thinking again
no matter how hard i try to pretend or convince myself otherwise, im still the silly little girl that cares too much about stupid things and who gets easily excited and who has an incredibly soft underbelly that she keeps heavily guarded. yes i may be loud at times, vocal about all my problems, and seemingly open. sometimes i get myself convinced that perhaps i have moved past my problems; moved past my insecurities and have developed that 'toughness' i have always wanted. i hate being the person to cry once someone yells or to be so stupid that i get frustrated with MYSELF, or the person that reverts back to the shy, mute 4th grader whenever the situation seems to get a little overwhelming. i've always admired people for their independence, their self-confidence, and infectious personalities. i merely pretend. i guess who's to know that they're not pretending right? everyone has their own closet of skeletons i suppose.

well look at that
i am really starting to feel a sense of comfort here, much to my surprise. it wasnt as though i was uncomfortable before (well i was for a bit) but its starting to actually feel like my school. im starting to meet more normal people and talk about normal everyday things instead of the fake small talk i got so annoyed at. the labs and tutorials DO help..well some more than others i guess. i still dont bump into familiar faces as often as i would like but its starting to be okay i can feel it. its honestly a great feeling going into clss and knowing there will be someone there that you know waiting.
the clubs here are a big disappointment...there ISNT a club for everyone. they think there is but not for ang...new thing on list: second year start a club (provided its not too hard to)

hmm.. i wonder what my horoscope said for this month...

upsidedownagain
so nothing happened afteral, even after the freak out. and i honestly cannot say i was disappointed. after a conversation today, it really hit me that if it had actally occured, i dont know what i would have done. things just got so messed up you know? and most of the freak out was because of this reason. im just here.. hi

in need of a little advice
i should be in a physics lecture right now...but i got up and dressed and was already out of the door and changed my mind and walked right back in and took my shoes off. i wasnt going in. it looks miserable outside and technically i already learned this stuff..twice now.
so things got a little interesting last night and yes i needed my moo to freak out to. its times like these that i thank the genius that created the labatt blue line..lol
i'm sure it can't be anything bad, but man it doesnt matter what it is anymore because no matter what happens, it will be bad just because of the situation. i'm just waiting for it to happen cause im so curious but at the same time hoping it doesn't. i'm so confused i dont know what i feel. yeah i dont try to understand myself anymore...

better the second time around
there was something about the visit this time; something about it that allowed me to come back and feel okay about being here. i dont know if it was just a realization that nothing really has changed afterall, or that maybe we are not that far away, or maybe something entirely different that i just cant explain, but what i can say is that it changed me...even if only slightly. i'm more comfortable here now, and on the 2 hour drive up, i no longer felt any pangs of homesickness or fears of impending doom that i had felt on previous trips. could it be a new sense of security? i dont know. needlesstosay the trip and the many people who were apart of the friend-filled weekend was what i needed. hahaha scarborough day.lol

packing...sorta
i didn't think it would turn into something this big. i feel almost princess-y. hahaha. well i do. shut up. and although i was unsure of whether or not to come back so soon, im sooo glad i am making the trip now. what moo said was true, i dont think we realized how much we missed eachother's company until i knew i was coming back for a while. i wish it was a longer trip, not the one day that im really going to be in for, but my schedule's not as nice a jeff's who can leave thursday evening if he wants. i can't wait to see everyone. i thought all those emotions were put behind me now, but oh man they just might resurface. just one more class at 4 and then an interesting trip to the bus station and i'll be home.

just one of 'em days
today in my psychology class, the teacher told us to turn the page of the handout that was distributed, and the roar of over 1200 rustling papers filled the room. that one little sound, echoed 1200 times created an incredible amount of noise. it made me realize the enormity of the class, and how insignificant i, and my sad little rustle was. i think that's the biggest thing i've had to deal with here. i didn't mind so much being different, i minded the fact that i was lost. its a new sense of lonely, but at the same time mixed with feelings of excitement as i explore... its really strange actually.
the girls here make me want to develop an eating disorder and dye my hair blonde.. haha okay i dont really mean that, but wow i think i understand how come girls go to such extremes to get 'the look' cause when youre different in a cookie cutter world, youre REALLY different.

wishing you were here
while freezing on the hill for closing ceremonies, among the many cheers, music, and random noises i heard throughout it all, one song stood out. there was just something about it. and its not as though ive never heard it before, when it was popular it played quite often in fact, but this was the first time it meant something to me; the first time i felt something from it. it was like a tingle or weird electric shock went through me. it reminded me of a certain someone and at that moment i would have done anything to be with them. it made me kinda regret not coming home this weekend. i know two and a half hours isnt far away but its still enough. and despite my better judgment, i'm letting it happen all over again.

wrist checks
things have started to settle down. STARTED. we still ahve frosh going onwhich turns things a little crazy. i think i might be getting sick. i can feel myself getting weaker. this is what no sleep does to ang. gotta start popping those vitamins. although it took a while, i am getting used to the fact that i'm walking around alone, going into massive classes filled with hundreds of people and sitting beside a complete stranger. but ive met far more people this way than i have during the first few days of frosh, which were forgettable. i made my way to the td bank on the outskirts of the other side of campus. i;ve decided to get a presidents choice account so i can use the cibc here. td builds fuckin stadium here but cant put in an automatic teller. meeting up with nicole later to find her roomate and have some adventures downtown. yeah i nkow im skipping out on frosh but i think im over it. i dont NEED to go to a carnival.

i want to take off these wristbands that do nothing more than identify me as frosh (and get me into some events). i liked walking around campus annonymous with my sweatshirt over the unmistakable bright blue band. older students alwasy loko at you and you see their eyes dart straight to your arm for the wrist check. but it goes the other way around too...frosh alws do the wrist check before talking to others. i do it too.. its kinda funny. no one talks to me when they cant se emy wristband.

flippin coins
it was going great..until suddenly it wasnt. i dont know what i did wrong. i could even be imagining this problem. but i really feel as though something is up because well..dammit dont ask. i dont know what i did to make it bad and maybe i do have an idea but im not even sure. oh man why cant people just say why theyre pissed off? it would make everyone's lives a whole lot easier. i would know why i suck and you would get it resolved. its times like these that i understand why sometimes things are the way they are and havent turned into anything more. because if there were, i wouldnt be allowed to push the hurt and whatnot aside, telling myself that i shouldnt expect things and i shouldnt get my hopes up. its hard when you dont know really. okay im going to sleep.

no woman no cry
tomrrow is classes and although a part of me is yearning for something more than meaningless craziness, i am of course also deathly afraid. im not expecting the classes to be that hard, but even today, after talking to professors and having them give us brief 'talk/presentation' about their subject, i was hit in the face with how much i didnt know. there were things that seemed as though it came so naturally to some, like naming the three most abundant elements on earth. things like this i do not know and things like this make me realize that i am in a much bigger pond with far more fishes to compete with. i dont know if im ready for that shot at the ego. i like being on top, maybe not at the peak, but close enough. its scary how if i had dropped three more percent, i may not have made it. i am tired.. but its DISCO SCI tonight, whatever that means

swirling
there is so much stuff happening and even though i am unsure whether i want to be apart of it all sometimes, im glad i am here nonetheless. there is so much to tell and to show but it is 2:41 and havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night since frosh started. and if you know me well, you'll know that im starting to die. its weird how not only are things here changing, everything, even at home has responded as well. only time will tell i guess. thank god for pictures and msn and webcams and microphones. without them i dont know what i would have done. a part of me is still convinced that this is all a trip.. like queens and that i;ll be packing up soon. i need to definitly thank my girls for all the birthday stuff that now hangs in my room. my palm tree is standing tall and for pet who insisted i take the boards of pictures when i was unsure whether i will have anywhere to put them... they helped a lot.

sneaky sneaky
i dont know.. (well maybe i do a little)... but after that phone call, everything sort of changed. it was weird and nothing i had ever expected. kinda like all the things the horoscopes were promising me, were actually coming true.. in a weird and not-exactly-what-it-said sorta way. but i guess ill take it however it comes to me right?
theres four more days and i feel as though i cant absorb it all.. even if i wanted to. i find myself retreating more towards the people i am comfortable with, rather than trying to see the most people possible, like i thought i would be doing. i think its me realizing who is important...who is worth spending my time with right now. if its a maturation, i dont know...but man its gonna hurt i can feel it. things are alreayd starting to get in the way.
someone told me today that they were gonna cry when the time came just because they were going to miss this other person so much. i dont want to be there for that. not because its wrong or gross.. i just dont think i could take it.

ups and downs
is it wrong that sometimes i just want to smack certain people? its funny how in this time of longing to hold on and sad goodbyes, there is also a few people i want to hit upside the head. i feel guilty. i should be missing them. i should be wanting to spend more time with them. i feel like i should be doing a lot of things actually. but i dont. instead im yelling at them over icq.. over a subject that i really shouldnt be involved with. and i know i shouldnt be angry..but man his attitude towards some things just suck. i dont understand how everything in the world can be seen like that. when you laugh and have an awesome day, how you can still go home and have a shit view on life. can't people just learn to deal with the crap in their life? i know this may sound cruel.. but dammit its not like this is anything new.. you should be used to it by now. and it only gets sadder and sadder with each passing day that you let it affect you the way it does. it is like nothing can convince him that life isnt out to get him... but again, this is coming from a person that sees an interesting insect or a cute couple and is happy. i guess at least he's consistent right? lol
on another note..
had an awesome conversation with someone that at one point i thought i had honestly lost. it was made better by the fact that it came from no where..that it was three hours of stuff..that now it actually feels like i know this person that much better. it was great.. i love those talks that leave you glowing..satisfied..like you actually talked about something more than the usual daily crap. havent had one of those for a while, and i realized afterwards that it was what i needed. its times like these that make me wonder how i will survive without certain people in my life.

8 more days... ohman
one person gone already. it signifies the begining of the end i guess you can say. it is only downhill from here as we realize that there are less and less people around and more people that you will not see for at least a few months. it is definitly weird going from seeing everyone everyday to recognizing no one at all. its sad that at every outting before saying goodbye, you have to mentally check if this is the last time youre seeing them because it could be your final goodbye. and even though a few months pass by so quickly now, and it only means our reunion at christmas will be THAT much better, it also means because i am losing people, i have to WORK at finding new ones. i hate making new friends. it isnt fun until you begin to get comfortable with them, and i apparently dont have enough patience. but i guess its all another step to conquer; another way to discover myself. i need it too.
and even though i was afraid, it turned out to be well worth the wait. and despite fights, misunderstandings, and retarded msn conversations, it is ten times better to live through the shit than be mute with the shit until it explodes. and yes, it was appreciated, but i guess you could see that.

cankles
it's like he's back again.. the same person that made me laugh, made me swoon.. made me feel as though we'd always be friends. its not the same as before, but maybe its better because less expectations are being put on everything this time. i missed him. for a while he was ruined and gone.. and it felt as though he really didnt care. no one has been quite able to figure him out...why sometimes he is so fuckin awesome the be around and sometimes he is ass...and why no one knows a damn thing.

learning to let go
some people just simply don't get it, even when you say it straight to their faces. and although it frustrates me to no end, it is how they are and in a way i must just accept. i have done my part and have told them. i shouldnt expect everyone to change just cause i say so afterall. but i hate it when i am the one that seems like a bitch cause im the only one that says anything when the whole world is thinking it. can't we all just get along.. i can't believe this might resort to something already visited.. ugh

if you were a booger, i'd pick you
i'm so exhausted right now... but dammit i have the greatest friends in the entire world! i've never had a real birthday party my whole life. no party hats, loots bags or a house full of kids my age running around. i guess it was worth the wait. teehee i hope the same goes with you know what. lol (for those of you that know me well, you know exactly what i mean, and yes i am a loser). and maybe i didnt cry, as predicted earlier i would in a situation like this but i wanted to. palm tree, flamingos, fishes and birds in the trees, balloons and streamers, angie, pants and sting ray...it was great. my 'boys' showed up and almost everyone i needed to be there was threre and oh man i just have no words. thank you.. soo much.

wringing out the last juicy bits of summer...yes even the chunky ones
i'm busy and i love it! i have plans and i'm excited and i'm ready to finish this summer with a bang. yes it started slow..well actually it was never really slow for me but it was slow in comparison to these last few weeks...but wow what a finale. i'm worried i cant fit everything in and yes although im the type of person that thrives on being busy and stretching myself, i really didnt think that this was how summer was going to end. a little more lounging and doing nothing surrounded by friends yes..a little less frantic (i thought i would be prepared by now) we are all idiots who were too lazy to do anything during the begining and middle when it seemed as though we had all the time in the world. but here the end is, facing us dead on. next week people are leaving and soon i will be too. and i know i may not have that much time to pack between work, family from montreal, our girlie trailer days up north, montreal with petrina to move jeanette up, and all the other goodness with friends, but i figure packing is not the most important thing in the world right now; especially with the fact that clothes, still on the hanger dump into a cardboard box so well and technically my computer stuff is already in boxes, and i only really live 2 and 1/2 hours away and will be back in october anyways. anything i need to buy i can pick up there..there are walmarts everywhere. so yes i may regret this later when i am nothing but a big ball of frantic but dammit i'm gonna suck summer dry even if it hurts.. hahaha eww

the big question of the day
where did underwear come from? everyone uses it: from canada to china to those that live in the arctic. who made the first pair of underwear and why? and how did the whole world catch on to this new invention? i noticed that underpants in chinese is directly translated to "underpants". so did they get it off another culture, and when they asked what they were, it was just translated. i wonder what the word for underwear is in other languages. hmm.

mint shooters
never underestimate the power of a good friendship. i have realized that yes we all get angry and pissed off at eachother for the stupid qualities we all have that we should change, but in the end they are always there. i'm not saying that it isnt frustrating when people are so goddamn cheap, or when they choose to be a hermit in their home instead of seeing people, or when something is wrong (and you know it for a fact) and they wont say a fucking word (way to help the situation by ignoring it!)...but it's not like that alone will destroy everything. i bear, i ignore.. and you learn to just not care so much about it. but no matter how used to it all i THINK i get, the pangs of resentment and feelings of being taken for granted (or that maybe you just seem to care more than they ever will) always resurface.
it's times like these that you gotta remember that they are worth all $120 or that maybe the laughs and good talks more than make up for all the added stress (from going what the hell?) as you try to understand their reasoning for doing asshole things. you gotta remember there might be actual valid reasons for not going to the beach for someone's birthday for instance. but dammit i just dont understand sometimes. this must be one of those things that you dont know why you do, but do it anyways... like how some battered wives go back to their husbands after one teary, apologetic conversation on the phone, only to get beaten again. that being said, i'm sure im not the most easy person to deal with either.

10...9...8...
i am already starting to feel uneasy. a certain churn of the stomach visits me every once in a while. i've realized how little time i have left and am definitly getting nervous. it feels like the last three weeks are being eaten up so quickly already and they havent even begun. family is coming down, im working like everyday...people are leaving earlier than expected. i hate this. i would rather be in the mess than just waiting for it. im gonna start to freak out.. i can tell. just wait for the explosion.

a box of paper
last night was the first time we all embraced the fact that we were all splitting up. who knew a bunch of magazine ads categorized according to universities would be so much fun. it was definitly one of those times that the truth hits you in the face but at least this time, the usual sting that accompanies it wasnt there. we've begun to accept it and judging by nights like last night you know that obstacles like these arent substantial enough to break us down. it may leave us a bit worse for wear as it has before, but we always find out way home.

everything no matter how ugly can be beautiful. you just have to see it in the right context
two people sitting on the subway. one man one woman. they are overweight...so much so that they sort of spill over onto eachother and out of the two seater they were sharing. Their clothes are glaringly bright, mismatched, and have various stains on them. Their faces are pink and saggy and really not that much to look at. anywhere else..even on their own, they would have attracted stares. but when the old man reached over to hold that fat woman's hand, i felt my heart cringe. they somehow, in a matter of milliseconds turned from kinda grotesque to incredibly cute.

on a street corner. north side of queen between university and yonge. there is a homeless person with about 8 rats on his arm and a little box of change at his feet. yes he is dirty. yes the rats are furry and long-tailed. everyone shudders or takes the extra time to walk in a big circle around the man, or kicks the man's change box accidentally in their attempt to quickly get out of the man's vicinity (and well no one helps him pick the coins up cause...well.. there are RATS there). but you have to think. where did that man get those rats from? even though there are pprobably millions of rats in toronto's streets...this man has been able to not only catch them, but to also train then. you gotta at least give him credit for that. Street bum one minute...tamer of wild animals the next.

you can't lose something you never had
so right now i'm extremely disappointed that moo can't have a hole punched into her nose (care of me). i was actually really looking forward to it, not because i want one or anything... just because i know where she's coming from; what she has had to do; and well if anything it was symbollic in a way, in addition to the fact that it would have looked awesome. talk about a birthday present that lasts forever huh? well i have a back up plan.. its not as good.. but i guess it will have to do.

slightly less than half
I scored a 48% on the "how asian are you?" Quiz! What about you?
oh the things i do at 1 in the morning

You know you have to get out when:
-you find all your stuff off the table you left it on and placed into a cardboard box, which has been left in the corner of the room
-your brother, being too lazy to turn on the other computer, decides to use the one i'm on when i go upstairs to make lunch...oh and he closed all my programs
-you speak more to a person at western university over the phone than members of your own family
-you realize you can live perfectly well on your own cause after two weeks of non-home cooked meals, your mom serves you boiled broccoli and store bought chicken for dinner (gee..i could have done that)
-you get mad just KNOWING there are others in the house
-the only conversation you make with your mother all day is the arguement you had about whether or not kleenex boxes are allowed in the green bin (for the record...if ice cream boxes are in, why the hell not kleenex boxes?)

post its
when did it all change? i dont know. i want to rewind my life and find that precise moment where my entire opinion changed. i want to know what happened to make me feel this way. i thought for a while that maybe other people's opinions clouded my judgement, but i honestly cant say that because at one point i was one of their best supporters...one who was ready to defend. maybe after a while i didnt know what i was defending.. maybe.. i saw things that i didnt before..maybe before i was just used to it...maybe i stopped caring? its a little scary to me. have i forgotten all the goodness that i once saw? perhaps i have changed and just view things differently now. its not that im surprised of the change..because my view of people change all the time.. i just mind THIS change because it really wasnt for the better...in fact its quite different. it's been a while since i have wanted to hit someone in the face... and hurt them. it says something indeed when the mere thought of it all puts you in a foul mood.

nehru
it was strange. i went through her things today simply because i was there and i know this may be morbid and weird of me to say, but it was almost as if she was dead. i havent seen her for the longest time..have barely interacted with her... i once saw her like everyday and now i hear tidbits of her life through other people's mouths...she in a way is gone. just a memory almost. hmm.

purple
a couple of nights ago i learned that you are never too old to yell, slam doors, and bawl while seeking comfort and solitude in your closet. it was like i was a little kid again-hiding there, crying in the dark. it was weird and i felt stupid but i also felt a sense of comfort, like an old security blanket. and even as i sat in there recently the old feeling was still there. It was all very interesting to say the least. i dont think my parents know exactly how screwed up stephen and i really are. i dont even think i fully know, although i am discovering more everyday, and quite frankly i'm scared. it was definitly an eye-opener, especially for my mom, who i am sure knew it all along but needed me saying it to confirm it. to my father however, well he remained unscathed at the fact that his daughter was in tears, not bothered by the fact that what was coming out of my mouth was years of supressed frustrations about the whole situation, unaware of how much we were both really hurt. new rule: when i grow up there will be no fighting in front of the kids...no name calling.. no dragging mistakes made 20 years ago...it's childish; immature. the world needs more best friends who you can count on to cry to and tell you stories to make you forget about everything until your so exhausted, you have to go to bed.

although it all started like a day from hell, with a conflict already brewing at 530 in the morning, this academic orientation day was really what i needed. yes i could have gone without the lectures about meal plans and how much fun i am going to have at western, and yes the afternoon, especially for me was full of waiting around doing nothing.....but in the end it was all worthwhile. strange how a few little things can change the whole day around.
the machine that made western id cards was broken (way to go leo) and no one was supposed to get their id cards til september. but somehow me and this other girl got some inside information on where to acquire them at another building...haha so ang has her card! yay!
i also found an awesome proffesor and can't wait to be in one of his classes. he actually made me excited about western again...excited about learning and school and everything. he helped me with my whole bio dilema and everything else that was on my mind. he even went out of his way to track down the head science councellor to make sure i would be okay. he's one of those people that make you feel good about a decision even though you're ready to wet yourself...someone to be confident for you when you aren't. he honestly MADE me confident...we sat the three of us...me and two university adults and all of a sudden i felt really good about everything...like i belonged and would be okay. she was even ready to write me special permission to get into this class reserved for 2nd yr students, but couldn't find the pad... they gave me their card to call anytime especially after first year to talk about my options and it looked like they REALLY meant it.. and even though i know there are thousands of students and they wont remember me, it was what i needed at the moment. so ang will try and take those second year bio courses.. ahhh..or at least juggle the decision until aug 1 when i can register.

oooh shiny
two days in a row of downtown is a little too much for me. it weird to think that people will be living in it all. steps away from the art exhibition in front of city hall. a few stops from stores supplying anything in the world that you want or need. im tired. but it was great both days.
i got my other ear pierced today. my rook. im even again now. lol. im debating whether i should just tell my mom or let her discover it on her own. im wondering how long it would take her to find out. im trying to figure out if it would be better for her to find out sooner on her own or later. hmm. why do we all get piercings and tattoos and whatnots? sometimes i feel like ive fallen into some sort of trap people have set out for me. there are all these articles, tv shows, people trying to deconstruct teenagers and find out what really goes through their mind-trying to tell parents that perhaps these are rites of passage for our times in a sense, or that we are all looking for some way of rebelling. i just think they look cool.. lol

swinging a bat
i think i may have done something stupid. do i regret it? no. well at least not yet. but why did i do it? i'm not sure to tell you the truth. did it accomplish anything? maybe. maybe i just needed to get it off my chest. maybe its because i would have wanted to know..even if it didn't matter. let's just hope it doesn't ruin everything.
sometimes i think i'm too irrational. i do things spur of the moment...thinking hurriedly about the possible outcomes (yes i still try and think of what may happen, i am ang afterall). i'm begining to think that maybe this is just how i work. this is just how i get things accomplished. it's weird feeling my heart poiunding, my head getting light with all the thoughts rushing through it at once. i dont thinki was ever one to think on my feet too well. i was always too calculating...too reasonable.

trippin around downtown...throw me a crumb, throw me a bone
i stumbled upon an interesting blog today. stumbled as in i was bored and kept on clicking on people's links until i found it and interesting meaning that it was the blog of someone i knew. i knew this blog existed, i had seen it before. but it wasnt until i found it again that i remembered. in many ways he is still the boy i had the huge crush on in elementary school. same sarcastic wit; same not so hidden nerdiness; and through the pictures posted, even the same eyes that had taken my breath away all those years ago. he has a girlfriend now. someone i also know. someone i and all those around me would never have put together. they look so happy. it's nice to know what is going on. to know that his little brother and parents are okay. to know that he still lives in the neighbourhood. i haven't really spoken to him since grade school-the year he found out an awkward little asian girl a year younger than him had a crush on him. i dont count polite conversation made in school or the occasional question here or there. i don't think we ever grew out of that oh my gosh that girl likes me phase. it always stuck.

enfermo y se canso de ello
a week into summer break and its already happening. it feels as though i am already losing touch. i know it is only temporary until this whole rush subsides, but it is an odd feeling having someone who was once there almost everyday in some form suddenly not.
i am getting old. the girl that one could barely keep at home no matter what circumstance is begining to die. i want to just lie around...read...sip lemonade. a total 180 from someone who was willing to get up early and take the bus just so she wouldnt have to be home.
i want to quit. i really do. it sucks when you work with someone who knows you outside of school. that whole guilt thing comes in. damn guilt. honestly, its not the job itself, its the people, the situations. i hate it. two more months ang two more months.

it is weird touching my head. it doesn't feel like it is mine. i went to scratch it and got creeped out by the unfamiliarity.

maybe it's fun in the crazy bin
i'm reading white oleander (finally). this book has been sitting on my bookshelf for months beckoning me. i'm understanding what i'm reading.. and enjoying it, but im kinda lost in between chapters.. like how did i actually get to the point i am now? i understand what is going on.. but how did i get here?... kinda like my own life sometimes really.. hmmm

i know this serves as no real explanation, and if i ever get the guts to tell you in person maybe i will, but until that day (which i have a feeling wont ever happen) this will have to suffice. i'm not sure why i'm doing this because you don't read this and well even if you did quite frankly i dont think you would even know its about you, but it has become something more for me; sort of my own closure and my own little attempt at just not leaving it the way it looks like i am. i do have reasons-even if this blog is my only witness.
i know the change was drastic and sudden, but it is only because i started to realize some things. i began to see that what i thought was significant wasn't...that what i thought meant one thing meant another...that i wasnt the only one...that maybe this is just how you work. i don't compete...i'm not a natural born 'athlete' and quite frankly i have never won in these kind of competitions. i dont want to have to be worried. i am not a jealous person, i couldn't care less sometimes, but i think i was begining to turn into one. i want to let you know that everything that has happened did have something behind it. nothing i did was simply because... i want to think that at least at times it went both ways. but i can't be sure. i value our friendship too much to throw it away because of something i consider right now a un-thoughtout(for lack of a better word.. or for lack of a real word) decision. i want to but i cant. i've been in this position before and i don't like it. i stand here confused, lost, and yes even a little heartbroken. unlike before, this time i'm protecting myself.

of the 36 ways to avoid disater, sometimes running away is best
today i actually got the oppertunity to sit on my fat ass and read. really read. something which i have not been able to do for a while. and even though the book is one that i should have read a couple of years ago when i could relate better, some things in it still resonated and stayed with me.
maybe it was selfish but the night that i found out, all i really wanted to do was yell and scream and flail my arms about. it has been a frustrating ride to say the least with more bumps (mountains really) along the way than anyone can ever realize. maybe it was mostly because i was hurt. yes i had my suspicions but you dont understand how hard i tried to tell myself that it was just me being crazy. to find out that they were true and that i had tried so hard to doubt myself was somethig i needed to come to terms with for sure. i see how you didnt want to tell me, because you knew i would certainly disapprove. but i am still hurt that i didnt know. i'm just glad now that you see why. sometimes we are so blinded by what we want to see and don't realize that the picture is a lot clearer to others not directly involved and see without the emotion. that being said, i should take my own advice.

the fat lady has sung
so its over. the crazy week of grad/prom goodness is actually over no matter how unreal it all seemed. it already seems as though it happened an eternity ago and i worry i am going to forget it all. i wish i was half as excited as some people. i wish i had appreciated it all so much more. however it was awesome nonetheless. i love the oacs and the way we cheer when our slide show comes up...and the way we heckle eachother...and the way we party in a motel and talk to everyone and our graduation tassle fights and throwing roses....lol
i'm also glad that despite the non-togetherness of pre-prom, somehow we still managed a little time together. it wouldn't have been the same without you girls. i'm all warm and fuzzy just thinking about all that has happened. i don't want to lose anyone right now because it seems as though i'm just discovering some. its was great

not to mention any names, but some people are really messed up. i thought i had my own problems up at wasaga, and well was a little confused. but what happened put a lot of things in perspective for me. i dont want to be hurt and maybe this isnt the best way to deal with it because afterall when has running away solved anything, but that is what i'm doing to save myself. she didn't run. she didn't even run when everyone told her to. some boys are assholes.

way in over my head..in more ways than one
so maybe taking on this slideshow wasn't the greatest of ideas. okay actually in my defence, or OUR defence rather, we didnt CHOOSE to take it on.. it kinda got left there in the dirt next to us. we are not the people to be doing this. oh man. lol

prom is coming. the last celebration. i dont feel it. i pictured prom so differently as a child. it was the big american version that we all got brainwashed with from television shows. at least it's shown that i've changed, evolved if you will over the years, and well evolution is always good isn't it? there may not be a poufy dress, tiara, or boyfriend; but i do have a dress that i'm in love with, a hair appointment that involves sparkles (oh how the hairdresser read our minds moo) and one of my funniest and closest boys as a date. (haha if you do read this, that's right you are mine..for now at least lol)
it sucks that i have to work tomrrow. i was looking forward to the last rush right before the emotional rollercoaster that we've all been preparing for. 5 days of craziness.. oh man i can't wait.

the italian job
i bothers me that sometimes people who deserve it don't get treated as they should. i wonder if they even see that they deserve better. i wonder why they haven't given up; even after all the crap, all the assness, all the supernice and then shit. Yes some things may have been said, but it is obvious that through the actions the words were not as solid as first seemed. i worry cause i know with every false, stupid move someone i love is getting hurt no matter what kind of front is being put up.

i know he was ruined and that i gave up on him, but im semi-impressed with the effort he's making even though sometimes i worry. maybe its just seeing other people not doing anything that is making it all look even better, but he actually surprised me. i didnt mean to doubt or hurt him, but i seriously thought that nothing was done, and that he really didnt care. it honestly made me smile when i found out it was practically taken care of, that he was trying, and that he is coming to something no boy should ever want to go to, despite the fact that he was pretty much forced into it.

when i wake up early now, its because i want to do something that early and not because i am forced into getting up that early (well at least not for anything i dont get paid for). its a beautiful feeling. and the plan to make them ours is well underway oh dont you worry moo.

la ista bonita(what does that mean again?)
it's all over with, and i know it hasn't truly sunk in yet. i feel as though i still need to get up and go to school, still need to be wary of unit dates, still need to be on my toes, even if only for a little bit. i actually dont have to do anything school related tomrrow that i dont want to do. it's great.. absolutly great.. but oh man three days of work ahead of me too..
prom and grad are next week. looking at those dates on a calendar made it seem like we had so much time between the end of school and the actual events that marked them. but wow its soo close.. *squeal*

it is 9:17 am. i am determined to study for this final. i even got up and showered and put on my uniform hoping that some of the residual school goodness may rub off and actually give me some drive to do work.. or that somehow my brain has connected this unifrom with work and thus i will do some. i didnt care last night. i really didnt. i have never really not cared about anything as much before. no matter how much you tell yourself to just suck it in one more time and sit there and read and do problems, you just wont. hopefully it wont blow up in my face.. ugh..

seeing the finish line
there is one more to do. i can;t believe it has finally come to this. okay, yes i can believe it, but it is still in a sense surreal. i realized only today after talking to moo how close grad and prom and everything really is... two weeks is nothing. here i am thinking i have all the time in the world to get everything done..to have fun.. but wow summer is going to pass faster than ever this year. i;m working a lot next week.. i have no time for anything. so tomrrow is a day of ang goodness downtown with my discman and a book?
things i need/want:
-prom shoes
-to fix my dress (hopefully after i find prom shoes)
-a big summer bag. one where you can throw almost anything in.. a book, a discman... the kitchen sink...
-a camera
-a tan
-a lost of where everyone has decided to go next year, even if its just stay at home, not go to school and be a squeegee kid.
-to buy the stuff to do my grad presents..which dont look like they are happenning, but i can always try
-to find my ta the perfect gift.

i'm sorry if i haven't been myself. these past few weeks have been a roller coaster of being fine to totally stressed to fine again. the end is near. i see the light at the end of the tunnel.

you know youre lucky when you have places to go when you cant go home..even if its just because i live a little too far. i sometimes wonder if these people's families question if i am in fact homeless. i mean they sometimes see me enough to think that could be a possibility..lol

i think that summer has hit me a little too hard. i still have exams and somehow magically forgot that fact and am heading into summer at full force.

glowing from grandparent goodness
its decided. and i know it. even when my grandma was secretly disappointed by my decision and i had second thoughts, i knew that i was going and didnt let it get to me. but i love her still cause she was nonetheless still proud and only talked about the merits of western verses mcgill (where my engineering cousin went) and u of t after i had left the phone and gone upstairs seemingly out of earshot. i lovehow proud she is of me right now. she's coming to grad. i think it might actually be the first one shes gone to. im not sure whether it is the maturity, the distance or both, but our relationship, although less now than it was beofre isso much greater.

sometimes i need a runner up
i know i shouldnt let it get to me, but ive been really bothered by it, especially as of late. i think it is because i sort of gave up on it all, but then something there gave me a glimmer of hope. i cant deal with this. and maybe its just the end of the year stress adding to this decision, but i think it's all ruined. really do i want to put up with all this? the on, the off, the maybe there really is nothing and im overthinking the whole situation. if i just let it be i know it cant end badly right? so that is how it is.

i'm sorry if youre feeling neglected.. i really dont mean to be...
i feel as though there is just too much to be done, and that i am failing miserably trying to juggle everything; keeping all the balls up. i know i've dropped things, people, whatever.. broken them in fact and probably stepped all over them in an attempt to save the others. i swear i don't mean to be like this. i swear i dont purposefully snub you. my mind has been everywhere these past few weeks and im sorry if you felt like youve suffered at all from it. i'll make it up.. to everyone i promise...

swoon
hahaha tonight was pure laughs, i can't wait for summer to begin. there have been many brief glimpses into what is oh so close but never quite here. its like having a taste of that chocolate cake you just can't have and dammit.. i like it and want some more.. lol
and let's just say an old feeling is coming back, but i refuse to let it get to me again. but it was sure fun laughin about it.

i wonder if they even called. i know they have things to do that are ten times more important and havent even spoken much words perhaps in the last little while, but i still wonder if they remembered at all. if it were me, i would have liked to think that even though we havent been the same over the last while, i still made enough of an impact as a friend to be remembered.

good news
no time or energy for that matter for a read post. must conserve all brain power for math units and whatnot.
-got my dress and it fits. might have to get it hemmed and fixed at the waist but no biggie.. its purdy.
-not as screwed as i thought i was in school, but still gotta work at it. you think i can take 5 tests next week? cause thats what im doing. 3 physics tests in two days sounds really fun doesnt it?
-im not sure whats happening. maybe its the stress, my sinuses, but i get a headache and get dizzy every day almost
-i think im not gonna be able to go to work cause theyre sars psychos and my mom works at st. mikes
-i want to quit because i hate calling 80 patients a day and asking them a fuckin sars questionaire
-i think sometimes it is still too cold for may, but i rather it be cold than hot
-sac craziness is killing me right now
-i need more sleep
-i want it over ..all over

im sorry for being crappy
i made the decision and im really happy about it, but the fact is sometimes the alternative creeps back in my head. i feel like giving in, if only for a little while just to see if i would still have ideas about the first one...so that way i know its just me being a loser and making things more complicated... if i fully accept it, it would answer my question though.

i swear this has happened before
it is interesting being a spectator to something you simply don't understand. There is a 'war', and like all wars it is senseless, and no one quite knows exactly when or how it started. And in confession, following this war has become a recent guilty pleasure of mine, unbeknownst to the two battling sides. Although i am finding entertainment in it, i am not quite sure who is right, but i do know who has more to lose. Yes they may be a pain in the ass at times and perhaps disrespectful, but at the same time, i believe although sometimes deserved, the comments or even entries simply go too far. Yes the internet is a forum for free speech, but it wasn't meant to spread hate either. I think that perhaps it was a lapse in judgement to practice that particular brand of free speech because it stemmed from a place of extreme frustration and does not reflect the person i know. He obviously didn't realize that this whole fiasco could affect him more than anyone else in the end no matter how justified whatever it was may have been. Maybe the people being targeted should try and see why the situation is this way. People always have reasons for lashing out. Although i am not surprised by what has happened, and may have shared the same sentiments at one point or another concerning certain people, i don't think it is necessary to vent in the descriptive and overt manner it has been done. I am not taking sides because i really don't know enough to, but lets just say both sides have been rather immature about this, and it all should have ended long before i got caught up in the drama of it all. Yes there are problems, i have seen some of them, not really concerning this matter develop in front of my eyes in fact.
side note: reading some things have made me wonder if perhaps the same thoughts go through his head as he reads this, or anyone else's for that matter. not that i really care that i'll be branded a silly, immature teenager (cause it's obvious at times i still am), but it would be interesting to know.

she felt she was lost, as she clawed against the walls hoping to find some form of escape. But it was all in vain as the walls were solid and not an opening of any sorts was in sight. She didn't know what else to do. As tears brimmed out of her eyes, she collapsed on the cold, damp floor to wallow in her misfortune. Sometimes it is better to give up for a while.

you gotta have confidence babe
i think i'm in a weird place right now....sort of in a limbo somewhere. it feels like i'm at a crossroads in every aspect of my life, always waiting for a sign of what it to happen, trying to peer down each road to see if there is any indication of what to do. Everything is about as chaotic as my room right not. i am convinced that if i clean it up, not only will i find half the stuff i am missing, but somehow my life will also follow suit and organize itself. it's like i am mentally in a bloody construction site. boards are everywhere, people are shouting out incomprehensible orders, nails ready to plunge into my foot present themselves after every turn.

unaware
i'm not quote sure what i'm feeling right now and the closest thing i can use is antisocial, but that isnt it either. i wanna see people, i wanna do things..i just dont wanna do them with a million people. i think i'm just not into the craziness right now i guess. i feel like i need hugs, comfort, love. i wanna use the word cherish.. hahah i like that word.. it soo described how im feeling right now... i wanna be cherished.
had an awesome time with an old friend yesterday. i miss him, even though during the time he was here, we werent that close. but he was one of those people that i saw myself getting to know better, or even just enough. it's like we've been living in totally different worlds and somehow found eachother once again. i love it when i see that the world isnt so big afterall.
and sometimes i feel like im tip-toeing around people. why make something outta something that really isnt anything at all?

seconds
i often wonder why or even how things worked out the way they did. it looked totally different when i pictured these thigns as i grew up. my only consolation is, is that there are other with me. damn good others.

waiting for a sign
there is something about capturing the moment that facinates me, whether it is in a picture, in a piece of writing, or even if only in my head. like those moments you want to re-live over and over again because you laughed so hard that your stomach hurt or that it was at that instant when you realized that a new bond was established as you and a once not-so-close friend talked. it can also be the day-to-day things that we take for granted. like sitting int he caf with nothing to say or simply taking the bus home and walking the familliar route past the same houses i have seem for the past 12 years. i realize i notice the strangest things sometimes. for instance when watching a soccer game at school, i may not be able to tell you the final score, or who scored them, and sometimes not even the teams playing, but i can give you a full description of the ref's outfit, even including what i thought the words on his shirt were even though his jacket was 3/4 zippedp. funny how some things like seeing a little dog's bum wiggle as it chases after its ovwner or just sitting there under a furball of a blanket with a friend can make my day just that much better, when to other people it is nothing. i'm glad i take joy in all of the little things because i can learn to appreciate everything so much better. people who are bitter and sad all the time; who take things and people for granted; who don't see past themselves; who..ugh i dont even know anymore but you know... are really starting to get to me, and quite frankly i am glad i am not them. yes i may have my moody, bitter, bitchy days, but hey they go as quickly as they come. i dont believe that moping or anything of the sorts helps with anything. it drives people away. and its not like i havent said this before, but i think you're going to lose me.
and i know now may not be the best time to just run away but that's really what i feel like doing. it's been imprinted in me to do that..and i have. i may have run away from a lot of good things without me even knowing it. and yes, i am trying to change that cause i dont expect anyone to chase after me and i know that i can't run away from everything cause it simply doesnt solve anything, but i;ve tried to stay and staying just hurts.

on another subject:
i love people like mike myers who even though they are big-shot superstars, still go on television shows with maple leafs-emblemed Roots wear and stick up for their city. people like that who dont get so big-headed that they forget about their beginings, the little people, their roots, for lack of a better word. he's still our little canadian.. scarborough boy. forget shane west and brad pitt, he's my new crush. *swoon!*

the space between
how is it that suddenly things have gotten so hard? they were so good a while back. i'm not even sure what has happened, what has changed, what i have done wrong. all i know is that things were great.. and then something happened along the way. it's like i hit a deer and didnt even know it. and worst of all its not even just one thing anymore its a lot of things. at least if it were one, it would be managable. but right now things seem to be falling apart...not totally but falling apart nonetheless. i have always needed that little bubble around me. i needed to feel secure and well, overall ok. i've lost that sense of 'ok' with people...with things and i dont know how to get it back anymore. it seems like everything i do makes things a little more worse. i want to just find my corner, and not deal with it all, hoping that by the time i am done, everything would have just magically fixed itself. it's true, im bad at picking up the pieces.. i'm bad at dealing with things like this. i wish i were better and i guess im learning but its damn frustrating.

the button with the moon on it puts the computer to sleep
i dont think i remember ever feeling this way, and even if i have, it has been too long for me to remember. i'm not sure even now if i'm scared, awed, creeped out, or even if i regret or liked that it happened. it's like i didn't know how to handle myself in that sort of a situation and i don't like it when that happens. i'm still trying to wrap my head around it. i'm not sure exactly what went on, what it was all supposed to mean, what i'm going to do about it. and really it's no big deal, but i still have to be faced with it every week.

is it weird that i'm really creeped out by super religious people? okay maybe not religious people so much, but rather people who try to recruit me into their cult, posing it as a religion. lol i had to bite my tongue cause what i really wanted to do was scream "CULT CULT CULT!" but i couldn't. please don't invite me to your 'church' even if you sincerely want me to see your band play. please dont try and get me to like church and debate the bible when i have clearly stated that i dont go, although i do believe in God. i argued and bitched for the sake of arguing and not because i really cared. so what if you think that other people misinterpret the bible, there are a million other people that think the same about you. the more you say that you want me to come and experience it all, the more i want to run and hide and report you to the police. yes i do realize there will be many a jehovah's witness and other whatevers.. but this one was different cause it wasn't just a stranger knocking at my door..

mychorrize?
this was in one of those email surveys. it wont make sense to you cause you dont know who wrote it, but i died laughing.
"Question: What's under your bed?" "Answer: my sister....we have bunks ok"

my eyes are itchy and sore. i just finished spending an hour and a half doing 120 multiple choice questions to help me prepare for this exam. theres still another hour and a half of essays, which i am saving for tomrrow. im good at multiple choice. or at least these practice exams are making me think i am good at them. for all i know they are giving me a false sense of hope because i'm thinking this way i don't have to worry too much about scoring well on the essays. maybe this is bad? i dont know..

i spent too many an hour on the phone. this is why courses and art projects and studying do not get done. i felt like i was in grade 9 or ten again, where i would just sit and talk for hours. it's hard to have those one-on-one conversations anymore cause it seems like there is so little time just spent with one.

i had the urge to go rollerblading. i dont know of many girls with rollerblades, and the one who do were either suposed to be working today or are busy at some fancy schmancy softball tournament. anyone a size 9 men's shoe? i got rollerblades you can borrow.... kidnap me PLEASE

i went crazy on the whipped cream
i know im supposed to be studying, and that's exactly what i will do... soon.
i want to go out and play..rollerblade maybe? its something i havent dont in years. so maybe i'll do lots and lots of work and then reward myself by kidnapping someone and going rollerblading? lol a little physical activity never hurt anyone right? hahah oh the extremes i go to in order to rationalize things in my head.
the night that was supposed to have consisted of me staying at home being tired and home-y was totally thrown out the window...but im not complaining. it's like i totally saw a whole other side of people.... sorta like i was let into the club and saw everything from an insider's point of view.. its true, why did we only find these people now? has so much changed from even a few months ago? i love it.

today i found someone with the same birthday as me. well except 3 years older.

a little bit of sunshine
i think i have started my weekend early. i really didn't feel like doing work. my day had started out with so much potential and the promise of getting work done. however because of a stupid seminar being moved not once, but TWICE, i ended up doing nothing. it just seemed like too nice of a day and well i grew restless, and finding out that this test was easy didnt help..lol so off to kidnap jeaneete and chua, which may not have been the best plan for any of us, cause we did end up staying out all night. but you know what? i kinda needed it..just cause i knew i was gonna have to hibernate this weekend so i can cram for this exam... sigh.
sunny day, cool breeze, great friends, fun conversations, interesting adventures, what more could a girl ask for?

this pipe is connected to the other pipe?
why does the mere mention of the word 'university' among adults, bring up endless speeches about how university is not just a big party and that there is real work involved? it's just a flow of lectures directed at me and the fact that they obviously dont think im responsible enough or mature enough to deal with all of it. gee university is hard and actually entails doing work? wow why didnt anyone tell me that before? i mean yes i'm going to go out, yes there will be some partying but you should be happy that at least im willing to admit it and isn't that half the experience anyways? it;s not like im not ready for the hard work, its not like im not ready for the active social life that comes with everything. its not that im not totally aware of this all. its obvious that even though ive been out every day this year and even though they worry so much, im still fine. if i haven't proven myself this year i dont know what i can possibly do because sometimes i swear it feels like im raising myself here.... there have been no congratulations, no acknowledgement whatsoever of any of my work. what about that frickin fact that i want to and can go to university? you would think people would be proud. and its not that i necessarily need all that, but when you just criticize ALL the time.....it's like to them, it would make it better if i didnt go at all because that way im avoiding all of the dangers and the failures they seem to see in store for me. i'm wondering if i just decide to become a plumber if it would shut them up or not. and you know im stubborn enough to do it too.

i'm not quite sure what i did
my skin is sensitive. more sensitive than i've ever realized. but the hairs are tough. more tough than i ever realized. and after a good hour of waxing my arms, there are red dots. everywhere. and even though im not exactly sure what the red dots are (burst capillaries or something?) i'm not really surprised theyre there. i shave i get razor burn, after i scratch myself there are lines from where my fingers made contact, i wax my arms, my skin gets mad. however on the other hand, my hair grows incredibly fast. it is relentless and grows in the next day even when i dont want it to, it's hard to pull out and is determined to stay. damn these two extremes for coexisting on the same limb..lol
funny but its kinda reminds me of myself in a few ways...

judging the fall
it's beautiful outside and i dont get to enjoy it. i went out to get an iced cap..just because i needed to see the outside of my house. i love drive thrus-it doesn't matter that im in a grey house shirt and pink pj pants with hearts on them with a cord jacket thrown over the whole mess. only one person sees you and thinks that you are gross or weird or ugly or all of the above. actually the big plan was to get the iced cap and free muffin and end up in a park or something..somewhere. however out of laziness, the plan was scrapped because i was simply not int he mood to change and look presentable and not scare the children who would be playing in the park and have them point at me and then run to their mothers in fear... or have joan and melissa rivers pop out from a bush and declare me the ugliest person on earth.. oh the things that go through my head...lol i should be downtown checking out the u of t campus instead of here trying to fit a whole year's worth of bio into my head. hmm maybe next week.. but then again maybe not. its only going to get worse from here.

hmph
i think im starting to get fed up of trying. it just stresses me out and leaves me more exasperated after when nothing comes out of it no matter what i do. its highly over-rated

waiting for the other shoe
so because i left all my books in the car, which is now downtown, i decided to give myself a little break today, whether its well deserved or not. i went through my residence books again, although i only have ones from western and mcgill that im really looking at, where the u of t one is, im not sure. honestly western is really doing great things for me right now. mcgill is really expensive for what you get especially considering that the second cheapest room at mcgill with meal plan for 5 days is still more than gettting a suite style at western with a meal plan. and despite the huge student population taking the jobs that are available in the smaller city i can probably get one ten times more easily at western than i can at mcgill. cause you know that once a person who can speak french comes, my job is gone. and it will take a couple years for me to know enough to put a sentence together that the frenchies wont laugh at. i really need to see the campus i guess. that and the fact that i'm still so in love with mcgill and montreal.. and dammit, i was frickin glowing (really glowing, it was weird but people could actually see it, even when i didnt realize it yet) after that montreal trip cause i felt so much that mcgill was where i was going to go. but the atmosphere im getting from western (again, this is all in my head because i havent actually seen the place) is more of like the university atmosphere i want, that i;ve pictured as an ideal...but then again those things change.. my prom dress fiasco is a perfect example. oh man.. im not good at decisions.

a view from over there
you would think that after all these years i would understand some things better.. but really i think i just got more confused. when are things really reality and when is a situation just in your head? i get really paranoid sometimes, especially when things are really important to me. i've discovered that it is a very fine line between how a situation or an event actually presents itself and what it manifests into in my head. and really this line is broken and jagged and cracked and lets everything wander from one side to the other. everyone sees the same thing in a different light. i wonder sometimes if things are really this way... case in my head things are bad sometimes, but people may think that i am over-analyzing. sometimes i think theyre right, but at the same time, i'm the one in the situation, im the one whos seeing everything, im the one whos involved. they dont know everythign that has gone on. they have no idea sometimes. they havent been through the ups and then realized that now we've hit a sudden down. and i think that maybe i jinxed it again, like i do with all of them. im starting to believe that something is seriously wrong or that maybe i should just learn to not get any expectations at all.. we'll see i guess im still fine tuning it all..

sometimes i feel so.. inadequate, undeserving really...
i was watching the view and hearing some of these people's stories really makes you think. i'm freaking out cause i gottachose which university i wanna go to and how to pay for it, when people my age are working two jobs and still getting good grades at school, all the while dealing with a disabled father and a mother with cancer. imagine being the sole income earner at the age of 18 to support a family. it makes me wonder, wow what have i ever done that could at all compare? it's strange hearing someone say that graduation and prom are trivial and EXTRAVAGANT things cause even though they are, they have become in some way a rite in our society. something that sorta just comes with the actual completion of school. perhaps at this age having too much life experience can be a bad thing too. because then there's just TOO much shit to deal with that even the things that youre supposed to enjoy..well you just cant. the perspective of things are totally changed.

who'd thunk it?
i now declare myself a homework fiend. hahaha i know it's not something that normal people get addicted to, but i dont know lately, through some act of god or something, i have actually wanted to homework. and really its good that i do cause i have LOTS of it. i'm on some sort of homework wave and i'm just gonna let the momentum of it all carry me throuugh. so there will be no failing this year for ang or cramming everything in until im ready to burst at the seams and cry..okay maybe a little cause i'm already pretty screwed. but whatever... summer is here. i can smell it.

the difference one phone call can make
i'm glowing..absolutly glowing from the phone conversation. and also WAY more confused about everything!! i have decided that andrea is the most awesome person in the entire earth cause she was willing to call and she spent an entire hour almost just answering my questions and putting my stupid fears to rest. she's still the same. so grown up and womanly (lol) but still the same crazy andrea that i remember stumbling into the room with textbooks in hand and a great big smile across her face. so western is officially back in the running thanks to her. i love the community atmosphere. i love that she says shes loving her program (cause its what im getting into) i love that she gave me tips on how to survive there and not get screwed. i feel like i'm already there in a way. i was joking before but i think the rory gilmour lists are gonna hafta come out now.

how can anyone not like the smell of bounce?
its beautiful outside. i miss the sun and even though it hasn't been warm warm yet, i dont mind. just waking up to any form of sunshine instead of blue/grey light is good.
even though i'm glad i went, yesterday night was in a way surreal. i would be having fun and then suddenly realize that wow this is actually happening. i honestly half expected me and jeanette to arrive there and have someone tell us that the whole event had been cancelled. funny what some people do on a saturday night. it makes you wonder... cause you know those people that you see on tv who do something stupid with their friends while having it filmed? i am technically one of those spectators now.. lol and i'm pretty sure thats not something to be proud of.

grilled cheese with bacon please
so its weird but i actually want to do homework. i just have this urge to. so maybe tomorrow i'll get up late, skip the yoga and maybe do a tape instead and do some homework. funny. i think my mind is trying to tell me something here.
so why is it that even though i'm exhausted and full and ready to roll over and die and sleep, do still wanna talk and be girly and have the night not end so BADLY? lol haha no matter what i know we'll be fine cause no matter how much we do or do not see eachother, its all the same. and thats damn reassuring.

is it a bird? is it a plane?
i know i JUST got it, but i already have the courses i have to take next year highlighted. THAT'S how i know im uber excited.

ever have one of those moments when you feel grown up? one of those instances that you realize that maybe you arent a three year old; screaming and shouting with knots in your shoelaces and peanut butter and jelly sandwich crumbs on your face. it was just today...maybe cause this morning i ACTED like a three year old and so in comparison, there was a big difference.. i dunno..

uday's love shack
you know how the world gets scarier as you get older and you learn about all the dangers? do you think we ever stop getting more and more scared or does it continuously add up? there just seems to be a lot more to be scared of these days. people don't fly. people don't walk around late at night. people don't leave their doors unlocked. people don't breathe anymore.

my fingers are frozen
so despite the long as emails to and from churchie.. i am still lost. less confused and frantic but still lost. i finished my english today. everything is good. just the self evaluation and a outline for my isp, both which dont have to be done on computer while in this cold damp basement. i could send it out today if i really wnated to. i still have 40 minutes. but i think i mightjust do it afterschool tomorrow. afterall i am in my strawberry pants and glasses and probably smell like basement. i had the weirdest dream last night involving lots of people from school and work. it was weird cause it wasnt weird at all...things that happened in it and places i went seemed soo familiar. i am still convinced that i know of these places and have been there because the way i navigated the store or found something, its like i just knew. some things also made me giggle and blush... weird how dreams can feel so damn real
steph signed onto msn.. i got excited.. she never responded.

finding pi
so i think i surprised my mother...ACTUALLY surprised her. i came home from jeanette's at like 11:15 and came home to a dark house. the only light was streaming from my mom's room and in a very weird, but adult moment i walked in and just sat. It had been a long time since i last did this, which once used to be a common thing. My mom is a lot more like me than i thought, or rather i'm a lot more like her than i thought, even down to the way she mocked me and the way my pants are too low, or my neckline too plunging, and my boobs too well up there. i laughed that she did it, i laughed cause its so something i would do. we actually talked, we talked about next year and i got excited as i told her my plans. We got serious when we discuessed how it was going to get paid for. we set out our own plans like what im getting into, the fact that im going for my masters, me still working throughout university....her working at least another 4 years before she retires. her saying how stephen wont cost as much cause we see him going to college...when we predict the car finally giving out on us. It funny discussing how i see myself in montreal or in western or even in toronto living on my own or in res and my whole plan to work at shoppers so i get toiletries and what not at cost. i told her i couldnt wait until my room is just a stack of boxes and half-barren tabletops and an empty closet. She said that she couldnt wait until my room was made into her new storage area. She also told me that she was glad that i had everything planned out. that she didnt have to worry about me. and really in truth i dont. i say one thing, but in my mind a million other possibilities are running rampant, but for now i like her seeing the responsible me.

it may only be a trickle
western is slowly lulling me into their trap with their glossy brochures and promises of money. i need to see the campus. i also need to get other acceptances and other pretty, new smelling what not so that the vacuum i'm presently experiencing doesnt take further hold. i need to know what the hell i want to do with myself next year. i picture myself everywhere.
i feel like i am melting sometimes, but not in the good way.. more like the way that guy in the x men movie melted and freaked halle barry out..

it was sunny today!
i havent lost him afterall. despite being insecure, despite not being around eachother for a while, despite not talking, despite all of our little fights..despute the fact that we sometimes make eachother mad by just being in the same room... we're okay.. i still have my friend. yes i was dead tired today but it was well worth it.
soo i have just realized how much work i still have to do and how i really dont want to do it.. i'm gonna start staying off msn and icq, both which i have deemed the products of satan. lol its back to 6-9 homework nights.. ugh...

and if i dont make it, know that i've loved you all along
it's three am and i am surprisingly wide awake. i just got home and well maybe its the late night pizza, but i can't sleep.
so i went to the get-together afterall, despite having a bit of anxiety over it. it was sad how i really wanted to impress them in this messed up 'i'm gonna make them miss me and make them regret for not staying in closer touch with me' way and was trying to pretty myself up.. but then went fuck it and went in a t shirt and cords. to be honest it wasn't bad. sure i no longer knew of half the people they were talking about and sure i didn't feel comfortable around everyone.. but the people that i did click with... wow it made me feel so much better about things... it was like i didnt lose them afterall, they were just misplaced for a while. and even though i wouldnt go to another one soon necessarily, im still glad i went.
it was weird seeing them together... i suddenly didn't know how to act. i felt stupid for even feeling it cause that chapter was supposed to be over with. it was one of those situations which is amplified and made ten million times worse in your head.. man im such a girl.. and a gross one too.

so vanessa and lis have fun comments with animated happy faces.. im sooo CHANGING mine!!!

i've come to the conclusion that im not coming to school next week..lol
my ride is gone m y best friend is gone.. the two people i talk to on a regular basis in ta are gone.. ugh
and well i want to KILL mark! lol

now that i think back
i know it meant nothing but at the time the simple 'yes' was needed and very much appreciated. if it had been a no or a silent pause i dont kno what i would have done. all of my friends know i can get really insecure about things really fast and well the other night on the computer, i hit another one of those moments. it made me uneasy knowing that things were changing this fast...knowing that soon my world.. my 'family' as i know it was going to be ripped away person by person. i know this because i can see it happening already. and yes the core few will remain and others will be introduced..but really no one can ever be replaced. imagine us ten years down the road and bumping into one another again...will things pick up from where they left off? or will there merely be an awkward pause as we continue along our way? and even though i will never manage to say this in person, and i'm pretty sure the friend responsible has no clue of what they did that night, i want to say thank you. we take for granted how much our words can affect people and how at the right moment, in the right context, it can save someone.

you know the world is good when just one smile brightens up your whole day.

i need to change identities
so apparently i'm andrew. i dunno its not that i mind that i may not get voted in because of it, because all along ive left it to a whatever happens happens cause i really dont know if i can do it... but i've always had problems with my name and this does not help. I've never liked it cause it was never different enough for me... not only the first, but the last also.. you know how many people have my last name? we must have been a pretty big village all those centuries ago. i still get called wong.

jeanette unknowingly stole all my words and thoughts.. go read her blog entries for the past two days.. cause that's what i'm thinking exactly.. ah summer... teehee

disturbing the peace
so i think i am disappointed. and i use the word think cause i really don't know exactly what i feel but right now disappointed is the closest thing i can think of. I don't expect much, not much at all because i too at times feel as though i am lacking in this department as well.... but lately, with some people, i've been disappointed with how we intereact.. how they respond to something i say... how they treat or respond to me. It's kinda like i feel i've been constantly let down by some people, and really it's not the big things either. It's little things like not being excited when you should be or not listening when i clearly am giving out a cry for help or even saying goodnight in the wrong way. and yes, i do know how crazy and insecure i sound right now, but i'm feeling it with some people and quite frnakly i dont know whether to try harder or to start giving up.
i reek of calgon body mist. after coming home from softball and driving my mom to the subway station, i went straight to pilates and didnt have enough time to shower as i had planned. so what could i do? i misted..lol i mean wow i've never been so sporty/active in my life. i'm gonna be feeling it tomorrow alright.
and dammit the voicemail icon wont go away on my phone... I DONT HAVE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES

a sigh of relief...for now
oh man oh man oh man... that's what i've been saying to myself over and over again. i can't believe im in. they want me! and although it did not come in a pretty official envelope filled with glossy brochures, the one line on the computer screen that read, "admitted-pending final results" and the link to accept or decline the offer... that's all i needed... well for now anyways. so my future in montreal is all the more realistic now.. also got into western. but sadly, its almost an afterthought now.. i think i need to actually go SEE the campus and stuff..cause i bet thats why im not all that excited about it.. but i hear great things..lol
it's such an immense relief.. and i know that no one else got their early accepteances from university and technically i should not have been worried but i was, even if everyone thinks i'm strange for being so. and although i know i shouldnt be getting myself down over stupid things, the way a person reacts to things really affect me, more than they should. i mean she wonders why i dont tell her things sometimes... maybe its just cause i dont want her bringing all my dreams down with her one cynical comment.

shopping
ever see a total stranger on the street and just suddenly become intrigued by them? like you suddenly want to know everything about their life and what makes them tick and what their house and family and heck, even their closet looks like? i find these people often, what that means baout my sad little life i dont know. i stumbled upon another one yesterday. there was nothing different really about her. i'm not even sure why i was drawn to her.. was it the way she held her head? the way she was casually browsing through the aisle of the store with a basket half full of items? She looked self-sufficient.. like the kind of woman who would be the mother of a very young child, with golden locks of hair just like hers, except of course the child's would be in curls in stead of tied up in a tousled ponytail.. the kind of person who dines out every friday and sips wine while relaxing and read books and ran every morning with her dog... and then it occured to me, while secretly trying to see what things where in her basket that she was probably not any of these things. for all i know she could have gone home to her abusive boyfriend, her 5 screaming children all under the age of 6 with gum in their hair and a blow torch in their left hands.... and her home littered with unwashed dishes and left over pizza boxes.. and yelled over all the noise, "bubba, mama got you some of your de-worming medication"
i wonder how many people i see wrong.

im calling.. where are you?
sometimes i need to step back for a while to see how things have changed. You never notice it while it happening, but things are constantly changing. I've never been a person to fear change.. i actually like it sometimes.. its only when the change comes and slaps you in the face, and leaves its red handprint on your cheek that i get uncomfortable with it. I feel as though i'm just waiting for the hot-stinging feeling to spread across my face again. I haven't been hit for a while. I'm not sure when its coming, but i can feel it.

so telus calls today and tells me that theyve done an audit on my account and found out ive been getting call display for free for a long long time now even though i havent been paying for it.. dammit..

yesterday was great girly fun. teehee i love you guys

today the weirdest thing happened... but it made me smile.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF AND STEPH! (well belated now)

reupholstered
okay so its probably stupid and petty for me to be mad at something as small, and well for lack of a better word, stupid as this. But i mean i just can't help it. No one can say things haven't changed cause we both know they have.. one just gets mad when the other one says it that's all or takes it the wrong way. And i didnt expect things to stay the same cause i know a million things have happened to change the situation but man i don't think i;ve ever felt like this.. and its weird cause even a week ago i would have brushed it off and just have been happy. but i'm starting to realize that maybe we all excuse it too easily. maybe something is there that clouds our own perspective of things... cause if it had been someone else.. well things would have been different.

i got a compliment today... and it surprised me just because of who it came from. Someone that i soo wouldnt have thought would have noticed those things or really even care at all. It was nice. especially since its been a while since i've received words like that..and im pretty sure they were sincere. It made me blush. I could feel my cheeks go hot. It was all flushed cheeked happiness for a while. I think i would like to feel that more often.

luckily no casualties
SO IT'S MINE! More than i wanted to ideally pay for it. but as it turns out with my original bid, she would have pulled it out of aution anywasy cause she really wanted to make most of her money back. I almost can't believe it. it's like when i got my tattoo and it didnt sink in that it was really there and sometimes i would remeber and just want to squeal with excitement.. well actually sometimes i still forget its there. But i still got an awesome deal especially considering that time, effort, and gas i saved, and the possible risk of not getting across the border or finding it at all once down there. thank you lukie for being there to feed the obsession and for simply witnessing the panic attack when i realized i wasnt the only bidder and rationalizing every little thing with me.

waiting for the explosion
so here i am... with my face plastered to the computer screen.. refreshing the ebay webpage periodically to learn of my dress's fate. yes MY dress's fate.. i have already declared it mine. It is so close and fuck to have it ripped out of my hands this far into things would just be cruel. so here i am.. and here you will find me: sitting and waiting for the next 40 minutes as i mentally try to send secret voodoo messages to the other bidders to simutaneously have heart attacks. And its strange cause even though im ready to keel over from the anxiety.. its also kinda exhilarating (sp?) .. like i LIKE the stress of it all.

dancing, tripping, falling
sometimes i get weird vibes from people...like im not quite sure where i stand with them. they'll say one thing and it makes me think everything is okay.. then theyll say or do another, and everything is up in the air again. i know im probably just reading too much into these things.. but a part of me insists that im not.. that maybe i should be paying more attention.. maybe there is something there that i simply choose not to see. i dont like things in limbo.. i get frustrated and dont wanna deal with it all after a while.. cause i mean i think things should progress, even if very slowly. stagnant things are no fun.. i like the word stagnant..whoever came up with the word stagnant knew what they were talking about.
so i found the dress.. its on ebay... still wondering if i should make a bid... no one has so far. and well they are willing to ship it here, on my money of course. but i havent even really seen the dress or felt the dress... wow what a risk.. but the fact that its the only dress on ebay thats from this year's line and its the dress i fell in love with and its in my size and its new with the tags still on and a pretty good price to boot can't mean nothing right? how i ended up on the ebay site i dont know.. but im taking it as a sign.. its God practically handing me the dress right? RIGHT?!?!

so what if i have a whole NEW plan?
after a marathon 3-hour conversation with my 90% partner in crime, i feel so much better about everything. I think the trick to me is just letting it out to someone who i know will understand what the hell is going through my head...and really sometimes my friends know me so well its scary and well embarassing too.. lol Some things just need to be said.. and sometimes i just need help rationalizing things in my head. It turned a lot of the "what the hell"s to "ohh that makes sense".
On another note.. i was semi-bumming about not hearing from any universities, with my only consolation being that other people who applied didnt hear from them either. but today i got an email saying that if i was over 85% i was gonna be getting an early acceptance.. so im just waiting now.. i dont even think i wanna go there.. but its true.. its the whole "no on wants me" thing that was worrying me. Weird how something such as early acceptances can put so much stress on a person, especially when we all fully know that 1) university isnt the same as college and most universities havent sent anythign out yet; 2) this is a weird year, with universities saying that they probably wont send out as many early acceptances as they normally do; and 3) they're EARLY acceptances.. the bulk of the acceptances come in may.
all this from a person who's had ample time to think of reasons why no one wants her...lol

shake it up and throw it
funny how a great big slap in a the face is needed to realize certain things sometimes. he thought i was trying to hurt him but really what he said in response stung a lot worse. i think it says a lot about how a person sees you by how they interpret your written word. and i'm not sure exactly how what he said made me feel the way i did, but it did and i dont think i will ever fully understand why. but i'm begining to think that the fact that he chose to take it in that light... well it says a lot.. and well i think i finally realized how much things have changed and how much i really dont know how to deal with it anymore..but the problem is, is that i'm not even sure how it got to this.
i think this is a clear indication that ang's good mood streak is officially over.

and there was a little girl running through a field of sunflowers who stopped, looked around, and realized she was lost

i feel queezy just thinking about it
an idea got put into my head today (yes PUT cause i didnt really think about it until someone forced me to) and well even though i was totally against it, the idea started to fester in my mind..it grew until i couldnt just ignore it. it grew until i started believeing it could actually happen. i thought maybe i wont cry.. maybe i wont get scared and run away..maybe i wont freeze up and choke on my own words and have a million people laugh at me.. maybe i want to do it?