this weekend with jess maybe? we're trying a new place-the martini lounge.. lol sounds exciting.
-my hair feels long...must resist the urge to cut it.

there are times when you frustrate me to no end or make me upset...and you dont even know it.


then there are times it scares me how much i miss you.

grilled cheese
i can't quite put my finger on what i've been feeling these past few days. but i can't say it has been good. it's been a mixture of insecurity, annoyance, fear, and well all other things negative i guess. i'm working my way through things, trying to not let them affect me. and even though people ask, i dont want to share because a part of me thinks that i am being petty, stupid, and over-sensitive about certain things.
i think with the incoming of the constant snow that proves we are in a snowbelt, the magical feeling i held for this campus made an exit. its not that i dont like it here, i really do- but campus no longer makes me feel the same or makes me smile inside the way it used to. perhaps the copious amounts of slush have put a damper on things since it is nothing but wet and cold all the time (there is afterall only so much snow-in-your-face one girl can take) and everything now seems so routine and familliar. i'm waiting for spring to come.
i thought about it today. REALLY thought about it. and for a while it felt okay to go through with it. it was the weirdest feeling knowing that i would let myself do that. it was the weirdest feeling thinking that i would be okay after it, when i know i wouldnt be. maybe its from everything people have been telling me. what they dont know is that it would so much more affected than even i would know. but yeah, i really did think about it, to a point where i was going over the scenario in my head and i saw it come to life.

inside my head and in my space
-so the lease is getting signed tomorrw, 430. oh man. haha its great seeing how giggly jeff and i got. to the point where we drew up the floor plan and started looking at the prices of double vs twin beds.
- i didnt realize this, but man he's mute in a way too. i thought he would be there to back me up but once again i was singing lead with two mute backups when i really didn't want to.
-when she suggested that maybe i should ask, i wanted to drop kick her in the face.. i know i wouldnt have made it, but oh man i would have been willing to dive and fall on my face trying. what the hell-how can you ask a 19 year old who doesn't know what the hell she's doing over grown ups and her own grown son.
-i have started a new workout thing. well i've been once, but im looking into making it routine. bi-weekly at least maybe even tri-weekly. ooh im excited. and i figure even if i try and fail and give up, its still more hours of exercise than i would have done right? ooh feel that blubber melt..lol
-realizations are sometimes fun..even when they are about things that frustrate you, but only when there are people to laugh at the stupidness with you.
-being unmotivated and just sitting there being blobby isn't sexy.
-i keep on forgetting to tell my father about my house
-i ordered cheques-real ones with my name and address already printed on them. no more perforated-edge cheques with 4 blank lines for you to write in your name and address for me anymore.
-i am getting no work done as usual BUT i did better on my tests this week AND i actually liked my chem lab.
-sometimes i'm just too sensitive to things
-so maybe this getting my period on a regular basis isn't all its cracked up to be. every 28 days (21 really, cause by the time you finish it) is sooo often! oh man. its like i JUST had it.
-i had HIVES on my arm the other day.. i dont know from what.. all i kept on thinking was maybe its from the alcohol last night. but if it was really from that, it would have appeared sooner than the night after right? i dunno. but i dont have an antihistamine here. and by the way theyre gone now..and im not tht sure they were hives either.
-first purchase for my new house: a frivilous new vase for my fake fuschia gerberas.
-going to try and finish my book now. turrah

shocked
you know you are more like on of those stupid girls than you thought when you start to think certain people are saying goodnight in the wrong way. i know it means nothing and i tell myself that, but a part of me still was a little let down. i think the syndrome may be kicking in. i refuse to let it take me.

here, we'll flip a coin or something
the struggles are over, even though it hasn't been very long. but yes, its pretty good for what we're paying but needless to say, i will need one nice job this summer. but i think it is do-able, especially if i am working part time next year. oh man. but yes the lease will be signed eventually, once jaxs' parents have a look at it and once we find some time that fits all of our schedules. we showed jeff the place we liked and two hours later when we were ready to look at it a final time before we decided between that one and another, it had already been taken. LESS THAN TWO HOURS. luckily there was a comparable unit across the street. phew

excited and feelin kinda old.. teehee.. now if i can only figure out what this guarantor person is..lol

my list of realizations:
-that i like hats. and even though the whole toque (sp?) thing is lost on me, other hats, if i can find them are great and fun and playful...and great at clubs.
-that i like the fact that when boys hit on me and ask me for my number, statements like, "i dont think my boyfriend would appreciate that" are no longer just lies. and i say this with an inner smile, even when they are sorta cute. and i think im proud of myself for that.
-that really, at a dollar a cup, albeit a small cup, it doesn't matter that beer doesn't taste that great. its a DOLLAR per cup. and im a cheap drunk so really i'm even CHEAPER (monetary wise) now.
-feta cheese on pizza is the greatest thing in the world.
-my tendency to attract the grossest guys in the world still holds true, even when i thought it was over...this reaffirmed by the sasquatch-like thing that was dancing with me last night. surprisingly my nemesis saved me. hah nemesis.
-i'm glad that i'm not like someone right now...who is in a very awkward position. i guess all the trying that i did earlier on helped..and i cant say that i dont wanna go "i told you so".
-cris is great for conversationing...if thats even a word.
-even though i sometimes get these pangs of "oh man i wish so or so was here" i like the fact that i'm away a bit. not cause i don't want you here, but i like that its special when i come home.
-i dont think vodka agrees with my body. however gin seems to go down quite fine.

a jar of moths
i wanted to go home and prove to myself that it wasn't just an msn relationship. in retrospect, i don't think i ever got my answer.

another hit please
it all seems a little overwhelming already...and it's only the first week back. its the little things that make it hard, the things that make me feel discouraged, that make me scared, that make me feel like i should just run away. its when you think you know something and then when they hand you the test, you find out you really dont. and the test seems to be made of questions you have never seen before and you dont even know where to start. or the fact that within two classes of linear algebra, they have manged to cover the equivalent of 5 mary ward units. there's still a whole semester to go, what the hell?!?! or when physics just gets harder and harder and the only thing keeping you going is the fact that its already half over. i'm sick and crabby and all i want to do is curl up into a ball under the covers and disappear for awhile.

circles
so its back to the same ol routine and even though these past three weeks flew by, i am sorta ready to go to school. of course, an extra week would have been perfect, but i guess you cant have too much of a good thing. the goodbyes weren't as hard as i imagined them to be. of course i did have my moments...but i seriously pictured them far worse in my head. i think it'll be a little while before i realize that people arent just a phone call away anymore.

city fever
i took the boy out on a date today... kidnapped him ang style-on the ttc and dragged him downtown. haha it worked out so that i picked him up and everything...well technically.
the plan was to go skating. this was hatched because apparently the boy couldnt skate and well i just wanted this oppertunity to see him fall. and we got down to nathan phillips square and it was uber crowded and the ice was melting and the skates didnt fit quite right, so we knew even before putting on our skates it wasn't going to last long. but yeah the boy lied.. he can skate.. well not skate skate but it was wayyy better than he had led us to believe....let's just say i was the one who fell first...stupid boy knowing how to skate when he wasnt supposed to. went to the AGO to see the degas exhibit i wanted to...bum wet and everything.. stupid melting ice. and after a few hours in there, we foudn oursleves walking around downtown looking for a restaurant. ended up at some italian place on front. really good. and yes petrina, we did order the garlic bread and it was great.
so yes great day and i need to get these great days in before i go... and up until today the boy and i havent really spent any time on our own.. well not outside our houses. it was nice just to walk around holding hands or with my arm wrapped around his. it was nice to look up and see his face right there and feel that little smile appear on my face. it's going to be interesting going back to school and not having him there... interesting indeed.

by the way, chua and dim sum make for a GREAT combination

merry christmas
i had a "that 70s show" moment last night. it was great just all being together and having nicki's mom come around and hug and kiss us as though she's raised us from birth, despite the fact that im sure she's seen some of these people like only twice before. just seemed like soemthing kitty would do to the gang once they came back for christmas break.
i'm off to montreal in a few hours and although the hassle of actually going is putting me into a "maybe i'll just cancel my train tickets" state of mind, i'm actually kind of excited about it all. i kinda of want to tell everyone of my adventures. just feel different and i kind of want to be thrown back into the family craziness once again to see how it feels.
i got a couple of shifts... and that means a little extra money in my account this christmas.
still got lots to do when i come back.. like wrapping gifts and finsihing some in some cases...lol
im glowing and happy and full of merry cheer. its a GREAT christmas.

today someone said something to me that really made me think... well what actually made me think was they way i answered. it scared me. it scared me partly because i knew it could happen...because i've thought about it before and how it would make things so much easier. it scared me because sometimes i feel trapped...okay trapped isnt the best word..but kinda of wedged? in this thing...and a lot of the times i like being there because its secure and nice and whatnot..but you know me, im never in one place for too long, and when you try to hold me back, i only fight harder.

i'm scared because i dont want to do it, but a part of me knows i might.

christmas break has begun
i feel so content right now...like all is right with the world. the most stressful thing to my day is figuring out what i'm doing tomorrow or how to get from place A to place B and i love it. i fucking love it. and even though this calm is obviously only temporary, i chose to bask in it for as long as i can. trying to let go of the fact that i have no car and the fact that i think my mom and dad are already mad at me after 2 days of being home. but you know what? i dont worry about it cause eventually i will leave. and i know running away has been the source of this family's problems, but hey they started it, why not i end it this way too? its gonna suck moving back in here after my four years. i really dont know if i can do it... i really dont.
i cannot quite put my finger on how toronto, or rather scarborough makes me feel anymore. yes it is home and is filled with love and forgotten comforts and carefree fun, but i see it differently now. i think london somehow snuck into the crevices of whatever my original perception of toronto was and changed it just ever so slightly. it's become more foreign as university became more familliar. it's gotten pushed aside the more i embrace western. i know it will always be this place i come running to for that little break because it is afterall home...but i dont have an urge to be here permanently any more.

free at last, FREE at last...
as of last nigth, i was a free woman. i was so excited, even after i started drinking, i could think of anything else other than PACK!! it is the greatest feeling in the world right now, especially cause these past 6 days, with my four exams have left me drained and needing of love. and so yes it was great to come back, and jump and scream I'M DONE!! I'M DONE!!! as it finally sunk in. going to waterloo for a couple of days before i come home home. then seeing the boy for a bit before a night out with the girls. im freee baby!!!

grr...queen of the jungle
- i am going to get a cold once i come back to toronto. i can feel it. my body has been running on overdrive and when its all done and over with, its going to collapse. i can feel the struggling already. this is how i know its going to happen.
- the caf is closed as of tomorrow night. oh man imagine behind trapped here for exams and not having the caf convieniently downstairs. its either cooking yourself or running across the street through four lanes of traffic in the cold for food.
- 2 more to go in the next two days. i got through the first bit of the four exams in 6 days hell. i'm waiting for my first university semester to be done...and also my first christmas break since well, elementary school without homework or a job getting in the way. this may be the only one for a while too, seeing how im gonna get me one of them jobs next year. but again, no boxing day shopping for me, since i will be en route back to toronto from montreal. yes, ive decided to take advantage of the lack of work and homework and see the family for a few days. hmm maybe i should just come back a day late and go shopping there.. or maybe i should cool it with this shopping thing cause i have no money...and all christmas cash should be put into the "im too lazy to cook, lets order pizza" and "lets go out and drink" funds.
-i'm pretty sure i achieved the 70 i needed in calc. we'll see though. lets say i thought i did better in chem than i actually did. lets just hope the same doesnt go for calc, cause that means i cant really do my program next year, which needs a 70% average.
- i realize now how very little three weeks actually is. my growing list of things i want to do may not all happen. i want to bake cookies...but have no car to buy the groceries and perhaps no time to bake them til after christmas...how weird is christmas cookies AFTER christmas? hmm maybe ill do it anyway..
-i just got christmas presents from the roomie.. ladybug socks! yay.. theyre great cause they have actual ladybugs on the ankles. (oh but in pom pom form..haha i just realized how confusing that must hve been)
- sometimes i just want my mommy...to cut me up fruit at 10:30 to eat while im studying or to be there to gently rub my back while i collapse on the floor for a 5 minute tv break... yes i do realize im a friggin 20 year old (well not, but this makes it sound even worse and i like it) asking for her mommy... i just need someone there to hug me and go "its going to be okay".
- i'm kinda scared for this bio exam.. im realizing i know less than i thought i did... lol mer. okay back to studying
-p.s. this president's choice peanut butter ice cream bar thing is phallic shaped...really phallic shaped.. just thought you needed to know.

running on my last bit of fuel
its almost 7 in the morning. i got up at 630 to study a bit for this 9 am exam, which i have decided should be outlawed. i didnt get myself to sleep til about 415...not because i was studying or cause i even wanted to, but because i just COULDN'T sleep. it was damn frustrating. and to tell you the truth im a lot more awake than i thought i would be. lets hope im still this way 5 hours from now... wow i just realized i have more exam hours than hours of sleep.. mer

8 more days...7 technically
-first exam is tomorrow. chem. not really worried about that one too too much... its the calc on wednesday that im nervous about. 50% crap.
-i had a freak out this morning. kind of out of nowhere. i hate feeling this helpless. and even though they were far away, their mere presence, even only in msn form, made the difference. support can come in a lot of different forms and i was so thankful for this person at that moment especially.
-i know i probably dont say it enough and am too busy to make you realize but i do see things the same way and feel the same way and a lot of other things. its just not as obvious as i would like sometimes. and to tell you the truth sometimes i dont fully realize it myself.
-we hung up one of each of our socks in the livingroom. its christmas up in here.
-hours spent at the library arent cool. the lights burn right through my retinas. and you would thinkin a 7 story building with a couple thousand students and a million books would absorb some of the cold air that is circulating in there..but no, its still freezing.
-december the 16th date. teehee and sleepover plans to boot.

slushy
i know it may seem a little early to be thinking about this stuff, but hey this is london, where people sign leases as early as january and where people like this boy across the hall have parents who BUY them houses. i got my roomates and im happy cause im comfortable with them and i trust them and i know i wont want to kill them in a few month's time. and i get uber excited looking through ads for these houses and it makes me feel grown up even though in my mind, i am way in over my head. im glad i dont have to do this alone though, cause even though i know i would manage, its nice to have someone there with you to pick up the pieces when you feel as though you cant. there might be some struggles later on..hey its not my fault if you just assumed...but im not really worried about those and know they'll just fix themselves.

went to the hospital to hand in my application form...would realy like to volunteer there..might as well while im lviing on campus so close to it and while i dont have a job right? its strange but no matter how stressed and tired i get here, i still always feel as though something is missing. years of random school stuff and jobs have definitly left their mark on me. i do realize that i cant handle a job sometimes and it would be stupid cause i would miss out on so much, but another part of me needs it in a way. im hoping i can volunteer next semester.. only about 4 hours a week and it'll give me something else to do.

so i typed this long ass thing and then i clicked something accidentalyl outside the blogger posting window and it asked me to save it or else it would just disappear..so i click okay and now i cant find it.

uptown girls
i'm feelin a bit antisocial as of late, and i can't really figure out why. the only thing i can think of is my period, but i think far too many things are blamed on it. didnt do much this weekend, unlike all the others here that involved some form of alcoholic beverage consumption and some form of dancing or at least getting outside of this building at night. but i liked that the place was cleared out for me. even though lindsay stayed, she was trying to milk her last weekend of freedom before exams for all it was worth, and i got the suite to myself. it felt almost unnaturally good that i had it to myself the past two evenings. really had that sense of this is my place and i can be bum-y and could do whatever the hell i want. was supposed to read psych and even though i did technically read some, it wasnt all that i wanted to get accomplished. i dont like the fact that there are no assignments and whatnot here..well i do but the drawback is, is that i dont do anythign unless i have to. and of course th leads to realizing i have to read half a textbook for this exam coming up cause being stupid, i didnt read it in sections like everyone else seemed to do.

other things that happened in brief:
-had to face the fact that i was losing jess as my physics lab partner, shes dropping the course. we agreed to continue our friday dates though
-jess got told that she could drop the course, but continue doing the labs since they were half done anyways and just not do the lab component next year. we just have to get it approved by the lab coordinator. our fingers are crossed.
-went to masonville with dan where we both figured out we are not "cosmo girls". also gave him a mini crash course on being a girl and make up.. now he sorta understands the goop his sister seems to own. (hahah no, dan doesnt wear the make up..lol)
-was supposed to watch ohl game..london verses sarnia. but seats were sold out due to the retiring of brenden shanahan's (he played for the london knights a million years ago) jersey or number or whatever it is they retire. since it was snow-raining, didnt bother to make other plans, especially when it involved hauling my ass downtown to meet the off campus people who live so damn close to that place in comparison.
-had the first 'bump in the road' with the boy. it wasnt anything..just a little annoyance..a little realization sorta thing. all good now. it will be nothing but a pebble once the real problems show up later on.
-i was scratching my leg the other day and it felt like a mosquito bit me..you know with the itching and the little hardened mass in the middle. then i forgot about it. i looked a day later and its a big ass bruise and the hardened mass is still there but smaller. so the question of the day is, is the mass there cause of the bruise (like some sort of blood clot thing?) or is the bruise there because i was scratching it harder than i realized?

things while 'studying' at the ucc
chivalry: it made me smile just to watch them. the little things that a lot of us take for granted, like making sure that he gets a chair for her first before finding one for himself...like fixing the wobble in the table once he notices it, or even getting her coffee just cause...all this and he had a cute little accent and messy hair.
Ivey: two business students with laptops plugged in and papers spread across the table with the word 'Ivey' emblazoned on them quietly argue amoungst themselves. words spurt out like 'black and decker scenario' and facts, figures, and margins of all kinds. No matter how stressed out you feel, always look at an ivey person and they'll make you feel better.
friends it started with a group of of two girls. sitting, studying like me. one more joins the group, and another, and another; all people who just were in the ucc too. they turned into one massive huddle of laughter and loud voices. normally i would have been annoyed. but today it made me miss people. i miss the feeling of knowing everyone. i miss the feeling of people stopping me from studying. there have been days that i feel as though im bumping into a million people i know...but they dont happen as often as i would like.
jock this gigantor jock with a walking cast walks by. there is a table covered with everyone's collective garbage. jocks are apparently attracted to shiny things cause he walks up to the garbage table picks up the shiny thing he sees only to realize it is a bit of foil from those plastic/foil gum packages. the look of disappointment and confusion was perfect.
sunshine a pat volpe-esque student walks across the pavement, in full view of all those studying at the ucc with a giant labatt blue i am candian PATIO umbrella. you cannot fully appreciate what i am trying to describe without actually seeing the enormity of this umbrella and the way that the slitted sides bounce as he walked. it was great while watching as the laughter spread across the room as each person saw the spectacle, like fans doing the wave at a baseball game. that man was the sunshine to my rainy day.

there are things i cant explain
trip back home was great...refuelled me for the last three weeks. you know friends that you'll keep throughout your life when you come back and its like you have never left. the fact that i can just pop in and we can talk and go out and do things as though we've been together all along still gives me that warm feeling inside because honestly for a while back there i was worried. i forget that im in toronto when im in toronto now... it just feels as though they are a part of my life all the time.. kinda like if i went to school in toronto but at another campus or soemthing. i'm kinda glad that the big city still has that mystic to it..that i still get a little confused downtown. i dont know if i would want it to all change cause well the city wouldnt look the same to me if i had gone to school there. i like how my two once separate worlds melded together so nicely. i was a little scared that they would clash.

howling
ive been doing a lot of thinking lately..about well the future. i realized that there are a lot of things right now that are up in the air that could affect things later on. and if things go the way they seem to be heading, i might be in trouble. i dont want to end up 'taking care' of people who should not be my responsibility to take care of. just because you did not realize that it is time to grow up and take care of things yourself doesnt mean that i should be the one there to take care of it for you. i want to be able to know that if something does happen, it wont always be me being the one to deal with it. and a part of me doesnt trust them to do it either. and its sad when other people dont get worried about these people til they realize that theres no one there to take care of them anymore. its sad in a way.
in the recent years i've started to realize that my parent's nonchalent way of taking care of us and their busy schedules were a blessing in disguise. they probably feel really guilty about it at times but now i kinda want to thank them. i know it was partly my own personality, but im really glad that i was forced out on my own...forced to deal with things. i think being exposed to stuff at a young age and the fact that i like this independent kick i get once in a while let me be better at this being older thing. i know i can be okay on my own. i get frustrated at people who cant seem to put their lives together. and im not saying that mine is perfect or even remotely stable and i do have the occational breakdown; but i cant deal with the people who cant even seem together for two seconds...people who cannot function even a little while on their own, people who meet up with a little bump in the road and simply think its the end of the world instead of merely dealing with it. i dont want to take care of you just cause you cant take care of yourself. sometimes you gotta actually face the wolves to learn how to fight them.

sometimes you make me so sad...and you don't even know it.

out of the vein
i wonder if i am really able to handle this all. sometimes, and i know this is bad, i wonder what it would be like if it all didnt happen. would i actually be reading this psychology that never seems to get read? would i be in the livng room with my roomates more? would i be better adapted and perhaps happier in that respect than my current situation? i am happy. really happy but if it all didnt happen i wouldnt know how happy i could have been right? its like that movie.. where i think gwenyth paltrow has two life paths..sliding doors? well i actually never watched the movie so i could be totally wrong. im just wondering what if? and i just realied i shouldnt be wondering that and instead living in the now, but the question always manages to find a way back into my mental processes. i always think of all the options...i always weigh out every possibility. its engrained in me. even when i make seemingly rash decisions, the millions of possibilities and decisions have all been looked into in those few seconds. i dunno i think im just doubting everything righ tnow. reevaluating my life a bit. i get like this sometimes.

diggin on you
petrina coming by this weekend was my little bit of home that i hd been yearning for. it was great just to catch up...just to sit there and not necessarily do anything and still be comfortable. i liked that lindsays friends were also over. i like that mallory finally got to stay a weekend instead of going home to work. i'm glad we all got to go dancing together and drunk together and be stupid together. it really has made a difference in my head. i am the only one out of the 7 people that were here this weekend to not be hooked on bust a move. and i really dont think i should get started.

there are so many things whizzing through my head right now. im almost dizzy. the blogging i guess will have to wait til i sort them out cause right now i dont even know what i know anymore.

flu shot tomorrow.

housecleaning
you can affect people in so many different ways without you even knowing that you are.
-i didnt want you to feel that way and would have kept my mouth shut about it if i knew that that was what it would do. i wanted to tell you because i thought that you should know..just like all that stuff you wrote you wrote because you thought i should know.
-the bonds that are between us cannot be broken by a few measly miles. i personally didnt think anything was wrong. i wasnt mad that i didnt know. i didnt think that it was a sign of the impending doom of us. i thought that perhaps because we still talked all the time you just forgot you didnt tell us. i honestly spent like no time analysing that in my head and a lot more time than necessary wondering why if you didnt tell the three of us who did you think you told? lol cause its not like you told 15 and left out 5..you like told one person! lol. i just think its amusing thats all. and next time you feel like thigns are falling apart and you dont have enough hands to hold the pieces together while you wait for the superglue to dry, im always here. i know things arent ideal right now.. but think of all the changes you went through the last five years. things are never static and just when you think they are stuck, you find out theyre not. like who woudl have thought that it took us a good chunk of highschool to actually really find find eachother..
-i want to throw them all into a box and tape it up. i want to deal with them when im ready and able.
-is he gay or not? i cant quite tell...not that i will ever see him again. but he sure makes me wonder. do straight boys have tongue rings?
-i sometimes get so frustrated with her and it makes me feel sad. i cant help it but there are things that really get on my nerves but seem really petty and i cannot bring them up...so oblivious.

according to chinese horoscope rats and horses dont get along
i dont know how he does it. even from 300 kilometers away he still has this grip on me. i hate it. i hate it that even after all these years i'm still affected by it. i hate that even on msn i can hear his voice and hear his emotions and hear the underlying sarcasm and that strange way he says everything that makes me want to hit him and wonder why he had any friends growing up at all. i hate the fact that i am 19 years old and he can still make me cry. i hate the way he makes me feel like shit. i hate that after every conversation with him in person or not, all i want to do afterwards is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. no one should be able to do this to you. its so exhausting the mind games he plays. things may have gotten better since back then, but the issues that have always come between us are still there. he pretends like its okay...but that's all it is-pretending. you can tell by the way he phrases things or by the things he does. things aren't fixed.

he wanted a proper little girl. one who didnt scream, or run around, or did anything 'unfeminine'. children are supposed to be seen not heard would be one of his policies. her brother could run around...he was cute and doing what all boys did when he would crawl over people and accidentally poke them in the eye. she apparently was a dissapointment and well more of challange than he expected (you mean girls aren;t supposed to just want to sit there? i think it was a shock the first time i picked up a bug to show him). he simply wasn't ready for what he thought he was. the girl grew and eventually he got laid off. he was forced to stay at home with the two children. the weekend grocery shopping trips and dinner at home didnt seem so hard, but being a full time father was completely different. the fights started. the girl was stubborn just like her grandma...ironically his own mom. eventually he learned that kids involved more than just feeding and clothing them and things did get better, but he qucikly found that maybe he couldn't adapt quickly enough...the kids seemed to change way too fast.
as she hit her preteens, things turned ugly like in most famillies. she grew up in a westernized world he never had any idea of. her mom tried to tell HIM that girls dont stay in and cook and take care of the family here like his older sister did all those years ago. there was no need for that. and that just because she went out with her friends, it didnt mean she was a tramp gallavanting around town. her mom tried to tell HER that her change probably hit him pretty hard too since she went from the little girl who would be interested in computer games and who helped him to build bookshelves and who would hold his hand grocery shopping to suddenly independent and opinionated. turned out she was not the daughter he imagined or wanted in fact. it was made perfectly clear the night of grade 8 graduation. and yes she did many things to intentionally piss him off and there were months of not speaking to eachother and she was by far not perfect (there was even that one HUGE mistake), but this was a blow that even she was not quite ready for and still has not recovered from.

he still doesnt trust me totally... he says he does but its apparent in everything that he does or says. it would be different if he just said hey i dont trust you..cause then we could at least deal with it. but he hides it and does things that just seem unreasonable. the relationship has never had a chance to fix itself..and by the way things look it probably never will. he loves me.. im pretty sure. and sometimes i know he tries really hard. but its just so much harder to appreciate these things when all the other stuff is... well like this.

i smell like pizza
i am finally settling into a routine...if you can call it that i guess. well its the closest thing to a routine that i have to establish yet. and i despite the fact that i need my life to be somewhat hectic and crazy all the time in order to not get bored, i still need that underlying routine to return to once i get tired; that i know will be there for me to crawl back too when i get scared. and no its not a routine in any sense of the word in a way because there is no schedule to be followed and i still dont know what i am doing a few hours from now...but i think i'm used to things around here now. im used to fighting for the laundry and know when i will most likely get it. i dont even get so frustrated with it any more. my long ass hell tuesdays dont even seem that bad anymore cause i have so many under my belt that that dont phase me. yes theyre still a pain but i know i can get through them cause i have. grocery shopping and going to the bank and liquor store seem more like normal activities instead of major inconviences. i have times set aside to just clean the mess that my room has accumulated that week or so.. so that i dont go crazy from the mess. things like that.. i dont know how to explain it exactly.. hmm.
petrina is coming.. not penta, not pete, not trina.. PETRINA is coming. lol :)

jeremiah was a bullfrog
i dont know whats healthy for me anymore. sometimes i want to scream and just kinda leave it in the corner to fester on its own for a while. sometimes i dont want to deal. sometimes i dont know if im just over reacting. but i hold it in...trying to not cause another petty fight...trying to keep things 'good'. but holding it in is never the answer in my head, but i worry that it may be building..building up .

on another note: i was watching this thing on the life network about doctors without borders. and it really made me want to be a doctor...and not just a doctor but a doctor in bolivia or angola or something. just watching those kids faces made me want to help and be there and travel by rusty truck or days by boat just to get to them so th they wont die. but another part of me knows i would die. it knows i would be the first one to break under the pressure. it knows i cant handle the conditions. sigh.

Question
you know how when you feel a strong emotion, you feel it in your heart? when you miss someone or are heartbroken from one thing or another, there is this weird surge of something that paralyzes you for just a second and you feel it right in your chest. i want to know what causes this. what is exactly in pain right there? why do we feel it there? i know we all relate the heart to emotion, but really biologically, its just an organ there to pump blood. strange how when we feel strongly for something you actually do feel it in your heart in a way..werid.. but WHY?

i'm not alan...stop calling me
i didnt know i could grow so much in a day. there was something about today that made everything worthwhile; that made the crap okay. i woke up sleep deprived and grumpy, and knowingly grumpy too (i still have yet to determine whether it is worse or better than unknowingly grumpy..cause i hate it that everytime i say or do something, i wanna hit myself for being such a bitch). i showered and ate, all the while thinking about whether or not i could in fact make it into toronto, even though i had already resolvednot to go this weekend. at this point, i just wanted something to look forward to...something to get me out. needless to say, it had finally sunk in that the exam-physics of all subjects was today...and that i had a good chance of not doing so well. i went to my nine o'clock class and was incredibly restless in the chair; to a point where my back started to hurt from all my moving around and bad posture. jess honestly made all the difference today. i could not have done that last minute 5 hour study session without her..and the coffee..and the manchu wok (that we both had for the first time in years). and despite this day which consisted of 10 hours devoted to either a physics lecture, physics studying, physics tutorial, or physics exam, it was nice to get that feeling of finding someone that finally understands you...who you can talk to in noises like i talk to the people back home and who doesnt think im crazy for doing so...who knows that the last couple of hours while digesting dinner CANNOT be spent studying and must be spent doing frivilous (sp?) things such as watching downloaded episodes of that 70s show, but still knowing that in the last 20 minutes or so before the test, a quick review of the notes and equations is a must.
also got to know the roomie just a little bit better. feeling nothing but good vibes. and i like how even through the shitty days, a little light comes through. i like that i can still find the good stuff..i like it a lot.

kennedy road
these past few days have certainly been an experience. and well the spontaneous and-not-so-well thought out move i made certainly added to the craziness. i dont think he's ready for crazy ang just yet..lol but it was nice, and i felt grown up. it may be bizarre, but in a way, it felt like my own place.. like we just always wake up and i go walk to get lunch for us and we sit and watch tv...like it was something we do everyday. and it was great getting to know the other side that no one sees. he's really cute with his brother. i can't help but have a perma-smile whenever i see them together. seeing him with his family makes me kinda want to have the same sorta connection in a way. i think i am finally seeing what i missed out on all these years. whether or not i actually make the effort is another thing entirely however. our families are made of different stuff. saw matrix three today, whcih was a pretty good movie, even depsite the fact tht i dont remember the first one and didnt see the second one. i secretly giggled to myself as he bought the tickets. it was just such a 'date' thing that i had yet to experience.
i know we both knew this wasn't going to be easy...but i also didnt quite expect it to be this hard. its strange but i think im falling for this boy..really falling. didnt think that run-away ang would say that huh? but im still looking for whatever it is that will ruin things to come along. not that im actively looking for it. i just realize that you know, this thing may not be forever...and that i choose to take it day by day. and its true, in many ways i am a commitmentophobe (i think i just made up another word..add it to the dictionary)

random
funny how when you see or smell or experience some things, it reminds you SO much of someone else that it hurts to not have them there.

sometimes i have to just learn to deal with the fact that im gonna miss out on things. ive missed out on things before cause of work and whatnot...now i miss outbecause im in london.

no matter how stagnant things seem, theyre always moving...you just dont notice the change til later.. kinda like how the earth is always moving around the sun, but you dont notice it until you see the season change and whatnot... eww did i just relate somethign to science.. haha FREAK.

sometimes other people know what you need more than you do and you should just listen to them.

conversations had by pressing two separate phone receivers (or their equivalents) together are the best...especailly when its with my two.

t-shirts in october
the true beauty of the campus cannot be appreciated until you clear out the tousands of people who wander through it on a daily basis and leave maybe about fifty, drifting about the streets. you only then begin to really notice the way the leaves have changed colours nd have fallen to the floor how they compliment the limestone of the buildings. the streets seem different and the familiar buildings are seen from a new pespective. they look older, more distinguished. even though my friday labs, which end at 5 are a pain in the butt, i appreciate that i can see campus cleared out this way every so often. its really different...really. so much so that the same path that i take everyday from the same building i have my lab in looked so different, for a second i almost took another way..because simply it wasnt the same to me. i started to wish i knew more photography and had an SLR i actually knew how to use. there are some pictures i want to take...crevices i want to explore i guess.. . im thinking that maybe i good 35mm loaded with black and white might suffice.