so with the craziness AFTER valentines.. lol well my matchmaker DID say i would be experiencing an emotional low.. lol but i dont think that quite explains it cause notice how its not exactly MY emotional low, its an emotional low caused by everyone else.

so vanessa and i totally made a yucky.. who'd have thought huh? DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! moomoo and ang strike again....lol

btw: THANK YOU JEFF ..hehehee.. and thank goodness you never read this

So despite the fact that i yet again lack a boy this year, valentines day was pretty good. I've never been one to scoff at the holiday, cause i think thats only what bitter people do. And actually, i think its a really cool holiday and people just make too much of this whole couples thing.
I was determined not to stay home for valentines. i needed to be out. i needed my parents to think that there was perhaps a boy who was willing to make me run away from them; who maybe was a threat to their grasp on me. I dont know why, i just feel better knowing this. Gee, after reading that, it makes you wonder why i haven't thrown myself at some weird ghetto malvern boy and am bearing his children right now as we speak. I've always told my mom she was lucky i never tunred out to be on of those girls.. cause i SO could have been. But yeah fun with friends and food and fatty desserts and coffee. What more could i ask for? i didnt have a date with just one boy, i had it with two and three girlfriends.. hehehe
I think the change in people and environment was good for me, which kinda just confirms my whole 'fear of committment' thing i have, but lately. some people are just starting to bring me down and i realize for my own health and sanity, no matter how much i love them as friends or how much fun i sometimes have with them, i need to be away. I get to involved somethinmes i think i get to codependent if thats even what it is. Oh crap i just picked my scab and now i'm bleeding. mental note: jeff is getting a big head from so many girls vying to be his back up prom date. don't encourage it. lol

New Year's Resolutions well sort of..
I've decided that i need fixing. I'm broken too. I feel like writing it on my head, just to warn people. I don't know when i got broken, or exactly what did it to me, I just am. Sometimes I'll do something or say something and simutaneously wonder what the hell i am doing. Sometimes i don't understand. I don't like some of the things i do...
-i'm going to be nicer
-less cynical, but still realistic
-i'm gonna stop fighting with people as if they are an ex-husband or mother-in-law that i just never got along with. I would rather just leave the situation alone.
-i will no longer hang around people who send me bad vibes.. i think i am slowly being eaten away and turning into them.
-i'm gonna start trying, REALLY trying
-gain a new appreciation for the small things
-rekindle somewhat lost friendships
this list could go on forever,. but i guess ill stop it here. I am a work in progress, or shoudl i say, I'm under construction?

someone take me out for valentine's.. in SOO not staying home

Four day weekend baby!
So it's been an awesome weekend.... why can't every weekend be four days and full of friend goodness? I'm spoiled i admit it.. i have awesome people around me.
here's an update:
wednesday night after I finished work, despite her sense of better judgement, nicki lets me kidnap her for an evening of eating and girly bonding. We picked up some bubble tea (yes, how very asian of me), wings and pizza and went to her house. I like those quiet nights at home, well maybe quiet isn't quite the word to describe it really, cause we get pretty loud..
Thursday i call up jeanette, who's always ready for fun (that is why i love her) and we end up going to market with sam.. we picked out our lunches from meus we only half understood and from pictures posted on the wall. after bitching for 3 hours we end up at lis's house for a continuation of what can only be called bitchfest. I LOVED IT! so therapeutic. i swear its the only reason why i havent murdered someone yet. To end the day, shopping spree at shoppers, even more chinese food, and a night at moomoo's which ended early for me cause i was soo tired.
Friday I finally get to spend some time with jaxs.... who is satan and lures me away from my computer and english (which is why i love her..lol). We get mcdonalds and end up at luke's house. I've never really been in there before.. only once, long enough to break a bee. I love luke.. i love snowflake, i love his bird that woos me with her love call. Oh and he has this awesome flying monkey target game. it's the BEST! i wouldnt rather have anyone else laugh at my failures.. its funny cause he seriously tried really REALLY hard to teach me, but i failed. After work its movie night at moomoos. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!! lol
Saturday didnt look like it would amount to much especially since work and car conflicts stopped sam and i from having our date.. But there was still an impromptu, late-night adventure. It's amazing how one night can change your view of someone almost totally around. i love my boys.. yes, thats right they're MY boys.. lol HOOKER HUNTING was funny. (and yes, if anyone was wondering, there are still hookers out at 2 am in the middle of winter)
Sunday stayed home to make self less guilty of weekend goodness

i found out this week that i wasnt a total failure at calc, which i started to convince myself i was. its strange, but i seriously don't derserve the mark i got, cause really, i didnt understand it, but by some miracle, it seems as though all the answers in the answer key were magically changed to mine. i sat in my bedroom for a good portion of the day just reading.. nothing i liked, was reading a school novel-forcing it down my throat really. but its read and i can do the 3 essays that follw and be done the next couple of lessons.. also ended up watching a couple of movies later on in the night. i needed the me time. i needed not to have to talk to anyone. sometimes i'm actually thankful that my house runs the way it does.

i think i messed up my blog

so i've finally taken a day off from my so far incredibly crazy christmas break. i'm SUPPOSED to be skiing today... i'm SUPPOSED to go out with laurallini and chananagan for girly goodness... i'm SUPPOSED to go downtown to drop off my correspondence.. but i really dont feel up to any of it. i feel like being bum-y... but im forcing myself to do homework...i think im getting stomach problems from the cookies i just ate.. uhoh

so i wrote a whole big thing here last week, buts its all gone because blogger broke and i didnt feel like writting it again.. so here's another rant.

why do i get myself involved in all these things? why do i seem to care so much when it doesnt directly affect me? why do i let what's going on in other people's lives shake me up? There's been a lot of demented chaos around me and a lot of bitterness, confusion, and stupidness to boot. i need to get away from it all because it's really bad for me. its making me bitter and mean and... it just doesnt feel good. i think its time for some me time

testing?

and...
i was going through my envelope of warm and fuzzies again when i got home. i've decided that's what everyone needs - a package of love. something they can carry with them wherever they go. something to remind them of where they've been and of all the people who have supported them and continue to do so along the way. something that they can open up when they're down and need a pick-me-up or just because..
i wanted to put actual thought into these warm and fuzzies, but a lot of them just turned out to be half-assed letters, desperatly telling people how much they mean to me..but really, that little sheet of paper, and the 5 seconds given to us to write them counldnt do anyone justice. there were envelopes i could have filled by myself if i were given the time, because there was just that much to say.

it's been so long since i have last written i here, it actually feels weird. that oac retreat was just what i needed, and i didnt even know it. everyone needed to just let it all out.
everyone needed to be reminded of how much they are loved
everyone needed to be shown that even though some of us have only exchanged a few words in the last 4 years, we're still connected in a way
everyone needed to collectivly let out their anxieties, feelings, and thoughts, because in the end, we found out that we're not so different afterall.
everyone needed to say what was on their minds
everyone needed to see mcmorrow's hair that night during the campfire..lol
we've all carried eachother through the years, whether we've known it or not.
this is going to be the fastest 7 months in the world.
thank you

its weird how even though you know something is gonna eventually happen, when it does, it doesnt come as a surprise but still effects you? it's weird, but it seems as though i've been in a soap opera episode the last couple of weeks.. or at least a eventful tv show.
there have been so many ups and downs, times of joys, and times where i would just sit and wallow.
a lot has happened . heres a breif update:
-stuff has been going on.. and well, but what effects others, effects me. (i have also realized that i dont know when to use effect and affect..i thought i knew.,. but wow writing that just got me all confused.) its surprising to see how much crap people are actually dealing with on a day to day basis..relationships are tough, and i dont meanjust the boyfriend/girlfriend type.
-i've been working like a dog.. two jobs, which also means basically never seeing my house. i haven't been eating properly.. cause well there's no time.. but that's all gonna be over soon, so its okay.
-my mom is actually letting me to go montreal, which was a surprise..but there is no one else to share the bus with.. so now the dilemma is, do i wanna sit on the bus with a stranger and pay more for it? but montreal is so worth it..i dunno.. we'll see.
-went through university info books and decided what i wanted to do with my life-about a thousand different times. turns out i wanna be a microbiologist/immunobiologist doctor with a degree in pharmacology, who during her spare time does work relating to genetics and is an obstetrician on the side. i would throw in a bit of biochemistry or biophysics, but i dont know what they are yet.. so basically, i still dont know what im doing, but by the sound of it, western and u oft dont make you choose first year anyways.. willread more info books later.. do you think i can get mcgill to send me one of theirs?
-this stupid sac dance is taking up more time than i anticipated.. arg.. why oh why..
-i'm sick.. and when i'm sick, i'm a big baby..im sorry.
-my dad is mad atme again.. i wonder why i even try cause it gets me no where.. but as vanessa says, "we;re 18 and should be used to it by now" and i am, which sometimes makes me worry.
- i think i should start packing in some volunteer time.. but im so not willing to sacrifice the hours. ugh
-$15,000x 4 yrs = $60 000 yikes and i still wont be done school by then.
-should get ready for horrid sac trip that i payed wayy to much for considering i'm only spending one night there.. but on the brighter side of things, i'm only spending one night there!
-need to exchange money and get insureance for new york trip.. exchange rate is shitty though.. but next week, will drive to the bank and get this all done,, also showing father that i dont need his help afterall, i am self sufficient woman. did i tellyouhow mad he was when he found out i got myself insured for the car when he refused to do it for me? haha it was great. (note: must also learn to do taxes, just because i dont want HIM doing it. who wants to teach me?)
-also had great fun at korean BBQ
-developing distaste for a certain new teacher...

hey you guys.. message from yoyo:
HEY EVERYONE!! LISTEN UP!!

I just created a webspace on msn for Mary Ward OAC's!
there's a message board and a chat room!
so feel free to go there whenever you are bored and post stuff about life, music, school or whatever. Chances are there will be other ppl on and you can chat with them as well!!
here's the link
http://groups.msn.com/MaryWardOACboard/

new 'bag' from the Bay..............................$1.79
cake to surprise a friend............................$1.85
my portion of the pizza..............................$2.25
bus fare to and from Downtown..................$5.00
socks from jacob.......................................$19.27
gas for the car..........................................$22.50
pilates book from Chapters........................$25.11
clothes from Old Navy...............................$52.79
a weekend filled with friends...................priceless

hehee i know, that was cheesy

so i went to work today at the store, hoping that somehow the managers working would be the ones who didn't know about the other job, because simply, i was too confused to be ready to have a conversation about it..but both were there. i managed to avoid the subject the whole night, almost thinking that maybe since they never got a call for references, they just assumed i didnt get it, or perhaps they had somehow forgotten altogether. but as we were closing, tom says to me, "so about that thing that we talked about the other night, what's going on with that?" i felt my heart sink.. so i told him what was going on. i told him that i wanted to come back for christmas because even though it was hell, it was one of the best times of the year as well. i asked when they would be doing the seasonal hiring so i would come back and reapply. He looked at me and said, "come back any time, there will always be a job for you here." and even though he may not have fully meant it, to me, he seemed truly sincere, and for some reason it meant the world to me.

wow i'm so tired
so i just got back from a bbq, which eventually had to be moved into my friend's dinning room because it was thunderstorming.. lol but despite all the fun, it really made me think. now that i sort of have two jobs (well at least during the next week, while the doctor 'sees' how everything works out) of course im debating which one i should take if in fact i do end up with two. the office job yes is a new experience.. and yes it pays more... but am i really ready to give up old navy yet? it's really not that bad.. my managers are awesome and the rest of the staff gets along so well.. and i like doing cash! at the office its the same old 4 people. although the dentist assistant people are relatively young.. but not young enough for me to hang out with..at the same time, i think that the only reason why i'm so reluctant to leave is BECAUSE i'm comfortable at the store. it was so overwhelming today... and to think that i still don't know how to do half the stuff i'm supposed to... the previous secretary assistants got fired becuase they weren't performing up to their expectations.. what makes them think that i can? i mean these people couldnt have possibly been stupid. and the office is a longer bus ride.. and who knows i might not even get it cause i dotn speak chinese.. i dunno..i'm so confused and thise whole entry is a whole bunch of ramblings...

so i just had the most awkward conversation with my manager.. how do you explain exactly that you need a reference but still manage to not offend the store cause you might be leaving? i explained how i loved working there..i explained how i wanna come back for christmas even if i get the job.. i explained how it was last minute (which is why i called at 1030 at night)... i lied and said there were three other girls running for the position, thereby decreasing my chances..
worst thing is, i had to explain it to two managers cause the one that picked up wanted to know why i couldnt deal with her.. bur i need a change.. things have been stagnant for a while.

I, like everyone else is feeling swamped.. even before the work has really started. its so hard to believe that the third week of school is already here.. and what do i have to show for it? it's not like i'm doing anything about it either. i mean i work at it and all, but not as much as i should. i realized this weekend how much my work habits have changed.. it's not necessarily a bad thing mind you because i can still get it all done.. juts makes me think that's all.

i'm feeling like one of those jealous girlfriends... and it sucks.. it sucks even more that i'm not even a girlfriend..lol
i love these people.. but when they're there.. people act differently and i dont like it.