the italian job
i bothers me that sometimes people who deserve it don't get treated as they should. i wonder if they even see that they deserve better. i wonder why they haven't given up; even after all the crap, all the assness, all the supernice and then shit. Yes some things may have been said, but it is obvious that through the actions the words were not as solid as first seemed. i worry cause i know with every false, stupid move someone i love is getting hurt no matter what kind of front is being put up.

i know he was ruined and that i gave up on him, but im semi-impressed with the effort he's making even though sometimes i worry. maybe its just seeing other people not doing anything that is making it all look even better, but he actually surprised me. i didnt mean to doubt or hurt him, but i seriously thought that nothing was done, and that he really didnt care. it honestly made me smile when i found out it was practically taken care of, that he was trying, and that he is coming to something no boy should ever want to go to, despite the fact that he was pretty much forced into it.

when i wake up early now, its because i want to do something that early and not because i am forced into getting up that early (well at least not for anything i dont get paid for). its a beautiful feeling. and the plan to make them ours is well underway oh dont you worry moo.

la ista bonita(what does that mean again?)
it's all over with, and i know it hasn't truly sunk in yet. i feel as though i still need to get up and go to school, still need to be wary of unit dates, still need to be on my toes, even if only for a little bit. i actually dont have to do anything school related tomrrow that i dont want to do. it's great.. absolutly great.. but oh man three days of work ahead of me too..
prom and grad are next week. looking at those dates on a calendar made it seem like we had so much time between the end of school and the actual events that marked them. but wow its soo close.. *squeal*

it is 9:17 am. i am determined to study for this final. i even got up and showered and put on my uniform hoping that some of the residual school goodness may rub off and actually give me some drive to do work.. or that somehow my brain has connected this unifrom with work and thus i will do some. i didnt care last night. i really didnt. i have never really not cared about anything as much before. no matter how much you tell yourself to just suck it in one more time and sit there and read and do problems, you just wont. hopefully it wont blow up in my face.. ugh..

seeing the finish line
there is one more to do. i can;t believe it has finally come to this. okay, yes i can believe it, but it is still in a sense surreal. i realized only today after talking to moo how close grad and prom and everything really is... two weeks is nothing. here i am thinking i have all the time in the world to get everything done..to have fun.. but wow summer is going to pass faster than ever this year. i;m working a lot next week.. i have no time for anything. so tomrrow is a day of ang goodness downtown with my discman and a book?
things i need/want:
-prom shoes
-to fix my dress (hopefully after i find prom shoes)
-a big summer bag. one where you can throw almost anything in.. a book, a discman... the kitchen sink...
-a camera
-a tan
-a lost of where everyone has decided to go next year, even if its just stay at home, not go to school and be a squeegee kid.
-to buy the stuff to do my grad presents..which dont look like they are happenning, but i can always try
-to find my ta the perfect gift.

i'm sorry if i haven't been myself. these past few weeks have been a roller coaster of being fine to totally stressed to fine again. the end is near. i see the light at the end of the tunnel.

you know youre lucky when you have places to go when you cant go home..even if its just because i live a little too far. i sometimes wonder if these people's families question if i am in fact homeless. i mean they sometimes see me enough to think that could be a possibility..lol

i think that summer has hit me a little too hard. i still have exams and somehow magically forgot that fact and am heading into summer at full force.

glowing from grandparent goodness
its decided. and i know it. even when my grandma was secretly disappointed by my decision and i had second thoughts, i knew that i was going and didnt let it get to me. but i love her still cause she was nonetheless still proud and only talked about the merits of western verses mcgill (where my engineering cousin went) and u of t after i had left the phone and gone upstairs seemingly out of earshot. i lovehow proud she is of me right now. she's coming to grad. i think it might actually be the first one shes gone to. im not sure whether it is the maturity, the distance or both, but our relationship, although less now than it was beofre isso much greater.

sometimes i need a runner up
i know i shouldnt let it get to me, but ive been really bothered by it, especially as of late. i think it is because i sort of gave up on it all, but then something there gave me a glimmer of hope. i cant deal with this. and maybe its just the end of the year stress adding to this decision, but i think it's all ruined. really do i want to put up with all this? the on, the off, the maybe there really is nothing and im overthinking the whole situation. if i just let it be i know it cant end badly right? so that is how it is.

i'm sorry if youre feeling neglected.. i really dont mean to be...
i feel as though there is just too much to be done, and that i am failing miserably trying to juggle everything; keeping all the balls up. i know i've dropped things, people, whatever.. broken them in fact and probably stepped all over them in an attempt to save the others. i swear i don't mean to be like this. i swear i dont purposefully snub you. my mind has been everywhere these past few weeks and im sorry if you felt like youve suffered at all from it. i'll make it up.. to everyone i promise...

swoon
hahaha tonight was pure laughs, i can't wait for summer to begin. there have been many brief glimpses into what is oh so close but never quite here. its like having a taste of that chocolate cake you just can't have and dammit.. i like it and want some more.. lol
and let's just say an old feeling is coming back, but i refuse to let it get to me again. but it was sure fun laughin about it.

i wonder if they even called. i know they have things to do that are ten times more important and havent even spoken much words perhaps in the last little while, but i still wonder if they remembered at all. if it were me, i would have liked to think that even though we havent been the same over the last while, i still made enough of an impact as a friend to be remembered.

good news
no time or energy for that matter for a read post. must conserve all brain power for math units and whatnot.
-got my dress and it fits. might have to get it hemmed and fixed at the waist but no biggie.. its purdy.
-not as screwed as i thought i was in school, but still gotta work at it. you think i can take 5 tests next week? cause thats what im doing. 3 physics tests in two days sounds really fun doesnt it?
-im not sure whats happening. maybe its the stress, my sinuses, but i get a headache and get dizzy every day almost
-i think im not gonna be able to go to work cause theyre sars psychos and my mom works at st. mikes
-i want to quit because i hate calling 80 patients a day and asking them a fuckin sars questionaire
-i think sometimes it is still too cold for may, but i rather it be cold than hot
-sac craziness is killing me right now
-i need more sleep
-i want it over ..all over

im sorry for being crappy
i made the decision and im really happy about it, but the fact is sometimes the alternative creeps back in my head. i feel like giving in, if only for a little while just to see if i would still have ideas about the first one...so that way i know its just me being a loser and making things more complicated... if i fully accept it, it would answer my question though.

i swear this has happened before
it is interesting being a spectator to something you simply don't understand. There is a 'war', and like all wars it is senseless, and no one quite knows exactly when or how it started. And in confession, following this war has become a recent guilty pleasure of mine, unbeknownst to the two battling sides. Although i am finding entertainment in it, i am not quite sure who is right, but i do know who has more to lose. Yes they may be a pain in the ass at times and perhaps disrespectful, but at the same time, i believe although sometimes deserved, the comments or even entries simply go too far. Yes the internet is a forum for free speech, but it wasn't meant to spread hate either. I think that perhaps it was a lapse in judgement to practice that particular brand of free speech because it stemmed from a place of extreme frustration and does not reflect the person i know. He obviously didn't realize that this whole fiasco could affect him more than anyone else in the end no matter how justified whatever it was may have been. Maybe the people being targeted should try and see why the situation is this way. People always have reasons for lashing out. Although i am not surprised by what has happened, and may have shared the same sentiments at one point or another concerning certain people, i don't think it is necessary to vent in the descriptive and overt manner it has been done. I am not taking sides because i really don't know enough to, but lets just say both sides have been rather immature about this, and it all should have ended long before i got caught up in the drama of it all. Yes there are problems, i have seen some of them, not really concerning this matter develop in front of my eyes in fact.
side note: reading some things have made me wonder if perhaps the same thoughts go through his head as he reads this, or anyone else's for that matter. not that i really care that i'll be branded a silly, immature teenager (cause it's obvious at times i still am), but it would be interesting to know.

she felt she was lost, as she clawed against the walls hoping to find some form of escape. But it was all in vain as the walls were solid and not an opening of any sorts was in sight. She didn't know what else to do. As tears brimmed out of her eyes, she collapsed on the cold, damp floor to wallow in her misfortune. Sometimes it is better to give up for a while.

you gotta have confidence babe
i think i'm in a weird place right now....sort of in a limbo somewhere. it feels like i'm at a crossroads in every aspect of my life, always waiting for a sign of what it to happen, trying to peer down each road to see if there is any indication of what to do. Everything is about as chaotic as my room right not. i am convinced that if i clean it up, not only will i find half the stuff i am missing, but somehow my life will also follow suit and organize itself. it's like i am mentally in a bloody construction site. boards are everywhere, people are shouting out incomprehensible orders, nails ready to plunge into my foot present themselves after every turn.

unaware
i'm not quote sure what i'm feeling right now and the closest thing i can use is antisocial, but that isnt it either. i wanna see people, i wanna do things..i just dont wanna do them with a million people. i think i'm just not into the craziness right now i guess. i feel like i need hugs, comfort, love. i wanna use the word cherish.. hahah i like that word.. it soo described how im feeling right now... i wanna be cherished.
had an awesome time with an old friend yesterday. i miss him, even though during the time he was here, we werent that close. but he was one of those people that i saw myself getting to know better, or even just enough. it's like we've been living in totally different worlds and somehow found eachother once again. i love it when i see that the world isnt so big afterall.
and sometimes i feel like im tip-toeing around people. why make something outta something that really isnt anything at all?

seconds
i often wonder why or even how things worked out the way they did. it looked totally different when i pictured these thigns as i grew up. my only consolation is, is that there are other with me. damn good others.

waiting for a sign
there is something about capturing the moment that facinates me, whether it is in a picture, in a piece of writing, or even if only in my head. like those moments you want to re-live over and over again because you laughed so hard that your stomach hurt or that it was at that instant when you realized that a new bond was established as you and a once not-so-close friend talked. it can also be the day-to-day things that we take for granted. like sitting int he caf with nothing to say or simply taking the bus home and walking the familliar route past the same houses i have seem for the past 12 years. i realize i notice the strangest things sometimes. for instance when watching a soccer game at school, i may not be able to tell you the final score, or who scored them, and sometimes not even the teams playing, but i can give you a full description of the ref's outfit, even including what i thought the words on his shirt were even though his jacket was 3/4 zippedp. funny how some things like seeing a little dog's bum wiggle as it chases after its ovwner or just sitting there under a furball of a blanket with a friend can make my day just that much better, when to other people it is nothing. i'm glad i take joy in all of the little things because i can learn to appreciate everything so much better. people who are bitter and sad all the time; who take things and people for granted; who don't see past themselves; who..ugh i dont even know anymore but you know... are really starting to get to me, and quite frankly i am glad i am not them. yes i may have my moody, bitter, bitchy days, but hey they go as quickly as they come. i dont believe that moping or anything of the sorts helps with anything. it drives people away. and its not like i havent said this before, but i think you're going to lose me.
and i know now may not be the best time to just run away but that's really what i feel like doing. it's been imprinted in me to do that..and i have. i may have run away from a lot of good things without me even knowing it. and yes, i am trying to change that cause i dont expect anyone to chase after me and i know that i can't run away from everything cause it simply doesnt solve anything, but i;ve tried to stay and staying just hurts.

on another subject:
i love people like mike myers who even though they are big-shot superstars, still go on television shows with maple leafs-emblemed Roots wear and stick up for their city. people like that who dont get so big-headed that they forget about their beginings, the little people, their roots, for lack of a better word. he's still our little canadian.. scarborough boy. forget shane west and brad pitt, he's my new crush. *swoon!*

the space between
how is it that suddenly things have gotten so hard? they were so good a while back. i'm not even sure what has happened, what has changed, what i have done wrong. all i know is that things were great.. and then something happened along the way. it's like i hit a deer and didnt even know it. and worst of all its not even just one thing anymore its a lot of things. at least if it were one, it would be managable. but right now things seem to be falling apart...not totally but falling apart nonetheless. i have always needed that little bubble around me. i needed to feel secure and well, overall ok. i've lost that sense of 'ok' with people...with things and i dont know how to get it back anymore. it seems like everything i do makes things a little more worse. i want to just find my corner, and not deal with it all, hoping that by the time i am done, everything would have just magically fixed itself. it's true, im bad at picking up the pieces.. i'm bad at dealing with things like this. i wish i were better and i guess im learning but its damn frustrating.

the button with the moon on it puts the computer to sleep
i dont think i remember ever feeling this way, and even if i have, it has been too long for me to remember. i'm not sure even now if i'm scared, awed, creeped out, or even if i regret or liked that it happened. it's like i didn't know how to handle myself in that sort of a situation and i don't like it when that happens. i'm still trying to wrap my head around it. i'm not sure exactly what went on, what it was all supposed to mean, what i'm going to do about it. and really it's no big deal, but i still have to be faced with it every week.

is it weird that i'm really creeped out by super religious people? okay maybe not religious people so much, but rather people who try to recruit me into their cult, posing it as a religion. lol i had to bite my tongue cause what i really wanted to do was scream "CULT CULT CULT!" but i couldn't. please don't invite me to your 'church' even if you sincerely want me to see your band play. please dont try and get me to like church and debate the bible when i have clearly stated that i dont go, although i do believe in God. i argued and bitched for the sake of arguing and not because i really cared. so what if you think that other people misinterpret the bible, there are a million other people that think the same about you. the more you say that you want me to come and experience it all, the more i want to run and hide and report you to the police. yes i do realize there will be many a jehovah's witness and other whatevers.. but this one was different cause it wasn't just a stranger knocking at my door..

mychorrize?
this was in one of those email surveys. it wont make sense to you cause you dont know who wrote it, but i died laughing.
"Question: What's under your bed?" "Answer: my sister....we have bunks ok"

my eyes are itchy and sore. i just finished spending an hour and a half doing 120 multiple choice questions to help me prepare for this exam. theres still another hour and a half of essays, which i am saving for tomrrow. im good at multiple choice. or at least these practice exams are making me think i am good at them. for all i know they are giving me a false sense of hope because i'm thinking this way i don't have to worry too much about scoring well on the essays. maybe this is bad? i dont know..

i spent too many an hour on the phone. this is why courses and art projects and studying do not get done. i felt like i was in grade 9 or ten again, where i would just sit and talk for hours. it's hard to have those one-on-one conversations anymore cause it seems like there is so little time just spent with one.

i had the urge to go rollerblading. i dont know of many girls with rollerblades, and the one who do were either suposed to be working today or are busy at some fancy schmancy softball tournament. anyone a size 9 men's shoe? i got rollerblades you can borrow.... kidnap me PLEASE

i went crazy on the whipped cream
i know im supposed to be studying, and that's exactly what i will do... soon.
i want to go out and play..rollerblade maybe? its something i havent dont in years. so maybe i'll do lots and lots of work and then reward myself by kidnapping someone and going rollerblading? lol a little physical activity never hurt anyone right? hahah oh the extremes i go to in order to rationalize things in my head.
the night that was supposed to have consisted of me staying at home being tired and home-y was totally thrown out the window...but im not complaining. it's like i totally saw a whole other side of people.... sorta like i was let into the club and saw everything from an insider's point of view.. its true, why did we only find these people now? has so much changed from even a few months ago? i love it.

today i found someone with the same birthday as me. well except 3 years older.

a little bit of sunshine
i think i have started my weekend early. i really didn't feel like doing work. my day had started out with so much potential and the promise of getting work done. however because of a stupid seminar being moved not once, but TWICE, i ended up doing nothing. it just seemed like too nice of a day and well i grew restless, and finding out that this test was easy didnt help..lol so off to kidnap jeaneete and chua, which may not have been the best plan for any of us, cause we did end up staying out all night. but you know what? i kinda needed it..just cause i knew i was gonna have to hibernate this weekend so i can cram for this exam... sigh.
sunny day, cool breeze, great friends, fun conversations, interesting adventures, what more could a girl ask for?

this pipe is connected to the other pipe?
why does the mere mention of the word 'university' among adults, bring up endless speeches about how university is not just a big party and that there is real work involved? it's just a flow of lectures directed at me and the fact that they obviously dont think im responsible enough or mature enough to deal with all of it. gee university is hard and actually entails doing work? wow why didnt anyone tell me that before? i mean yes i'm going to go out, yes there will be some partying but you should be happy that at least im willing to admit it and isn't that half the experience anyways? it;s not like im not ready for the hard work, its not like im not ready for the active social life that comes with everything. its not that im not totally aware of this all. its obvious that even though ive been out every day this year and even though they worry so much, im still fine. if i haven't proven myself this year i dont know what i can possibly do because sometimes i swear it feels like im raising myself here.... there have been no congratulations, no acknowledgement whatsoever of any of my work. what about that frickin fact that i want to and can go to university? you would think people would be proud. and its not that i necessarily need all that, but when you just criticize ALL the time.....it's like to them, it would make it better if i didnt go at all because that way im avoiding all of the dangers and the failures they seem to see in store for me. i'm wondering if i just decide to become a plumber if it would shut them up or not. and you know im stubborn enough to do it too.

i'm not quite sure what i did
my skin is sensitive. more sensitive than i've ever realized. but the hairs are tough. more tough than i ever realized. and after a good hour of waxing my arms, there are red dots. everywhere. and even though im not exactly sure what the red dots are (burst capillaries or something?) i'm not really surprised theyre there. i shave i get razor burn, after i scratch myself there are lines from where my fingers made contact, i wax my arms, my skin gets mad. however on the other hand, my hair grows incredibly fast. it is relentless and grows in the next day even when i dont want it to, it's hard to pull out and is determined to stay. damn these two extremes for coexisting on the same limb..lol
funny but its kinda reminds me of myself in a few ways...

judging the fall
it's beautiful outside and i dont get to enjoy it. i went out to get an iced cap..just because i needed to see the outside of my house. i love drive thrus-it doesn't matter that im in a grey house shirt and pink pj pants with hearts on them with a cord jacket thrown over the whole mess. only one person sees you and thinks that you are gross or weird or ugly or all of the above. actually the big plan was to get the iced cap and free muffin and end up in a park or something..somewhere. however out of laziness, the plan was scrapped because i was simply not int he mood to change and look presentable and not scare the children who would be playing in the park and have them point at me and then run to their mothers in fear... or have joan and melissa rivers pop out from a bush and declare me the ugliest person on earth.. oh the things that go through my head...lol i should be downtown checking out the u of t campus instead of here trying to fit a whole year's worth of bio into my head. hmm maybe next week.. but then again maybe not. its only going to get worse from here.

hmph
i think im starting to get fed up of trying. it just stresses me out and leaves me more exasperated after when nothing comes out of it no matter what i do. its highly over-rated

waiting for the other shoe
so because i left all my books in the car, which is now downtown, i decided to give myself a little break today, whether its well deserved or not. i went through my residence books again, although i only have ones from western and mcgill that im really looking at, where the u of t one is, im not sure. honestly western is really doing great things for me right now. mcgill is really expensive for what you get especially considering that the second cheapest room at mcgill with meal plan for 5 days is still more than gettting a suite style at western with a meal plan. and despite the huge student population taking the jobs that are available in the smaller city i can probably get one ten times more easily at western than i can at mcgill. cause you know that once a person who can speak french comes, my job is gone. and it will take a couple years for me to know enough to put a sentence together that the frenchies wont laugh at. i really need to see the campus i guess. that and the fact that i'm still so in love with mcgill and montreal.. and dammit, i was frickin glowing (really glowing, it was weird but people could actually see it, even when i didnt realize it yet) after that montreal trip cause i felt so much that mcgill was where i was going to go. but the atmosphere im getting from western (again, this is all in my head because i havent actually seen the place) is more of like the university atmosphere i want, that i;ve pictured as an ideal...but then again those things change.. my prom dress fiasco is a perfect example. oh man.. im not good at decisions.

a view from over there
you would think that after all these years i would understand some things better.. but really i think i just got more confused. when are things really reality and when is a situation just in your head? i get really paranoid sometimes, especially when things are really important to me. i've discovered that it is a very fine line between how a situation or an event actually presents itself and what it manifests into in my head. and really this line is broken and jagged and cracked and lets everything wander from one side to the other. everyone sees the same thing in a different light. i wonder sometimes if things are really this way... case in my head things are bad sometimes, but people may think that i am over-analyzing. sometimes i think theyre right, but at the same time, i'm the one in the situation, im the one whos seeing everything, im the one whos involved. they dont know everythign that has gone on. they have no idea sometimes. they havent been through the ups and then realized that now we've hit a sudden down. and i think that maybe i jinxed it again, like i do with all of them. im starting to believe that something is seriously wrong or that maybe i should just learn to not get any expectations at all.. we'll see i guess im still fine tuning it all..

sometimes i feel so.. inadequate, undeserving really...
i was watching the view and hearing some of these people's stories really makes you think. i'm freaking out cause i gottachose which university i wanna go to and how to pay for it, when people my age are working two jobs and still getting good grades at school, all the while dealing with a disabled father and a mother with cancer. imagine being the sole income earner at the age of 18 to support a family. it makes me wonder, wow what have i ever done that could at all compare? it's strange hearing someone say that graduation and prom are trivial and EXTRAVAGANT things cause even though they are, they have become in some way a rite in our society. something that sorta just comes with the actual completion of school. perhaps at this age having too much life experience can be a bad thing too. because then there's just TOO much shit to deal with that even the things that youre supposed to enjoy..well you just cant. the perspective of things are totally changed.

who'd thunk it?
i now declare myself a homework fiend. hahaha i know it's not something that normal people get addicted to, but i dont know lately, through some act of god or something, i have actually wanted to homework. and really its good that i do cause i have LOTS of it. i'm on some sort of homework wave and i'm just gonna let the momentum of it all carry me throuugh. so there will be no failing this year for ang or cramming everything in until im ready to burst at the seams and cry..okay maybe a little cause i'm already pretty screwed. but whatever... summer is here. i can smell it.

the difference one phone call can make
i'm glowing..absolutly glowing from the phone conversation. and also WAY more confused about everything!! i have decided that andrea is the most awesome person in the entire earth cause she was willing to call and she spent an entire hour almost just answering my questions and putting my stupid fears to rest. she's still the same. so grown up and womanly (lol) but still the same crazy andrea that i remember stumbling into the room with textbooks in hand and a great big smile across her face. so western is officially back in the running thanks to her. i love the community atmosphere. i love that she says shes loving her program (cause its what im getting into) i love that she gave me tips on how to survive there and not get screwed. i feel like i'm already there in a way. i was joking before but i think the rory gilmour lists are gonna hafta come out now.

how can anyone not like the smell of bounce?
its beautiful outside. i miss the sun and even though it hasn't been warm warm yet, i dont mind. just waking up to any form of sunshine instead of blue/grey light is good.
even though i'm glad i went, yesterday night was in a way surreal. i would be having fun and then suddenly realize that wow this is actually happening. i honestly half expected me and jeanette to arrive there and have someone tell us that the whole event had been cancelled. funny what some people do on a saturday night. it makes you wonder... cause you know those people that you see on tv who do something stupid with their friends while having it filmed? i am technically one of those spectators now.. lol and i'm pretty sure thats not something to be proud of.

grilled cheese with bacon please
so its weird but i actually want to do homework. i just have this urge to. so maybe tomorrow i'll get up late, skip the yoga and maybe do a tape instead and do some homework. funny. i think my mind is trying to tell me something here.
so why is it that even though i'm exhausted and full and ready to roll over and die and sleep, do still wanna talk and be girly and have the night not end so BADLY? lol haha no matter what i know we'll be fine cause no matter how much we do or do not see eachother, its all the same. and thats damn reassuring.

is it a bird? is it a plane?
i know i JUST got it, but i already have the courses i have to take next year highlighted. THAT'S how i know im uber excited.

ever have one of those moments when you feel grown up? one of those instances that you realize that maybe you arent a three year old; screaming and shouting with knots in your shoelaces and peanut butter and jelly sandwich crumbs on your face. it was just today...maybe cause this morning i ACTED like a three year old and so in comparison, there was a big difference.. i dunno..

uday's love shack
you know how the world gets scarier as you get older and you learn about all the dangers? do you think we ever stop getting more and more scared or does it continuously add up? there just seems to be a lot more to be scared of these days. people don't fly. people don't walk around late at night. people don't leave their doors unlocked. people don't breathe anymore.

my fingers are frozen
so despite the long as emails to and from churchie.. i am still lost. less confused and frantic but still lost. i finished my english today. everything is good. just the self evaluation and a outline for my isp, both which dont have to be done on computer while in this cold damp basement. i could send it out today if i really wnated to. i still have 40 minutes. but i think i mightjust do it afterschool tomorrow. afterall i am in my strawberry pants and glasses and probably smell like basement. i had the weirdest dream last night involving lots of people from school and work. it was weird cause it wasnt weird at all...things that happened in it and places i went seemed soo familiar. i am still convinced that i know of these places and have been there because the way i navigated the store or found something, its like i just knew. some things also made me giggle and blush... weird how dreams can feel so damn real
steph signed onto msn.. i got excited.. she never responded.

finding pi
so i think i surprised my mother...ACTUALLY surprised her. i came home from jeanette's at like 11:15 and came home to a dark house. the only light was streaming from my mom's room and in a very weird, but adult moment i walked in and just sat. It had been a long time since i last did this, which once used to be a common thing. My mom is a lot more like me than i thought, or rather i'm a lot more like her than i thought, even down to the way she mocked me and the way my pants are too low, or my neckline too plunging, and my boobs too well up there. i laughed that she did it, i laughed cause its so something i would do. we actually talked, we talked about next year and i got excited as i told her my plans. We got serious when we discuessed how it was going to get paid for. we set out our own plans like what im getting into, the fact that im going for my masters, me still working throughout university....her working at least another 4 years before she retires. her saying how stephen wont cost as much cause we see him going to college...when we predict the car finally giving out on us. It funny discussing how i see myself in montreal or in western or even in toronto living on my own or in res and my whole plan to work at shoppers so i get toiletries and what not at cost. i told her i couldnt wait until my room is just a stack of boxes and half-barren tabletops and an empty closet. She said that she couldnt wait until my room was made into her new storage area. She also told me that she was glad that i had everything planned out. that she didnt have to worry about me. and really in truth i dont. i say one thing, but in my mind a million other possibilities are running rampant, but for now i like her seeing the responsible me.

it may only be a trickle
western is slowly lulling me into their trap with their glossy brochures and promises of money. i need to see the campus. i also need to get other acceptances and other pretty, new smelling what not so that the vacuum i'm presently experiencing doesnt take further hold. i need to know what the hell i want to do with myself next year. i picture myself everywhere.
i feel like i am melting sometimes, but not in the good way.. more like the way that guy in the x men movie melted and freaked halle barry out..

it was sunny today!
i havent lost him afterall. despite being insecure, despite not being around eachother for a while, despite not talking, despite all of our little fights..despute the fact that we sometimes make eachother mad by just being in the same room... we're okay.. i still have my friend. yes i was dead tired today but it was well worth it.
soo i have just realized how much work i still have to do and how i really dont want to do it.. i'm gonna start staying off msn and icq, both which i have deemed the products of satan. lol its back to 6-9 homework nights.. ugh...

and if i dont make it, know that i've loved you all along
it's three am and i am surprisingly wide awake. i just got home and well maybe its the late night pizza, but i can't sleep.
so i went to the get-together afterall, despite having a bit of anxiety over it. it was sad how i really wanted to impress them in this messed up 'i'm gonna make them miss me and make them regret for not staying in closer touch with me' way and was trying to pretty myself up.. but then went fuck it and went in a t shirt and cords. to be honest it wasn't bad. sure i no longer knew of half the people they were talking about and sure i didn't feel comfortable around everyone.. but the people that i did click with... wow it made me feel so much better about things... it was like i didnt lose them afterall, they were just misplaced for a while. and even though i wouldnt go to another one soon necessarily, im still glad i went.
it was weird seeing them together... i suddenly didn't know how to act. i felt stupid for even feeling it cause that chapter was supposed to be over with. it was one of those situations which is amplified and made ten million times worse in your head.. man im such a girl.. and a gross one too.

so vanessa and lis have fun comments with animated happy faces.. im sooo CHANGING mine!!!

i've come to the conclusion that im not coming to school next week..lol
my ride is gone m y best friend is gone.. the two people i talk to on a regular basis in ta are gone.. ugh
and well i want to KILL mark! lol

now that i think back
i know it meant nothing but at the time the simple 'yes' was needed and very much appreciated. if it had been a no or a silent pause i dont kno what i would have done. all of my friends know i can get really insecure about things really fast and well the other night on the computer, i hit another one of those moments. it made me uneasy knowing that things were changing this fast...knowing that soon my world.. my 'family' as i know it was going to be ripped away person by person. i know this because i can see it happening already. and yes the core few will remain and others will be introduced..but really no one can ever be replaced. imagine us ten years down the road and bumping into one another again...will things pick up from where they left off? or will there merely be an awkward pause as we continue along our way? and even though i will never manage to say this in person, and i'm pretty sure the friend responsible has no clue of what they did that night, i want to say thank you. we take for granted how much our words can affect people and how at the right moment, in the right context, it can save someone.

you know the world is good when just one smile brightens up your whole day.

i need to change identities
so apparently i'm andrew. i dunno its not that i mind that i may not get voted in because of it, because all along ive left it to a whatever happens happens cause i really dont know if i can do it... but i've always had problems with my name and this does not help. I've never liked it cause it was never different enough for me... not only the first, but the last also.. you know how many people have my last name? we must have been a pretty big village all those centuries ago. i still get called wong.

jeanette unknowingly stole all my words and thoughts.. go read her blog entries for the past two days.. cause that's what i'm thinking exactly.. ah summer... teehee

disturbing the peace
so i think i am disappointed. and i use the word think cause i really don't know exactly what i feel but right now disappointed is the closest thing i can think of. I don't expect much, not much at all because i too at times feel as though i am lacking in this department as well.... but lately, with some people, i've been disappointed with how we intereact.. how they respond to something i say... how they treat or respond to me. It's kinda like i feel i've been constantly let down by some people, and really it's not the big things either. It's little things like not being excited when you should be or not listening when i clearly am giving out a cry for help or even saying goodnight in the wrong way. and yes, i do know how crazy and insecure i sound right now, but i'm feeling it with some people and quite frnakly i dont know whether to try harder or to start giving up.
i reek of calgon body mist. after coming home from softball and driving my mom to the subway station, i went straight to pilates and didnt have enough time to shower as i had planned. so what could i do? i misted..lol i mean wow i've never been so sporty/active in my life. i'm gonna be feeling it tomorrow alright.
and dammit the voicemail icon wont go away on my phone... I DONT HAVE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES

a sigh of relief...for now
oh man oh man oh man... that's what i've been saying to myself over and over again. i can't believe im in. they want me! and although it did not come in a pretty official envelope filled with glossy brochures, the one line on the computer screen that read, "admitted-pending final results" and the link to accept or decline the offer... that's all i needed... well for now anyways. so my future in montreal is all the more realistic now.. also got into western. but sadly, its almost an afterthought now.. i think i need to actually go SEE the campus and stuff..cause i bet thats why im not all that excited about it.. but i hear great things..lol
it's such an immense relief.. and i know that no one else got their early accepteances from university and technically i should not have been worried but i was, even if everyone thinks i'm strange for being so. and although i know i shouldnt be getting myself down over stupid things, the way a person reacts to things really affect me, more than they should. i mean she wonders why i dont tell her things sometimes... maybe its just cause i dont want her bringing all my dreams down with her one cynical comment.

shopping
ever see a total stranger on the street and just suddenly become intrigued by them? like you suddenly want to know everything about their life and what makes them tick and what their house and family and heck, even their closet looks like? i find these people often, what that means baout my sad little life i dont know. i stumbled upon another one yesterday. there was nothing different really about her. i'm not even sure why i was drawn to her.. was it the way she held her head? the way she was casually browsing through the aisle of the store with a basket half full of items? She looked self-sufficient.. like the kind of woman who would be the mother of a very young child, with golden locks of hair just like hers, except of course the child's would be in curls in stead of tied up in a tousled ponytail.. the kind of person who dines out every friday and sips wine while relaxing and read books and ran every morning with her dog... and then it occured to me, while secretly trying to see what things where in her basket that she was probably not any of these things. for all i know she could have gone home to her abusive boyfriend, her 5 screaming children all under the age of 6 with gum in their hair and a blow torch in their left hands.... and her home littered with unwashed dishes and left over pizza boxes.. and yelled over all the noise, "bubba, mama got you some of your de-worming medication"
i wonder how many people i see wrong.

im calling.. where are you?
sometimes i need to step back for a while to see how things have changed. You never notice it while it happening, but things are constantly changing. I've never been a person to fear change.. i actually like it sometimes.. its only when the change comes and slaps you in the face, and leaves its red handprint on your cheek that i get uncomfortable with it. I feel as though i'm just waiting for the hot-stinging feeling to spread across my face again. I haven't been hit for a while. I'm not sure when its coming, but i can feel it.

so telus calls today and tells me that theyve done an audit on my account and found out ive been getting call display for free for a long long time now even though i havent been paying for it.. dammit..

yesterday was great girly fun. teehee i love you guys

today the weirdest thing happened... but it made me smile.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF AND STEPH! (well belated now)

reupholstered
okay so its probably stupid and petty for me to be mad at something as small, and well for lack of a better word, stupid as this. But i mean i just can't help it. No one can say things haven't changed cause we both know they have.. one just gets mad when the other one says it that's all or takes it the wrong way. And i didnt expect things to stay the same cause i know a million things have happened to change the situation but man i don't think i;ve ever felt like this.. and its weird cause even a week ago i would have brushed it off and just have been happy. but i'm starting to realize that maybe we all excuse it too easily. maybe something is there that clouds our own perspective of things... cause if it had been someone else.. well things would have been different.

i got a compliment today... and it surprised me just because of who it came from. Someone that i soo wouldnt have thought would have noticed those things or really even care at all. It was nice. especially since its been a while since i've received words like that..and im pretty sure they were sincere. It made me blush. I could feel my cheeks go hot. It was all flushed cheeked happiness for a while. I think i would like to feel that more often.

luckily no casualties
SO IT'S MINE! More than i wanted to ideally pay for it. but as it turns out with my original bid, she would have pulled it out of aution anywasy cause she really wanted to make most of her money back. I almost can't believe it. it's like when i got my tattoo and it didnt sink in that it was really there and sometimes i would remeber and just want to squeal with excitement.. well actually sometimes i still forget its there. But i still got an awesome deal especially considering that time, effort, and gas i saved, and the possible risk of not getting across the border or finding it at all once down there. thank you lukie for being there to feed the obsession and for simply witnessing the panic attack when i realized i wasnt the only bidder and rationalizing every little thing with me.

waiting for the explosion
so here i am... with my face plastered to the computer screen.. refreshing the ebay webpage periodically to learn of my dress's fate. yes MY dress's fate.. i have already declared it mine. It is so close and fuck to have it ripped out of my hands this far into things would just be cruel. so here i am.. and here you will find me: sitting and waiting for the next 40 minutes as i mentally try to send secret voodoo messages to the other bidders to simutaneously have heart attacks. And its strange cause even though im ready to keel over from the anxiety.. its also kinda exhilarating (sp?) .. like i LIKE the stress of it all.

dancing, tripping, falling
sometimes i get weird vibes from people...like im not quite sure where i stand with them. they'll say one thing and it makes me think everything is okay.. then theyll say or do another, and everything is up in the air again. i know im probably just reading too much into these things.. but a part of me insists that im not.. that maybe i should be paying more attention.. maybe there is something there that i simply choose not to see. i dont like things in limbo.. i get frustrated and dont wanna deal with it all after a while.. cause i mean i think things should progress, even if very slowly. stagnant things are no fun.. i like the word stagnant..whoever came up with the word stagnant knew what they were talking about.
so i found the dress.. its on ebay... still wondering if i should make a bid... no one has so far. and well they are willing to ship it here, on my money of course. but i havent even really seen the dress or felt the dress... wow what a risk.. but the fact that its the only dress on ebay thats from this year's line and its the dress i fell in love with and its in my size and its new with the tags still on and a pretty good price to boot can't mean nothing right? how i ended up on the ebay site i dont know.. but im taking it as a sign.. its God practically handing me the dress right? RIGHT?!?!

so what if i have a whole NEW plan?
after a marathon 3-hour conversation with my 90% partner in crime, i feel so much better about everything. I think the trick to me is just letting it out to someone who i know will understand what the hell is going through my head...and really sometimes my friends know me so well its scary and well embarassing too.. lol Some things just need to be said.. and sometimes i just need help rationalizing things in my head. It turned a lot of the "what the hell"s to "ohh that makes sense".
On another note.. i was semi-bumming about not hearing from any universities, with my only consolation being that other people who applied didnt hear from them either. but today i got an email saying that if i was over 85% i was gonna be getting an early acceptance.. so im just waiting now.. i dont even think i wanna go there.. but its true.. its the whole "no on wants me" thing that was worrying me. Weird how something such as early acceptances can put so much stress on a person, especially when we all fully know that 1) university isnt the same as college and most universities havent sent anythign out yet; 2) this is a weird year, with universities saying that they probably wont send out as many early acceptances as they normally do; and 3) they're EARLY acceptances.. the bulk of the acceptances come in may.
all this from a person who's had ample time to think of reasons why no one wants her...lol

shake it up and throw it
funny how a great big slap in a the face is needed to realize certain things sometimes. he thought i was trying to hurt him but really what he said in response stung a lot worse. i think it says a lot about how a person sees you by how they interpret your written word. and i'm not sure exactly how what he said made me feel the way i did, but it did and i dont think i will ever fully understand why. but i'm begining to think that the fact that he chose to take it in that light... well it says a lot.. and well i think i finally realized how much things have changed and how much i really dont know how to deal with it anymore..but the problem is, is that i'm not even sure how it got to this.
i think this is a clear indication that ang's good mood streak is officially over.

and there was a little girl running through a field of sunflowers who stopped, looked around, and realized she was lost

i feel queezy just thinking about it
an idea got put into my head today (yes PUT cause i didnt really think about it until someone forced me to) and well even though i was totally against it, the idea started to fester in my mind..it grew until i couldnt just ignore it. it grew until i started believeing it could actually happen. i thought maybe i wont cry.. maybe i wont get scared and run away..maybe i wont freeze up and choke on my own words and have a million people laugh at me.. maybe i want to do it?

slap me with a happy stick
Sometimes i just can't help but smile to myself... i've had this smirk on my face for a while now actually. i dont know what it is exactly but it just wont go away...not that i really want it to. for once im feeling really good.. and no matter what stresses school or work brings, i'm still secretly smirking.. smiling.. teehee..
on another note.. i will never understand some people, or rather, i will never understand why people do certain things.. .. how they can just be used in a sense.. ugh.. please dont ever let me get this stupid.. and please just see it too

sometimes one conversation can make all the difference.

your socks are smiling... creepy
you know my mom is right. i get distracted too easily. like last weekend, when i really REALLY needed to do homework but instead slept the weekend away and still managed to go to school more tired than ever. But i know i can handle it.. that i can get it done.. and thats the important thing right? that despite having fun and stressing over it afterwards, it still works out well. im just worried that one day it wont anymore..
there's some people i haven't seen for a while. i miss them in a way. its not the same when you don't see eachother outside of school.. away from the stress and work. i wonder what they're doing without me. i wonder if they even notice i'm not there...i wonder that a lot actually. i really shouldn't but i do. I sound whiny when i talk about it. People shouldn't worry whether or not others know they exist.. they dont care.. they give their finger to the world and say screw you and go on with their lives... but i havent reached that level of maturity yet..and i dont think i ever will..so right now im just gonna deal with my insercurities thank you very much.

"Strength, courage, and wisdom" ("and it's been inside of me all along")
you gotta love a chick who can make you feel good and sing to boot.. lol. im on a female singer kick right now.. i think it started when i heard that sarah harmer song from a while back that i used to sing in TA that would drive Patrick crazy for some reason. India Arie makes me want to rip off my bra, flash my unshaven legs, and yell "I am woman!" lol but we all know that won't ever happen thank goodness. I feel as though when i listen to it, i'm walking taller, being more confident.. and i know it's just all in my head too but does that REALLY matter? next cd will be norah jones.. not really the same, but im intrigued by her nonetheless.

so luckily the SAC event didnt turn out to be a total bomb. i love our oacs... julie with her marshmallow drool, sean 'dominating' that pie, emmanuel with his messed up, ghetto, booty-shakin' hula dancing... im gonna miss you guys so much.

if we all start wearing masks, i will totally be freaked out.. its gonna be like some sort of morbid sci-fi movie that never makes any money cause its so bad

i dont know what im doing lately.
"Where we'll go, baby, I don't know, maybe we should just let nature run the show.."

lose what I got keep what I find
Today was the first day in a long time that school actually worked out for me...the first day where I actually felt productive and felt like i understood things and felt that maybe it wasn't all pointless or some form of societal punishment afterall. That being said, it was also today that i realized that I wanted more in life. i wanted a break, an escape rather from this... this everything. Until quite recently, it was pretty much the same ol' stuff.. school. work. sleep. school. go out. sleep. I dunno. Maybe its just the warm sun on my skin and the puddles of melted snow under my feet talking, but despite how much i actually felt as though i fit into the whole 'school' thing today, i needed out. I need some time to do nothing. To be able to sit around and just watch the sunlight dancing on the ceiling of my room or the stars make their way across the sky. I want to drape myself over a couch, or pile of cushions, or even a picnic blanket and just talk about everything and nothing and all that is in between. I want to take a walk...one without a destination and find out how the neighbourhood has changed and just end up somewhere. I've noticed that although i've seen a lot of other people, I haven't really seen them...myself included. And although i'm not quite sure how i expect to fix this, i do know that i just need to.. somehow. You know you've been watching too much Oprah when you finally understand the meaning of 'feeding your soul'.lol and i think the time has finally come and i realize that mine is hungry.

a weekend at home trying to do nothing but homework is a lot harder than one anticipates. Needless to say, the list i made for myself is not even half crossed out, but in my defence, it was a HUGE list to begin with, an attempt to make up for all the non-work i did all of march break and this week at school.
doing your taxes is the worst thing in the entire world. I went to do them to distract myself from homework.. but after about 15 minutes i gave up and decided that i would RATHER being doing math.. ewww... i have a new appreciation for all the accountants out there..

I should have done something this weekend.. something that was way overdue.. not a project or assignment of any sorts.. just this thing. I didn't feel up to it.. citing my need to do homework as an excuse. But now i'm wondering, is the fact that i havent done it already an indication that maybe i dont want to fix things all that badly? I know to others it may have been mean, but to some it was something that just needed to be done. Not saying that the crazy kids are right, but something caused them to pull the trigger right? something made them go: you know what? this is enough shit for now..... i mean if anything, at least we didnt blow her head off.. (okay now THAT was mean, but you know, i say it like it is). lol things are going to get back to normal eventually.. and i know i have to make the first step.. and i will.. when i'm ready. In fact the process has already begun.

anyone wanna go to the one of a kind show with me next weekend?

ode to luke
luke is so cool, luke is so great
i love him even though he ditched me on our valentine's day date.
he's there when im sad or when i need hugs
and he doesnt seem to fall into holes that are dug.(hehe you know what i mean)
he's great for a laugh and he's oh so smooth
and thats is why he's so groove-y

hahaha i rock i know..lol

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark
i dont know what to think anymore. it seems the world is spinning around me and nothing is really in focus or under my control anymore. I dont like NOT being in control. i mean i dont need to have everything for my manipulation, but i feel insecure when i cant seem to even grasp at the things around me. One minute it's one thing, the next minute it's another. is this what growing up is all about? weird how all those years ago you thought your world was upsidedown when your friend said something about you behind your back. Makes you wonder about how it can only get worse huh?

i think im losing a friend. not in the same capacity as others, but nonetheless the lost is still being sensed. I'm also wondering about other people.... what theyre really feeling.. what is really going on in their head. cause i really dont know and i wonder sometimes what exactly they are thinking.

And althought my night has not been productive in the school/academic way it was planned, it was very productive in another way. We dont consider emotional/social development as a priority and rather it is something we just forget about and push aside. its just not somethign with a due date or deadline that we have to get in. but really tonight was awesome. i mean we are all loved, maybe not in the way we want to be loved... but right now i consider myself fuckin' lucky..cause right now i have more love than a lot of people will ever experience in a lifetime.

A melting pot coming to a boil
i'm not sure what to make of it all. it was basically three years of pent up frustration, spewed out in some weird from of an intervention. i mean to revisit it all again, after thinking i was already over it all was an interesting experience to say the least. I found out i was really more bitter and upset about everything that went on between us than i realized. I didnt want to cry this time. I felt that breaking down in front of her as she sat there staring blankly was in some way letting her win all those years ago And as i heard my voice break and the tears starting to come this time, i only grew more angry with myself for being in a sense weak. Really all of this should have happened earlier. I don't even know if anything will come out of it, whether she has absorbed any of it at all. And although it may seem selfish, I needed it. I needed to finally tell her everything that i have been thinking all these years; to at least open her eyes, albeit only a little. It went better than i thought it should have actually. There was no major crying, throwing, or yelling, although i started to at one point. I guess we can only see what happens huh. If this isnt a weird experiemnet in friendships and social relationships i dont know what is.
What i dont understand is that even after all of this, some people are still attached. i mean how much are some people williing to take? They bitch and yell and complain and yet they always go running back in one way or another. What makes a person so attached that even through all the abuse, you refuse to leave indefiinitly? its just something i will never understand i guess. one of life's little mysteries.

taking another look
i feel as though i have rediscovered someone today. have now seen a whole other side of her, that i knew existed, but just didnt let myself really believe. She was really good. i was proud cause i knew her, cause i was her friend. she was actually in a way living out what a true television teenager would do...what i have been picturing in my head at least...playing in a little smokey room.. It was one of those things that made you both incredibly jealous and inspired. It made me want to start learning the guitar and hiring an old stuffy white european woman with far too much makeup to give me singing lessons. and then reality set in...
She was glowing. it was great.

picking up the pieces
No matter how bad something ends up being, there always seems to be someone there to make it a bit bearable. In truth, it almost made me cry after she whipped out the silver, little box and flashed it in front of my face. It only half registered in my head what it was until i read the raised silver letters and tore open the package. It wasn't because she had saved me twenty bucks, it was because she even thought to do it. She knew i loved it, she knew i lost it.. and for her to just simply replace it like that after a hectic day of running around and replacing everything was just too much for me. Finally something that came easily. Finally something that shows me that the world really isnt out to get me after all. it was one less thing i had to worry about or miss in my life. To someone else it may have been just a simple gesture, but really, it was one of those things that brought so much relief and gratitude i couldn't even explain to myself what it meant to me.

my friends are broken.. we are trying to fix things.. who'd thought fuck friend, pretend friend, silent friend and well brave friend could get themselves in so much trouble..lol and no matter what anybody says, i would chose you over the hole anyday

there's a storm a brewing and i think im going to get caught right in it. fortunatly, i won't be left with anything broken.. but then again who's to say im not already damaged goods?

so its kinda sad how a person can be SO lost without something as trivial as a cell phone. once a person who didn't think i needed one and was against getting one in fact, i kinda cringe at the fact that i am so dependent on it now. i didn't know any phone numbers, i couldnt get a hold of anyone and they didnt know how to find me. it was weird how vulnerable i felt driving home one night without it. i wondered what i would have done if i had broken down while in the middle of nowhere.. because for a portion of the drive home, its all commercial/industrial/construction/fields.
so i went around replacing everything semi-making up stories about how i lost the purse cause just saying i lost it at a drunken party didnt seem like soemthing i should be telling all these banks/government institutions. everything is okay except for my health card...i was too lazy to go down after 3 hours of lining up at various places.. and my visa, which technically isnt cancelled yet but has a block on it. i still want my bag back.. it was a nice bag.. and i loved my wallet.. and semi pictures were in there.. im never getting that roll developed now. thank you jeanette for being there through all the bitchiness.. thank you for putting up with me. thank you for being there just so i wouldn;t be crazy looking yelling at the chinese man alone. you must have hated that day and yes i know i ruined the ang and jeanette day..

ATTENTION!! LOST: ONE SMALL BLACK LEATHER HANDBAG
ugh i lost my purse! i'm ang. i dont lose things. whats kinda ironic is that the camera is lost AGAIN..lol i joked about it being cursed.. i dont think it went over too well with who i said it to if you get my drift..lol things were definitly interesting yesterday.. with lotsof people together drinking that i've never really experienced before..lol from "i dont have a condom" craziness to an almost SAC scandal to a no then a yes? apparently i could have gotten sexually assaulted many times yesterday if i had really wanted to..lol creepy.. hahaha
let me tell you how i get hit in the head twice yesterday.. i felt like that Ty girl on clueless (the movie) when she gets hit in the head with a clog at the valley party. Some tall blond guy fully walks into me and the beer in his hand just so happens to be on the same level as my head.. and all i hear is a cluck when it hits me int the middle of my forehead! Then i get hit with a stupid ping pong ball.. lol mark unger youre gonna pay..lol

so yeah if anyone hears about my purse tell me.. apparently jaclyn brown couldn't find hers either.. we're hoping it got taken accidentally... but i called and my phone is off.. which is weird.. sigh..

how cn soeone convince themself that its okay when its really not
i want to know the truth even when youre doing something stupid

sooo. i'm in another one of those "i dont want to do anything" moods. i think i get into one every time a big break from school approaches and the fact that this time it's also after deadlines, doesn't help. But yeah. watch, tomrrow its all gonna hit me in the face when i take my mag test and i dont knwo anything cause i didnt feel like studying at all today even though i stayed home and also because instead of studying yesterday, i went to amanda's house and went to bed early afterwards. But today wasnt a total waste. i got to talk to people while warm and comfy in my bed, with sunlight streaming through my windows, in my 'fort' of pillows until 1130. i had a good day at work. and actually think that im making progress on the hygenist that i am convinced hates me. have you ever kinda wished you got in a car accident just to get the other driver in trouble? yeah i know its not smart, but sometimes, when im driving my mom's shit car and something like a giant ass truck wide turns into my lane as if he didnt even see me coming, i WANT to get into an accident.. cause technically the truck cut me off and the ugly car im in would be gone cause it wouldnt be worth repairing.. the things that go through my head.

i love my friends. we can turn a nothing day into a tobaggan adventure! it was awesome. i remember now why i'm so lucky. everyone needs people in their lives who can make even the stupidest things exciting and fun. i think we all need to revisit our childhood, go back and do something we remember having so much fun doing while we were 10. cause honestly, you revert right back to your old ways, with girls screaming down the hills and boys trying to aim their speeding tobaggan in between two dangerously close trees. Almost falling into the stream; bailing out right before slamming into a tree, while just missing another one; watching two guys at the foot of a tree squirming on top of one another-stuck; feeling my tobaggan launch into the air and making a giant skid mark as i landed; seeing someone in a tree calling out to the ducks.. priceless all of it.
so moomoo how did your day go?

so with the craziness AFTER valentines.. lol well my matchmaker DID say i would be experiencing an emotional low.. lol but i dont think that quite explains it cause notice how its not exactly MY emotional low, its an emotional low caused by everyone else.

so vanessa and i totally made a yucky.. who'd have thought huh? DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! moomoo and ang strike again....lol

btw: THANK YOU JEFF ..hehehee.. and thank goodness you never read this

So despite the fact that i yet again lack a boy this year, valentines day was pretty good. I've never been one to scoff at the holiday, cause i think thats only what bitter people do. And actually, i think its a really cool holiday and people just make too much of this whole couples thing.
I was determined not to stay home for valentines. i needed to be out. i needed my parents to think that there was perhaps a boy who was willing to make me run away from them; who maybe was a threat to their grasp on me. I dont know why, i just feel better knowing this. Gee, after reading that, it makes you wonder why i haven't thrown myself at some weird ghetto malvern boy and am bearing his children right now as we speak. I've always told my mom she was lucky i never tunred out to be on of those girls.. cause i SO could have been. But yeah fun with friends and food and fatty desserts and coffee. What more could i ask for? i didnt have a date with just one boy, i had it with two and three girlfriends.. hehehe
I think the change in people and environment was good for me, which kinda just confirms my whole 'fear of committment' thing i have, but lately. some people are just starting to bring me down and i realize for my own health and sanity, no matter how much i love them as friends or how much fun i sometimes have with them, i need to be away. I get to involved somethinmes i think i get to codependent if thats even what it is. Oh crap i just picked my scab and now i'm bleeding. mental note: jeff is getting a big head from so many girls vying to be his back up prom date. don't encourage it. lol

New Year's Resolutions well sort of..
I've decided that i need fixing. I'm broken too. I feel like writing it on my head, just to warn people. I don't know when i got broken, or exactly what did it to me, I just am. Sometimes I'll do something or say something and simutaneously wonder what the hell i am doing. Sometimes i don't understand. I don't like some of the things i do...
-i'm going to be nicer
-less cynical, but still realistic
-i'm gonna stop fighting with people as if they are an ex-husband or mother-in-law that i just never got along with. I would rather just leave the situation alone.
-i will no longer hang around people who send me bad vibes.. i think i am slowly being eaten away and turning into them.
-i'm gonna start trying, REALLY trying
-gain a new appreciation for the small things
-rekindle somewhat lost friendships
this list could go on forever,. but i guess ill stop it here. I am a work in progress, or shoudl i say, I'm under construction?

someone take me out for valentine's.. in SOO not staying home

Four day weekend baby!
So it's been an awesome weekend.... why can't every weekend be four days and full of friend goodness? I'm spoiled i admit it.. i have awesome people around me.
here's an update:
wednesday night after I finished work, despite her sense of better judgement, nicki lets me kidnap her for an evening of eating and girly bonding. We picked up some bubble tea (yes, how very asian of me), wings and pizza and went to her house. I like those quiet nights at home, well maybe quiet isn't quite the word to describe it really, cause we get pretty loud..
Thursday i call up jeanette, who's always ready for fun (that is why i love her) and we end up going to market with sam.. we picked out our lunches from meus we only half understood and from pictures posted on the wall. after bitching for 3 hours we end up at lis's house for a continuation of what can only be called bitchfest. I LOVED IT! so therapeutic. i swear its the only reason why i havent murdered someone yet. To end the day, shopping spree at shoppers, even more chinese food, and a night at moomoo's which ended early for me cause i was soo tired.
Friday I finally get to spend some time with jaxs.... who is satan and lures me away from my computer and english (which is why i love her..lol). We get mcdonalds and end up at luke's house. I've never really been in there before.. only once, long enough to break a bee. I love luke.. i love snowflake, i love his bird that woos me with her love call. Oh and he has this awesome flying monkey target game. it's the BEST! i wouldnt rather have anyone else laugh at my failures.. its funny cause he seriously tried really REALLY hard to teach me, but i failed. After work its movie night at moomoos. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!! lol
Saturday didnt look like it would amount to much especially since work and car conflicts stopped sam and i from having our date.. But there was still an impromptu, late-night adventure. It's amazing how one night can change your view of someone almost totally around. i love my boys.. yes, thats right they're MY boys.. lol HOOKER HUNTING was funny. (and yes, if anyone was wondering, there are still hookers out at 2 am in the middle of winter)
Sunday stayed home to make self less guilty of weekend goodness

i found out this week that i wasnt a total failure at calc, which i started to convince myself i was. its strange, but i seriously don't derserve the mark i got, cause really, i didnt understand it, but by some miracle, it seems as though all the answers in the answer key were magically changed to mine. i sat in my bedroom for a good portion of the day just reading.. nothing i liked, was reading a school novel-forcing it down my throat really. but its read and i can do the 3 essays that follw and be done the next couple of lessons.. also ended up watching a couple of movies later on in the night. i needed the me time. i needed not to have to talk to anyone. sometimes i'm actually thankful that my house runs the way it does.

i think i messed up my blog

so i've finally taken a day off from my so far incredibly crazy christmas break. i'm SUPPOSED to be skiing today... i'm SUPPOSED to go out with laurallini and chananagan for girly goodness... i'm SUPPOSED to go downtown to drop off my correspondence.. but i really dont feel up to any of it. i feel like being bum-y... but im forcing myself to do homework...i think im getting stomach problems from the cookies i just ate.. uhoh

so i wrote a whole big thing here last week, buts its all gone because blogger broke and i didnt feel like writting it again.. so here's another rant.

why do i get myself involved in all these things? why do i seem to care so much when it doesnt directly affect me? why do i let what's going on in other people's lives shake me up? There's been a lot of demented chaos around me and a lot of bitterness, confusion, and stupidness to boot. i need to get away from it all because it's really bad for me. its making me bitter and mean and... it just doesnt feel good. i think its time for some me time

testing?

and...
i was going through my envelope of warm and fuzzies again when i got home. i've decided that's what everyone needs - a package of love. something they can carry with them wherever they go. something to remind them of where they've been and of all the people who have supported them and continue to do so along the way. something that they can open up when they're down and need a pick-me-up or just because..
i wanted to put actual thought into these warm and fuzzies, but a lot of them just turned out to be half-assed letters, desperatly telling people how much they mean to me..but really, that little sheet of paper, and the 5 seconds given to us to write them counldnt do anyone justice. there were envelopes i could have filled by myself if i were given the time, because there was just that much to say.

it's been so long since i have last written i here, it actually feels weird. that oac retreat was just what i needed, and i didnt even know it. everyone needed to just let it all out.
everyone needed to be reminded of how much they are loved
everyone needed to be shown that even though some of us have only exchanged a few words in the last 4 years, we're still connected in a way
everyone needed to collectivly let out their anxieties, feelings, and thoughts, because in the end, we found out that we're not so different afterall.
everyone needed to say what was on their minds
everyone needed to see mcmorrow's hair that night during the campfire..lol
we've all carried eachother through the years, whether we've known it or not.
this is going to be the fastest 7 months in the world.
thank you

its weird how even though you know something is gonna eventually happen, when it does, it doesnt come as a surprise but still effects you? it's weird, but it seems as though i've been in a soap opera episode the last couple of weeks.. or at least a eventful tv show.
there have been so many ups and downs, times of joys, and times where i would just sit and wallow.
a lot has happened . heres a breif update:
-stuff has been going on.. and well, but what effects others, effects me. (i have also realized that i dont know when to use effect and affect..i thought i knew.,. but wow writing that just got me all confused.) its surprising to see how much crap people are actually dealing with on a day to day basis..relationships are tough, and i dont meanjust the boyfriend/girlfriend type.
-i've been working like a dog.. two jobs, which also means basically never seeing my house. i haven't been eating properly.. cause well there's no time.. but that's all gonna be over soon, so its okay.
-my mom is actually letting me to go montreal, which was a surprise..but there is no one else to share the bus with.. so now the dilemma is, do i wanna sit on the bus with a stranger and pay more for it? but montreal is so worth it..i dunno.. we'll see.
-went through university info books and decided what i wanted to do with my life-about a thousand different times. turns out i wanna be a microbiologist/immunobiologist doctor with a degree in pharmacology, who during her spare time does work relating to genetics and is an obstetrician on the side. i would throw in a bit of biochemistry or biophysics, but i dont know what they are yet.. so basically, i still dont know what im doing, but by the sound of it, western and u oft dont make you choose first year anyways.. willread more info books later.. do you think i can get mcgill to send me one of theirs?
-this stupid sac dance is taking up more time than i anticipated.. arg.. why oh why..
-i'm sick.. and when i'm sick, i'm a big baby..im sorry.
-my dad is mad atme again.. i wonder why i even try cause it gets me no where.. but as vanessa says, "we;re 18 and should be used to it by now" and i am, which sometimes makes me worry.
- i think i should start packing in some volunteer time.. but im so not willing to sacrifice the hours. ugh
-$15,000x 4 yrs = $60 000 yikes and i still wont be done school by then.
-should get ready for horrid sac trip that i payed wayy to much for considering i'm only spending one night there.. but on the brighter side of things, i'm only spending one night there!
-need to exchange money and get insureance for new york trip.. exchange rate is shitty though.. but next week, will drive to the bank and get this all done,, also showing father that i dont need his help afterall, i am self sufficient woman. did i tellyouhow mad he was when he found out i got myself insured for the car when he refused to do it for me? haha it was great. (note: must also learn to do taxes, just because i dont want HIM doing it. who wants to teach me?)
-also had great fun at korean BBQ
-developing distaste for a certain new teacher...

hey you guys.. message from yoyo:
HEY EVERYONE!! LISTEN UP!!

I just created a webspace on msn for Mary Ward OAC's!
there's a message board and a chat room!
so feel free to go there whenever you are bored and post stuff about life, music, school or whatever. Chances are there will be other ppl on and you can chat with them as well!!
here's the link
http://groups.msn.com/MaryWardOACboard/

new 'bag' from the Bay..............................$1.79
cake to surprise a friend............................$1.85
my portion of the pizza..............................$2.25
bus fare to and from Downtown..................$5.00
socks from jacob.......................................$19.27
gas for the car..........................................$22.50
pilates book from Chapters........................$25.11
clothes from Old Navy...............................$52.79
a weekend filled with friends...................priceless

hehee i know, that was cheesy

so i went to work today at the store, hoping that somehow the managers working would be the ones who didn't know about the other job, because simply, i was too confused to be ready to have a conversation about it..but both were there. i managed to avoid the subject the whole night, almost thinking that maybe since they never got a call for references, they just assumed i didnt get it, or perhaps they had somehow forgotten altogether. but as we were closing, tom says to me, "so about that thing that we talked about the other night, what's going on with that?" i felt my heart sink.. so i told him what was going on. i told him that i wanted to come back for christmas because even though it was hell, it was one of the best times of the year as well. i asked when they would be doing the seasonal hiring so i would come back and reapply. He looked at me and said, "come back any time, there will always be a job for you here." and even though he may not have fully meant it, to me, he seemed truly sincere, and for some reason it meant the world to me.

wow i'm so tired
so i just got back from a bbq, which eventually had to be moved into my friend's dinning room because it was thunderstorming.. lol but despite all the fun, it really made me think. now that i sort of have two jobs (well at least during the next week, while the doctor 'sees' how everything works out) of course im debating which one i should take if in fact i do end up with two. the office job yes is a new experience.. and yes it pays more... but am i really ready to give up old navy yet? it's really not that bad.. my managers are awesome and the rest of the staff gets along so well.. and i like doing cash! at the office its the same old 4 people. although the dentist assistant people are relatively young.. but not young enough for me to hang out with..at the same time, i think that the only reason why i'm so reluctant to leave is BECAUSE i'm comfortable at the store. it was so overwhelming today... and to think that i still don't know how to do half the stuff i'm supposed to... the previous secretary assistants got fired becuase they weren't performing up to their expectations.. what makes them think that i can? i mean these people couldnt have possibly been stupid. and the office is a longer bus ride.. and who knows i might not even get it cause i dotn speak chinese.. i dunno..i'm so confused and thise whole entry is a whole bunch of ramblings...

so i just had the most awkward conversation with my manager.. how do you explain exactly that you need a reference but still manage to not offend the store cause you might be leaving? i explained how i loved working there..i explained how i wanna come back for christmas even if i get the job.. i explained how it was last minute (which is why i called at 1030 at night)... i lied and said there were three other girls running for the position, thereby decreasing my chances..
worst thing is, i had to explain it to two managers cause the one that picked up wanted to know why i couldnt deal with her.. bur i need a change.. things have been stagnant for a while.

I, like everyone else is feeling swamped.. even before the work has really started. its so hard to believe that the third week of school is already here.. and what do i have to show for it? it's not like i'm doing anything about it either. i mean i work at it and all, but not as much as i should. i realized this weekend how much my work habits have changed.. it's not necessarily a bad thing mind you because i can still get it all done.. juts makes me think that's all.

i'm feeling like one of those jealous girlfriends... and it sucks.. it sucks even more that i'm not even a girlfriend..lol
i love these people.. but when they're there.. people act differently and i dont like it.

i don't know what's wrong with my computer.. it hasn't been letting me into hotmail... then i set up a yahoo account and it works, for a day, and then i cant login anymore.. why am i sucking?

and it starts once again
so as another school year begins, as always, ang is making her life more complicated than it really has to be. i hate courses. i never know which ones to choose. it's like this every year- i just write them all downonthe sheet and wait until the next year to really decide. but now im stuck (yes, this is exactly like the big avn/sph debacle of last year). mag or gwi? i really dont wanna take mag.. i really dont.. i have a lot on my plate already and another math is not going to help. BUT i may need it. i dont know. i dont think i do, but its the MAYBE that worries me. i wish i knew what the hell i am doing with myself. so you would htink that the answer is now obvious but i actually kinda like world issues and it'llbring up my average this year too.. and plus, it'll be a good break from all the math and sciences i will have this year. the other option is to actually do all 6 courses, two of which are ap, sac and the job (and somewhere in there was also a slight ambition to start up with yearbook again or possibly newspaper).. but i really dont feel like i can do all of that and NOT fail and continue to have a social life.. my one glimmer of hope and possible mantra? jess did it and more, so why the hell can't i?

goodbye summer
so this is it. once i go to bed, summer's over. it's back to classrooms, units, using full and complete sentences.. lol
my brain doesn't know how to function anymore... and suddenly it will be hit with bio and math and kopach.. how will i deal?