im calling.. where are you?
sometimes i need to step back for a while to see how things have changed. You never notice it while it happening, but things are constantly changing. I've never been a person to fear change.. i actually like it sometimes.. its only when the change comes and slaps you in the face, and leaves its red handprint on your cheek that i get uncomfortable with it. I feel as though i'm just waiting for the hot-stinging feeling to spread across my face again. I haven't been hit for a while. I'm not sure when its coming, but i can feel it.

so telus calls today and tells me that theyve done an audit on my account and found out ive been getting call display for free for a long long time now even though i havent been paying for it.. dammit..

yesterday was great girly fun. teehee i love you guys

today the weirdest thing happened... but it made me smile.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF AND STEPH! (well belated now)

reupholstered
okay so its probably stupid and petty for me to be mad at something as small, and well for lack of a better word, stupid as this. But i mean i just can't help it. No one can say things haven't changed cause we both know they have.. one just gets mad when the other one says it that's all or takes it the wrong way. And i didnt expect things to stay the same cause i know a million things have happened to change the situation but man i don't think i;ve ever felt like this.. and its weird cause even a week ago i would have brushed it off and just have been happy. but i'm starting to realize that maybe we all excuse it too easily. maybe something is there that clouds our own perspective of things... cause if it had been someone else.. well things would have been different.

i got a compliment today... and it surprised me just because of who it came from. Someone that i soo wouldnt have thought would have noticed those things or really even care at all. It was nice. especially since its been a while since i've received words like that..and im pretty sure they were sincere. It made me blush. I could feel my cheeks go hot. It was all flushed cheeked happiness for a while. I think i would like to feel that more often.

luckily no casualties
SO IT'S MINE! More than i wanted to ideally pay for it. but as it turns out with my original bid, she would have pulled it out of aution anywasy cause she really wanted to make most of her money back. I almost can't believe it. it's like when i got my tattoo and it didnt sink in that it was really there and sometimes i would remeber and just want to squeal with excitement.. well actually sometimes i still forget its there. But i still got an awesome deal especially considering that time, effort, and gas i saved, and the possible risk of not getting across the border or finding it at all once down there. thank you lukie for being there to feed the obsession and for simply witnessing the panic attack when i realized i wasnt the only bidder and rationalizing every little thing with me.

waiting for the explosion
so here i am... with my face plastered to the computer screen.. refreshing the ebay webpage periodically to learn of my dress's fate. yes MY dress's fate.. i have already declared it mine. It is so close and fuck to have it ripped out of my hands this far into things would just be cruel. so here i am.. and here you will find me: sitting and waiting for the next 40 minutes as i mentally try to send secret voodoo messages to the other bidders to simutaneously have heart attacks. And its strange cause even though im ready to keel over from the anxiety.. its also kinda exhilarating (sp?) .. like i LIKE the stress of it all.

dancing, tripping, falling
sometimes i get weird vibes from people...like im not quite sure where i stand with them. they'll say one thing and it makes me think everything is okay.. then theyll say or do another, and everything is up in the air again. i know im probably just reading too much into these things.. but a part of me insists that im not.. that maybe i should be paying more attention.. maybe there is something there that i simply choose not to see. i dont like things in limbo.. i get frustrated and dont wanna deal with it all after a while.. cause i mean i think things should progress, even if very slowly. stagnant things are no fun.. i like the word stagnant..whoever came up with the word stagnant knew what they were talking about.
so i found the dress.. its on ebay... still wondering if i should make a bid... no one has so far. and well they are willing to ship it here, on my money of course. but i havent even really seen the dress or felt the dress... wow what a risk.. but the fact that its the only dress on ebay thats from this year's line and its the dress i fell in love with and its in my size and its new with the tags still on and a pretty good price to boot can't mean nothing right? how i ended up on the ebay site i dont know.. but im taking it as a sign.. its God practically handing me the dress right? RIGHT?!?!

so what if i have a whole NEW plan?
after a marathon 3-hour conversation with my 90% partner in crime, i feel so much better about everything. I think the trick to me is just letting it out to someone who i know will understand what the hell is going through my head...and really sometimes my friends know me so well its scary and well embarassing too.. lol Some things just need to be said.. and sometimes i just need help rationalizing things in my head. It turned a lot of the "what the hell"s to "ohh that makes sense".
On another note.. i was semi-bumming about not hearing from any universities, with my only consolation being that other people who applied didnt hear from them either. but today i got an email saying that if i was over 85% i was gonna be getting an early acceptance.. so im just waiting now.. i dont even think i wanna go there.. but its true.. its the whole "no on wants me" thing that was worrying me. Weird how something such as early acceptances can put so much stress on a person, especially when we all fully know that 1) university isnt the same as college and most universities havent sent anythign out yet; 2) this is a weird year, with universities saying that they probably wont send out as many early acceptances as they normally do; and 3) they're EARLY acceptances.. the bulk of the acceptances come in may.
all this from a person who's had ample time to think of reasons why no one wants her...lol

shake it up and throw it
funny how a great big slap in a the face is needed to realize certain things sometimes. he thought i was trying to hurt him but really what he said in response stung a lot worse. i think it says a lot about how a person sees you by how they interpret your written word. and i'm not sure exactly how what he said made me feel the way i did, but it did and i dont think i will ever fully understand why. but i'm begining to think that the fact that he chose to take it in that light... well it says a lot.. and well i think i finally realized how much things have changed and how much i really dont know how to deal with it anymore..but the problem is, is that i'm not even sure how it got to this.
i think this is a clear indication that ang's good mood streak is officially over.

and there was a little girl running through a field of sunflowers who stopped, looked around, and realized she was lost

i feel queezy just thinking about it
an idea got put into my head today (yes PUT cause i didnt really think about it until someone forced me to) and well even though i was totally against it, the idea started to fester in my mind..it grew until i couldnt just ignore it. it grew until i started believeing it could actually happen. i thought maybe i wont cry.. maybe i wont get scared and run away..maybe i wont freeze up and choke on my own words and have a million people laugh at me.. maybe i want to do it?

slap me with a happy stick
Sometimes i just can't help but smile to myself... i've had this smirk on my face for a while now actually. i dont know what it is exactly but it just wont go away...not that i really want it to. for once im feeling really good.. and no matter what stresses school or work brings, i'm still secretly smirking.. smiling.. teehee..
on another note.. i will never understand some people, or rather, i will never understand why people do certain things.. .. how they can just be used in a sense.. ugh.. please dont ever let me get this stupid.. and please just see it too

sometimes one conversation can make all the difference.

your socks are smiling... creepy
you know my mom is right. i get distracted too easily. like last weekend, when i really REALLY needed to do homework but instead slept the weekend away and still managed to go to school more tired than ever. But i know i can handle it.. that i can get it done.. and thats the important thing right? that despite having fun and stressing over it afterwards, it still works out well. im just worried that one day it wont anymore..
there's some people i haven't seen for a while. i miss them in a way. its not the same when you don't see eachother outside of school.. away from the stress and work. i wonder what they're doing without me. i wonder if they even notice i'm not there...i wonder that a lot actually. i really shouldn't but i do. I sound whiny when i talk about it. People shouldn't worry whether or not others know they exist.. they dont care.. they give their finger to the world and say screw you and go on with their lives... but i havent reached that level of maturity yet..and i dont think i ever will..so right now im just gonna deal with my insercurities thank you very much.

"Strength, courage, and wisdom" ("and it's been inside of me all along")
you gotta love a chick who can make you feel good and sing to boot.. lol. im on a female singer kick right now.. i think it started when i heard that sarah harmer song from a while back that i used to sing in TA that would drive Patrick crazy for some reason. India Arie makes me want to rip off my bra, flash my unshaven legs, and yell "I am woman!" lol but we all know that won't ever happen thank goodness. I feel as though when i listen to it, i'm walking taller, being more confident.. and i know it's just all in my head too but does that REALLY matter? next cd will be norah jones.. not really the same, but im intrigued by her nonetheless.

so luckily the SAC event didnt turn out to be a total bomb. i love our oacs... julie with her marshmallow drool, sean 'dominating' that pie, emmanuel with his messed up, ghetto, booty-shakin' hula dancing... im gonna miss you guys so much.

if we all start wearing masks, i will totally be freaked out.. its gonna be like some sort of morbid sci-fi movie that never makes any money cause its so bad

i dont know what im doing lately.
"Where we'll go, baby, I don't know, maybe we should just let nature run the show.."

lose what I got keep what I find
Today was the first day in a long time that school actually worked out for me...the first day where I actually felt productive and felt like i understood things and felt that maybe it wasn't all pointless or some form of societal punishment afterall. That being said, it was also today that i realized that I wanted more in life. i wanted a break, an escape rather from this... this everything. Until quite recently, it was pretty much the same ol' stuff.. school. work. sleep. school. go out. sleep. I dunno. Maybe its just the warm sun on my skin and the puddles of melted snow under my feet talking, but despite how much i actually felt as though i fit into the whole 'school' thing today, i needed out. I need some time to do nothing. To be able to sit around and just watch the sunlight dancing on the ceiling of my room or the stars make their way across the sky. I want to drape myself over a couch, or pile of cushions, or even a picnic blanket and just talk about everything and nothing and all that is in between. I want to take a walk...one without a destination and find out how the neighbourhood has changed and just end up somewhere. I've noticed that although i've seen a lot of other people, I haven't really seen them...myself included. And although i'm not quite sure how i expect to fix this, i do know that i just need to.. somehow. You know you've been watching too much Oprah when you finally understand the meaning of 'feeding your soul'.lol and i think the time has finally come and i realize that mine is hungry.

a weekend at home trying to do nothing but homework is a lot harder than one anticipates. Needless to say, the list i made for myself is not even half crossed out, but in my defence, it was a HUGE list to begin with, an attempt to make up for all the non-work i did all of march break and this week at school.
doing your taxes is the worst thing in the entire world. I went to do them to distract myself from homework.. but after about 15 minutes i gave up and decided that i would RATHER being doing math.. ewww... i have a new appreciation for all the accountants out there..

I should have done something this weekend.. something that was way overdue.. not a project or assignment of any sorts.. just this thing. I didn't feel up to it.. citing my need to do homework as an excuse. But now i'm wondering, is the fact that i havent done it already an indication that maybe i dont want to fix things all that badly? I know to others it may have been mean, but to some it was something that just needed to be done. Not saying that the crazy kids are right, but something caused them to pull the trigger right? something made them go: you know what? this is enough shit for now..... i mean if anything, at least we didnt blow her head off.. (okay now THAT was mean, but you know, i say it like it is). lol things are going to get back to normal eventually.. and i know i have to make the first step.. and i will.. when i'm ready. In fact the process has already begun.

anyone wanna go to the one of a kind show with me next weekend?

ode to luke
luke is so cool, luke is so great
i love him even though he ditched me on our valentine's day date.
he's there when im sad or when i need hugs
and he doesnt seem to fall into holes that are dug.(hehe you know what i mean)
he's great for a laugh and he's oh so smooth
and thats is why he's so groove-y

hahaha i rock i know..lol

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark
i dont know what to think anymore. it seems the world is spinning around me and nothing is really in focus or under my control anymore. I dont like NOT being in control. i mean i dont need to have everything for my manipulation, but i feel insecure when i cant seem to even grasp at the things around me. One minute it's one thing, the next minute it's another. is this what growing up is all about? weird how all those years ago you thought your world was upsidedown when your friend said something about you behind your back. Makes you wonder about how it can only get worse huh?

i think im losing a friend. not in the same capacity as others, but nonetheless the lost is still being sensed. I'm also wondering about other people.... what theyre really feeling.. what is really going on in their head. cause i really dont know and i wonder sometimes what exactly they are thinking.

And althought my night has not been productive in the school/academic way it was planned, it was very productive in another way. We dont consider emotional/social development as a priority and rather it is something we just forget about and push aside. its just not somethign with a due date or deadline that we have to get in. but really tonight was awesome. i mean we are all loved, maybe not in the way we want to be loved... but right now i consider myself fuckin' lucky..cause right now i have more love than a lot of people will ever experience in a lifetime.

A melting pot coming to a boil
i'm not sure what to make of it all. it was basically three years of pent up frustration, spewed out in some weird from of an intervention. i mean to revisit it all again, after thinking i was already over it all was an interesting experience to say the least. I found out i was really more bitter and upset about everything that went on between us than i realized. I didnt want to cry this time. I felt that breaking down in front of her as she sat there staring blankly was in some way letting her win all those years ago And as i heard my voice break and the tears starting to come this time, i only grew more angry with myself for being in a sense weak. Really all of this should have happened earlier. I don't even know if anything will come out of it, whether she has absorbed any of it at all. And although it may seem selfish, I needed it. I needed to finally tell her everything that i have been thinking all these years; to at least open her eyes, albeit only a little. It went better than i thought it should have actually. There was no major crying, throwing, or yelling, although i started to at one point. I guess we can only see what happens huh. If this isnt a weird experiemnet in friendships and social relationships i dont know what is.
What i dont understand is that even after all of this, some people are still attached. i mean how much are some people williing to take? They bitch and yell and complain and yet they always go running back in one way or another. What makes a person so attached that even through all the abuse, you refuse to leave indefiinitly? its just something i will never understand i guess. one of life's little mysteries.

taking another look
i feel as though i have rediscovered someone today. have now seen a whole other side of her, that i knew existed, but just didnt let myself really believe. She was really good. i was proud cause i knew her, cause i was her friend. she was actually in a way living out what a true television teenager would do...what i have been picturing in my head at least...playing in a little smokey room.. It was one of those things that made you both incredibly jealous and inspired. It made me want to start learning the guitar and hiring an old stuffy white european woman with far too much makeup to give me singing lessons. and then reality set in...
She was glowing. it was great.

picking up the pieces
No matter how bad something ends up being, there always seems to be someone there to make it a bit bearable. In truth, it almost made me cry after she whipped out the silver, little box and flashed it in front of my face. It only half registered in my head what it was until i read the raised silver letters and tore open the package. It wasn't because she had saved me twenty bucks, it was because she even thought to do it. She knew i loved it, she knew i lost it.. and for her to just simply replace it like that after a hectic day of running around and replacing everything was just too much for me. Finally something that came easily. Finally something that shows me that the world really isnt out to get me after all. it was one less thing i had to worry about or miss in my life. To someone else it may have been just a simple gesture, but really, it was one of those things that brought so much relief and gratitude i couldn't even explain to myself what it meant to me.

my friends are broken.. we are trying to fix things.. who'd thought fuck friend, pretend friend, silent friend and well brave friend could get themselves in so much trouble..lol and no matter what anybody says, i would chose you over the hole anyday

there's a storm a brewing and i think im going to get caught right in it. fortunatly, i won't be left with anything broken.. but then again who's to say im not already damaged goods?

so its kinda sad how a person can be SO lost without something as trivial as a cell phone. once a person who didn't think i needed one and was against getting one in fact, i kinda cringe at the fact that i am so dependent on it now. i didn't know any phone numbers, i couldnt get a hold of anyone and they didnt know how to find me. it was weird how vulnerable i felt driving home one night without it. i wondered what i would have done if i had broken down while in the middle of nowhere.. because for a portion of the drive home, its all commercial/industrial/construction/fields.
so i went around replacing everything semi-making up stories about how i lost the purse cause just saying i lost it at a drunken party didnt seem like soemthing i should be telling all these banks/government institutions. everything is okay except for my health card...i was too lazy to go down after 3 hours of lining up at various places.. and my visa, which technically isnt cancelled yet but has a block on it. i still want my bag back.. it was a nice bag.. and i loved my wallet.. and semi pictures were in there.. im never getting that roll developed now. thank you jeanette for being there through all the bitchiness.. thank you for putting up with me. thank you for being there just so i wouldn;t be crazy looking yelling at the chinese man alone. you must have hated that day and yes i know i ruined the ang and jeanette day..

ATTENTION!! LOST: ONE SMALL BLACK LEATHER HANDBAG
ugh i lost my purse! i'm ang. i dont lose things. whats kinda ironic is that the camera is lost AGAIN..lol i joked about it being cursed.. i dont think it went over too well with who i said it to if you get my drift..lol things were definitly interesting yesterday.. with lotsof people together drinking that i've never really experienced before..lol from "i dont have a condom" craziness to an almost SAC scandal to a no then a yes? apparently i could have gotten sexually assaulted many times yesterday if i had really wanted to..lol creepy.. hahaha
let me tell you how i get hit in the head twice yesterday.. i felt like that Ty girl on clueless (the movie) when she gets hit in the head with a clog at the valley party. Some tall blond guy fully walks into me and the beer in his hand just so happens to be on the same level as my head.. and all i hear is a cluck when it hits me int the middle of my forehead! Then i get hit with a stupid ping pong ball.. lol mark unger youre gonna pay..lol

so yeah if anyone hears about my purse tell me.. apparently jaclyn brown couldn't find hers either.. we're hoping it got taken accidentally... but i called and my phone is off.. which is weird.. sigh..

how cn soeone convince themself that its okay when its really not
i want to know the truth even when youre doing something stupid

sooo. i'm in another one of those "i dont want to do anything" moods. i think i get into one every time a big break from school approaches and the fact that this time it's also after deadlines, doesn't help. But yeah. watch, tomrrow its all gonna hit me in the face when i take my mag test and i dont knwo anything cause i didnt feel like studying at all today even though i stayed home and also because instead of studying yesterday, i went to amanda's house and went to bed early afterwards. But today wasnt a total waste. i got to talk to people while warm and comfy in my bed, with sunlight streaming through my windows, in my 'fort' of pillows until 1130. i had a good day at work. and actually think that im making progress on the hygenist that i am convinced hates me. have you ever kinda wished you got in a car accident just to get the other driver in trouble? yeah i know its not smart, but sometimes, when im driving my mom's shit car and something like a giant ass truck wide turns into my lane as if he didnt even see me coming, i WANT to get into an accident.. cause technically the truck cut me off and the ugly car im in would be gone cause it wouldnt be worth repairing.. the things that go through my head.

i love my friends. we can turn a nothing day into a tobaggan adventure! it was awesome. i remember now why i'm so lucky. everyone needs people in their lives who can make even the stupidest things exciting and fun. i think we all need to revisit our childhood, go back and do something we remember having so much fun doing while we were 10. cause honestly, you revert right back to your old ways, with girls screaming down the hills and boys trying to aim their speeding tobaggan in between two dangerously close trees. Almost falling into the stream; bailing out right before slamming into a tree, while just missing another one; watching two guys at the foot of a tree squirming on top of one another-stuck; feeling my tobaggan launch into the air and making a giant skid mark as i landed; seeing someone in a tree calling out to the ducks.. priceless all of it.
so moomoo how did your day go?

so with the craziness AFTER valentines.. lol well my matchmaker DID say i would be experiencing an emotional low.. lol but i dont think that quite explains it cause notice how its not exactly MY emotional low, its an emotional low caused by everyone else.

so vanessa and i totally made a yucky.. who'd have thought huh? DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA! moomoo and ang strike again....lol

btw: THANK YOU JEFF ..hehehee.. and thank goodness you never read this

So despite the fact that i yet again lack a boy this year, valentines day was pretty good. I've never been one to scoff at the holiday, cause i think thats only what bitter people do. And actually, i think its a really cool holiday and people just make too much of this whole couples thing.
I was determined not to stay home for valentines. i needed to be out. i needed my parents to think that there was perhaps a boy who was willing to make me run away from them; who maybe was a threat to their grasp on me. I dont know why, i just feel better knowing this. Gee, after reading that, it makes you wonder why i haven't thrown myself at some weird ghetto malvern boy and am bearing his children right now as we speak. I've always told my mom she was lucky i never tunred out to be on of those girls.. cause i SO could have been. But yeah fun with friends and food and fatty desserts and coffee. What more could i ask for? i didnt have a date with just one boy, i had it with two and three girlfriends.. hehehe
I think the change in people and environment was good for me, which kinda just confirms my whole 'fear of committment' thing i have, but lately. some people are just starting to bring me down and i realize for my own health and sanity, no matter how much i love them as friends or how much fun i sometimes have with them, i need to be away. I get to involved somethinmes i think i get to codependent if thats even what it is. Oh crap i just picked my scab and now i'm bleeding. mental note: jeff is getting a big head from so many girls vying to be his back up prom date. don't encourage it. lol

New Year's Resolutions well sort of..
I've decided that i need fixing. I'm broken too. I feel like writing it on my head, just to warn people. I don't know when i got broken, or exactly what did it to me, I just am. Sometimes I'll do something or say something and simutaneously wonder what the hell i am doing. Sometimes i don't understand. I don't like some of the things i do...
-i'm going to be nicer
-less cynical, but still realistic
-i'm gonna stop fighting with people as if they are an ex-husband or mother-in-law that i just never got along with. I would rather just leave the situation alone.
-i will no longer hang around people who send me bad vibes.. i think i am slowly being eaten away and turning into them.
-i'm gonna start trying, REALLY trying
-gain a new appreciation for the small things
-rekindle somewhat lost friendships
this list could go on forever,. but i guess ill stop it here. I am a work in progress, or shoudl i say, I'm under construction?

someone take me out for valentine's.. in SOO not staying home

Four day weekend baby!
So it's been an awesome weekend.... why can't every weekend be four days and full of friend goodness? I'm spoiled i admit it.. i have awesome people around me.
here's an update:
wednesday night after I finished work, despite her sense of better judgement, nicki lets me kidnap her for an evening of eating and girly bonding. We picked up some bubble tea (yes, how very asian of me), wings and pizza and went to her house. I like those quiet nights at home, well maybe quiet isn't quite the word to describe it really, cause we get pretty loud..
Thursday i call up jeanette, who's always ready for fun (that is why i love her) and we end up going to market with sam.. we picked out our lunches from meus we only half understood and from pictures posted on the wall. after bitching for 3 hours we end up at lis's house for a continuation of what can only be called bitchfest. I LOVED IT! so therapeutic. i swear its the only reason why i havent murdered someone yet. To end the day, shopping spree at shoppers, even more chinese food, and a night at moomoo's which ended early for me cause i was soo tired.
Friday I finally get to spend some time with jaxs.... who is satan and lures me away from my computer and english (which is why i love her..lol). We get mcdonalds and end up at luke's house. I've never really been in there before.. only once, long enough to break a bee. I love luke.. i love snowflake, i love his bird that woos me with her love call. Oh and he has this awesome flying monkey target game. it's the BEST! i wouldnt rather have anyone else laugh at my failures.. its funny cause he seriously tried really REALLY hard to teach me, but i failed. After work its movie night at moomoos. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!! lol
Saturday didnt look like it would amount to much especially since work and car conflicts stopped sam and i from having our date.. But there was still an impromptu, late-night adventure. It's amazing how one night can change your view of someone almost totally around. i love my boys.. yes, thats right they're MY boys.. lol HOOKER HUNTING was funny. (and yes, if anyone was wondering, there are still hookers out at 2 am in the middle of winter)
Sunday stayed home to make self less guilty of weekend goodness

i found out this week that i wasnt a total failure at calc, which i started to convince myself i was. its strange, but i seriously don't derserve the mark i got, cause really, i didnt understand it, but by some miracle, it seems as though all the answers in the answer key were magically changed to mine. i sat in my bedroom for a good portion of the day just reading.. nothing i liked, was reading a school novel-forcing it down my throat really. but its read and i can do the 3 essays that follw and be done the next couple of lessons.. also ended up watching a couple of movies later on in the night. i needed the me time. i needed not to have to talk to anyone. sometimes i'm actually thankful that my house runs the way it does.

i think i messed up my blog

so i've finally taken a day off from my so far incredibly crazy christmas break. i'm SUPPOSED to be skiing today... i'm SUPPOSED to go out with laurallini and chananagan for girly goodness... i'm SUPPOSED to go downtown to drop off my correspondence.. but i really dont feel up to any of it. i feel like being bum-y... but im forcing myself to do homework...i think im getting stomach problems from the cookies i just ate.. uhoh

so i wrote a whole big thing here last week, buts its all gone because blogger broke and i didnt feel like writting it again.. so here's another rant.

why do i get myself involved in all these things? why do i seem to care so much when it doesnt directly affect me? why do i let what's going on in other people's lives shake me up? There's been a lot of demented chaos around me and a lot of bitterness, confusion, and stupidness to boot. i need to get away from it all because it's really bad for me. its making me bitter and mean and... it just doesnt feel good. i think its time for some me time

testing?

and...
i was going through my envelope of warm and fuzzies again when i got home. i've decided that's what everyone needs - a package of love. something they can carry with them wherever they go. something to remind them of where they've been and of all the people who have supported them and continue to do so along the way. something that they can open up when they're down and need a pick-me-up or just because..
i wanted to put actual thought into these warm and fuzzies, but a lot of them just turned out to be half-assed letters, desperatly telling people how much they mean to me..but really, that little sheet of paper, and the 5 seconds given to us to write them counldnt do anyone justice. there were envelopes i could have filled by myself if i were given the time, because there was just that much to say.

it's been so long since i have last written i here, it actually feels weird. that oac retreat was just what i needed, and i didnt even know it. everyone needed to just let it all out.
everyone needed to be reminded of how much they are loved
everyone needed to be shown that even though some of us have only exchanged a few words in the last 4 years, we're still connected in a way
everyone needed to collectivly let out their anxieties, feelings, and thoughts, because in the end, we found out that we're not so different afterall.
everyone needed to say what was on their minds
everyone needed to see mcmorrow's hair that night during the campfire..lol
we've all carried eachother through the years, whether we've known it or not.
this is going to be the fastest 7 months in the world.
thank you

its weird how even though you know something is gonna eventually happen, when it does, it doesnt come as a surprise but still effects you? it's weird, but it seems as though i've been in a soap opera episode the last couple of weeks.. or at least a eventful tv show.
there have been so many ups and downs, times of joys, and times where i would just sit and wallow.
a lot has happened . heres a breif update:
-stuff has been going on.. and well, but what effects others, effects me. (i have also realized that i dont know when to use effect and affect..i thought i knew.,. but wow writing that just got me all confused.) its surprising to see how much crap people are actually dealing with on a day to day basis..relationships are tough, and i dont meanjust the boyfriend/girlfriend type.
-i've been working like a dog.. two jobs, which also means basically never seeing my house. i haven't been eating properly.. cause well there's no time.. but that's all gonna be over soon, so its okay.
-my mom is actually letting me to go montreal, which was a surprise..but there is no one else to share the bus with.. so now the dilemma is, do i wanna sit on the bus with a stranger and pay more for it? but montreal is so worth it..i dunno.. we'll see.
-went through university info books and decided what i wanted to do with my life-about a thousand different times. turns out i wanna be a microbiologist/immunobiologist doctor with a degree in pharmacology, who during her spare time does work relating to genetics and is an obstetrician on the side. i would throw in a bit of biochemistry or biophysics, but i dont know what they are yet.. so basically, i still dont know what im doing, but by the sound of it, western and u oft dont make you choose first year anyways.. willread more info books later.. do you think i can get mcgill to send me one of theirs?
-this stupid sac dance is taking up more time than i anticipated.. arg.. why oh why..
-i'm sick.. and when i'm sick, i'm a big baby..im sorry.
-my dad is mad atme again.. i wonder why i even try cause it gets me no where.. but as vanessa says, "we;re 18 and should be used to it by now" and i am, which sometimes makes me worry.
- i think i should start packing in some volunteer time.. but im so not willing to sacrifice the hours. ugh
-$15,000x 4 yrs = $60 000 yikes and i still wont be done school by then.
-should get ready for horrid sac trip that i payed wayy to much for considering i'm only spending one night there.. but on the brighter side of things, i'm only spending one night there!
-need to exchange money and get insureance for new york trip.. exchange rate is shitty though.. but next week, will drive to the bank and get this all done,, also showing father that i dont need his help afterall, i am self sufficient woman. did i tellyouhow mad he was when he found out i got myself insured for the car when he refused to do it for me? haha it was great. (note: must also learn to do taxes, just because i dont want HIM doing it. who wants to teach me?)
-also had great fun at korean BBQ
-developing distaste for a certain new teacher...

hey you guys.. message from yoyo:
HEY EVERYONE!! LISTEN UP!!

I just created a webspace on msn for Mary Ward OAC's!
there's a message board and a chat room!
so feel free to go there whenever you are bored and post stuff about life, music, school or whatever. Chances are there will be other ppl on and you can chat with them as well!!
here's the link
http://groups.msn.com/MaryWardOACboard/

new 'bag' from the Bay..............................$1.79
cake to surprise a friend............................$1.85
my portion of the pizza..............................$2.25
bus fare to and from Downtown..................$5.00
socks from jacob.......................................$19.27
gas for the car..........................................$22.50
pilates book from Chapters........................$25.11
clothes from Old Navy...............................$52.79
a weekend filled with friends...................priceless

hehee i know, that was cheesy

so i went to work today at the store, hoping that somehow the managers working would be the ones who didn't know about the other job, because simply, i was too confused to be ready to have a conversation about it..but both were there. i managed to avoid the subject the whole night, almost thinking that maybe since they never got a call for references, they just assumed i didnt get it, or perhaps they had somehow forgotten altogether. but as we were closing, tom says to me, "so about that thing that we talked about the other night, what's going on with that?" i felt my heart sink.. so i told him what was going on. i told him that i wanted to come back for christmas because even though it was hell, it was one of the best times of the year as well. i asked when they would be doing the seasonal hiring so i would come back and reapply. He looked at me and said, "come back any time, there will always be a job for you here." and even though he may not have fully meant it, to me, he seemed truly sincere, and for some reason it meant the world to me.

wow i'm so tired
so i just got back from a bbq, which eventually had to be moved into my friend's dinning room because it was thunderstorming.. lol but despite all the fun, it really made me think. now that i sort of have two jobs (well at least during the next week, while the doctor 'sees' how everything works out) of course im debating which one i should take if in fact i do end up with two. the office job yes is a new experience.. and yes it pays more... but am i really ready to give up old navy yet? it's really not that bad.. my managers are awesome and the rest of the staff gets along so well.. and i like doing cash! at the office its the same old 4 people. although the dentist assistant people are relatively young.. but not young enough for me to hang out with..at the same time, i think that the only reason why i'm so reluctant to leave is BECAUSE i'm comfortable at the store. it was so overwhelming today... and to think that i still don't know how to do half the stuff i'm supposed to... the previous secretary assistants got fired becuase they weren't performing up to their expectations.. what makes them think that i can? i mean these people couldnt have possibly been stupid. and the office is a longer bus ride.. and who knows i might not even get it cause i dotn speak chinese.. i dunno..i'm so confused and thise whole entry is a whole bunch of ramblings...

so i just had the most awkward conversation with my manager.. how do you explain exactly that you need a reference but still manage to not offend the store cause you might be leaving? i explained how i loved working there..i explained how i wanna come back for christmas even if i get the job.. i explained how it was last minute (which is why i called at 1030 at night)... i lied and said there were three other girls running for the position, thereby decreasing my chances..
worst thing is, i had to explain it to two managers cause the one that picked up wanted to know why i couldnt deal with her.. bur i need a change.. things have been stagnant for a while.

I, like everyone else is feeling swamped.. even before the work has really started. its so hard to believe that the third week of school is already here.. and what do i have to show for it? it's not like i'm doing anything about it either. i mean i work at it and all, but not as much as i should. i realized this weekend how much my work habits have changed.. it's not necessarily a bad thing mind you because i can still get it all done.. juts makes me think that's all.

i'm feeling like one of those jealous girlfriends... and it sucks.. it sucks even more that i'm not even a girlfriend..lol
i love these people.. but when they're there.. people act differently and i dont like it.

i don't know what's wrong with my computer.. it hasn't been letting me into hotmail... then i set up a yahoo account and it works, for a day, and then i cant login anymore.. why am i sucking?

and it starts once again
so as another school year begins, as always, ang is making her life more complicated than it really has to be. i hate courses. i never know which ones to choose. it's like this every year- i just write them all downonthe sheet and wait until the next year to really decide. but now im stuck (yes, this is exactly like the big avn/sph debacle of last year). mag or gwi? i really dont wanna take mag.. i really dont.. i have a lot on my plate already and another math is not going to help. BUT i may need it. i dont know. i dont think i do, but its the MAYBE that worries me. i wish i knew what the hell i am doing with myself. so you would htink that the answer is now obvious but i actually kinda like world issues and it'llbring up my average this year too.. and plus, it'll be a good break from all the math and sciences i will have this year. the other option is to actually do all 6 courses, two of which are ap, sac and the job (and somewhere in there was also a slight ambition to start up with yearbook again or possibly newspaper).. but i really dont feel like i can do all of that and NOT fail and continue to have a social life.. my one glimmer of hope and possible mantra? jess did it and more, so why the hell can't i?

goodbye summer
so this is it. once i go to bed, summer's over. it's back to classrooms, units, using full and complete sentences.. lol
my brain doesn't know how to function anymore... and suddenly it will be hit with bio and math and kopach.. how will i deal?

i apologize to the people reading this.. i know i havent been posting at all, and when i do, it's garbage that no one understands. i too get frustrated when i come on and there is nothing new to read on other people's blogs, so i understand. it's just that i don't feel the need to write here anymore. maybe i'm growing out of it too.. but i think i'll keep it around because afterall, school is starting up once again, and i may need to turn back to this. i did a lot of stuff this summer, gained some independence, wasted some money, spent a lot of time with friends; made new bonds and reaffirmed old ones. most importantly, i grew significantly as a person, or at least I think so. i feel more self-assured. i feel more grown up. i feel different. it's good, i like it. i got a lot of things outta the way this summer.. things i have been waiting for what seems like forever for. i feel more grown up i guess. wow... ang grown up. lol

i can't believe summer is over. wow. so many things happened. i can't even believe it myself. sigh.. tomorrow crepes?

so that's it.. my french boy has gone. who's up for renting a room at a certain hotel so that i can secretly stalk him? lol.. okay maybe a little too far there.

you know you've been spending too much time with black people when... you're a little asian girl who says things like "tough" or "we'll reach ____". hahaha. (disclaimer: although this may sound incredibly racist, i dont mean this in any racist way. this is for those of you reading this who really dont know me that well) I've been spending a lot of time with people from work lately, especially these two guys who live by me. i've never really had friends who were close enough that i could just drop by anytime like this before, other than jaxs's house of course. i've been seeing them wayy too much.. lol every day almost. no matter what we do during the day, somehow at night, we see eachother. it's kinda nice just walking around my neighbourhood, or sitting on the porch with pop, or just haning out in the streets. it may seem simple, but hey, i've never done this before. like tonight, i got a drive home from a friend who went out of his way to drive me home so i wouldn't get raped. we ended up just eating ice cream on my lawn.. mmm hagen dazs. tomorrow? helping someone pick out a birthday present for his girlfriend.. hehehe me and a bunch of football jocks at STC.. hehehe.

Happy Birthday to Me
If one word could describe my day today, it would be love. i felt SOO loved. it makes me smile just thinking about it. I have awesome friends.. and they all went out of their way today to make me feel like a princess. my girls came out fro lunch with me- jaxs, petrina and vanessa.. after a bit of catching up, shopping and eating incredibly sweet cake at my house, jaxs and i went to yoyo's house. it was stupid fun, but fun nonetheless. they ordered pizza and surprised me with ice cream cake. then a visit to a few friends/coworkers in my area with a late-night delivery of cake. lol Thank you guys and everyone that called. and thanks soo mucho jaxs

WOAH!!!!
that is all i have to say.

spent yesterday with nicki and everyone and slept over too. having everyone there wasn't so great. it was nice when they left and we got a chance to talk. poor yoyo and emmanuel must have wanted to hit both of us. its nice to get some things off your chest.
also went on date with jaxs and saw sexy sammy at work. johnny likes to hit on her... hahahah poisoned work environment..

btw.. my cousins are finally gone!!! now ang can have some fun

soo guess what?!?!?!?! i got my G2!!!!
yeahbaby! finally conquered it! however, i barely passed. i seriously didnt think i would. i did SOO many things wrong. but yeah i passed. hehe now waiting for that insurance to kick in

vanessa!!! i still dont know how to park and will have no time to until the morning before my test.. maybe the night before.. lol

if anyone has 5-6 free tomrrow evening, come visit me cause i'll have nothing to do at work.

went to niagara falls today with the family. it was gross. we were there early and it was still kinda cold out. we got soaked by the 'mist' from the falls, which seemed more like a rainstorm than simple mist. i don't know what was in that mist but we were left feeling sticky afterwards.. makes you wonder doesnt it? i don't like long car rides. i don't like waking up at 7:00 on a non-school day. i dont like crowds of people. i dont like smelly tourists (even though i am technically considered one of them). i don't like the hot sun beaming down on me while i still feel sticky with mist residue. but the conversations with my little cousins and the stupid things we did made it worth all the hassle.

when i daydream, i set myself up for failure. i always hope for the best and convince myself that something, which has no way of occuring will, and then when it doesn't happen, i get upset. STOP BEING SUCH A LOSER ANG!!!

been really busy latley with family being down and all. i sorta feel guilty for not being around enough but really, if i were around them more, they would not want me around becase i would be in a miserable and foul mood. i need breaks. i need money. i need the company of people outside of my house.

um vanessa, our test is really really REALLY soon.

jason and karen meets old navy
i took my cousins shopping yesterday. i told them i would get them each an old navy outfit and that we would pick out their clothes. They said that they knew they would look cool because they have a cool cousin (lol) and their mom wouldn't be allowed to come in.
I want to have children just so that i can dress them up. i dont want any of the responsibilities, i just want to take them shopping for outfits. future career? We had to go into the change room a couple of times because i had picked up totally wrong sizes for them.. (i was an old navy failure) and the boys selection was somewhat limited, which wasn't helped by the fact that jason is a picky dresser.. but it was nevertheless sooo fun. i got karen a knee length denim skirt with a light blue and white striped rugby top and jason antique washed painter jeans with a t-shirt.. they were soo cute. i'll post a picture of them later. i changed them before we went to see their mom. she didnt even recognize them..lol (which gives me an idea if i ever want to be a serial kidnapper when i grow up). french boy was there in the kids' section. he wasn't the most helpful, but he tried. it was cute. he spoke french to karen and jason and even though i didnt know what the hell he said, i wanted to fuckin' melt into one big, liquidy, (and hopefully for my sake) sexy blob.. sigh

just taking a few minutes to catch up with everyone while my cousins are getting washed up for bed. wow. i never realized how anti-kids i can be. i can deal with them for only a few hours before i want to pull mu hair out. i have a new respect for those who have to deal with those brats on a daily basis and for hours on end (ie: teachers, camp counsellors, etc.). its so.. soo.. draining.

umm is anything happening for petrina's birthday? cause i have the day off.. call me in the evening sometime and tell me.

what have i been up to? nothing really out of the ususal. ive been at work a lot.. and im sorta relieved.. work's a lot less stressful and plus i get paid (bonus!lol) but yeah a week or so of fun family ness.. im sorta scared.. lol

just got back from jaxs' birthday dessert with a couple of ladies i have not seen for a while. she called while i was washing the kitchen floor (chinese people have weird obsession with cleaning house from top to bottom when people come by) so i wasnt sure if i could leave because i stillhad to wax it. Dessert was fun, full of girlish gossip and it was just nice to see my sams again. i am soo tired, but i cant go to sleep or else crepes/waffles, whipped cream, ice cream, strawberry and chocolate sauces will go straight to thighs. lol also, i have to finish cleaning my room. my cousins are coming down and well i'm working all day tomrrow and plan to go to spammabanna in the evening soo.. i dont have time to de-grossify my room for them except for right now. do you think they'll mind seeing a pile of underwear on the floor when they open the closet? it is clean afterall.. they can push it aside to put their suitcases down..

i think i'm sick from mark and bethany's chilli... either that or its from eating so much swiss chalet and cake for jaxs' birthday today..because it can't possibly be the cookies nicki and i made yesterday.. we are simply too martha stewart-y to poison ourselves.
yesterday was awesome. it was one of those impromptu get togethers. we made chilli and baked cookies and talked and played monopoly.. lol it was the greatest

today surprised jaxs for her birthday..even though she probably already knew it was coming. lol we tried.. and it was us, and like always, we freaked out..lol HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAXS!!!!

wow that performance was... somewhat lacking

why is it taking olp so long to show up on kraig kilborne? dont they know i'm getting sleepy?

my self-indulgent bitch
i'm kinda surprised at how insecure i have been lately - insecure with my body image, insecure with my sense of self, insecure with what i am becoming. but really, i should have expected this, because like clockwork, it comes every year as my birthday approaches and i dont know why... but for some reason this year, it came a bit earlier than before. i guess its a time where you kinda look back and see what you have done.. see what's wrong and needs to be fixed, basically take stock of my life. it's not that i'm unhappy, because i like how everything turned out.. i like my friends, i like my accomplishments, i wouldnt really change anything.. well there could always be a few minor adjustments in a few areas (and if you know me well enough, you'll know where..lol)

i've never been one to worry too much about how i looked... i would see girls with their leggy, toned, slim figures or watch britney spears flaunt her abs and seductive hour-glass figure and like any other girl, i wished that i could look more like that, but then quickly got over it. i wouldnt ever starve myself or anything simply because i didn't care about it all that much. i was okay with who i was. but lately i can tell that i'm more fixated on these things; not to a point of where i am depriving myself, but i'm begining to notice that i care more. i look at myself in the mirror more and stress about how certain things fit or wonder why i'm not proportioned the way i want to be. it hasn't just been a physical thing either. i'm starting to find that certain things i do are really annoying and wonder how anyone could have endured them for so long. i see certain habits or parts of me that are really ugly and that i dont like and want to change. i start to think more about the way i act and how these actions are seen and taken by others. and while all of this is going through my head, i am having the greatest time with everyone, which makes me wonder how i can be so happy, yet so disappointed.

went out for a bite afterwork with some people. It was a nice change from the faces I see everyday..even though i do kinda see them often. It's kind of surreal when you begin realizing how small the world really is. You find out how close people were to you, without you even knowing it all those years ago and you look back and wonder why you were never friends before. I think they think my dad is racist.. or super crazy because i wouldnt let them into my house.. lol i dont want him seeing my friends, its awkward. They even knew the boy next door, who i have never spoken a word to for the ten years i was living here. But today, while we were all sitting doing nothing in the car, the next door boy comes onto my driveway and totally says hi to my friend.. and i think to myself.. wow.. i wonder if my next door neighbour even knew i existed before this moment.
They brought out a different side of me. one that i didn't really like. It's not that I was totally different from what i normally am, because if this had all happened a week ago, i wouldnt have mind. its just because of recent revelations i guess you can call them. hmmmm...

had extremely weird conversation with friend last night.. i can't remember that last time i was so uncomfortable. however, it did clear the air and it turned out okay, so in the end i guess it was good that it happened? it kinda gave me a lot to think about - how i see people, how i see them seeing me, how i treat other people and act around them.. how do you change without people noticing that you've changed?
anyways, girl day with petrina turned out great! we got so much done in one day. i even got a dress for the wedding in september and possibly a semi dress. its really pink and with flowers, and even though semi is usually very formal and dark, i think im gonna try and pull it off.. i'll be the spring princess amidst all the dark winter people.. lol we'll see, it was only 20 bucks.. also got a shirt (it was a little more expensive though).. anyone wanna pay for it??.. it'll be like my birthday present.. lol okay fine dont.
we went to nine different places today.. it was nice, although dorky fun.. need to get my pictures developed. i;ve had this roll for about a month, which is a long time for me... lol
i'm off almost all week this week!!! monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday!!!! hehehehe but then two 9 hour shifts following that.. ugh!!

hurrah! have made plans for tomrrow with petrina, who i have not seen recently. and tonight, although i thought i was doing nothing, turned out to be an adventure, albeit a tiny one. so i go out for dessert, with yoyo and frances and KENJI! yes KENJI!! so if you know me, we already have some sort of idea what kind of an adventure it was. was it wrong for me to consider not going just because he was going to show up? was it wrong for me to make a smart alec remark after everything he said? was it wrong for me and yoyo to exchange knowing glances after every one of his annoying gesture or comment make by one of us, oozing with hidden meaning? no, because i was good. it could have been a lot worse. but it wasnt too too bad, despite the fact that i may have looked like i wanted to make myself so small that i would magically disappear (according to a certain someone).. hahah thank you

wow, everything i planned to do is now changed.. hmm.. oh well
tomrrow's petrina and ang day: coldplay ticket getting via internet, getting petrina's b-day present, sandy lion sticker factory (yes we are SUCH kids), swiss chalet, visit jeanette?

yesterday
what started as a draining day, which left me feeling unappreciated, over looked, and taken for granted...turned around later that night and slowly left me feeling loved and treasured. funny how things work out.

i wanted to get one of those digital fridges.. but i can't register... its www.digitalfridge.com can anyone figure out how to get a new account? i dont think they are taking any new users.. boo

plans..
tomrrow:
-ice cream date with mr. robinson.
-shopping with lis
-yoyo's house
-dinner with lis chez ang?
-tennis with jaxs and lis and luke?
- a visit to shoppers to see a special someone (jeanette)?

friday:
-work
-friday night date with petriners?
-sleep over?

saturday:
-coldplay ticket getting? (i'm not even sure if i wanna go)
-day dedicated to correspondence. since im not going to the debooze, might as well be productive and make sam proud.

i needed today. thank you jeanette, sam, and brendan. but maybe without the annoying world youth day people. the hot ones can stay though.. lol

personal
sometimes people frustrate me so much. and really, its not even their fault, because they are probably just acting normal, and i am probably just being really sensitive. even the little things in normal everyday conversations, that i know wouldn't normally bug me, drive me insane. it may be just because this past while has been really emotionally straining, i'm just irritable because i haven't slept well the last few nights, or the fact that my period is coming. nevertheless, i need a break from certain people and i need to get out more with the people i havent seen in a while - this sounds bad, but sort of like a rotation of friends.

work
the good news: found out this week that the girl i dont like is leaving. was able to have a long conversation with french boy. a certain ass didnt get the job. also made manager proud of me cause i was in the denim shop on saturday and our top selling item was bootcut jeans (i'm pretty sure she previously thought i was a selling failure).
the bad news: yes i'm good at selling, FOR THAT ONE DAY. but manager does not understand and that one day of success has landed me permanently in women's denim and away from my beloved cash register. there could also be another reason for the change, maybe i did something incredibly wrong and they had to move me somewhere (my paranoid thoughts at work but both situations are still bad, perhaps one more than the other, now that i think about it.. lol).
the possible solution(s): as i sorted through the piles of hell today, i was contemplating what would result if i just talked to my manager. i wanted to ask her exactly why i got booted off of cash island. was also thinking about updating resume and submitting it to shoppers, where it is cash all day, every day but the people working there are not as awesome.

school
yeah well, lets just say that this isnt happening.. lol
but do appreciate sam for trying to motivate me.

family
realtionship with family unit improving. its probably because we spend so little time together, that we do nothave time to get on eachother's nerves. it works and i'm fine with sticking to what works.

miscellaneous
-am incredibly mad at myself for lack of g2 and the fact that i dont have parents that stay up past 11.
-have found that if you add sugar covered raisins to anything, i will eat it, even bran flakes.

you think everything is going great and suddenly it hits you. and no, it doesn't really affect you personally, but it still hurts. it's one of those things that makes you grounded once again from whatever high you were just on.

and although i was wondering why it took so long for me to find out, he called me himself and told me and wanted to do this, and wow.. something has got to be said for that, because if i were in his shoes i would hope that my friends would magically know what to do cause i sure wouldnt.

im shaved, and pumiced and buffed. i am soft and i got more of the moisturizer i really like. i'm 150 dollars poorer thanks to alana, but i really dont mind that much. i got my very first eye makeup compact (with four shades of colours).. and still dont know what to do with it.. but intend to one day find out. i ate like a high-class working mother: druxy's pasta salad and a smoothie from cultures. i got my mall discount card (yay me). i got a raise. still wondering if i should go to shoppers where all i have to do EVER is cash instead of trying to be friendly and helping people... ugh. am excited for wednesday full of semi-hall exploring and dinner with my graduates!

good bbq at emmanuel's last night. wasn't anything big or incredibly exciting, just nice to see everyone together again. it was funny and i realized how much i missed everyone together like that. like when we found out no one really knew how to use the BBQ, we all thought we did, but never actually used a charcoal one before and everyone was just adding lighter fluid and charcoal and matches.. lol.. lets just say there were flames.. and billowing smoke.. not enough to start a serious fire, but enough for us all to stare at it and think uh oh.. yesterday's realization: i'm not a bad football thrower (most of the time) i can't get a lot of distance, but my football sprials and goes straight and everything!! was a proud and sporty moment for ang.. even caught the ball while running.. miami dolphins here i come!! hahaha
i got a new phone!!! its so pretty... my new number is on my old phone, which will be given to my brother in a couple of days so dont call it anymore after.. monday? i finally joined a plan, evenings and weekends free, so as part of a deal, my dad paid for the cell phone..it was kinda a birthday present as well... and i promised him that during those free times, i would use my phone and keep my house line free.. because he seems to consider me the phone devil...and im thinking, all this to avoid getting call waiting? so yeah call me i need love.. lol

talked to sam s.p today, which was lovely cause i havent seen or heard from this girl in a while. we were supposed to do soemthing, but laziness and a lack of good ideas stopped us. everyone's in summer school!! that or at work.. ahem sam!!
i am itching to go out.. somewhere thats not work or the mall.. that reminds me.. jeanette when are you working cash so i can pick up pictrues? im excited
also, starting to freak out because i cant seem to find my yearbook.. anyone seen it?

so anyone wanna do something saturday and let me sleepover?? cause a whole snotload of people are coming to stay and they will take over my room and the rest of the house and i dont feel like being around an extra 6 people i dont know who i am sure i will have to spend time with. please take me in *puppy face*

i feel like i'm being changed..not in a naturally occuring kinda way that everyone goes through.. i mean in a purposeful, molding kinda way. well maybe not changed, but they want me to change. i can feel it. but im too stubborn to give in cause i know what's going on.

hey all you people from ward who still read this, especially graduates.. do any one of you remeber a chick named mirabelle?
tell me if you do.. now off i go to find somethng to prepare for the bbq

The name of Andrea gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature. Because your feelings run deep, you must guard against the ups and downs, being very inspired one minute, then moody, reserved, and depressed the next. Your reactions to people vary according to how you feel. You tend to be secretive and noncommittal about private matters, yet at times you will talk effusively in order to hide your self-consciousness or to lead others away from personal subjects. You are inspired by encouragement from others, yet suspicious of their intent. You crave affection but seldom find anyone who understands your nature. Physical weaknesses would show in your heart, lungs, or bronchial organs.

true, except for the poetry and nature part..

looking through cell phone and cell phone plans.. geez.. im almost willing to pay the extra money i'm wasting on my prepaid phone just to NOT go through this.

i know it's late, but before i go, just wanted to leave you with this. go to previous entries and click back with the arrows on top. you're gonna fall in love with this boy, i guarantee it

although i might have missed beach day today, it was a pretty good day for ang. work, although it started at 9 in the morning and i was stuck in fits, went by really, really fast and plus the people with me were ones i liked. lol
the highlight of today? doing training that involved us trying on ALL the types of jeans we have.. yes, even the womanly, big-hipped, tapered ones.. lol it was so funny as we all came out of the dressing rooms with our different styles and saw how gross we all looked. things learned today:
-all ON jeans look like shit on me..
-even the short legged ones are too long, much to my manager's amazement
-boys should not wear bootcut jeans, especially if you have chicken legs and are short... they just look like flares.
-starting to develop tiny crush on cute french boy... he is nice and funny and has an adorable nervous laughter when he talks. just found out he is my age which makes it even better.. has aspirations to be a lawyer and has a condo in montreal.. fluent in french and sometimes has a slight accent when he says certain words..*swoons* bonus: also has sister working at montanna's who is in charge of side dishes like that incredibly yummy garlic bread *drools* what more can a girl want? lol
btw, the greatest thing in the world right now is breyer's feature flavour of the month: strawberry shortcake swirl... mmmm. think mcDonald's mcflurry with less cookie...but i like the cookie, so technically not as great as a mcflurry but im too cheap to care.

two things should be learned from today:
1) never EVER let ang and petrina go shopping together unless you want to be late... or have us be late.
2) somehow i always ruin movie nights becuase whenever we're supposed to have one, it just doesnt happen

nevertheless had a good day with my girlies.. really a continuation of the previous night. missed you guys and havent seen you in a while.. it was good.

found this while looking through aa.. i enjoyed it cause i can actually picture people who would seriously do it
NOTICE: Job Offering
For those who have nothing to do during the summer and want to effectively use their time, this is for you.
Position: Grade 12 Mathematics student
Hours: 12:15 - 3:15
Pay: $100
Days of employment: July 2nd to July 28th
Requirements: Must be proficient in math and chinese looking
In addition, transportation will be provided by me and you will recieve a total of one bottle of water every day. You can`t beat this offer. So get off your asses and note me to apply.

jaxs.. i need my laptop back.. gimmie back please?

it is my second attempt at this stupid correspndence course. in the past 2 1/2 hours since i have woken up, i have only managed to write one journal entry, consisting of 4 sentences. im so confused. i dont know what they are looking for. am i even supposed to be handing inthese journal entries? because they are complete bullshit garbage. the first article they tell me to read isnt the first one in the book, which makes parnoid me think that i am missing something. i am lost... because its all too new and i am unsure.

there are ants on my computer desk. i have killed 5.. where are they coming from? i dont know.. and there is still the matter of that earwig that i refused to kill a couple of nights ago.

so went to school yesterday to go to dreaded SAC meeting, which turned out to be more of a painting session than a formal, sit-down meeting (score for me!) but then when i discovered what colour adrian had picked for the wall. i didnt know if i wanted to paint, or run away because the atomic green was burning a hole through my retinas. mental note: never ever put adrian in charge of anything ecer again that has to do with decorating or the coordination of colours.
went to alana's for a little get together and found out exactly what a domestic goddess she was. she made this awesome chicken pasta with vegetables and iced cappucinos. mmm... mr. volpe, cyn, lis, racs and matt came to join in on the fun. have not seen my princesses for a looong time and was glad the oppertunity came up-well worth the sweaty walk from school to her house.lol
watched movies.. the others with nicole kidman, i didnt like.. it wasnt THAT scary, but that's only because i ddint watch half of the movie.. was busy distracting myself and staring at my knees so wouldnt get freaked out by the ghostness of the movie. i can take murder, i can take gore, i can take bleeding flesh wounds, but i cant take this supernatural shit.
p.s. thanks again for the ride home in your man-van mr. volpe.. lol

and i think theyre gone again

oh theyre back.. phew..

no.. this isnt funny.. where did my comments go?

also...waxing legs mission never materialized. went to ashbridges to watch fireworks with friends. saw nicole working at the pizza pizza there.. hehehe hot an sweaty.. just the way i like them. and sexy even in that orange get-up to boot! yeah fireworks werent that exciting, but hey what do you expect for free? company was good though...and it was definitly feeling like summer

i can't believe he stayed up. figures. the night my mom isn't home he stays up. i hate that he doesnt trust me. i hate that the reason he stayed up wasn't out of love (otherwise, why wouldn't he stay up allthe other nights), it was in hopes that he would catch me at something. in hopes that it would give him an excuse to get me in trouble...give him an oppertunity to tell my mom that me going out isnt a good idea. he was secretly hoping that i would come home crazy late so that he could rub it in my mom's face about me not respecting him or something like that.. or hoping that i would come home piss-assed drunk, or stoned, or soemthing to that effect.
is it my fault that he never had a social life? is it my fault that he never had real friends? even today he doesnt have friends. mom goes out for her girls nights out. my dad is too much of an asshole to have friends.... and even has trouble with coworkers, believe me i;'ve been listening. he gets a F for "plays well with others". would he rather have me like my brother sit on my ass all day and play video games.. well maybe he would cause then we would actually have something to talk about. but still.. its better to have me going out, experienceing things than being a social reject who inhales household cleaner fumes for kicks.

if i were a lightbulb, i would be one of those annoying halogen ones that hurt your eyes, or those big ones that people use in theatres to light up actors. really, there's no reason in particular why. is this what it feels like when you're content with who you are or what is happening in your life? cause i dont think its that.. because well, we all know i have problems. lol just a good day today i guess. didnt even do anything but read.
mission for tonight: soften up in the shower and give another go at this whole waxing leg thing. why do i have the feeling that im gonna warm it up, do one strip and chicken out again? tis the way it always turns out

it awesome when you have people in your life you know will be there even at times when you just dont feel like going home....even when they themselves dont want to do anything. i ended up playing video games for a while at yoyo's, and really i didnt mind. i found myself actually interested in the game, which is weird, but at the same time not because i've always been a fan of sonic the hedgehog... lol. we went out for dinner with frances and mike at east side mario's..adam was our waiter.. it was hilarious seeing him sing /chant happy birthday to a five year old, cause i never could have imagined him that way. food was amazing even though we were trying to aim for cheap cause we all had almost non-existent cash. picked up nicki and amanda and drove around old finch..
really a simple night, but i needed it. i can't stay in this house..
my mom is worried i am out too much.. i can tell. cause we rarely see eachother even more now.. not that we usually did mind you. but at least during school there was a reason-school and work. but i figure eventually it'll die down.. people have summerschool.. i;ll be at work.. eww correspondence..