so i wrote a whole big thing here last week, buts its all gone because blogger broke and i didnt feel like writting it again.. so here's another rant.

why do i get myself involved in all these things? why do i seem to care so much when it doesnt directly affect me? why do i let what's going on in other people's lives shake me up? There's been a lot of demented chaos around me and a lot of bitterness, confusion, and stupidness to boot. i need to get away from it all because it's really bad for me. its making me bitter and mean and... it just doesnt feel good. i think its time for some me time

testing?

and...
i was going through my envelope of warm and fuzzies again when i got home. i've decided that's what everyone needs - a package of love. something they can carry with them wherever they go. something to remind them of where they've been and of all the people who have supported them and continue to do so along the way. something that they can open up when they're down and need a pick-me-up or just because..
i wanted to put actual thought into these warm and fuzzies, but a lot of them just turned out to be half-assed letters, desperatly telling people how much they mean to me..but really, that little sheet of paper, and the 5 seconds given to us to write them counldnt do anyone justice. there were envelopes i could have filled by myself if i were given the time, because there was just that much to say.

it's been so long since i have last written i here, it actually feels weird. that oac retreat was just what i needed, and i didnt even know it. everyone needed to just let it all out.
everyone needed to be reminded of how much they are loved
everyone needed to be shown that even though some of us have only exchanged a few words in the last 4 years, we're still connected in a way
everyone needed to collectivly let out their anxieties, feelings, and thoughts, because in the end, we found out that we're not so different afterall.
everyone needed to say what was on their minds
everyone needed to see mcmorrow's hair that night during the campfire..lol
we've all carried eachother through the years, whether we've known it or not.
this is going to be the fastest 7 months in the world.
thank you

its weird how even though you know something is gonna eventually happen, when it does, it doesnt come as a surprise but still effects you? it's weird, but it seems as though i've been in a soap opera episode the last couple of weeks.. or at least a eventful tv show.
there have been so many ups and downs, times of joys, and times where i would just sit and wallow.
a lot has happened . heres a breif update:
-stuff has been going on.. and well, but what effects others, effects me. (i have also realized that i dont know when to use effect and affect..i thought i knew.,. but wow writing that just got me all confused.) its surprising to see how much crap people are actually dealing with on a day to day basis..relationships are tough, and i dont meanjust the boyfriend/girlfriend type.
-i've been working like a dog.. two jobs, which also means basically never seeing my house. i haven't been eating properly.. cause well there's no time.. but that's all gonna be over soon, so its okay.
-my mom is actually letting me to go montreal, which was a surprise..but there is no one else to share the bus with.. so now the dilemma is, do i wanna sit on the bus with a stranger and pay more for it? but montreal is so worth it..i dunno.. we'll see.
-went through university info books and decided what i wanted to do with my life-about a thousand different times. turns out i wanna be a microbiologist/immunobiologist doctor with a degree in pharmacology, who during her spare time does work relating to genetics and is an obstetrician on the side. i would throw in a bit of biochemistry or biophysics, but i dont know what they are yet.. so basically, i still dont know what im doing, but by the sound of it, western and u oft dont make you choose first year anyways.. willread more info books later.. do you think i can get mcgill to send me one of theirs?
-this stupid sac dance is taking up more time than i anticipated.. arg.. why oh why..
-i'm sick.. and when i'm sick, i'm a big baby..im sorry.
-my dad is mad atme again.. i wonder why i even try cause it gets me no where.. but as vanessa says, "we;re 18 and should be used to it by now" and i am, which sometimes makes me worry.
- i think i should start packing in some volunteer time.. but im so not willing to sacrifice the hours. ugh
-$15,000x 4 yrs = $60 000 yikes and i still wont be done school by then.
-should get ready for horrid sac trip that i payed wayy to much for considering i'm only spending one night there.. but on the brighter side of things, i'm only spending one night there!
-need to exchange money and get insureance for new york trip.. exchange rate is shitty though.. but next week, will drive to the bank and get this all done,, also showing father that i dont need his help afterall, i am self sufficient woman. did i tellyouhow mad he was when he found out i got myself insured for the car when he refused to do it for me? haha it was great. (note: must also learn to do taxes, just because i dont want HIM doing it. who wants to teach me?)
-also had great fun at korean BBQ
-developing distaste for a certain new teacher...

hey you guys.. message from yoyo:
HEY EVERYONE!! LISTEN UP!!

I just created a webspace on msn for Mary Ward OAC's!
there's a message board and a chat room!
so feel free to go there whenever you are bored and post stuff about life, music, school or whatever. Chances are there will be other ppl on and you can chat with them as well!!
here's the link
http://groups.msn.com/MaryWardOACboard/

new 'bag' from the Bay..............................$1.79
cake to surprise a friend............................$1.85
my portion of the pizza..............................$2.25
bus fare to and from Downtown..................$5.00
socks from jacob.......................................$19.27
gas for the car..........................................$22.50
pilates book from Chapters........................$25.11
clothes from Old Navy...............................$52.79
a weekend filled with friends...................priceless

hehee i know, that was cheesy

so i went to work today at the store, hoping that somehow the managers working would be the ones who didn't know about the other job, because simply, i was too confused to be ready to have a conversation about it..but both were there. i managed to avoid the subject the whole night, almost thinking that maybe since they never got a call for references, they just assumed i didnt get it, or perhaps they had somehow forgotten altogether. but as we were closing, tom says to me, "so about that thing that we talked about the other night, what's going on with that?" i felt my heart sink.. so i told him what was going on. i told him that i wanted to come back for christmas because even though it was hell, it was one of the best times of the year as well. i asked when they would be doing the seasonal hiring so i would come back and reapply. He looked at me and said, "come back any time, there will always be a job for you here." and even though he may not have fully meant it, to me, he seemed truly sincere, and for some reason it meant the world to me.

wow i'm so tired
so i just got back from a bbq, which eventually had to be moved into my friend's dinning room because it was thunderstorming.. lol but despite all the fun, it really made me think. now that i sort of have two jobs (well at least during the next week, while the doctor 'sees' how everything works out) of course im debating which one i should take if in fact i do end up with two. the office job yes is a new experience.. and yes it pays more... but am i really ready to give up old navy yet? it's really not that bad.. my managers are awesome and the rest of the staff gets along so well.. and i like doing cash! at the office its the same old 4 people. although the dentist assistant people are relatively young.. but not young enough for me to hang out with..at the same time, i think that the only reason why i'm so reluctant to leave is BECAUSE i'm comfortable at the store. it was so overwhelming today... and to think that i still don't know how to do half the stuff i'm supposed to... the previous secretary assistants got fired becuase they weren't performing up to their expectations.. what makes them think that i can? i mean these people couldnt have possibly been stupid. and the office is a longer bus ride.. and who knows i might not even get it cause i dotn speak chinese.. i dunno..i'm so confused and thise whole entry is a whole bunch of ramblings...

so i just had the most awkward conversation with my manager.. how do you explain exactly that you need a reference but still manage to not offend the store cause you might be leaving? i explained how i loved working there..i explained how i wanna come back for christmas even if i get the job.. i explained how it was last minute (which is why i called at 1030 at night)... i lied and said there were three other girls running for the position, thereby decreasing my chances..
worst thing is, i had to explain it to two managers cause the one that picked up wanted to know why i couldnt deal with her.. bur i need a change.. things have been stagnant for a while.

I, like everyone else is feeling swamped.. even before the work has really started. its so hard to believe that the third week of school is already here.. and what do i have to show for it? it's not like i'm doing anything about it either. i mean i work at it and all, but not as much as i should. i realized this weekend how much my work habits have changed.. it's not necessarily a bad thing mind you because i can still get it all done.. juts makes me think that's all.

i'm feeling like one of those jealous girlfriends... and it sucks.. it sucks even more that i'm not even a girlfriend..lol
i love these people.. but when they're there.. people act differently and i dont like it.

i don't know what's wrong with my computer.. it hasn't been letting me into hotmail... then i set up a yahoo account and it works, for a day, and then i cant login anymore.. why am i sucking?

and it starts once again
so as another school year begins, as always, ang is making her life more complicated than it really has to be. i hate courses. i never know which ones to choose. it's like this every year- i just write them all downonthe sheet and wait until the next year to really decide. but now im stuck (yes, this is exactly like the big avn/sph debacle of last year). mag or gwi? i really dont wanna take mag.. i really dont.. i have a lot on my plate already and another math is not going to help. BUT i may need it. i dont know. i dont think i do, but its the MAYBE that worries me. i wish i knew what the hell i am doing with myself. so you would htink that the answer is now obvious but i actually kinda like world issues and it'llbring up my average this year too.. and plus, it'll be a good break from all the math and sciences i will have this year. the other option is to actually do all 6 courses, two of which are ap, sac and the job (and somewhere in there was also a slight ambition to start up with yearbook again or possibly newspaper).. but i really dont feel like i can do all of that and NOT fail and continue to have a social life.. my one glimmer of hope and possible mantra? jess did it and more, so why the hell can't i?

goodbye summer
so this is it. once i go to bed, summer's over. it's back to classrooms, units, using full and complete sentences.. lol
my brain doesn't know how to function anymore... and suddenly it will be hit with bio and math and kopach.. how will i deal?

i apologize to the people reading this.. i know i havent been posting at all, and when i do, it's garbage that no one understands. i too get frustrated when i come on and there is nothing new to read on other people's blogs, so i understand. it's just that i don't feel the need to write here anymore. maybe i'm growing out of it too.. but i think i'll keep it around because afterall, school is starting up once again, and i may need to turn back to this. i did a lot of stuff this summer, gained some independence, wasted some money, spent a lot of time with friends; made new bonds and reaffirmed old ones. most importantly, i grew significantly as a person, or at least I think so. i feel more self-assured. i feel more grown up. i feel different. it's good, i like it. i got a lot of things outta the way this summer.. things i have been waiting for what seems like forever for. i feel more grown up i guess. wow... ang grown up. lol

i can't believe summer is over. wow. so many things happened. i can't even believe it myself. sigh.. tomorrow crepes?

so that's it.. my french boy has gone. who's up for renting a room at a certain hotel so that i can secretly stalk him? lol.. okay maybe a little too far there.

you know you've been spending too much time with black people when... you're a little asian girl who says things like "tough" or "we'll reach ____". hahaha. (disclaimer: although this may sound incredibly racist, i dont mean this in any racist way. this is for those of you reading this who really dont know me that well) I've been spending a lot of time with people from work lately, especially these two guys who live by me. i've never really had friends who were close enough that i could just drop by anytime like this before, other than jaxs's house of course. i've been seeing them wayy too much.. lol every day almost. no matter what we do during the day, somehow at night, we see eachother. it's kinda nice just walking around my neighbourhood, or sitting on the porch with pop, or just haning out in the streets. it may seem simple, but hey, i've never done this before. like tonight, i got a drive home from a friend who went out of his way to drive me home so i wouldn't get raped. we ended up just eating ice cream on my lawn.. mmm hagen dazs. tomorrow? helping someone pick out a birthday present for his girlfriend.. hehehe me and a bunch of football jocks at STC.. hehehe.

Happy Birthday to Me
If one word could describe my day today, it would be love. i felt SOO loved. it makes me smile just thinking about it. I have awesome friends.. and they all went out of their way today to make me feel like a princess. my girls came out fro lunch with me- jaxs, petrina and vanessa.. after a bit of catching up, shopping and eating incredibly sweet cake at my house, jaxs and i went to yoyo's house. it was stupid fun, but fun nonetheless. they ordered pizza and surprised me with ice cream cake. then a visit to a few friends/coworkers in my area with a late-night delivery of cake. lol Thank you guys and everyone that called. and thanks soo mucho jaxs