entitlement

Tonight was his first trip up. I completely forgot how it felt to be this emotionally involved again. Had anyone else said it I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But because it came from him... I wasn't sure what to think, despite knowing that it he didn't mean it the way it came out. I just don't want to be the girl who wakes up one day and realizes she doesn't know what she got herself into or how it happened.

Entitlement always was a sensitive issue with me.

flop, turn, river

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone, and I can honestly say that this has been one of the best...maybe even THE best. It wasn't the best because it was anything amazing or out of the ordinary. We spent the day in the apartment and had chinese takeout delivered because we were just that lazy. I've just been used to long distance valentine's days where my boyfriend wouldn't even be there...and then the year that my boyfriend at the time and I were finally together, I was in charge of food and we ended up helping my mom move.

The reason why this year's was the best despite it not being any different than a normal date night was the fact that he took charge and more importantly, he listened. He took care of everything, I just had to be home. He even got the perfect little card with a funny yet surprisingly sweet hand written message and my favourite chocolate. He knew that I've had two weeks of 12 hour days in the lab and that all I wanted to do was to sit. Its simplicity won major points.

Actually, now that I think about it, another very good valentine's day was in OAC when we gave (almost) everyone helium filled heart balloons. I was single and stuck in the chemistry lab working on my independent study but I really felt the love that day. Perhaps heart balloons is the best valentine's.... but this one is definitely a close second.

beansprout?

It's true. You find someone once you've stopped looking for them. And the always come at the most inopportune time.

I was happy with the new single me. It allowed me to be selfish with my time.. I never really had a schedule I had to stick to and perhaps more importantly, being single gave me the chance to devote my time to finishing my master's thesis. I'm the type of girl that will be distracted if there's a distraction, who will feel guilty when I can't see someone I should, and who really needs more down time. Being single allowed me to focus on myself and what needed to get done.

There were boys here and there. I wasn't interested. I was totally devoted to this new me. But one stuck it seems and I couldn't shake him outta my head...and with the incessant encouragement of friends, I agreed to a date. Three dates later and going on a fourth tomorrow, I can honestly say I'm smitten.

I'm still kinda awkward and sometimes I have little freakouts internally... but this one has potential. I'm quite content on seeing where this one goes. I'm feeling quite grown up about this... but like a little school girl all at the same time. Being wined and dined and not having to worry about paying for everything is certainly a nice change... I'll get over the associated guilt eventually (hopefully).

this marks the end of the boy boycott

Differences this time around:

I wasn't dreading the date. I was actually kind of excited for it.

I wasn't thinking that I would rather be with my friends...and thinking of how much of a waste the night was.

I was a bit nervous, which is good. I think this means I care.

I didn't feel an impending sense of doom. no, I'm not exaggerating.

I didn't think he was making up the things we had in common just to have things in common.

I left with a little smile on my face.

Sometimes I still check for remnants of my past relationship. When I stumble on an old photo or a memory, it is strangely satisfying and at the same point intriguing...and like digging up an artifact of a past civilization... and it makes me dig for more. It's really been long enough that I forget sometimes that those past 5 years were such a large chunk of my life. I guess these things are just some indication that I still mattered at one point.

Forced Interactions

I just had an 'I'm 10 years old' type of freak out. Everything is finally getting to me. It's coming out in weird ways.

I shouldn't need to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around someone who's supposedly a friend. It's exhausting trying to keep myself in check. One slip and I fulfill the negative expectation in her head. She waits for it, because it's inevitable. It is, but it really shouldn't be that big of a deal. Real friends get mad, who cares. I shouldn't have to feel guilty or stressed every time we are together. It's too stressful. I feel judged. This isn't healthy. I'm trying to leave it all behind...by leaving it.

mom's first turkey

my mom made her first attempt at Christmas dinner tonight. Pre-Christmas dinner I should say... it was this early to accommodate my uncle going to Montreal for what I like to call, "real Christmas dinner". I am 25 years old...and have had 24 Christmases where my mom has NOT cooked Christmas dinner.. so this was a big deal.

I appreciate how sometimes my family tries to be close knit here in Toronto now that everyone is slowly moving over. However, I wonder if I'm the only one that notices the initial awkwardness...the forced banter at first. We were not raised like this. We went to Montreal for family. They were the ones with Christmas. In Toronto, we didn't even put up a tree most years. And although it is better, I'm still having a bit of a tough time adapting to this. I also think it's a bit sad that family has been such a little part of my life that this is still awkward.

As a sidenote, I was truthfully a little disappointed when DC didn't message me back today. Realistically, there was no reason to. The last message ended the conversation topic. Admittedly, he has put a bit of a smile on my face. Could this mean that I really do like him or is this some kinda sick thrill for the chase? I was trying to remember how I felt when Freckles was around. I couldn't remember... let's hope this doesn't go badly.

my postsecret

i have no regrets, but undergrad would have been so much more fun without you.

hill wedding

the wedding chaos is finally over. was a great party. it both reminded me that i was alone and also made me look forward to the one day when i am that happy.

just a moment of weakness

I think the hardest part about this whole process is knowing that everything in the end will be okay. As much as I keep telling myself that, it still remains a nagging doubt in my life.
My life was set and it didn't matter what happened. I knew that together we could get through it. Everything else in a way faded in importance because no matter what happened as long as I had him with me, things wouldn't be so bad. So what happens when that person is no longer there and you are forced to face the world alone? Suddenly all the things that seemed trivial now become a burden. The future life I had envisioned is now shaken and I realized that the things that were once 'things that would just work out somehow' are becoming giant anxieties of my life becuase now there is no safety blanket and I no longer have the belief that it will all just be okay. Now these small things have a bigger part in my life. Now I am lost. I over analyse. I think perhaps that the relationship was too much of my life. That I relied on it too much. Will I ever let myself go back to that? Was it healthy? Was it normal? My life and my history are filled with questions now.

I've lost that sense of security. I've lost a lot of confidence. It's hard trying to gain it all back.

burn it off

When I was a kid, I had a dark wart on the bottom of my right big toe. On the bottom pad, where the toe touches the ground. It didn't looke like a wart. It looked more like a mole. It was flat and under my skin. My mom was convinced for a while that it was a rock that had gotten trapped in a cut and then eventually just stayed there under layers and layers of new skin that had grown over it over time. It didn't bother me, therefore I didn't care. For years my pediatrician said it was nothing.

One day I noticed more bumps on my foot. On other toes. They were a lighter shade of grey and this time were raised. By this time, many years later I had switched family doctors. He had one look at it and knew. It was warts. Warts had a habit of spreading. He didn't know why it took so long. I freaked out when he tried to scrape away the skin that had grown overtop that first big, black one. I flinched and bit my lip. He didn't even get close to it. It was so deep. I was bleeding.

I had to go to the hospital to get them burned off with liquid nitrogen. The little raised ones were still new- they were easy. A few sessions and they were gone. The big one had been festering for years and was a bitch to get rid of. Many sessions later it was cleared. Most of the time I forget it was ever even there.

Sometimes however, I feel a phantom pain in my right big toe. One that feels exactly like it did when the wart was getting burned off. It's nothing I can explain but so distinct that I can relate the sensation to that one moment. I don't ever feel it on the other toes that had the newer warts.

Strange how something like that still has a way of haunting you 20 or so years later. It just goes to show that its the ones that have been with you the longest that will cause you the most pain and pain that you will never be able to fully escape even when it's gone.