modulation
the physics isn't looking so bad anymore. i don't curse at it or stare at it blankly wishing it would just go away as much as i used to. i think because i've realized that this course from hell has a purpose now. or maybe because algebra is giving me such a hard time, physics is nothing in comparison.
i think now that i've finally decided (actually maybe decided is too strong of a word) what im doing with myself and to tell you the truth i am a little excited. these courses just sudeenly got better once that goal came into sight i guess and a part of me knows its all gonna be over with soon. no more math or physics for me ever. just have to get through my clump of three midterms (friday night, saturday afternoon, saturday night) after reading week and i think i shouldnt be too bad. i must make myself try harder next year. they only let in 25 people for my program in 4th year. yikes.

PUNK'D....by a fish
so jackie walks into my room and we chat and then she goes "uh ang is your fish dead?" i turn around ready to tell her that they're probably just sleeping because they have done that...just floated around still. so i finish my pivot and sushi, the little fish is floating at the top not moving, and neither is ketchup. ketchup then starts to move, but sushi is still up at the top, motionless... i begin to freak. telling jaxs to wake them up. but to me, sushi is dead cause i have never seen him that still before, they;ve always woken up once i started to move or make noise again..and they've never slept up at the top like that. so im freakin outon my chair for a good minute. then sushi wakes up. oh man. i thought i would be able to just flush them..but judging from that freak out guess not.

how'd you like to be alone and drowning?
what everyone needs in life is that friend who's willing to risk everything just to tell you something that she thinks you should know. and i'm glad we are good enough that things like that can be said and let out and still be fine between us. i know you were only concerned and yes i do see it too. there will be no risk of me being one of those chicks that land themselves on the montel williams show spewing out profanity laden insults to the people who care about her most. i appreciate that you could get yourself to tell me tht cause it was honest and i know youre only looking out for me. its nice to know that you're there..seriously. because if i do go stupid, hopefully you'll tell me...just like we always said we would.

celery and carrot sticks
i almost forgot how great jacsen and i are. there's no one else that i can be a four year old with quite like him. from confusing the hell outta cris with our made up ghetto term to both simutaneously yelling out that dom delouise was the ugliest guy on earth..to poking fights which leave him with a booboo on his finger that he bandages and pretends as though it was an injury from my maiming of him. haha "ang tried to cut off my finger i swear". seeing jacsen dance up on guys just to get them away from us is great.. lol too bad he wasn't there the night sasquatch came out to play.


i know this is pretty evil and petty but i enjoy thinking up bad things to do to one of my suitemates. shes mute and not all that bad really. but she never washes the dishes or takes out the trash or does the recycling, which is 75% composed of her stupid coke cans/bottles. i mean its not even like you bothered to bring your own pot or pn fully knowing you were living suitestyle...she brings two dishes a cup and a cutlery set...and shes uses all our shit and doesn't wash them. the dishes we normally let pile up anyways. but its fucking annoying when i go to make soup with MY pot and i find it in the sink cause she used it and didnt wash it. and is it my fault she goes home every weekend? im not the one who told her to keep her job at home and i know for fact she doesnt work every weekend while shes there, and so its not my fault that we don't totally meld. you choose to be mute. and how many times have you been watching tv while ive been studying? screaming at your stupid scary movies. its not my damn fault you cant study with noise. get used to it, its a fuckin rez.

superbowl party downstairs tonight. im gonna learn about this football thing they like so much here once and for all. or maybe ill just go downstairs for the free food and come upstairs to do all the homework i was supposed to do this weekend like a good little girl.

procrastinating
here I am supposedly studying for physics. I mean I skipped all my classes today to study. But instead I am thinking of everything else I could be doing with my time. I am not at all freaked out this exam. I think I've stopped caring. Either that or I have some dillusions on how much I actually know....cause if my quizzes have been any indication..well it's not much. I think I'm gonna go grocery shopping now. I know,but I want chicken nuggets this weekend and I'm uber busy.

ch-ch-ch-changes
what is that fine line that separates what should be expected from expecting too much? I don't think I cross it, but sometimes the reactions of people make me stop in my tracks, look around, and take a few steps back. Is it really that much to ask? I know it's never coming and I'm adding it to the pile of things i never expect to see or hear about again. And I often wonder, is it healthy to be doing this? To be let down and just accepting it? It's done mostly because I don't know... maybe I am asking for too much. But tonight, I don't know...it just didn't seem like a big thing, but the way you at first refused, and then the way you replied; I knew I should just forget about it.

I remembered today in conversation, you said it was "okay". and I know this may not make sense because its totally out of context, but you know what? it wasn't there for you to be okay with. I told you it was kinda important and if anything I should be the one saying "its okay". in my head I think you're a little relieved that its not happening. sometimes you are so dense and i dont even think i mind it as much anymore...but I think what really got me thinking was the fact that I actually had something planned for you.

sometimes i need you here cause youre the only one that understands.. ugh!

they are up-ing the minimum wage, which is very good for a girl on the job hunt.

i don't want to read textbooks anymore. I don't want to learn about things that I technically already know, but are made exponentially harder. It's bad enough that I don't get to read books I really want, but I don't even have a slight interest in these anymore.

I've been floating around here like it's all a dream. I dunno everything just seems so unreal as of late. I've been feeling the dream-like quality of things in the weirdest of places... like i'll be standing in the shower or watching tv in the livingroom and just have a WOAH moment. It's weird.

Tomorrow its the start of the exams.. sigh. first batter up is physics.

keyboard grit
sometimes you are thrown off guard even when the outcome is one that you expect. there is a first time for everything i guess you can say and last night was one of those; where i just kinda sat and didn't know what to do. i fought the urge to run away and yeah eventually it got dealt with. i need that shove in the right direction a lot of the times to get me going. i was so scared. you know how i think that things happen for a reason? well last night, i think it made me realize something. cause lately i've been having doubts about everything and well despite how crappy things got, it was better in the end. so im not saying i'm glad it happened cause it was still interesting..but it did make me open my eyes a little and figure out what was going on.
summary: yes i do feel different and in a good way...i think i just needed to have that reaffirmed.

purple doors
i know you shouldn't have to fight for me, but sometimes i think that because you don't you may just lose me. kinda like how if youre the little runt, you better learn to fight hard for your food otherwise you're not getting any of it. it's not my fault there are other things. im not going to say no to a definite for a maybe. i just want you to take charge sometimes.. tell me where to go what to do.. not in that way but you understand. sometimes my head hurts from the thinking.
and sometimes i don't know...i really don't.

strengthen, lengthen, and tone
this morning linz and i couldn't tell whether snow was actually falling or if it just looked like it was snowing from all the snow being blown off the building tops. turns out it was BOTH. honestly, if it's not continual rain, its continual snow. living in a snowbelt sucks. however it was great seeing tall and lanky jeff almost get blown off the sidewalk like a leaf from the winds and then proceed to make fun of himself for it. i may short and round..haha but i'm like a ROCK baby.

these fish are a clear indication of what type of a mother i will become if that ever happens. yes i may do things that are stupid like do a complete water change cause i cant figure out any other way to get out the crap sitting under the rocks, or put my fish in dixie cups while im changing their water, or make their new water from a combination of boiled water and refrigerated brita water (hot plus cold duh! because our tap water comes out white), but i do them cause in my head these things aren't going to kill them. (when in actuality, they might). i'm not doing them knowing that hey its gonna hurt them; im doing them because i think that they can just deal...i guess tht just amounts to negligence huh? so i think my fish are slowly dying and i just dont realize. oh man im gonna be one of those mothers that let their children put their hands in electrical sockets just because i know the mild shock wont kill them and that they'll learn the lesson themselves..lol (hmm is it a mild shock?)

i feel like twirling... twirling down the hall, twirling in the ucc. haha i dont know why but i do.

the search for the eskimo boots ended. well technically i gave up. london sucks. im gonna go check in toronto maybe if i have the time. some were a little too eskimo.. yuck. and some were cute and half off but yeah me and my stupid calves.

the space between
sometimes you do something and at the moment you feel stupid and insecure about everything but something within you just makes you do it despite your better judgement. i don't know exactly what happened and quite frankly the memory of it is quite blurry right now. i guess there was something...some part of me that just needed to say it, needed to get it out because i've been thinking about it for a while. i guess it's just never been in me told hold something like that in for too long. sometimes i take a look back and wonder if its all affecting me already, and in more ways that i realize. and maybe i just don't want to think about it anymore. and its true, i think too much for my own good sometimes. but i can't help it i swear.

turning
when people try to do something for you for your own good, its best to not fight it and just accept and give into whatever it is, because when you realize why, you see that maybe you gave them a little more credit than they deserved.

highlighter
-the blog got a little makeover today. i still can't find where to change the colour code for the words on the side br, but im starting to like the orange.
-the roomies found a house too today, we're neighbours. tomorrow, the girls, yes all four, of suite 325 will no longer be homeless...and will instead be owing a LOT of money to this london property corporation.
-algebra should not have a lab component; especially when this lab component involved me typing out cryptic codes onto a computer and making it do things. does anyone else know what sqrt(A)^2 is supposed to mean? it actually is a command to maipulate a matrix of some sort. it felt like i was taking a course in computer programming.
-i think im coming home the weekend of the 23rd. probably.
-so i decide to be somewhat responsible and tell my dad that i got place and am signing the lease. instead of being happy, he goes into rant asking if there is a "sub lease". he asks, well if one of your roomates decides to run off what are you going to do? and i replied.. um its jackie and jeff, i know their parents, i'll go to them for the money. he apparently didn't find this very amusing. just the way he was like well i did my part, if anything happens down the line, you cant say i didn't try to tell you. it makes me wonder why i try sometimes.
-out this weekend with jess maybe? we're trying a new place-the martini lounge.. lol sounds exciting.
-my hair feels long...must resist the urge to cut it.

there are times when you frustrate me to no end or make me upset...and you dont even know it.


then there are times it scares me how much i miss you.

grilled cheese
i can't quite put my finger on what i've been feeling these past few days. but i can't say it has been good. it's been a mixture of insecurity, annoyance, fear, and well all other things negative i guess. i'm working my way through things, trying to not let them affect me. and even though people ask, i dont want to share because a part of me thinks that i am being petty, stupid, and over-sensitive about certain things.
i think with the incoming of the constant snow that proves we are in a snowbelt, the magical feeling i held for this campus made an exit. its not that i dont like it here, i really do- but campus no longer makes me feel the same or makes me smile inside the way it used to. perhaps the copious amounts of slush have put a damper on things since it is nothing but wet and cold all the time (there is afterall only so much snow-in-your-face one girl can take) and everything now seems so routine and familliar. i'm waiting for spring to come.
i thought about it today. REALLY thought about it. and for a while it felt okay to go through with it. it was the weirdest feeling knowing that i would let myself do that. it was the weirdest feeling thinking that i would be okay after it, when i know i wouldnt be. maybe its from everything people have been telling me. what they dont know is that it would so much more affected than even i would know. but yeah, i really did think about it, to a point where i was going over the scenario in my head and i saw it come to life.

inside my head and in my space
-so the lease is getting signed tomorrw, 430. oh man. haha its great seeing how giggly jeff and i got. to the point where we drew up the floor plan and started looking at the prices of double vs twin beds.
- i didnt realize this, but man he's mute in a way too. i thought he would be there to back me up but once again i was singing lead with two mute backups when i really didn't want to.
-when she suggested that maybe i should ask, i wanted to drop kick her in the face.. i know i wouldnt have made it, but oh man i would have been willing to dive and fall on my face trying. what the hell-how can you ask a 19 year old who doesn't know what the hell she's doing over grown ups and her own grown son.
-i have started a new workout thing. well i've been once, but im looking into making it routine. bi-weekly at least maybe even tri-weekly. ooh im excited. and i figure even if i try and fail and give up, its still more hours of exercise than i would have done right? ooh feel that blubber melt..lol
-realizations are sometimes fun..even when they are about things that frustrate you, but only when there are people to laugh at the stupidness with you.
-being unmotivated and just sitting there being blobby isn't sexy.
-i keep on forgetting to tell my father about my house
-i ordered cheques-real ones with my name and address already printed on them. no more perforated-edge cheques with 4 blank lines for you to write in your name and address for me anymore.
-i am getting no work done as usual BUT i did better on my tests this week AND i actually liked my chem lab.
-sometimes i'm just too sensitive to things
-so maybe this getting my period on a regular basis isn't all its cracked up to be. every 28 days (21 really, cause by the time you finish it) is sooo often! oh man. its like i JUST had it.
-i had HIVES on my arm the other day.. i dont know from what.. all i kept on thinking was maybe its from the alcohol last night. but if it was really from that, it would have appeared sooner than the night after right? i dunno. but i dont have an antihistamine here. and by the way theyre gone now..and im not tht sure they were hives either.
-first purchase for my new house: a frivilous new vase for my fake fuschia gerberas.
-going to try and finish my book now. turrah

shocked
you know you are more like on of those stupid girls than you thought when you start to think certain people are saying goodnight in the wrong way. i know it means nothing and i tell myself that, but a part of me still was a little let down. i think the syndrome may be kicking in. i refuse to let it take me.

here, we'll flip a coin or something
the struggles are over, even though it hasn't been very long. but yes, its pretty good for what we're paying but needless to say, i will need one nice job this summer. but i think it is do-able, especially if i am working part time next year. oh man. but yes the lease will be signed eventually, once jaxs' parents have a look at it and once we find some time that fits all of our schedules. we showed jeff the place we liked and two hours later when we were ready to look at it a final time before we decided between that one and another, it had already been taken. LESS THAN TWO HOURS. luckily there was a comparable unit across the street. phew

excited and feelin kinda old.. teehee.. now if i can only figure out what this guarantor person is..lol

my list of realizations:
-that i like hats. and even though the whole toque (sp?) thing is lost on me, other hats, if i can find them are great and fun and playful...and great at clubs.
-that i like the fact that when boys hit on me and ask me for my number, statements like, "i dont think my boyfriend would appreciate that" are no longer just lies. and i say this with an inner smile, even when they are sorta cute. and i think im proud of myself for that.
-that really, at a dollar a cup, albeit a small cup, it doesn't matter that beer doesn't taste that great. its a DOLLAR per cup. and im a cheap drunk so really i'm even CHEAPER (monetary wise) now.
-feta cheese on pizza is the greatest thing in the world.
-my tendency to attract the grossest guys in the world still holds true, even when i thought it was over...this reaffirmed by the sasquatch-like thing that was dancing with me last night. surprisingly my nemesis saved me. hah nemesis.
-i'm glad that i'm not like someone right now...who is in a very awkward position. i guess all the trying that i did earlier on helped..and i cant say that i dont wanna go "i told you so".
-cris is great for conversationing...if thats even a word.
-even though i sometimes get these pangs of "oh man i wish so or so was here" i like the fact that i'm away a bit. not cause i don't want you here, but i like that its special when i come home.
-i dont think vodka agrees with my body. however gin seems to go down quite fine.

a jar of moths
i wanted to go home and prove to myself that it wasn't just an msn relationship. in retrospect, i don't think i ever got my answer.

another hit please
it all seems a little overwhelming already...and it's only the first week back. its the little things that make it hard, the things that make me feel discouraged, that make me scared, that make me feel like i should just run away. its when you think you know something and then when they hand you the test, you find out you really dont. and the test seems to be made of questions you have never seen before and you dont even know where to start. or the fact that within two classes of linear algebra, they have manged to cover the equivalent of 5 mary ward units. there's still a whole semester to go, what the hell?!?! or when physics just gets harder and harder and the only thing keeping you going is the fact that its already half over. i'm sick and crabby and all i want to do is curl up into a ball under the covers and disappear for awhile.

circles
so its back to the same ol routine and even though these past three weeks flew by, i am sorta ready to go to school. of course, an extra week would have been perfect, but i guess you cant have too much of a good thing. the goodbyes weren't as hard as i imagined them to be. of course i did have my moments...but i seriously pictured them far worse in my head. i think it'll be a little while before i realize that people arent just a phone call away anymore.

city fever
i took the boy out on a date today... kidnapped him ang style-on the ttc and dragged him downtown. haha it worked out so that i picked him up and everything...well technically.
the plan was to go skating. this was hatched because apparently the boy couldnt skate and well i just wanted this oppertunity to see him fall. and we got down to nathan phillips square and it was uber crowded and the ice was melting and the skates didnt fit quite right, so we knew even before putting on our skates it wasn't going to last long. but yeah the boy lied.. he can skate.. well not skate skate but it was wayyy better than he had led us to believe....let's just say i was the one who fell first...stupid boy knowing how to skate when he wasnt supposed to. went to the AGO to see the degas exhibit i wanted to...bum wet and everything.. stupid melting ice. and after a few hours in there, we foudn oursleves walking around downtown looking for a restaurant. ended up at some italian place on front. really good. and yes petrina, we did order the garlic bread and it was great.
so yes great day and i need to get these great days in before i go... and up until today the boy and i havent really spent any time on our own.. well not outside our houses. it was nice just to walk around holding hands or with my arm wrapped around his. it was nice to look up and see his face right there and feel that little smile appear on my face. it's going to be interesting going back to school and not having him there... interesting indeed.

by the way, chua and dim sum make for a GREAT combination

merry christmas
i had a "that 70s show" moment last night. it was great just all being together and having nicki's mom come around and hug and kiss us as though she's raised us from birth, despite the fact that im sure she's seen some of these people like only twice before. just seemed like soemthing kitty would do to the gang once they came back for christmas break.
i'm off to montreal in a few hours and although the hassle of actually going is putting me into a "maybe i'll just cancel my train tickets" state of mind, i'm actually kind of excited about it all. i kinda of want to tell everyone of my adventures. just feel different and i kind of want to be thrown back into the family craziness once again to see how it feels.
i got a couple of shifts... and that means a little extra money in my account this christmas.
still got lots to do when i come back.. like wrapping gifts and finsihing some in some cases...lol
im glowing and happy and full of merry cheer. its a GREAT christmas.

today someone said something to me that really made me think... well what actually made me think was they way i answered. it scared me. it scared me partly because i knew it could happen...because i've thought about it before and how it would make things so much easier. it scared me because sometimes i feel trapped...okay trapped isnt the best word..but kinda of wedged? in this thing...and a lot of the times i like being there because its secure and nice and whatnot..but you know me, im never in one place for too long, and when you try to hold me back, i only fight harder.

i'm scared because i dont want to do it, but a part of me knows i might.

christmas break has begun
i feel so content right now...like all is right with the world. the most stressful thing to my day is figuring out what i'm doing tomorrow or how to get from place A to place B and i love it. i fucking love it. and even though this calm is obviously only temporary, i chose to bask in it for as long as i can. trying to let go of the fact that i have no car and the fact that i think my mom and dad are already mad at me after 2 days of being home. but you know what? i dont worry about it cause eventually i will leave. and i know running away has been the source of this family's problems, but hey they started it, why not i end it this way too? its gonna suck moving back in here after my four years. i really dont know if i can do it... i really dont.
i cannot quite put my finger on how toronto, or rather scarborough makes me feel anymore. yes it is home and is filled with love and forgotten comforts and carefree fun, but i see it differently now. i think london somehow snuck into the crevices of whatever my original perception of toronto was and changed it just ever so slightly. it's become more foreign as university became more familliar. it's gotten pushed aside the more i embrace western. i know it will always be this place i come running to for that little break because it is afterall home...but i dont have an urge to be here permanently any more.

free at last, FREE at last...
as of last nigth, i was a free woman. i was so excited, even after i started drinking, i could think of anything else other than PACK!! it is the greatest feeling in the world right now, especially cause these past 6 days, with my four exams have left me drained and needing of love. and so yes it was great to come back, and jump and scream I'M DONE!! I'M DONE!!! as it finally sunk in. going to waterloo for a couple of days before i come home home. then seeing the boy for a bit before a night out with the girls. im freee baby!!!

grr...queen of the jungle
- i am going to get a cold once i come back to toronto. i can feel it. my body has been running on overdrive and when its all done and over with, its going to collapse. i can feel the struggling already. this is how i know its going to happen.
- the caf is closed as of tomorrow night. oh man imagine behind trapped here for exams and not having the caf convieniently downstairs. its either cooking yourself or running across the street through four lanes of traffic in the cold for food.
- 2 more to go in the next two days. i got through the first bit of the four exams in 6 days hell. i'm waiting for my first university semester to be done...and also my first christmas break since well, elementary school without homework or a job getting in the way. this may be the only one for a while too, seeing how im gonna get me one of them jobs next year. but again, no boxing day shopping for me, since i will be en route back to toronto from montreal. yes, ive decided to take advantage of the lack of work and homework and see the family for a few days. hmm maybe i should just come back a day late and go shopping there.. or maybe i should cool it with this shopping thing cause i have no money...and all christmas cash should be put into the "im too lazy to cook, lets order pizza" and "lets go out and drink" funds.
-i'm pretty sure i achieved the 70 i needed in calc. we'll see though. lets say i thought i did better in chem than i actually did. lets just hope the same doesnt go for calc, cause that means i cant really do my program next year, which needs a 70% average.
- i realize now how very little three weeks actually is. my growing list of things i want to do may not all happen. i want to bake cookies...but have no car to buy the groceries and perhaps no time to bake them til after christmas...how weird is christmas cookies AFTER christmas? hmm maybe ill do it anyway..
-i just got christmas presents from the roomie.. ladybug socks! yay.. theyre great cause they have actual ladybugs on the ankles. (oh but in pom pom form..haha i just realized how confusing that must hve been)
- sometimes i just want my mommy...to cut me up fruit at 10:30 to eat while im studying or to be there to gently rub my back while i collapse on the floor for a 5 minute tv break... yes i do realize im a friggin 20 year old (well not, but this makes it sound even worse and i like it) asking for her mommy... i just need someone there to hug me and go "its going to be okay".
- i'm kinda scared for this bio exam.. im realizing i know less than i thought i did... lol mer. okay back to studying
-p.s. this president's choice peanut butter ice cream bar thing is phallic shaped...really phallic shaped.. just thought you needed to know.

running on my last bit of fuel
its almost 7 in the morning. i got up at 630 to study a bit for this 9 am exam, which i have decided should be outlawed. i didnt get myself to sleep til about 415...not because i was studying or cause i even wanted to, but because i just COULDN'T sleep. it was damn frustrating. and to tell you the truth im a lot more awake than i thought i would be. lets hope im still this way 5 hours from now... wow i just realized i have more exam hours than hours of sleep.. mer

8 more days...7 technically
-first exam is tomorrow. chem. not really worried about that one too too much... its the calc on wednesday that im nervous about. 50% crap.
-i had a freak out this morning. kind of out of nowhere. i hate feeling this helpless. and even though they were far away, their mere presence, even only in msn form, made the difference. support can come in a lot of different forms and i was so thankful for this person at that moment especially.
-i know i probably dont say it enough and am too busy to make you realize but i do see things the same way and feel the same way and a lot of other things. its just not as obvious as i would like sometimes. and to tell you the truth sometimes i dont fully realize it myself.
-we hung up one of each of our socks in the livingroom. its christmas up in here.
-hours spent at the library arent cool. the lights burn right through my retinas. and you would thinkin a 7 story building with a couple thousand students and a million books would absorb some of the cold air that is circulating in there..but no, its still freezing.
-december the 16th date. teehee and sleepover plans to boot.

slushy
i know it may seem a little early to be thinking about this stuff, but hey this is london, where people sign leases as early as january and where people like this boy across the hall have parents who BUY them houses. i got my roomates and im happy cause im comfortable with them and i trust them and i know i wont want to kill them in a few month's time. and i get uber excited looking through ads for these houses and it makes me feel grown up even though in my mind, i am way in over my head. im glad i dont have to do this alone though, cause even though i know i would manage, its nice to have someone there with you to pick up the pieces when you feel as though you cant. there might be some struggles later on..hey its not my fault if you just assumed...but im not really worried about those and know they'll just fix themselves.

went to the hospital to hand in my application form...would realy like to volunteer there..might as well while im lviing on campus so close to it and while i dont have a job right? its strange but no matter how stressed and tired i get here, i still always feel as though something is missing. years of random school stuff and jobs have definitly left their mark on me. i do realize that i cant handle a job sometimes and it would be stupid cause i would miss out on so much, but another part of me needs it in a way. im hoping i can volunteer next semester.. only about 4 hours a week and it'll give me something else to do.

so i typed this long ass thing and then i clicked something accidentalyl outside the blogger posting window and it asked me to save it or else it would just disappear..so i click okay and now i cant find it.

uptown girls
i'm feelin a bit antisocial as of late, and i can't really figure out why. the only thing i can think of is my period, but i think far too many things are blamed on it. didnt do much this weekend, unlike all the others here that involved some form of alcoholic beverage consumption and some form of dancing or at least getting outside of this building at night. but i liked that the place was cleared out for me. even though lindsay stayed, she was trying to milk her last weekend of freedom before exams for all it was worth, and i got the suite to myself. it felt almost unnaturally good that i had it to myself the past two evenings. really had that sense of this is my place and i can be bum-y and could do whatever the hell i want. was supposed to read psych and even though i did technically read some, it wasnt all that i wanted to get accomplished. i dont like the fact that there are no assignments and whatnot here..well i do but the drawback is, is that i dont do anythign unless i have to. and of course th leads to realizing i have to read half a textbook for this exam coming up cause being stupid, i didnt read it in sections like everyone else seemed to do.

other things that happened in brief:
-had to face the fact that i was losing jess as my physics lab partner, shes dropping the course. we agreed to continue our friday dates though
-jess got told that she could drop the course, but continue doing the labs since they were half done anyways and just not do the lab component next year. we just have to get it approved by the lab coordinator. our fingers are crossed.
-went to masonville with dan where we both figured out we are not "cosmo girls". also gave him a mini crash course on being a girl and make up.. now he sorta understands the goop his sister seems to own. (hahah no, dan doesnt wear the make up..lol)
-was supposed to watch ohl game..london verses sarnia. but seats were sold out due to the retiring of brenden shanahan's (he played for the london knights a million years ago) jersey or number or whatever it is they retire. since it was snow-raining, didnt bother to make other plans, especially when it involved hauling my ass downtown to meet the off campus people who live so damn close to that place in comparison.
-had the first 'bump in the road' with the boy. it wasnt anything..just a little annoyance..a little realization sorta thing. all good now. it will be nothing but a pebble once the real problems show up later on.
-i was scratching my leg the other day and it felt like a mosquito bit me..you know with the itching and the little hardened mass in the middle. then i forgot about it. i looked a day later and its a big ass bruise and the hardened mass is still there but smaller. so the question of the day is, is the mass there cause of the bruise (like some sort of blood clot thing?) or is the bruise there because i was scratching it harder than i realized?

things while 'studying' at the ucc
chivalry: it made me smile just to watch them. the little things that a lot of us take for granted, like making sure that he gets a chair for her first before finding one for himself...like fixing the wobble in the table once he notices it, or even getting her coffee just cause...all this and he had a cute little accent and messy hair.
Ivey: two business students with laptops plugged in and papers spread across the table with the word 'Ivey' emblazoned on them quietly argue amoungst themselves. words spurt out like 'black and decker scenario' and facts, figures, and margins of all kinds. No matter how stressed out you feel, always look at an ivey person and they'll make you feel better.
friends it started with a group of of two girls. sitting, studying like me. one more joins the group, and another, and another; all people who just were in the ucc too. they turned into one massive huddle of laughter and loud voices. normally i would have been annoyed. but today it made me miss people. i miss the feeling of knowing everyone. i miss the feeling of people stopping me from studying. there have been days that i feel as though im bumping into a million people i know...but they dont happen as often as i would like.
jock this gigantor jock with a walking cast walks by. there is a table covered with everyone's collective garbage. jocks are apparently attracted to shiny things cause he walks up to the garbage table picks up the shiny thing he sees only to realize it is a bit of foil from those plastic/foil gum packages. the look of disappointment and confusion was perfect.
sunshine a pat volpe-esque student walks across the pavement, in full view of all those studying at the ucc with a giant labatt blue i am candian PATIO umbrella. you cannot fully appreciate what i am trying to describe without actually seeing the enormity of this umbrella and the way that the slitted sides bounce as he walked. it was great while watching as the laughter spread across the room as each person saw the spectacle, like fans doing the wave at a baseball game. that man was the sunshine to my rainy day.

there are things i cant explain
trip back home was great...refuelled me for the last three weeks. you know friends that you'll keep throughout your life when you come back and its like you have never left. the fact that i can just pop in and we can talk and go out and do things as though we've been together all along still gives me that warm feeling inside because honestly for a while back there i was worried. i forget that im in toronto when im in toronto now... it just feels as though they are a part of my life all the time.. kinda like if i went to school in toronto but at another campus or soemthing. i'm kinda glad that the big city still has that mystic to it..that i still get a little confused downtown. i dont know if i would want it to all change cause well the city wouldnt look the same to me if i had gone to school there. i like how my two once separate worlds melded together so nicely. i was a little scared that they would clash.

howling
ive been doing a lot of thinking lately..about well the future. i realized that there are a lot of things right now that are up in the air that could affect things later on. and if things go the way they seem to be heading, i might be in trouble. i dont want to end up 'taking care' of people who should not be my responsibility to take care of. just because you did not realize that it is time to grow up and take care of things yourself doesnt mean that i should be the one there to take care of it for you. i want to be able to know that if something does happen, it wont always be me being the one to deal with it. and a part of me doesnt trust them to do it either. and its sad when other people dont get worried about these people til they realize that theres no one there to take care of them anymore. its sad in a way.
in the recent years i've started to realize that my parent's nonchalent way of taking care of us and their busy schedules were a blessing in disguise. they probably feel really guilty about it at times but now i kinda want to thank them. i know it was partly my own personality, but im really glad that i was forced out on my own...forced to deal with things. i think being exposed to stuff at a young age and the fact that i like this independent kick i get once in a while let me be better at this being older thing. i know i can be okay on my own. i get frustrated at people who cant seem to put their lives together. and im not saying that mine is perfect or even remotely stable and i do have the occational breakdown; but i cant deal with the people who cant even seem together for two seconds...people who cannot function even a little while on their own, people who meet up with a little bump in the road and simply think its the end of the world instead of merely dealing with it. i dont want to take care of you just cause you cant take care of yourself. sometimes you gotta actually face the wolves to learn how to fight them.

sometimes you make me so sad...and you don't even know it.

out of the vein
i wonder if i am really able to handle this all. sometimes, and i know this is bad, i wonder what it would be like if it all didnt happen. would i actually be reading this psychology that never seems to get read? would i be in the livng room with my roomates more? would i be better adapted and perhaps happier in that respect than my current situation? i am happy. really happy but if it all didnt happen i wouldnt know how happy i could have been right? its like that movie.. where i think gwenyth paltrow has two life paths..sliding doors? well i actually never watched the movie so i could be totally wrong. im just wondering what if? and i just realied i shouldnt be wondering that and instead living in the now, but the question always manages to find a way back into my mental processes. i always think of all the options...i always weigh out every possibility. its engrained in me. even when i make seemingly rash decisions, the millions of possibilities and decisions have all been looked into in those few seconds. i dunno i think im just doubting everything righ tnow. reevaluating my life a bit. i get like this sometimes.

diggin on you
petrina coming by this weekend was my little bit of home that i hd been yearning for. it was great just to catch up...just to sit there and not necessarily do anything and still be comfortable. i liked that lindsays friends were also over. i like that mallory finally got to stay a weekend instead of going home to work. i'm glad we all got to go dancing together and drunk together and be stupid together. it really has made a difference in my head. i am the only one out of the 7 people that were here this weekend to not be hooked on bust a move. and i really dont think i should get started.

there are so many things whizzing through my head right now. im almost dizzy. the blogging i guess will have to wait til i sort them out cause right now i dont even know what i know anymore.

flu shot tomorrow.

housecleaning
you can affect people in so many different ways without you even knowing that you are.
-i didnt want you to feel that way and would have kept my mouth shut about it if i knew that that was what it would do. i wanted to tell you because i thought that you should know..just like all that stuff you wrote you wrote because you thought i should know.
-the bonds that are between us cannot be broken by a few measly miles. i personally didnt think anything was wrong. i wasnt mad that i didnt know. i didnt think that it was a sign of the impending doom of us. i thought that perhaps because we still talked all the time you just forgot you didnt tell us. i honestly spent like no time analysing that in my head and a lot more time than necessary wondering why if you didnt tell the three of us who did you think you told? lol cause its not like you told 15 and left out 5..you like told one person! lol. i just think its amusing thats all. and next time you feel like thigns are falling apart and you dont have enough hands to hold the pieces together while you wait for the superglue to dry, im always here. i know things arent ideal right now.. but think of all the changes you went through the last five years. things are never static and just when you think they are stuck, you find out theyre not. like who woudl have thought that it took us a good chunk of highschool to actually really find find eachother..
-i want to throw them all into a box and tape it up. i want to deal with them when im ready and able.
-is he gay or not? i cant quite tell...not that i will ever see him again. but he sure makes me wonder. do straight boys have tongue rings?
-i sometimes get so frustrated with her and it makes me feel sad. i cant help it but there are things that really get on my nerves but seem really petty and i cannot bring them up...so oblivious.

according to chinese horoscope rats and horses dont get along
i dont know how he does it. even from 300 kilometers away he still has this grip on me. i hate it. i hate it that even after all these years i'm still affected by it. i hate that even on msn i can hear his voice and hear his emotions and hear the underlying sarcasm and that strange way he says everything that makes me want to hit him and wonder why he had any friends growing up at all. i hate the fact that i am 19 years old and he can still make me cry. i hate the way he makes me feel like shit. i hate that after every conversation with him in person or not, all i want to do afterwards is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. no one should be able to do this to you. its so exhausting the mind games he plays. things may have gotten better since back then, but the issues that have always come between us are still there. he pretends like its okay...but that's all it is-pretending. you can tell by the way he phrases things or by the things he does. things aren't fixed.

he wanted a proper little girl. one who didnt scream, or run around, or did anything 'unfeminine'. children are supposed to be seen not heard would be one of his policies. her brother could run around...he was cute and doing what all boys did when he would crawl over people and accidentally poke them in the eye. she apparently was a dissapointment and well more of challange than he expected (you mean girls aren;t supposed to just want to sit there? i think it was a shock the first time i picked up a bug to show him). he simply wasn't ready for what he thought he was. the girl grew and eventually he got laid off. he was forced to stay at home with the two children. the weekend grocery shopping trips and dinner at home didnt seem so hard, but being a full time father was completely different. the fights started. the girl was stubborn just like her grandma...ironically his own mom. eventually he learned that kids involved more than just feeding and clothing them and things did get better, but he qucikly found that maybe he couldn't adapt quickly enough...the kids seemed to change way too fast.
as she hit her preteens, things turned ugly like in most famillies. she grew up in a westernized world he never had any idea of. her mom tried to tell HIM that girls dont stay in and cook and take care of the family here like his older sister did all those years ago. there was no need for that. and that just because she went out with her friends, it didnt mean she was a tramp gallavanting around town. her mom tried to tell HER that her change probably hit him pretty hard too since she went from the little girl who would be interested in computer games and who helped him to build bookshelves and who would hold his hand grocery shopping to suddenly independent and opinionated. turned out she was not the daughter he imagined or wanted in fact. it was made perfectly clear the night of grade 8 graduation. and yes she did many things to intentionally piss him off and there were months of not speaking to eachother and she was by far not perfect (there was even that one HUGE mistake), but this was a blow that even she was not quite ready for and still has not recovered from.

he still doesnt trust me totally... he says he does but its apparent in everything that he does or says. it would be different if he just said hey i dont trust you..cause then we could at least deal with it. but he hides it and does things that just seem unreasonable. the relationship has never had a chance to fix itself..and by the way things look it probably never will. he loves me.. im pretty sure. and sometimes i know he tries really hard. but its just so much harder to appreciate these things when all the other stuff is... well like this.

i smell like pizza
i am finally settling into a routine...if you can call it that i guess. well its the closest thing to a routine that i have to establish yet. and i despite the fact that i need my life to be somewhat hectic and crazy all the time in order to not get bored, i still need that underlying routine to return to once i get tired; that i know will be there for me to crawl back too when i get scared. and no its not a routine in any sense of the word in a way because there is no schedule to be followed and i still dont know what i am doing a few hours from now...but i think i'm used to things around here now. im used to fighting for the laundry and know when i will most likely get it. i dont even get so frustrated with it any more. my long ass hell tuesdays dont even seem that bad anymore cause i have so many under my belt that that dont phase me. yes theyre still a pain but i know i can get through them cause i have. grocery shopping and going to the bank and liquor store seem more like normal activities instead of major inconviences. i have times set aside to just clean the mess that my room has accumulated that week or so.. so that i dont go crazy from the mess. things like that.. i dont know how to explain it exactly.. hmm.
petrina is coming.. not penta, not pete, not trina.. PETRINA is coming. lol :)

jeremiah was a bullfrog
i dont know whats healthy for me anymore. sometimes i want to scream and just kinda leave it in the corner to fester on its own for a while. sometimes i dont want to deal. sometimes i dont know if im just over reacting. but i hold it in...trying to not cause another petty fight...trying to keep things 'good'. but holding it in is never the answer in my head, but i worry that it may be building..building up .

on another note: i was watching this thing on the life network about doctors without borders. and it really made me want to be a doctor...and not just a doctor but a doctor in bolivia or angola or something. just watching those kids faces made me want to help and be there and travel by rusty truck or days by boat just to get to them so th they wont die. but another part of me knows i would die. it knows i would be the first one to break under the pressure. it knows i cant handle the conditions. sigh.

Question
you know how when you feel a strong emotion, you feel it in your heart? when you miss someone or are heartbroken from one thing or another, there is this weird surge of something that paralyzes you for just a second and you feel it right in your chest. i want to know what causes this. what is exactly in pain right there? why do we feel it there? i know we all relate the heart to emotion, but really biologically, its just an organ there to pump blood. strange how when we feel strongly for something you actually do feel it in your heart in a way..werid.. but WHY?

i'm not alan...stop calling me
i didnt know i could grow so much in a day. there was something about today that made everything worthwhile; that made the crap okay. i woke up sleep deprived and grumpy, and knowingly grumpy too (i still have yet to determine whether it is worse or better than unknowingly grumpy..cause i hate it that everytime i say or do something, i wanna hit myself for being such a bitch). i showered and ate, all the while thinking about whether or not i could in fact make it into toronto, even though i had already resolvednot to go this weekend. at this point, i just wanted something to look forward to...something to get me out. needless to say, it had finally sunk in that the exam-physics of all subjects was today...and that i had a good chance of not doing so well. i went to my nine o'clock class and was incredibly restless in the chair; to a point where my back started to hurt from all my moving around and bad posture. jess honestly made all the difference today. i could not have done that last minute 5 hour study session without her..and the coffee..and the manchu wok (that we both had for the first time in years). and despite this day which consisted of 10 hours devoted to either a physics lecture, physics studying, physics tutorial, or physics exam, it was nice to get that feeling of finding someone that finally understands you...who you can talk to in noises like i talk to the people back home and who doesnt think im crazy for doing so...who knows that the last couple of hours while digesting dinner CANNOT be spent studying and must be spent doing frivilous (sp?) things such as watching downloaded episodes of that 70s show, but still knowing that in the last 20 minutes or so before the test, a quick review of the notes and equations is a must.
also got to know the roomie just a little bit better. feeling nothing but good vibes. and i like how even through the shitty days, a little light comes through. i like that i can still find the good stuff..i like it a lot.

kennedy road
these past few days have certainly been an experience. and well the spontaneous and-not-so-well thought out move i made certainly added to the craziness. i dont think he's ready for crazy ang just yet..lol but it was nice, and i felt grown up. it may be bizarre, but in a way, it felt like my own place.. like we just always wake up and i go walk to get lunch for us and we sit and watch tv...like it was something we do everyday. and it was great getting to know the other side that no one sees. he's really cute with his brother. i can't help but have a perma-smile whenever i see them together. seeing him with his family makes me kinda want to have the same sorta connection in a way. i think i am finally seeing what i missed out on all these years. whether or not i actually make the effort is another thing entirely however. our families are made of different stuff. saw matrix three today, whcih was a pretty good movie, even depsite the fact tht i dont remember the first one and didnt see the second one. i secretly giggled to myself as he bought the tickets. it was just such a 'date' thing that i had yet to experience.
i know we both knew this wasn't going to be easy...but i also didnt quite expect it to be this hard. its strange but i think im falling for this boy..really falling. didnt think that run-away ang would say that huh? but im still looking for whatever it is that will ruin things to come along. not that im actively looking for it. i just realize that you know, this thing may not be forever...and that i choose to take it day by day. and its true, in many ways i am a commitmentophobe (i think i just made up another word..add it to the dictionary)

random
funny how when you see or smell or experience some things, it reminds you SO much of someone else that it hurts to not have them there.

sometimes i have to just learn to deal with the fact that im gonna miss out on things. ive missed out on things before cause of work and whatnot...now i miss outbecause im in london.

no matter how stagnant things seem, theyre always moving...you just dont notice the change til later.. kinda like how the earth is always moving around the sun, but you dont notice it until you see the season change and whatnot... eww did i just relate somethign to science.. haha FREAK.

sometimes other people know what you need more than you do and you should just listen to them.

conversations had by pressing two separate phone receivers (or their equivalents) together are the best...especailly when its with my two.

t-shirts in october
the true beauty of the campus cannot be appreciated until you clear out the tousands of people who wander through it on a daily basis and leave maybe about fifty, drifting about the streets. you only then begin to really notice the way the leaves have changed colours nd have fallen to the floor how they compliment the limestone of the buildings. the streets seem different and the familiar buildings are seen from a new pespective. they look older, more distinguished. even though my friday labs, which end at 5 are a pain in the butt, i appreciate that i can see campus cleared out this way every so often. its really different...really. so much so that the same path that i take everyday from the same building i have my lab in looked so different, for a second i almost took another way..because simply it wasnt the same to me. i started to wish i knew more photography and had an SLR i actually knew how to use. there are some pictures i want to take...crevices i want to explore i guess.. . im thinking that maybe i good 35mm loaded with black and white might suffice.

it is beauuuutiful outside
waking up with the sun shining in and going outside and realizing it is a beautiful 20 degrees can only make the beginings of a great day. it doesnt take much to make this girl happy.

gentle
i learned something today from someone very close. after the familliar feeling of the pang in my heart subsided, i felt stupid because tears started to fill my eyes as i read what was written. never had anyone said anything like that me me before. never had i felt so special. it was as if you knew that it was what i needed to hear... and not even necessarily from you but from anyone at all. it was like it filled some void that i had, that had been ignored. you don't understand what those few sentences did to me just now, but it did a lot...
i don't know exactly what or how, but i know ive been changed a little.

3 days
the exam is on saturday. it's wednesday and i have yet to start studying. i was fine with it until i started talking to people and it seems as though everyone has already started to read up and do questions and panic. its not that i really think im ready...i actully NEED to study. but this is what ward has done. nothing gets done til it HAS to get done. i can cram information in my head and half ass things like no one's business. im not sure anymore whether these are just bad habits that ive picked up or whether these are survival skills im glad i have. its also made me realize that could be really really good student here.. if i tried harder.. but right now i dont think im willing..

i feel good walking through campus.
grown up
scholarly
independent
coy...hahah yes coy
fresh
reinvented
at home
i am woman hear me roar..lol

crash...into me.
i used to worry when people found out; i tried to protect him in a way i guess. i wasnt sure if he was indeed as fragile as i thought he was at times and thought that maybe he would break once a wave came crashing in. yes i thought that it was stupid...that it had to be this way. yes i was a little frustrated..i mean who cares right? but i did it nonetheless.
im not sure what happened or if i just became aware of things, but i think its okay now. i dont have to worry so much. its strange how he doesnt see it; how he doesnt fully realize how things are; how to him people just go to me not because there is a reason to but just because. i see him opening up in front of me. things certainly have changed. maybe i just didnt see it all before.

dundas and richmond
and for a moment it was just the two of us; walking down the rain-slicked sidewalk. the umbrella being held over my head and my hand in his - oblivious of the people probably giggling behind.

and then leo came charging at us like a friggin moose.

walking the sidewalk
this weekend went by in a blur, so fast that i have yet to still realize that it has come and gone and all of the things that i did in between their actual arrival and their departure actually happened. there is nothing really to say about this weekend. nothing monumental hapened. nothing we did was extrodinary. it was the little things like watching my friends being stupid because they are addicted to a video game; or reaffirming a 90% bond that you knew was there all along; or coming home knowing that you wont be able to wipe that stupid smile off your face once you enter the room. it was awesome having the group of us together like that again. sigh it makes me wish that somehow mary ward had ended up coming here because it made me realize that although we were all from different groups and whatnot we didnt care all that much and still all liked eachother. oh we would teach western a thing or two.

karen
i wonder when kids start to notice differences in the way people look; when they start to see what makes one person not like another; when they start to care. i was looking at a drawing my cousin sent to me. she's 8. its of me and her and we look pretty much identical because she only knows how to draw girls one way. the only thing that makes her and i different is that her eyes are hazel and her hair light brown, while mine are brown and black respectively. i still remember the days when she used to draw my hair light brown and my eyes hazel just because hers were.

blueberry muffins remind me of home
they're coming...and i can't help but feel a little nervous. school has become essentially its own little world for me. theres the school reality and then there's also the separate reality that i seem to step into once back in scarborough. they both are a part of me but have never really coincided even though there are many people i encounter that are involved in both. so yes, the bubble that is western must find a way to make room for two more...at least for this weekend.

and as everything here continues i sometimes take a little break out of my day and drown out bits and pieces of lectures with my own thoughts. and all those tv shows which had a big part in raising me keep on playing in my head. and now it feels as though i am living through it... i am now one of those girls who makes those trips home. i am now one of those girls who has people coming to stay. its weird...

jackie is studying...i should be too
i'm in love with my professors.. but not in a sexual way.
i love the way my chemistry teacher talks.. his accent, which is british (we think) and his little boy-ish mannerisms make him the cutest old man on campus. last class someone dropped a glass bottle and the 'ping' of it hitting the linoleum floor makes him perk up from the overhead he is writting on, and he asks, "vodka?" its better if you hear the accent and see the innocent droopy face that accompanies it..
my calc teacher is terrible, so maybe this is an exception. if anything he provides me with entertainment and a new appreciation for ms kopach (thats right i've said it) but he is little, has a little scratchy, nasily voice, and oversized glasses. he reminds me of beastly from the care bears. and im not exaggerating. his stupidity and the ways in which he interacts with our class clearly indicates that he didnt have many friends as a child..and he clearly doesnt have many now. although one time i saw him and his other little old proffessor friends running a few laps around our rugby field. *shivers*
my psych teacher has ways of making psych really interesting.. i admire how he finds ways to get the class involved. i laugh at least once every lecture with him. today we were talkign about dreams and fantasies. he asked what the number one thing people fantasize about. 1200 students yelled out SEX, only to find out we were wrong (it's failure and success by the way). his rule is if the temperature is still in the double digits, he doesnt have to wear real pants. ( he wears shorts or capris by the way.. yes picture patch adams in khaki capris!! lol)

turning things upside down
my new past time is rearranging my room..going through my drawers and rediscovering what is in them...even though i only filled them about a month ago (hardly enough time to justify the rediscovering). even though im more than settled... im always looking for ways to improve. and right now the space is still new..still has things about it that i have yet to find...even though it is essentially a box. how many times have a i moved the rug around already? how many times have i rearranged the items tacked onto my cork board? how many times have i looked behind me yearning for more pictures to add to my wall? it is definintly therapeutic in a way for me...a way to constructively distract me from work.. something with a concrete result i can actually see. i dont sty static. i get bored. its reflected in the way i sit, the way i eat the way i do everything.

hmm i just realized that jaxs locks the bathroom door when shes in there.. at least it sounds like she locks it.. she's scared of me going in there? lol

smiling stupidly
but if you wake up one morning and i look like im dying or im really ugly or something dont run away

and that is why i'm happy.

i dont care as much as you think.


it says a lot. really.

sometimes
i'm scared to death to let you in right now. scared that you'll see and just want to run away. scared that i may come on too strong. scared that maybe i'm not what you thought i was. i worry that one day i might trip and fall and get up only to see you leave. sometimes i may be reading your reactions the wrong way and i know sometimes mine are read wrong too. i wonder if sometimes i am expecting too much....things that in your head you have no intentions of fulfilling. sometimes i think i am trying too hard and get disgusted with myself for being so stupid. to tell you the truth, i think i was just getting accustomed to my box. it began to reflect me. and its not as though i dont want to invite you in but im still not used to it and need that little something to hold on to. not many people will understand why but for those close to me, you know that in the end im more insecure about things than it seems...and i hate it.

skidding along
im sitting here unmotivated, uninspired, un-everything. it's a blah day and i cant afford itbeing a blah day today. theres so much to do.. so much i dont want to deal with right now. everything just seems to be in the same shade of grey. nothing exciting; but nothing bad either. i think things as of this moment are just too mundane. there is no news. there is nothing exciting. i am sitting here staring.

today's exam prep timeline
900-physics class... i manged to lug all my calc books to class with me so that i can walk straight to jeff's afterwards to study
10:00 get to jeff's place. he's still sleeping. luckily the phone in his room rings very loudly.
11:00 actually find a place to study. mind you we are technically studying..but we are also technically talking and eating and making fun of people.
12:30 lunch time...which is followed by a few games of pool. by the way i still suck but jeff didnt beat me by THAT much. i had only one or two balls. i do have the occational pool shark moments.
2:00 back at jeff's room. we're packing. he showers, im on the computer emailing, downloding music for him for this weekend.
3:30 downstairs again to finish studying calc.
430 we leave to go pick up the car with two of jeff's floormates and head to the mall. well actually one of them was forced to come cause we wouldnt go without her.. even though she was REALLY studying.
520: come back, jeff makes sure he has everything ready to go, while i nao on his bed. we pack his car.
5:45 on our way to get steph and go grocery shopping. (yes, this is what we are doing an hour and fifteen minutes before our exam).
607 out of the grocery store and we go to drop off the groceries at my place and at steph's.
6:37 we grab a slice of pizza and bottle of water for the drive back to jeff's.
6:43 leave jeff's place and are on our way to the exam.

so yeah there was maybe 2-3 hours of actual studying...and its funny because last year this would never had happened. who goes grocery shopping an hour before their exam.. lol thanks for the day jeff.. have fun at home. now off to study for psych tomrrow at 9

ba da ba ba bum
so the craziness has really begun to take hold. the midterms, the big-ass tests (quarter terms?) and right now it seems like almost a little too much on top of everything else. i guess i should be glad that its relatively spread out. it isnt going to be like this for the christmas exams.

today was just one of those good days that's a good day without any real reason. i was walking through campus in my peacoat, backpack and a coffee in my hand. the leaves were falling off the trees in different colours and the wind, which was little too strong actually was picking them up and swirling them at my feet. it all felt really good. it felt like the image of university that i pictured when i was smaller. i felt old all of a sudden. not a bad old, but rather a mature old. and i noticed myself walking taller... perhaps a little bit more confidently.. lol it was good.. i do belong here.

grasping
i have a smile on my face. and if i had more time i would try to explain how much the weekend meant to me.... but i must go cram for calc and psychology. too bad these tests had to ruin a perfectly good week...lol

another sip of water
no matter how busy it gets here, when its all done and over with, it doesn't seem so bad in hindsight. but i guess that can be said for a lot of things. this week was crazy...so many things due, so many things to get done. but now after it is all past, it doesn't seem like i did anything at all.
im excited to come home. and even though the inital plan was not to come home til this thanksgiving weekend, i needed those trips in between more than i thought. i'm still a scarborough girl in more ways than i want to admit. i still somehow can't understand how the montreal girls were so able to separate themselves from everything 'home'. maybe i wasn't as ready as i thought. maybe i'm more attached than i knew. and i'm not saying i'm not ready to be on my own, cause we all know i was itching to get out of there.. to get out of everything; i'm not saying that i haven't changed either-cause i have (a lot actually i've noticed); but i wasn't quite ready to let go of it all either i guess. i've been thinking and maybe some of it has to do with some deep-rooted insecurity that will one day be revealed while lying down talking to my high-priced psychiatrist. even though i knew i wasn't going to lose everyone, there was still the chance of it. going back and seeing everything more or less..or rather everything really important to me was still the same sorta of qwelled my fears i guess you can say. i'm not the type of person who can simply go 'screw you' and walk away from someone or a situation unaffected. i become attached, too attached sometimes...and i cant just separate myself like so many others. the people who surrounded me were my family in a sense in a whole different way than my real one. its stupid i know but i needed to know that they would still be there. and it really made all the difference coming back and staying here and going on with everything knowing that. i saw the change in the others who went back also..wwe're all a little more screwed up than we realize i guess.

tuesdays
Tuesday, which have been dubbed 'hell day' because of its 10-9 schedule was actually not that bad today. and i actually attended all the 8 hours that i had to instead of skipping out on a class here or there.
-had lunch on campus with roomate...m turn this into tradition because its nice talking to her and plus it saves me the trouble of running home between classes. mmm greek salad. im craving vegetables here. every vergetable they serve in the caf ends up as overcooked mush.
-had to refrain from coughing for a good 15-20 minutes while in the student health centre. before you can go in you have to fill out a sars sheet. and if i had told the truth and put that i had a cough, i would have been sent home and told to come back in a week. so i lied and stopped myself from coughing... which was kinda hard. but it was either that or get thrown into university jail for lying on that thing.
-i dont know anything about the interworkings of computers. what the hell is an IP address and why is it having conflicts?

also, yesterday night was the first real bio lab. it was that gel electrophoresis that i already did in ap...the DNA fingerprinting thing where the DNA separates. but this time we all looked like we were employed in a research lab as opposed to us just trying really hard not to spill anything last year. we were in lab coats, with our goggles on, and with 300 dollar micropipettes in our hands transferring DNA...it just made everything soo much better. it was a really good lab for me. and for an instant i could totally see myself working in a lab like that. it's times like that that i realize that i really do belong in university despite the stress and work and whatnot.

dizzy
you dont think it makes much of a difference but it does. i can't help but burst into a sporatic smile while going on about my day. its so foreign right now. its the little things ...like even reading something and seeing certain things now and knowing its not just someone else this time kind of blows me away.

i left a few things back in toronto
so a lot has happened this weekend and i think im still trying to wrap my brain around a lot of it. it was supposed to be an in and out weekend of not seeing anyone except for dr. ng and family friends. its ended up not being anything like that at all.
it almost didnt happen. i almost ran away...and i think i would have if he had not brought it up. i didnt really know what to do and the uncertainly well i guess got the better of me. he's the first one...the one im supposed to remember forever...the one im supposed to compare all subsequent ones to.. the one that was supposed to happen when im 13 and not 19..lol. and yes i felt little as i secretly blushed and tried to hold the smiles in but this whole thing is all new. i didnt know it would be this hard. to even decide what we 'are'. yes we're awkward and stupid. but in a way, at least were awkward and stupid together. it may take us longer...sometimes frustratingly longer but yeah... its not as easy as i pictured it all to be.. and as we all know i hate putting myself out on a limb. i had to ask in the end, but it turned out good.. i think.

nachos and cheese
i wonder a lot if the things i am involved in right now are worth it. the headaches, the time, the trouble im dealing with -if in the end its all going to pay off or if its going to blow up in my face. but i guess right now to me, everything is worth the trouble cause im still doing it all right? its hard to convince myself sometimes.

tuesdays are my bitchy days
my chem lab partner is kinda stuck up. she likes to flaunt her 'intelligence' to all those around her. but the thing is she isn't that smart. shes average. and she says things that make me wanna go, "hey im not stupid". so i say things back to make her feel stupid. i want to hit her sometimes. our lab guy jokingly called her a jackass for hoggin gthe tape...so i repeated it saying, hahaha (insert name here) is a jackass as loud as i could...just so i could vent out the sentiment without actually looking like i meant it. people are aware that shes like that. it was mean, but funny.
i came home from my 6-9 lab to china food thanks to jaxs.. luv you.. so omuch.. *muah*

too many hashbrowns this morning
i've noticed that since i got here, i have had an extremely large amount of deja vus...well as far as deja vus go at least. its weird cause its not so much that i feel as though i have experienced it before, but more of a feeling like i dreamt it all before... like i was psychic or something (not saying i am of course). i've been trying to wrap my head around it for a while now. for example this one time i glanced down on my carpet while putting on my socks: it hit me that i had this exact view in a dream or something before. and in a way i remember it in a dream..and me being confused after i woke up as i tried to figure out why i would have a blue and white carpet under me EVER with a fushia thing next to my leg. there is no way i could have known what these thigns would look like because really i have never even thought of owning them before. there was another one i remember on the day of my first lab. i think it was someone's shirt and the faucet in front of them that triggered it. i swear i saw the same exact situation before but in a dream. there are more.. many. i thought i was going crazy for a while.. i thought maybe i saw myself at western all along...i thought of all the other things that i seem to dream about and i got scared because theyre not all good.

reading about the arranged marriages
im reading this special in the star. i found it about half way through the series and have already missed many, so i went to the internet and am starting from the begining. i didnt realize it had such a sad start. reading parts of it made me heart hurt to realize that this is actually what he was going through. he's a boy from scarborough, who took pictures with the girl he loved at cederbrae mall and who sat along the cliffs at the scarborough bluffs and attended york university. i cant help but feel that this boy..well man now, could be anyone of us. and i think this instant connection made his story all the more real..like it was happening to someone i know..someone right now. to have to lose someone like that and then have them reappear out of the blue... it hurts. but i dont think i would ever do what he did.

VIP club toasted on white
the floor luncheon, which was supposed to have been attended by the 45 people on our floor turned out to be a 15 guest event. but what would you expect when EVERYONE was going home this weekend. no suite had all its occupants...many were left with only one or two. then there are always the people too hung over to come. i made sure i wasnt dead last night. and im glad i woke up in time to get ready. i still dont know all of their names, but i guess the effort was worth it this time. i almost didn't go. and hey the pedo that i have as an RA is actually turning into someone i dont mind hanging around.lol

where the boys are pretty and the 'women' are boys
i think i enjoyed the gay club more than the other ones i normally go to. they have fun music that you can dance EC style to..like madonna but the dance version. they have boys that look and smell good who smile when they look at you as opposed to sweaty gross guys who stare and oggle. they have people who say sorry when they bump into you or pat you bum when you get in the way. they have boys who you can hug and dance playful nasty with without worrying and who will also sing the song at the top of their lungs with you. i felt more comfortable dancing with the strangers. and if youre ever bored, theres always the transvestites to look at or the boys looking at themselves dancing in the mirror..lol and yes they actually do that.

loved ones need to shut up sometimes
every time my mom calls, i still feel as though she calls to criticize. every conversation turns into me trying to defend whatever the hell i just said that seemed to disagree with her. so what if i dont always like the food in the cafeteria? i'm sure im not the first person to have said this. so what if i said i like to cook at home better? she couldnt just leave it.. she had to ask why i didnt like the food when other people did. she wanted to know what i was cooking at home if i didnt like the white people food downstairs and i didnt care much for chinese food either. and here i m at 1030 in the morning barely cohearent trying to explain to my mother its not really the type of food rather the food itself that i find offensive. i said i liked it sometimes, but apparently to her you cant like something sometimes.

by the way, im STILL scared of my bio lab partner.
i swear she IS the bully tht ashley was scared of on Fresh Prince of Belair. im convinced.
oh man.. hahhaha

hey CROW
at lunch i sat with the guy that lives across the hall and a football player while watching saved by the bell (which by the way seems to be ALWAYS on). to a person that does not go to a public school with a football team, watch any sports whatsoever, nor cares much about them, it was almost surreal as i sat there in the conversation TALKING about our chances at winning and whatnot with this football guy. the only thing i managed to say was when we were talking about them not playing toronto (u of t) and i quipped in "yeah toronto shouldnt bother having a team, they don't do anything" (sorry petrina but you know its true). this all coming from that one newspaper article on the standings among the universities and my sad conclusion that i didnt even know that toronto had a team so that and their crappy almost last place standing MEANT they sucked and always will suck. luckily my made up conclusion was right and i got agreements all around the table. phew.

i know you were expecting something else
you think you're ready to deal with something at last, but then something tells you that maybe you're not quite up for it afterall. i slowly started to back out and after a while i could tell that maybe he wasn't ready for it either. so why push something we both really dont wanna do? yes things are really screwed up the way they are now, and really i have no idea of my 'place' in anything; and it would be nice to finally get to that step. but really i dont think im up for dealing with it anymore. its hard...REALLY hard sometimes. and we both are people who would rather run. i figure i dont deserve it if im not even willing to fight for it. as with a lot of things in life, im gonna let it just process and see where it goes. im tired of saying things and doing things only to hit a wall. i've hit it before and can surely hit it again. and its damn painful. so no risks this time. i dont think im brave enough to leap.
okay im shutting up.. i hate when i get like this.

drum roll please
i think i might be willing to give it a try. but i guess the 'terms' need to be worked out. hahaha wow i can make anything sound like a business deal. i just wish i wasnt doing all the talking and he would make it easier and meet me half way. as of right now, that could ruin things cause i know i will get frustrated and decide to run.

b is for brown
i like brown. its my new favourite colour. but despite what everyone thinks, i think brown is a trickier colour than most people consider it to be. well for me anyways. i would never wear brown with yellow or orange. reminds me too much of bad 70s shag carpet. i like dark browns over light. but i like browns and you can never do TOO much brown cause there are soo many shades. black you can overdo...blue too.. which is what i have found alot of my wardrobe to consist of. i need clothes. five years at ward has left me with no clue how to dress myself everyday and have to MATCH things. and when theres only so much stuff to chose from too.. well i guess its going to be an adventure to masonville this weekend while everyone is gone.

early transcendentals
i'm not good at making decisions. its something that is embedded into my personality and just comes with being me. and to tell you the truth right now, i just want to say no to it all to make all the struggles go away. this way i wouldnt be thinking about it during class while i should be listening to the professor. this way i wouldnt be distracted from homework because i would rather be doing..well you know what. this way i wouldnt have to deal with how this is all going to work out. this way i wouldn't feel obligated or guilty. this way i can finally go back to forgetting, which in a way is easier. and yes maybe im just chickening out but maybe its also better this way to. i dont know if i want MORE of a challenge right now. things are already crazy enough. and in a way i want something else, which is kinda mean if you actually understood it but yeah...

strawberry pancakes
i like my mornings. sorta. its not the waking up but rather the half an hour i get to just sit, eat and watch tv. i get up two hours before i have to leave in order to get it, but its worth it. i find i cant just rush out of the door anymore. i like to have time in between to just kinda sit alone for a while.

people shouldnt read msn history..it just makes you torture yourself for no good reason..sigh

pop, burst, fizzle fizzle
i live in a bubble. i thought i was uninformed about current events before, but this is ridiculus. there's a friggin' hurricane killing thousands of people and destroying everything in its path..and not only that, its bringing crazy rain, wind and its making people in toronto panic and i did not know of its existence until last week. its a HURRICANE for goodness sakes. i've found that the perimeter of the campus is impermeable to anything from the outside world except for groceries, alcohol, clothes, and people. its as though once you step over the threshold, your mind is erased of everything. what else is happening out there? *knock Knock* tomorrow is saturday. i have a beckers across the street. i will buy a saturday star and devour it. i will beat the bubble and learn things about the middle east, and why i saw yassir arafat on the tv yelling at the american news interviewer. i will find out who exactly is running in this election thing. i will find out what movies are actually playing in real theatres. if you were here, you would think that this homecoming thing was the most important thing happening in the world right now.. like its the olympics or something.

you made me smile last night.. the kind of smile that is genuine and makes you feel all warm inside. the kind of smile that is followed by a tug in your heart. the kind of smile that makes you wanna change things. the kind of smile that forces you to open your eyes.

i am physics queen...at least thats what i tell myself
-about an hour and a half before my first university quiz. oh man...
however, less scary than my first highschool test now that i think about it.
-it is homecoming here this weekend. what the hell is homecoming? can someone please explain this concept. apparently a lot of people are excited.
-brass munk was fun. they said hi to their 'mary ward crew' hahaha. we talked with the little asian one.
-i think i have found a new study space...in the library. however it is right next to the starbucks, which is never good news
-i need more vegtables
-i wish it wasnt perma-raining here so i would be more excited about going dancing tonight. right now i feel blah

thinking again
no matter how hard i try to pretend or convince myself otherwise, im still the silly little girl that cares too much about stupid things and who gets easily excited and who has an incredibly soft underbelly that she keeps heavily guarded. yes i may be loud at times, vocal about all my problems, and seemingly open. sometimes i get myself convinced that perhaps i have moved past my problems; moved past my insecurities and have developed that 'toughness' i have always wanted. i hate being the person to cry once someone yells or to be so stupid that i get frustrated with MYSELF, or the person that reverts back to the shy, mute 4th grader whenever the situation seems to get a little overwhelming. i've always admired people for their independence, their self-confidence, and infectious personalities. i merely pretend. i guess who's to know that they're not pretending right? everyone has their own closet of skeletons i suppose.

well look at that
i am really starting to feel a sense of comfort here, much to my surprise. it wasnt as though i was uncomfortable before (well i was for a bit) but its starting to actually feel like my school. im starting to meet more normal people and talk about normal everyday things instead of the fake small talk i got so annoyed at. the labs and tutorials DO help..well some more than others i guess. i still dont bump into familiar faces as often as i would like but its starting to be okay i can feel it. its honestly a great feeling going into clss and knowing there will be someone there that you know waiting.
the clubs here are a big disappointment...there ISNT a club for everyone. they think there is but not for ang...new thing on list: second year start a club (provided its not too hard to)

hmm.. i wonder what my horoscope said for this month...

upsidedownagain
so nothing happened afteral, even after the freak out. and i honestly cannot say i was disappointed. after a conversation today, it really hit me that if it had actally occured, i dont know what i would have done. things just got so messed up you know? and most of the freak out was because of this reason. im just here.. hi

in need of a little advice
i should be in a physics lecture right now...but i got up and dressed and was already out of the door and changed my mind and walked right back in and took my shoes off. i wasnt going in. it looks miserable outside and technically i already learned this stuff..twice now.
so things got a little interesting last night and yes i needed my moo to freak out to. its times like these that i thank the genius that created the labatt blue line..lol
i'm sure it can't be anything bad, but man it doesnt matter what it is anymore because no matter what happens, it will be bad just because of the situation. i'm just waiting for it to happen cause im so curious but at the same time hoping it doesn't. i'm so confused i dont know what i feel. yeah i dont try to understand myself anymore...

better the second time around
there was something about the visit this time; something about it that allowed me to come back and feel okay about being here. i dont know if it was just a realization that nothing really has changed afterall, or that maybe we are not that far away, or maybe something entirely different that i just cant explain, but what i can say is that it changed me...even if only slightly. i'm more comfortable here now, and on the 2 hour drive up, i no longer felt any pangs of homesickness or fears of impending doom that i had felt on previous trips. could it be a new sense of security? i dont know. needlesstosay the trip and the many people who were apart of the friend-filled weekend was what i needed. hahaha scarborough day.lol

packing...sorta
i didn't think it would turn into something this big. i feel almost princess-y. hahaha. well i do. shut up. and although i was unsure of whether or not to come back so soon, im sooo glad i am making the trip now. what moo said was true, i dont think we realized how much we missed eachother's company until i knew i was coming back for a while. i wish it was a longer trip, not the one day that im really going to be in for, but my schedule's not as nice a jeff's who can leave thursday evening if he wants. i can't wait to see everyone. i thought all those emotions were put behind me now, but oh man they just might resurface. just one more class at 4 and then an interesting trip to the bus station and i'll be home.

just one of 'em days
today in my psychology class, the teacher told us to turn the page of the handout that was distributed, and the roar of over 1200 rustling papers filled the room. that one little sound, echoed 1200 times created an incredible amount of noise. it made me realize the enormity of the class, and how insignificant i, and my sad little rustle was. i think that's the biggest thing i've had to deal with here. i didn't mind so much being different, i minded the fact that i was lost. its a new sense of lonely, but at the same time mixed with feelings of excitement as i explore... its really strange actually.
the girls here make me want to develop an eating disorder and dye my hair blonde.. haha okay i dont really mean that, but wow i think i understand how come girls go to such extremes to get 'the look' cause when youre different in a cookie cutter world, youre REALLY different.

wishing you were here
while freezing on the hill for closing ceremonies, among the many cheers, music, and random noises i heard throughout it all, one song stood out. there was just something about it. and its not as though ive never heard it before, when it was popular it played quite often in fact, but this was the first time it meant something to me; the first time i felt something from it. it was like a tingle or weird electric shock went through me. it reminded me of a certain someone and at that moment i would have done anything to be with them. it made me kinda regret not coming home this weekend. i know two and a half hours isnt far away but its still enough. and despite my better judgment, i'm letting it happen all over again.

wrist checks
things have started to settle down. STARTED. we still ahve frosh going onwhich turns things a little crazy. i think i might be getting sick. i can feel myself getting weaker. this is what no sleep does to ang. gotta start popping those vitamins. although it took a while, i am getting used to the fact that i'm walking around alone, going into massive classes filled with hundreds of people and sitting beside a complete stranger. but ive met far more people this way than i have during the first few days of frosh, which were forgettable. i made my way to the td bank on the outskirts of the other side of campus. i;ve decided to get a presidents choice account so i can use the cibc here. td builds fuckin stadium here but cant put in an automatic teller. meeting up with nicole later to find her roomate and have some adventures downtown. yeah i nkow im skipping out on frosh but i think im over it. i dont NEED to go to a carnival.

i want to take off these wristbands that do nothing more than identify me as frosh (and get me into some events). i liked walking around campus annonymous with my sweatshirt over the unmistakable bright blue band. older students alwasy loko at you and you see their eyes dart straight to your arm for the wrist check. but it goes the other way around too...frosh alws do the wrist check before talking to others. i do it too.. its kinda funny. no one talks to me when they cant se emy wristband.

flippin coins
it was going great..until suddenly it wasnt. i dont know what i did wrong. i could even be imagining this problem. but i really feel as though something is up because well..dammit dont ask. i dont know what i did to make it bad and maybe i do have an idea but im not even sure. oh man why cant people just say why theyre pissed off? it would make everyone's lives a whole lot easier. i would know why i suck and you would get it resolved. its times like these that i understand why sometimes things are the way they are and havent turned into anything more. because if there were, i wouldnt be allowed to push the hurt and whatnot aside, telling myself that i shouldnt expect things and i shouldnt get my hopes up. its hard when you dont know really. okay im going to sleep.

no woman no cry
tomrrow is classes and although a part of me is yearning for something more than meaningless craziness, i am of course also deathly afraid. im not expecting the classes to be that hard, but even today, after talking to professors and having them give us brief 'talk/presentation' about their subject, i was hit in the face with how much i didnt know. there were things that seemed as though it came so naturally to some, like naming the three most abundant elements on earth. things like this i do not know and things like this make me realize that i am in a much bigger pond with far more fishes to compete with. i dont know if im ready for that shot at the ego. i like being on top, maybe not at the peak, but close enough. its scary how if i had dropped three more percent, i may not have made it. i am tired.. but its DISCO SCI tonight, whatever that means

swirling
there is so much stuff happening and even though i am unsure whether i want to be apart of it all sometimes, im glad i am here nonetheless. there is so much to tell and to show but it is 2:41 and havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night since frosh started. and if you know me well, you'll know that im starting to die. its weird how not only are things here changing, everything, even at home has responded as well. only time will tell i guess. thank god for pictures and msn and webcams and microphones. without them i dont know what i would have done. a part of me is still convinced that this is all a trip.. like queens and that i;ll be packing up soon. i need to definitly thank my girls for all the birthday stuff that now hangs in my room. my palm tree is standing tall and for pet who insisted i take the boards of pictures when i was unsure whether i will have anywhere to put them... they helped a lot.